And this is freaking genius. I've taught

it to millions of people. It's curing

people's anxiety.

There is nobody like Mel Robbins. There

is nobody. If I hadn't done what I did

that morning, my life would have gone in

a totally different direction. I'd

probably be divorced, I'd probably be an

alcoholic, my family would be torn

apart, no idea what I'd be doing for a

living or where I would be.

I finally had the experience

of being in my body

and being safe and being okay.

And I hadn't had that in a really long

time.

Um

So, you asked me in the beginning

kind of what is it that that created all

of this insider, this drive to figure it

out.

I think I just figured it out. You You

just [ __ ] did it.

They call her the female Tony Robbins.

But she's so much more than that.

She's one of the most incredibly

vulnerable, honest, introspective,

wise people I have ever met in my entire

life. And she's written three

best-selling books that offer a very

simple solution to have a transformative

impact on your entire life. I first

found out about Mel Robbins some 7 years

ago when I watched a video of her

talking about how to motivate yourself

every single day. And when my team told

me that she was coming to London for a

short trip, I said we have to get her on

this podcast. There is nobody like Mel

Robbins. There is nobody. I've never

seen Mel Robbins cry during an interview

before. But in this podcast

it happens again.

We have an epiphany.

Mel removes her glasses. She begins to

cry. And it's an incredibly touching

moment. I think for a lot of you, this

is going to be the favorite podcast on

this channel that you've ever listened

to.

So, without further ado,

I'm Steven Bartlett, and this is The

Diary of a CEO.

I hope nobody's listening.

But if you are,

then please keep this to yourself.

Before we started recording, I said a

lot of nice things about you just a few

seconds ago. And um

I talked about how sort of introspective

you are, how much you've achieved, your

your remarkable ability to speak about

ideas and things you've discovered in

yourself.

Um you really are a standout individual.

And so, whenever I meet someone that I

consider to be a really standout

individual, it always begs the question

to me, having a small background in like

childhood psychology, what is it? What

was the cauldron in which Mel was

sculpted that made you the person you

are today at the very start of your

life?

I

I guess that

I'm trying to think about like there's

no defining moment.

Because I had great parents who did the

best that they could with what they were

handed in terms of their own childhoods

and patterns and thinking. And uh I grew

up in a tiny little town where nothing

really happened. But one thing did

happen, and that was in the fourth

grade, I was uh a family kind of ski

trip thing. And uh in the middle of the

night I woke up and one of the kids was

on top of me.

And yeah, like on top of me molesting

me. Like we're going here like fast. I

mean, you asked like what was the thing,

and this was like the first thing that

popped into mind.

And um

it was interesting because

I didn't remember the experience for a

very long time.

I did not remember that this had

happened until I was in my late 20s. And

if you look at the spectrum of what can

happen to somebody in terms of sexual

abuse, which unfortunately is very

common

experience for people, this was a very

mild experience. Like it wasn't anybody

that I knew, it was a one-off, it was

another kid. So clearly something was

happening to this kid in their life. It

wasn't scary, it was confusing. But I

was awoken

from a state of sleep.

And I immediately felt and knew that

something was wrong. And it's my first

experience in my life of what

psychologists call dissociating. I

literally left my body. And I rolled

over and I don't even remember how it

ended because I wasn't in my body to be

there. And the very next morning, I'll

never forget this, I hid underneath the

sheets cuz it was a big bunk room and

all the kids

left to go downstairs to get ready to go

skiing. And I remember waiting until I

thought it was quiet. I threw the

comforter off, I went down these steep

stairs, I turned the corner and there

was my mom. And she was cooking

breakfast with some of the other moms

and she turned around and she said,

"How'd you sleep?"

And I immediately,

Steven, wanted to tell her.

And out of the corner of my eye,

I saw the kid.

And in that moment, split-second child

brain,

I froze.

And as much as I wanted to tell my mom,

and I knew exactly what she do. I mean,

she grew up on a farm, she had a spatula

in her hand, she would have hit that kid

in the next week.

But I didn't know what the kid was going

to do.

And in that moment, I lied.

And I said, "Fine."

And the day went on and nothing

happened.

And I believe whether it is a

30-year-long struggle with anxiety

or a tendency to disassociate or the

fact that I was chronically lying when I

was younger in any moment when I felt

uncertain.

I had no idea how that singular moment

set me on a course

that would last decades before I

realized that all of these patterns of

behavior that I was struggling with. I

didn't know why I lied. I didn't know

why I felt so uncomfortable if I

couldn't predict somebody's reaction. I

couldn't understand why I would leave my

body so many times. I couldn't

understand why I had very few memories

from my childhood. It wasn't until I

started to understand human behavior uh

the way the brain learns patterns, the

way that you need and can break patterns

and replace patterns and learn new

patterns that I began this journey that

I've been on for the past 10 years of

understanding my own breakdowns, my own

heartaches, my own struggles and sharing

what I'm learning with anybody who will

listen.

How's that for an answer?

Did you ever tell anybody when did you

first tell someone about that incident?

Well, I never told anybody because it's

like I forgot about it in that moment.

Like I just suppressed what had

happened.

And

there were lots of times in my life when

I was a teenager, when I was in college,

when I was in law school, particularly

in law school because my anxiety just

came to a huge crescendo in law school.

Just completely out of control with my

thoughts, with how I felt in my body.

I had not been diagnosed yet with

anxiety or anxiety disorder

and had not been medicated. Did not even

know anxiety was a thing. So this would

have been 1992

through 1994.

And um

I didn't even remember it.

And so I didn't even remember this

incident until I was 28 years old and I

was sitting in like kind of one of these

life improvement seminars where you're

in a windowless conference room and

everyone's got a name tag on and there's

a person up front and this woman stands

up and she was talking about how she had

been molested when she was younger by a

babysitter that her parents hired. And

the story went on how she had been in

therapy for a long time. She was

starting to deal with the trauma of the

experience. She had forgiven the

babysitter.

She had forgiven her parents, but she

could not forgive her sister.

And the person leading the seminar kind

of looked at her and said, "Why

what's wrong with your sister?"

And she said, "Well, I'm so angry that

this babysitter

was choosing me.

And while I'm in this room getting

abused, my sister is out there watching

TV."

And

when she said that, I had an immediate

memory.

And there was this triggering moment

where I

I was sitting in this windowless

conference room at the age of 28, but I

was physically in that bunk bed.

Because what I remembered in that moment

was oh my god, when I woke up in the

middle of the night with this kid on top

of me, I looked to my right, my younger

brother

was sleeping in the bed right there.

And my immediate thought was, "I don't

want this person to hurt him." And

that's why I rolled over and stayed

quiet. And so it was that

it was this woman telling the story

about her sister that triggered me to

remember it. And as soon as I remembered

it, oh my god, I told my brother, I told

my parents, I you know, I just started

talking about it. I I think that one of

my um one of the things that I'm

grateful for is that I process things by

talking about it.

