Nobody even knows there's over 20 kinds

of orgasms that you can have. There's

That's a one-and-done. But then, there's

That's the queen of orgasms. And to

achieve that, there are very specific

techniques that work, and it's not what

you see on porn.

Dr. Susan Bratton is a world-renowned

sex specialist and best-selling author

of over 30 books and programs.

And for over two decades, her expertise

has empowered millions to master

pleasure and techniques, bedroom

communication, and unlock their true

sexual potential.

Why did you focus on sex as a career?

Well, I was 12 years into our marriage.

We had a beautiful daughter, gorgeous

home, but I never had an orgasm from

intercourse.

And we thought there was something wrong

with me.

But this is not unique. So many of us

have had problems with sex.

And once we got some skills, it just

lit our sex life on fire. So here are 48

of my best sex techniques. Number one,

number two, you have to

Number three, it's something that I love

to teach men. And then there's these

toys that I want to show you.

What is that?

This is a device that no one's ever seen

before.

Wow.

Doesn't that feel so good?

Susan, this is the first time we've ever

done this. We reached out to some of our

audience to send us their questions.

Okay, let's unpack this. And let's start

with

This has always blown my mind a little

bit. 53% of you that listen to this show

regularly haven't yet subscribed to this

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before we start? If you like this show

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to make sure that this show is better

for you every single week. We'll listen

to your feedback. We'll find the guests

that you want me to speak to, and we'll

continue to do what we do. Thank you so

much.

Susan,

what do you do, and why do you do it?

Well,

I teach passionate love-making

techniques by publishing books and

programs and audios.

And uh I do it because my passion is

passion.

Uh I like to say that uh my brand of

sexual education is heart-connected,

conscious, passionate love-making.

Which is very different than

transactional sex or sex that looks like

pornography.

If If someone comes to you, and they

say,

"I'm struggling with my sex life in some

way, or I'm not at my sexual potential,

what can you do for me?" How would you

answer that question?

Well, I'd say, "Sex is such a vast

landscape, and people enter into it from

so many different directions, that

often, when someone is saying that their

sex life isn't as good as they want it

to be, I have to ask them, what's it

like?

What do they want? What's the vision

that they're holding for themselves?

And often,

I recently had a young woman come to me

and say, "Um

all my friends talk about sex being so

great, but I haven't experienced that,

and I wonder if I'm asexual,

because it's just not that good for me.

It just seems like it's so fast and

hurried, and and I I don't know. I just

I just don't I'm worried. Maybe

something's wrong with me." That's what

That's what women think a lot is they

think there's something wrong with them.

But remember, I I'm not a therapist, so

I don't sit in a room

with a client and unearth all of the

issues that they have.

What I do is I author passionate

love-making techniques. I teach you how

to have really good bedroom

communication, how to know what you want

and ask for it confidently,

have your partner love for you to ask

them for what you want, feel good about

it, not like they did anything wrong.

And then know a whole bunch of

pleasuring techniques, how their bodies

work, what what the possibilities are.

Because

if you're thinking about sexuality,

because sex has been so censored,

nobody even knows what's possible.

If I say to someone, you know, there's

over 20 kinds of orgasms that you can

have,

they'll be like, "What?" And especially

men, they don't even they think there's

one, maybe two.

Uh where women are like, "There's 20?"

They are at least aware that there's

more than one or two, that they could

have these different, you know, kinds of

orgasms. And so once you understand

the communication piece and you

understand the pleasure piece, then you

can understand what's possible. And then

you can begin to try things.

Okay, so you get an

email into your inbox and it's from a

woman.

Yeah.

If you had to bet what that question in

that email was, and all you know that is

that it's from

a lady called Suzanne, what would your

guess be?

My libido is gone

and

um

I feel really guilty. I feel really bad.

I'm not interested in sex. Or

I there's something wrong with me.

I'm unhappy. I'm unfulfilled. I don't

feel like what I'm doing is right.

That's most common with women.

And if the email came in from a guy

called David,

Mhm.

what would you think he's before you

click the email, what do you think he's

asking you?

Sexual biohacking, erectile dysfunction,

penis enlargement, male enhancement, all

of those kinds of things. Guys have a

lot of men ask me about,

"I think there's something wrong with my

penis."

So, that would be the number one thing

that would be most likely to be in my

inbox.

But, the second thing would be

something around either I have I have

some shame around part of my desire,

or I'm frustrated with my partner that

I'm not having the kind of sex that I

want, what do to fix it? So, fixing

fixing things. People are writing for

fixing things, whether whether it's men

or women. That's That's what they reach

out with are our problems.

Quality and quantity, or one more than

the other?

I would say quality generally, more so

than quantity. You can fix when you fix

quality.

Right? Quantity Quality comes before

quantity.

That's true.

Yeah.

You have a really atypical journey to

becoming a sex expert. It's not

something that you you'd studied when

you're younger in college or something.

It's not something that you were It's

not sort of a an off branch to some

psychology degree you were doing. You

became a sex expert at what age?

42 is when I went on my sexual expansion

journey, and started my company shortly

after that.

Why sex? Why have in your early 40s did

you decide to focus on sex when

previously your career had been about

many other things?

Mhm.

Did something happen?

Yeah, it did. Right? I was married to

Tim, my husband, Sir Tim. He's the

prince among men. I've been with him for

33 years now.

And we were 12 years into our marriage.

We were a very successful Silicon Valley

company. My husband invented Rhapsody,

the first like the the OG Spotify. So,

we were both in high tech, having IPOs,

doing incredibly well. We had a

beautiful daughter. We had a gorgeous

home overlooking the entire Silicon

Valley. It was just incredible. But, we

had become platonic. Not for my

husband's lack of trying to have sex

with me, but I just I don't know. I just

I had sex with with him for a dozen

years and I never had an orgasm from

intercourse.

I could have an orgasm from a vibrator,

but I couldn't have one from

intercourse.

And I'd had some sexual trauma as a

child as well, which

Honestly, the majority of people have

had sexual trauma, whether it's simple

repression or actual physical abuse of

some kind. So many of us have had

trouble and not just women, men too.

People across the spectrum have had

you know, things happen to them.

And

I avoided him for sex.

What did your sexual trauma teach you

about sex?

Well, it taught me

that I am

who I've always been inside myself and

that no one can take away who I am and

my power and my sovereignty.

I've learned that one can move through

and heal from trauma and that it takes

both

talk therapy and empathy from someone as

well as somatic release, physical body

release.

And that often our greatest wound can

become our greatest gift, which is what

that trauma did for me.

The trauma itself.

Mhm.

What did that

traumatic experience convince you that

sex was or wasn't?

