Let's talk about what makes flirting

hard.

>> Like, oh, I've been rejected once and

like now I'm terrified and crazy.

>> That's what we all effing say. And I'm

like,

>> I'm like, okay, fine. Think you're never

going to like meet your wife?

>> No. Right. Like, just try.

>> How about being single?

>> Have you guys not been rejected by other

things in your life, like a job or

whatever, like,

>> and you keep trying like hello. Like,

we're not going to bite. Like, we want

to be approached and we want to talk to

you. Like, just read the room. You're

going to find the right girls that are

either, yes, I'll entertain you for the

night or I'll take I'll go out on a date

with you or I'll [ __ ] marry you.

Like, literally, at the end of the day,

it doesn't [ __ ] matter. It's just

like [ __ ] make a move and who gives a

[ __ ] [ __ ] because you're always going

to be in the same spot.

>> Okay, these women are talking about

rejection. They're like, it's not that

big of a deal. So, there's some really

fascinating stuff about flirting, which

is that flirting is heavily moderated by

rejection sensitivity and self-esteem.

So if you look at studies on flirting,

people who have high self-esteem are far

more successful at flirting. So

remember, if we go back to our core idea

of like what flirting is, if I am too

overt, right, I can be perceived as

borish. And remember, the goal of

flirting is plausible deniability. I

don't want to end up as as someone who's

been rejected. If you have a high

self-esteem, you can afford rejection,

right? So, these these women, I would

imagine they have relatively high

self-esteem based on how they're talking

about things because they're like,

"What's the big deal? Haven't you been

rejected by other things in your life?"

And the answer is yes. And those have

been devastating. Right? So, for some

people, rejection is is devastating and

for some people rejection is not

devastating. The higher your self-esteem

is, the more you can handle rejection.

And so oftentimes what I find when I I

work with people is that like you know

there's people who are really concerned

about rejection because it hurts so

much. So they can't afford to give

things a shot. So a lot of people like

just put yourself out there it'll work

great. But the experience of putting

yourself out there is fundamentally

different depending on what your

self-esteem is. This is why it's huge.

But like if we look at the factors that

result in a successful relationship.

This is what a lot of people don't get

right. So if you have sort of the

forever alone crowd, the people who

think they're ugly, things like that,

and they may be ugly, like there are

ugly people out there, but the problem

is that they grossly underestimate two

things, which is self-esteem and

negative bias. So if you look at the red

pill pickup artist community, they

advocate for a lot of things. Okay? So

one thing that they advocate for is you

just keep asking girls out, right? We

sort of objectify women. They're like,

it just keep asking them out. We don't

care if they're comfortable or

uncomfortable. I'm not saying all the

red pillars are like that, but they're

like, you just keep asking people out.

So, this is a really interesting

technique because it's basically

exposure and response prevention. You

were afraid of rejection. What we're

actually going to do is we are going to

advocate that you keep getting rejected

until you are no longer afraid of

rejection. And the fear of rejection is

a huge element of your end success at

getting laid or even ending up in a

long-term relationship. Does that make

sense? So, the reason that I think that

they advocate for this stuff is because

it works, right? It actually solves one

of the key problems that betas have,

right? They're like they never talk to

people. They're way too shy. So, we have

to get you used to rejection sensitivity

through exposure and response

prevention. Now, I'm not advocating for

that path because I think it

inconveniences a lot of people. Often

times, it is tied together with other

kinds of objectifying sort of uh

perspectives, but they're they're right

about the principle, which is that you

need some way to handle rejection. What

I prefer is actually directly targeting

self-esteem, right? So, let's help you

develop your confidence, which by the

way, they do too, right? So, what do

they say? If you're someone who's a

loser virgin, they say, "Hit the gym.

Get your work stuff in order, become

financially secure, become independent,

become someone that you can be proud,

you can hold your head up high, looks

max, get ripped, drive a nice car,

right?" So, all of these things will

boost some degree of self-esteem. I

don't care about the the ego stuff from

toxic masculinity or manosphere kind of

stuff. What I'm saying is just anyone

who physically exercises will the the

physiologic changes from regular

exercise will boost your self-esteem.

Your cortisol levels will even out.

You'll be less stressed throughout the

day. You'll sleep better at night. When

you sleep better at night, when you

sleep 9 hours a night because your body

is doing anabolism, your brain also gets

more REM sleep. The more REM sleep that

you get, the more you emotionally

process. So, physical exercise improves

self-esteem without any of the weird

egotistical stuff. And then you can be

proud of yourself. Right now, when you

look in the mirror, you don't think

you're pathetic. You start to look good.

