Do you want to find your soulmate? Are

soulmates even real? And if they're

real, how do you find them? The more

messed up your dopamine circuitry is,

the harder it is to fall in love. Dating

apps actually shoot us in the foot

because they're selecting for

friendship. They're selecting for

compatibility. But compatibility is not

love. Today, we're going to talk about

soulmates. So, if you look at the world

today, everyone wants to find well, I

don't know if everyone wants to find a

lot of people want to find their

soulmate. But if we look at sort of

outcomes data and things like that,

there it's really really really hard to

find a soulmate in today's world. Dating

is an absolute mess. The number of pics

exchanged is at an all-time historic

high. We see uh you know the lowest

fertility rates that we've seen in many

many many decades or centuries. In East

Asia, in the United States and in the

Western world, people are getting

married later. Fewer people are getting

married. The number of kids that we're

having is going down. People are

struggling. There's a loneliness

epidemic across the globe that is

probably the worst loneliness epidemic

that we've ever faced as the human race.

So despite the fact that we have so many

opportunities for connection, we are the

loneliest that we've ever been. And

there are all these things called dating

apps, right? And these dating apps

promise that, hey, if you use this app,

you will be able to find love, find your

soulmate. I don't know if they promise

that. I don't know what they actually

promised, but something weird is going

on because as our access to potential

partners has actually increased

theoretically, right? The cool thing

about dating apps is I can run into and

interact with people that I would not

normally run into. People are like

struggling even more than ever. And so

then this question becomes, okay, do you

want to find your soulmate? Are

soulmates even real? And if they're

real, how do you find them? So this is

such a challenging question to answer

because there aren't studies on soul

mates, right? No one's doing randomized

control trials or prospective cohort

studies on soulmates. How do you define

it from a scientific term? So the first

thing that we're going to talk about is

when we talk about love, what does this

mean? So the thing about soulmates is

that we fall in love. So this is a a

paper called critical review of the

meaning of the concept of love. Great

paper. You know, there was a researcher

in 1977 who conducted an in-depth

research into the phenomenon of love and

found that the concept of love can

actually be decided into several

different types or sub aspects. Okay. So

this is something that was actually

defined in I think ancient Greece. So

aeros this type of love is characterized

by strong uh and passionate passion.

People feel fascinated and crazy about

their partner. Classic form of romantic

love. Okay. So when you find your

soulmate, do you feel passion? Do you

feel fascinated and crazy? Ludus. This

type of love reflects a more comp

competitive or playful approach to

relationships. People who adear to this

type of love tend to see relationships

as a game to be won or as a challenge to

be completed. Right? So the this is kind

of a more playful love. It's kind of

like you know who wins in the end. So

storage the type of love that grows from

friendships and relationships that build

on similar in interests. So this is a

love that slowly grows and de develops

from the intimacy and mutual

understanding that has existed over a

long time. So when people say like how

do I get out of the friend zone? Right?

This is a big debate. Can can someone

who if you've fallen in love with your

best friend, can something happen? Yes.

I think the answer is yes. Pragma love

that is seen practically or

pragmatically. People who adhere to this

type of love tend to choose partners

based on practical criteria such as

suitability of values, social status,

and financial stability. Power couples

relationships is a means to achieve

goals or fulfill certain needs. Mania is

a type of love that tends to be

obsessive, may feel anxious or insecure

in their relationships, tend to pursue

their partners with a need for constant

attention and validation, characterized

by strong and unstable emotions. A gape

love, a a love, a form of love based on

commitment, sacrifice, and selfless care

for one's partner, altruistic and

enobling love, prepared to make

sacrifices for the happiness and

well-being of their partner. So, the

first thing that I want to point out,

see, when we talk about finding your

soulmate, what does that mean? Does that

mean that you you fall in love with

someone? But if we look at the concept

of love, it actually encompasses a lot

of different things. And I think the

first mistake that we make when we try

to find our soulmate is that we mix all

of these things together. So I I think

this is where we see the first problem

with dating apps, which is that if we

look at it, right? So there's a

practical kind of love, right? So we

have pragma love. So, this is a love

where it's like you're looking at this

other person and you're saying, "I have

I'm this religion. I want kids. This is

what I want. My financial I want to be a

stay-at-home dad. I want to be a

stay-at-home mom. I want my and my

partner wants to be married to a

stay-at-home mom, a stay-at-home dad."