I always liked sex and I refused to let

that trauma hurt my sex life, but the

problem was that I ended up doing

something called dissociating

during intimacy.

And so, if you

kind of leave the scene emotionally and

you're just there physically,

you really don't get that thing, that

heart connection. You don't find your

humanity in your lover. You can't really

touch source through your connection.

Can you explain that to me,

dissociation? Cuz I think

Yeah.

I've heard people tell me

privately that that's the issue that

they had in their sex life for many,

many years where that they were

basically disassociated from it. What is

that?

It's where you kind of uh you just check

out. You just you're go you go through

the motions physically, but you're not

emotionally there.

It's protection

against being hurt again.

So, once I learned that that's what I

was doing, my husband would help me, Tim

would help me come back to him, come

back to him, come back to him.

And then, we started going to sex

workshops. We went beyond therapy and we

started going to sex workshops.

And we learned how to have sex. And by

sex, I don't necessarily just mean

intercourse.

We We learned all kinds of things. We

went to tantra workshops. We went to

sex, love, and intimacy from the Human

Awareness Institute. We did ecstatic

loving. We did orgasmic meditation. We

did all kinds of things.

And it just

lit our sex life on fire once we got

some skills. We were the blind leading

the blind. Everybody's the blind leading

the blind. Everybody. We don't see any

good examples of heart-connected

passionate lovemaking. We don't see them

in film, in the movies.

We don't see them in pornography. All of

that is

male

patriarchal, religiously repressed

styles of sex, rather than

female-focused,

heart-connected,

blissful,

slow,

pleasurable sex, highly orgasmic sex.

So,

I think what what happened for us was we

had such good sex so easily once someone

told us what to do that we said, "Oh,

well, he's already you know,

sending MP3s all over the internet and

I'm already sending video all over the

internet with cable modems. Why don't we

bring all these courses online?" Because

very few people are going to go to a sex

workshop.

Number one, it costs money. Number two,

you have to be able to do it. Number

three, it's scary.

It's really scary to take off all your

clothes and go to a sex workshop and do

hands-on techniques in a room full of

sweaty people, you know? There's a lot

to it, right?

And so we said, "Why don't we put this

on the internet?" Cuz that's what we're

good at. Let's put programs on the

internet that people can

access from anywhere in the world and

learn how to make love together, learn

orgasm techniques and communication

skills and pleasuring, how the body

works in ways that will take them to

places they never even imagined were

possible.

Zooming in on that moment where you and

Tim are struggling in the bedroom. How

long had it been since you you'd had sex

or how often were you having sex at that

point?

Well, it petered out over time. So, when

we first met, we had great new

relationship energy. We we were having

sex, but it was it was the kind of sex

that I would call these days

grab a boob and stick it in.

Very intercourse focused.

A bit

I know, exactly. Like

And you know,

I love intercourse.

And I teach intercourse skills because

what you see modeled is really

Oh, man, it's like kindergarten what you

see out in the market, out in the world.

And so, how do you have this massively,

exquisitely, orgasmically, mutually

pleasurable

intercourse?

You just need to learn a couple things.

That's the great thing about sex. It's

like, have you ever heard that phrase, a

little hinge that swings a big door?

It's like It's like an example of

leverage, right? One little hinge and a

giant door and you're like,

"How does that little hinge swing that

giant door?"

That's what sex actually is. If somebody

tells you what to do, because I mean, my

operating system and your operating

system are like everybody's operating

systems, right? We Our human body works

the way the human body does. And so,

women who are walking around going,

"I'm broken and I can't have an orgasm

from intercourse." And And her husband's

like, "Well, I guess you can't, but

we're still going to have intercourse

anyway."

I say to them, "Yes, you can. You just

need to learn how. You just need to

cross the gasm chasm, close that orgasm

gap."

And so, if I can get more people to

understand that if something isn't good,

that they just haven't had it good yet.

That's

I think one of the biggest messages I

can give to your audience is,

just keep learning. Keep learning new

skills. But,

don't miss all the other things. I'll

give you an example of something in sex

that really chaps my lips. And that is

this idea that there's foreplay and sex.

That comes right out of religious

repression.

Because sex is for procreation only, so

the only thing matters is sex, and sex

is intercourse.

Heck, no. Sex is everything. Sex is a

hot make-out. Sex is rubbing our bodies

together. Sex is words of appreciation,

adoration, encouragement. It's

languorous kissing. It's stroking each

other. It's

oral pleasuring. It's intercourse. It's

playing with toys. It's sex in new

locations. It's

you know, filming yourselves and

watching it while you're holding each

other later and going, "Oh, you know

what the best moment for me was?" No,

tell me. The best moment for me was XYZ

and you're like, "Are you

That was your best moment?" Yeah, what

was your best moment? My best moment I

mean, those are the things that make sex

great, that make you want to have it

again.

In that moment when you and Tim hadn't

have been having sex, so you sex had

completely dried up.

I really avoided him as much as I

possibly could. I was giving him what I

now call mercy sex.

What is that mercy sex?

Well, it's like, well, he's going to be

a miserable man if I don't throw him a

bone once in a while.

And how often was once in a while?

Oh god, like

couple times a month at the worst.

Yeah.

Couple times a month at the worst, once

every other week or

Yeah, like every week or 10 days I'd be

like, all right, I got to do it again.

And how did you feel at the time about

sex?

guilty.

And he was like, I wonder if I married a

lesbian. Like he

couldn't believe I didn't want to have

sex.

But at the start of the relationship you

did or

you were just kind of

The problem is the new relationship

energy wears off and when you have

absolutely no skill,

neither of you know what you're doing

and it's not good for her, how long is

she going to want to keep doing it?

You know what's funny? I have one of the

programs that I wrote really early on is

a program called revive her drive. And

it's a sneaky little name because guys

will buy it and I say to them,

"This program won't help you if sex has

never been good. You need a therapist.

But if sex used to be good and now it's

not,

you can fix it." And so they buy it

thinking they're going to revive her

drive. They're going to fix her.

And when And then they're like, "Ooh,

you sneaky little devil.

You fixed me. It was me. I just was

treating I was like trying to have sex

with my wife

like she's a dude. And now I understand

what what what her body wants. And now I

know what she needs for me. And and she

loves sex now. So, that is very very

common.

But you had to fix your trauma as well

in your situation.

And how did you go about fixing that?

I I did a number of things. Um the first

thing that I did was I worked with a a

sexual trauma therapist.

Mhm.

And

I also worked with someone who does

more of a a little bit of a different

method called the circling method.

And I uh also worked with some somatic

therapists over the years.

It was pretty quick for me. I'm very

lucky.

