today we're going to talk about the

science of self-control and

evidence-based techniques to boost your

self-control so the basic problem here

is that you want to do stuff right you

want to eat healthier you want to

exercise more you want to wake up on

time you want to go to bed on time you

want to spend less time on your phone

but the problem is that you don't really

listen to you right and so what we end

up doing is we try to find Solutions for

our problems and you'll maybe do a

Google search or watch a YouTube video

about how to eat healthy or how to

actually go to bed on time hey y'all I

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today's video and making mental health

content on the internet free and so we

end up trying to fix these problems

individually but in the back of your

mind you probably know that if you could

just be better at controlling yourself

all of these things would get better if

you were better at self-control you'd be

able to eat healthy you'd be able to be

more motivated at work you'd be able to

suppress and control your burnout and so

then we end up doing things to try to

boost our self-control like sometimes

we'll even take supplements that are

supposed to be cognitive enhancers or

we'll do really hard things like take

cold showers because taking a cold

shower is hard and if I can force myself

to do it then I should be able to force

myself to do all of the other stuff and

it turns out though that that doesn't

really work because if cold showers

increased everybody's self-control then

we'd have a lot of data supporting that

and everyone would be taking cold

showers it turns out that if you look at

it scientifically what cold showers make

you good at is tolerating cold showers

and that's what's so elusive about

self-control that we can get good at a

particular task but that doesn't

actually translate over into the other

parts of our lives and the reason for

that is because we have haven't really

understood the science of self-control

until now and there have been a couple

of in my opinion revolutionary studies

that have completely changed our

perspective on self-control in fact

they've shown us that self-control

doesn't really exist and paradoxically

it's through understanding this that we

will learn the best scientifically

validated methods to improve our

self-control and if this is so

revolutionary why haven't you heard

about it and why aren't people talking

about it there are a couple reasons for

that the first is really simple it's

actually really really hard to

understand because it completely changes

our perspective on self-control and the

second thing is that the discovery isn't

sexy at all in fact it is quite

disappointing and at the same time now

that we know this now that we literally

understand where self-control originates

in the brain we can actually do things

to significantly boost our self-control

so let's start by understanding what we

do know about self-control so a couple

thousand years ago a group of yogis

sitting in India basically discovered

something that awareness precedes

control and when I teach this principle

either as a psychiatrist or a meditation

instructor I kind of point out that okay

if you kind of go to the dentist and you

get something numbed up you can't feel

your mouth anymore and if you can't feel

your mouth anymore you can't control

your mouth water will spill out talk

like this you can't really like

understand what people are saying people

can understand you right so I sort of

use this kind of analogy that okay if

you get something numbed up you can't

control it anymore and it turns out that

while that analogy seemed really good

it's actually wrong and it goes way

deeper than that in the 9s and 2000s

there were a group of psychologists who

tried to figure out what is going on

with self-control what is it really

because the basic idea that we had at

the time was that self-control is

essentially like a personality

characteristic it's a part of who you

are and if you've got the right genes

and if you've got the right upbringing

that if you're 20 years old and you've

been raised with discipline then you

will continue to be disciplined we

thought it was a fixed aspect ECT of who

you are as a person and this group of

researchers basically discovered that

it's not a fixed aspect of who you are

as a person but a diminishing resource

it's not something that's on your

character sheet as a trait it's actually

like a Mana bar that can be depleted

over time and this sort of makes sense

right because we kind of know that on

some days we're able to control

ourselves but on days where there's a

lot of stuff going on and we have to

exert a lot of self-control when I've

had a really rough day at work and I

want to yell at my boss and I strain

myself all day at the end of the day I

can't bring myself to eat a salad and I

just order a pizza and I sit down and

like I'm just done with the day so they

basically discovered that the more

self-control you exert the more it

depletes and once researchers had

figured out that it is a diminishing

resource naturally the next thing that

they looked at is what diminishes

self-control the most and what we

basically figured out is there are two

things that severely severely drain your

self-control the first is emotional Reg

regulation so if you spend a lot lot of

time suppressing or regulating your

emotions if you want to tell someone to

go screw themselves and you have to hold

that in then you will diminish your

reserve of self-control that's number

one the second thing which reduces

self-control is stress because let's be

honest stress is bad at everything

stress is bad stress is bad stress is

going to reduce your self-control but

they literally found that they found

that people who were in more stressful

situations had a lower reserve of

self-control and could not exert that to

do healthy behaviors and that kind of

makes sense right because stress makes

everything worse and then there were a

group of researchers that showed up and

said okay what can we do to boost

self-control and no surprise meditation

helps us boost self-control because you

should meditate more if you meditate you

will be more in control more in control

