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my desire to be strong was because i

knew one day

i may have to kill my father

athlete artist actor terry crews

that's right i've always wanted to be a

superhero one of my earliest memories

was my father

knocking my mother out she'd be nursing

a black eye and i would just dance in

front of her and she just started

cracking up in the middle of all that

pain i saw the ability to make her laugh

pornography numbered my pain i had this

addiction for the longest time how did

it impact your marriage

she said i was different

i damaged my family i damaged my wife

you gotta own up to it you have to do

what's within your power to make things

right

one thing i that that changed for me

is i stopped competing with people and i

said

don't try to be the best

be the only

so without further ado

i'm stephen bartlett and this is the

diary of a ceo usa edition i hope

nobody's listening but if you are

then please keep this to yourself

[Music]

terry i i always start these

conversations in a very similar way but

having read your new book tough

i feel like it's never been more

relevant to what i'm about to say

reading through your your new book

especially in the first chapter it

becomes so blatantly clear how

our early context shapes who we become

in many ways and

there's never been a more glaring

example of that

so

i feel like that has to be the place we

start can you tell me about that context

in which you were raised

wow uh first and foremost um i

was raised in um flint michigan and

i was born in 1968 and and i just want

to give some context in the fact that

flint michigan was the palo alto of the

united states what i mean by that is

general motors was the most successful

corporation in the world

and

you know there were opportunities there

were money there was homes and

people were doing very very well and the

city was growing and blossoming and my

father

was a foreman

at buick

um during this time he he was a poor kid

who moved up from edison georgia a town

of less than 300 people and moved and

went up north to find to work in the

factory and became a foreman and

my mother was a housewife

and she was raised born and raised in

flint

my mom had got pregnant with me before

they were married and they shortly soon

sooner after got married and

what was so wild about that is that

amongst all this

you know

kind of opportunity

my father was very very abusive and

you know one of my earliest memories

around you know the time i was about

four or five years old was my

father

knocking my mother out um

and

what was really crazy you know he was

alcoholic

um

and here here you have a man who came

from

he really never shared his past with me

i had to actually find out

a lot about his past later on in my

adult years

but i never really understood him

and he never really volunteered any

information

and then my mother however was very

religious

um she grew up in the church of god in

christ which was what you would call the

holiness movement and it was you know

the term was holy rollers and

you know she couldn't wear makeup she

could she wore her dresses down to her

ankles

we were not allowed to go to the movies

not allowed to

listen to secular music not allowed

to

play sports uh basically everything that

i ended up doing in my life i was not

allowed to do um and it was we were in

church probably six days out of a seven

day week so

it was unindated with religion um a lot

of guilt a lot of shame

a lot of um

you know

god's gonna get you

you know if you don't you know this is

the way they felt they needed to keep

you in line so there was a very toxic

mix in my household because here you

know my father was an alcoholic and my

mother is religious and so they always

went at each other because you weren't

allowed to do what my father was doing

and my mother was always challenging him

and yelling at him about it and he would

go off and

and i just wanted peace man

it was just violent you know i actually

went to bed until i was 14 years old

because it was not a peaceful night you

know i would wake up to screaming wake

up to glass breaking shouting my one

time i woke up my father was bleeding my

mother had stabbed him

and the police came and in that day it

was like

you know there was no such thing as

domestic violence just like there was no

such thing as alcoholism

you know it was just he can't handle his

liquor uh i was kind of saved by my high

school because it was it was a special

school

that allowed you to come because you had

certain talents and it was from

seventh grade all the way to my senior

year

and i had art ability

and one thing about being in this

religious household is that i had a

really vibrant imagination because we

couldn't do anything else so i would go

to school and people would tell me about

movies they saw and things that they

were listening to and all this stuff so

i would go home and draw it

so because i wanted to watch it so bad

and be there so bad

and so i would start drawing and i

remember you know one thing my mom did

let me do was comic books and so i would

copy the comic books and the heroes and

they had muscles and

i was like one day i'm gonna be like

that and um

but i also found out

which was so wild a little bit later

even in therapy was just that i found

that

a lot of my my desire to be strong

was because i knew one day

i may have to kill my father

because he was just that person

and it was intense man it i i guess it

was a very very intense

upbringing um

and i became this person who just wanted

to keep the peace

because it was

i just

anything to keep the peace i became what

you would call a pleaser like

mom what do you need to do i'll be a

good boy i promise i'll i'll sing in the

church i'll sing in the choir and then

my father will come home he's like what

you want another beer whatever you want

you know i'll just make sure you you

don't get angry you know

and

it was just about i was i was exhausted

you know and i remember just being that

tired

um and it was

it was a lot of work

because

i i lost all my

like who i was

um it was dependent on who was around

and i was all of a sudden be what they

wanted me to be

did you ever try and intervene when your

parents were having conflict did you

ever try and intervene at a young age

he was too big i mean it was one of

those things where i felt helpless

i felt

100 like i was so small

and you just look and i say my father

you know

even says that you know we call him big

terry he was always big terry and i was

little terry and this is how we referred

to each other all over the house and my