And and I don't want to I don't want to

say that it's as easy for other people

as it is for me. I'm a I'm a fast

changer.

I have a lot of behavioral flexibility

and I'm very comfortable in discomfort.

I'm very comfortable crossing a chasm,

very comfortable in uncertainty.

I think because I grew up in Silicon

Valley, my career in my in the in my 20s

and 30s was Silicon Valley and it's

always changing. It's always like, you

know, up, we're doing this now, you

know, it's always a

So,

and also, a lot of people have trouble

because of their

genetic snips because they have

serotonin pathways where when they've

experienced trauma,

every time they think about it, it feels

like a raw wound.

They can't get over it because every

time they think about it, it's like it's

a fresh cut.

Not that's not me. So, I was able to

move through things. And mostly what

helped me

was being able to say, I remember one of

the one of the things I had to do was I

had to write down every single sexual

trauma, injustice,

frustration, wound, hurt, pain that I'd

ever experienced.

And I thought, oh, this is really going

to make me sick.

And my therapist said, it won't.

It won't. Don't worry. Just get it out.

I want you to come back on our next

appointment and I want you to

tell me every single thing. I want to

witness it. I want to know what you've

been through. I want you to remember it

all and we're going to put it behind

you.

And that was very, very helpful for me.

Finally someone heard everything that I

had gone through and all the things that

had been done to me.

And all the injustices that had happened

to me.

And it really helped me move through it.

But not that's not the right therapy for

any everyone.

People need different types of therapy.

And remember, I'm not a therapist. So

what I do is I deal in the how do you

have hot sex, not in the let me fix your

problem. I had to fix my problems to

learn about it. But once I did, I was

like, tell I want to know all about how

to have the best sex that keeps getting

better. What does that take? And that's

been my decades of study.

How did you know you had a problem?

And how did you know you had something

that needed to be healed?

And you and it wasn't just that, you

know, Tim's a little bit I'm not just

not attracted to Tim anymore or maybe I

just don't like sex. How did you know

how did you have the awareness to even

go to a therapist?

Because

we thought there was something wrong

with me.

And so we went to a therapist.

And she said, okay, well, tell me what

what your sex is like. And I started

telling her and she said, "Okay.

Let's unwind this. Let's unpack this.

Let's heal all of this."

And how did you get to the point that

you knew that the trauma was at the

heart of many of these challenges?

All she had to do was ask me what my sex

life had been like and what I'd gone

through, and I told her all the

injustices and the horrible things that

had happened to me, which are not

unique. I The thing about me is that I'm

pretty much just like everybody else.

I'm not special in any way. The only

thing that's special about me is that I

have the courage to talk about things

that a lot of people don't. They feel

embarrassed. That's just my I don't

know.

When you say sexual injustice

Mhm.

and trauma

Mhm.

give me a give give me a menu of things

that someone at home who's trying to

understand if those things might have

had an impact on their sex drive.

Sure.

It can be anything from

um

never knowing how your parts work or

what the names of them are or

understanding how your body works.

It could be

uh that you that sex is bad or uh

shaming.

It could be uh and this is something

that many people struggle with.

And that is

my parents never told me about sex, and

they never showed that they were sexual.

I feel like I came from a very stoic

uh repressed family, and it's impacted

my sex life.

And one of the things that I often have

to say to people is, "Your mom and your

dad did the best they could do.

They didn't know anything. They were

probably kids themselves.

And they loved you. They just weren't

equipped to help you with this. Not only

that, but it's not really their job.

Your sexuality and your sex life is your

job.

And when you take it on as something

that's a part of what you have to learn,

like the things you do for your career

or the things that you do to support

your family. And when you put it in that

bucket, and you let go of the victim

mindset, and the victim mentality, and

you say, "Okay, what do I need to do?

What is right? What is possible?" Then

you get into the fun parts. You can move

move through the trauma. So, it could be

abuse, it could be repression, it could

be shame, it could be lack of knowledge,

which could lack of knowledge

creates fear.

Fear is the enemy of pleasure.

So, once you start teaching people about

their bodies, about pleasure, but we

know that there's nature and there's

nurture around sexuality, too. The

nature is how my parts work versus your

parts work. And I'd really like to talk

to you about that, because I think

that's one of those little hinges that

swings big doors. Once you start to

understand the difference between male

and female arousal, you can begin to

have much better sex together, because

when you don't understand,

you're doing

You know, you know the golden rule, do

unto others as you'd have them do unto

you. That's what most people do in sex.

They treat their partner the way they

want to be treated, instead of treating

their partner the way their partner

needs to be treated. That's the platinum

rule.

So, I've just got two more questions on

this point before we move on to some of

these real specific things we've been

hearing about. I read that Tim cheated

on you at the time. He was having an

affair.

don't even like that word.

Really?

No, because I actually I remember when I

found out that Tim was

having a relationship with a woman who

was also in a sexless marriage. And we

were in what was basically a sexless

marriage at the time.

How did you find out?

He told me.

He came clean, and he told me. And I

remember the shame.

And I felt like it was my fault

that I'd not been a good wife.

When I look back at it,

what I realized was that he was just

trying to cope. He loved me.

And he loved our family.

And he he just wanted to feel pleasure

and connection. And he wasn't getting

that from me.

And for some reason, it is just easier

for women to give up their sexuality

than for men generally.

I want to say one thing about everything

I'm going to say on your show, and that

is that sex

is a bell curve. There are people at one

end of the spectrum and the other, but

I'm almost always just talking to the

big bell curve in the middle, the

average dude and his lady. That's That's

where my sweet spot is. So,

when he when he was having that affair,

all he was trying to do was stay in the

marriage and not be miserable.

And once I got right with that, and I

realized he didn't do anything to me,

and I didn't even look at it I don't

even look at it as cheating. I literally

look at it as that man was still trying

to stay married to me. He loved me.

And so, it was it was our mutual

problem, which was a lack of knowledge.

He didn't understand how my body worked.

I didn't understand how my body worked.

Once we learned that,

we learned technique, and I was able to

stay present and connected with him and

not leave my body in worry that

something bad was going to happen. When

it started to be pleasurable instead of

me just servicing my husband.

Did you separate when he told you that,

or did you stay together?

Well,

there was a moment where in the

beginning,

when he told me that he was seeing

someone else,

I thought maybe it's best that we stop

being together.

And I remember that he had packed up his

things, and he was driving out of our

house, and I was standing at the doorway

of my big, beautiful Silicon Valley

mansion

in the height of career

my little daughter our little daughter

was standing there 6 years old and she

had this little blanky that she loved.