You're like, "Hey, like like I look

decent." That boosts self-esteem. So,

they're on to a lot of really good

stuff. So, working on self-esteem is

huge directly. And what a lot of people

don't understand is when they when they

when they talk about mating success as a

defined thing. Women want this. Women

want dudes who are attractive. Women who

want dudes who have a big dick. Guys

only want women with big tits. Or guys

want women who are proportioned in this

particular way. guys want women who have

a particular ethnicity. Some of those

preferences may exist somewhere. I'm not

saying that they don't. But I think the

key thing that people miss is what are

the other variables in the equation. And

self-esteem is a huge modifiable

variable. Okay. The other huge

modifiable variable, and this is what's

so devastating, is negativity bias. Some

people see the glasses half full. Some

people see the glasses half empty. A

good example of negativity bias is like

in the forever alone community. There's

a lot of people who approach dating with

a huge negativity bias. And here's why

the negativity bias is so damaging.

Because remember, in flirting, there are

ambiguous signals. Most of the signals

are ambiguous, right? So there's

positive signals in flirting, there's

negative signals in flirting. Each of

those are maybe 15%. 70% of signals are

ambiguous. And if you have a negativity

bias, you are interpreting those

ambiguous signals in a negative way. So

in in the scenario without a negativity

bias, 15% positive, 15% negative, 70%

mixed signals. I don't know if this girl

is into me or not. I don't know if this

guy is into me or not. It's very

confusing. It's a lot of uncertainty.

It's very frustrating. But if you have a

negativity bias, look at how the numbers

change. 15% positive, which can even be

dumped down to neutral, 15% negative,

and then 70% am ambiguous becomes 70%

negative. Now it's 85% negative, 15%

positive. And when you have this

negativity bias and you receive an 85%

negative signal from the first person,

that reinforces your negativity bias.

And then you try again and then it

becomes worse. Now, I've tried to date

three people that are 85% negative, 90%

negative, and 95% negative. And so, what

happens with people who have the sort of

forever alone mindset is that they they

start to form this kind of like, you

know, snowflake into avalanche kind of

mentality. And they're not wrong, by the

way. This is what's really scary about

it. Those are their experiences, right?

And so then what happens is their

self-esteem starts to go down. And so

then they do genuinely have bad

experience after bad experience. As the

negativity bias goes up, their

experiences get worse. Their experiences

get worse. Their experiences get worse.

And suddenly it started as a snowflake.

Now it's an avalanche. And they're like,

I will be alone for the rest of my life.

And if you look at their interpretation

of the data, they are not wrong, right?

that this is what their experience is.

The thing that they could be wrong

about, we don't know because we don't

know what their lives are like, right?

Is which of these factors are

modifiable. And I've worked with a lot

of these people in my office and I've

seen them coming in as virgins and then

two years later they're in a healthy

relationship. I've seen success many

times. But of course, if you're

listening to this, you'll say, "Yeah,

you've seen success with other people,

but not me. Oh, look, your negativity

bias is showing, right? Oh, yeah. 50% of

people can fix it and I'm in the 50%

that can't fix it. Boom. Right there.

How do you know that? Right? You believe

that because you've had all of these

experiences. Fair enough. But this is

absolutely modifiable. And even if we

look at sort of the pickup artist red

pill community, manosphere kind of

community, they will address the

negativity bias in a really interesting

way, which is they this is why they

demonize people. And this is not just

men, right? So we see this in the female

dating strategy community and the pink

pill community. There's a lot of

demonization of the gender that you're

into. And when we demonize them, it

helps us engage with things without that

negativity bias. Or that negativity bias

is still there, but we just shape it in

a way that no longer impacts our

behavior in terms of engaging in a

relationship. It still impacts it, but

I'm able to talk to people now at least.

I use kind of that anger or that sense

of ego or that sense of demeaning the

other person to help myself feel

comfortable. It's it's an effective way

to deal with the negativity bias. Not

saying it's healthy, but it's effective.

I keep seeing comments, "Dr. K, how do I

apply this to a situation in my life?"

That's literally why we created a

coaching program. Our coaches are

certified on an evidence-based

curriculum designed to help you get

unstuck. This involves analyzing your

patterns, increasing your understanding,

and working with you week to week to

help you develop a plan to create

lasting change. So, if y'all are

interested, check out the link in the

description below. There there are two

really important things that we can do.

First is if you have a negativity bias,

the most important thing that you can do

is be curious about the person that

you're interacting with. So, the

negativity bias means that I'm in my own

head interpreting signals from the other

person and I'm having it reflect on me.

Oh, this person didn't laugh at my joke.