my older brother is my half brother

so he was smaller than me

and we were just i just always felt tiny

i remember just looking at his hands and

they were big giant calloused hands and

the way he'd walk around the house you

just hear boom boom boom you know

it was a drama you know it was it was

like man this man could rip me apart

and i had a desire to get strong

i knew i had to protect one day would

have to protect my mom protect my family

because i remember

the nightly news and they would always

tell you all the horror stories you know

so-and-so kills his whole family you

know

i was always look at the tv and i would

say you know

i think my father could do that

i mean this is not the thoughts

a seven-year-old should be having but i

remember thinking

i wonder if he got mad enough would he

how would he kill us all

you know

and

because the rage would just flip

and my father was two people it was um

he would be sober on his way to work

and then he would come home

and when that car pulled up

he was he would usually go to the bar

first

and he was a different person

he was sad

he was crying he was angry he would be

listening to old soul music on the

record player and this is one of my

memories i even put in a book was just

i remember looking at him

and i looked at my father and i was

i really felt sorry for him

i just remember he coming home he's

disheveled he's been drinking

and he the pocket protector was all

messed up shirt was all undone he used

to have short sleeve shirts with ty and

the tie was off and everything and he

just sitting there and he got a beer in

his hand

and he'd just be sitting there and he

just looks so sad and i just

i walked over to him

and i kissed him on the cheek

and he looked at me

like i had an eye in the middle of my

forehead

he looked at me with such

disdain

and

contempt

and i said i'll never do that again

it was like oh man

oh and i felt like

he looked at me like

it was the worst thing i could have ever

done

and i said okay that's it like

we are clear

you and i we're clear we know i know

never to cross that you know across that

line ever again

i'll never forgot that

i mean even talking about it now it just

it shook me to my core

because i expected love and oh man it

was my son

and it was

disdain um he didn't know he didn't know

how to do it

and so

that's what it was and my whole

young life

i knew i had to get out

because i didn't want to be a part of

this super hyper religious world

there were so many things i wanted to do

i had a lot of dreams i had a lot of

goals um and one thing what was crazy is

that my mother loved entertainment she

loved it we used to sit around and watch

the carol burnett show

together as a family every saturday

night

and

i remember watching her laugh like

looking at what made her laugh what was

gonna and she crack up at carol burnett

and i said one day

that's me like i'm gonna make her laugh

like that so i would do things around

the house

and i remember her she'd be nursing a

black eye

that my father gave her and she'd have

like some frozen peas on her face

and i was just dancing in front of her

and she just started cracking up

and uh

in the middle of all that pain i saw the

ability that i had

to make her laugh during all that and i

said this is a power

in the middle of this kind of pain

that she's just she's literally in tears

laughing

at her son you know and i said

okay this is how

i'm gonna get by this beginning the

pleaser just

make everything better this is going to

cool everything out right

and that was that was most of my

existence as a little boy growing up in

flint michigan that's the context did

you ever find out where

that pain you saw in your father

originated from i did i did

um and you know what's crazy i only

found this out

literally like a year ago

which is nuts

cause he would never answer me

there's so many things

i never ever

he never answered i would ask but they

uh no big deal you know

and i did a show with henry lewis gates

called finding your roots

and he went into my family's past

and i found out

that my grandfather

he abandoned his family

so he abandoned my father and my father

had an older brother younger sister

and my grandmother had been abandoned by

him now i knew my grandmother but again

you're talking about in black culture in

america

a lot of these things were just too

painful to talk about

no one ever you could ask but you'd get

a nod you'd get go play

don't worry about it

um and no one would talk

but he found out that my grandfather had

abandoned the family

and

he was basically had robbed

a liquor store

and was on a chain gang

in

georgia which is probably one of the

most brutal

uh punishments you could get at the time

in america at the time it's a chain gang

a chain gang is when they would make you

build a highway um they would take

prison populations

chain them together

and they would be the ones that would be

clearing out forests um

clearing out paths with

with um stakes and

shovels and and it would be backbreaking

work all day long in a hundred degree

heat and he did that

for about two years but this was the

strange this was where the pain comes

from

my uncle told me that they had to they

took the school bus

to school and they had to pass the train

gang

where his dad was

and where they knew their dad was

working

and this was so traumatic for them

because they didn't want people to find

out

they would visit him in jail but

it was

you know off and on and he would act

like he didn't want to see him

it was really really just painful and

he got out and he did a couple more

things and ended up in jail again

um

and finally he died of epileptic seizure

when my father was 17 years old

and you're talking about

never really

want my father never felt wanted

never felt he was his blood son but it

just

was any you know it was a pauper's grave

um there's a headstone that's cracked

right now so it's not even a headstone

it's kind of like a

just a block with his name on it edward

cruz

and it's broken in half and i plan on

putting a proper headstone on that

sometime this year

but it's

i started to understand

i started understanding that pain

and it drove my father to drink at a

young age

and you know

one thing that we do as men

is that we we

we tend to

to numb

numb ourselves

because you you know this is a part of

you feel like you're being tough you

feel like you're being strong like okay

i don't feel that pain you know i can't

show that pain i can't

and drinking is a big big way

of numbing your pain for me it was

pornography pornography numbed my pain

um

and like i never i still to this day