You know how kids love their blankies

and she had it had this little soft

satin border on it and she would rub it

on her lip to kind of soothe herself and

she was holding my hand and she was

rubbing that blanket on her lip and

daddy drove around to the side to the

front of the house and he stopped and he

was looking out the window and he was

waving goodbye and she said

but it gets me every time I do every

time I even think about this moment in

my life. She's like

but

will you still be my daddy?

And I was like

oh what am I doing?

I love this guy. How did we get here? I

can't ruin her. I can't I could never do

better than Sir Tim. I could never do

better than him. He's

an amazing human being. My God. Steven,

he's been the wind beneath my wings for

more than half my life. I've known him

for longer than I haven't now.

He's the solid, you know,

person I sit on top of that get allows

me to be out here in the world giving

people hope and instructions

on how to have what I have which is

amazing.

And so when I when she said that I said

turn around, come back. We got to fix

it. And I had seen all of our friends

were getting divorced and it wasn't

money cuz we were all making money. It

was Silicon Valley in the dot com era.

And uh

so he came back. We said what are we

going to do about it? And we started

therapy and then we started going to sex

workshops and within I mean months it

sorted itself out and we started having

great sex.

Did your sex life change

in terms of the dynamics of it? Are you

in a monogamous relationship?

We were in a monogamous relationship for

many years,

but we opened our relationship when we

got really good in bed together. We were

like, "Hey, this is so much fun. Let's

have some sex with some other people."

And so we did.

And it was not without its challenges.

It's never without its challenges when

you you know, when you go beyond the

scope of monogamy, but um

I don't regret any of it, even the bad

parts.

And what is that called? Cuz there's all

these names for different relationship

dynamics. Do you have a name for it?

Well, the if you think about it as a

tree,

Yeah.

there's it's non-monogamy is the tree

and it could be called ethical

non-monogamy or consensual non-monogamy.

There's there's polyamory, there's open

relationships, there's lifestyles and

swingers and the pineapple people.

There's you know, all kinds of things.

And then there's my latest favorite

flavor, which is a kind of a new flavor.

And that is because I've I've been in an

open relationship with my husband for

over two decades now. So, for 20 years,

20 out of 33 years. We've been open

longer than we've been closed. And we

were shepherded by people who are now in

their 70s and 80s who are still in their

open relationships and they taught us a

lot about what to do to keep ourselves

safe, both physically and emotionally,

which is something interesting.

And

the one that I'm enjoying right now is

relationship anarchy.

That's what you call it?

Well, that's what people call. Some some

people call it that. And I and that's

one of the That's one of the branches on

the tree of non-monogamy.

And the thing that I want to say about

non-monogamy, whatever flavor you like,

is that

two things. Number one, I'm not

here to tell anyone that what I do is

better than what they do. I am not a

polyamorous proponent or any of those

things. It's just what I do. But Steve,

I mean, I'm a sexpert.

I'm I stand up here telling you that I

can teach you how to be better in bed

than you are.

If I only had one partner,

how much could I know? Every single

partner I've ever had,

I've had them safely using safe sex

techniques, which I'd love to explain to

you, and I've had so many incredible

experiences.

Who initiates that conversation in your

relationship? Cuz I think this is the

first challenge in most relationships is

figuring out like how do you go about

having that conversation with someone

without them biting your head off

potentially?

Well, here's an interesting thing. One

of the things that really helped us save

our marriage at the time that we went to

the therapists and we went to the sex

workshops. We did another thing.

We did uh

one of our friends um uh

was a coach for Brad Blanton and he

wrote a book called Radical Honesty.

And we said, Tim and I said, "Look, we

just have to be totally honest with each

other. We've been pussyfooting,

sugarcoating, withholding, you know, for

12 years now, 14 years. We've got to be

honest if we're going to save our

marriage." And so we started the

practice of telling the truth. Because

my god, when you start actually trying

to tell the truth, you realize how

societally im- embedded

not telling the truth is.

What was the most painful truth he told

you?

Mm-mm. Maybe just

the one that he that he was

with someone else. Might have been the

worst one and I felt so much shame about

that, like I'd done something wrong. But

nothing, it turns out. The truth is

juicy, exciting,

interesting.

Offensive?

No.

No?

No, because if it's said with love, if

thing if honest honesty doesn't have to

be mean. Honesty is just

your truth, your boundaries, your

desires, your your foibles, your you

know.

the most offensive tr- like someone

someone turns to

my partner turns to me and goes,

"Listen, you you are out of shape and

I'm just not feeling it."

Yeah.

Well, why wouldn't your partner turn to

you and say First of all, you're not,

you're absolutely gorgeous,

you.

but if in fact you feel like your

partner is is not taking care of

themselves,

um it would be more

kind to say, "I'm worried about your

health.

I don't think you're taking care of

yourself well enough and I love you and

I want you to do a better job. How can I

support you?"

You know what? You can love me more

fully if you know exactly who I am and

where my boundaries and edges are

and and you get to honor and respect

those, then you know you're loving me

exactly the way I want you to love me.

Or I can decide I don't love you, I

guess.

Yeah, you could decide you don't love

me.

Yeah, that's okay. Hey, I'm not for

everyone.

And I'm okay with that, too.

So, how did you come to be polyamorous?

Polyamorous, right. Um well, we started

to have experiences with people.

Was it your idea or his idea?

It was our mutual idea because we had

gone to workshops where we had

experienced light

with groups of people, like I remember

one time I was at a workshop and there

were four of us paired together and Tim

was in a different group and we were

doing like sensation play where one

person would

lie down and receive sensation, and the

other three people would give it to

them.

And at the same time that they were

giving them sensation, like oh, rubbing

your feet, playing with your boobs, you

know, whatever, kissing or stroking your

hair, whatever, and then they would also

give you an angel shower. They would

tell all at the same time, they would

tell you things they loved about you.

Things that they thought were really

attractive about you, or things that

they noticed about you. And when you get

an angel shower from a group of people,

you

you can't negate it. It goes in because

there's so much kindness coming at you

that you're defenseless against it, and

so you kind of take it in instead of

going, oh no, no, that's not true,

that's not true. That's what people are

taught to do. It's like one of my

favorite games that I like to teach

people is a game called three things I

love about you.

And Tim and I have been playing it for

decades now.

And whenever I want, I say to him, can

you tell me three things that you love

about me?

And I particularly like it when we start

our love making dates, because I notice

that I I really need that reassurance

that I'm loved and appreciated. And so

I'll want him to tell me three things

that he loves about me, and we have this

little the little part of our game is

never say the same thing twice. So for

decades, we've been telling each other

what we love about each other and not

repeating things.