That means they're not into me. This

person chose to not drink. that means

that they don't trust me, right? So

instead, like if you literally look at

the way that the negativity bias works,

it is the negativity bias is in my own

head thinking about me. And so the

simplest best antidote is to just be

curious about the other person. Let me

genuinely get to know who cares what

they think about me, whether this is

going anywhere or not going anywhere. I

have one hour to get to know another

human being and learns a perspective

about the world that I'll will maybe

never see again. Let me make the most of

it. Let me try to understand this

person. And literally a big part of this

cognitive training that we do in therapy

is getting people out of their own head

and into something else. So other

examples are like grounding meditations,

right? Where we're literally getting you

out of your head. And that can have a

huge impact in terms of sensitivity. I

mean low self-esteem. This is where it's

really interesting. So there are high

signaling partners and there are low

signaling partners. Often times what

people with low self-esteem need is a

very high signal from the other person.

this is why they sort of end up alone

because in order to overcome like this

person wouldn't be interested in me,

right? So what they what the other

person really has to do is signal really

hard, right? They have to enter this

danger zone of overt signaling. So if

you're interested in someone who you and

you perceive that they have low

self-esteem, you need to let them know a

little bit more clearly that you're

interested and that you think they're

amazing and you would love to spend more

time with them. Cuz that thought the

thought that someone would want to spend

more time with me and that someone

thinks that I'm amazing is so

perplexing. So, if you're at all

ambiguous about it, like it's going to

get missed. And this is exactly why

flirting is the technique that gets

people together because flirting

involves reading the other person. If

someone else is able to read me, that

indicates a positive thing for our

future relationship. They understand how

I feel. They understand my worldview.

They they are able to compliment what I

need, right? Not compliment in terms of

saying that my hair looks nice. I mean

compliment is an e m n t. They can match

my energy. That's a huge part of what

flirting is about. Now let's get to the

things that make people good at flirting

or bad at flirting. So first thing that

we're going to do is talk about the

sequence of flirting. So non-verbal

behavior as courtship signals the role

of control and choice in selecting

partners. So we provide evidence based

on direct observation of behavior and

encounters of opposite sex strangers

that women initiate and control the

outcome. while female affirmative

behavior at this stage modulates the ver

male verbal output in later stages in 4

to 10 minutes. Okay, so this is one of

the key things that I think a lot of

women are missing. If you look at the

average situation, okay, so remember

that there's exceptions to this. But the

sequence of flirting happens like this.

The first thing that actually happens is

woman signals availability. And if a w

woman signals an availability, that's

how a dude knows that it's okay to

approach. Then the dude approaches.

Okay. And it's like this is literally

why we have big wedding rings. And I

mean, I'm sure there's more to it, but

if you look at like the male wedding

band and the female wedding band, one of

them is more transmissible than the

other, right? So the wedding band is the

simplest way. It's like literally

something that we put on that I don't

have to say anything. I have to do

anything. I don't have to look at you.

If I have a wedding ring on, it signals

I am unavailable. If I don't have a

wedding ring on, it signals I am

available. And if you ask people, right,

including women, would you ever wear a

ring on your wedding finger or your

wedding band, you know, four left hand,

fourth finger, right? They won't wear it

unless I mean some of them will, but

like that's the signal. That's the

fundamental signal, right? And so we

literally have baked a society that has

at least in the in the US, in India,

people wear it on the right hand, right?

We've built a society where there is a

signal of availability which is like

[ __ ] stamped on. And so you have to

signal availability first. That's what

the data suggests. Okay? And signaling

availability can be overt or covert. You

know, it can be uh smiling at someone.

It can be making eye contact with at

someone. Right? And like I don't know if

you guys remember like this thing where

it's like, "Oh, I'm looking." Oh. Right.

That's signaling availability,

continuing to look. I remember when I

was in medical school, I I had a really

good friend who was gay and I asked him,

I was like, "How do you know if a guy is

gay?" And he laughed, right? And I was

like, like, did you know I was not gay

when you first saw me? And he's like,

absolutely, man. No, there's not a

single gay bone in your body. How did

you know that I wasn't gay? And he's

like, it's about the gay eyes. It's all

about the eyes. That's how they can be

butch, they can be they can be Texan,

wearing cowboy boots, effeminate, not

affeminite, don't matter. It's all about

the eyes. It's about the gay eyes. That

was his answer. Wonderful neurologist.

You know, the a lot of the signaling of

availability actually happens in subtle

ways, right? And and so there were many

things that like in in my, you know,

relationship with with my wife now,

right? So there were many things that,

you know, she would signal pretty

overtly, which is probably what I

needed. The story that I told you guys

about, she moved over to my side of the

booth and cuz like I had low self-esteem

sort of, right? I was this mug thing,

which had helped some, but like I was

like I had this particular style of

flirting which didn't match her style

and then like I kind of warmed up to it.

Okay. So what are the things that lead

to good relationships and what are the

things that lead to bad relationships? I

better pay attention to me tonight. I'm

so [ __ ] sick of this [ __ ]

>> Oh my god.