but then like I said earlier this gets

us back to the original problem where if

I had the self-control to meditate every

day I wouldn't need to meditate every

day if I could force myself to sit down

then I wouldn't be in this problem in

the first place and this is where we

come to the truly revolutionary research

so a group of scientists sat down and

they sort of figured out okay so we know

that emotional regulation and stress

reduce our capacity for self-control

then they ask the question what's going

on in the brain when emotional

regulation and stress actually drain our

self-control which part of the brain is

actually being drained and they used

something called an EEG which is

measures the electrical activity of the

brain and they discovered something

really fascinating that there's this

part of our brain called the anterior

singulate cortex and the anterior

singulate cortex is responsible for

monitoring internal conflict and what

they essentially discovered is when we

stop monitoring our internal conflict

our capacity for self-control goes out

the window so this was kind of a weird

finding because it sort of suggested

that self-control isn't really a thing

but simply that what self-control really

is is our capacity to monit monitor

internal conflict and if you sort of

stop and think about it you'll notice

this right because when do we exert

self-control we only exert self-control

when there is an internal conflict so

generally speaking in human be Behavior

I have an automatic impulse I want to

eat a slice of pizza and then there is

another part of my brain that says

actually we should eat a salad and in

that moment when you exert self-control

there is actually a conflict because

between one part of you and the other

part of you that's literally why we call

it self-control because you are trying

to control yourself and the self

actually wants to do something else now

we've assumed based on our subjective

experience that there's actually a

control aspect going on but it turns out

that that's actually not the case it

turns out that what these researchers

discovered is as long as the conflict is

being monitored we will be in control

but the moment we stop monitoring the

conflict we lose all control and you may

may have actually noticed this because

it sounds kind of weird right but just

like pay attention to your particular

circumstance where you fight a battle in

your mind and then as long as you're

fighting that battle you're still sort

of in control but the moment that you

stop paying attention and the moment the

battle disappears is the moment that we

lose control now this is where we think

that the reason we stop monitoring the

battle is because we've lost or we've

won right that's what we sort of assume

the battle is over that's why I sto

paying attention and this is completely

natural because the two happen really

closely together we stop thinking about

it after we lose right and then we kind

of give into the behavior but it turns

out that it's actually the other way

around it is that when we stop

monitoring it that's when we lose the

battle and you may have kind of noticed

this that in the back of your mind

you're kind of arguing with yourself but

you sort of like eh and then you stop

thinking about it and before you realize

it your phone is in your hand and you're

kind of waving it around and you're

scrolling in bed before you realize that

you've turned on the light or opened up

your tablet and You' started to watch

watch something and even working as an

addiction psychiatrist when I talk to

patients about their relapse they don't

relapse after a long and drawn out

Battle of like resisting resisting

resisting resisting resisting you kind

of give up in your mind and you kind of

stop thinking about it and then you're

engaging in the behavior before you even

realize it and so this is exactly what

the researchers discovered that conflict

monitoring is self-control but hold on a

second okay what about all this stuff

around emotional regulation and stress

because we know that those two things

deplete self-control the most but you're

telling me that simply monitoring

conflict is self-control how does that

relate and it turns out that it fits

perfectly so if we look at emotional

regulation what are we literally doing

in emotional regulation we are

suppressing our internal emotions I want

to tell my boss to go screw himself but

instead of paying attention to that I'm

I'm going to shut off that part of my

mind and shockingly when I shut off my

internal awareness I shut off my ability

to monitor conflict and as I shut off

the part that is responsible for

self-control shockingly my self-control

worsens so emotional regulation fits

perfectly because literally what you're

doing is shutting off that conflict

monitoring part intentionally so that it

getting pissed off doesn't take control

and actually cause you problem right so

that sort of makes sense that as we

suppress our internal awareness we will

lose the capacity for self-control what

about stress though so stress is also

something that fits perfectly because

when we are stressed out literally what

our brain is doing is externalizing our

attention when you are stressed out you

are not thinking or paying attention to

this you are paying attention to the

problems outside that are going to screw

you right so when I'm stressed out about

a test I'm not paying attention to the

internal environment I'm thinking about

the test when I'm stressed out about my

boyfriend or girlfriend breaking up with

me I'm not thinking about how I feel I'm

thinking about how do I prevent This

Disaster so now we see another really

interesting point of evidence which is

that when we are stressed out literally

what our brain does is externalizes our

attention to solve the problems that

cause us stress and shockingly when I

externalize my attention what do I stop

paying attention to my internal conflict

so we actually see that this old

research about emotional regulation and

stress causing reductions in

self-control fits perfectly with this

model that conflict monitoring is

literally self-control and so what does

that mean for you a couple of really

simple things the first is that the more