And when you really start to get good at

offering up love

and noticing what you love about

someone,

um

you just you're in love more. You're

just in love with people more. You're in

love instead of in judgment.

We reached out to some of our audience

ahead of this conversation, and we asked

them

to send us their questions.

Okay.

And then my team

Mhm.

sat down with some of these individuals.

We masked them through using some

actors. Um and got them to say

we got them to talk about some of the

problems they have in their lives. This

is the first time we've ever done this.

So, I wanted to play to you some of the

challenges that they have. Especially,

I'm going to play one that kind of

overlaps with the experience you went

through with Tim.

Yeah.

My name is Eliza. I

um I'm in my 40s. I'm a mother of two

lovely little girls.

And that big question I have is how

can I find

that intimacy again

with someone that has

just been

so disconnected.

So, is she saying that her partner is

disconnected? And she wants to find her

way back to intimacy with her partner?

I'm going to play you a few more from

Eliza.

Because I think this will help sort of

uh

fill the jigsaw puzzle a little bit. Um

there's another one here.

Work.

Um

doctors' appointments.

And yeah, we get very little time

together, the two of us. And I think

it's really easy to

just

pass like ships in the night.

And it'd be nice to have a conversation

that wasn't about

what's for dinner or

you know, what

the kids have going on the next day.

I really miss having

real conversations. I don't remember the

last time

we had one.

Is that a familiar situation?

Yeah. Especially during the time of

children raising.

Um

you think about your sexuality in eras.

Generally, your your 20s, you don't know

nothing from nothing and it's all new

and exciting and you know, you're just

finding out what it's like and

experimenting. In your 30s, you're if

you're going to have your children,

that's typically when most people are

having them now.

And

um you know, all of a sudden you have no

sleep, you're exhausted, those kids are

just like

draining you and you can barely keep up

and your relationship

head south, your sexual relationship

head south. Um by the time you're in

your 40s, you're like, wait a minute.

I've got to fight for my sex life now. I

mean like I can't let it go. You begin

to realize that you've missed a lot and

you want more.

In your

50s, you think to yourself, oh, I better

get it now cuz I'm going to get old die.

And your 60s, you go, oh,

I'm still I'm still alive and I did get

some good sex and I it is really good

and I'm looking forward to my 70s and my

80s, too, you know? And so

if you keep your body in good shape.

I mean, that's quite a pertinent point

because one of the things Eliza said

Yeah.

is this.

I think one thing that I wasn't prepared

for

at all was

how much my body was going to change.

I mean, everything

changed. Like my

I it got to the point where I

didn't recognize I don't recognize my

own

body anymore. I don't feel comfortable.

My body doesn't feel like it's mine.

And I've

really fallen out of love with

me

and with my body.

Estrogen is a molecule, a hormone of

protection.

Because women are prey and men are

predators in the general scheme of

things, we have to be very, very

careful. And so estrogen

protects us in many, many ways. And one

of the ways that it does is it makes us

judgmental, makes us judgy. And one of

the ways that spills over is that we

become judgy about ourselves and we

become very judgy about our bodies. We

have body image issues that we fight

against.

And

she's

she's Eliza is probably

beautiful, but she doesn't think she is.

She thinks that she doesn't look good

anymore and then she thinks that makes

her less desirable.

Her husband likely is working very hard

and kind of has thrown himself into work

and he's probably in overwhelm as well

trying to do all of this and he feels

disconnected from her. And so he's

probably feeling pretty lost and he

doesn't know how to get back to her

either. He doesn't have the skills to do

that.

And

one of the things that I often say to

women especially is that sex is a

mindfulness practice.

You just have to keep bringing yourself

back to connection

to your heart.

You have to

bring yourself back to your husband.

Nobody cares what your body looks like.

It's a It's your It's your cell bag. You

got 72 trillion cells. There they are.

Take good care of them. You got only so

much time. Enjoy your life. When you're

stressed and you're producing cortisol

and adrenaline and you're exhausted,

this is when you need to say, "Oh, I

really need to have some good orgasms. I

really need to be held by my husband."

On these body image issues, is it

usually

the person saying

they're unhappy with their own body or

is it the partner saying they're unhappy

with their partner's body?

It's almost always the woman saying she

doesn't think she looks good. And I

would say the large majority of the

partners say

she looks great to me. I picked her cuz

I like the way she looks. She still

looks good to me.

Is it ever the guy saying he doesn't

like how he looks?

Not that often.

Because testosterone has rose-colored

lenses.

Testosterone makes you the warrior, the

single-minded focus. You know how if a

guy is doing something, you can't

interrupt him with another thing cuz

he's on the task, and women are

multitaskers, their eyes and their eyes

and ears are on everything? That's the

difference between testosterone and

estrogen. And so he thinks he looks

better than he does, and she thinks she

looks worse than she does.

If they now feel like two ships passing

in the night as Eliza said in that

video,

Yeah.

what is step one?

Yeah. Step one is often just holding

each other. One of the techniques there

I have these two techniques that come

from one of my books. One of my most

popular books is a book called um

Sexual Soulmates.

Because Sexual Soulmates are not out

there

waiting for you. You co-create

your connection with your partner. And

even if you've lost that connection, you

can have many renaissance in your

relationship throughout the years. You

can come back together and it can be

better than ever again.

And

there are two techniques out of that

book that I think are kind of like a

foundation. One of them is called the

Sexual Soulmate Pact, and that pact is

an agreement between partners

where I can say anything I want to you,

and you're going to be happy I told you,

and you're not going to take it as

criticism or you did anything wrong.

You're going to be hungry for me to tell

you what I have an appetite for, what I

want, how I'm feeling. Am I a kitty cat?

Do you need to hold me in your arms? Do

you need to pet me? Do you need to let

me release and calm down and get some

things off my chest? Do you just need to

provide that holding?

Or am I a lioness? Do I want you to

ravish me? Do I want to be pounced on?

Do you I want you to carry me to the

bedroom and throw me down on the bed and

rip my clothes off and tell me how

gorgeous I am and eat me up.

We want those things in that range all

the time. But what couples forget is to

start with holding and being held.

Because when we do that, we generate

oxytocin. And the oxytocin is kind of

like the antidote

to all the cortisol we're pumping out

constantly with the kids and the school

and the stress and the job and the

politics and the you know, every all

this crazy stuff. We need to be held and

to hold.

So step one then is have the

conversation and step two is to

just hold essentially. Hold each other.

You don't even need to have a

conversation. You can just go crawl into

your partner's arms and say And this is

something that I love to teach men. I

love to teach men how to run a woman a

menu of small offers.