i've never been drunk i've never been

high i don't i don't do that but

pornography

was something that took me

out when did you make it into your life

pornography when was the first time man

i first discovered porn at about nine

ten years old

i was over my uncle's house and

he had a chest full of pornography um

and this is the thing you know it's

funny because

you know people have said well you know

yeah there's nothing wrong with

pornography you know

with adults and the whole thing but the

problem is is that you know you never

find it as an adult

i don't know anybody who found

pornography as an adult

uh you always find it as a child it's

everywhere

and it's funny because i've been told

hey man you know

just mind your business it's all good

you know

keep to yourself that's your issue but

porn never keeps itself to itself

um i get texts today

i get texts now

people

text to me it's something like us

fishing and they text you porn and text

you

hot girls in your area now you're like i

didn't ask for this

you know what i mean but you start to

realize

that they know what they're doing

they know they can get a hook and they

know if they can get it in you and they

know

if they can get into young and this was

the thing that attracted me to porn

is that you would i would open up the

magazines and they would have comics in

them

and the comics and different things they

would have subjects like goldilocks and

you know

and snow white and

all these story a jack and jill you know

and you start to realize wow this is

really like this is stuff i realized as

an adult

that this is um

this is this is wired

they're wired to get you young you know

what i mean and to stay in there because

they know it'll never go away you know

and that was what attracted me i was and

again i didn't even know what sex was

but man

all i knew

is when i opened that magazine and saw

those ladies in that magazine and how

beautiful they were

all my problems were gone like

it was numb

like i didn't know anything about

violence about

where i was it was just like it was i

could zone away

and every problem was disappear

and i had to have it

like

when things got stressful whenever i'll

never forget because again and here's

another thing because you're going to

resist just household so you know you're

doing wrong you know it was like oh

that's bad you know

but this was also time when pornography

was in the grocery store

and it wasn't seen as something it was

just kind of like there we go and i

remember telling my mom i'm gonna go in

the store and get some milk

and i remember just

grabbing one of those magazines and i

couldn't stop until she bumped she's

like hey what are you doing

and i would just she would take me out

of this

numbing

experience i was having and i'm standing

there in the store and i told her i

would get some milk and there i was

she's like i was waiting for you for a

half hour what are you doing

but i was stuck

and that's that kind of power

that

was on me like

and i i had this addiction

for the longest time how long oh my

all the way up until 2010

right from my whole life from 19 from

literally

from the time i was about 10

to

all the way up

to about 12 years ago

and when you say addiction a lot of

people might not know what that means a

lot of people might think that means

watching porn from now now and then or

looking at a magazine now and then what

did what did that mean in reality what

was the if you've got an example of how

bad it got for you yes um first of all

it was

it was

i got a day off from

the set

so

i'm usually on location

and

i could watch porn

from

[Music]

uh probably 10 o'clock after my workout

10 a.m

to 11 p.m at night

10 a.m to 11 p.m at night it wouldn't

stop

and i couldn't stop

and i'll go from one to the next

to the next

to the next and it was

and and the fact that i knew that no i

was in a different place and no one

would know me and no one cared

i could indulge and just

it was a it was what you would call a

splurge like it just couldn't stop i

couldn't when day turns into night

and you're still watching

i knew i had a problem

i knew i had a problem and

and when you tell yourself you not that

like i'm not gonna do this anymore

and then you go right back

because what was happening i found

is

you know with the porn it was like i

need i would say okay i'm done with that

whatever and i would feel guilty

but with guilt comes shame

and with the shame

shame says and shame doesn't say you

does you've done something bad

shame says you are bad

like you this is who you are you're just

bad

so what you would do is do a bunch of

good things

and you would just work hard and

i go good for like three four days and

then you need a reward

and what is that reward because you did

so good

it's porn

and so you go back in

and the cycle starts all over again

and i found it would just keep going on

and on and on how did it impact your

marriage because you got married in 1989

listen

it

first of all i got married

in

1989

to the most beautiful woman on earth and

rebecca

i met her she's from gary indiana we met

in college i actually met in church

which was wow because i vowed i wasn't

going to be religious but what was wild

is that i couldn't get away from the

things i felt and the things i was used

to

um

and so i went to church and met her and

she was on the piano and she was the the

church leader the worship leader

and she had a child just like my mom had

a child

and uh it was a little girl

and she was only six months old and we

got married when she was two

and this was the thing

i thought that once i got married

the porn would go away i said man i got

a real woman now

oh i don't have to tell her about

anything we just gonna

you know it was a phase i'm gonna be out

of it it's gonna be great

and then the first argument

the first

well you feel like it no i don't feel

like it tonight

okay i'll be right back

oh the first sexual conflict

i'm going out to get pornography

um

and

i thought it would free i thought it was

going to be my answer to what it was but

i realized

it didn't i decided that was gonna be my

secret and then you develop a thing

where you think if you're in secret

everybody's in secret

like

i'm sure you know this is just the way

everybody is you know

it wasn't until i got into therapy that

i realized i said no no

not everybody's like that terry i was

like wait wait what what do you mean

like you don't do that you know

it was a surprise to me um

but it was no different than

any other

thing that would numb you be it alcohol

be drugs

and this is the thing too um

[Music]

