You've written 17 books on the topic of

sex. So, my first question, how do we

have the best sex of our lives? That's

the question everybody wants to know.

The first thing is Tracy Cox. The

world's most celebrated sex expert.

She's got the answers to the questions

you've always wanted to know and has a

secret to a great sex life. There is a

decline of sex, isn't there?

Yes, there's a sex recession. If you

haven't had sex for a year with your

partner, it is very unlikely you're

going to have sex again. Oh, really? Are

you hopeful that we can turn that

around? Yes, absolutely. The key thing

is women fake their orgasms. We have

known that women don't orgasm through

penetrative sex since Kama Sutra. And

yet most men will go, "Yeah, yeah. Yeah,

I've heard about that." Women aren't

having very many orgasms during partner

sex. They're always fake. The way to

solve the whole orgasm thing is How do

we predict if someone's going to cheat

on us? Number one, being close doesn't

actually protect you against infidelity.

You become so close to your partner that

you're best friend, you just don't see

them as a sexual partner anymore. If you

understand how sex works and if you can

make sex good with your partner, affairs

can be so preventable in so many

different ways.

Women get bored way quicker than men.

Men don't get bored because they get the

orgasm as a reward. You need to give

women interesting erotic sex and then

they'll be interested. Otherwise,

they're not going to be interested.

I've noticed a trend that amongst my

friendship group, a startling amount of

them are in sexless relationships. Yep.

What are some of the most important

solutions? If you want to have great

sex, you need

That's what you have to do if you want a

good sex life.

I think that's phenomenal advice.

I have some breaking news.

And no, this is an emergency. I've spent

the last 2 years writing a book and I've

written 33 laws for business, marketing,

and life that I derive from all of these

conversations I've had here. I traveled

the world to write this book. I

interviewed some of the most incredible

people. I did

6 months of extensive research on

scientific studies and principles to

corroborate everything that I wrote into

these 33 laws. And ladies and gentlemen,

that book called The Diary of a CEO, the

33 laws for business, marketing, and

life

is now available for pre-order.

And there are 5,000,

only 5,000, signed copies.

And it's first come, first serve.

The link is in the bio right now. So, if

you want that book, honestly, it's the

best book I've ever written. It's the

book I always should have written. It's

the book I also wish someone had written

for me when I was starting out in my

career.

I'm really proud of it. I'm really,

really proud of it. Really, really proud

of it.

And I can't wait for all of you to get

to read it. It's out in August. I

couldn't be more excited about this as

you can probably tell. I don't know what

to say to say other than the words I've

said to emphasize my excitement cuz I

think it's important and I think it's

really valuable. Um,

link in the description.

Tracy,

I

reached out to my team and I told my

team that I wanted to have a

conversation with

the individual in the world that was

best and most educated and most

engaging on the subject matter of sex

because I've noticed a bunch of things

in my personal life and the lives of my

friends and those around me. Um, and I

feel like people aren't having the right

types of conversation about sex. I feel

like we're avoiding it as a society and

I feel like sex is so intrinsically

linked to performance and well-being and

business and all the things I usually

talk about. So, they found you and

that's why you're here. So, my first

question is

who are you and what do you do? What is

your mission?

Right, I'm not a trained sex therapist,

which is what everybody thinks I am. I'm

a sex educator. Um, which is which I

think means that what I do is I look at

all the research and look at all the the

sort of what's going on in the sex world

in sort of in academic sense. And then I

work out, okay, so that's all well and

good, but what does this mean for you

and I? Well, not necessarily you and I

together, but people in the bedroom. So,

I bring it down to a sort of level that

is more practical, that all my books are

very much like, right, so here's what we

now know about sex, here's how this is

going to help you in bed. So, I think my

job is to sort of get the research and

make it into something that, you know,

the average person can understand and

make it work for them. So, I sort of,

yeah, I'm a I'm a sex educator is a

better way to describe me.

You know, part of the reason I wanted to

speak to you, as I said at the start of

this conversation, is because I've

noticed a trend. I started to like

smell it amongst my friendship group

where

a startling amount of them are in

sexless relationships.

Yep. And they're not they're not, you

know, your book here says great sex

starts at 50. My friends are the friends

I'm talking about are in their 30s. Yes.

And I I

And there's lots of things here. There's

lots of thoughts and I want to figure

out which ones are true. So,

I'm I'm going to say a bunch of things

which are inherently naive and I know

they are. So, the first one is like, why

aren't they having sex uh more often and

and is that a is that a problem? Are

their partners to blame because they

seem to want to have sex and their

partners don't? Um, is it wrong? Are

those relationships therefore broken and

should they break up with their partners

because they're not having that much

sex? Um, so we'll go into all of that,

but let's start with this this the point

you raised about how

lust and love

are not necessarily great bedfellows.