So the problem is that they're both

feeling Eliza and her husband are likely

both they're dissatisfied they feel

disconnected.

They're not speaking about it.

They're not speaking about it and

she feels like we should be having sex

but we're not. Right? It's the should I

should be having sex and what is sex?

Intercourse.

Well, she's not turned on. She hasn't

had sex in God knows how long. She's not

ready to be penetrated.

She needs to get warmed up. You know,

it's very very slow the female arousal

system.

And it takes 15, 20, 30 minutes when

it's been a long time between lovemaking

sessions to get out of your head, into

your body, calmed down. Because arousal,

it's not I'm going to push your buttons

and I'm going to spin your dials, which

is what guys try to do. They're like,

"I've got a goal. I got to give her an

orgasm. Let's go. I'm full speed ahead."

Where in reality it's, "Oh, I need to

hold her. I need to grab her up in my

big muscular arms and I need to just let

her calm down and

relax.

Remember what she loved about you

and how much she loves you and how how

good you smell and how good you feel and

how safe she feels right in this moment.

You used the word should.

Should is such a

What did I say?

corrosive. When you were saying, "We

should be having"

Right.

How often how much harm do you think

should does? As in when I say should, I

really mean it's a social comparison.

It's like an external comparison. I've

watched this movie, I spoke to my

friend, they're doing it this often,

they're doing it like this, so we should

be doing it like them.

Mhm.

How much harm do you think that does?

I've seen it in all my relationships.

I've seen

Guilt, guilt, guilt.

Yeah, like the comparison to other

people who are just not you

it can do so much harm and

I I think in my current relationship,

we've basically banned comparison. So

we've banned each other speaking about

our unmet needs through the lens of

other people or our past relationships.

And I think it really helps.

You know?

I do, too.

I think that if Eliza stopped

feeling guilty and said, "Okay, I just

I'm just going to start small." And if

her husband if she said to her husband,

"I just want to start small again. I

just want to Let's crawl and then walk

and then run back to lovemaking when we

can. Let's acknowledge that we're in the

time of our relationship when the kids

make it really hard. Let's acknowledge

that we want to have more intimacy

together.

And let's start with small offers. And

then if he starts saying to her,

"How about Thursday night,

I bring home some Chinese. We get the

kids in the bath. We get them in bed. We

divide and conquer. We put them down.

I'll go in, take a quick shower. I'll

set up the bedroom. I'll set up the

nest. I'll light a candle. I'll lay out

some fresh towels. I'll get your

favorite lube. I'll put on the sexy

playlist that you like. And all I want

you to do is relax. There's no pressure

to do anything. I won't be mad if we

don't have intercourse. What I'm going

to do is I'm going to hold you. I'm

going to get my hands on you. I'm going

to rub whatever hurts. I'm going to tell

you how much I love you. I'm going to

snuggle you. I might kiss you if you

want to kiss me. We'll see how it goes.

No pressure."

Why?

Why no pressure?

Because if she has pressure, then she's

going to feel stressed. And if she feels

stressed, she can't get into arousal. As

soon as you take the pressure off,

and let her just see what happens,

then her body will go into arousal and

connection and feel safe and relaxed,

and she'll start to let down and get

that turn on going.

I guess the starting point then, as you

said, is the communication part, right?

Because that you can't even get to that

point if you're in a situation. I've

been in that situation once in my sexual

history where

it was so awkward that

like it just gets the awkwardness just

compounds, where you're not even

speaking about something.

Yeah.

And so you're getting in bed. You're

both just kind of out.

Laying in silence and oh my god, he's

thinking about it, and I'm thinking

about it.

Right. I hope he doesn't remember.

about it, and I hope he doesn't ask me,

and I'll pretend to sleep and all of

that stuff. I've been there.

Yeah.

Um and really what broke it was the two

things you said. The first thing was you

got to talk about it. And the second

thing was removing the pressure and the

blame and and the judgment.

And if you can get there, and I think

much of the reason why people don't want

to talk about it sometimes

is because they they might have a little

bit of a risk that if they're honest

about how they're feeling then the other

the the person might leave or they might

be mad or they they might not hang

around long enough for you to fix it

together.

You know? And also you don't know how to

fix it. So it's difficult sometimes in

life to say I've got a problem, but I

have no idea what the solution is.

You know?

Yeah.

This is one of the reasons that I like

erotic play dates so much.

What's that?

Erotic play dates are so

All right, I've written hundreds of sex

techniques.

I've written dozens of communication

skills.

And what people really want, they don't

necessarily just want a technique or a

skill, they just want to have fun. They

want erotic adventure.

I just want to have fun having sex with

you. I don't want it to be like I'm

going to be finding your, you know, G

spot or whatever. Like that's fun.

That's fun. That could be one of the

things you want to do. That could be one

of your erotic play dates. It's like,

let's find our G spot. Let's try this

sex toy. Let's do a lingerie photo

shoot. Let's have sex on the dining room

table when the kids are away. Let's do

whatever. When you start to think about

your sexuality not as oh, we have to

grab a boob and stick it in.

We have to have intercourse.

Um and when you move away from that and

you take the pressure off, you have a

lot more intercourse.

Because you have a you start having fun.

You start trying things. And when you

try things, you have new relationship

energy.

Sex is an equation.

It is two things.

Good sex is

half of it is safety and security.

I trust this person. They're not going

to give me STIs. You know, they're

they're going to they're going to be

fun. Um I like them. They smell good.

They taste good. You know, that

I they're going to be good have sex

with. But if you you just have that

boring, you know? It's like that's the

death knell for your sex life is when

it's just safe.

Boring. Sounds so boring. So, variety,

novelty,

erotic adventures, erotic play dates,

learning new things together.

When you have this seat, this foundation

of trust and safety,

and good communication, I can say

anything I want to you and you're going

to love me and you're going to

appreciate that I'm telling you what I

need all the time.

When you have that, and then you add all

the novelty, ooh, did you hear about

that heated sex toy or that one that

blows up in your vagina? It inflates.

What's that like? Or oh, let's find your

P-spot. Or let's try this penis ring. Or

whatever it might be. Um once you start

doing those things, then not only that,

but you have something to look forward

to.

You're like, okay. So, one of the things

that I like to offer people is a is

understanding what's on your sex life

bucket list.

So, what I did was I took 48 of my best

sexy ideas and I made a sex life bucket

list with all 48 of them. And then it's

basically this little printout here. I

I'll just give you one.

For me?

Yeah.

Or for them?

