the advantages of being a dude are only

held by a certain amount of dudes,

right? And if you're not one of those

dudes, like then what? So, the deck is

stacked against you. Men are judged

based on their appearance. It used to be

that obesity didn't really matter at

your workplace. Now, it matters a lot.

Now, we have these billionaires who are

all ripped and injecting peptides.

Billionaires are no longer fat slobs who

eat like whatever all day. They're

people who have nutritionists and

personal trainers and stuff like this.

So, I think this kind of represents how

people feel about it.

>> But your vanity, self-obsession, and

insecurity certainly will.

>> This is really what women are doing.

They're clowning looks maxers, turning

off their phone, covering their face

with makeup, and then swiping left on

95% of dating profiles while calling you

vain, calling you insecure. Women were

the original looks maxers. What's more

insecure than covering your face with a

bunch of toxic chemicals every day and

telling other people looks don't matter?

Are we living in reality? Do we actually

lack this much self-awareness? I don't

know. This is this is crazy work.

>> So like I think this is the sentiment

that it's a really interesting sentiment

because what we I think a big part of

looks maxing is there is like

equilibrium between men and women around

appearance that's growing. But I think

what what's happening is that people

feel out of control. And so if I want

you all to think about this for a

second, okay? So if my job is being

stolen by AI and there's inflation,

there's uncertainty. I was planning I'm

I'm in my first year of prochemical

engineering, but I don't know what's

going on. There's war in Iran. People

are moving off of fossil fuels. You

know, electric cars are growing. I don't

know if the industry that I'm in, I'm a

programmer, but now AI is taking my job,

right? So, like the world is

fundamentally out of control. And I

think a lot of things that people we

don't realize is, you know, you can make

arguments for the patriarchy. Fair

enough. But I think what's really scary

is the patriarchy in some ways helps

men. And this is not my area of

expertise either. So, like this is just

what I've observed as a clinician,

right? So, there's some advantages to

being a dude, but like a lot of like the

advantages of being a dude are only held

by a certain amount of dudes, right? And

if you're not one of those dudes, like

then what? Right? So, the deck is

stacked against you. There's no way to

get people to fall in love with you,

right? Which I think is true, but we're

going to try to educate y'all with the

guide to love, sex, and relationships.

That's why we built that thing because

we want to teach y'all what actually

works. But then, like, what do you do,

right? How can you exercise control?

There's only one domain that you have

control over which is yourself. And so

the more out of control we feel, this is

something that we learned from a paper

from 1979 about anorexia is there's a

relationship between the more out of

control you feel in the outside world,

the more brutal you will be with

yourself, right? And there's this weird

perverse angle to this which like I want

to go back to this idea of is like I

don't know if this makes sense. There's

a certain like if you're a dude, there's

a certain like nobility to going out

with a bang. I don't need to be a

candle. I'mma be a [ __ ] firework. And

if the price that I pay is the sacrifice

of my own death, this is something that

men, we have been, we are raised in a

culture where sacrificing ourselves is

to be lauded. Band of brothers, you pay

the price, but you ain't weak, right?

Like, does that kind of make like I

don't know if women in the audience are

going to get that. If you're a dude,

hopefully that makes sense. I don't know

how else to say say it. Like the size of

our sacrifice increases the moral value

of what we do. I'm going to go hard. I'm

going to go extreme. I'm going to

research. And the more effort that we

put in, the more we sacrifice, the more

more more more. We're getting over this

insecurity. And there is evidence, for

example, that if I am better looking,

then my financial outcomes are better,

my dating outcomes are better, my

relationship outcomes are better.