Once the dam is open, baby, like the

floodgates are coming. Like I just and

and so I tend to process things by

speaking about it. And for me, it wasn't

the

um incident itself

that created a lot of grief for me.

Because I know, based on the work that

I've done as a crisis intervention

counselor working uh with victims of

domestic violence, the work I did uh as

a criminal defense attorney working for

Legal Aid in New York City, and the

amount of training that we got, um and

also just the amount of uh work I've

done and studying that I've done on the

subject of psychology and human

behavior, I know that when a kid is

doing that to another kid, it's being

done to them. So, I even at the age of

28, I didn't even have any anger toward

the person that did this to me.

My anger was at myself.

Why didn't I remember this? Why why am I

so [ __ ] up? Why couldn't I have

remembered this like the constant

self-bashing.

That is the piece that um

I think has been the thing that I've

really struggled with.

Why am I so [ __ ] up? Yeah, why am I so

[ __ ] up? You know, there's um

there's this incredible thing about the

human design. So, when you think about

human beings and you know, as a as a

parent, so my husband and I have three

kids, uh one's 23, uh another one's 21,

and then our son is 16.

And as a young parent, I would often

feel this incredible sense of awe. Like,

it is remarkable

how many babies are born. When you think

about how many things have to go right.

You know what I mean? And the design of

a human being.

And there is so much elegance and beauty

and sophistication and genius to the

human design. It's just

shocking.

But there is one fundamental flaw

that screws up everybody.

And that is that when you're a little

kid

and things happen to you,

you do not have the life experience and

you do not have the support system

to be able to process what is happening.

And it could be anything. It could be

something as serious as homelessness and

poverty and systemic discrimination. It

could be violence. It could be abuse in

your home. It could be addiction, mental

illness. It could be chaos in your

household. It could be sexual abuse. It

could just be a mother or a father who's

so freaking critical or who is

passive-aggressive. So you wake up as a

kid and you have no idea

what you're going to wake up to.

But when something goes wrong or

something happens to you as a kid, you

don't have the life experience or the

support structure to basically go,

"Whoa.

This situation is [ __ ] or these

adults, somebody call the police. Like,

this is not okay. You don't get to talk

to me like like no kid does that. The

fundamental flaw in human design

is that when something happens to you as

a kid, you don't say, "What's wrong with

that kid?" or "What's wrong with my

dad?" or "What's wrong with this

situation?" You say,

"What's wrong with me?"

We aim it back at ourselves.

And then I think that, you know, this

then starts to build as a thinking

pattern that there must be something

wrong with me.

That you aim everything that's happening

out there

back at yourself.

And you did that through your early

early adulthood, right? I think

everybody does. I really do. I I think

that that, you know, when you're um

growing up, I believe that this happens

around the age of eight or nine or 10.

That, you know, no human being is born

and hates themselves.

We're actually wired for love. We're

wired for connection. Um you know, if

you look at a kid who's two or three or

four, right? And they see a mirror,

they don't look at it and go, "Ugh, my

thighs are so fat. Like, I can't, you

know." They look at the mirror and they

put their hands up and they twirl and

they kiss the mirror and they they love

the sight of themselves.

And you and I don't remember this, but

we loved the sight of ourselves, too.

And what happens because that's your

natural state.

That's your

wired state, in my opinion. You are

wired for self-love. You're wired for

self-acceptance. You are wired for

self-worth. You're wired for

self-respect. You're wired for

resilience. I mean, when you think about

uh a baby, none of us remember this, but

you will literally fall down 77 times an

hour and you'll just keep standing back

up. So, this resilience, this sense of

empowerment, this sense of really being

proud of yourself, of loving yourself,

it is part of your design, your DNA,

your birthright, but life happens.

And it can happen two ways. You know, if

you grow up in a chaotic household, you

start to absorb the message that

something's wrong.

And so, you go into modes of behavior to

protect yourself, and these patterns of

behavior that you create to protect

yourself get locked in your brain.

But for everybody, so if you grew up in

a in a wonderful household like I did,

if you grew up in a place that you were

very safe like I did, you still are

going to experience some kind of trauma

cuz trauma's deeply personal and trauma

at its at its simplest form is just a

moment when your nervous system

gets dysregulated. A moment where your

whole body turns on an alarm. And when

your whole body turns on an alarm,

whether it's uh-oh,

there's the car pulling on the gravel

driveway.

The person that drinks and comes home

and is abusive is pulling in.

Or uh-oh, mom's got that expression on

her face, I better not say anything.

It can be small moments, big moments,

but when your nervous system goes into a

state of alarm, your brain kicks in to

let's record everything in hyper speed

so we can remember this so I can protect

you in the future. And that pattern

locks and that's why so many adults

continue to stay trapped in patterns

from their childhood that they don't

even remember

why they have them, how like any of it.

But for everybody, so that's sort of

like if you grew up in a chaotic

household, which I didn't, but I think

what happens developmentally is, you

know, there's this moment when we're in

elementary school and none of us

remember it, at least I don't remember

it, but it happens to everybody.

Where one day you walk into elementary

school and you're like loving yourself

and you're happy as a clam and you're

just kind of walking up to whomever and

you like yourself and you love yourself,

so you'll go up to anybody. You'll sit

with anybody in the cafeteria. And then

I don't know

what the hell happens,

but the next day

you walk into that cafeteria, you got

your little hands on your tray, and you

start scanning the room for where you're

going to sit, and all of a sudden that

brain that is wired for self-love and

self-acceptance, flips into the sorting

hat from Harry Potter.

And you all of a sudden see

the world

in

the places that you belong

and the places that you don't.

And that's how it begins.

And your mind starts to tell you you

can't go there, you don't look like

those kids, those are the sports kids,

they're going to

as a way to protect you.

But the message that you start to get

from your own brain or from society at

large or from what's going on in your

household is that who you are is not

okay.

When I was reading about your story,

you're talking about education and and

schools,

um it seemed that you were quite, I

don't know,

disorientated in college.

When you went to college and you were

struggling to figure out who you are and

if that resulted in quite significant

procrastination and

Oh my god.

Yes.

Um so I, you know, I'm very open about

the fact that I struggled with anxiety

for a long time. Yeah. And um

what's interesting about anxiety is

that, you know, I'm I'm now talking to

you from the perspective of being 53

years old.

I was like really [ __ ] up. And by

[ __ ] up, I mean not that I was like

stealing cars or breaking laws or doing

anything like that, but I was not

comfortable in my own body.

And the way that I would describe it is,

I think from that moment, literally,

that moment in fourth grade that I just

shared with you, it makes me really sad

to think about the fact that I was just

a fourth grader that had a traumatic

experience.

I didn't know,

but my nervous system remembered.

And so

anytime

I went to bed, I woke up the next

morning with the sensation in my body

that something was wrong.