you know what what i learned what i

thought was awesome was the 12-step

program

12 steps

was really established by alcoholics

anonymous but it works

for basically a lot of different

addictions i mean

and the

you know starting with the serenity

prayer which is you know

god helped me accept the things

that i cannot change and the courage to

change the things i can

and the wisdom to know the difference

well the thing was that what i got

backward in my whole life

was that i was trying to change things i

couldn't change

at all

and the things that i could

i felt i was powerless

so if you have those things backwards

it's not wisdom

you know

and

what was so

unbelievable to me i i just remember

because the the wake-up call of all

wake-up calls was what we call d-day

around our house

and it was february 2010

and my wife

uh was basically you know over the years

she was always suspicious

but what had happened is 10 years

earlier

basically in 2000

i had went to a massage parlor and got a

hand job and cheated on her

and man

i vowed vowed

that i would never tell a soul like

i was so hurt i couldn't believe i did

that like you know you think i would no

i could only do this and that you know

it's gonna stop here

but

it just fueled the walk for more

and i actually crossed the line

and when i crossed that line i couldn't

believe i did that and i knew

i said i'm gonna go to my grave with

this

i said no one's ever going to know

and

that's just the way it's going to be

well

years go by like

and but my wife was always suspicious

like you know

what what's up with you terry and i'm

like i'm good i'm good and i remember

starting arguments so she would stop

talking

because what happens is one lie

turns into two turns into a hundred

and over ten years

you forget you start to forget which lie

you told you know things start to

conflate and what makes you like mixing

up and and the pornography never stopped

it would it would be at a low but i you

know i go like a month and be like oh

wow i'm good and then

and

man

it all culminated i'll never forget

february 2010

she was like

what is it

i don't know about you terry crews

there's something i don't know

i can't

man

it broke me

because we were on the phone literally i

was in new york she was in california

and i was working on a project and now

this is another thing i want to say i

was very successful

very successful you talking rich

making money famous

popular

everybody loved terry crews it was like

wow you know mr white chicks mr this

this didn't you know it was phenomenal

money was rolling in we were doing well

and i'm like what she has to complain

about you know it's a good life you know

and the question i would ask her and i

would literally ask myself was like why

doesn't she believe me

when the question i should have been

asking is why am i lying

it's two different it's the context the

same

two different views

you know and i had blamed her for not

believing me that's

that's how deep it goes and i'm gonna

tell you

success is the warmest place to hide

because no one's going to call you on

your [ __ ]

nobody's going to say hey maybe you

should

you get a lot of psychopaths you get a

lot of people telling me you're telling

you you're right you're right i had tons

of people like man you good

in comparison to everybody else oh my

god you never hit your wife you never

you you bring the money home you do all

this stuff

but

but i was not

real i was a lie

i was living a lot

and when i told my wife

i heard this gasp on the other end

[Music]