This one this is for you. So, what's

interesting about the sex life bucket

list is that I give you a video and I

give you a printout. And if you both do

the printout, and you watch the video,

and you go through and I tell you what

all 48 ideas are. And then when you do

that you go, "Okay, well these are my

A's. I definitely want to do a laundry

photo shoot with you. My B's are I mean

I'd find your P spot with you and I'm

happy to do it but it wouldn't be like

on my A list."

P spot?

Your prostate. Your P spot.

Is that your bum?

Yeah, up your bum.

Okay.

And um C's are it's not for me right

now. Never say never because as you

mature,

if you think about your sexual

development like your personal

development, it's just one more thing

you're learning. You get better and

better and you increment your skills.

And so what you used to look at and go,

"Why would anybody want to be spanked?"

Now you're like, "Oh my god, I want to

be spanked."

I've been there in my I've been there in

my sexual history where I was with a

partner and I remember first introduced

introducing the idea of using sex toys.

Yeah.

And my partner responded at the time

many many years ago saying that no,

that's for 50-year-old people. And I I I

I I was like, "What?" And that was I

found it really disappointing cuz I

thought I was I was in search of novelty

in the the bedroom. So I was looking to

try new things and I'd heard of like my

best friend was doing all sorts of like

bondage and whips and stuff. So I was

like, "I'll get in I'll get involved in

that."

Yeah.

And they just kind of shut it down.

Uh-huh.

And what is someone supposed to do in

such a situation where they've proposed

something which is in line with their

sort of their sex language but their

partner has shut it down, dismissed it,

mocked it, ridiculed it, whatever. What

are they supposed to do?

Yeah. First of all, I cannot wait to do

my Susan's sexy show and tell with you

today because I have brought you some

things that I've never shown anyone

before. I have brand new things that no

one's ever seen in the whole world for

you today. So I'm excited about that.

The second thing is that understanding

that your girlfriend was afraid.

She's just afraid. It was lack of

knowledge makes fear.

So, how can you educate her? Say, "You

know, I think you'd really enjoy us

playing with a toy together. You know,

I'd love to be inside you while you're

you have a toy on your the outside. And

I think you'd really enjoy it and it

might give you some different kinds of

orgasms. So, why don't we have a date

and I'll take you to a store and we can

look at them."

And she goes, "No, I'm not interested in

that. I don't like it."

Say, "Well, tell me what it is you don't

like about it. Is it something where you

think that it might do what? Replace I

you'd think I'd be worried about being

replaced."

I don't think it's good for us. I think

that we're better doing it naturally and

I think that that that's for people that

are 50. Which is what she said to me is

the quote. She said "I think that's for

people that are 50."

Well,

And we were at the time must have been

early 20s or something. So,

I mean, I use an electric toothbrush and

an oral irrigator and I drive a car and

I have a mobile device and I use a

laptop and I use all kinds of tools.

So, these are tools of pleasure and all

I think is that we might experiment with

some fun things. But, if the toys aren't

of interest to you right now, let's talk

about what else might be of interest.

Let's do this sex life bucket list and

see what does sound good to you and

let's just start with your A's. I'm

perfectly willing to meet you where you

are with the things that might be on

your bucket list. Let's Let's knock a

few of those things off and try some fun

new things together.

It's interesting cuz I I also you were

speaking, I was reflecting on that

sentence that that this former partner

said many years ago about I think it's

for people that are 50 cuz A, when I'm

50, I still want to be having the best

sex of my life.

I've I've spoken to 50-year-olds and

they're having a great time. Um but C,

it also comes back to this idea of like

should, which is again a

comparative measure. I don't You know,

like this expectation and

this this how stereotypes can can be so

corrosive for like sexual exploration

and and openness.

The other thing I was thinking about is

what if you want to try something with

your partner, you have a fantasy

and

it is opposed to their fantasy. So like

I I think you we talk about love

languages a lot, but what about like sex

languages? Could you Could you Is it

possible to have the opposite sex

language to your partner? For example,

you might want to be um

you might want to feel really safe, but

your partner wants to tie you up and

dominate.

Yeah.

And that's like and that's maybe that's

their thing.

Yeah.

And you but you want to be really you

want to feel really safe, so that that's

like diametrically opposed.

Mhm.

So there's a couple of things. The first

is that

uh Jaiya's erotic blueprints are a good

place to start.

Um she's come up with five different

archetypes, uh sexual archetypes. And I

think that's wonderful, but it's very

similar also to the um love languages,

where it's like, "Well, Steve,

I want you to love me in all five ways."

Like making me think I have a love

language, it's also uh starting with the

erotic blueprint that you have is great,

but maybe you are really enjoying being

passive, but then why not try and be a

little switchy? Why not learn and become

more confident in your sexuality and

learn how to take control?

Or maybe you are the one that's always

dominant and it's time for you to learn

how to surrender. I think that you can

start in one place with your comfort

zone,

but begin to learn more things so that

you get out of your comfort zone and you

start trying new things.

How often? You said um safety plus

novelty equals desire.

Mhm.

So the novelty part, I mean if you live

100 years, that's a lot of new ideas

you're going to need.

I have not run out of ideas. As a matter

of fact, Sir Tim, I joke that his like

epitaph on his gravestone, which he's

like, "I don't even need a gravestone. I

don't I don't care about that." But I

always joke that his epitaph is up for

anything. Like I can't come up with

something that guy wouldn't be willing

to try with me. And I keep coming up

with stuff and he keeps being a yes.

And it's really, really fun when you're

with a partner like that or when the two

of you have ideas. And a lot of times

when we have a date, we'll sit down and

and or if we have a date with a third

person. So I have a boyfriend as well.

And the three of us make love.

And we'll get together for our date and

we'll

watches that?

No, we were all together. They're

straight, but we all make love together.

And

um

we'll sit down and we'll be like, "Okay,

well what do you guys feel like?" And

they'll throw out some ideas and I'll

throw out some ideas and then we'll

decide what we want to start with first

and then we'll come up with a game plan

and then we'll start that game plan, but

then I'll be like, "Oh no, you know what

I want to do? I want to do this

instead."

AND THEY'RE LIKE, "OKAY, WE'LL DO THAT

INSTEAD."

And so

you can just get to the point where

you're so comfortable that you can

listen to your animal. One of the

reasons I used the word Homo sapien

when I talked to you earlier

is that we can't forget that we are part

of, if you think about the tree of life.

We're on the branch with the bonobos and

the great apes. We are Homo sapien. We

are

part of the great apes. And so we're an

animal.

We are subject to the vagaries of how

much sugar we've eaten, have we been

drinking, have we been, you know, have

we been sad, have we been stressed out,

etc. Have we been working out or not?

And so, every time you enter into an

experience together, every time you

begin a lovemaking date,

to not have some prescribed thing that

you're going to do, but to see what your

appetite, what your animal desires, what

he or she is in the mood for.