Right? They want to work. They want

someone to be at home with the kids.

They want to have kids. We have a

similar religion. This is qualitatively

different from passion for aeros from

mania. So that's a a second dimension.

Now I think the biggest problem and and

this is why it's important to understand

these two things are different because

the majority of using dating apps we're

selecting for pragma not passion. We're

not falling in love. We're gauging

people like job interviews. So this is

actually closer to matchmaking.

Relationships have never been easy.

Anytime you interact with someone,

you're dealing with their unique soup of

emotions, expectations, and even

traumatic baggage. And the fact that

we're all texting now and dating apps

are a thing is not making things easier.

That's why we developed a coaching

program to help our community with

modern relationship problems. So if

y'all are struggling with your

relationships, check out the link in the

description below.

So in India even to this day, we have

arranged marriages. So arranged

marriages are when like your parents and

somebody else's parents get together.

They look at your religious like do you

eat meat? Do you drink alcohol? Are you

like financially stable? Do you all want

to have kids? Like they look at all of

these factors and they try to match them

up. It is a pragmatic approach to love.

And love is not even a part of that,

right? So it's like even in arranged

marriages what what tends to happen. So

this is like how it's been described to

me is that you match initially. And so I

was talking to uh you know one of my

close family friends and I was asking

him like you know what was it like when

you met your wife? and he was like, "We

met the day before we got married and it

was decided to be a a good match." And

then over time, so they've been married

for like 40 years and happily so they've

raised a couple of kids. Their kids are

doing great. Their grandkids are doing

great. They're like living their best

life. And so then they also develop this

other kind of storage love, right? So

this is a love that is based on

friendships and relationships. So this

is like we we've been together for a

long time. We've grown together for a

long time. It's not this passionate

aeros kind of love. So the first thing

that we have to be careful about and

we'll understand why this is in a minute

is that if we're selecting for one type

of love it may actually come at the cost

of another kind of love. So over time, I

think you can develop them all in all of

the aspects, but at the beginning, as

we'll see, there are a couple of really

interesting models of love and passion

and intimacy that make it hard to fall

in love and feel that spark and that

chemistry if you are mentally

approaching it like a job interview. If

you're trying to find your best partner,

the partner that fits with your life.

This is utilizing a different part of

your brain than the part of your brain

that falls in love. So I think what's

actually going on is that what we're

seeing, the reason it's so hard to find

chemistry with people is because we are

actually selecting for one part of our

brain instead of the other. So let's

talk about that for a second. If we look

at uh studies on falling in love, what

fuels passion, an integrative review of

competing theories of romantic passion.

So we're going to talk about two

theories. So there's something called

the rate of change in intimacy model and

there is something called the

self-expansion model. So let's explain

what these are. So if you look at like

studies on how human beings fall in

love, there are a couple of different

models that describe the romantic love,

the aeros love. Okay, so here's how

we're approaching this lecture. So

soulmates, question number one, are they

real? If yes, is there a biology

to soul mates? And is there a let's call

it spirituality to soul mates? So are we

talking about a soul is like a

transcendental concept or is the

experience of soulmates just humans in

their brains. So next thing that we have

to do is that there are different types

of love. Aeros, pragma, storage. Okay.

And then a gape. This is the

sacrificial. So now the question becomes

are there biological

mechanisms towards these different

things and the answer is yes. So pragma

love is going to be from your frontal

loes right this is we're making

calculations

analyses storage love is going to be

friendship allies partners I'm not sure

exactly where that comes from maybe this

is something related to oxytocin but

maybe not. And then there's a gape love

which is sacrifice. So you put this

person ahead of yourselves. So this

comes from the parts of our brain that

give us compassion, right? So this is a

different kind of love. And then we have

aeros. So now we're going to look at a

couple of different models. So this is

falling in love. This feeling of of a

soulmate. Like what does it what does it

feel like to meet your soulmate? You

feel so connected. You love them. You

just met them and you feel a spark.

That's why we're going to talk about the

rate of intimacy model. Okay. So, let's

understand this. Here's time. Here is

how well you know someone. So, when I

meet a soulmate, I don't know them very

well. I just met them for the first

time. And I learn a little bit about

them. Then I learn a little bit more.

Then we start hanging out. Then we start

hanging out more. And I'm learning more.