>> Touch a boob, buy a drink. I mean, it's

like very [ __ ] simple.

>> What constitutes bad flirting? An

explorator explorative study of deal

breakers. This study is amazing. What

they did is isolate 11 things that are

bad flirting. Okay. Vulgar vocabulary,

poor looks, excessive intimacy. He she

touches me without my consent. Lack of

intelligence, narcissism, lack of humor

and low self-esteem, stinginess, bad

hygiene, slimy approach, sexist

comments, slimy comments about my looks,

different views. Okay? Lack of exclusive

interest. So, they looked at all of

these factors, right? He or she

constantly interrupts me when I speak,

poor looks, effusive, aggressive

approach, too revealing dressing. We'll

we'll go into more into these. And

here's the really cool thing about the

study. They ranked them in terms of the

size of the impact. Okay, slimy approach

is the biggest dealbreaker. Bad hygiene

is the second biggest dealbreaker.

Here's the really interesting thing.

Poor looks is second from the bottom in

effect size. Okay? So, a lot of people

think that their genetics determine

their dating success. And I've been

advocating this for this for a while,

but like people don't seem to want to

hear it or don't believe it or whatever.

But like here is another study that

shows that physical attractiveness is

not nearly as big of a dealbreaker as

your approach, your hygiene, your

exclusive interest, different views,

vulgar vocabulary, lack of intelligence.

Right? So let's go over these and

understand them. And the cool thing is

we'll understand why dating is so hard

once we realize these things. So first

thing, the worst thing that you can do

is be slimy, be cringe, right? So making

inappropriate comments and this by the

way borish unskilled not good at

flirting making inappropriate comments

number one. Okay being rude being

sexually pushy. Okay now remember that

there there are times to escalate to

sexual interest. That's what we cover in

the guide. Right? This like this is the

whole point of the guide is we cover you

guys may be thinking throughout this

lecture like what about chemistry? How

do I know when it is appropriate to

sexually you know proposition someone

sexually? How do I touch? What's the

appropriate level of touch? These are

all things that are not related to

flirting. Remember, flirting is in the

initial engagement, feeling somebody

out. And then there's a lot of stuff

that comes after that. Could do a 2-hour

lecture on each of those. That's the

whole point of the guide as it walks

through all this stuff. Okay? Being

sexually pushy. But then some people may

like so so I think this is why like this

lady is kind of confused, right? She's

like, "Touch a boob, buy a drink." So,

this is a good example of the bell curve

where like the majority of women, right,

don't want you to touch a boob when you

meet them. But there are some women who

are okay with you touching a boob. Or

maybe actually this belongs over here

because more men may be okay with you

grabbing their crotch. Okay, but this is

kind of the point. This does work for

some people, right? And so if you think

about the slimy approach, who does that

work for? Here's who it works for. It's

people who have a template of forward

behavior. You know, in this video that

we did on YouTube about why you

shouldn't date people that you're

attracted to. Kind of weird, right? You

shouldn't date people that you're

attracted to. That's because there are

all these things like projection. You're

not attracted to a human. You're

attracted to your projection onto that

human. Projection, projective

identification, repetition, compulsion.

So, all of these are other complicated

topics that we cover in the guide. But

my point is that the majority of people

will say that sliminess is the worst

thing that you can do. But there are

many people for whom sliminess works.

And here are some of the reasons, right?

One reason that sliminess can work, for

lack of a better terms, is daddy issues

if we're talking about for a woman or

mommy issues if we're talking about a

guy. Okay? Second most important thing,

bad hygiene. Okay? Bad breath, bad oral

hygiene is huge. Teeth, floss, boys and

girls, body odor, and then also a sense

of unckemptness. So, here's what's

really, really, really, really, really

interesting. Facial structure, bone

structure matters less than body odor,

right? I want you all to imagine someone

who has the most asymmetric Thorlike

6'4 amazing bone structure, who's

homeless, is missing teeth, has terrible

breath, and terrible body odor. And then

I want you to imagine someone who is 5

foot2, well-groomed, you know, has a

nice haircut, clothes that fit, has a

white smile with all of the teeth

intact. Which person do you think is

more unattractive? Like this is the

thing. I'm using extreme examples of

both, right? One who won the genetic

lottery, one who lost the genetic

lottery. But does winning the genetic

lottery and having the [ __ ] of hygiene

beat out losing the genetic lottery and

having great hygiene? The data suggests

no. Okay, data suggests no. But once

again, there's variability, right?

Because there are some people who are

exist on the planet that are more

comfortable with bad hygiene than they

are with poor genetics in terms of

facial structure or height or whatever.

