How can people work out the meaning that

they've got in their life? What are the

big questions that they should ask?

>> Yeah. So, um there are three big Y

questions that constitute meaning. And

this actually comes from the work of

Michael Steger, who's a a really good um

social psychologist at uh

uh

in Colorado. And he uh he has the three

parts, the three elements of meaning,

which are called coherence, purpose, and

significance. And they're three Y

questions. Number one is what you have

to have an answer to the question, you

know, why are things happening the way

they are in my life? You know, things

are happening all around me all the

time. Why?

Part of meaning is having an answer to

that. Maybe that's a maybe that's your

religious answer.

Like because of the mind of God. Maybe

that's your scientific answer, because

these are the laws of the universe.

Maybe you're a conspiracy theorist and

say because powerful people are doing

these things. Conspiracy theories are

nothing more than crying out for an

answer to the coherence question, which

is a meaning problem. You know, when so

so if you have a a relative who's going

down the rabbit hole on the craziest

conspiracy theories, don't you don't

throw data in their face and say you

[ __ ] That's the wrong way to approach

it. They're they're having a meaning

crisis. They're having a happiness

crisis is the reason they're doing this

in the first place. So, coherence,

number one. You know, why are things

happening the way they do? Second, why

am I doing what I'm doing? That's

purpose. Purpose and meaning are not the

same. Purpose is

goals and direction, so you can make

progress. So, why am I doing what I'm

doing? If the answer is I don't know,

then you can't make progress, cuz it

means you're just going in circles.

You're just a a a carnival cruise ship

just kind of randomly going around and

round and round and round. It's the

reason I find cruises unbelievably

depressing. They don't go someplace,

right? I'm a teleological individual

like you. I want a goal, right?

And that's purpose. And and so in the in

the

in the research, you know, Sonja

Lyubomirsky's stuff. Have you had her on

the show?

>> She's coming on next week or the week

after.

>> Super good.

>> Yeah.

>> She's awesome. And she's at UC

Riverside. And she does this work on

goals and you'll give students these

just random goals. Like, you're getting

a B- in minus in physics, you know,

let's get a B+ this semester. Just that

goal, they get happier, they get more

directed, life seems better because they

have more meaning in their life. That's

what it comes down to. Even arbitrary

goals work. Better to have meaningful

goals.

And last but not least is significance,

and that's

my life matters. You know, my life

matters to someone, you know, to my dog,

to my wife, to to God, to my kids. And

so that's the love question, and all

these things are completely missing in

modern culture for so many people. You

know, why do things happen the way that

they do? It's just random. I don't know.

Why am I doing what I'm doing? I have no

idea. I get up and I scroll. I get up

and I surf. I get up and I go on a Zoom

meeting for a company I don't really

care about.

And and and you know,

what is the significance in my life? Why

does my life matter? I don't think it

does.

And that's those are the three things to

actually keep in mind.

>> What happens psychologically when life

feels random?

>> When life feels random, then it feels

like anything could happen at any time,

and there is no control. There are no

levers that you can actually pull.

So you you're not an active player in

your own life when there is no

coherence. When you don't see a pattern,

it's a big problem. You know, when you

when you the you remember when you

learned to drive? How old do you have to

be in in the UK?

>> 17.

>> Okay.

And and when you first, you know, you

got a lot of confidence, but when you're

looking at the traffic and you're like

and it's like it's like chaos.

>> Wildly intimidating.

>> It's wildly

>> I was driving a Mini, which is a very

British way to do it, but it was [ __ ]

terrifying. You're like half the height

of everybody else.

>> Yeah.

And you know, any any system that you're

in that doesn't seem to make sense,

that's that that that it tends to feel

really really meaningless because you

don't know what you can actually do to

have some sense of agency. There's no

sense of agency when there is no

coherence. It's what it comes down to.

So, for example, if you believe that

things happen the way they do because

that's what God wills, then you're going

to try to work that lever. You're going

to pray, for example. You're going to

have a relationship with God. If you

believe it's because of the laws of

science, you're going to learn more

about science, and you're going to

actually enter into that particular

dimension. So, for example, I'm a

behavioral scientist. I really believe

in science. I really believe that it's

just like it gives you incredible

amounts of power.