There's some evidence of that. When

people learn this stuff, they're blown

away by how little appearance matters. I

want you all to understand this because

it's kind of confusing. You can look at

a study and you can say people who are

more physically attractive make more

money than people who are less

physically attractive. That can be true,

but that's not the right question to

ask. The right question is which are the

variables that contribute the most to

financial success? And how does

appearance rank against other things

like showing up every day like EQ,

right? So for example, what I observed

when I was working a lot in banking and

private equity and stuff, all these

startups out of Harvard and MIT is like

e a balance of EQ and IQ is what it

takes to get to the top. EQ, IQ,

perseverance, work ethic, high amount of

conscientiousness, a fair amount of

anxiety, by the way, because if you're

not worried about stuff, you're just

going to kind of chill, right? Right?

So, when you have very very very low

neuroticism, it's hard to get your ass

up in the morning. People who are super

chill are not super successful. It's not

harder. There's just a different way to

do it. Right? So, I think the problem

with a lot of this research on okay,

appearance does all of these things is

that it it doesn't include the rest of

the variables in the equation. So, as a

simple example, we showed this this cool

paper, you know, several like maybe

about a year ago about the drive for

muscularity. And the drive for

muscularity is inversely correlated with

length of a relationship. So what this

basically means is that the more

muscular more swole length of

relationship. That's what it looks like.

I'm sure it's not actually like that.

I'm sure it's it's probably more like

this actually. So a certain amount of

drive for muscularity probably improves

your relationship. And then after that

and then if you average this out, right?

So the overall trend of this line is

still going to be like this. So it's

still going to be an inverse

relationship, but I don't think it's a

straight line down. It's a random aside.

So a big part of it is control. Next

thing, so let's talk about

objectification. So this is the other

big thing that's happening right now. So

objectification theory posits that girls

and women are typically a culture to

internalize an observer's perspective as

a primary view of their physical selves.

Okay? What this means is that the way

that people see me is the way that I see

myself. This perspective on self can

lead to habitual body monitoring. Sound

familiar? Which in turn can increase

women's opportunities for shame and

anxiety, reduce opportunities for peak

motivational states and diminish

awareness of internal bodily states.

Okay, I want y'all to remember these

things. They will become relevant later.

So, what is self-objectification mean?

Okay, so it's basically I have an

opinion of who I am and when somebody

else sees me, this determines their

opinion of me. Let's say they think I'm

attractive and then this becomes this.

Does that make sense? So they see me,

they form an opinion. That opinion is

this opinion. So normally what we

consider healthy is that I have an

opinion of myself which is let's say

this and then someone else sees me and

they have an opinion of me and these two

things can be different. And then I can

even understand that they think of me in

this way. But I'm able to hold a

simultaneous opinion that is different.

And I'm not trying to be alpha beta

about this. I'm just using those as

representations. Okay. And this is the

interesting thing about objectification

theory is like this came out of like

feminist psychological research. This

idea what people started noticing in the

70s and ' 80s is like okay we're like we

have magazines, right? We have like lots

of you know media about women and women

were portrayed a certain way and then

people were objectifying women and then

women started objectifying themselves

and they started determining their

internal emotional state. internal

emotions and peak motivation started

being influenced by this. Okay, so let's

take a closer look at the the paper and

we'll see if we can map on. Right. The

common thread running through all forms

of sexual objectification is the

experience of being treated as a body or

collection of body farts valued

predominantly for its use to or

consumption by others. Did you guys see

this? Job applications at JP Morgan are

up 686,000%

this morning. Okay, so for those of you

that don't know, there was an alleged

scandal, we don't know what's true or

not, that there was a junior member at

JP Morgan, a junior banker who was um

basically repeatedly sexually assaulted

by a woman who made all kinds of

suggestive sexual remarks and uh there

was a allegation, right? And this is

like I I think this is a kind of it's

funny. I was on my friends and we were

actually laughing about it on Discord

and I was like this is not funny, right?