Um, how does one, if they're in that

situation where they really love their

partner, they're really, really close to

their partner, um, but they're feeling

like the intimacy has ran out the back

door because of, you know, that sexual

intimacy has ran out the back door, how

do we create that balance? You talk

about something called otherness, which

I thought was really compelling. In in

your new book.

Such a such a

big question that is because that's the

question everybody wants to know, how do

you keep desire going long-term?

Um, the otherness thing is all about it

the close couples kind of become like

Tweedledum and Tweedledee. They don't do

anything separately. But you you need to

have separateness from your partner. And

this is why during COVID no one had sex

at all. In the beginning it was like,

fantastic, we can have sex at 11:00 in

the morning. And then it was like, oh,

we can have sex anytime we want. How

unappealing is that? You know, the more

available something is, the less we want

it. But the you need to separate from

your partner. You need to

be

you know, have your own identity and

your identity with your partner. And

that's the otherness that I talk about

is seeing your partner

in the real world and seeing them when

you're not with them. Like so many

couples only ever see each other at home

in their house. They never see each

other out. And if you go out, I remember

once

very early on into the relationship with

my husband, Miles, he was walking

through restaurant and I'd arrived first

and he hadn't seen me. I was he was

walking through the restaurant and I saw

a couple of women look over at him and I

was like, [ __ ] you know, he's really

attractive. Well, I knew that, but he's,

you know, and if I don't, you know, he's

he's out there all the time, you know,

like people are going to be attracted to

him. So, it sort of makes you lift your

game a bit. So, you need that. If you

see your partner at home and you, you

know, hi, hi, you only ever see them

come through the front door, they become

too safe. And I think when people say,

"Oh, my partner would never cheat on

me." I think, how rude is that to think

that your partner's never going to cheat

on you, no matter what you do to them,

no matter how horrible you are? That's

terrible. That's like saying your

partner,

you know, is just a doormat that you can

do whatever. I like to think that, you

know, my partner's not going to cheat on

me, but, you know, that makes me think

that if I pledge monogamy, I pledge that

I'm going to sexually satisfy my

partner. I think you have an obligation

to do that. And I'm going to keep myself

looking good because love is, you know,

kind, but it's not blind. And I'm going

to do all sorts of things. I think it's

a real insult. If some If Miles said to

me, "I know you'd never cheat on me."

I'd be like, "Huh."

I don't take that as a compliment, would

you?

Um, I think it's important to know that

your partner will go and leave you if

you drop the ball in a variety of

different ways. And I think that one of

the interesting points you raised there

is about like physical appearance or

keeping yourself well or keeping

yourself attractive. Do you think, and

I've asked a few people this over time,

do you think we have an obligation to

stay

in shape, attractive, whatever it might

be for our partners? Yes, absolutely. I

don't mean like you have to have

facelifts or, you know, anything like

that, but you you should keep yourself

as attractive as you can, each of you.

And I think, you know,

And that's not just a physical thing, I

have to say. It's it can be an

intellectual thing.

exactly. It's an intellectual thing as

well because desire goes and especially,

you know, the, you know, grumpy old man,

grumpy old woman thing. When people age,

I think that they become very set in

their ways and, you know, become quite,

you know, you don't want to be the

bitter and twisted person. You could

look like, you know, a Greek god and if

you're bitter and twisted, your

partner's still not going to want to

sleep with you. So, yes, I do think we

owe it to each other to say, you know,

to look as good as you can and to be as

positive as you can. There is nothing

less sexy than being with somebody who's

miserable all the time, who's a negative

person.

It's so interesting that I some of the

most attractive things I find in my

partner are when I look over and see her

doing her work and her things.

Yes.

So, actually, it's funny, I she she

doesn't actually know this, but but last

night I came home from work very, very

late cuz I was I was out did some talks

at the

and I came home and I got in through the

door and I my partner was sat at the

kitchen table. It was about 11:00 p.m.

at night designing her new studio on her

laptop with her headphones on.

And I just found that really I took a

photo.

And it's on my phone. And I took a photo

cuz I'm like I'm proud of her in one

sense, but it was really lovely that

when I walked through the door,

it wasn't about me. Mhm. She was busy

doing her own stuff. Doing her own

stuff.

Yeah. And I kind of like walked past and

I could almost see how some people might

find it find that threatening. I like,

"Well, hey, babe." Give her a kiss like

on then she kind of like kisses me back,

but then goes back to the laptop. I'm

like,

"This is nice." And I went I went over

and I sat on the sofa on my own and just

watched Manchester United, but there was

something really attractive about it.

Yeah. Of course there is. I mean,

watching somebody at work doing what

they love is is the moment when yeah,

that you're like, "Wow, this person's

amazing." I mean, I would hate to be a

person who, you know, the partner's at

home waiting for you. Yeah. And where

are you? And it's all about So, what

have you done? Nothing much. How was

your day? Yeah.

That's not It's not healthy for a

relationship. That puts it too much on

one person. If you want to have great

sex, you need to have an interesting

life.