and i was like oh boy

i think it's over and she said

you know i'm done

she's like i don't know who you are

i have no idea because see to me it

happened ten years ago

but to her it happened today

i had a few words to say about one of my

sponsors on this podcast as the seasons

have begun to change so has my diet and

um

right now i'm just gonna be completely

honest with you i'm starting to think a

lot about

slimming down a little bit because over

the last couple of probably the last

four or five months my diet has been

pretty bad

and it started to show a little bit

really over the last two months i go to

the gym about 80 of the time so i track

it with 10 of my friends in a whatsapp

group and this tracker online that we

all use together we call it fitness

blockchain and i'm currently at 81

percent um so 81 of the days i've done a

workout in the last 150 days right so

i'm going to the gym about six times a

week

that's been a little bit impacted by the

derivatio live tour but i'm trying to

stick to it

and so one of the things i'm doing now

to reduce my calorie intake and trying

to get back to being nutritionally

complete and all i eat is i'm having the

heel protein shake thank you hill for

making a product that i actually like

the salted caramel is my favorite i've

got the banana one here which is the one

my girlfriend likes but for me salted

caramel is

the one what did you tell her

i told her

that

i went to a massage parlor

in vancouver

and i got a hand job

and i said

it happened i told her i was like 10

years ago it was a long time ago

this is the one thing you don't know

why did you tell her on that day

because she always asked me like this

was the first time

you know it was a course of like

you're doing something i'm not doing

anything what are you doing like leave

me alone i'm not like i said why won't

you believe me but

it became to a point where we were on

the phone for so long and she wouldn't

let it go

a little bit it was like she wore me

down to the point of

you know like here

and let me tell you the shocking thing

about me telling her that revelation

i was like she was like i'm gone that's

it i'm out and i was like fine leave

great

thank you now we know

because i was still blaming her

i was like so you're not gonna stick

with me cool

you know what i'm terry crews i'm like

i'll get another one just like that

first of all hollywood does not care

if you lose your family in fact i'll get

three more movies they're like hey man

you have to go home just go right this

one set to the next

i said since when is hollywood cared if

you lost your family

since when has that been a career

breaker

never

in fact you get a divorce that's just

power for the course

and i was like cool

you can't handle it

you know and i had all kinds of excuses

where you know you don't understand my

upbringing i got high sex drive

um you know this thing you look at all

the women i could be having

none of that stuff worked man and all of

a sudden

and she left i remember hanging up the

phone and said don't come home i'm still

i'm not

and then there i was by myself i

remember in this hotel room

and i was with my little thing like

there it is it's over

and then a little voice was like

maybe it's me

i was like who is that you know i was

like no no first of all i just gave you

the rundown

on all the excuses on why it it

i had to do what i had to do because

that's what i needed

it's you terry

she's got nothing to do with this

and man

it was like cracking an egg and i was

trying to seal it

but the goop was going all over the

place and i'm like uh uh i'm trying to

put an egg back together

and i can't do it

i went damn it

it is me

it is me

like i lied

like

i was lying the whole time

and

what i presented to my wife

was an image

and she was married to that

but she wasn't married to the real terry

crews

she was married to the picture

she didn't know

and let me tell you man

one thing i learned which is so

important and incredible

after all this

and once me and my wife rebuilt our

marriage like we're literally from the

ground up

i learned

that intimacy

is the only thing i'm looking for and

when i say that

intimacy

really means

that someone knows you

all your stuff everything about you good

and bad

and loves you anyway

that's

all every man is looking for first of

all your mama does that

your mama knows everything

and she loves you anyway

that's why your love for your mother

will never dissipate a good mom

a good mom is always somebody that you

like

you put on a pedestal

why don't men

invite or allow that level of intimacy

well first of all

it's

it requires vulnerability

it requires you

you can't get intimacy without

vulnerability

it's impossible

because you're going to have to tell

your stuff

and imagine imagine the problem

because

if you can't tell

you'll never find intimacy

so

but that's the only thing you're looking

for

so what happens is you get sex sex and

love two different things

lots of sex

and it's always unfulfilling because

you're not

getting what you need you know what it's

like drinking salt water

you drink salt water

tastes good

feels like you're getting hydrated but

you're slowly but surely dehydrating

yourself

there's this almost apparent paradox

between when you're a man you think that

masculinity is the opposite of

vulnerability right

and you think masculinity is attractive

and also in your case

it can it can be our self-defense

through the hardest of times so the

thing that ends up being was our

self-defense and helped us to survive

ends up thing that being the thing that

stops us from being able to thrive right

in there

in their world and that like at some

point i see it on this this this podcast

the example i give is patrice evra who

was the famous manchester united

football player champion you know won

all the titles tough guy right grew up

on the streets of france where there was

gangs and he was sexually abused and he

was in a household where his brother had

an overdose and he was around that

environment and he built this like

tough exterior to help him get through

that yeah but then he gets into his

later life and has kids and he's cold

with his kids and he's cold with his

partner and then one day his wife's

nagging him and saying what's wrong with

you what's wrong with you want any

cracks

and at 40 odd years old or whatever

he was at the time he for the first time

ever tell someone he was sexually abused

by his headmaster and and about all that

pain that he had been you know

he'd held behind that shield of his

masculinity and until then he describes

the same thing until then he wasn't able

to have a real intimate relationship

with anybody

right and i think it's interesting

because so many men listening to this

you know and i was definitely one of

them um

um would have used masculinity or what

we think masculinity is as a way to

survive and to fit in and to get get

through and then it gets in our way yeah

later well i mean everything works until

it doesn't

drugs work until they don't

my pornography addiction worked until it

didn't did you tell her about that yes

i told her everything you know we had a

thing

and this is what was we required in

therapy was

the term is disclosure

and you have and you have to answer

every question she has

truthfully

and honestly

and i'ma tell you man it was like

shooting her

it was like shooting her

um

it was wild i remember in the nfl

that i look back on and i thought were

you know moments of

camaraderie but they were really it was

really disturbingly

twisted and that you know we would land

a plane you go to the strip club

and all the guys be you know you feel

like okay they're like i mean we're

going to the club we're going to magic

city atlanta we're doing it and

you're like okay are we going down there

and you go into the club and all of a

sudden there's girls out there and

they're doing their thing and then all

of a sudden one of the girls would come

off the stage

and then they'd want to talk to the

players

and it's like hey how are you doing you

know i got my kids and i'm doing it it's

like ah stop stop stop stop stop

you're ruining it

because she's talking kids she's talking

life she's talking stuff

the problem was she was becoming a human

being

before our eyes

just get back up on the stage

and be

a doll

be a picture

because pictures don't talk back

you know what i mean like you humans do

but you

be a mannequin

and you can we can manipulate you in any

way we want

but don't talk

because you're ruining it

and when i say

i've said this before and a lot of

people got on me but um

there was there's it was a thing where

we didn't really think

women were as human

as men were

that's that's a horrible

thought

but

it was everything that i was taught

um in my culture it was like hey man

when you got understand growing up in

flint in the hood the whole thing was

like hey man you better get your you

better tell your girl something better

get her in line

and you you were you owned your family

not like you served them you owned them

you owned your girl or girls

you know

the pimp mentality was praised

oh what's up pam oh that's my pimp right

there i mean these are father's kids

one of my best friends

you know his dad took him to a

prostitute

just to make sure he wasn't gay

huh

you're talking about

severely abusive behavior i don't even

you know this is another thing i even

bring it up in the book

you know

this was another thing even amongst the

women you know my mother

there was one time

my mother felt like she owned us

and i remember she made me she she

called me in the room and she said you

got hair down there

i was like what head down there she said

yeah

she said you have yes you have hair down

there

i said down where what are you talking

about there and she points at my

privates

i'm like yeah i guess and she said pull

it down let me see put your pants down

what

pull your pants down let me see

man

i'll never forget it

you know pull them down i'm looking out

the window

i'm just like trying to be somewhere

anywhere

other than here

but it was that extreme religious

controlled vibe where it was like

i control you

to the point where i can just make you

pull your pants down

inspect you

and listen

i don't think it was it wasn't sexual in

nature

but it was definitely abusive in nature

and it was to let me know

that i run this

and i remember pulling my pants up

and trying to forget it for years

for years

and i confronted my mother about it

i remember when i was grown

and again already successful but i had

already went through d-day with my wife

and going through therapy

and i called my mother i said do you

remember when you

when you made me do that she said do

what

i said ma

remember

she said i didn't do that

i said mom

you did that

and she denied it

and then my sister came in and was like

why are you trying to break up the

family are you trying to do all this

stuff in it i was like

i didn't make this up

and she said well if it if it did happen

i was young and stupid and you know and

she just tried to excuse it and this

thing because it's too painful

it's too painful

no one wants to know they hurt their

kids

but it happened

and

it was part of me getting through every

little bit and see i called the book

tough

because

remember i brought up the fact that

you know

the courage to control the things you

can

you can there's a lot you can control

about yourself

see

i was

hope like literally helpless

to do like whichever way the wind blew

terry crews was going

what else can i do this is another thing

where

you could bait me into anything

i could you know another thing here in

my culture it was that

you know if somebody called you [ __ ]