But we're we're sort of like it's it's

so weird how much we've been programmed

where it's like the things that this

senior female banker did to this junior

banker is something that men would love

to happen to them. They think that until

they're actually in that situation. It's

just a psych. It's not doesn't feel good

to be sexually predated. Even though men

will joke about it, they don't

understand. They have no frame of

reference. Right? Thankfully, most of us

don't have a frame of reference. We've

never been sexually assaulted. But the

idea of being forced to do all kinds of

things to your relatively attractive

female boss is something that men will

joke about like applications are up

700,000%. Right? So this is this is

what's so interesting I think and this

is what's so hard and fascinating to me

is that we live in a culture and this is

not just true of men, right? Where like

this is something that many men I've

worked with long for, right? So, this

paper is talking about how sexual

objectification leads to

self-objectification. But there are so

many men I've worked with who would want

nothing more than to be treated like a

piece of meat that is desired by women.

This is something I strive for. And it's

not just men, right? There's lots of

women who feel this way, too. I want to

be the object of someone's lust. I don't

care about them loving me as a person. I

want to be that which is hungered and

thirsted for. Now, the question is, why

on earth do they feel that way? And this

is where I'm going to go off the rails

again. So, when we grow up, we develop

templates of human interaction. And one

of the most common templates that a lot

of dudes develop is when they hit

puberty and they get really horny, there

is the object of their lust. And we can

say that this is not good and it's

dehumanizing and all this kind of stuff,

which is true. We'll get to this in more

detail when we get further into the

self-objectification. But then in this

template, there's the horny incel and

then there's the sexually available

person who gets their pick, right? I'm

looking up at this thing. So the

template that I have is that there's the

high sexual marketplace value and the

low sexual marketplace value. And so

what happens with human beings is when

they develop a template, they don't try

to scrap the template. They're actually

very resistant to scrap the template.

What they try to do is elevate

themselves to the high position. So this

is why people kids who are abused at

home become bullies because the template

that they learn is there's a strong

person, there's a weak person. The

strong person hits, the weak person

cries like a little [ __ ] and then when

I go to school, which one do I want to

be? They reclaim the power that they

lose in this relationship by inflicting

that pain on another person. This is how

the cycle of trauma perpetuates. And

when you have a lot of horny kids who

aren't able to get dates and aren't able

to get laid, they strive to be they

objectify this person, right? And then

they want to be objectified. I want

women to surround me and want this body.

Not necessarily who I am, but want this

body. And then there's really

fascinating science behind this. Okay.

Diminish awareness of internal bodily

states. This is another important

element. Okay. We'll get to that in a

second. So objectification theory posits

that the cultural millu of

objectification functions to socialize

girls and women now men at some level

treat themselves as objects to be looked

at and evaluated. Right? So does this

apply to looks maxers? Do looks maxers

treat themselves as objects to be looked

at and evaluated? Women now looks maxers

often adopt an observer's perspective on

their physical selves. And then there's

a certain sequence to this that we can

get into if you all want. begins with

compliance to minimally sufficient

external pressures. So what does this

mean? This means that the first stage so

stage number one diminished internal

signal. This is going to become

important too. Okay. So this starts with

external signals compliance with

external pressures. So everyone wants me

to be beautiful, right? So people want

me to be beautiful and then I'm going to

comply with that. I'm going to become

beautiful. Then this leads to

internalization and identification. So,

this isn't like really rocket science,

but basically people say I should look a

certain way. I start looking that

certain way and then I start to believe

that I'm that way. Okay? And then what

that ends up with is claiming ownership

of socialized values and attitudes. So,

we live in a world of dating apps where

like this is another huge selection

pressure. Why is this changing for men?

Part of the reason it's changing for men

is because men are objectified on a

level now, right? That like women were

objectified in in the 70s and 80s. Men

are judged based on their appearance. It

used to be that obesity didn't really

matter at your workplace. Now it matters

a lot. Now we have these billionaires

who were all ripped and injecting

peptides, right? Billionaires are no

longer fat slobs who eat like whatever

all day. They're people who have

nutritionists and personal trainers or

and have testosterone replacement

therapy and stuff like this. Right? So

the the male uber mench is a

self-actualized individual who is sexy,

attractive, the object of everybody's

lust and rich and in control of their

lives and then it gets incorporated into

their true sense of self. Okay, this is

where we end up. So now this goes back

to this thing where like now the way

that I think about myself is the way

that other people treat me. So, I think

this is just a cool capture this idea of

the phrase of the looking glass self.

