Today, I'm going to share with y'all my

least popular dating advice, which as a

psychiatrist, I have found to be

incredibly effective. And that is to

stop dating people that you are

attracted to. Now, when I say this, the

most common response is anger. Cancel

this guy. What is this guy saying? Oh my

god, this is so terrible. Right? I

deserve to date who I'm attracted to.

You can't control who you're attracted

to. Right? Are you asking me to settle,

Dr. K? Like that's insane, dude. Like I

want this and I want to become an alpha.

I want to become great. I want to become

successful so that I can date this

person. But let's think for a second,

okay? Should we eat the foods that we're

attracted to? Right? Not necessarily.

Should we do the things that we're

attracted to? Not really. But when it

comes to love, this is when our mind or

our brain gets it right. Right. Like

this is the one part the brain can make

mistakes when it comes to food choices,

when it comes to how we spend our time.

But when it comes to love, this is the

time where our brain makes great

calculations. Obviously not. So in order

to understand why you shouldn't date

people that you're attracted to, you

have to understand basically how the

mind works on a basic level. First thing

about the mind, it does not like

internal conflict. So when we have cases

of cognitive dissonance, mind hates

that. So if I want something and I'm

afraid of it, this is a problem because

cognitive dissonance leads to inaction

and the mind needs to make its mind up.

That's what the mind has to do. Like

this is really fascinating, but you go

to like a grocery store and you're

trying to figure out what kind of chips

should I get? The mind doesn't know. And

then that confusion gets resolved. Do I

want to get this kind of chip or do I

want to get this kind of chip or do I

want to get this kind of chip? And like

30 seconds later, it's like I want this

one. Right? So it's kind of weird. A

moment ago you were conflicted and then

your mind goes through this process of

getting rid of the conflict and if we

are internally conflicted we cannot move

forward. So our mind has this thing

called defense mechanisms. Now here's

the interesting thing about defense

mechanisms. You may say which defense

mechanism are we talking about Dr. K?

Are we talking about rationalization?

Are we talking about suppression? Are we

talking about narcissism? Which

depression? The answer is basically all

of them. So, all of these defense

mechanisms do basically one thing. They

wall off a part of our mind. That's what

they're for. Let's say that I have a

lack of confidence in myself and I'm

trying to get a job interview and I go

to the job interview and someone points

out something that I'm not great at. The

narcissistic defense activates and

protects me from that insecurity. Okay,

so here's the key thing. Defense

mechanisms in the mind of the person

convince them that things that are true

are now false. Right? That's what

defense mechanisms do. If I feel guilty

after breaking up with you, I'm going to

rationalize the breakup with you. I'm

going to come up with all these reasons

why it was a good idea. I'm going to

wall that guilt off. This is how defense

mechanisms work. Take a part of our mind

that is accurate, split it off. Now, we

have a basic problem. Just because a

part of us is defended doesn't mean that

it disappears. Case in point with a

narcissist. They're defended against

their insecurity. If you call them

insecure, they will argue against you.

They will fight. They will defend

against you, right? Because they're

defending against themsel. They can't

face the truth. We know this about

narcissists. But there's a problem. That

emotional energy is still there. Just

because a narcissist is defended, just

because I've rationalized something

away, doesn't mean that the guilt

disappears. And if you look at studies

on trauma for example, we know that

people with high amounts of

emotionality, basically they numb that

part of their brain, but the part of

their brain is still active. This is why

they have nightmares. This is why they,

you know, will jump when a door slams.

There are all kinds of other things, but

that emotional energy is still there. It

doesn't disappear. Then we the brain

runs into another problem, which is that

defending against stuff is very

cognitively exhausting, right? So if you

attack a narcissist's insecurities, it's

going to drain them immensely. So we

need some place for this emotional

energy to go. And what we do is

something called projection. And if you

want to understand why you should not

date people that you are attracted to,

it comes down to projection. So let's

understand this, okay? If you find

yourself in a pattern of dating, so this

could be I continually date people who

are afraid of commitment. I date people

who are [ __ ] boys. I date people who are

clingy. And even this is what's really

interesting. Even if you don't end up

dating, you find yourself attracted

consistently to people who are out of

reach. People will say like, "Okay,

there are incelss, there are fem cells.