And any pattern of behavior or thinking

that you start to repeat becomes a

habit. Habits are just patterns. That's

all that they are.

And so I had a life experience because

of one incident where I would wake up

every single morning and feel like

something was wrong and I couldn't put

my finger on it.

And the more that you wake up and think

something's wrong, the more your brain

is going to find reasons why something

might be wrong. And so I developed this

sort of chronic state of feeling

on alert.

Feeling the sense that I got to be

aware. Fight or flight. Yes. Yes, my you

know, in in clinical terms, my

sympathetic nervous system got switched

on.

And I had no idea how to turn it off.

And if you don't know how to calm your

nervous system down, to flip off the

sympathetic nervous system and flip on

the parasympathetic nervous system,

which is your calm, grounded, resting

nervous system,

you will forever struggle with focus,

with being present, with the ability to

think clearly and make good decisions.

You will constantly talk about the fact

that you feel anxious and that comes

from your nervous system always being on

edge and being in fight or flight. I

didn't know any of this. I was just a

nervous kid with a nervous stomach.

Every camp that I went to, I got sent

home cuz I was too homesick. Oh, yeah. I

mean, I was just I mean, you know how

homesick you have to be for trained

counselors to actually call your parents

and go, "Uh, we got a problem here. She

can't stay here. Like she is

out of her mind."

When you say out of your mind, what what

are the physical symptoms or verbal

symptoms of that? Oh my gosh. Um

complete dis- disassociation. So I would

be at camp, like literally sixth grade

camp. So at the end of sixth grade year,

and I feel I feel bad for little Mel

Robbins. I feel bad for her because, you

know, here's this this experience, sixth

grade camp, where the entire school for

four nights goes away to a camp, just

the sixth grade. It's supposed to be the

culmination of your sixth grade year.

And I am so freaked out that something

bad is going to happen.

That I of course escalate things in my

own mind. I don't even feel like I'm at

camp. I feel like I'm walking on a movie

set. I don't feel like I'm on Earth. I

feel like I'm on a spaceship somewhere

looking down all the time.

I

uh feel like I might throw up cuz my

stomach is rattled because when you're

anxious and you can't focus your

thoughts, you tend to not eat, and so

that of course upsets your stomach. It's

not that something bad's going to

happen. It's that you're screwing up the

chemistry in your stomach by not eating

cuz you're so nervous, which only makes

it worse. And as your mind is scrambling

thinking something bad is going to

happen, and then your stomach is

hurting, then you start to think, "Oh my

god, I'm going to throw up." And then

you start to think, "Well, if I throw

up, something bad's going to happen, and

then the kids are going to laugh." And

like it just becomes

spiral this spiral train wreck, and that

is the state that I lived in.

And so um

you know, you learn how to cope. You it

becomes your new normal. But that was

basically my life, constantly feeling

like something bad was going to happen,

constantly feeling like I wasn't really

present, constantly lying or fibbing

about how I felt or what I was thinking

because I didn't want people to judge

me. I mean, it's awful.

And then you come through college and

you've got to make that choice in life

as to which direction you're going to go

in. It's kind of it seems quite

Choice. I love the choice, yeah. Yeah,

well, it is. Well, how would you define

it?

Um panic. Panic, yeah.

Yeah, cuz I didn't know what I wanted to

do. Yeah. Cuz I had only ever lived in

survival mode. Hm.

So, did you did you not take a pause to

decide to sort of listen to

Take a pause?

who you were and what your your calling

was and Take a pause?

When you have anxiety, your whole mode

of living is if I'm on the move, no one

can catch me.

If I am on the run, I'm safe. And so,

what's interesting is that I think the

only time in my life that I have

actually slowed down

was during the pandemic.

Hm.

Does that sound familiar? Yeah, of

course, yeah. Yeah, no choice.

Yeah. And one of the hardest things,

which became one of the greatest

realizations

is

truly coming face-to-face with myself

and realizing

that even though I have done all this

work to heal trauma, even though I have

uh

done extraordinary things in terms of my

own thinking patterns

that there was a level to which I was

still on the run.

That I was darting off to a coffee shop

or darting off to Target or darting off

to an airplane.

And all of this racing around

kept me from having to truly stop and

stand with the woman in the mirror.

And just be still and figure out, well,

what do I really want?

How do I really want to feel?

You talk about the topic of distraction

and procrastination and it's rarely in

this context, but it sounds like a form

of distraction.

Distracting yourself from the from

taking a moment to to confront thyself

and

um yeah, to really ask some of those

questions which I guess if you're in a

fight or survival state

um the answers to to some of those

questions might be

maybe illuminating to a vulnerable you

know to a to

to an extent which will make you feel

vulnerable and unsafe because those are

pretty like existential questions to ask

yourself. To look at yourself and say

who am I and what do I want and you know

how do I get it? It's much easier as you

say just to be swept by the tide. Mhm.

And that's a form of short-term defense.

It feels like a short-termist we'll just

get to tomorrow.

You know? Yeah. And some people go

through their lives doing that, right?

was. Yeah. I was. You know, I think that

there's also sort of layers of healing

on issues. And so you know when I

remembered the sort of initial incident

and I started kind of string together

holy cow like all of this is connected

in a really interesting way.

Um compounding itself, right?

Yeah.

Talking about it

is one layer.

And it's a super important thing to do.

To give yourself the gift of sitting

down with somebody who is licensed or

who has an expertise in helping you

unpack what happened.

Because it's only in being able to talk

through what happened that you have the

ability to start to free yourself from

what happened. Like if you can't reveal

it you're definitely not going to heal

from it.

And so I had done the layer of talking

about it. And then I had gone and done

the layer even underneath it of

understanding

what had happened and understanding how

it connected to anxiety and how it

connected how trauma connected to that

and understanding the lying piece. And I

had even gone and done the layer

underneath that, which was starting to

interrupt the old patterns that would

get triggered and put in new patterns,

but it wasn't until recently

that I went to the layer that you need

to go to to truly heal,

which is to repair

the nervous system.

And, you know, what what is uh

interesting to me about kind of even the

whole journey is that, you know, I've

had layer after layer after layer. For

me,

talking about it was very freeing.

And, you know, people always say to me,

"Oh my god, you're so relatable." Like,

we open up boom right out of the gate. I

tell you something that normally

somebody reveals like an hour in. It's

because I have a level of freedom around

it. And I also know it's a shared

experience that so many people can

relate to on some level.

Um

but it wasn't until I understood how it

impacts your nervous system and the

connection between your mind, body, and

spirit that I began to realize what I

think it was Michael Pollan or Tim

Ferriss on one of his podcasts said,

which is

if you didn't talk yourself into this

[ __ ] you're not going to talk yourself

out of it.

Like, you have to have a corresponding

physical intervention

if there was something physical that

disrupted your body state to begin with.

