I've been doing a lot of thinking. And

the thing is, I love you.

>> What? Robin,

you are like the brother to me.

>> I'm in love with you.

>> What?

>> Someone asked me a question a couple

weeks ago, can men and women be friends?

And I did the mistake of doing some

research and stumbled upon this paper

which blew my mind. One study of about

2,000 people found that 70% of people in

relationships, they started out as

friends. And there's actually a corner

of psychia- psychological research on

relationships which talks about

something called the friends-to-lovers

pathway. Oh my god, if you're in the

friend zone, that's kind of exciting.

Oh, friends-to-lovers, that's what I

want. So, what's crazy is this is

actually arguably the most common way

that relationships form. The problem is

that we don't talk about it much. And

what's really fascinating is that there

is there is good data about how to make

this transition. What's fascinating

about it is making the transition

requires a skill set that very few of us

even think about or even aware that

these are problems that we need to

resolve. But first, we're going to start

with this really cool concept of why the

friends-to-lovers pathway is so

successful. And this comes down to why

dating apps suck so much. In the '70s,

there was a guy named Murstein who

talked about something called the open

field versus closed field way of forming

a relationship. So, in an open field,

it's something like a party. This is

back in the '70s. You have a lot of

people who don't know each other, have

basically no reason to interact. [music]

And what he noticed in an open field is

that physical attractiveness

>> [music]

>> became the most important variable about

whether people connected or not, right?

I'm at a party, there's 50 people there.

Who do I choose to go and walk up to?

Who do I engage with? Who do Who's jokes

do I laugh at? Since I have basically

very few variables to select people

based [music] on, physical

attractiveness climbs to the top of the

list. But then Mersky also noticed

something very interesting, which is

that there's another way that

relationships form, which is in

something called a closed field. So, in

a closed field, people have a reason to

interact. There aren't a million people

there. So, it's like you and I are

working on a project together at work.

We have to travel together for a

conference. So, in this situation,

there's a lot of interaction that

>> [music]

>> is not based on physical attractiveness.

So, we're hanging out together, we get

to know each other a little bit, we

discover, "Oh, we do like the same

bands." We discover, "Oh my god, like

this person totally has my sense of

humor. I met so few people on the planet

whose favorite movie is what we do in

the shadows because they love vampire

satire, right? Like, "Oh, what's your

favorite genre?" "Vampire satire." "Oh

my god, I'm into vampire satire, too."

So, in closed fields, first thing is

there's an extensive amount of

interaction, and there's minimal

competition, and there are a lot of

things that you get to know about a

person that are not physical

attractiveness. So, what Mersky noticed

and what a lot of psychologists believe

is that actually the friends-to-lovers

pathway is the best way to form a

relation- or most successful way to form

a relationship. And shockingly enough,

the friend zone is not a terrible place

to be. Everyone's like, "You have to

express your intentions at the very

beginning, and if you shoot your shot

and you fail, actually no. The friend

zone is the best place arguably, and

we're going to go through a lot of data,

to become lovers from. But, since people

don't realize that, right? This is so

contrary, but remember, 70% of people do

it this way. Since it's so contrary to

what we think, this explains our

attitudes right now because

in an open field environment, which

basically online dating apps are the

largest open field that has ever

existed, in that kind of environment,

physical attractiveness is at the top,

which is where we get all of these kind

of red pill, incel kind of like

attitudes, right? They're not wrong in

the sense that they have the experience

of I've been on dating apps, I swiped

right 1,800 times, and I got two

matches, right? That's their experience

because they're they're uh participating

in an open field. The problem is that if

you have are in the friend zone, it

requires a different set of skills to be

able to transition, and that's what

we're going to go over today. Loneliness

is at an all-time high. Sexlessness is

at an all-time high. Relationships are

probably in the worst state [music]

they've ever been in the history of

humanity. And that's why I made Dr. K's

Guide to Love, Sex, and Relationships.