Why don't the incels and fem cells date

each other? They'll have companionship.

Done. Solved. Fixed, right?" No, but

incelss only want supermodels. They're

attracted to a very specific kind of

thing. So, if you find yourself in a

pattern when it comes to dating, which

can include never even dating because

you're attracted to someone who's out of

reach. If you understand this, you will

understand the route to not all of those

patterns, but it's huge. Loneliness is

at an all-time high. Sexlessness is at

an all-time high. Relationships are

probably in the worst state they've ever

been in the history of humanity. And

that's why I made Dr. K's guide to love,

sex, and relationships. Let's talk about

who you should actually date. Falling in

love is sometimes one of the biggest

mistakes that you can make. You know, I

started to do a lot of research about

how to have like really good sex.

>> Visit healthygamer.gg. GG/guide to learn

more. Good luck out there, mother. Y'all

are going to need it. The first example

that we're going to use is the movie

Mean Girls starring Lindsay Lohan. So,

this is a movie about a group of high

school girls who are pretty. But here's

the thing. Even if you are a pretty girl

in high school, there's a good chance

that you are insecure and you are afraid

of being ugly. Even pretty girls will

feel ugly. I see this all the time with

things like body dysmorphia. You'll see

all of these beautiful actresses. I

don't know if you guys noticed this, but

everyone in Hollywood looks the same

now. Like, we're homogenizing

appearances as even young women and men

are starting to get work done, right?

So, even pretty people are afraid

they're ugly. And so, what do we do? We

find an appropriate vessel. This is huge

for projection. So, when we have this

emotional energy that's walled off, we

need a place to stick it. And what we

look for is an appropriate vessel. So,

cue Mean Girls. And this is why the

movie is so successful because everyone

can relate to this. I'm going to find an

ugly girl for the friend group, right?

And once I have the ugly girl in the

friend group, I'm going to project all

of my feelings of ugliness onto that

vessel. And the vessel should be

receptive. So the girl feels ugly at the

beginning too. So it works out fine.

Then we run into a problem because if

the vessel no longer becomes

appropriate. If the vessel gets a glow

up, they are no longer able to contain

the ugly energy. And as they are no

longer able to contain the ugly energy,

the ugly energy starts to seep out. And

we will see this time and time and time

again. And sometimes what can happen is

when someone starts to become an

inappropriate vessel, when we can no

longer pass off our ugliness on to them,

we will sabotage them. We will do

something called induction where we will

[ __ ] make them ugly. I'm going to cut

her hair. I'm going to talk crap about

them. I'm going to attack their social

standing. We see this also in friend

groups when there's one person who's

like the butt of the joke and if that

person this person is the butt of the

joke, right? So let's do this. Let's

let's practice this model. I am

confident and inside I am a loser. So

I'm going to find a friend who we are

going to bully. I take my feelings of

being a loser and then I'm going to

bully one person in the friend group.

And friend groups love this because we

have a vessel now for all of our

insecurity. We all feel like losers. All

of us are 25% loser. But am I a winner?

I don't know. Am I a winner? Am I a

loser? Let's find one person who's a

convenient punching bag and we're going

to all gang up on this person together.

And here's what's really cool. When we

all gang up on them together, they

cannot become a winner, right? So, we

induce in them, we force them to stay a

loser, which is awesome because then

they can all this projected energy, they

can keep taking it and keep taking it

and keep taking it. Making sense? Really

scary. This is how this works. So, I'm

going to go over this model for just a

second. Okay. So what do we need? We

need a vessel. Here is the conscious

mind. This is what we are aware of. And

this is the unconscious mind. This is

what we are defended against. And what

we need is the qualities in here are

going to be the same as the vessel. This

is what we're going to see. So let's

look at several patterns and see how

this plays out. First pattern that we're

going to look at, the nice guy. Okay. So

let's go over who the nice guy is

attracted to. Oh my god. nice guy is

attracted to. Oh, she's amazing. And I'm

there for her. She's beautiful. She's

awesome. She's talented. She keeps on

dating the wrong guys. So, she's

unavailable. She doesn't appreciate me.

She doesn't see like she's like, "Oh my

god, I want someone who's just like you.