Oh my god, now we're trauma bonding. Now

we're connected. Now I'm discovering

this. And now, oh my god, we like all

the same bands. And then eventually,

actually, this is maybe a better

indication of it. So now I'm falling in

love, but then something starts to

happen. Now I know a lot about them. Now

I'm starting to, you know, we're kind of

getting into a relationship. I'm still

learning things about them. These things

are not as fun as before. And then

eventually I know them. So what this

model posits and I think this there's

neuroscientific evidence of this is that

the rate at which you are getting to

know someone. So how much more how much

is intimacy increased here, right? Like

let's say it's increased zero. How much

has it intimacy increased here? It's

increased three. How much has it

increased here? It's increased five. How

much has it increased here? Now it's

increased 10. So this is like if we're

looking at calculus, it's the rate of

change. The level of intimacy is

accelerating. So I knew one fact about

them today. Then I knew three things

about them. Then I knew five things

about them. Then I knew 10 things. So

this is + two + one plus oh, this is

plus two. So that doesn't really make

sense. And here's plus five, right? Does

that make sense? So this number has to

be going up. When this number is going

up, we are falling in love. And then

what the rate of intimacy model even

shows us is that thus this model

suggests that when intimacy is rising

quickly, it's not whether intimacy is

high or low. It's the rate at which it

accelerates. Passion will be high. In

contrast, when intimacy is stable and no

longer increasing, few new details and

experiences are being shared, passion

will be low. Given that there is only so

much information to be learned about a

partner, intimacy often plateaus in

relationships, at which point passion

starts to decline. So this is what the

intimacy model sort of shows us. So when

we meet our soulmate, we fall in love

with them. We are already in love with

them and then we learn more and we learn

more and we learn more and we fall

further and further and further in love.

And then what often times happens when

we meet our soul mates, things kind of

sta get stable. They kind of like fall

out of whack, things like that, right?

Uh it's not so much anymore falling out

of love. So if we want to have a healthy

relationship that starts with a with an

aeros love, once we get to this phase,

we have to replace it with something

else. And this is where you can start

out with aeros, but then do you add

pragma? Do you add storage? Do you add a

gape? Right? This is what allows people

to fall in love for like three months

and then be happily married for 40

years. The quality of love is different.

The neuroscience of the love is

different. So let's talk about

neuroscience a little bit. So this kind

of love is governed by the nucleus and

dopamine. So if we remember dopamine

gives us a sense of pleasure, gives us a

sense of craving and gives us a sense of

behavioral reinforcement. Right? So if I

smoke a cigarette, I get some pleasure

from it and then I want another one and

then I smoke another one. So what we

know from studies on love is that when

you are with someone that you love,

we're talking about this phase, okay?

The rate of intimacy. We're talking

about aeros. So their presence secretes

dopamine in your brain. That's it. Just

their presence. They don't even have to

be doing anything. You'll And then like

if you've been in love, like you kind of

know what I'm talking about, right? like

you're just with them and you can't wait

to be with them. I crave you. What part

of you? Any part of you. You're holding

hands, you're hanging out, you're

walking around, you're eating meals,

you're just with the other person. You

don't need any kind of activity. And

that's just simply because their

presence secretes dopamine, gives you

pleasure, causes you to crave them,

right? And causes you to seek them out

again. Another key thing about this is

that this also suppresses

your risk assessment. circuits and

suppresses your analytical circuits.

This is why when you fall in love you do

stupid things. This is a feature not a

bug. Now if we sort of look at this what

that means is that aeros is going to

inhibit pragma. Now the question becomes

does pragma also inhibit aeros? So now

let's look at a different model. So this

is time here is intimacy. So now let's

look at the dating app model. So if we

look at dating apps, what we see is that

the level that you get to know someone

over time is actually way higher, right?

So you start out learning a lot of stuff

about them before you even talk to them.