Let's talk about who you should actually

date. Falling in love is sometimes one

[music] of the biggest mistakes that you

can make. You know, I started to do a

lot of research about how to have like

really good [music] sex. Visit

healthygamer.gg/guide

to learn more. Good luck out there,

brothers. Y'all are going to need

[music] it.

So, a couple of things to understand.

First is that the average the me the

average amount of time that it takes to

transition from friends to lovers is

21.9 months. So, we're talking about

being in the friend zone for on average

2 years before you start dating. The

standard deviation on this, by the way,

is 28 months, which is insane. So, one

standard deviation means 68% of people

who transition from friends to lovers

did so between 0 and 49 months. So,

about 70% of people may wait up to 4

years to transition. So, first thing to

understand, this is a slow process. So,

if you're like this guy, you're going to

have to do this for a while. Second

thing that also people find very

shocking is the majority people who uh

transition from the friends to lovers

pathway are not actually super into each

other when they become friends. They're

genuinely friends first. Okay, there's

some gender difference here, but this is

not a scenario that people who do this

successfully are not people who secretly

fall in love with someone the first time

they meet them and then they slow play a

friendship for a long period of time.

The majority people about 70% of people

are mutually not attracted but then they

get to know each other. So that's what

we need to dig into. What is knowing

each other mean and what happens in a

closed field? So we're going to start by

understanding a romantic trajectory so

zero to romance no friends in between

because this will show us what are the

steps that it takes to form a romantic

relationship and how are those steps

different if we are already friends? So

it starts with something called

orientation and this is what we call

small talk. Okay? Now I'm seeing an

increasing number of people be very

unhappy with small talk. They're like,

man, I don't understand the purpose of

small talk. Like I would sit around we

just talk about nothing for a while.

Like when do people have real

conversations? Like I don't care about,

you know, what your job is or where you

grew up. Like I want to know like what

do you feel about the existential threat

of AI?

A lot of us are craving deep

conversations and I really want to get

to know someone. This was fascinating.

Small talk is not about getting to know

someone. Small talk is a phase where we

detect red flags. That's literally what

the purpose of small talk is. It is not

to get to know someone. It is to see if

there is something fundamentally and

catastrophically wrong with them so that

we don't want to bother getting to know

someone. Small talk is about safety

assessment not getting to know someone.

It's about ruling people out not ruling

people in. Does this person have BO?

Does he start talking about politics?

Does she start talking about politics?

Are they ranting and raving about Do

they ask you about your income in the

first 16 seconds of meeting them? Small

[clears throat] talk is about ruling

people out not ruling people in. Second

thing is [music] something called an

exploratory affective exchange.

Exploratory because we don't really know

yet. We're in the exploration phase.

>> [music]

>> Affective means emotion and exchange.

So, can we get along on an emotional

level? For the kids nowadays, do we

vibe? Are we vibing? We chilling, right?

Are we Do we mesh? This is also not

about getting to know each other. This

is about like does my sense of humor

match this person's sense of humor? And

the goal here is to actually reduce

uncertainty. We want to sort of get a

sense. We want to test the waters of

Okay, if I hang out with this person

more, like how much fun am I going to

have? Like is this going to kind of work

out? So, it's an exploratory affective

change. We don't make our most brutal

joke right at the beginning, right? We

make one dirty joke and we see how they

play with it and then they like kind of

hit the ball back and then I make

another dirty joke and like that's kind

of how we're like starting to vibe. Next

thing, this is when really the

relationship starts to form is an

intensifying affective change. So, now

that we're vibing a little bit, now we

have intense emotions that we're sharing

with each other. This is when people

start to say, "I know we've only been

dating for 6 weeks, but I love you,

babe. I can't get you out of my mind."

But I don't do that

on week one. I mean, sometimes I do.

Maybe if I have BPD.

Right? Or I'm just I've met my soulmate.

You never know. But there's an

intensifying affective exchange, okay?

And when we do this intensifying

affective exchange, this is also the

start of a relationship identity. Before

I we were doing small talk, then we were

getting know each other a little bit.