I'm the kitty cat, I'm the lioness,

where am I? I want to try a new toy, I

want to have sex in a different

location, whatever it might be. What am

I in the mood for? What does she want?

I've got another question. So, this is

from a young man okay who is a Diary of

a CEO listener,

and this is his situation.

I feel like

when

whenever

I am

having sex with someone,

that she's not really having as good of

a time as she's acting like. Um and the

reason that I think so is because I only

last like two or three minutes in bed,

and I just don't think that that's

enough time for her to you know, for her

to get off also.

Um and this has been an issue dating

back to my first relationship.

Yeah, this is very, very common. Uh so,

Kit, you are not alone. One in four men

of all ages suffer from what some people

call premature ejaculation

or performance anxiety,

but um

one of the things that I have been doing

is working with Jim Benson. I publish

his

program called multiorgasmic lover for

men.

And basically, what it does is it helps

men attain something called ejaculatory

choice.

And that is essentially, you get to

ejaculate when you want to, not because

you can't help it.

So, for the guys that are coming too

fast, it slows them down. It's

essentially a technique called the me

breath, m e.

And it is

um

a way to use three things in your body.

It's a body-based technique. It's very

similar to like learning how to swing a

golf club or learning how to drive a

car. Where you, you know, when you're

driving a car, you're gassing, you're

braking, you're looking in the rearview

mirror, you're looking out the front,

you're steering, you might even be

shifting.

And uh golf swing, you know, you're

setting it up, you got the head tilted

right, you're doing your swing, your

pull back, and all these kinds of

things.

The me breath uses three things. It uses

a a squeeze of the PC muscle, the

pubococcygeus

muscle. It's like the Kegel area.

It uses a breath that is called a cool

draw. This comes from Taoist techniques

for semen retention, but it's not a

semen retention technique, but it's

leverages that. And it uses a what we

call a thrust or a pelvic rock to relax

guys. Guys end up often with intercourse

kind of doing like

like a piston. They think about the

vagina as like an inside-out penis, and

it's just this friction that's supposed

to feel good to her. The vagina is a

vast cavern of pleasure. It is not an

inside-out penis, and it likes all kinds

of other things. But when they end up

with that friction

and they're stiff

and they're not relaxed, it accelerates

ejaculation.

So, when they learn the squeeze, the

breathe, and the thrust, and they do

them during masturbation, often men who

come before they want to are suffering

from um

kind of almost training themselves to

come too fast, like they've they've

masturbated in ways that, you know, gets

them off quickly. Often they don't have

privacy or, you know, they're just they

just don't have leisurely time for

masturbation. So, you practice the me

breath during masturbation, and it

teaches your body to gas and brake your

arousal, so you can slow down.

And the other component is the mental

component, which is

that you get really nervous you're going

to do it again, and then that makes you

do it again. And so, there are some

somatic

techniques that allow you to be present

right here, right now. Because a lot of

guys guys say to me all the time,

"I don't really care about my own

pleasure. I'm just in it for her." And

it's like, well, that's a lot of

pressure for her, dude. It would be nice

if you showed your pleasure, too. Like,

always just trying to make her have an

orgasm

is not really what you want to do,

either. You need to get out of your head

and into your body.

You got to slow down. You got to get

present. Because if you're thinking

about something that happened in the

past, "Oh, I'm going to come too fast

again." Or, "Oh my god, what if I come

too fast?" You're you're not with me.

And so, if he stops trying to make her

have fun, if he stops worrying, he

practices the me breath at home, and

then when he's making love to her, he

knows how to

breathe and rock his hips. And by the

way, that pelvic rock feels really good

in intercourse for her. So, that's nice,

too.

If I was to try and relate to

our friend here, Kit.

Yeah.

I think for the first sort of season of

my sexual journey, I thought of sex as

this thing where you kind of I'm on

and it needs to be like quick as you

can. And in fact, I think because of cuz

you watch pornography when you're young,

you think that the faster and harder you

go, the better the job you're doing.

Oh my gosh, I know.

I think in my wisdom I've learned that

there's no rush.

Oh.

And also, you know, I get off by

watching my partner get off. So, this is

where a lot of the things you have on

this table come in cuz

it wasn't until later in my sort of

sexual journey that I started using

these kind of things, these toys that

you've brought. I mean, you've brought

720 of them, but

I recognize a couple of them.

Um

which ones are like a a fan favorite? If

you're a guy and you're looking to

pleasure your partner, which one of

these is like, you know, easy money? Is

like

is going to hit the spot?

Yeah. Well, there's a couple of

different ones. One of the things that I

think is really important is yoni

massage.

Do you know what a yoni is?

I do.

Good for you.

Because my yeah, my partner is

has told me what yoni massages are and

she was in Bali for many years doing

she's done tantra training and I've I've

been with her and stuff, so

yeah.

Great.

Yoni means vagina.

It really means, you know, the vagina is

just the internal

Oh, yeah.

cavern.

And the vulva is just the external

facing

tissue.

Okay.

Like the outside and the inside. And so,

vagina's not technically accurate and

vulva's not technically accurate. The

whole thing, the whole shebang.

Right, but it's not cuz the vagina's

just the internal. So, I like the word

yoni because it's comprehensive. And

it's also reverential.

Which means?

It means that you are not looking at it

as like this is just a thing that I'm

sticking my penis in. This is actually

connected to this woman.

This is her the seat of her passion.

This is the seat of her creativity. This

is she is a goddess and I will pleasure

every part of her.

And so,

I think that's the number one thing

that's important to when I when I use

the word yoni, I'm really thinking about

it in a very loving, gentle, kind, and

pleasurable perspective. And so, if you

want to do a good job for a yoni, the

best thing that you can do is give it a

massage before you make love to it.

And so, toys that I would recommend for

that are lay-on

toys. This is a pretty burgeoning

category of of toys. And I I think about

them as tools. I don't even think

they're toys. I feel like toys is like

Okay, yeah, that's fine, but they're

they're tools.

What's a lay-on toy?

So, here are two lay-on tools. This is

called the Pulse Queen, and this one

actually has a vibrating plate. Let Let

me turn it on for you. Actually, you'd

probably figure it out right away. Hold

the middle button down for a minute and

it'll it'll go on. There you go.

This pulse plate technology actually

penetrates

the vulva, the outside of her yoni,

and it feels great on the clitoral

structures. It feels great on the mons.

It's a headache, so yeah.

It feels great on the outer labia and

the inner labia and the vestibule. So,

what it does

Wow.

Yeah, it it'll There's plenty of power.

Here's another one. That's called the