You all know that feeling after a

breakup where you're sitting in

confusion, hurt, and heartbreak, and all

you want is some sort of explanation

that helps the pain make sense. You

replay conversations, reread old texts,

stalk their social media, and drive

yourself crazy, searching for the

perfect answer that might make the

breakup hurt even just a little bit

less. Eventually, you convince yourself

that what you actually need is one more

conversation with your ex. I know you've

done this. I think almost everyone has

been there at some point because one of

the hardest parts of heartbreak is how

badly the mind wants resolution. When a

significant relationship in your life

ends without the clarity you need, your

brain can get stuck, spiraling over and

over trying to understand why your heart

and your nervous system are so

deregulated. Wanting a sense of closure

is natural because right now you think

closure is finally hearing the

explanation that makes the reason for

the breakup click into place. You think

if your ex could just admit they handle

things the wrong way, you'd finally feel

free enough to let go. You might even

think your ex doesn't realize how badly

they've hurt you. And you tell yourself,

"If only they could know, things would

be different." But the reality is real

closure does not come from another

person. And the journey to true genuine

closure begins the moment you stop

expecting the person who hurt you to be

the one who heals you. I've coached a

lot of people through breakups and

closure conversations. And one of the

ways that it's not been helpful is we

think more information leads to more

healing. But more often than not, more

information leads to more questions. So

when you go through a breakup, you

think, "If I had all the answers, I'd be

satisfied." Whereas what happens when

you get the answers is you just have

loads more questions. Your brain needs

to fix the loop. It needs to end the

cycle. But the problem is more

information just perpetuates more

questions. Here's the thing. Heartbreak

already creates enough emotional turmoil

as it is. And I know that coupling that

with uncertainty about why you've been

left heartbroken can feel almost

unbearable. In fact, brain imaging

studies have found that romantic

rejection actually activates many of the

same neural pathways associated with

physical pain, craving, and addiction

withdrawal. That's part of why

heartbreak can feel so obsessive. Your

mind keeps trying to return to the

source of the attachment, looking for

relief, even though returning to it is

really just making the healing time

slower. They've actually talked about

how heartbreak can feel like your heart

is actually breaking, like you're

detoxing from a drug. It's a hard cycle

to escape. You replay conversations

trying to figure out what you missed.

You reread old texts looking for hidden

meaning. You stalk social media, ask

mutual friends for updates, and decide

reaching out to them is the only way

you'll ever feel better. But instead of

helping you heal, all of these behaviors

are actually just keeping you

emotionally attached to a relationship

that's over. You're staying stuck

because the thing you want to change

isn't changing. You don't need further

analysis. You need the harder thing,

acceptance. The trap of a closure

conversation is that it makes you think

closure will come from an external

source when really true closure comes

from focusing on healing internally. The

heartbreak actually begins to lessen

when you turn the focus back toward

yourself. The hard part is your brain is

not going to naturally want to look

inward and prioritize your own healing

right after a breakup. The human brain

hates unresolved endings. Psychologists

who study the need for cognitive closure

have found that people inherently seek

certainty and we struggle when we feel

stuck in ambiguity or unanswered

questions. The brain wants a conclusion

it can make sense of as a means of

releasing constant tension. When

something important feels unresolved,

your mind will keep returning to it over

and over trying to reduce that

discomfort. That's part of why breakups

can feel so mentally all-consuming,

especially when an ending feels

confusing or incomplete. But what your

brain doesn't realize is that you may

never get the explanation that finally

feels satisfying enough, which means we

can't allow our healing to depend on

eventually receiving this form of

closure. Your ex won't give you what you

truly need. Sometimes they genuinely do

not understand themselves well enough to

explain their behavior clearly.

Sometimes they avoid difficult

conversations because they're

emotionally immature. Sometimes they've

already told you the truth, but it just

hurts too much for you to accept. I know

that might sound harsh, but it actually

should be empowering because the truth

is you hold all the power for your own

healing. Even if they give you an

explanation, your deeper emotional wound

will remain open because what you're

really searching for is emotional

safety, reassurance, and self-worth. And

those things cannot permanently come

from another person. They have to come

from within you. So, where do you start?

Even though I know it can be incredibly

painful, the journey to acceptance

begins with going no contact with your

former partner. It's not punishment.