So, this is a self that is determined by

what I see in the mirror. Okay. Pointing

out, however, that only one in 40,000

women actually meet the requirements of

a model's shape and size argues that the

fem the ideal female body myth is

unrealistic and vers virtually

impossible to attain. So, this is where

looks maxing comes in, right? So, back

in the 70s and 80s, the ideal image of a

woman was not attainable. And now we see

why some of this hard maxing stuff like

bone smashing and mewing and stuff like

that, right? Leg lengthening surgery,

cosmetic surgery has accelerated. We

have face contouring, we have makeup, we

have all these things that are

attainable. So back in the day, what

happened is the psychological process

for a woman who felt objectified was

like, okay, we got to do that internal

work because the external work isn't

possible. There's nothing that you can

do to become a supermodel. But in a

world of cosmetic surgery, steroid use,

testosterone

like h boine growth hormone injections,

leg lengthening surgery, we no longer

have to do the psychological work

because oh, there is a system. There's

almost a protocol with steps that you

can do, right? There are all of these

things that you can do to attain this

what used to be unattainable standard,

right? We can [ __ ] inject IGF

peptides, insulin derived growth or

insulin like growth factor, not derived,

insulin like IGF which boosts muscle

growth. Then there's a couple of other

things. So shame is a big emotion here,

right? A desire to hide to escape

painful gaze above others or to

disappear alongside feelings of

worthlessness or powerlessness. Right?

So I want to I'm going to ask you all a

question. What do you think is the

emotion of the person who is

experiencing this?

Uh

what

>> right? So we see like anger but like

right when someone looks like this and

then this happens right and then they

look like this like what do you think

when you have a looks maxing influencer

we don't know maybe he just was

responding to the fact that he was

assaulted and someone put hands on him.

So here's what I would really like to

happen. I want you all to finish

listening to this lecture and then I

want you all to go back and look at

clips of these people and look at how

important it is for them to appear a

certain way. Make sense? So it's there's

shame. Okay, there's a couple of other

elements. Okay, so this is another thing

that we find from self-objectification

theory is that when you objectify

yourself in this way, it is very

motivating. Okay, how is it motivating?

because now you're like working really

hard. So now we get to the BPD element.

Okay, so let's talk about BPD for a

second. So borderline personality

disorder is a personality disorder that

is characterized by a chronic sense of

emptiness and has an internal sense of

self that is unstable. Okay, so the two

things are chronic emptiness and a sense

of self that is unstable. I don't know

who I am. And what happens in BPD? Uh we

have a our second most successful video

on the channel on the YouTube channel is

me explaining BPD. I love working with

patients with BPD. A lot of people will

avoid them because supposed to be

difficult, but I have a lot of

compassion. They're just amazing

individuals who are just struggling

because they don't know who they are. So

then what happens with BPD is the way I

feel about myself is determined by the

way that people treat me. So being in a

relationship with someone with BPD is

very difficult because if I get angry at

you and you've got BPD, my anger towards

you is not me being angry. That becomes

your sense of selfworth. So if someone

is angry at me, me that means I am bad.

So basically the problem in BPD is this

step right here. This happens a lot

where if someone thinks about me in a

certain way then that's the way that I

feel about myself. Okay? So then people

with BPD have a challenge because the

way they feel about themselves is

determined by the way that people treat

them. So then what happens is people

with BPD become very manipulative

subconsciously for the most part. But

they do all kinds of things to

manipulate other people's reaction to

them. Don't ever get mad at me. Often

times the women that I work with will

almost like this is not really the right

word but it's the best word. They will

weaponize sex. they will discover. So,

people with a history of BPD have high

coorbidities of substance use, which

we'll get to in a second. And they also

tend to have a history of intense and

unstable relationships, engage in a lot

of high high-risisk sexual behavior.