And that makes a lot of sense to me. It

makes a lot of sense to me that if your

nervous system or your brain recorded an

experience, like I can give you a benign

example. Uh for people that don't that

have never really kind of thought

through what trauma actually means, why

it's deeply personal, how it's a

physical experience, not just a mental

experience. So, when I was um God, how

old was I? I I guess I was I must have

been in high school. We were driving to

northern Michigan, and it was a huge

snowstorm and my mom was behind the

wheel.

And my dad and my brother were in the

car in front of us.

And there was a radio on and um

all of a sudden the radio announcer said

something about black ice.

And this truck pulled out to try to pass

us.

And right as he tried to pass us, you

could see headlights coming on.

And my mom said, "Oh my god, hold on."

Cuz the truck started to veer back in.

So I remembered the words black ice, "Oh

my god, hold on." And the next thing I

remember,

we were in the it was like a SUV, the

car rolled over, right? Several times.

And the experience of being in that car

was like um imagine sitting in a dryer

and you're sitting still like

but the clothes are tumbling around you,

right? And so like, you know, the

McDonald's bag went flying past us and

the dog went flying past us and all this

stuff and we and

I remember

even though I don't remember getting

tumbled around, I remember this

unbelievable sound that was like crunch

crunch crunch of the car

rolling and packing down the snow.

Now we ended up with the car on its side

and I was like thrown to the backseat,

the dog was in the way back, but my mom

was buckled in

at the top.

We were fine, little shaken up. Think my

mom might have had a concussion. We

survived, nobody died.

They flipped the car back over, we

climbed in with my dad, off we went. Now

here's what's interesting about that

experience.

I was never scared to drive, ever. I

didn't ever really even think about it.

Um

but it was a traumatic experience

because my body remembers it.

And it remembers it in a certain way. I

don't ever think about the experience if

I'm driving a car. That's not a trigger

for my body to remember it.

But if I walk to my mailbox in Boston,

Massachusetts

after a freshly fallen snow

and I step on the snow and it goes

I feel like I'm back in that car.

Because that sound is a trigger for my

nervous system to remember.

Now, that sound of me stepping on

freshly fallen snow

my mom does that all day long in

Michigan and doesn't think about the

accident. But if somebody ever says the

two words black ice around my mom

she feels like she's in that car

accident. Because that's her trigger for

her nervous system to remember it. So

the reason why I tell that story is

because I didn't understand trauma.

I thought trauma was like for victims of

war. That's what you experience if you,

you know, do a tour of duty, somebody

who has been the victim of a super

violent crime. I did not realize that

trauma is a disruption

in your nervous system

that sends your brain into a mode where

your brain like holds down the shutter

on a camera and is like snap snap snap

snap snap snap snap all five senses

recording everything it can possibly

grab as a way to protect you in the

future.

When I started to understand that oh my

god patterns of behavior get triggered

by smell, they get triggered by sound,

they get triggered by music, they get

triggered by and the same thing with

patterns of thinking.

Now I had the missing piece to be able

to start to truly reset not only my

nervous system, but also the default

patterns in my mind. And I haven't

looked back since.

But that was step one um in terms of how

I stopped the cascade of the what if

this happens and what if that happens

and what if this happens and what and

what are they thinking and why didn't

they invite me here and what and the

universal thing that I started to

replace the what if with was what if it

all works out?

What if this is the best thing that ever

happened to me?

What if this is really hard and it does

suck? That's not easy. But it turns out

to be the best thing

that I ever did. It's not easy though,

is it?

No, it's very simple to do but it's not

easy and it's not easy because you love

patterns. Like we don't it doesn't

that's not even the right way to say it.

It's not easy because you're so used to

thinking a certain way. And you and as

you write about you know one of the

things I scribbled down was that

you said feelings are merely

suggestions, ones you can ignore. But we

go through life, no one's ever said that

to us before. We go through life

thinking that our thoughts are ourselves

and that is an instruction from

ourselves and that's my voice in my head

telling me what to do and I must my job

is just to obey.

So if it says, you know, this ice means

danger, then I, you know,

and we accept our thoughts and when I've

sat here with guests, you know, who have

spent a lot of time working on the brain

and understanding the difference between

thoughts and are they true and

it appears to be that you can

analyze a thought and accept or reject

which is a compelling Well,

the way that I put it

or I like to think about it is this.

You can be two things at once.

So you can have the feeling

of being really frustrated with

somebody.

And that can be true.

And you can also love them at the same

time.

You can be jealous of somebody.

And you can also allow that to inspire

you at the same time.

You can be afraid

which is true.

And you can still

find the willpower to push yourself or

discipline to push yourself forward. You

can be deeply in a state of grief

having experienced one of the biggest

losses or betrayals of your life

and still experience a moment of joy

as you're standing on the ocean and

watching some bird dive into the sea.

Human beings are very complex and when

you start to understand you're not just

one thing it gives you freedom to ride

the waves of feelings, to ride the waves

of experience and to kind of go down and

go, "Oh, [ __ ] This is a terrible

thing." and know

that you will be able to come out the

other side of it. And so, you know, I I

think that

that

emotions, yeah, they are suggestions and

that's one way to dismantle it. Another

way to dismantle kind of the way that an

emotion can hook you is to keep

reminding yourself that it's temporary.

This wave of pissed-offness, this wave

of betrayal, this wave of fear, this

wave of grief, this wave of frustration,

this wave of feeling stuck, this wave of

feeling hopeless

it's temporary.

It will come

and it will go.

And when you realize that emotions are

temporary

it also gives you perspective, right? To

know that something better is coming.

And that's going to help you be able to

endure whatever it is that you're

enduring.

Why should you drink Huel? We're going

into the fourth quarter of the year.

Diets are dropping off. We're becoming

lazier and lazier. And what tends to

happen when we when our diets dip and we

we start to become less

compelled to go to the gym is, yeah, we

get out of shape, we start to feel low

energy, we start to binge eat bad

things. And Huel is the antidote. It's

nutritionally complete, so you get

everything you need for your diet in a

drink. You get your 20 g of proteins.

You're going to get your 26 vitamins and

vitamins and minerals.

It's low sugar, high in fiber. It really

is the cure to a lot of the health

issues that we see in our personal

lives, but in wider society. If you've

never tried it, all I'll ask you to do

is give it a try. And if you're like me,

then you will like the world berry ready

to drink. You'll like the mac and

cheese, which is just selling like

absolutely correct crazy,

unsurprisingly. Um

you'll like the cinnamon.

And you'll like the banana flavor. Those

are my recommendations. I know a lot of

people love the chocolate flavor.

Let me know. Try it. Get yourself

healthy and send me a message on

Instagram. Tag me on Instagram as well

on your stories if you do drink try it

out cuz I I sometimes upload those tags.

And let me know which is your favorite

flavor. Can't wait to hear from you.

So, that was step one. I dug a little

deeper on that step one phase, which was

that, you know, the kind of mental work.