It's not manipulation. It's not a

strategy to make them miss you. It's

truly just giving yourself the space you

need for your nervous system to begin to

regulate again. And only from there will

you be able to mentally begin processing

the relationship's end. And when I say

no contact, I don't just mean not

texting them or calling them. Don't

check their social media. Don't ask

their friends how they are. Don't try

and figure out how they're doing at

work. I know how uncomfortable silence

feels after heartbreak. This person has

been woven into your daily routine.

They're a part of your lifestyle. Losing

contact with them can genuinely feel

destabilizing. Heartbreak suddenly

shrinks your world. Your routines

revolved around one person. Your

thoughts revolved around one person.

Your nervous system revolved around one

person. And suddenly when they're gone,

there's this massive emptiness where

your attention used to go. the

foundation of your life will temporarily

upend. Research on attachment theory

shows that close relationships become

deeply integrated into our emotional

regulation systems, which means losing

that connection can disrupt everything

[clears throat] about your sense of

emotional stability. That's why healing

requires rebuilding structure

internally. Wake up at the same time

every day and do something that makes

you feel good. Move your body, make your

favorite coffee, check in with friends.

This is the time to pour into yourself

with the energy your ex was taking.

Because even though it's hard, what that

separation and silence eventually does

is force to sit with yourself again. You

start confronting the deeper questions

underneath the grief. And that's where

closure can actually begin. Ask

yourself, where did I lose myself in

this relationship? What toxic patterns

was I repeating? What about this

relationship was actually never working?

What emotional bags did it expose in me

that existed long before this person

entered my life? It's uncomfortable.

It's hard. But this is the work that

actually changes you for the better.

Instead of wondering, what are they

thinking about me? You need to start

asking what did this relationship reveal

about me? Where did you abandon your own

needs? Where did you depend on another

person for validation, reassurance, or

emotional stability? What fears were you

operating from? One of the most useful

things you can do after a breakup is

write down every moment in the

relationship where you felt emotionally

dismissed, anxious, unheard, or

disconnected. Heartbreak has a way of

romanticizing people once they're gone.

Your brain starts replaying the highs

and forgetting all the moments that were

hard or even hurtful. Writing things

down helps interrupt that distortion so

you can finally begin seeing things more

clearly. Look, a lot of us unconsciously

use the search for external closure as a

way of avoiding doing this deeper

selfwork. Analyzing another person is

easier than confronting yourself. But

the breakups that change you for the

better are the ones that force you to be

more honest with where you're at.

Acceptance that closure is internal

stops you from endlessly negotiating

with what you should do, what you should

say, how you should act. Right now, you

just need to be. It's vital that you

take this time after a relationship ends

to give yourself space to process.

Psychologists studying self-compassion

have found that people who practice

being supportive toward oneself when

experiencing suffering tend to recover

more resiliently than people who

approach themselves with harsh

self-criticism. This period of pain,

heartbreak, and confusion will pass. So

you need to look out for yourself during

it. Stop yourself from falling back into

toxic patterns, negative behaviors, or

any coping mechanisms that are just

keeping you emotionally stuck. Real

closure is behavioral, and that's in

your control. Right now, you don't

actually need the perfect explanation

from your ex. You need to behave as

someone who takes care of themselves

differently than they did in this

partnership. do the work now and you

will protect yourself the next time life

puts you in a similar situation. And I

think this is an important distinction

because people often imagine healing as

this emotional finish line where they

suddenly stop caring, hurting or

thinking about the relationship. And all

those things are true in a sense because

eventually this dark painful period will

pass. But on a deeper level, you don't

know you've actually healed until life

presents you with a future emotional

trigger. And you no longer react the

same way you used to. Look at it this

way. Relationships are cycles of

connection, rupture, and repair. In

healthy relationships, conflict or

rupture eventually leads back to

understanding and reconnection. But when

relationships end abruptly or painfully,

you can get emotionally stranded in a

place of rupture with no way to get back

to a phase of connection. People spend

years trying to emotionally understand

the original relationship, looking for

that repair in a partnership that's

gone. They want the other person to

finally understand them correctly,

validate their growth, acknowledge their

hurt, or mirror back the emotional

progress they've made. But the truth is

that repair you're seeking won't come

from a partner that's gone. It will show

up when a new relationship reflects back

the same insecurities, fears, attachment

wounds, communication patterns, or

abandonment triggers. And this time, it

doesn't end in rupture. Because this

time, you've learned to work through

these cycles in a way that's healthy,

consistent, and emotionally protects

yourself. That's closure. Big [snorts]

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can feel better and live better. Maybe

in your last relationship you ignored

red flags because you were afraid of

losing the person. Closure happens when

someone new shows you the same warning

signs and this time you walk away early

instead of negotiating yourself out of

your intuition. Maybe your old

relationship made you anxious because

you constantly needed reassurance in

order to feel secure. Closure happens

when you learn how to regulate your own

emotions instead of making another

person fully responsible for stabilizing

your nervous system. Maybe you used to

confuse nerves with passion, emotional

volatility with chemistry or obsession

with love. Closure happens when someone

enters your life who triggers those

butterflies and anxious attachment

styles. But you now recognize that as

inconsistency and not attraction.