Now we start to become a we. It's not

just you and me, it's we. Right? We

start to be a couple. When we show up at

places, people will look at us and they

will say they will start to label us as

together. Right? You know, you ever hung

out with people and you're like, "Are

those two people dating or not?" Once

you start getting identified as a

couple, once other people start judging

you that way, which by the way, very

[snorts] good chance that that happens

before you even realize it, right? Other

people are better at detecting this than

we are. That is the intensifying

emotional characteristic. This is when a

relationship starts to form. And then we

have something called a stable exchange.

This is when we becomes a unit. This is

when we formalize our relationship. We

get married. We have a wedding. We

exchange vows, like whatever. We go on a

honeymoon. We start taking trips

together. We start to become an item,

right? We move in together. So then

there's like a stable level of exchange.

And so if we look at a friendship, the

cool thing about a friendship is we

actually check a lot of those boxes off,

right? So we

already have assessed each other for red

flags, because we're friends. And there

may even be red flags that we may even

be more willing to tolerate as friends.

We sort of do the vibe check. The thing

is we haven't sort of intensified our

relationship, and we'll get to how to

make that transition. But this is the

cool thing. This is why friends to

lovers is so common, because it actually

like checks off two of the most

difficult boxes for forming

relationship. And we start to see, and

this is the cool thing about the friends

to lovers pathway, we can start to vibe

and enjoy the same things, even though

we may not be physically attracted to

each other. So if you are unattractive,

an open field is the worst place to be.

And a closed field is the best place to

be. Because if you look at the equation

of, you know, mating potential, let's

say. In an open field, attractiveness is

like all the data that you have, right?

Even your profile, the parts that are

not pictures on a dating app, are still

measures of attractiveness. I make this

much money. Here's my picture with a

dog. Here's my picture with a fish. Here

is me with friends, right? I'm sort of

signaling my attractiveness. Whereas in

a closed field, you get to know someone,

and there are so many things like sense

of humor, and do we get along, and do we

like the same things? Do we like the

same music? Is this person there for me?

Can Are they reliable? You can't measure

reliability from a dating app. You You

measure that through a friendship or

relationship, right? So, this is the key

thing. This is why it's so successful

for many people, and this is why it's so

common because most people are of

average attractiveness, is because it

gives people a lot of potential positive

data about you that then factors into

the equation of which attractiveness is

just one variable. In an open field,

it's like 95%. In a closed field, it's

like 30 to 40%. Okay? That's not

research-based. It's just what I'm

stitching together. Next really

important thing. So, a lot of people

will confess their love for their

friend.

And this is one of the worst things that

you can do. Sabotages the relationship,

okay? And here's why. So, research shows

that the longer that people have been

friends, the slower the transition is to

dating. So, some people think like,

"Okay, I've been in love with this

person for years. This is my level of

love. This is their level of love. Let

me try to bring them up to here. What do

I have to do to get this person to fall

in love with me?" That's not what works,

right? And we sort of know that. That's

why we we feel like the friend zone is

such a terrible place. What actually

happens is the longer you've been

friends, the more slowly you transition

to a romantic relationship. And here's

the really interesting thing.

What a lot of people try to skip when

getting out of the friend zone is the

exploration phase. Is the dating phase.

Right? So, if we think about dating and

exploration,

like dat- dating is exploration, right?

We're like trying each other on for

size. We're trying to see, can we make

this work? And one of the biggest

mistakes that people make is during this

exploration phase, where you start to

date, the most important variable is

preservation of the safety of the

friendship. So, people who prioritize

preserving their friendship are much

better at making the transition out of

it.

So, what usually happens is, "Baby, I

love you. I can't live without you. I

loved you for years. Please love me.

Love me back. Please, please, please."

And then you get a lot of frustration.

"Oh my god, I've gotten

girlfriend-zoned. I've gotten

boyfriend-zoned. And now, since I'm not

willing to be this person's romantic

significant other, they're like, 'Sorry,

babe. I can't be with you anymore. I'm

going to have to block you on

everything. I need some space. I'm

gone.'" Right? This is what people say.