What was step two if you're level four

overcoming um the the trauma? So, the

first step was combating the thoughts in

my head.

Seeing them, interrupting them. I'm not

thinking about that. And then, you know,

I went a little bit further and then

started to figure out, well, if I think

this, I'd rather be thinking this. And

so then I started working on replacing

the thoughts so that the default became

different.

The next step though was

a deeper understanding

of anxiety.

And really studying it because I was

tired of being anxious. I was tired of

taking Zoloft. And look, Zoloft saved my

life. I mean, I was on that drug for two

and a half decades, for crying out loud.

Uh one of my kids takes Zoloft and it

helped them climb out of a hole. It is I

love medication. Like I'm not here

saying nobody should be on medication.

It's the opposite. I think that you it's

self-harm not to take medication if

you're in a hole and that medication can

serve as a ladder to help you climb out

of it. But I was at a point where, you

know, I'm 45 years old. I've been on

this drug for a long time. I've been out

teaching the five second rule. I'm

interrupting thoughts. I'm starting to

feel like, "Wow, I actually have the

ability

to not think what I have always thought.

I actually have the ability to shut that

worry down." And so as I started to

understand what anxiety really is. So

anxiety is a really important thing.

Anxiety is an alarm system in your body.

If you and I hop in a car and we drive

off to have dinner and a truck pulls

out, right, and cuts us off and you

immediately swerve, what do you feel in

your body? It feels like something

rising in my belly and it's making me

like a little burst of nervousness and

yeah. Yeah, your heart races, your

armpits sweat, your hands get clammy,

you jerk the wheel. Yeah, fight or

flight. Yeah.

The alarm is sounding the alarm cuz

there's danger.

Well, what happens the second the the

truck pulls away in your body? Well, it

should go back to a a calm state and I

should my my respiratory system should

start to function as normal, my

digestive tract should start to engage,

we should start burning the carbs again

in my belly.

Yeah, exactly.

go back to normal. That's from a

biological perspective. Yes, exactly.

And the reason why that happens is

because your mind

has the vision of the truck pulling

away. So your mind tells your body

threat is over. Mhm. For a person that

experiences anxiety

over and over and over

like at their default state

what's happened is

you're standing in your kitchen and all

of a sudden you feel that tidal wave

that you and I felt when the truck

pulled into our lane.

But there's no threat.

And so as the

rush hits your body, your mind starts

scrambling looking for what in the

kitchen is threatening me and there's

nothing there.

And since you know the science of the

body, all the blood when you go into

fight or flight goes to your major

organs, it leaves your digestive tract,

your stomach starts to gurgle. Most

people think butterflies means they're

[ __ ] No, butterflies just means the

blood left your stomach to go to your

heart and now your digestive chemistry

has changed. That's all that's

happening. It doesn't mean you're about

to die, but we misread it cuz we don't

understand it. And so then once you go,

oh I'm [ __ ] my stomach hurts and now

I'm feeling now your mind escalates it

and your mind starts freaking out. And

when your mind starts freaking out, then

your body freaks out more and that's

when the grand panic attack happens,

which is an emergency break. It's it's

designed to get you to stop thinking and

to just remove yourself. And if you've

ever seen somebody have a panic attack,

they dart around a room,

they can't breathe,

and they feel like they've got to leave

whatever situation they're in.

This is how your body's designed to get

you out of emergencies. Mhm. The problem

with somebody who gets a dysregulated

nervous system

is you feel like a truck's about to pull

in your lane all the time, but your

brain can't understand why you feel that

way

because there is no truck.

Your body just got stuck there.

And so when I started to understand

that, I found this really interesting

piece of research um from Harvard

Medical School called reframing

performance anxiety.

Where researchers wanted to know

since, you know, people really screw up

tests when they get nervous.

Right? You know, you get nervous about a

test and then you can't focus and so you

blow it because you've got performance

anxiety or athletes that really blow it

when they get nervous before in a game.

Well, medically speaking,

there is no physiological difference in

your body state, physiologically

speaking,

between being nervous and being excited.

Zero difference.

So, exactly what you talked about when

the truck pulled into the lane in the

example that I gave, that experience

that made you feel nervous,

when you feel excited, the same thing

happens. Your heart races,

the blood leaves your digestive tract

and goes up to your major organs, your

armpits start to sweat, your throat

feels tight, your hands get clammy.

Exact same physiological experience.

Excitement and nervous.

The only difference between a situation

that makes you excited and a situation

that makes you nervous is what your

brain is saying about what's happening.

So, if you're in a situation where

you're like, "Oh my god, I'm going to

screw up this test. You know, this is

going to be terrible." And you start

working yourself up, and I'm so nervous,

I'm so nervous, I'm going to blow this

interview, I'm so nervous.

Of course you're going to start

sweating. Of course your heart's going

to race.

If you and I are about to go see our

favorite musician, let's say we have

front row tickets, Adele is going to

play right here in London, we are right

there, oh my god, she's about to come on

stage, my heart's racing, my armpits are

sweating.

I'm excited because my brain's going,

"Adele's about to be there."

So, the body

makes sense in the excitement situation.

So, the researchers at Harvard wanted to

know, well, given that physiologically

it's the exact same experience,

is it possible to trick the brain

in a moment when you're nervous and make

your brain think you're excited? And if

you did trick your brain in a moment

when you were nervous to believe that

you were actually excited, would it

impact your ability to perform?

And the answer is yes, you can trick

your brain in a situation where you're

nervous to believe that you're actually

excited. And yes, it profoundly impacts

your ability to perform.

And so they put people in control groups

in um like karaoke competition, a

negotiation competition, a standardized

test, and a track meet.

And there were only uh the only

difference between the groups is one

group was taught in a situation that

made them nervous to simply say, as dumb

as it sounds, "I'm so excited."

"I'm so excited to run this race. I'm so

excited to take this test. I'm so

excited to get out there and sing." Even

though they felt nervous, "I'm so

excited."

And the people that were taught to say,

"I'm so excited,"

outperformed the people

who had no tools.

And the reason can be explained by

chemistry and physiology and neurology.

If you get too nervous

and you start to get too worked up and

your thoughts start to spin

and your body stays in a fight-or-flight

state,

your brain releases cortisol.

And cortisol impacts your brain's

ability to focus.

So all your preparation goes out the

window because you just blew it with the

cortisol in your brain.

When you say, "I'm excited," even if you

feel nervous,

your brain buys it and doesn't release

cortisol,

which allows you to focus on what you

need to do.

And so I started experimenting with this

because I was deathly afraid of flying

and at the age of 45 I'm now all of a

sudden because of that TEDx Talk

starting to take off on the speaking

circuit and I'm having to board planes

and I'm being bombarded with these

thoughts of I'm going to die, I'm never

going to see my kids get married, I is

my husband going to remarry, you know,

will I make it? And so I said, "I got to

figure out a better way." And so I

stumbled into this project and I came up

with this strategy. And this is freaking

genius. I've taught it to millions of

people. It's curing people's anxiety.