you knock them out

no matter what no questions asked

don't even hesitate

you supposed to and they would tell you

hey man you anybody call you [ __ ] knock

them out

well the thing is though

is that

usually when you do that you go to jail

you can't prove somebody calls you a

[ __ ]

unless it's recorded and then it's like

your word against but somebody's laying

on the ground you just assaulted

somebody

it's no different than if you go to a

football game and somebody does a cheap

shot and you hit them back who gets

ejected

the jail is full

of black men who were baited

by a word

and had to have to follow the rules we

got to follow the rules right so anybody

call you [ __ ] you get knocked out

but here's the point and here's the

thing that changed for me and this is

where i learned

what i could control

there are no [ __ ]

no such thing

you might as well call somebody a

leprechaun

there's no such thing as a [ __ ]

and i said holy cow

i can get mad about someone calling me

something i'm not

like

the thing i like to say is bill gates

if you call him broke

he just look at you and go

go in his helicopter and fly away you

know what i mean

he wouldn't even be threatened by that

but here's the thing

if you really do think you're a [ __ ]

that's when it affects you

that's when you want to fight

and i said but i'm not a [ __ ]

and i realized that

there was so much i could let wash off

because i examined it and i and i put it

to the test

but you got to be tough to do that

when you look back on that period what

was your lowest moment

i would have to say that the day i went

to

[Music]