And that is exact That's what's

sabotaging things. Instead, this is

what's really confusing, just because

you have some forms of intimacy doesn't

mean that you don't need to have a first

date. Explore the possibility of

friendship. And when you signal to your

partner or potential partner that your

friendship is important to you, this

makes people much more willing to try.

Right? So, if let's say we're we're best

friends, and I'm like, "Hey, something

weird happened. You know, I know that

we've been friends for years, but

something like last couple of weeks,

like I've just like when I see you, like

it affects me differently. I just think

you're absolutely gorgeous. And And I

like I I care about our friendship. I

value our friendship.

Um

but also like I find myself wanting to

date you. Is that something that you

would ever consider?" But you're

signaling to this person, cuz right cuz

we're friends and we're stable in this

relationship. This is a good thing. We

got a good thing going here.

We don't want to actually jeopardize

that. We want to explore dating. And

sometimes this happens, right? Where

people will explore dating and they

discover, "Okay, like this really

doesn't work out. We're not sexually

compatible. Actually, we're better off

as friends." So, if you want to make the

transition from friends to lovers, you

need to try to preserve the safety of

the friend zone, not shatter it and get

away from it.

This is what leads to success. Okay? So,

you want to explore. You want to try

this on for size. You want to be

explicit about, "Hey, let's like give

this a shot, but if it doesn't work, we

can go back over there." And I want you

to think about it from the perspective

of the friend, and maybe you've been

that, right? Which one would you be a

lot more willing to give a shot?

Hey, let's give this a shot and if it

doesn't work, we just go back to what we

used to do anyway. Or, hey, I need this

to work and I love you and I want to

spend the rest of my life with you and

if you say no, I have to for my own

mental, I have to pull away. I need to

take some space and I'll never see you

again. I don't know what's going to

happen.

High amount of uncertainty, which we'll

get to. Uncertainty scares people away.

So, the slower the longer the friendship

is, the slower you have to transition it

and we also there are studies that show

that people who have a short friendship

transition in a different way. Alcohol

is usually involved, not usually, but is

off is more likely to be involved and

you know, sudden physical attraction is

more likely to be involved. So, we've

been friends for oh, I thought we were

friends for maybe like 6 weeks, maybe 2

months, but then one day we're at a

party, we get drunk, we end up making

out and then suddenly we're in

unexplored territory. That tends to not

happen as much with long friendships.

Now, the question is, how do we make

that transition? Okay? So, first thing,

really cool thing, something called

dyadic separation. So, let's say that we

are part of a friend group and you may

notice this, right? So, if you've ever

been a part of a friend group where two

people start dating, a key element to

them starting to date is peeling off

from the group, right? So, I had a

friend that I used to play video games

with, still play some video games with.

And then we had like there was it was

clear to us that he was into this girl.

And so, one of the things that started

to happen is when she was not playing

with us, he would drop us and go play

something else with her. There was a

dyadic separation and then sometimes

we'd all queue together. So, they peel

off and they go on their own and they

spend some quality time together.

When I was dating my my wife,

um we would also peel off and someone

took a picture of us at summer camp and

then put it on the main screen when we

walked in after chatting with each other

on a picnic table for an hour and a

half. We had wreck time and for an hour

and a half the two of us were just on a

picnic

sitting at a picnic table just talking

to each other. We walk in and everyone

goes

I thought we were friends. I still think

we were just friends at that point. But

there is a dyadic separation. So if

you're interested in transitioning, one

of the key things to do is to try to

peel this person off and do some quality

one-on-one time, okay? So invite the

person out. Hey, do you want to like

after we're done with the party, do you

want to go grab a nightcap?

