I quit porn, gaming, and every dopamine

hit, and now nothing makes me happy

anymore. Has anyone else felt that void?

So, one of the most bizarre lessons I've

learned working in addiction psychiatry

is sobriety does not fix addiction. You

know, when I was like training, I would

have patients who would shoot up

heroin. And I was in Boston, so there

was a lot of K2 usage, which is like

synthetic marijuana, right? It's a lot

of opioid addiction, a lot of K2

addiction, a lot of aderall addiction,

marijuana addiction, alcohol addiction,

right? And so, like, we have this idea

that, okay, so if you're using

substances and it's messing up your

life, the way to fix that is to stop

using substances. And like makes sense,

like sobriety is great. But then I had

like a problem with my patients which

was or my patients had a problem which

is that even if they after they do all

the behavioral stuff to fix their to

attain sobriety sometimes they're left

like this which is like yes I'm sober

and being sober is like better than

using because when I was using my life

was a mess. I was homeless, like, you

know, running out of money on probation

at work. Like I I, you know, had nowhere

to live. Like I was buming money off of

people and like, you know, my parents

like I was like I had to move back in

with my parents and like so life when

you're like a bad addict. My life was

empty. I wasn't progressing in life. I

have all these goals. I'm not moving

towards them. I'm kind of stuck in this

mess. And so it's like, okay,

bro, get sober. But then people get this

other problem, which is after they're

sober, life doesn't feel fun. And so

like in some ways it's better to be

sober, but it's also like there's

something missing when you're sober. The

joy, the zest, everything feels great.

It's just not as fun. And so there's

almost this like posts sobriety

depression that my patients, some of my

patients would go through. And this is

where I, you know, I love neurobiology

perspectives on addiction and stuff like

that, but this is where I think there's

some cool stuff from the field of

psychology. And this is not just a

problem with people who become sober. So

I don't know if you guys had this kind

of growing up. So I grew up in a small

town in Texas and there were people who

like peaked in high school. like this

guy was like, you know, homecoming king,

quarterback for the high school football

team, kind of peaked in high school,

sort of went to college, got a

scholarship, wasn't good enough, sort of

washed out, and then he's like trying to

reclaim that former glory. Another good

example of this is someone who gets

caught up with the one who got away, had

a relationship, everything was fine,

relationship ends, this person moves on

with their life and and and my patient

is stuck. They can't move on. So this is

like a problem where I don't know if

this kind of makes sense. Some human

beings have something in their life that

they really love and then when that

thing ends

they feel empty. And so we're going to

talk about fundamentally moving on. So

if you're someone who has difficulty

moving on, right? And and by sobriety,

and this is like kind of what I mean

about addiction is, and you all kind of

know what I'm talking if you've been

addicted to something, which is that

like the high of that thing is so

good and you go chasing it. Even

after you're sober, you're like, "How do

I find that zest?" And people will tell

me and and I have patients who do all

the right stuff, right? I'm I'm

telling meditate because meditate brings

joy and inner peace. Meditate more.

You'll find bliss. Blissed out, baby.

Let's get blissed,

right? And people used to do like LSD or

psilocybin or things like that. And

they're like, "Hey, I've heard that

meditation can have these spiritual

experiences, too. So, let me try that.

Let me go to Dr. K, and Dr. Okay. Is

going to teach me this esoteric

meditation and then I'm going to have

these spiritual experiences and then

it'll be like I'm back to LSD or

psilocybin without having LSD or

psilocybin. The core thing is you want

to go back to that thing, that feeling.

And then the problem is you look for

other things, right? You're like, how do

I find joy without drugs? Like what game

is going to give me scratch that itch?

And nothing does. No person lives up to

the one who got away, right? Some

studies so show that crystal meth, you

guys want to know why people get

addicted to crystal meth, it increases

dopamine transmission by 1,000 to 10,000

times normal dopamine transmission in

your pleasure circuits in the brain.

And then we're looking for something

like that. When people hear about our

coaching program, their first response

is usually, "Why would I work with

another human being when I can watch

YouTube videos all on my own?" Working

with a coach is about amplifying your

time and effort. We're great at wanting

things and even making some progress,

but we usually struggle with follow

through or have some kind of setback.