of your emotions that you have to

suppress the worse your self-control

will get and this kind of makes sense

because if we look at addiction

Psychiatry the more emotionally

turbulent someone is the more more

likely they are to use and relapse and

not control their behavior the crappier

your life is emotionally the more likely

you are to give into bad behaviors binge

eat comfort food when do you need

comfort food when you need comfort when

do you need comfort when there's Badness

in here so the first thing that we've

got to do is learn how to alternately

regulate our emotions so this can be

everything from going to therapy to

journaling to taking walks but what you

need to understand is that you cannot

improve your self-control if you are

emotionally turbulent that fixing the

emotional turbulence is the same thing

as improving your self-control that's

number one number two what about stress

because this is where we could say but

okay Dr qu are you saying that as long

as I'm stressed out that I won't be able

to control myself and that's where the

science really comes in and says not

quite because I'm not saying that you

have to solve all of your problems but

instead what you need to do is re

internalize your awareness and this is

the mistake that we make when I'm

focused on solving problems let's say I

have a a final coming out up and I'm

afraid to fail it what I start doing is

stop paying attention to myself I stop

paying attention to my Hunger signals I

stop paying attention to my fatigue

signals I stop paying attention to

everything in here because I'm so

focused out there so it's not that you

need to fix all of the problems in your

life to gain self-control it's that you

need to re internalize your awareness so

anytime you're feeling stressed out try

to take 15 minutes 20 minutes 30 minutes

to just check in with yourself sit down

or go for a walk and just ask yourself

how am I feeling right now just take

take a moment to literally re

internalize your awareness just pay

attention to what's going on and then

you may say but Dr K that won't be

enough even if I pay attention how do I

start doing healthy things and this is

the Revolutionary and confusing thing is

that the two are actually the same

literally all you need to do is increase

awareness of the internal self as you

increase that awareness you will be

boosting that conflict monitoring system

in the anterior singulate cortex it's

not that self-control is separate from

awareness it's that the two are actually

exactly the same thing so as long as you

can pay attention to your internal

signals literally your self-control will

improve because the circuits are one and

the same what we subjectively experience

as self-control is different from what

is actually going on in the brain so a

good example of this is if I'm nervous I

will say I have butterflies in my

stomach but I don't literally have

butterflies in my stomach it is just the

way that I subjectively experience

nausea or anxiety or whatever and

instead there's an actually discreete

neuroscientific mechanism and so if you

kind of stop and think about it the

solution to getting rid of butterflies

in your stomach is not to remove the

butterflies in your stomach it's to

address what's actually going on in the

brain and so even if you accept that you

may be saying okay so I need to

internalize my awareness when I'm

stressed out but then what how do I

exert self-control and this is exactly

why this is so hard to understand you

don't actually need to do anything else

that self-control and awareness of your

internal State specifically awareness of

conflicts within you is literally the

same thing as self-control and that

sounds really confusing because

subjectively that's not really what it

feels like right and this is exactly

what the problem is is

as we try to figure out how do I control

myself we don't find any good

evidence-based answers because one none

of them exist and now we actually come

full circle to meditation because why is

meditation so good at improving

self-control because when I'm doing

meditation all I'm doing is paying

attention to my breath that's not

controlling my breath it's not resisting

my breath it's just paying attention and

that's literally because these two

functions are the same in the brain so

it turns out that the yogis actually had

it right all along and even what I was

saying earlier about awareness precedes

control is actually incorrect it's not

that awareness precedes control it's

that awareness is control and so the

last thing that you can do which I know

sounds crazy is actually meditate but

even in this way you don't have to do a

formal meditation practice literally the

muscle of self-control is the muscle of

conflict monitoring so all you need to

do is pay attention to your internal

conflict and the more that you s with

that conflict the more you will be able

to exert control and the last thing that

I'll leave youall with is if you even

kind of think about the times in your

life where you exert self-control you

kind of are aware of that conflict and

then you kind of have this idea of just

do it right you kind of make up your

mind and you just do it and so if we

sort of stop and think about it then it

becomes easy you're like yeah I just

woke up one day and I just did it and so

everyone on the Internet is telling you

to just do it but that's hard because

you don't know how to just do it and

that's the beautiful thing think if you

look at every person who has decided to

just do it all of that just doing it was

preceded by a very high awareness of

internal conflict and if we're talking

about someone who overcomes an addiction

what we literally do in Psychotherapy is

become aware of that conflict over and

over and over again and then one day an

addict wakes up and becomes sober they

just wake up and they just do it and so

if you want to do that for your life and

develop self-control what you really

need to do is actually not just do it

you're trying to solve the wrong problem

which is exactly why it doesn't work

instead all you need to do is pay

attention to your internal conflict and

the longer you can be aware of it the

more in control you will

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