You need to be doing interesting things.

You know, you're not going to be having

great sex if you're boring and you do

the same thing every single day because

you just end up doing the same boring

sex. You need stimulation all the time.

And that routineness is the the enemy of

Yeah. The killer for women. The killer

for women. Because women are the ones

that find monogamy boring, not men. If

you say to men, "Right, you could have

the same sex, pretty much do the same

thing every single time, three times a

week for the rest of your life with this

person." Most men would go, "All right."

Sounds all right to me.

If you said that to a woman, she would

go, "You have kidding me." But this is

what's happening. Women get bored way

quicker than men. And they do so because

our orgasm is far more complicated than

yours. I mean, intercourse is usually

the main event for most couples' sex.

Intercourse is like the the big bit that

everyone aims for, right? And that's

great for men because intercourse very

successfully stimulates the penis. You

know, the penis wants to rub it in and

out of something. The vagina does a

great job. Fabulous.

For women, the clitoris is outside the

vagina, but some of it is inside and you

know, because the clitoris isn't that

little tip, by the way. It looks like a

wishbone. Imagine a wishbone and the tip

of the clitoris is at the top and then

it goes down the sides of the legs,

right? That's the clitoris. Amazing. 10

10 cm long. So, because the clitoris is

in on the outside of the vagina,

intercourse doesn't cut it for most

women. Only 80 No, 20% of women can

climax through penetrative sex. 20%.

Right? That means 80% of women are not

having their orgasms through

intercourse. So, if you're going to

serve up the same routine sex and most

couples have sex the same way over and

over again every time they have sex, and

that's your lot as a female, you're

having sex which doesn't give you an

orgasm. You're having sex which doesn't

isn't exciting, isn't erotic, isn't it

you know, in any way really interesting,

women get bored. Men don't get bored

because they get the orgasm as a reward.

Women get bored because the sex is just

not the right sex for them. So, women's

desire for sex goes down so much faster

than men's does. So, you need to give

women interesting erotic sex and then

they'll be interested, but otherwise,

they're not going to be interested.

There are 80% of women listening now

that can relate. Yes.

So,

and it's funny cuz I was speaking to a

friend of mine. I told them that I was

going to have this conversation with

you. And I said, "What would you like me

to to say?" And they this was the

question they had and it's linked to

what you just said. They said, "I'm in a

relationship where my partner is having

um the same sex over and over again.

He's coming very quickly during sex. And

I don't know how to broach the

conversation with him about like this

isn't working for me

um without like embarrassing him or

whatever it might be. What advice would

you give to that person?

Gosh, talking about sex is

is just the thing.

I mean, do you talk about sex with your

girlfriend?

How long have you been together? Four

years now. Oh, well done. We're just

very open with things.

Yeah. Well done. That's really good.

Because most people talk a lot about sex

in the beginning when it's all going

well. Like, aren't we amazing? That

wasn't that great. All that sort of

stuff. The minute there's problems, they

tail off.

And every sex problem can be solved if

you talk about it. If you don't talk

about sex, the tiniest sex problem can

ruin your whole sex life. And the reason

people don't talk about sex is that

they're worried exactly where she just

said that they're going to hurt their

partner, that they're going to upset

them. Well, you just be really tactful

about it. And I always talk about the

the compliment sandwich. So, say you

want to say So, she wants him to be

what? Give her more foreplay? Something

like that? Yeah, just he's he's he's

reaching orgasm too quickly and then

she's obviously not enjoying it because

uh he's over and she's still not, you

know, had her her orgasm. No. Well, the

mantra for that is she comes first.

Always. The way to solve the whole

orgasm thing in several ways. One of One

of the ways is to have,

you know, give her her orgasm through

oral sex, fingers, uh vibrator and then

you go on to intercourse, which is when

he gets his orgasm. So, that's a very I

mean, it's what a lot of um couples do.

A lot of straight couples do. You'll

notice actually when I talk about sex, I

talk about straight couples. The reason

why is that gay couples have a lot

better time of it because they've got

the same issues going on. So, it sort of

helps if you go in lots of ways. Um but

I would say, don't worry so much about

like

if you say to if she said to her

partner,

"Look, I really love our sex. I love our

sex. I particularly like it when you do

X, but you know when you used to do Y,

give me more foreplay, give me oral sex.

I really really love that. Can we do

more of that?" So, you're not saying,

"Actually, you you're not not lasting

long enough." And not lasting long

enough is not going to be an issue with

most women because they don't have their

orgasms through intercourse anyway. So,

I think that men need to calm down about

that. They feel like they have to go on

forever and ever and ever and it's like,

"Well, she's not going to orgasm that

way anyway." She's going to feel like

she has to. And then you get the faking

it and all that sort of stuff comes into

it. But talking about sex is such a huge

issue for people. And the funny thing

about talking about sex is that once

you've done it once, it's it's the first

conversation, especially, you know, I

deal with couples who haven't talked

about sex for 30 years. And that first

conversation is excruciating. You know,

you're so like, "Oh my god, this is

awful. I just want the you know, earth

to move like open and get rid of me."