I kid you not. Therapists are using this

around the world. It is extraordinary.

So, before you have to do something that

makes you nervous, come up with

uh anything that you can grab on to

that makes you excited about what you're

doing. So, for example, with the example

of flying, before I get on an airplane,

I mean, I'm not afraid to fly at all

anymore. But, back in the day, back when

I 8 years ago, before I would get on a

plane, so I'm flying to London,

I would think of something I'm excited

to do

when I get to London.

And so, before I board that plane in

Boston, I would think about coming here

and meeting Steven and getting to hang

out with him.

When I get on that plane

and we're up in the air, and all of a

sudden we start bouncing around like,

you know, something Yeah, like

turbulence in the air, and my body goes,

"Oh my god!"

I close my eyes and go, "I am so excited

to see Steven. This is going to be

amazing." And what happens

is that my mind goes, "Oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, hold on. Hold on. She's not

nervous.

She's excited to see Steven."

And your body literally settles.

And your mind locks on to this thing

that makes sense because I'm going to

London. I'm going to see you. And if I'm

going to see you, the plane obviously

makes it. So, there's nothing to worry

about. And it took me about five or six

times of doing it,

and I stopped having any kind of anxiety

whatsoever about flying.

It's really interesting. So many

different My brain fizzled off into so

many different like like a flowchart.

But, um you know, a lot of people talk

about anxiety being this like concern

about the future, right? And from one

perspective, I was thinking then as

you're saying that, what you're actually

doing is making the future

uh

an really nice place. So, your brain is

saying this plane is going to crash, the

future is death. Yeah. And you're it

sounded like you're hijacking it saying

fact in fact brain the future is really

really pleasant. I get to go and see

Steven. Yeah. Which and it's like that's

what it sounded like but I but I have to

I just completely resonate and then

anyone that's really listened to to me

even in two episodes ago one of the

questions I was asked was about imposter

syndrome.

And my response to that was I don't

necessarily feel like I've experienced

imposter syndrome because and the

example I gave is when I'm in Brazil and

I know I'm going up on stage and Barm is

there.

For me I I always say this on the

podcast I have the same butterflies

everyone else has but my brain is

telling me that I'm excited.

Right. And it's done that so many times

and because I think because it does that

and then it goes well. It's reinforcing

that that is in fact excitement and next

time you'll you know and it's and it's

kept that fear at bay but I Can I unpack

what just happened?

Please. So, for most people butterflies

in your stomach is a trigger

that makes you believe something bad's

about to happen. Mhm.

And I have a theory about it.

The number one fear

in kids is throwing up.

Number two is their parents dying.

But number one according to

pediatricians is the fear of throwing up

because this is this intense moment of

losing control. Mhm.

And so

tons of little kids

have an enormous fear of throwing up.

And the trigger of your stomach rumbling

or butterflies triggers that fear and so

I think there's been a lifetime negative

association with having butterflies.

Mhm. What you did is you took a very

common

experience that's a negative trigger for

people. So, the physical sensation of

your stomach being upset triggers

negative thought patterns Uh-oh, uh-oh,

uh-oh, I'm in trouble, I'm in trouble,

I'm in trouble. Yeah. And then that

sticks.

What you've done is you've hijacked it.

And you've labeled that feeling in your

stomach as something positive. I'm

really excited. 100% but I didn't just

have credit for that because it was

never it was I've I figured that out in

hindsight only from

hearing someone that suffers with nerves

and then seeing the consequence of the

the impact that nerves have when they go

up on stage and me being like, okay, I

have that bit. I have the feeling but my

brain isn't fearful and then it goes

well for me and that reinforces me and

creates this compounding positive cycle

in my life. Now where I can walk up on

stage with Obama and yeah, I'm feeling

it backstage but I'm like, I can't wait

to get up get up on stage, right? And

this kind of speaks to a confidence, all

of these things because once you get

stuck in that negative reinforcing

downward cycle and I'll tell you, the

downward cycle goes much faster than the

upward cycle. Like one incident can make

that confidence drop and then

um it's hard to get out of. It's hard to

get out of you know, and

I guess hijacking it in the way you've

described is is a definite solution.

Well, you know what

I just got really excited about

is that

let's go back to the fact that your

brain learns patterns. Mhm.

And even though you may feel stuck,

even though you may feel hopeless,

you're not broken.

You have patterns of thinking and

patterns of behavior that are broken

for where you are and where you want to

go in life. Mhm. And what's super

exciting

is that when you start to think about

changing your life

through the lens of just looking for

patterns, breaking them and replacing

them, it becomes less personal.

And I believe especially after what I've

experienced with the high five habit,

that

you know, there's a lot of research in

in habits, obviously, about how long it

takes a new habit to stick.

And

it's anywhere from, according to a lot

of people, 21 days to 63 days, depending

upon what you're looking at in terms of

the mind, body, spirit. I personally

have a theory that if you don't like the

new habit, you're never going to make it

stick. Like, I don't like getting out of

bed in the morning. I've been using the

five second rule, 5-4-3-2-1, for 13

years.

Can we talk about that? I feel like we

didn't brush over that little bit. So,

this 5-second rule

Uh-huh. um

you released the book, I think, 2017,

called The 5-Second Rule, and it's all

about, you know, well, you tell me what

it's about and where it came from. I

know there was a rocket, you're watching

a rocket on TV.

Um and that was a a little bit of the

initial inspiration, but where did this

come from and what is it?

Well, so, you know, I I think I alluded

to earlier that um

it seems like

my version of personal development

requires me to fall into a hole or dig

one, and then I realize nobody's coming

to rescue me, and I'm if I want to get

out of the hole, I'm going to need to

build a freaking ladder.

Um and so, at the age of 40, I found

myself in a place that I just never

envisioned I would be.

And that is uh I had my husband and I

had three kids under the age of 10, and

I was unemployed, and my husband had

been in the restaurant business with his

best friend, and the housing crisis hit,

especially hit in the United States,

and we found ourselves 800 grand in debt

because we had secured the restaurant

business like complete morons with our

kids' college fund, and our house, and

every credit card, and the home equity

line, and the cars, and everything.

And that's great when your business is

working, it's absolutely terrifying when

it's not. And so, I would wake up every

morning

just pinned to the bed with anxiety.

And I became somebody that I barely

recognized. I was screaming at Chris. I

was drinking myself into the ground. I

the kids were missing the bus every day.

I didn't have a job. I was hiding from

my friends. I hadn't told my family what

was going on.

And and you know, the thing that's

that's that's

interesting about being stuck in life is

that the fact is you know what you need

to do.

That's the easy part. And if you don't

know what you need to do to improve the

situation then

Google it.