Or hey, friends are hanging out. Hey,

we're all meeting for lunch. Do you want

to go for a jog before? So intentionally

create some one-on-one time for you to

foster a relationship. Another important

point, this is something to avoid. Don't

be one-sided exclusive, okay? This is

really, really, really important. So

sometimes when we're in the friend zone,

we're super into someone, but we won't

be willing to date anyone else. So we're

exclusive with our friend, but they're

not exclusive with us. They're out there

dating and we're like, "Oh my god, I

love her so much. I I just want to know

her." Don't do that. Research shows that

one-sided exclusivity

does not increase the chances

of a transition to a romantic

relationship. In fact, the opposite.

One-sided exclusivity will decrease your

chances to enter entering a romantic

relationship. And we'll see why that is

because threats from third parties is

one of the destabilizing factors

that can actually cause the transition.

So the two of us are friends, we'll get

to this in more detail. And when I start

dating someone or when they start dating

someone, that's when we realize, oh my

goodness, there are some feelings. So in

order to transition from friends to

lovers, there are a set of things that

can happen that will sort of trigger the

transition. At the top of the list is

some kind of crisis.

So, this is something that that you

know, we see a lot in media where it's

like

police officer gets killed in the line

of duty and their wife and their partner

grieve very deeply. We both loved this

person very much.

And then we bond and we see start

something. Would they be guilty? I feel

so guilty. I'm I'm screwing my partner's

wife behind their back, but they're

dead. Oh my god. Right? This is a very

common trope. But going through a crisis

forms bonds. We see this all the time.

Trauma bonding on the inpatient unit in

psychiatry, people fall in love all the

time. So, one of the things that can

trigger a transition is a crisis.

Another thing is something that is

vaguely referred to as special

activities. Doing something that is

beyond the scope of normal activity. And

for example, in Dr. K's Guide to Love,

Sex, and Relationships where we go over

a lot of stuff like this, right? One of

the key elements of attraction and

falling in love is for your relationship

to be outside of the regular humdrum of

the world. Every day I have to wake up.

I have to commute, go to this, I have to

do laundry, I have to do this. But when

I'm with you, I'm that part of the world

ceases to exist. It's a magical I will

show you the world,

shining, shimmering, splendor.

It's the best example, right? Like

that's literally what it is. Like it's

captured in Aladdin so well. So, to do

something special, so to really try to

carve out something special or to try to

really support your partner through a

crisis, these are two of the big turning

points. The other thing that's really

interesting is that there are six

destabilizing factors that can trigger

this change, okay? So, one is competing

relationships. So, like once you start

dating, suddenly this person starts

treating you different. We're kind of

like dating.

>> Shut the up.

>> [sighs]

>> What?

>> Like shut the

up. When were you going to tell me?

>> Wait, I um

>> So, do you really like her?

>> Do I love

I don't

>> Do you love her?

>> Sure.

>> Right, this person took you for granted.

They're like, "Hey, do you have time?

Like I'm feeling bored. Like can you

come over? Like let's hang out." And

suddenly you like start dating a girl

and you're like, "No, hey, sorry. I've

got plans." And then like your friend

becomes really really upset with you,

right? So, dating someone else, being

threatened by a third person can trigger

the transition. Related to that is

something called the unexpected loss of

proximity or closeness. So, this is

literally we kind of know this, right?

When you take someone for granted and

you suddenly lose them, they're no

longer like you didn't realize how

great they were and how important they

were to you until they're gone. Human

beings do take things for granted. This

is all the plot also the plot of like

50% of romantic comedies, right? "Oh my

god, I never realized that this person

was the one and they had glasses and

they had their hair messed up, but they

went and they got their hair done and

they removed their glasses and they

changed their wardrobe and suddenly now

they are beautiful swan and I never

realized that they were the ugly

duckling. Oh my god and now they have a

boyfriend who helped them transition to

a beautiful person and now I'm jealous.

Actually, research shows that yeah,

that's that's one of them, okay? Another

destabilizing factor is sexual behavior.

So, when we're friends, if we do make

out, you know, if we do kiss, one of

those can be destabilizing to the

relationship. Next thing is a change in

personality, okay? So, this is huge.