I need to find a boyfriend who's just

like you." Like, I'm right here. Like,

fall in love with me. Like, why don't

you fall in love with me, you [ __ ]

Come on. What the [ __ ] is wrong with

you? Like, I'm right here. I've been

here for years. Why can't you see this?

Like, I'm exactly what you've been

looking for. you [ __ ] [ __ ] So,

she's unavailable. She's evil. She's a

[ __ ] She doesn't love me. So, in the

conscious mind, what does the nice guy

view themselves as? They view themselves

as the good guy. I'm a good person. But

remember, when we talk about nice guys,

we discover something really scary,

which is that there's good guys and

they're nice guys. And the two are not

the same. So, let's go through our

psychological equation. If good guys are

over here, if if being a good guy is in

my conscious mind, what is over here?

Being a bad guy, right? And this is

what's really scary. If you like talk to

people about nice guys, what you

discover is that many of them will say

nice guys are not good guys. They're

actually bad. They're manipulative.

They're like emotional. They're like,

you know, they're not actually good.

Now, here's the really cool thing. Oh my

god, look at that. the vessel for their

projection. This person who they get

really frustrated with and they think

it's love, right? They think it's

sacrifice. They think it's commitment.

Perfect vessel for their own walled off

nastiness. And eventually nice guys will

crack, right? Eventually, they'll start

to become resentful. I know this is

what's so weird. that person, the person

that the nice guy chose to fall in love

with was fundamentally unavailable from

the beginning. And this is the weird

thing about being a nice guy, right? Is

like as the person signals to you, I'm

not interested in you, you fall in love

more and you fall in love more and you

can't stay away. Think about that from a

psychological energetic standpoint. Why

can't you stay away? Because they're the

perfect vessel for the part of yourself

that you are unwilling to look at. Let's

do another one. The fixer. I love this

one. See this all the time. I like this

example because this is an example that

I think actually is like less defended

against. I think a lot of fixers who try

to find people to fix, right? And we all

love this. I can fix her. I can fix him.

Like I can do it. Like oh my god, this

person is so broken. I can I'm so into

this. Like, yeah, give me that goth

chick who engages in self-injurious

behavior and cutting and like, I will

fix her. She has so much deep sadness in

her heart and I will show her love.

Like, I will show her. Like, I can fix

it. Like, I can do it. Come on, guys.

Like, oh my god, I'm so into her, right?

So, we look for someone who is broken.

This is super scary. So, I've had like

patients who have like bad depression

and then we'll try a particular

medication. We'll go into therapy,

things like that. And then as the

patient gets better, their partner who

brings them to all of the appointments

starts to sabotage the treatment. So

sometimes we'll see this on things like

house and stuff like munchouses by

proxy. But if you are in a fixer and

fixy relationship, one of the most

terrifying things that can happen is the

person can get fixed. You can actually

succeed. And then what happens? So, if

you're the fixer and you're in a

relationship with someone broken and you

help them get healthy again, then things

become can become really problematic,

right? Because now they're like, "What

do you have to offer? They're going to

move on. They're going to find somebody

else. They deserve someone better. And

so, you start to withdraw from the

relationship." And think about that.

What happened? They're no longer an

appropriate vessel. They had the glow

up. They can't hold your ugly energy

anymore. So, you will start to retreat

or you will sabotage. Doesn't happen

100% of the time. This happens to like I

want to say 30 to 40% of people who have

chronic relationship problems.

Projection is a huge part of it. Okay.

So I'm the fixer. I am capable. So let's

think about it. What is the cognitive

dissonance? I am broken. Right? And I

look for someone who is broken. If they

get fixed, they're no longer an

appropriate vessel. Like I said, what I

like about this example is often times

people who are fixers have greater

insight into being broken. And this is

what their experience is. Like when I'm

a fixer, I know I'm broken, but I become

less broken when I help someone else. I

can't get my [ __ ] together. I can't show

up for my own appointments. I can't take

care of my health. But when it comes to

helping somebody else, then I can show

up in a big way. The best version of me

is brought out by helping someone, which

has other mechanisms involved, but this

is the psychological structure that

sometimes cripples people. They're aware

of their brokenness and they keep it at

bay by fixing other people. Do we talk

about this? Oh yeah, incelss.