Next thing, this is huge. What I really

love about doing this research is that

sometimes I stumble on a scientific

study that explains what the hell is

going on today. One of the three biggest

mistakes, okay, after being sexually

pushy and [ __ ] missing teeth and

having terrible having halattosis and

bad breath in the ballpark of that is

lack of exclusive interest. Appearing

bored, looking at other people, flirting

with other people. Okay. Signal that

they aren't interested in you

specifically, right? So, this is like,

I'm looking to get laid tonight. I don't

really care with who kind of attitude.

There's nothing special about you.

You're just a anyone will do kind of

thing. They're looking for a

placeholder. So, this is what's really

scary is that 50 years ago, a lack of

exclusive interest was a big big big no

no. One of the worst things that you can

do while flirting is [ __ ] if I'm

flirting with one person, flirting with

their friend, right? I'm flirting with

you, telling you you're hot, and I'm

going to grab this girl's ass. Terrible

mistake. This has become the lack of

exclusive interest has become the norm

in online dating culture. It has become

the standard, the acceptable, right? We

all have to be talking to multiple

people at the same time. This is why

like loneliness epidemic is on the rise.

dating and mating crisis is on the rise

because sometimes when I read some of

this research I stumble on something

that I'm like, "Oh, this is a core part

of how human beings flirt successfully.

They demonstrate exclusive interest."

Right? You take any Jane Austin novel

and then even a whiff of interest in

somebody else sends people into a

[ __ ] tail spin. A whiff, oh, I saw

you were dancing with Lady Brahman's

daughter. Oh my goodness. I'm going to

go jump in a lake. never speak to me

again. Please go away. Don't break my

heart. You looked at another woman. Oh

my goodness. Oh no. Right. And like this

has become the norm. And and this is

what's like scary about technology is

like technology is changing the way that

we interact with each other. But even

though technology is changing the way

that we interact with each other, our

brains are not changing the same amount.

So, everyone knows you shouldn't express

exclusive interest, but every one of our

brains feels equally hurt and annoyed by

that, right? Tell me I'm wrong, please.

Like, literally, like if you guys

disagree with this, you're like, "No,

Dr. K, like that's not how it works."

This is an adaptation, right? We we

learn to be okay with it because it's

standard. If other people are going to

talk to other people, like I'm not going

to overinvest in one person if they're

talking to somebody else. But if even if

you think about that kind of thinking,

it's like I don't want to be left

hanging. That's why I'm doing it. I have

never heard, and maybe I'm ignorant

here, and maybe you guys can correct me.

I've never heard someone say, "Yeah, you

know, the nicest thing is that I'm

really into this person and they're

talking to six people. Oh my god, it's

such a relief." There are situations

where people can be like, "Yeah, this

person has way too much emotional

energy. Like, they're dumping it all on

me. I wish they would distribute to

other people." But when we're talking

about flirtation, is it attractive to be

flirting with someone and they start

flirting with somebody else? Are you

like, "Oh my god, that is the hottest

thing." And people may say, "Okay, well,

if you were flirting with person A, that

may make you more attractive to person

B, right?" So, this kind of stuff

there's like some evidence for, right?

If you're like a man who's like a good

caregiver of your children, sometimes

that can attract women as an example.

But that's a different scenario from the

initial flirtatious engagement. And the

lack of exclusive interest is not just

about talking to multiple people. It is

also about a lack of interest in you

specifically. You're the same as the

other five people I'm talking to.

There's nothing special about you. I'm

not interested in you specifically. I'm

just looking for a dick. That's it. Any

dick will do. And imagine how the person

on the other side of that feels. Like

some people may be down. They're great.

Looking for a dick? I got one. Easy

peasy lemon squeezy. But that's not

usually what flirtation looks like,

right? That's like satisfying some kind

of need. So, a short-term relationship

is fine. Doesn't require a whole lot of

flirtation. I've seen this as a

psychiatrist before. You know, sometimes

people who have BPD or struggling with

addiction or or antisocial or

narcissistic or super depressed or even

have an anxious attachment style,

they're just looking to get some needs

met. Fine. I'm not saying it's always

healthy, but I'm not placing a moral

judgment on that. What I'm talking

about, remember, we're talking about

flirting here. We're talking about what

are the things to do or not do when you

are engaging with someone to keep and

and cultivate your their interest in

you. And lack of exclusive interest is a

big no no. Next, um vulgar vocabulary,

right? Females calling women females is

a good example of this. Not a whole lot

of women that are like, "Oh my god, I

love the way that he reduces me to a

biological simplicity." Crude course

language. Here's what you guys do. If

you guys want to understand what crude

course language is and how not to flirt

with people, this is what you do. You

install this game called Dota 2. And

then there's this thing in Dota 2 called

behavior score. And as your behavior

score drops, you lose the ability to

communicate. And eventually you end up

in this thing called low priority Q,

which is you with all the other

primitive creatures, terrible human

beings who are also low priority. You go

and you just listen to the

communications. Well, they can't

communicate cuz they're voice muted, but

you you feel the communication. There's

the regular humans and then there's the

people who have been banned. Low

priority Q is a great example of this.