There's approximately a bazillion videos

out there of people like you that have

been in the exact same situation. They

will walk you through how to There are

books you can buy. There are courses The

The what you need to do is out there.

It's the how. How the [ __ ] do you make

yourself do what you need to do? When

you are scared or overwhelmed or anxious

or hopeless or depressed or any of the

stuff that happens to you as a human?

That's the hundred million dollar

question. And at the time I didn't have

the answer.

I knew I needed to look for a job. I

knew I needed to stop screaming at

Chris. I knew I needed to get the kids

on the bus. I knew I needed to ask for

help. I wasn't doing any of those

things.

I was stuck in broken patterns and I

didn't know any of the things that we're

talking about right now.

But one night, you know, I was sitting

there and I was watching TV and I was

telling myself tomorrow morning it's got

to be the new you. I was giving myself

that lame pep talk like Mel, you've got

to stop drinking. You have got to be

nice to Chris. You have got to pull your

[ __ ] together. You got to look for a

job. And by God woman, when that alarm

rings, you cannot lay there like a human

pot roast marinating in fear and staring

at the ceiling. You have got to get out

of bed, woman. And then all of a sudden,

this is divine intervention.

The rocket ship launches across the

television screen, Stephen, and I say

that's it.

That's it.

Tomorrow morning, when the alarm goes

off, Mel Robbins, you're going to launch

yourself out of bed like a rocket ship.

You're going to move so fast, you're not

going to be in that bed when that

anxiety hits.

Now, it was either God or bourbon. One

of those two things gave me the idea,

cuz it sounds dumb. Okay, Mel, you're

going to beat anxiety by moving fast.

That sounds great.

Well, the very next morning,

it was a Tuesday in February outside of

Boston, Massachusetts in 2008.

The alarm went off.

And I think a lot about this moment

because if I hadn't

done what I did that morning,

my life would have gone in a totally

different direction.

I'd probably be divorced, I'd probably

be an alcoholic, my family would be torn

apart,

no idea what I'd be doing for a living

or where I would be.

And I

profoundly believe

that you are one decision away

from a different life.

And that happened to me on a February

morning in 2008.

The alarm rang.

And

as soon as the alarm rang, I remembered

the idea of launching myself out of bed.

And then I did

what psychologists call

a bias towards thinking, and this window

opens up when you start to think about

what you need to do instead of doing

what you need to do.

It's this window of hesitation that's

about 5 seconds long.

A window of hesitation that defines your

whole life.

Inside this window of hesitation

lives anxiety and procrastination and

fear and imposter syndrome and

overwhelm. All patterns of thinking, all

patterns of feeling, all patterns of

behavior

that get triggered in this 5-second

window of thinking about what you need

to do.

Because it's in the thinking that you go

from being present to all the patterns

kicking in and the coping mechanisms

that you have.

And so for whatever reason, I started to

think about getting up and all the [ __ ]

started to come in. I don't feel like

it, how's it going to help, I don't want

to. For whatever reason,

I just started counting backwards.

5 4 3 2 1

and I stood up.

And

I used it the next morning and the next

morning and by the third morning,

I was kind of freaked out cuz I'm like,

okay,

this is working.

This is weird.

And I said,

Mel, I made myself a promise.

If at any moment,

you know what you need to do, but you

don't feel like it,

just count backwards and let's just see

what happens.

And so I started using it, Steven, this

little count backwards technique, 5 4 3

2 1.

No idea why it's working, by the way.

Um in any moment, I'd see Chris, I'd

want to kill him, 5 4 3 2 1.

All of a sudden, I'm calm. I can speak

to him from a more supportive place.

Kids are irritating, 5 4 3 2 1, take a

breath and now I can be the mom that I

know I want to be. 5 4 3 2 1, I'm going

out the door to exercise. 5 4 3 2 1, I'm

picking up the phone and I'm networking.

5 4 3 2 1, I'm picking up the phone and

calling my parents and asking for help.

And slowly but surely, one decision at a

time using the 5-second rule. And the

5-second rule is very simple. The moment

you have an instinct to move, you got to

do it within 5 seconds or your brain

will kill it.

And counting backwards is critical.

I now know why it works. When you count

backwards, 5 4 3 2 1, you interrupt

habit loops stored in your basal

ganglia.

And the counting backwards requires

focus, so it awakens this sucker right

here, your prefrontal cortex.

It's referred to as a starting ritual in

habit research.

A cheat code for your brain.

And um

basically, I used it in secret for 3

years cuz I mean, what am I going to do?

Tell people you can count to five and

you change your life? I mean, it sounds

ridiculous. Plus, I was just trying to

survive. I'm trying to like find a job

and

save my marriage and help my husband and

make sure my kids are okay and start to

pay our bills and make the ends meet.

And that's what I was doing. And one

thing led to another and um

word got out about it and people started

to write to me about it and um it has

now gone on to change the lives of

millions of people. We know of 111

people who have stopped themselves from

attempting suicide by counting backwards

5-4-3-2-1.

When I had a daytime talk show, an

entire wing of

um

nurses from an inpatient unit at a

psychiatric uh hospital in Philadelphia

came to my talk show and explained to me

after the show that of all the tools

that they have

when they discharge somebody from an

inpatient commitment, that the

five-second rule is the most effective

thing that they have

except for medication, obviously, but

it's the most effective thing that they

have

because it's simple. Mhm.

And you can remember it.

And anybody can use it. And it works.

And I think we make a huge mistake in

life.

We make the mistake of believing that

because our problems are big or because

our dreams are so big

that somehow the solution

to achieving

those dreams or to solving those

problems must be enormous, too.

When in truth, it's the opposite.

The larger the problem, the smaller the

solution.

The bigger the dream, the smaller the

actions are that you need to start

taking.

Super compelling because that also

has a lot of similarities with your with

your new book.

The High Five Habit. It does. Yeah.

So, I'd love to hear the story of

of how this was born. And I imagine you

know, that that came out of as you said

a a low point in your life where you

were you were looking for

what you thought would probably be a

complex solution to a set of complex

you know, sort of problems and dynamics

in your life, but um the High Five Habit

is more centered around gratitude and

um

I guess like self-appreciation. Is that

an accurate description of of that?

Yeah. Like it's um

you know, even knowing what I know about

the Five Second Rule,

I believe the High Five Habit is

a thousand times more powerful.

And the reason why I say that is because

the Five Second Rule will help you break

patterns of behavior. It'll help you

push through fear. It'll help you take

action. It'll help you interrupt

thoughts.

It will help you walk away from things,

define boundaries. Um it's very

action-oriented. Overcome

procrastination. Yeah. Overcome

procrastination.

The High Five Habit works at a much

deeper level.

It solves what I believe is everybody's

core issue and problem.

And that is the issue and the habit of

hating yourself, of criticizing

yourself, of not liking yourself,

of beating yourself up.