But once you move past that that initial

awkwardness, which seriously lasts like

3 minutes,

then all of a sudden it this relief. The

amount of couples you say, "Oh my god,

like I can say actually I don't really

like it when you do that. Can you do

this?" And like, you know, "Does it

worry you that, you know, my erection

isn't as hard as it was when I was

young?" And and you get reassurance and

then they're falling over themselves.

You will never ever ever regret trying

to talk about sex with your partner. It

is the number one thing you can do for

your relationship. So, she should think

about what she wants.

Be very specific. Men particularly like

they respond best to very specific

instructions. So, instead of saying,

"Look, this sex isn't working for me

because, you know, you you're climaxing

too fast and then all of a sudden it's

over and I'm just left high and dry."

If you say, "This is my idea of the

perfect sex session. Can you just like

let's just

take turns, you know, we each have we

each design our own perfect sex session.

You know, I could you start with

kissing, you could move on to kissing my

neck. I really like it if you play with

my breasts and then I love oral sex, but

could you do it for a bit longer? Very

specific.

And people are like, "Well, that's like

telling you, you know, saying you like

can you say you love me?" And then they

say, "I love you back." But no. Giving

instructions in sex is really Most

people are really grateful for it. And

it might feel a bit awkward the session

after that where he's thinking, "Oh my

god, I'm just doing exactly what she

says. Isn't this embarrassing?" And then

all of a sudden you forget about it. And

then the next session and the next

session is like flowing and great. Okay,

so couple of counterpoints here just

from personal experience. One of the

things I've always been a bit conscious

of. Or no, one of the things that I

think has irked me a little bit is

and this goes back to what you said

about lust, this kind of spontaneity and

then the uh the riskiness of it is I

don't want rules. You know? Like I don't

want Rules. I don't want to be I don't

want to be in instructed during sex or

or or or even worse,

I don't like that. Do it like this. Oh,

no, not

It kind of kills the like I think

sometimes you can become a little bit

like

boy being told off by his mom. You know

what I mean?

Yeah. I I that can then that can have an

impact on one's erect erection erection

and then their like mindset. I think

sometimes for guys, so much of sex is

flowing, feeling like you can flow. Mhm.

Sometime if you get like if you got

critical feedback during sex, that's

like a

pressure stress which then the erection

might not, you know, hold out.

Well, first of all, it's natural for an

erection to come and go during any sex

session. So, that's not really

important. But maybe yeah, criticism

isn't great. Like, don't do it like

that. Move over here or or in a very

barking, you know, sergeant major, you

know, "Can you move to the left?" That's

not so great. But if you if you do it I

mean, often men do it's do don't hit the

spot and they are doing it wrong. And

so,

do you want women to just lie back and

go, "Fuck, it's not even remotely close

to where it should be,

but I'm going to pretend." Yeah. Because

that's what And this is why women don't

give men instruction in bed is because

they know that a lot of men don't like

it. A lot of men say, you know, it is

you know, it does disrupt the

proceedings. But then it's very quickly

back on track if you do it, you know, if

you go and do what exactly she wants.

Personally, I think sexual instruction,

you can say or just over to the left a

bit or that feels great there.

And you know, whenever you can give

positive feedback rather than negative

is great. So, giving I'm sure you

wouldn't mind if she says, "No, that's

perfect. Stay there. Stay there. Do it

for longer." Yeah, exactly.

is the positive framing.

Yeah. Yeah, that's the key thing. The

key thing is absolutely that. And then

if if maybe you've still haven't aren't

haven't hit the spot, then afterwards

you say, "Actually, um you know, that

didn't quite work. Can I just tell you

where or what works for me?" And then

demonstrate on your hand or something.

That's always a really good way to do

it. But yeah, the key is in the

positive. No one's going to respond to

sex where somebody's going, "Oh, that's

not right. Why are you doing that for?

That's terrible." You know, "Don't go

there. Eh, that doesn't feel anything."

You know, "No, that's terrible. That's

awful."

And those instructional sessions should

happen when? Before sex, during sex,

after sex? Well, depends on the couple a

little bit. I mean, you can use body

language during sex. I don't know about

before sex. I think maybe sometimes

after sex, when you're getting on really

well and, you know, having a few drinks

maybe, if you're a drinker, and relaxed

and just talking generally, that's sort

of the time to say, "By the way, you

know, that" I always think that's a good

time if you want to try something new.

Or to say, "Oh, by the way, my friend

was talking about doing X, you know,

what do you think about that?" I always

think things like conversations about

sex that are positive and exciting and,

you know, talking about trying new

things should happen outside the

bedroom, really.

Um but otherwise, yeah, you do have to

have those instructional sessions, I'm

afraid. What if you want to do something

and your partner doesn't want to do it?