Where Remember, average time is 22

months. One standard deviation goes up

to about 48 months, 49 months, which

means that the person you used to be

when y'all became friends, let's say we

became friends at the age of 21 and the

person that I am at 25 is different. I'm

no longer as self-conscious. I'm no

longer worried about my career. Now I

have a stable career, my personality has

changed, I come out of my shell, I'm a

late bloomer. That can trigger a

transition. So when people say work on

yourself, [snorts] if you are someone

who's in the friend zone, this is an

important part, right? So this is a 48

year your runway is 48 months. And what

can you become in for 48 months? The

other thing that's interesting about

this change in personalities is it can

include becoming more flirtatious,

right? So like at 21 I wasn't a flirt,

but now I'm a little bit flirtatious,

I'm a little bit playful. Is it a thing?

Are we friends? Are we not friends?

There's a certain amount of uncertainty

there that shakes things up. So the goal

isn't to get this person to love you,

the goal is to shake things up again a

little bit. Start to create some of

these different experiences. And one of

the things that I empha- emphasize in in

the guide to love, sex, and

relationships is that relationships are

about fertilizer and air and water. You

don't just make someone fall in love

with you. We're not trying to be

manipulative, which is what a lot of the

dark psychology people and pick up

artists and stuff will do. No, what we

want to do is understand what are the

optimal conditions for a romantic

relationship to grow, and then we want

to teach you what those conditions are.

What kind of fertilizer? Partial

sunlight? Daily water? Water every 3

days? And then as you create those

conditions, hopefully the relationship

will grow organically. This is what's

really interesting. Next two are

betrayal of confidence and deception.

That's why I love research, man. What

are the things that successfully cause

transitions from friendships to romance?

This can fracture the friendship, but

literally if you look at the the the the

data, you look at some of these studies,

negative things can sometimes trigger

the transition, right? I feel hurt by

you. I feel betrayed by you, right? You

said you were going to be there with me,

but instead you were with your

boyfriend. I was counting on you. I feel

so hurt. I start to pull away. Then you

come towards me and it's oh oh I'm so

sorry. Let me make it up to you.

Right? So this is what's kind of

interesting. I mean everyone talks about

the joys of makeup sex. But like

conflict can actually trigger a

transition. Now once these transitions

are in place, there's one really

important thing. Probably most important

thing to do is to reduce uncertainty.

The successful transition involves

reductions in uncertainty. I know it

sounds kind of weird because I just said

these will create uncertainty. That's

correct. So you got to shake things up.

But for people to successfully make that

transition, the key thing is to be to to

intentionally try to reduce the

uncertainty. I will explain what that

means. Okay, so first thing to

understand. When we're friends, we have

a dynamic. Like I know what you do, you

know what I do. And for human beings,

uncertainty is unsafe. If you think

about who you feel comfortable with, the

people that you feel comfortable with

are the people that are predictable.

Hey, when my friend comes over, this guy

will make fun of me. This guy will be

hyper competitive. This guy is pretty

chill. I know what to expect. So when we

make this transition, we are starting

from a safe place of understood

expectations. I know what to expect of

this person. As I transition into a

relationship, now there's a lot of

uncertainty. And if we try to reduce

that uncertainty in a very targeted

manner, it'll make the transition way

more likely to succeed. Because

uncertainty is what scares people away.

I don't want to try it because what'll

happen to our friendship. Right? That's

what we started at the top. So this is

why we don't want to go from zero to

100%. So if we confess our love, right?

You know me. I'm Dr. K. Right? This is

this is who I am. You guys are familiar

with me. You know who I am. If one day I

wake up and you I'm Dr. K. This is what

today I'm launching a crypto coin. This

Dr. K crypto coin HG coin, the only

crypto coin that rises and falls with

your mental health. Right bros? I'm

going to show up I'm going to do a bunch

of steroids. I'm going to show up I'm

going to be a different person and I'm

going to be looks maxing Dr. K cuz I'm

launching my crypto coin. Yeah. Let's go

bro. If I suddenly started doing that

like even that what I did right there

was predictable because sometimes I do

voices and sometimes I do ask accents

and sometimes I'm satirical. And so that

makes you laugh. It doesn't freak you

out. So when you confess your love, what

you're doing is maximizing uncertainty

because this person had no idea. And

then suddenly you're like, "Oh my god, I

love you. I can't live without you." And

they're like, "I don't know what to do

with you. I don't know what the future

looks like. I was not expecting this

change from you and now that I realize

that this is changing, what else about

you could have changed? What else about

you did I not see? Did I not realize?

