that no cherished outcome is actually a

line from a translation of a Celtic poem

and it's called the Celtic poem of

approach and as well as I understand it

these are lines that were spoken when

you're meeting new people and when

you're moving out of one area into

another tribe's area or you're you know

you're going to be interacting with

people in a new way this this beautiful

poem of approach that I really love and

I'm I'm probably not going to get the

whole thing right but it says something

like I will honor your Gods I will drink

from your well I bring an undefended

heart to our meeting place I will not

negotiate by

withholding I am not subject to

disappointment I have no cherished

outcome and how do you apply that then

to your own lives what led you to hold

on to that particular piece it's my

highest aspiration that that poem and

that spirit is the foundational

agreement of all my

friendships and I say those words I have

no cherished outcome a

lot to my friends and I hope that I mean

it you know and when I start feeling

hurt or resentful or excluded or

misunderstood I'm like sometimes the

only way you can find out that you had a

cherished outcome is when you didn't get

it like you didn't like it like

sometimes I discover that where I'm like

I think I'm just easy breezy and I'm

just hanging out and then I'm like oh I

I had a secret hidden cherished outcome

because something didn't happen that I

wanted and now I'm all like bent about

it so so now I get to examine my

resentment and ask myself whether I

really want to honor I have no cherished

outcome or whether I want to

sulk I seem to be better at no cherished

outcome in friendships than I am in

romantic relationships almost the it

relationship becomes a romantic

relationship I have a list as long as my

arm of cherished outcomes and all of a

sudden I can be disappointed and all of

the sudden I don't bring an undefended

heart to our meeting place but with

friendships which I have over time

discovered to be actually the true loves

of my

life I seem to be a little bit better at

at taking responsibility for myself and

trying not to put outcomes on people why

do you think that is that there is such

a difference for you between the number

of cherished outcomes you might hold in

romantic relationships versus

friendships is it because at least

culturally speaking here in the US there

aren't as many stories or scripts

related to

friendships versus romantic Partners or

would you explain it a different

way I think that that my thing has

always been and this is why it's been so

interesting for me being single and

celibate by choice Over The Last 5 Years

there's nobody to blame which is so

great and I think that it's that the

minute somebody is attached to me as my

partner I do this weird outer body thing

where I hold them responsible for

whatever mood I'm in and so if I'm

feeling great it's because they are the

greatest and if I'm feeling terrible

it's because they are the worst and it's

so unfair and and one of the really

beautiful and educational things about

spending a lot of time alone is like oh

these oh these mood cycles and these

depressions and these Euphoria are

happening this is like a weather system

that's happening that isn't related to

anybody and it turns out all those years

when I was analyzing those poor people

in my relationships and holding them to

account for the fact that I felt kind of

not right you know it was like oh I

haven't been with anybody in 5 years and

I I felt not right when I woke up this

morning and there's no one to pin it on

it's so great I love it it's like I love

not having anyone to pin it on I hate

pinning things on people but I don't

seem to know how to not do it once we're

in a romantic relationship should come

with a warning yeah a lot in life should

come with a warning