You go there and that is the way to not

behave. Whatever they do, you do the

opposite. Next is poor looks. Okay, so

this is where unattractive body or face

dress badly, unckempt. And then here's

the other thing that's really

interesting. Unappealing movement or

posture. Okay, so this is where like I

think the looks maxers are like, you

know, on to something, right? So you can

optimize these things. It'll improve

your attractiveness for sure. So, some

of this stuff is not modifiable, but the

really interesting thing is even when it

comes to looks, and this is the whole

point behind looks maxing, right? A lot

of it is modifiable. Even the way that

you walk affects people's response to

flirting, right? Deal breaker is having

like slovenly posture, being unckempt,

you know, stumbling over to, hey, how

you doing? My name's Dr. K. I'm a

YouTuber looking to get my wee wee wet.

You want to hang out?

not very good at flirting. Okay, this is

another big one. Excessive intimacy.

Now, what does this mean? So, this can

be invading personal space, right? So,

if we think about people who are

intimate, what do they do? We share

personal space. It's a big part of being

intimate. Not even sexual. It's like,

let's cuddle. Let's hold hands. I'm

going to sit next to you. Okay, this is

physical or emotional intensity too

early. Huge. So, trauma dumping falls

into this, right? When we think about

trauma dumping, trauma dumping is over

here. Flirting is over here. they don't

overlap. Okay, so this is another big

one. Lack of intelligence. One of the

best indicators of your intelligence is

being able to make somebody else laugh.

But the really interesting thing is that

intelligence is not just IQ. Okay, it's

loweffort conversation. And you guys who

have been on the apps probably know what

I'm talking about. One of the most

annoying, frustrating things on the

planet is when someone's like, "Yeah,

no, yeah, no. What kind of stuff do you

like to do?" Stuff. What are you up to

today? Stuff. Yeah. Okay. What kind of

food do you like? Good food. What kind

of food do you not like? Bad food. This

is the [ __ ] ruins. There's no

flirtation. This thing again,

flirtation, loweffort conversation.

Okay, so failing to demonstrate mental

engagement is the key factor of low

intelligence. Failure to demonstrate

mental engagement, right? And if we

think about flirting, what is like

flirting? Like what feels good when you

flirt? When someone's into you, they're

like tuned in, making you laugh,

responding to your signals, paying

attention, leaning forward, smiling,

teasing, right? All of those styles have

involvement except for I suppose the the

polite style which is like a very

specific lack of a very involved

uninvolvement. I'm looking everywhere

but you you haven't look at looked at me

all night. It has taken every fiber of

my being to look away for seeing you oh

sweeps me away into a world where I lose

my control and I can no longer be a

gentleman. And I would never I could

never defflower you but I can't get you

out of my mind. Right? A very like

intentional unengagement. So, here's the

challenge with this is being burnt out

and checked out. See, if you're burnt

out and you're on the apps and you're

not able to mentally engage, you're

really shooting yourself in the foot.

I'm not saying that it's your fault that

you're burnt out, right? That's what's

really hard. This is another one of

these things where like I think this is

why we have so much loneliness and so

much lack of like romantic connection

because some of the things that are

require not required but some of the

things that are really we've evolved to

do to help us form connections the world

we live in makes it really hard to do.

Demonstrate exclusive interest. Stay

mentally engaged. Okay. Then we're going

to I'm going to kind of speedrun the

others. We'll just go through them here.

Okay. Because these are less important

but from an effect size standpoint. So

narcissism. This is being self-absorbed.

So being self-absorbed, being arrogant,

not attractive when it comes to

flirtation, being a bad listener is the

key modifiable thing in narcissism. And

the word that makes me think about

narcissism and flirtation that will

really destroy any kind of sexual

tension that you've got building is

actually when you like correct someone

with your brilliant view. Don't do that

if you're on a date, right? Offer your

understanding. Yeah, brilliant. Don't be

a Redditor on a date. If you're talking

to someone that you're trying to flirt

with, don't correct them and demonstrate

your knowledge. This is like a key

thing. Intelligence is not demonstrated

by knowing more than the other person.