How could I have missed this? Do you

guys see how all of those thoughts are

very scary, very uncertain, and are not

going to cause someone to go

"Love me too."? Doesn't work. Scares

people off. That's why people

don't like being in the friend zone.

They don't know how to transition out of

it. Everything they try to do get out of

it is desperate and scares people away.

Goal is to reduce uncertainty. So how do

we reduce that? There are four kinds of

uncertainty that I want you guys to

actively think about, okay? First is

behavioral norm uncertainty. This is

like when we're friends, there are

certain behaviors that we do and we know

what we do. If I hold my hand out for a

high five, you give me a high five,

right? If I come in for a hug, it's a

hug. But there's a lot of behavioral

norm uncertainty. Do I hold the door

open for you when we

get into the car? When we go in for a

hug, is it also a kiss? Do you grab a

little bit of the the tush on the

backside? We don't know how to behave

with each other. Another thing is like,

you know, when we sit on the couch, if

we're friends, I sit in my spot, you sit

sit in your spot. If we start dating,

what then? What does that mean? So, this

is where like I'll I'll tell you guys

like a move that my wife made on me. So,

there was It's funny how much we track

with this. So, we were at a friend's

place, we were at a party, and then

everyone's like crashing at my friend's

place, okay? So, we're like all driving

to his place, we're crashing there. And

then we're both kind of into each other,

but like, you know, so we're like we're

like, "Hey, like I'm going to crash in

this room. Where are you going to

crash?" They're like she's like, "I'll

crash here." So, like the two of us are

in a bedroom, but I'm thinking to myself

like, "Hey, like I don't want to take

advantage of her or like we're friends,

so I'm not going to make a move." So, I

I like lay down literally on top of the

covers and she gets inside the covers

and I think to myself, this is the way

that I preserve the sanctity of our

friendship. And then she tosses and

turns for a little while, and then she

makes a move, which is she grabs my arm

and yanks me around to put it around

her, right? So, this is like a high

uncertainty move. It's a really scary

move to make. Like we don't know like

what happens if I'm not into her. I

mean, she knows I'm into her.

And we were both a little bit tipsy. And

and so like that's like an example of

like, "What do we do? Like how do we

transition?" There's a whole video about

early relationship touch in the guide.

How do you navigate these things? And so

like that's a pretty clear signal, but

it also opens us up for rejection. So,

how do you deal with behavioral

uncertainty? Sometimes you just have a

conversation about it. Sometimes what

you do is you make a small move.

Sometimes you apologize, right? So, you

you say, "Hey, like I have some feelings

for you. Is it okay if I Can we try like

dating? Can like we go on a single date?

Can we give this a shot?" And then I can

also be like, "As a while we're on the

date, you know, it's it's like" I'll ask

like like you can reach for their hand

or you can say, as you all are walking,

it's like, "Hey, is it okay if I hold

your hand?" Or I really want to hold

your hand. That's pretty good. That

works usually pretty well. Just letting

people know how you feel. Like I really

Is it weird if I Or you grab their hand

and you say, "Hey, is it like weird if I

do this?" Right? And then this is also

like the the subtle like in the '90s and

'80s there was like the move, the reach

around, right? Where you put your arm

around them. So, you put your you drape

your arm over the back of the couch, and

then does the person snuggle in or do

they move away? There's a lot of this

like testing of uncertainty, okay? And

we want to try to reduce that

uncertainty. We want to make those steps

small. We want to let people know, "Hey,

if this is too much, it's not that big

of a deal." They control the pace of the

change. We want to reduce that

behavioral uncertainty. Next thing

that's really important to reduce

is mutuality uncertainty. Hey, I like I

like Alice. Does Alice like me? Does she

have a boyfriend? Is she into me? Hey,

bro, can you talk to Alice's friend

Cathy and see if Cathy Find out from

Cathy, "Is Alice like into me at all?"