And that's exactly where working with a

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unique needs. Check out the link in the

description below to see if coaching is

right for you. This is a weird

fundamental psychological thing. But if

you are someone who's fundamentally

stuck and looking for life to have zest,

we're going to go back to our boy, the

one, the only, the sigund. Okay, this is

from his original paper of mourning and

melancholia. And I want to read y'all

something. Okay, so I'll explain this

cuz it's Freudian language which is hard

to understand. Reality testing has shown

that the loved object no longer exists

and it proceeds to demand that all

libido shall be withdrawn from its

attachments to that object. The demand

arouses understandable opposition. It is

a matter of general observation that

people never willingly abandon a

libidinal position, not even indeed when

a substitute is already beckoning them.

Let's talk about libidinal energy.

Here's you. So, here is the object.

Let's say winning at big gamba THC. Um,

meth. So, here's like, okay, this is

this is like some fundamental

psych psychological stuff, okay? But I

really want to try to explain it and I'm

going to try. So here's you and here's

some object outside of you and then what

happens is this object

brings you joy. So then what happens is

you invest in this object. You have this

fundamental energy. So the libidinal

energy is the energy of like enjoyment

and emotional investment. So if you guys

think about something that you're like

addicted to, you're emotionally

invested. you have a relationship with

that thing, right? So, it's like the

game or the gambling or the weed is how

I feel alive.

It's how I feel joy. Like, I'm invested

in this thing. This thing is the source.

It's where I put my joyful energy in my

emotional engagement. Right? And I don't

know if this kind of makes sense, but

when you're like really into drugs,

there's all kinds of other that

you're just not invested in. There's

your job. There's your family. Sometimes

there's even your lover, right? And

you're just not, it doesn't, it's not

where your mind is. It's not where your

energy is. It's not where your

investment is. You're just like, you're

a addict. So, this is what

you're thinking about all the time. Now,

here's the really messed up thing. When

this thing goes away, and this paper is

about mourning and melancholy, right?

So, he's talking about mourning. So,

this can even be a person. So this can

be you know my glory days as a football

star. This can be uh the one who got

away. All this stuff is kind of the

same. It is the the fundamental energy

of investment into a thing. The thing

that we get attached to the thing that

brings us joy and pleasure. Do you all

see how this is like all kind of one

thing? Now here's the problem. When this

thing goes away, when this person dies,

when the football career ends, the one

who got away gets remarried. Even though

this thing is gone, our emotional energy

is still stuck in this pipeline because

you think about it. And then once these

things are gone, we look for other

things like, okay, meditation, can can I

get meditation to fit in here? We look

for fundamentally, we always look for a

replacement of that thing. That's the

key thing. We want to replace that

thing. We don't want something else. We

only want that thing. I'm looking for my

former glory. I don't want a new glory.

I want the former glory. I don't want to

listen. I don't want to enjoy music in

this way. In this white noise way. I

want to enjoy music in that way. Like

the feeling of drugs when they hit,

baby. You know what I'm talking about?

When it hits. When it hits. And you know

you are in for a good time. yeah.

Chasing the dragon. Oh my god. It's been

so long since I've used I've been sober.

Oh my god. I've been sober for 6 months

and I relapsed.

Oh, thank God. Let's go. Oh my god. All

my receptors are back to baseline. I

have no tolerance anymore. Oh my god. I

relapse. It feels so good. Even

Even when I was sober, right, I was

still attached to this. I was looking

for the replacement, baby. I was looking

for the replacement and nothing. I tried

to get this thing to fit in there and it

didn't fit. And I tried to get

this thing to fit and it does fit

inside, but it's only this small. I want

this whole space, man. Come on.

I want that love again. Right? So even

though we're sober, even though we're

single, even though we're healthy, our

fundamental investment is still here.

Make sense? So the demand arouses an

understandable opposition. It is a

matter of general observation that

people will never willingly abandon a

libido position. Okay, what does that

mean? That means that once this is

over here, I'm not going to give this

up. I don't want to give this up because

if I abandon this position then all this

stuff is just in here and this doesn't

feel good. There's no libidinal

attachment to anything like there's just

it's just empty, right? So I I want to

find a replacement. I don't want to just

have nothing because I have no

attachment over here, no attachment over

here, no attachment over here. So it's

just like if I just give up drugs then

I've got nothing. Uh, the opposition can

be so intense that turning away from

reality takes place and clinging to the

object through the medium of a

hallucinatory wishful psychosis. Now,

what the hell does that mean? That means

that even though we know this is gone,

right? Oh, like the one that got away,

he's married now. This is gone and never

coming back. We are still hoping. We are

still looking for a substitute even

though it's gone. Even though it's gone,

even though we're sober now, we're still

hunting for something in here. We don't

want to give it up. You guys know what I

mean? Like, if you're sober, you still

don't want to give it up. And this is

why people say, "Hi, my name is Alo. I'm

an alcoholic. My last drink was 32 years

ago, and I'm still an alcoholic." What

does that mean? Is it a neurobiological

genetic predisposition to get addicted

to alcohol? Sure. But it is also this.