Generally, a request for something new,

a request for anything is just a request

for variety. So say your partner says,

"I want to try having sex outside." And

you really don't want to have sex

outside. The correct answer to that is,

"Look, that's really not my thing, but

you know, why don't we try X?" Most

people, if they want to try something

new, if you give them, you know, "I'm

not open to that, but I am open to

something else," then they'll be fine

about it. But I mean, where you get into

problems with somebody wanting to try

something at the other partner not

wanting to try is if it's something a

bit fetish. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and

that's when you get Did you ever watch

um Billions? You know, where they she

she had the fetish of, you know, being

whipped and wanting to be the

submissive. And and he just let her go

off and be satisfied by um a sex worker.

That's one option, by the way, if your

partner has a fetish, is to just go,

"Okay, I accept that you've got this

fetish and it's not for me. So if you if

it's really so much part of your makeup

that you can't live without it, then go

off with a sex worker and satisfy it."

That's the extreme version. But most of

the time I think or you can meet

halfway. Like say um

say your partner Say you want to have a

threesome with two women.

Well, then the meeting halfway might be

that you have phone sex with a sex

worker. Maybe you role-play it. Maybe

you go to a lap dancing club and she

gets a lap dance by someone. There is

There's always some kind of compromise

in there where you can capture a sense

of what the other person wants.

Okay, so let's go back up to this this

this initial question. My friends,

they're in their 30s,

sexless sexless relationships. They are

increasingly frustrated about it, it

seems. Um

It's funny, I've got like Yeah, I've got

this collection of my best friends who

are we're very

talkative and communicative around our

sex lives and stuff. And I just noticed

that in various ways they're in

situations where they're not they don't

feel like they're getting enough sex

from their partner and they see it as a

critical problem, which would which

might result in them, for example, being

um

cheating or

um ending the relationship.

Even in my own um sort of sexual

experience, what got me really engaged

with this subject matter was I was in a

relationship where the part my partner

turned around to me one day after 6

months and said like, "I don't like

having sex."

Oh. Did she say you or did she say she

or

with me

with me. Oh. Great. And as he as yeah,

as a young man, I I I think with, you

know, with an ego, I thought, "Well,

what does that mean? That's super

emasculating. Does that mean that

I'm not hitting it right or like do I

maybe it's her problem, you know,

whatever." And so I went on that journey

What did she mean? So it's interesting

because we separated. Yeah. My reaction

was very like

And also,

I turned to her and said like, "Why?"

And she said the next sentence was, "I'm

not comfortable talking about that with

you."

Oh. Yeah, so for me that was like the

door had closed.

Of course it did, cuz where do you go

with that?

Yeah, so exactly. So I broke up with

her. Yeah. And um

year passes, we both go to different

places, we both going to you know,

figure ourselves out a little bit. And

on her journey, she really got to

understand that the at the heart of her

relationship with sex was this fear that

had derived from previous relationships

where the partner was very forceful, you

know, um

a parent cheating, all of those things

that we kind of discussed earlier. So it

wasn't that she

necessarily didn't like having sex.

There was a lot of psychological work to

be done

Right. removing that fear of like

abandonment. And really, if I made her

feel safe,

really really safe, then the sexual

appetite would return. That's what

happened. Mm. Oh. So a year later we get

back together. We end up having the best

sex of our lives

on an ongoing basis. Um

and it was because she was able to

understand I was Okay, so first she was

able to understand what was really going

on. I was able to like be patient enough

to like listen and, you know,

go for weeks and weeks and months with

not having sexual intimacy and just be

there,

which allowed her to feel safe. And then

beyond that we were able to kind of like

rebuild it. Thanks for sharing that. And

we're still together today. Oh my god,

so this is your girlfriend?

Yeah. I'll have to ask her for

permission to say this. I'll show her

the clip and make sure she's comfortable

with it. But um

but that's my kind of girlfriend.

story. So we went from a point of I

don't like having sex, I don't like

having sex, a really really bad

situation

to

the best situation I think one can

imagine in that department. Obviously,

communication was at the heart of it. Of

course. Of course.

Always, yeah. And giving her space to,

you know, and and I give the credit to

her cuz she figured that out. But that's

what got me really into the subject

matter cuz I've now got loads of friends

that are in that situation. Mm. What

What I would say to your friends is

if your partner doesn't want to have sex

with you,

I wonder whether how good the sex is

because

a lot of women say no. I'm presuming

these straight couples. A lot of women

say no to sex because the sex that's on

offer is not that interesting to them.

So for this, we need to talk about sex

drives, spontaneous desire versus

responsive desire. Have you heard of

that? Yes. Yeah. From reading your book.