So incelss do not want to date fem

cells. They want to date supermodels.

They want to date 10 out of 10. So this

once again is a vessel. Now here's the

weird thing. What is that a vessel for?

Let's see if we can run our script

again. What is this person? This person

is attractive. This person is good. This

person is capable. This person is

amazing. This person has self-esteem.

Okay, now hopefully you guys are seeing

the pattern already, but you're like,

"Hold on a second. That's not what

incelss are." You're right. Incelss are

hopeless, right? If you talk to an

incel, they're losers. They're pathetic.

And they try really hard to convince us

of that, right? They're deplorable. The

second you meet them, they'll start

opening their mouth. And when they open

their mouth, you will start to think all

of these things about them. They're so

bad. So bad, so bad, so bad, so bad.

They'll say it, you'll say it. We'll all

agree. It's easy. They're pathetic.

They're hopeless. They're ugly. Oh, I

forgot ugly.

So, if we look at this, I know you guys

are going to [ __ ] hate this because

you already know this. What's on the

inside? What are they defended against?

That there's hope, that they're decent

human beings, that they're not ugly.

Okay, I had a really interesting

interview with an incel a couple of

years ago where the dude showed up in a

ball cap and a mask and he was like

convinced he was really ugly. And at the

end of the interview, like, you know, it

was a live interview and and chat was

there and we kind of asked him, "Hey,

bro, can you take off your like mask?

Like, do you feel comfortable taking off

your mask? we really want to see what

your face is. And the dude was like a

solid seven. But in his mind, he's like

a two. In his mind, he cannot like show

up in places publicly. Mask on, hat on,

all you can see is his eyes. Convinced

he's ugly. Now, here's the really

interesting thing. If you try to tell an

incel, hey bro, there's hope. You're not

a loser. I have faith in you. I think

you're a good person. What do they do?

They argue with you. They're defended

against that. They intellectualize.

There may be hope for other people, but

there's no hope for me. such a potent

intellectual defense mechanism. And what

are they defending against? The belief

of hope. Because hope hurts. If there's

zero chance, there's zero need for

effort. See, human beings are really

resilient. We can live through genocide

and holocaust and all kinds of stuff. We

can live through all kinds of terrible

things, terrible economic times. We're

survivors, but don't give us hope

because if we can hope, we can hurt. So

if you find yourself in a repetitive

relationship pattern of being attracted

to someone, you have to be really

careful that the nature of your

attraction is not projection. Why does

projection manifest so much in romantic

relationships? Because they're the best

vessel. Because if I can find a vessel

that I can get married to and spend the

rest of my life with, that is the best

way for me to offload this psychic

energy, right? And we as humans are

communal animals. This is like part of

the way that our psychology works. We

see it in high schools. We see it in

movies. We see it in relationships. So,

step number one, ask yourself, do I have

what I'm attracted to? And the answer

will probably be no. So, think about all

the things that you're attracted to in

this person. Look for them within

yourself. You may find that this stuff

is hard to access for you. And this, by

the way, is why we do things like

coaching and stuff like that because we

were doing some data analysis on our

coaching program. And like one of the

things that we discovered is that you

know when you spend 12 14 weeks with

someone they analyze your patterns they

can point a finger to the things that

you are ignoring. Right? So this is

where shadow work comes in. But shadow

work is hard because it's hard to see

the things that you're defended against

because the instrument that is doing the

seeing is doing the defending. So look

for what you're attracted to. If you

want to break this pattern, there are

two ways to do it. The first is to not

follow that initial instinct. This is

really important. Understand ton of

research shows that what you are

attracted to is not the same as fit in a

relationship. What makes you satisfied

in a relationship is not the same as

what you are attracted to in a

relationship. So I had a patient who

once said, "Dr. K, I don't understand

why I only attract [ __ ] boys." And then

what we discovered is she actually

attracts everybody. She chooses the [ __ ]

boy. Second thing that we want to do is

integrate this. So as we integrate

whatever it is, as an incel develops

hope, as someone who is pretty starts to

acknowledge that they may be ugly as

well, as we integrate, we no longer need

a particular kind of vessel. And then we

can be attracted to the qualities that

make that person themselves. We can fall

in love with who they are instead of

what we project onto them.