Intelligence is demonstrated by making

them laugh, making them feel

comfortable. That's the key sign of

intellect. Okay. Engagement is the key

sign of intellect, not correcting

someone. So, these are kind of like, you

know, while flirting can't be reduced to

a rule, just like in chess, there are

some opening moves that are just like

really bad. I've never seen a chess

opening. Maybe I'm wrong, but you know,

the pawns that are by the rooks, I'm

going to move that guy forward one

square. Using the word actually on a

date is the example of is the is is like

that. Next thing, lack of humor or low

self-esteem is huge, right? So, being

excessively self-deprecating, not good

for flirting. being stingy. Another

really, really important part that

people don't like. So, stinginess is not

just financial. It is also like

stinginess with your time. Stinginess is

not just money, right? It's just being

withholding of your resources. That can

include time. And it just really turns

people off. Like, people don't like it

when you're stingy. Because remember,

what is flirting? Flirting is our way to

try to gauge what a relationship with

this person will look like. And if

someone is stingy from the get-go, am I

more likely or less likely to engage in

that relationship? Here's the really

interesting thing. Different views is

also on here. These are like religious

views, political views, things like

that. But they're not like I mean they

can be deal breakers, but there's a lot

of other stuff that people can you

that's modifiable, right? So you don't

have to like change religion. You can

still have your religion, have different

views. It'll be a challenge for you to

overcome in the relationship. But like

focus on slimy approach, bad hygiene,

expressing genuine interest. These are

worth way more. Now, perceived

effectiveness of flirtation effect

tactics, the effects of sex, mating

context, and individual differences, and

US and Norwegian samples. We found that

sexual availability cues were judged

more effective when employed by women in

short-term mating contexts. Right? So,

signaling high sexuality in a flirtation

is more successful in short-term stuff.

Friendly contact such as hugs or kissing

on the cheek was not. So this is why

people kind of get friend-zoned. Okay,

so hugs and kissing on the cheek aren't

necessarily indicative of romantic

interest if performed by the woman.

Sometimes they are, sometimes they

aren't. Were judged more effective when

employed by men in long-term mating

contexts. Humor was uh more effective

when used by men in long and in

long-term uh contexts and least

effective when used by women in

short-term contexts. However, laughing

or giggling at someone's jokes was an

effective flirtation tactic for both

sexes. Okay? So, good flirting is when

you're paying attention, when you're

engaged, when your exclusive interest is

on this person. You are generous and you

can make them laugh. Giggling great for

flirting. You don't have to tell jokes,

right? Once you're starting to tell

jokes and making them laugh repeatedly,

you become a comedian. But giggling is

great. Most importantly, it is matching

their energy. Are they playful? Then you

be playful. Are they looking away? Then

you look away. But you keep looking back

and looking away, looking back, looking

away. Right? There's some exceptions to

this. If they have very low self-esteem,

you may need to signal highly, but

generally speaking, being generous,

being engaged, and making them laugh are

like the three best things that you can

do. That is all under the backdrop of

the most important thing about flirting.

It's it's like playing a game of tennis,

right? I'm going to hit the ball across

the net, and you're going to hit it

back, and then I'm going to hit it back

and I'm going to hit it back. It is

absolutely ambiguous, which is part of

the point. And then there's a slow

escalation with plausible deniability,

right? When I'm asking a co-orker out on

a date, I don't ask them out on I don't

just start holding their hand. It's

like, hey, do you want to grab a drink?

Do you want to invite other people?

Sure, we can invite other people. Signal

that I wasn't it wasn't I hadn't made a

decision about that, but I'm happy to.

I'm willing to do things your way. Hey,

do you want to grab a bite? Right? When

it's clear that everybody else is

leaving. And then here's the other thing

about flirting. Actually, this is so

important. I can't believe I forgot it.

Flirting is all about safety. So even if

you look at like courtship dances from

animals, no one is pinned down anywhere,

right? So a big part of flirtation, the

other person has to feel safe. So they

have to have an exit strategy. There

must be plausible deniability. This is

why a lot of women don't like being

asked out at a place that they are

forced to go to or men for that matter.

It makes it really, really awkward. Now

I can't escape from this situation.

Right? So if you want to flirt with

someone, give them an exit strategy.

That's huge. Plausible deniability is

what allows flirting to progress in a

safe manner, right? I should be able to

extract myself at any point. And if we

look at the deal breakers of flirting,

excessive intimacy, excessive

aggressiveness, sliminess. Okay, so

here's a really good example of slimy.

And I want y'all to pay attention to the

rounds of back and forth.

>> I just canceled a date with a man like

15 minutes before I was supposed to be

on the date. And you can tell me if you

think I was wrong for this. So, some

context. I live on the beach and by my

house there's like a boardwalk type of

situation. I was walking my dog on the

boardwalk. This other guy walking his

dog. Our dogs say hi to each other. My

dog is being a menace as he does. He's

jumping all over this guy's dog, but

this guy's dog is huge. So, it's kind of

funny. We end up talking for like, I

don't know, 15, 20 minutes. He's like a

very good-looking guy. Very funny, very

charismatic. End of this conversation,

he asks for my number. I give him my

number. That was like two days ago. And

then yesterday he texted me, asked if I

wanted to get a drink tonight. I said,

"Sure." He was like, "Can you do five?"