It is also this. Normally, respect for

reality gains the day. Nevertheless, its

orders cannot be obeyed all at once.

They are carried out bit by bit at great

expense of time and kathetic energy. And

in the meantime, the existence of the

lost object is psychically prolonged.

Okay, we'll explain what this means.

This is the key sentence. Each one of

each single one of the memories and

expectations in which libido is bound to

the object is brought up in hyperfected

and then detachment of the libido is

accomplished in respect of it. Okay,

what the hell does that mean? So let's

just pick marijuana. When I form a

libidinal attachment

to marijuana, okay, so like I'm

invested. Like yeah, let's go. We think

that when we're sober this is gone, but

it's not gone. I'll tell you this thing

is actually a thousand things. It's the

sound of music. It is the joy of video

games. And it's also different kinds of

joy. It's a MOA. It's an FPS. It's uh

storybased game. It's a cutscene, right?

And it's different kinds of music. It's

appreciating reggae. Appreciating Snoop

Dogg. Appreciating maybe classical,

right? And it's also feeling

normal instead of socially anxious. It's

being able to lay down and enjoy falling

asleep. You guys like get me? What we

get invested in is not a substance. It's

not a joint. It's not a gummy. It's not

a pill. What we get invested in is all

of these experiences.

And there are so many of them. And so we

think we've conquered the thing. It's a

way of life. Ah, beautifully put. It is.

It is a way of living. And if it is a

way of life, it is a person. It is your

way of life. Then what happens is not

only I I like this, it's a way of life

because all of this stuff when we lose

it gets internalized, this is what Freud

says, into the ego. So here's the

example that Freud gave gave with

morning. So when there's a person that

we lose and let's say we love this

person and we're angry with this person,

what happens is like we kind of polarize

them. We have all the love for the lost

person over here, right? Because we we

don't speak ill of the dead, right?

Because when people die, they become

saints. And so all of this anger towards

this person has nowhere to go and it

becomes internalized. So all of this

emotional energy which includes love and

anger they can't receive it anymore. So

it actually comes into us. So when we

lose marijuana or we lose fentinil or we

lose gambling we lose some like we lose

a part of ourselves like we get tied to

that loss like that person is gone. That

person who was riding high and on top of

the world that person is gone. So here's

the tricky thing. What we need to do is

something called decoexis. So this

energy needs to be withdrawn and pulled

back into us. And when we do this, we

have nowhere for the libidinal energy to

go. We have nowhere for the emotional

investment to go. So this life is gray.

You may think like, oh, when our my

libidinal energy is within me, does that

mean that I feel fulfilled? No, it's

actually not. This is it just has

nowhere to go. So when we kind of go

back to this passage for a second, they

are carried out bit by bit at great

expense of time and kctic energy and in

the meantime the existence of the object

lost object is physically prolonged. So

what does this mean? This means that

this process remember this over here how

so each of these happens one step at a

time. So, okay, I'm going to give up

MOBAs, and then I get a little bit of

kathetic energy back, and then I'm going

to give up FPS, and then I get a little

bit back, and then I'm going to give up

story-based games, and then I get a

little bit back. And then I'm going to

give up, oh my god, social feeling

normal. Whole little bit back. And if

you guys have experienced mourning, you

kind of know what I'm talking about,

right? Because you don't like the person

is dead, but you mourn them in slices.