So spontaneous desire is 2/3 of men have

spontaneous desire. And it's the desire

that everybody has at the beginning. And

by the way, if you want to know

somebody's resting libido, you can't

you've got to wait about a year. You

have to wait about a year to find out

what their real libido is because it's

always so artificially inflated at the

start, right? But so spontaneous desire,

2/3 of men have this. It's It's the, you

know, want to see want to see, you know,

seek sex. Want sex, seek sex. They can

go from People with spontaneous desire

could be like scrolling through

Instagram, somebody sexy walks past and

it's like, "Wow, I'm instantly aroused

for sex." They go from zero to 100 very

quickly. They seek out their mate, want

sex,

and they're off, right?

Responsive desire means that you have no

desire for sex or very little desire for

sex until somebody is actually doing

something to you sexually.

So this is somebody who, you know, maybe

is with their partner. Their partner

wants to have sex. They're not even

slightly interested, but goes, "Okay,

look, I'll give it a go." Then once

start things start happening, if their

partner is very good at stimulating them

and they enjoy the stimulation, all of a

sudden they're like, "Yeah, actually,

yeah, I'm enjoying this." That's the

warming up.

That's the warming up, right? Now, 30%

of women have responsive desire. The

rest of them are a mix between

spontaneous and responsive.

Most men So you've got this situation

where most men have spontaneous desire,

most women are responsive. Most men are

very happy to go straight to genital

sex. They don't need warming up the way

their anatomy works. For women, foreplay

isn't a a luxury, it's a necessity

because in order for sex to be

comfortable, you need the vagina to

tent. So it literally puffs up so that

it can, you know,

take a a penis comfortably. So if you

don't wait for that to happen and you go

male-style sex, go straight for

penetration, she's not even

off the starting blocks and suddenly

you're penetrating, sex isn't great, and

then it's all over. So for men, you

could have like not even thinking about

sex to having finished within 10

minutes.

For women, they need time to warm up

because their sex drive is responsive.

So they've almost like blink and it's

over and they haven't even got to 5%

desire.

And this is the problem with

couples. And that's that's with I'm

talking about a very basic couple who

probably don't talk about sex and who

aren't terribly sexually savvy. So I

think cuz I think people have an

understanding vague understanding that

women need more foreplay. I mean, that's

been drummed into men, hasn't it?

But I think that what women don't

understand is that women think, you

know, at the beginning it was great, it

was all spontaneous, I desire was there.

You know, when you get into a long-term

relationship, desire doesn't tap you on

the shoulder anymore. You have to create

it.

And women I think think because they

that spontaneous desire is gone,

and they don't feel like sex, it just

doesn't come out of the blue unless they

start having sex,

they think, "Oh, that just must mean I

don't want sex anymore. Well,

something's wrong with me. I don't want

sex anymore." You do want sex. It's just

that you've got to be

have sexy things happening to you before

you feel the desire for sex.

And if people understood that, if women

understood it better and stopped saying,

"Oh, well, it's obviously means my sex

drive's gone." No, it hasn't. It's

there. You've just got to have great

stimulation and great sex to get it

back.

And the other thing about women is that

women we have this thing about that

women want tame and they want romance

and stuff. That's not true. So much

research now shows that women like

erotic wild sex. I mean, they've done

these experiments with women where

they'll show them erotic videos and

they'll wire up the genitals to measure

genital response. So when you're aroused

as a woman, blood flows to the genitals

same as men, and you lubricate. So,

they're watching all these videos,

various sexy videos, and they have to

say, you know, "Will anything else

dis-arouse you?" No, because society

says no, we're not supposed to be. And

the genitals are like, "Are you kidding?

What are you thinking? This is

fantastic. I'm absolutely say yes to

this. Say yes to this." So, the the you

know, the there's such a big difference

between what we're taught and what we

would like. So, if your girlfriend is

saying no to sex and you're in a

long-term relationship, it's because

you're not giving her interesting enough

sex. Give her exciting, erotic sex. Give

her something like, "Actually, this is

what we're going to do." I mean, look at

50 Shades of Grey. That got middle-aged

women wanting sex with women who hadn't

wanted sex for 20 years. I remember

being on a holiday with my husband, and

we started talking to this couple, and

it was around the time that 50 Shades

came out. And she knew what I did, and

she said um she said, "God, I hadn't

really had great sex with my partner,

wasn't interested in sex, you know, for

like 10 years. She said, "I read the

book. I'm sitting there 2:00 in the

morning. I'm looking down at my partner.

I'm thinking,

I really just want to wake him up and

have sex with him."

And she said, "And I've never And And

then she said, 'And I read the books,

and suddenly I was back into this erotic

sex with my husband that I'd just

forgotten I'd forgotten about.' Like,

you think of sex as like, 'Oh God, here

we go, kissing, bit fumbling, you know.'

And then the routine sex. But give

people something interesting. Like, all

your friends, give her really

interesting scenarios. Take her

somewhere sexy. Push her out of her

comfort zones. Don't give her romance.

Don't give her, you know, give her sexy

sex. And then they'll be interested.

Mhm.