I'm like, "No, I have plans with my

friend, but I could do like 6:30." He

sent me two places. Like we were like

chatting a little bit planning

in the course of planning this date,

which is we're going to drinks. I

mentioned to him, I'm like, "Also, FYI,

like I don't really drink, but like I'm

down to get a mocktail or like a little

appetizer." And like not that signaling

availability if you don't drink, but

I've had guys be so weird if they ask me

on a drinks date and then I get a

mocktail that it's just like almost not

worth it to me to not say anything and

have a guy be insane. So I say that he's

like, "Yeah, no problem. It'll be fun."

He texts me like a half hour before a

date and he's like, "Hey, just FYI, I'm

running like 10 minutes late. I was

walking the dog. The dog got like

fixated on something and delayed me.

Literally no problem." I text me back.

I'm like, "Oh my gosh, been there. All

good."

>> Okay. So So let's just understand,

right? So, attractive dude, dogs get

along, good communicator, right? Gives

options, respects her space, lets her

know, hey, I'm running late. The dog had

a problem, right? So, like this is

attractive, handsome man who's good at

talking, escalating. We're going to chat

for a little bit. Can I get your number?

We text back and forth. We're setting

up.

>> He responds, "See you soon. Excited to

get you drunk on a school night." I

reply. I'm like, "Haha, like I said, I

don't drink." He says, "We'll see about

that." With a winky face. already

annoying, but I'm like, "Let me not jump

to conclusions. He's probably just

trying to be funny." And I said, "I'm

sure you're just joking, but really I'm

not going to drink." And he says, "Like

I said, I'll change your mind." To which

I responded, "I just want to make sure

that this is a joke and we're doing a

bit." And he said, "I'm very convincing.

Trust me, you'll have more fun if you

have a drink." Immediately, no. I said,

"If you're serious, I don't think we

should go out anymore. Have a good

night." And he said, "Okay, bet." Hello.

Like, so I want y'all to notice. So,

see, this is how flirting works, right?

So, he makes a joke and she's like, she

gives him an out, right? Haha, I'm sure

you're joking. And then he doubles down

and then she's like, "Hey, I don't think

you're really understanding." So, she's

giving multiple exits for the guy and

he's not taking him, right? But this is

what like I I like this example. I mean,

it's kind of scary, but I like this

example because a lot of people think

that if you are attractive, you use dog

walking strat, which which you chat

figured out, right? use dog walking

strat. Oh, like hey, if you want to pick

up chicks, just walk your dog. And like

that's a good way. The reason that

walking dog walking strat is so strong

is it gives you an opportunity for for

interaction with plausible deniability

and no pressure. That's why it's so

strong. It's such a great strat. But the

moment that this guy crosses over into

pushiness, it's a deal breaker. And I

was like preparing this lecture and 3

days ago this thing, this Tik Tok comes

across my my feed, right? And it's like

it's such a great example of a a dude

who is checking all of the boxes and

then this engages in this deal breaker.

And I've seen this time and time and

time again. Even when it comes to

successful relationships, the people who

do this well are the people who end up

in relationships. And the people who do

it poorly are the ones who end up

getting canceled on 15 minutes ahead of

time because they're not respecting

someone's boundaries. And this is what I

sort of don't like about boundaries for

a second. Yeah. Because we'll say like,

"Oh, like this person didn't respect

your boundaries." Yes, that's correct.

But the whole point of this lecture is

that it is way more than that, right?

Because there are women who are going to

be like or dudes who are going to be

this way. They're going to be like,

>> "Attention to me tonight. I'm so [ __ ]

sick of this [ __ ]

>> Oh my god,

>> touch a boob, buy a drink." I mean, it's

like very [ __ ] simple.

>> Right? And so then the problem is, okay,

on the one hand, you have people like

this, and then on the other hand, you

have people like that. So, how do you

know what to do? Flirting is literally

everyone's trying to answer ask

question, what do I do? What do I do?

What do I do? Flirting is literally a

skill set of diagnosis and intervention.

You don't know. There isn't a rule for

what to do. I mean, I've laid out the

rules as best as I think we can. I'm

sure that someone can do it better, but

whatever. Right? That's the whole point

is that flirting that knowing what to do

is not something you learn from a video.

It is it is something that you learn

from a person. And there is a skill set

of things ways to engage with that. It's

about play. It's about potential space.

It is about, hey, I don't know what this

is. And that's not a problem. That is a

potential. That's what flirting is

about.