I'm like, "Why? Are you into her?" Well,

like I don't know. Like maybe a little

bit, but is she into me? So, human

beings are terrified of mutuality

uncertainty. So, one of the key things

that you can do is to realize that,

right? And then try to do something to

reduce it. And that's going to depend on

the individual scenario. So, that could

be something as simple as, "Hey, like I

really value you as a friend. I want to

give this a shot." And then for the

other person to be like, "Hey, I really

value you as a friend, too. I'm open to

giving it a shot." Right? You want to

reduce that mutuality uncertainty. And

it's not even that you have to feel the

same way. This is really important to

understand. It is the uncertainty

of the feelings that really freaks

people out. Just think about it for a

minute. What really freaks you out in

relationships is that you don't know how

the other person feels. That's what's so

scary about it. So, actively try to

reduce that. Let people know where you

are. Try to get where other people are.

Try to match their level a little bit.

Another big one, definitional

uncertainty. Okay, so this is what's

really scary. So, if you think about

defining the relationship conversation.

Hey, we need to have a DTR. Before we

DTF, we need to have a DTR.

Defining the relationship. What are we?

Are we just friends? Are we dating? Are

we talking? What are we? This is what's

scary. If you start dating someone,

there's a defining the relationship

conversation, but there is less

uncertainty in defining the relationship

in dating than there is in friendship.

Because defining the relationship is now

complicated because there's the

friendship over here, and there's the

dating over here. Most people who go

straight into romantic dating just have

to deal with this. And so, people who

successfully address that uncertainty,

and you once again, it's like

conversation, like whole lessons on

communication in the guide, right? But

to for you to realize that the when you

guys are dating, the more that you all

can feel safe with each other by

reducing reducing that relationship

uncertainty, and that's why like that's

even baked in at the beginning where

it's like, "Hey, I've have these

feelings. Is it okay if we try this

date? Can we give this a shot?" That

statement in and of itself is reducing

uncertainty. And then, this is really

important, future uncertainty. What

happens if this doesn't work out, right?

And I want you guys to think about this.

Imagine you're at a job. So, imagine

you're at a job.

And you get a different job offer. You

get an offer to do some contract work

somewhere else, okay? Then you go to

your boss and you say, "Hey, I got this

offer. I'm not sure what to do." And

your boss says, "You know what? I think

you should If you want to go for it, you

can go for it. If you don't like it in 6

months, I'll hold your job for you. You

can always come back. You can give it a

shot if you want." Imagine Just imagine

for a moment what that would do for you.

For you to know what happens when this

doesn't work out. What happens in the

future? People ask me all the time, "I

don't know what to major in because I

don't know what the job market will be."

Future uncertainty scares the crap out

of people. So, the more that you can

target that by even saying like, "Look,

hey, if we break up, what's going to

happen? Are we going to be friends?

What's going to happen to us in the

future? What's going to happen to our

social circle? Are Are to let people

know that we're dating? Are we not going

to let people know that we're dating?

Addressing all of these issues of

uncertainty makes people feel safe,

makes people more likely to give a shot

to the transition. And so, I know people

are like, "Oh my god, the friend zone is

such a terrible place to be." What's

really shocking is that it's a great

place to be. Statistically, getting out

of it requires a skill set that most of

us are never taught and half of us

figure out. The other half don't. So, if

you're struggling with like open field

kind of stuff and you're alone and you

don't know how to transition out of the

friendship, follow some of this stuff.

And for all the other stuff about

chemistry and love and attraction and

charisma and transitioning to the next

step of the relationship and engaging in

healthy sexual relationships, check out

Dr. K's Guide to Love, Sex, and

Relationships. Good luck. You're going

to need it.

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