I'm I'm thinking of my friends like

posing that and how uncomfortable they'd

feel. Really?

Like, "Babe, I want to drive to the

countryside and da da da da da." Because

you know, when you've been with someone

and you've become that kind of sibling

thing that you described earlier,

they might almost look at you with a bit

of horror? Horror, yeah. Yeah, you

wouldn't go straight from not talking

about sex to like, "And we're going to

go to a lap dancing club tonight." And

No, you have to you have to have the

conversation. You have to bite the

bullet and have the conversation because

the thing about sex is relationships, if

you haven't had sex for a year with your

partner, it is very unlikely you're

going to have sex again with your

partner, unless you confront it head-on.

If you just think, "Yeah, this will

pass, this will pass." It will never

pass. You're not going to suddenly go,

"Oh my god, look at that. We haven't had

sex for 5 years. Let's go to bed now."

No, it's got to the awkward, awkward,

awkward stage. So, I mean, 30% of

couples who've been together for 2 years

or more don't have sex. 2 years, not 10

years, 2 years. 30%. It is very easy to

get out of the habit of sex, and once

you're out of the habit of sex, the less

often you do it. And then couples get

into this thing where it's like, "God,

we haven't had sex for ages, but you

know what? Next weekend we'll have this

marathon sex session, and that'll make

up for it all." And then the marathon

sex session is like, "God, how am I

going to find time for that?" Or, you

know, "That's a bit daunting." And then,

of course, you'd have to have sex for

like 6 weeks to make up for the session.

So, it just becomes more and more

insurmountable. So, I always say to

people, just have little bite-size bits

of sex.

You know, don't have Sex doesn't have to

have a beginning, a middle, and an end.

Like, have a big snogging session. Have

a thing where he gives you oral, you

don't do any, you know, give nothing

back. Or you give him oral. Or, you

know, you just do something sensual

together. You have a bath together.

That's counts as sex. You know, people

think sex has to have intercourse in

there. It doesn't. It's the least

favorite bit for women. Take the

intercourse out.

Start doing little bite-size stuff to

reconnect sexually.

It's like a frog in a frying pan, that

old analogy of how slowly that, you

know, the frog doesn't realize it's

being heated in a frying pan until the

water is boiling and it's dead. Like, it

happens very, very gradually in

relationships.

And then you get to a point where you

go, "How the hell did we get here?"

Yeah.

And at that point,

you have to have the talk. The talk.

This is interesting cuz one of my my

friends was I was talking to him about

it, and I was saying like, "You've let

it gradually stray so far, and you're

currently letting it You're not

addressing it. You need to stage a

crisis." Mhm. It's kind of the way I

framed it to him, which was like, "You

need to say

stop. Yeah. Like, this relationship has

to stop. We have to have a conversation

now because I'm at a point now where

I'm either going to leave this

relationship or I'm going to end up

cheating or something. So, we need to

fix this together. And it needs to feel

important.

Yeah. Or else it'll be allowed to

simmer. That's exactly right. And of

course, what lots of people do in that

scenario is they just turn to porn.

Yeah. And they just satisfy themselves

with porn, but that's not ideal,

obviously. Why?

But you Well, because it's it's pretty

soulless sex, isn't it? Just watching

porn and masturbating. I do you know,

there's It's really funny about porn,

actually, because

I used to have a great relationship with

porn. I used to say to people all the

time like, "Porn is your friend. Watch

it with your partner. It's great for,

you know, if you've got a high sex drive

and your partner doesn't, it it, you

know, you can satisfy yourself. It it

keeps your imagination, you know,

piqued. You, you know, can satisfy that

sense of newness by watching porn." And

now porn's moved into a really ugly

stage with, you know, there's such a

a concentration on aggressive acts like

spitting, choking. Choking is terrible.

Um slapping across the face. It's become

very much like that, and young men are

growing up to think that this is what a

normal sex session is like. This is

normal, real-life sex. It is not. Porn

is nothing like real-life sex. And then

women look at it and go, "Gosh, right,

okay, that's obviously what's expected

of me. This is what I have to do." And

it's it's moving into a very nasty

direction. They say unmet expectations

equal unhappiness. So, by setting

expectations up here as like, Mhm.

"We're going to do this for an hour, and

I'm going to tie you up and spit on you

and choke you, and you're going to make

this sound, and you're going to scream,

and you're going to tell me I'm this,

and you're going to say that I'm your

father whatever." Yeah, yeah. Whatever

the thing might be. Then for those unmet

expectations equals unhappiness in the

bedroom. You go, "Well, you know,

I'm going to have to go looking for

something else."

Exactly. And that's what young men do

cuz they think that's what sex is going

to be about. It's not. So, then they

keep looking for the girls who will give

them that. And then girls very quickly

figure out, "Okay, if I want to be

liked, I have to do that." I've just

done a done a big thing on choking, and

and I interviewed all these young girls,

and it was it was horrifying. It was

that they'd been I mean, between 58% of

college students between the age of, you

know, like

had all been choked. I think

30% of them had been asked. And I'm not

talking about, you know, symbolic

choking of just putting a hand on the

throat, which even that freaks me out.