My job is to explain the science and

explain how people can interact with the

science. It's a pure coherence play is

what it comes down to. And if it's all

about conspiracy theories, then I'm

going to get online and, you know, share

them with my friends.

So, that that's why coherence really

matters so that you can have agency over

your life.

>> And why directionless people so

psychologically fragile?

>> They're fragile because they don't know

actually in which direction that they're

going, which means they can't make

progress. Now, remember, this whole idea

of happiness comes from making progress

toward a goal. And there's tons of

really interesting examples of this. The

weight loss literature is super

interesting in this. So,

diets are all effective, and they're all

catastrophic failures is what it comes

down to. Effective in so far as that

almost any diet will make you lose

weight, but they have between an 80 and

95% failure rate after a year, meaning

you gain all the weight back and then

some.

It's a weird industry. It's like a $40

billion industry in the United States

that fails, you

>> It's an ouroboros of nutritional advice.

>> It's craziness. You know, nine out of 10

times

they fail. Um now, now, why why are they

successful? Because

in in economically, it's because

temporarily they make you make progress,

but they ultimately fail because once

you get to your goal, your goal weight,

the reward is never getting to eat what

you would like ever again for the rest

of your life. Congratulations.

That and then you get the arrival

fallacy is what it comes down to. So,

what you want in life is something where

you can just make constant progress. I

want to be a like I want to be a better

dad. I want to be a better person. I

want to create more value with my work.

And that's there's no end to that. I

can't be like, "Hey, well, I got to the

best dad possibly be, so that's all

good." No, I'm I'm I can always work to

be a better husband. I can always work

to be a better friend. I can always work

to be a better citizen. I can always

work to love my country more. I can

always work to actually do something

more important in my work and reach more

people with a with a the the moral

objectives that I have.

And that's what I need. I need goals I

can't meet.

>> [snorts]

>> I don't

I think that the confusing thing is it

if significance is about being valuable

to others and not famous,

why is it the case that modern people

confuse the two?

>> Part of the reason is because um

what strivers they get into there's

actually a pathology that that that is

in the middle of this. Um so, what you

find is that well, certain people

Let me back up a little bit.

Um I work I'm sort of the striver

whisperer. In my work I specialize in

people who do incredible things, right?

And that's just because

it's fun, although it is, but because

that's the kind of books that I write.

You know, people who do amazing things

and still don't have perfect lives.

That's

kind of my area of research

as a matter of fact.

They have a common childhood.

And it kind of looks like this. You

know, super strivers who are never

satisfied and struggle,

they generally speaking um found that

they only got attention and affection

from their parents when they did

something. When they got good grades.

When they made pitcher on the baseball

team. When they made first chair in the

orchestra. When they Right? When they

you know, set up a lemonade stand and

made more money than anybody thought

possible. Whatever it was, right? And

and their parents often their parents

are immigrants or or came from poverty

and they'll reward their kids when they

do a thing thinking that they're

actually wiring in success and happiness

for their kids. What they're telling

their kids is that love is earned.

They're teaching their kids that love is

earned.

And they kids will learn that. And when

your brain is synaptically plastic, boy

will you overlearn that lesson. And then

you will go through life trying to earn

love

over and over and over and over again.

You'll look for If you're a man, you'll

look for women who make you earn their

love,

right? And and then you'll spend your

marriage trying to bring in more and

more and more and more money, for

example. Women will try to stay young

forever by trying to earn their

husband's love.

You'll find that they will surround

themselves with sycophants and yes-men

who are just like fake friends who make

you make these people earn their love

um with gifts and favors and fanciness.

And and you'll surround yourself with

people because you believe that love is

actually earned. Well, the truth is

that's wrong.

Real love isn't earned. It's a free

gift, freely given. It's a grace.

Anybody who makes you earn their love

doesn't love you. That's what it comes

down to. But they don't learn that

because that's actually what they've

what they've what they've and they've

um

uh evolved over the course of their

lives. And they're they're they're

they're they become success addicts,

winning addicts, looking for the

specialness. And and in the modern

economy, when you can metastasize that

from one to your family, to your

community, to your church, to your city,

to

the whole world [snorts]

on the internet, then you're going to be

searching for the adoration of strangers

cuz it's the best possible dopamine hit

that you can get. And life is going to

feel gray if you don't get it.

So, this is a pathology that actually

people have. And the more talented you

are, the more danger you're in.

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