that massage problem

it was law

i wrote i write about in the book i just

think

it's just and i describe it in detail

just because i never

thought i would do something like that

on my wife like

how did i end up here you know you just

look around like what in the world

you know it's like um

it's almost like having a faulty

instrument panel and you're trying to

get to

seattle and you end up in mexico you're

like what in the world

how did i do this

it was low like i that was the real

moment i actually considered suicide

like for a minute

i remember thinking

what if i just found a way to die

and then

make it look like it was an accident you

know like i was kind of thinking of

things you know after the massage parlor

yeah or the ten years ten years later

when you start speaking no no that was

after i mean that 2000 was a dark time

that's why i was like

to me

d-day 10 years later

was actually an awakening

because it all happened in one day it

was like

denial and then all of a sudden

acceptance

that i got it screwed up

um

i don't i don't look at d-day as a low

day at all i look at it as the day i

woke up the day of like wow

i was forced

to see myself as i really was because i

i had a great image of myself and it was

like oh i'm this i'm and i'm not that

bad because i'm in comparison to

everyone else i'm great

but

it didn't it did not pass muster because

she

had to be the one to dictate that

one of the other symptoms of being tough

is introduced in the prologue section of

the book where you talk about

the day where you get in an altercation

and there's extreme violence i mean

violence shows up there but but you also

see it throughout your story and the

other key moment that really stayed in

my mind and it was a very graphic scene

is when i believe you're on the way to

dinner with your wife and you get a

phone call saying that big terry your

father

has

punched your mother again

and her tooth is turned in her mouth

tell me about that phone call

man

first of all i i made my father vow

i said man look i'm bringing my kids

this is the first time i'd actually been

in hollywood this is post nfl i have

already had a job but my first job was a

tv show called battle dome where i

basically beat people up uh it was like

american gladiators on steroids um

they put me in a cage set the ends on

fire and i would take three contestants

and pummel them it was i mean hey look i

know about violence okay and i could do

it um

and so i came back home for christmas

and we call it the christmas from hell

and so we were there and

we're going out to dinner with some

friends and detroit is about 45 minutes

from flint and we were driving to

detroit with me and my wife to go see

our friends and we get a call we're

literally 10 minutes into the ride

and i get a call from my aunt she's like

oh my god you know your father hit your

mother

and i'm like what

he was drinking

somehow the holidays

brings out the alcohol you know

everybody wants to drink on alcohol it's

really activating

triggering for alcoholics

and i said did my kids see it she said

yes terry

they saw it they were real kids my kids

were there how old were you oh i was uh

i just started so i was about 31 32

years old

and um

yeah man

it was

i couldn't believe it because i told him

i said man my kids have never came up in

this they've never seen this

you know and

and i have three daughters at the time

not five now

but i couldn't believe and they were

they were just shocked they had never

been in that and all i remember is just

the

the the feeling of surreal terror

you know what i mean like this big man

is beating my mother up what do i do i

don't know you know

and then they were in there like

why is he doing this like they never

seen it

and i said damn it

man i turned that i did a u-turn i said

listen

take the kids take them over your house

make sure it's just me and victoria in

that house

understand make sure of it

she got the kids out whole thing

dude

i roll up in that house i say hey man

didn't i tell you

he said oh man shut up man get out my

face

pow

hit him dead in his mouth

and there it was i was like man

all those times you beat my mother up

all those times i was running around

five years old scared couldn't do

nothing froze up i'm bigger than your

ass now huh

how you like that pow pow

he's screaming at me to stop he's

bleeding

he's screaming and i'm just wailing on a

man and i'm like no how you like that

how this is how she felt and you're

crying while you're doing this i beat

his ass

and i'm in tears

but listen to me man

it was nothing it was empty

like

nothing i i thought

there it is i got revenge

revenge is complete

and it was hollow

it was like an empty box

it's like a big box with a giant bow on

it

what now

i was like you just beat up your dad

big deal

it didn't settle the score didn't change

him

didn't fix my mother's tooth

didn't do anything my mother moved right

back in

i was like what the

hell and so

i didn't come back home for 10 years

after that

i was tired

i i remember just being shot like

this this was supposed to be so good

this was supposed to be so sweet

it was nothing

it didn't work

and

you know one thing i discovered even in

writing this book

was that

you can either have success or revenge

but you can't have both

it's

success would have been

transcending that moment

taking your mother out of there

and just leaving him onto his own

devices

because that's a punishment you

let these people do

you know these kind of people

that stuff doesn't work

because it just makes them more angry

you know me makes the whole world blind

doesn't it it makes the whole world

blind

but

success is when you leave but revenge is

quick

i'm gonna have to say this because

there was a time

when i was will smith

when you could say something i would

have walked up on that stage and smacked

you

but when i learned how to be chris rod

when i learned how to keep control

and actually

not let things descend

into chaos

because that's what that could have been

when you look at chris and

if he'd imagine if he'd have fought back

there would have been no recovering

that would have been the end of the

academy awards i already was by the way

but

it would have been

complete bedlam

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what was the process for you to become