Okay? And one of the reasons that they

engage in high-risisk sexual behavior is

because when a woman has BPD and she

engages in a sexual activity, it changes

the way that people react to her. It

changes the way that she's treated,

right? So when some when I have sex with

someone, it increases the likelihood

that they will like treat me well and

they will hold me and I'll feel good and

we'll feel good together and it'll be

amazing and it'll be like in the movies.

So they become dependent on other

people's evaluation to to determine

their own selfworth, right? And I think

what we see in a lot of looks maxers is

a piece of that. This is when we take

self-objectification and we kind of

elevate it a little bit more. We sort of

end up in this BPD kind of character

structure. I'm not saying looks maxers

all have BPD. I have no idea. There's a

whole set of diagnostic criteria. What

I'm saying is that there is a core

element of BPD that I think predisposes

people to look maxing. Because when I

don't feel good about who I am, when I

don't feel confident in who I am, when I

don't know who I am, and I start to

change all of my appearance because I

feel out of control and stuff like that,

and then then the most dangerous thing

for a looks maxer is for the world to

respond the way that they want because

now I know how to evoke this response.

Now I know how to get respect. Now I

know how to feel desired. Now I know how

to be the person that people lust after

instead of the one who is doing the

lusting and it feels amazing, right? So

the more dependent you are on that kind

of feedback from other people, the more

addictive this is going to be. And then

something cool happens for these people

because if we look at the stuff that

looks maxers do, there's really cool

research on something called behavioral

activation and depression. So when you

have someone who's suffering from a

major depressive episode, they don't

feel like doing anything. But the more

that you do, the better you start to

feel. See, a lot of people think you

cure the depression or treat the

depression, then you feel like doing

stuff and then you do more stuff. It's

actually the other way around. You force

yourself to do things and when you force

yourself to do things, your mood

actually elevates. You start to feel

more in control of your life, which by

the way is very attractive by the way.

So, number one thing, not number one

thing, but one of the top three things,

this is in the guide, too, that people

are attracted to, men and women, is a

sense of direction in someone's life,

being in control of your life. You don't

want to be in a relationship with

someone whose life is directionless in a

dumpster fire. You want to be in a

relationship with someone who knows

where they're going, right? It doesn't

have to be like a career. It can even be

like you want to be a stay-at-home mom,

stay at home dad, you're devoted to, you

know, being a homesteader. Like, that

works, too. This is the kind of stuff we

cover in the guide. But going back to

motivation, like it's so cool because if

you're someone who's like life is

falling apart and you don't know what

job you have and you don't know what's

happening to your degree and you you

don't know if you can find a job, but

you can start taking control and you

start doing stuff, right? You start

liking the way that you look in the

mirror. You start hitting the gym. Your

cortisol levels are better. These looks

maxers will will uh say, "Hey, you got

to get eight hours of sleep every night.

You got to reduce your cortisol levels.

Reduce your inflammatory burden. Start

eating healthy." and you get motivated

to do all of these good things. And when

you start doing these things, you start

to feel really motivated, too. This is

the self-help part of it. This can feel

really good. It can be really good and

be really healthy. And so that stuff I

think is fine, but then we also have the

sense of diminished internal signals,

right? And then we get to stories like

this one, which is really sad. I just

got home. That was brutal. All the

substances are just to cope. Trying to

feel neurotypical while being in public,

right? But obviously this is that isn't

a real solution. This is the sentence

that really like I I felt for this guy

trying to feel neurotypical in public,

right? What does that mean to y'all?

Like we don't know what it means to him

exactly, right? We don't we haven't

talked to him or anything like that. But

like this is the thing. It's like this

is an attempt to feel normal, right? And

this is the scary thing is like people

with BPD have a higher risk of of

substance use. And this is exactly why

because they don't like the way they

feel on the inside. The way that they

feel on the inside is determined by the

way that people treat them. When we're

talking about self-objectification

theory, what we know about these people

is that they have diminished internal

signals. So the reason that this is the

case is because this is blocked. Their

ability to determine the way they feel

about themselves is actually blocked.