Researchers studying post-traumatic

growth have found that difficult life

experiences can often lead to deeper

self-awareness, stronger relationships,

increased emotional resilience, and

greater clarity around personal values.

That doesn't mean heartbreak is good or

that suffering is something to seek, but

it does mean pain can become

transformative in powerful lifealtering

ways. I remember when I lived in New

York and I was 4 months away from being

broke. We had 4 months for rent and

groceries and I was under immense stress

and pressure because we had 30 days

before my visa ran out and I'd have to

leave the country. I have never dug that

deep. One of my mentors said to me that

when you're in pain, you'll realize your

potential. That moment is one I look

back on to realize how much emotional

resilience I have, to remember how much

depth I have, to remember how much

courage I have because I can't believe I

got through it. When you reflect on how

you move through difficult times, you

get more energy to move through new

challenges today. We have to look back

at moments when we did hard things in

order to do new hard things in the

future. By focusing on yourself and your

growth during a stressful, painful time,

you can save yourself years of

heartbreak down the road. Real closure

is not this cinematic moment where your

ex finally says exactly what you need to

hear and you run into their arms and

everything feels perfect for another

fleeting moment. It's months of hard

work, internal analysis, and getting

honest with yourself about the baggage

you've been carrying in past

relationships. What's beautiful is that

losing someone does not mean losing

yourself. It's actually quite the

opposite. Closure is coming back to

yourself, remembering you've got your

own back, you can trust yourself, and

you're capable of changing your own life

for the better. Closure is about who you

become moving forward in a way that

aligns with the journey to your highest

potential. And that's something your

exartner can never give you. Eventually,

the moment you once thought would heal

you, the final text, the final

conversation, the final answer stops

mattering to you because your life is no

longer emotionally centered around the

relationship anymore. It's centered

around a better version of yourself. The

number one way to get closure after a

breakup is to accept that you may never

get the apology that you deserve. When

you keep wishing, wanting, and waiting

for an apology, it keeps you attached to

the relationship. The moment you release

that desire is the moment you are truly

free. The second thing is to separate

facts from interpretations. When you

think about your memory, your memory has

all these ideas and interpretations. And

the goal is to look at your memory and

really think about the facts. Not just

the story, not just the narrative, but

the actual facts. What happened? What

was going on? What's the closest thing

you can get to the truth? When you look

at the facts versus just the story and

narrative, you actually get a sense of

what you actually went through. As I

said before, the brain has this tendency

during a breakup to romanticize the

relationship. You look back at a picture

and you only see the smiles in the

photo, but not the mindset or the

argument that you had just before. You

think about all the incredible places

you went to, but not about how much you

didn't like planning it together. You

think about all the incredible times you

had, but you forget all the arguments to

and from the event at night or the

birthday party of your friend. It's

really fascinating how the brain only

serves you up the best memories and

takes away all the hard ones. And that's

why it's important that you focus on the

facts, not just the interpretations.

This is probably the most important

advice I can give you on closure. Say

the unsaid

even if they'll never hear it. A lot of

us feel that we wish we could have one

more conversation with that person. We

wish they could hear our pain. We wish

we could tell them how we felt. And many

of us may never get that chance. But say

the unsaid.

Write a letter. Share what hurt you

experienced. Share the pain you went

through. Share the dreams you had. Share

the grief you're experiencing. Share

everything. Write it down. Leave it on

the page. It's so important to get out

of your head and onto paper because

otherwise your mind will just spiral and

crash out. And so many of us get lost in

that overthinking and over evaluation,

maybe even thinking that we'll run into

them one day, but you have the ability

to get it out on the page. You can then

burn it. You can throw it in the trash.