You learn what they do, what their prior

relationships are, do they have kids,

what do they like, do they share

interests, and then we select people

based on this. So there are a couple of

big problems with this. The first is

that shared interests develop into

friendships, right? So storage love or

the love of friendships and

relationships built on similar interests

is not actually like that's not what

leads to falling in love. And we also

see this from a rate of intimacy change

model. So if I already know people and

then I start talking to them, I get to

know them a little bit. I get to know

them a little bit. Maybe we hang out,

maybe we talk a little bit. I really

felt some connection, but then they're

ghosting me the next day. So this is +

one or this is plus 0 + one sorry that's

a not a four + one + one + one. So the

rate of change is constant, right? This

is this is just it's moving by a factor

of plus one. Whereas if we look at the

Aeros model, it's moving like this. So I

think this is why it's so hard to fall

in love on dating apps because the

requisite circuitry to release the

chemicals in our nucleus ccumbent that

causes us to find pleasure and craving

and behavioral reinforcement. Dating

apps actually shoot us in the foot

because they're selecting for

friendship. They're selecting for

compatibility, but compatibility is not

love, y'all. In fact, compatibility, I

think, is sometimes the opposite of

love. And now we get to something that's

also kind of interesting from a like a

neuroscience perspective. See, at a

given time, your right hemisphere or

your left hemisphere is dominantly

active. A great example of this is if we

look at the way that art is made. So if

I'm like writing something a creative

pursuit within me there is an author and

there's an editor. There's a person who

feels inspired to create and then

there's another person who judges the

creation and says that it is not good

enough and needs to be improved in

certain ways. Often times when we engage

in creative pursuits until we resolve

this conflict it becomes impossible to

write. Right? You can't when you're

painting a a a painting, you can't judge

your painting while you're painting it.

Otherwise, you won't be able to paint.

There is a balance for sure. So, I think

what's going on in in especially in

dating apps in the way that we are

meeting, it's not just apps. It's the

way that we're meeting people is we

don't open ourselves up to soulmates. We

are judging people before we even meet

them. We are learning a lot before we

even meet them. And the more that we

learn, the more we shortcircuit our

brain's ability to fall for someone.

Second thing here is that aeros love

comes from the right hemisphere. Pragma

love comes from the left hemisphere.

Storage love, not quite sure, but

probably more left than right. And so

when we're approaching these dating

situations, it feels like a job

interview. We're trying to find the

right partner, but the right partner

partner on paper. No one ever said that

a soulmate is perfect for you on paper.

Or maybe they did. I don't know. They

tend to be perfect for you as a person.

So, I think this is one of the biggest

problems with finding soulmates is we're

not in a neuroscience situation that is

conducive to creating the chemical soup

that makes us feel like we found our

soulmate. Okay, that's number one.

Couple of other things to keep in mind.

Since this is governed by our dopamine

circuitry, the more messed up your

dopamine circuitry is, the harder it is

to fall in love. So as we use video

games, pornography, social media,

substances, it becomes harder to fall in

love from this aeros perspective, right?

So if we have like our dopamine stores

are exhausted, our dopamine system is

all messed up, you just can't feel it in

the same way. Now people may say, but

like you know, drugs and love go so well

together. Dr. K. Agreed. But this is

where I think it's useful to talk about

manic love. So manic love is an insecure

love and a very emotional love, an

emotionally unstable love. So often

times I think the other thing that

happens is that we mistake people for

our soulmates. And the reason we mistake

them for our soulmates is because we

have an emotional deficit that this

person is filling and that feels so

good. We think they are our soulmate. So

if I have insecure attachment and

someone treats me well, I may think that

this person is my soul soulmate. you

know, when I'm using substances, my

emotions are all over the place. They're

more activated. They're more

deactivated. Maybe I'm hung over. And

so, I think that like the the chemistry

is altered. And when the chemistry is

altered, a feeling of something like

love can arise from it. But then the

problem is that this relationship, if

the feeling of aeros arises because both

of y'all are high, what happens to the

feeling of aeros when both of y'all are

sober? So, I think that there's a lot of

needs being met that can be mistaken for

someone being my soulmate. Now, over

time, let's say that you guys both get

sober together or you figure out some

system, you all become really good

friends, you actually do start dating,

like good things can come out of that.

Maybe the person is your soulmate. My

point is that, you know, you have to be

careful about is this person meeting my

needs for the first time. So I also

recently saw a study that showed that

men are more devastated by breakups than

women are psychologically objectively.

And the reason for that is because for a

man they are not just losing a lover

they are losing for most men their

primary they're also losing their best

friend. So the likelihood that you're in

a heteronormative relationship the

likelihood that your female partner is

the primary source of emotional support

in your life is very high. whereas women

tend to have other sources of emotional

support on average. So it's kind of like

you're losing everything at once. So

when you're when you're hungry for

something, it can appear like something

is your soulmate. But I would say this

is the more manic love. Okay. So this is

a quick neuroscience jaunt into

soulmate. So I think that if we take a

biological approach in summary, there is

a set of things that create the

subjective experience of meeting your

soulmate. And if we look at the stories

of meeting your s soulmate, I think

these are consistent. So a key thing

about meeting your soulmate is that you

don't know a whole lot about them first.