And

as successful of as I've become and as

much as I've accomplished,

it wasn't until I stumbled into the High

Five Habit that I truly confronted the

fact that

in spite of all that success, I still

didn't like myself.

I still judged the woman in the mirror.

I was still in many ways betting against

myself by constantly beating the hell

out of myself, and it was a habit.

And you know, we talked in the very

beginning about how we go from being

children that are wired to love

ourselves to the ways in which life can

make you start to feel what's wrong with

me, and the ways in which your brain

starts to turn and filter the world in a

way where you see everything that you're

not and all the ways that you don't fit

in and all the things that aren't

working out. And that was exactly my

experience, and I think it's every

single human being's experience. I don't

care how successful you are.

And so, the high five habit is very,

very simple. And first, I'll tell you

what it is, and then I'll explain the

story. So, I'm on a mission

to

get every single human being on the

planet

to add

high fiving themselves in the mirror to

their morning routine.

That right after you brush your teeth as

ubiquitous as it is for people to brush

their teeth in the morning, let's get

rid of the skanky breath so you don't

drag it through your day. I want you to

literally wipe clean your mind, body,

and spirit

so you don't drag generational gunk and

patterns into your day.

And it's that simple. Put down the

toothbrush, look at yourself in the

mirror, raise your hand, and send

yourself into your day

knowing that you have your own back,

knowing that no matter what happens

today, you will be here.

There to support you and encourage you,

no matter what.

Because you haven't been.

And um the way I discovered it was um in

April of 2020.

And you know, the backdrop doesn't even

matter. I mean, what was happening is a

universal experience. I was just at a

moment where

I was overwhelmed by my life.

There was a lot of [ __ ] going on in my

business. There was There's lot of stuff

going on in the world. Uh a couple of my

kids were really in a state of being

anxious and upset about things and I

just woke up morning after morning

feeling the weight of the world on my

shoulders. Feeling like if one more

thing happened, I just can't cope.

And

I think that that's something that we

all feel at times in our life. Whether

somebody just breaks up with you or you

lose a job or you don't get the funding

you wanted or you lose an election you

went for or you just

feel lost in your life or maybe your

parents are sick. Just this feeling of I

just can't take it. I I just don't know

how I'm going to deal with the demands

of my life and that was me.

And so one morning I'm standing in my

bathroom

and I'm brushing my teeth and I'm there

in my underwear and I look at myself in

the mirror and my first thought is

Oh

God.

You look like

hell.

And then I immediately

out of habit

start picking my appearance apart.

I mean, look at the dark circles and

your gray hair and your saggy neck and

God, one boob is lower than the other.

You look like [ __ ] Mel.

And the second your mind goes negative,

you already alluded to this. It's like,

you know, more negative thoughts climb

on and so then I drift into my day and

it's not like, yes, it's like, why did I

get up so late? And you got a Zoom call

in 8 minutes. I'm like, God, I haven't

even walked the dog yet and oh, I forgot

to text Steven back and just the beat

down begins.

And I believe that my experience that

morning is everybody's experience. And I

know based on research that it is.

That we talk a big game about gratitude

and and meditation and morning routines,

but we've skipped this one thing that's

happening in everybody's morning routine

and it's a habit of self-rejection

of self-criticism.

And every human being has it. I kid you

not.

And

standing there that morning overwhelmed

by life giving myself the morning just

kind of beat down and you know

negativity

I couldn't think of anything to say to

myself and I wouldn't have believed it

anyway cuz I felt overwhelmed.

And as pathetic as it sounds

I don't know what came over me

but for whatever reason again I think it

was probably divine intervention.

I just

dog at my feet underwear on no bra I

just raised my hand

and I gave the woman in the mirror a

high five

because she looked like she needed one.

That very first one a couple things

happened. I actually laughed cuz it was

so cheesy. I now know that the reason

why I laughed is because your brain

drips dopamine

when you give somebody a high five.

And then I felt like a a switch flip.

And it wasn't like I was like yes.

But I just felt myself go from this very

low state.

I didn't even think any words but

energetically I felt myself go from

feeling defeated to sort of a like come

on now.

You got a roof over your head. It's not

that bad. Get your ass out. Like it was

kind of like that kind of tough coach

kind of mustering of an energy.

But Steven it was the second morning

when everything broke wide open.

So I wake up same problem same kind of

energetic depleted overwhelm.

5 4 3 2 1 I get out of bed.

I make my bed. Um

and as I'm walking to the bathroom I'm

not even to the bathroom yet and then it

freaking hits me.

I realize I'm experiencing something

I've never felt in my entire adult life.

And what I'm experiencing is this.

When you go and you're about to meet

somebody at a cafe that you really love

and you're about to walk in the door,

what are you feeling?

Uh excitement, positive anticipation,

um yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I felt that

about seeing myself.

Now, I've felt excited to see an outfit

or haircut. Hm.

I don't ever recall as an adult

feeling excited

to see the human being Mel Robbins.

Why were you excited?

I was excited because

the experience of high-fiving yourself

is more than a gesture.

It creates partnership.

And there's a sense that you're

returning home.

The same way that a neighbor waves to

you and sees you,

I knew that I would have that experience

with myself as soon as I rounded the

corner

and walked into that bathroom.

Because what I realized that second

morning as I rounded the corner and

walked into the bathroom

is that there's actually two human

beings in the bathroom every morning.

There's you

and there's a human being in the mirror.

And that human being is trying

and they've been there a long time

and they've been waiting for you to wake

up and to see them.

They're tired of your constant

negativity. They're tired of you beating

them down.

They need you to be more encouraging.

They need you to be more celebratory.

They need your support.

And when you finally

wake up

and create a moment with yourself

every single morning

where you look yourself in the eye

and you see yourself

and you forgive yourself and you honor

yourself

and you say I believe with this gesture

in you.

It is this remarkably deep and spiritual

feeling

of connection that you've been longing

for for a very long time.

And so that second morning, you know,

I'm realizing, holy cow, it's like this

sort of It's sort of like when you first

realize that the voice in your head

isn't you.

And you have this whole paradigm shift.

When you allow yourself

to understand the depth of what I'm

trying to teach you

there will be a paradigm shift

that will fundamentally change how you

live your life.

The hardest part is looking at yourself.

50% of men and women

cannot or will not

look at themselves in the mirror because

they're either disgusted or disappointed

with where they are in life.

And if you cannot look at yourself in

the mirror

that is an act of self-rejection.

That is an act of self-criticism. That

is an act of self-hatred.

That's not just a casual thing you're

doing.

The rest of us that can look at

ourselves

what we do when we look at ourselves is

we focus on the things we need to fix.

For most women putting on makeup is not

additive. It's not a creative

expression. It's covering something up

that you don't like.

It's changing something that you think

is wrong.

That action, that intention behind it,

is self-rejection.

It is self-criticism. It is self-hatred.

And for so many men, if it's not about

your appearance, it's about where you