You can even send it to them

energetically to realize that you've

passed it on. It's so important to feel

that transfer from your energy to

theirs, from your heart to theirs, from

your mind to theirs, and to not limit it

by physical proximity. You may never see

this person again. You may never get to

have this conversation, but that doesn't

mean you don't get to feel the emotions

when you put them onto paper. And

actually, when you do that, that's the

process that helps you feel and heal.

That's why it's important. It's not

important because we somehow believe

through some fluffy version that they're

going to feel the impact of this. They

won't. But what we do know is that you

get to feel and experience the emotion

of saying it to them, which for you and

your heart and mind is so so important.

One of the biggest mistakes we make

after a breakup is that we keep opening

up old wounds for new evidence. We read

our old messages hoping to find new

answers. We read old cards in order to

discover new red flags. We look back at

pictures and our camera roll and our

WhatsApp thread in order to hope that we

can find a new narrative. All that does

is keep you stuck in that relationship

even when it no longer exists. It's like

being embedded into something that is no

longer real, but being so immersed in it

that it feels that's all that's real.

The more time you spend gathering more

information, the more stuck you feel,

the more lost you are. And with that, we

also imagine different endings,

different things we could have said.

What if? What if they said that? What if

I did this? Why didn't we do this? All

fair questions worth asking. But

important to realize that they don't

have impact. They don't change the

reality. And it's that lack of control

that affects us so deeply. We want

things to go a certain way. That's how

we all are as humans, me included. And

when things don't go to our plan, we

wish they would change. And that's pain.

Pain is the difference between your plan

and reality. That is what pain is. That

is what you're experiencing. And all we

have to do is realize that it was

beautiful we had a plan. It's amazing

that you have dreams. There's nothing

wrong with that. But we have to come

back down to reality in this situation.

There's a famous quote by Steve Maraboli

that says when people show you their

true colors, don't try to repaint them.

A lot of us spend a lot of our time

after a breakup trying to repaint

someone another way. who we thought they

could be, the potential they had, the

incredible journey we could have had

with them, but they have shown us what

they want in reality. And that's what we

have to learn to accept. When you're

going through a breakup, I want you to

allow yourself to have contradictory

feelings. Often, we're trying to find

one narrative. They were bad. I was

good. They wasted my time. I was naive.

The reality is some days you're going to

think, you know what? It was all their

fault. And some days you'll think it was

all my fault. Some days you'll probably

think, "I wish they had done this." And

some days you'll probably think, "I wish

I had done that." It's okay to hold both

truths at once. I think that's actually

what's going to make closure more

possible. Closure is impossible when

we're just trying to find one answer,

one lane, but then we keep debating

ourselves. Whereas when we accept, I

miss them, but actually I realized they

weren't good for me. I loved them, but

we weren't right for each other. I

deeply respect and admire them, but they

weren't my person. Accepting both truths

frees us from this binary prison that

has no solution. Ask yourself, what did

that person create in your life? Was it

comfort? Was it adventure? Was it

regulation? What was it? And then go and

find the thing that does that for you.

See, what a person did is they played a

role in your life. And the role they

played is what you're missing. It may

not feel like that right now, but that's

really what's going on. And I'd like you

to go and find a place. I'd like you to

go and find a community. I'd like you to

go and find a hobby, if that's what it

is, that makes you feel that energy,

that makes you realize that you can

still have adventure in your life. You

can still have joy in your life. You can

still have excitement in your life. You

can still have support in your life.

This is really one of those moments that

you realize who your real friends are.

When you go through a breakup, you

realize which friends you ignored and

which friends stayed. Because there were

some people that you stopped talking to

because you were too busy with your

partner. And there were some people that

stood by your side even when they felt

neglected. Don't neglect them now. Don't

ignore them now. Don't put them off.

Reprioritize them. This is the best

piece of advice I can give you after a

breakup. Measure progress differently.

We think that progress after a breakup

is that we're over it and we've moved

on. It might be that you just think

about it less. It might be that you now

see the truth. It might be that you

don't cry every day anymore, just once a

week. It's noticing this small tiny

progress and acknowledging it so that

you know you're moving forward when it

feels like you're just stuck. That makes

all the difference. If you're going

through this right now or you have a

friend who is, please share this with

them. I hope you'll discuss it together.

And remember, I'm forever in your corner

and I'm always rooting for you. If you

love this episode, you're going to love

my conversation with Matthew Hussie on

how to get over your ex and find true

love in your relationships. Make a list

of the things that are truly important

>> for you to finding a partner and then be

that test.