I'm still mourning my dad

because my dad, you know, he he he

passed away the year I got into medical

school and he was so happy that I was I

finally got into medical school and he's

like, you know, I'll look you would be a

great doctor one day. And then sometimes

when I like get accolades for the work

that I do, I really miss my dad. So

these things, right? So and and if

you've been addicted to something, you

kind of know because like it's it's like

death by a thousand cuts. It's like this

thing has changed and now this thing has

changed. So I'll give you all an

example. So, you know, I have a patient

who's addicted to alcohol. And alcohol,

it's not just giving up alcohol. It's

giving up barbecues. It's giving up

happy hours. It's giving up boozy

vacations at all-inclusive resorts. It's

giving up cruise ships. It's giving up a

nice glass of wine when you're touring

through Napa Valley. It's giving up when

your friends travel to France and bring

you a bottle from the Bordeaux region of

France and they bring you a beautiful

gift. It's giving up going to Vegas with

your boys. It's giving up having a beer

at a football game. It's giving up such

a large part of life and we don't want

to give those things up. Right? So when

when Freud says the demand arouses

understandable opposition, we don't want

to pull back. It is a matter of general

observation that people will never

willingly abandon a libidal position.

Not even indeed when a substitute is

beckoning them. So Freud says, even if

you've got an alternative, you don't

want to give it up. You don't want to

give up barbecues and football games and

feeling frisky and going to Vegas with

your boys, you don't want to give all

that up. Like that's what life is.

And this is the problem when we don't

give it up because then it has nowhere

else to go, right? So it's hard to give

up and it's it has to be given up a

thousand different ways. And the most

important thing is giving it up means

entering this state, the state of gray.

Truly giving it up. And that's what

needs to be done. Once that libidinal

energy is back within you, once it's

truly been withdrawn, there's an there's

absolutely a gray zone. But now you can

form a new connection. Now a thread can

go over here. And now a thread can go

over here. And now a thread can go over

here. And now a thread can go over here.

And then life can start to have joy. But

this object is different. And this

object is different. There's never going

to be this object again. But you can

have other objects. And here's the key

thing. The joy, this is the hard part.

Hopefully I'm it makes sense now. The

joy from drugs doesn't technically come

from the drug. It comes from your

libidinal investment in the thing. This

is where the joy comes from, not the

drug itself. And I'll give you all an

example, right? Because I'm a gaming

addict. You guys know like when you

grieve when a video game ends, right?

And then you're looking for that next

game. You're looking for that emotional

attachment, getting lost in this world

that has good mechanics and leveling up

and progression. Like you get swept

away. You are in that thing. now.

And as long as you are making

comparisons to that last game, as long

as you're making comparisons to that

ex-boyfriend, as long as, like, sure, I

got an award for making the most money

at work in my used car. I'm a used car

salesman and I got an award for getting

the highest sales in February of 2026.

Whoopde do. Doesn't touch going

allin when you have a 4% chance of

victory. when you've got two outs left

and hitting it big, standing up to the

world and saying, "Oh man, I'm so

fucked." And then getting getting pulled

out of that into a victory, snatching

victory from the jaws of defeat.

I sold some cars. Whoopde do.

It's only whoopde do because

your libidinal energy is still in that

thing on some fundamental level. You are

still chasing that thing. You've not

withdrawn from it. You really haven't

given it up. It's absent, but you have

not given it up. This is that window in

between sobriety and happiness. And so,

this is the most painful thing cuz Freud

says it and it's true, right? We really

have to give it up. And that doesn't

mean I don't mean behaviorally which is

an important part of like addiction

recovery like you helps to be sober to

give it up but even you I've seen cases

of of decoexis even when someone is

actively using you can even argue that

so I don't know if this makes sense this

is what's like actually really

cool I never thought about this like

this before but this is I don't know if

this makes sense okay so let's say the

drug is over here you have all this

libidinal energy towards it here's the

cool thing if you give it up even when

the substance is present now you're not

invested in it and this probably happens

like I I've worked with so many patients

who will say you know one day I woke up

and enough was enough they

psychologically separate first they say

I'm done psychologically this is over

it's finished I'm severing my libidinal

attachment I'm done I'm done I

want it hurts I'm in withdrawal I've had

patients who have had both cancer and

been in opiate withdrawal and they've

told me opiate withdrawal is way worse

than cancer I'd rather have cancer and

chemotherapy over opiate withdrawal any

day of the week. But you sever that

attachment first and then the behavior

will disappear. It's so tricky. But

here's the key thing. If you are someone

who feels like life is gray, life is

empty and nothing brings you joy. Sure,

there is a dopamineergic neurochemical

component where that'll balance out

within weeks to months. Fine. But for

some people that doesn't even do it.