Usually you run into them somewhere. You

don't know much about them and then you

get to know them and you feel this

powerful connection. And the connection

is not because they have a certain

profession or they have a certain, you

know, their genitals are configured a

particular way. There's something about

them that you feel connected to. And the

more you learn about them, the more the

connection intensifies. Often times,

soul mates don't share interests with

you. Like this is also something that I

consistently see in my practice.

Definitely true of my my wife and I were

talking the other day. Our marriage

would so be so much easier if we liked

one thing that was the same. We don't we

don't share a single interest generally.

It's like I'm into these three things.

She's into these three things. They

don't overlap like at all. So, dating

apps are really leaning into this like

pragmatic accountability. And when I

talk to people about, you know, meeting

their soulmate, like this is usually

I'll share with y'all like a a story

from a patient of mine. So, patient of

mine went to a conference and as part of

their networking job, they met someone

and there was something of a spark. And

so, the my my patient was manning a

booth. And so, they met this person at

like some mixer. Next day the person

stopped by, said hello. They chatted for

a little bit like you know, oh I'm

wrapping up for the day. You want to

grab a drink? Sure. Is this networking?

Is it business? Is it a date? That's

what's fun about conferences. So then

they exchanged contact info, you know,

oh, my company will be in touch with

your company. Maybe we can do a deal

together. Fantastic. Then the fun

started. Hey, it was great meeting you

last month at this conference. There's,

are you going to the expo in Vegas next

month? Cool. I'll see you there. And so

for one year, two different people,

completely different set of interests.

They would meet just like neither of

them like visits each other cuz they're

it's not clear that they're dating even,

but they're like chasing each other

around the country at conferences. And

then I'm I'm sure they started having

sex at some point. I'm not exactly sure,

but I'm, you know, I think that's what

happened. But they like basically had

this relationship that was like, you

know, I'm going to see you for four days

once every other month and if you're

going to that because it's crazy. It's

like we're not dating, right? Like it's

stupid to be dating now, but I can't

stay away from you. And both of them are

like and this is what happens with

soulmate connections and they don't know

each other well. They it's not even

clear that they're a good match for each

other or anything like that. They're

just so there's a connection. And the

cool thing is if we look at the

neuroscience like we can talk about this

connection. Now the second thing that

we're going to talk about so what what

do you replace it with? So you start

with aeros love and then maybe some

pragma comes in maybe some storage comes

in maybe some a gape comes in I'm sorry

if I'm butchering those pronunciations

and as those three things start to come

in we move to another model of passion

the self-expansion model. So this is

another thing about soulmates. Describe

passion as arising from individuals

expanding their sense of self through

their romantic partner or

self-expansion. So what does this mean?

So human beings like to level up. So I

grow in this way. I'm going to I'm a

medical student. I'm a college student.

Then I'm a medical student. Now I'm a

doctor. Now I'm a psychiatrist. Right?

So we like to level up. And at some

point what some human beings start to do

is they start leveling up through

someone else. I am leveling up. Now we

are a wei. Now my partner's

accomplishments become my sources of

pride. Now we're celebrating, right? So

when I when I graduated from medical

school, I was broke and my wife was not

and then she took us on a trip to

celebrate and then so that was like her

accomplishment too, you know? So like

like we start to grow like we become a

wei. Now it's our life together now.

Like so the way that I was leveling up

now I have kids. Now we want our kids to

do well. Now we have a house. Now we're

going on vacation. You know, now she

gets to trot me around when she wants

to. So like this is this is the

self-expansion model. So this is where

like when you meet your soulmate, it's

so I'm leveling up over here. My

soulmate is leveling up over here. And

at some point we we join and then we

start leveling up together. Now it is

our life. Now this person becomes a part

of me. They've always felt like they're

a part of me, but we're starting to

build a life together. Does that make

sense? So soulmates will they were meant

to be together and then now like the

meantness of being together also like

ripples out into your life. Now y'all

build a life together and that's what we

it was not it was not just that initial

spark. We really were meant to be. So I

think we transition from this rate of

intimacy model to a self-expansion

model. So this could explain how we find

our soulmates in the real world.