And this internal feeling, being blind

to your internal state, is also a risk

factor for addiction. It's one of the

fundamental risk factors for addiction

is when you don't know who you are on

the inside. So, you can't self-regulate

internally naturally or you haven't

learned how to do it. There's a lot of

negative emotions, shame, anxiety,

judgment. You feel bad about yourself.

And so, there are two things that people

will do. They'll either change their

appearance to change the way that people

treat them or they will use drugs. But

the fundamental thing, this is what's

really kind of sad and I think this is

the basic work that I try to do with

people when I'm working with someone who

has this kind of structure is, you know,

if you're with body dysmorphia or

anorexia or whatever, right? Like it's

all about connecting with who you are

within. Because once your sense of

identity, once your sense of selfrespect

is independent of the way that people

treat you, then you're golden. You can

receive the judgment of others

acknowledging its real world impact

which is like okay if I like don't look

good then my chances of promotion are

lower that is factually true but there

are also many other things that I can do

to increase my likelihood of promotion

outside of my appearance if someone

doesn't like the way that I look that is

okay at the end of the day what is my

interaction with this person for the

rest of my life it's minimal people can

think I'm ugly and it's like not that

big of a deal I can go on and live my

life I can eat food that I enjoy. I can

lay out in the sun. I can go swimming in

the ocean. I can read a good book. I can

play a good video game. I can still

enjoy working out and feeling healthy,

right? Like all of those things are

fine. I can wear SPF skincare to try to

optimize my appearance some. Not against

the optimization of your appearance.

It's a fact that human beings like to

look good. Human beings like to be

desired. Nothing wrong with that. It's

just that when we're not careful about

these psychological substrates, that's

when we get into trouble. So there's

absolutely an element of of muscle

dysmorphia, body dysmorphia in looks

maxing. I think a lot of this stuff that

is uh you know about like facial

structure and stuff like that there is

like there is science that shows that a

certain facial structure is attractive

but there's also like just because

that's true doesn't mean that some

people don't overindex for the

importance of that. And that's what I

think is going on. So I think there's an

element of body dysmorphia. But the the

tricky thing about looks maxing is that

once again what we're kind of dealing

with is not body dysmorphia, not

borderline personality disorder, maybe

some amount of self-objectification

theory, some amount of pressure, like

almost like an eating disorder kind of

makeup of like feeling out of control

and wanting to be control. I think this

is what's kind of difficult and for me

personally like exciting is that we're

living in a world where like these

labels don't you can't apply those to

looks maxers. At least I don't think you

can. And it's not even everyone in it is

pathologic, right? This is where

self-help meets self harm. And what is

the pathology? It is a combination of

all of these things. And so what what

you know when I work with people like

this, it's not like I've worked

specifically with looks maxer

influencers by the way, which is an

important disclaimer, or looks maxers in

general. I've worked with lots of people

at body dysmorphia, lots of people who

are incelss, you know, are very

hyperconerned about their recessed chin

and all kinds of stuff. But I think

that's what's like so tricky about this.

This is not like one thing. This is like

a new thing. It's these fundamental

aspects of psychology that we learn from

like feminist psychology studies in the

70s and 80s that are now happening to

men. We are doing to men what we did to

women 40, 50 years ago, arguably longer.

That's when there was an awareness of

it. This idea of acceptance if you

weren't a supermodel, that you don't

have to have kids, that you don't have

to have a job, that you as a woman have

the right of self-determination and your

value as a woman is not determined by

how you look or what you do or whatever,

right? that self-determination is a

thing. And now this level of judgment we

are seeing because of the rise of social

media the the you know people are kind

of getting hammered by all of these

images and then this sense of being out

of control it's turning into this soup

that results in looks maxing

Everything.