That pull is still there. The siren song

is still there. You're still invested in

it in your being.

You haven't really given it up. And

that's what absolutely has to be done on

this level. You have to give it up and

give it up forever. And then you ask

your mind will ask you the question, if

I give it up forever, does that mean my

life will be empty and gray? And the

answer is yes. And you have to do it

anyway. You have to accept this as a

state of life. Then the libidinal energy

will will grow within you. You'll feel

really bad and then it'll find another

thing to invest in. And the simplest way

to put this is you can't fall in love

with somebody else until you've truly

given up on your ex, right? So simple.

You have to make space for other things

in your life. And as long as the craving

for that first thing is there, as long

as that libidinal attachment is there,

ain't never going to work. questions.

Oh,

I love the question. Okay. What if my ex

is my soulmate? If ever I have heard a

question that rep represents a libidinal

attachment, it is that one. What is a

soulmate? What is the concept of a

soulmate? The concept of a soulmate is

someone who has all of your libidinal

attachment. It is the libidal attachment

that makes the soulmate beautiful.

You guys see the It's so good, man. Oh

my god. I I I love being with

y'all so much, dude. The demand arouses

an understandable opposition. It is a

matter of general observation that

people never willingly abandon a liinal

position, not even indeed when a

substitute is already beckoning them.

Here you are at work with another

soulmate ready to go who's into you. But

oh, what is the concept of the soulmate?

The soulmate is what your mind

consciously tells you when you have a

liinal attachment to someone else.

Beautiful question. Yeah. So, what steps

can I can take to give up on something?

Great question. So, a couple of

different things.

The first is recognize that giving up on

something is not multiple steps towards

one thing. It is a thousand one step

things, right? So your attachment

towards a thing is all of the things

that it was in your life. How do we

mourn? We go through Christmas. We go

through birthday. We go through oh

watching the next season of the show

that we were watching together. It's

it's death by a thousand cuts except we

have to go through it. Actually, it's

life by a thousand cuts. That's what it

is. That's how you start living again.

That sounds I can't tell if that's

social media, tweet, Instagram worthy.

Oh, life by a thousand cuts.

A so wise or Oh my god, Dr. K, you're so

brilliant. Life by a thousand cuts. But

that's what decathaxis really is. It's

life through a thousand cuts. A thousand

tiny severings. And this is the brutal

part of it is what you have to do is say

this is gone. Stop looking for a

substitute. And then you will feel empty

and so be it. This is what life is.

Life is empty. Now life is over. Love is

lost. Now here's the key thing. When

life becomes empty, people will take one

extra step that will mess them up, which

is life is empty forever.

Right? And that's what keeps us

attached. Okay, let me show you what I

mean. Libidinal attachment to object.

When we withdraw it, life is empty. And

so we don't want it to be empty, right?

We don't want this state. And in the

avoidance of this state, we keep it

there. That's precisely the absence of

morning. We don't want to be here. And

there's the problem is there's a gap

between being here and being here.

This may never happen, right? And so

when Freud says the order cannot be

obeyed at once, they are carried out bit

by bit at great expense of time and

cathic energy. So what you have to do is

give that up. And then the problem is

that once so here's the thing, okay?

Once you're here, this feels like

forever.

And since this feels like forever and is

intolerable, we end up going back this

way. And if y'all have gone through a

breakup where like you lost your

soulmate, you you hopefully and you

bounced up

uh you know bounced back on the other

side, what you discovered is that there

was a period of time where you thought

you would never love again,

but then a couple years go by, you meet

someone new and oh wow, I can love

again.

I found my soulmate once in my life and

I'm the luckiest person on the planet

because I f found my soulmate twice. And

that's the problem, right? is when we're

in this state. I don't even know how to

explain this. I'm high. The stuff that I

used to enjoy feels amplified. The stuff

that I used to genuinely love just feels

gray and unsufferable. You have to be in

that state. And then the libidinal

energy, this is the cool thing, the

libidinal energy won't stay that way

forever. It has a natural tendency to go

and form attachments with things.

But you have to get through that period.

That's how you mourn. You give it up.

And you don't just stop doing the

behavior. That's the whole point of this

lecture is that stopping to do the

behavior will leave you gray and sober.

You have to accept that gray and sober

is a way for life and you have to accept

it wholeheartedly.

And then the libidinal attachment will

start to go somewhere else.