that man to take on your ego and i

remember reading about the moment when

you're on holiday and your daughter

spills her drink and yeah and you would

have reacted it was actually my son it

was my son yeah spills his drink and you

would have normally reacted with anger

or being mad at that moment but your

your wife actually noticed that you

didn't and she said to you you've

actually changed that was the moment

wait first of all what was it that

changed you what was the process you

know

remember this was years in

okay and it was small minor minor

changes just one after the other one

after the other

it was a process of constantly examining

you got understand like there was a

moment where i would walk outside and it

would look different like oh like the

sun would look different and it was

weird i'll never forget um coming out of

therapy

and this guy was like

they were like terry you have to learn

how to tell people no because i was a

pleaser

and so i remember being at dinner and

people were like can i get autographs

i'm like yeah and i would sign

autographs for an hour with my family

there and my my wife was like terry

we're here

we can't even enjoy it i said yeah but

these are my fans these are the people

that pay our bills and then

she's like you got you can't tell them

no

just for an hour

and i couldn't

because i was like i got to play and

there's i remember being in counseling

and

the counselor asked me she said

what if a director told you to do

something you didn't want to do i said

well i have to do it and she said no you

don't

i said yes i do

she said no you don't terry i said well

i'm an actor

he said yeah but you don't have to do

what the direct everything the director

tells you to do i said yes i do because

i'm an actor and she's like no

no you don't

she said terry

you don't have to do that i said but i

would lose my job

and she said well get another job

i said but i'm an actor

and she said terry

you don't have to do

what you don't want to do

i didn't know

especially since i was such a pleaser it

was one of them things well yeah yeah

and i'll never forget this guy came up

to me saying man can i get an autograph

and i was gonna do it i was in practice

i said

and i looked at him i said no

he said come on man come on man i said

no

no no and i went crazy the guy was like

dude relax man

and i was like shaking

it was the first time

i was exercising this no my no no

and i was shaking i got back in the car

and i said you guys i was going i

thought i was going crazy

i thought i was going crazy

but what i was doing

was dissecting

and piecing and understanding who i was

and what made me tick

and it's so thorough and it got so

thorough to the point where i was like

oh that

why do i feel angry

if someone says that

or why am i why am i insulted why

is it me or is it them

and see and once i started asking these

questions i could let it go

and i was like oh man that's got nothing

to do with me

but whereas before it was just you

insulted me and dude

the process of doing this kept going on

and on and on and on and on and on

to the point where when my son spilled

that water

i knew he was innocent

whereas before he would be guilty

whereas before

man watch where you're going you got to

pay attention

if you don't pay attention now then you

spilled this water all over the place

and then you know how much this cost

then i would have went all you know how

many i can't count to you how many

family gatherings are ruined

how many you know theme park outings

i've crushed

people in tears i'm going back to the

room

because i just everything had to be

perfect

everything had to be the way it's

supposed to be and then

you didn't do it the way i wanted it was

it was hot my way or the highway

but dude that moment he spilled that

water and i was like oh man it's okay

it's all right dude everybody on that

table was like

are you serious

and my wife looked at me

she looked at me

she said i was different

and i knew i was

after all we've been through

i'll never forget she said terry you're

different

terry i'm with you

she said i love you

i said oh god i stuck with you

because you were willing to do the work

and it was uh

that's what i knew

that's what i knew

and that's one of the biggest reasons

why i have to tell it

simply because

i don't want people to feel like they're

alone

i don't want men to feel like they're

alone i want men to feel like

it's just them

and they don't know any way out in the

whole thing i said

i have to be vulnerable i have to share

this part so that you know how far i

came

you know this i have no interest in

showing that image anymore

i have no idea like i said i

i told you earlier i've moved from

fiction to non-fiction

why did that mean so much to you when

she said that

wow

because i knew i wanted to make it right

it's not enough

to say you're sorry

it's just not enough

it's like

it's not enough to hit people in your

car

and go my bad

and pull off

but you have to understand in the world

today

you said my bad i said i'm sorry

bye

and you leave people broken

you just hit somebody with your car

and you pull off and go like my bad yell

it out

it's not enough

not enough

i damaged

my family i damaged my wife

and that's when i knew when the person i

hit

can come back

and tell me they love me and they hug me

and they know

that i was truly sorry

that's the forgiveness i always wanted

that's what i wanted

and you have to make amends

you have to do what's within your power

to make things right

and

again a lot has been said for

just yeah i said i'm sorry and the whole

thing but man it's just never enough

you have to do the work and and you have

to pay the price like you have to stay

by the stay by whoever you hit you got

to wait till the ambulance comes you got

to wait till the police comes you got to

fill out the police report

you got to own up to it

and that's what i did

what do you think your life would be

like if you hadn't looked yourself in

the mirror and started to own up to

and confront that

i i don't believe i'd be here today

i really don't

um

my temper

i would have went off on somebody

um

i don't i don't i honestly can't say i

know i wouldn't be married

i probably

you know the division is

you know hollywood and

relationship to relationship

just trying to find

somebody that would stick with me long

enough

for the pictures

um

not love man

you know

this whole thing

it's wild because

unless somebody knows who you are

and

and really really is willing to love you

um

you know

hollywood doesn't do that

he doesn't operate like that in fact

what's so crazy about hollywood is that

they'll make movies about love like

there's the main star will be like

the star will be talking about oh my god

you know there'll be like this great

movie that was all about this lovely

relationship and he's a rapist

that's this town

you know what i mean

and

it's wild

but it's real

uh

i mean

they don't make no it's the same thing

that happened to me when uh my own agent

assaulted me

and i went to the head of the motion

picture department

and i was like hey man

i said this dude you can't molest the

clients

and the guy looked at me and said he's a

partner

yeah yeah he can

your agent at a party well documented

yes came up to you and started great

grabbed my

private she grabbed my

dick basically and i'm like yo

i look i don't know what he was on

because he wasn't drunk

but he was on something okay i don't

know what it was i have no idea but he

was not

acting himself he was licking his tongue

out and acting all funny and weird it's

like he was tweaking this nervous weird

energy like somebody had a molly or

something crazy he was not there okay

and i was just like man he was looking

at me like oh my god i don't know what

was and his wife was there and my wife

was there and

again it was really weird because here

we are and this really

you know hollywood party

hot famous people everywhere

and here he's listen he's the lones

agent he's eddie murphy's agent he's

adam sandler's agent he's the head of

the motion picture department at william

morris endeavor and he lost his mind and

look i pushed him off he comes back

again i push him off again i'm like yo

man [ __ ] off me man

and

he starts laughing ah

and i'm going what

now i'm feeling so

crazy now

i'm about to put my hand through his

head

and my wife

i looked at her

and she's and this is where i went to

because my wife has seen me there's a

long trail of people who've been knocked

out by terry crews okay

so she looked at me but there was a time

a long time ago she made me promise

that i would not be violent

anymore and i was part of the therapy it

was part of what we're doing

and i realized

this was another trial

this was no different than being called

[ __ ]

this was no different

than a pull and a bait

that if i went for it

and what's so crazy is i asked people

the question like

if i had knocked him out because a lot

of people said you should have just done

it man what's wrong with you man you're

weak

but i go

would you believe me

no

no

you even you the people who say

that i should have done it

would you have believed the story

that this guy grabbed my balls

and i just whale and i wailed off on him

and he happens to be the head of the

motion picture department why would he

do that

terry crews big

superstar

probably got drunk

probably knocked him out because he got

angry

hey man nobody would believe that

but you believe me now

[Music]

because i didn't do it

when people take that you took that to

your agency the head of your agency and

you told him what what had happened and

he said

he said

well

he's a partner

and he said listen this is what i'm

gonna do terry

he said i'm gonna take his title

and he's going to be

suspended for 30 days and i went

huh

so you're going to send him on vacation

was he giving you that fake energy you

know when they're fake handling it was

this fake

it was like dealing with the devil

and he first of all when i met with him

he was like i'm going to give you a

meeting as if

the he was going to grace he was going

to let me grace his presence

because you know he owns all these

people in hollywood

and i'm like

what the hell

when people talk about why they didn't

come forward they often mention an

element of fear

yes for what that powerful individual

might do to their career or their life

or what happened even right after it

happened he told me the other day did

adam bennett called me he was like i'm

sorry i was broke and you know what

i said hey man

you got to be held responsible for what

you just did i don't know what's up so

what's up and so everybody told me we're

taking this very seriously and we're

going to be we're going to get back to

you with some with what's going to

happen nothing happened right so a year

later

when the metoo thing happens

i snapped

because i knew nothing was going down

they let them get away with it

and so

when i when i met with ari

i said hey ari

i said man

first of all you wrote a letter to mel

gibson

demanding that he be kicked out of

hollywood for anti-semitic remarks you

wrote a letter to the huffington post

you can google it right now and it tells

how he needs to be kicked out i said

look anti-semitic remarks as

reprehensible as they are are not