But I'm talking about, you know, cutting

off wind supply. There was one girl who

told me she was 21.

She'd gone out with this guy who seemed

really nice. He started choking her. She

said no. She passed out. She woke up

next to this guy who was asleep.

He then said to And then she got herself

out of there and was like, "Oh my god."

You know, terrified. He texted her the

next day and said, "Oh my god, babe, the

sex was awesome. Let's meet up again."

And she was she was just like, "How

could you possibly think that that was

good?"

And that worries me a lot. I think that

that I mean, I sex I think is moving in

a great way in lots of ways,

particularly for young women, except for

things like that. I think that is

terrible. So, you know, you don't want

to be satisfying yourself with porn. But

you have to have the conversation if sex

is now out of your marriage. You cannot

just let it go and be the elephant in

the room because exactly what you said

is going to happen. You're going to

leave or you're going to cheat.

So, you sit down with your partner and

you say,

"Listen, we really need to have a

discussion about this. I love you

desperately.

Um but I miss our sex. I really We used

to have lovely sex. I love having sex

with you. You're really desirable. It's

It's, you know, and I Can we talk about

why this isn't happening anymore?

Are you having the sort of, you know, is

it that the sex that we're having isn't

doing it for you? What can I do to make

you, you know, want to have sex more

often with me because I would really

love to have sex with you more often.

Can we have a discussion about this?"

Okay, I've got friends that have tried

that. And what happened? Um the partner

doesn't necessarily know. It's a similar

situation to what I the one in the

situation I described that I was in

where my partner turned around and said

something because they might not have

the information themselves. They go,

"Well, I just don't like having it." And

they might not know that the, you know,

the responsive sex language that you

talked about, and they might not know

what's going on with Oh, I see. The

partner might not know why she doesn't

want to have sex.

Why she or he doesn't like having sex.

Um And then you kind of hit a wall,

don't you? Well, that's when you educate

yourself. That's when you give Read a

few of my books. Yeah, yeah.

you a bit of education. But I mean,

okay, so the partner who wants sex is

generally more driven. So, maybe they

could sexually actually educate

themselves and say, "You know, I've been

reading up about this. Perhaps it might

be because of this. Can we try having

sex this way?"

But it's all about breaching the topic,

and then, I mean, depending on the

reaction, I mean, I know I've, you know,

encouraged some people to have this

talk, and then they've got an answer

which is just startling. Well, they'll

say, "I don't want to have sex anymore.

I'm not interested in solving this. So,

that's it. So, you just have to put up

with it."

That's what I That's basically Well,

what I got. If somebody says that to

you, and they really and you've tried on

several occasions, and you I I think

that is grounds for walking out myself.

And I did. Yeah.

Yeah. And a miracle seems to have Yes,

because then people do themselves a

favor. And sometimes maybe you walk out,

and then the person thinks, "Well, gosh,

actually, that's not very fair." Because

monogamy is all about, you know, I

pledge to only have sex with one person.

Well, if that person withdraws sex, then

where are you left? Apart from having

solo sex, and, you know, or you have an

agreement, "Okay, well, if you won't

have sex with me, then what are my

options? My options are to satisfy

myself, to cheat,

to you happy for me to seek the sex

elsewhere? And lots of lots of times

people will say, "Yeah, actually, I am.

I don't want to know about it.

I don't want it to be in our friendship

group. And we're going to have to have

rules about this, but, you know, some

women are more than happy with for that

to happen." Or some men are more than

happy for that to happen. It's not just

a female thing here. Men go off sex as

well. On this point of porn as well,

there was I read something recently

about the shame that it's causing in in

people. Like I I I think the study that

I read and I'm

Yeah, I think I read that, too. About

40% of men that use um that masturbate

to porn report to feeling a sense of

shame. And then it when we think about

the sort of macro, where we are in sex

as a society right now, there is a

decline of sex, isn't there, going on?

Which is quite concerning.

Yeah, there is a there's a sex

recession. And that's very much because

I mean, basically, there wasn't a sex

recession before social media,

streaming, phones. It's all to do with

that. We have too much to do. We

basically just go off sex because we

have other things to entertain us. You

know, pre all that, 10:34 on a Saturday

night, most couples were having sex.

There was nothing else to do. Mhm. That

was it. We just did two, you know,

there's that going on. So, we're too

busy. We've got too many other things on

our plate. That's the main problem with

long-term couples. Then you have, like,

I think less face-to-face communication,

which makes which makes people quite

nervous. If you haven't had sex before

and you're dealing mainly with, you

know, FaceTime calls, you know, video

calls, which is what you lots of young

people are, when you're face-to-face,

they get very nervous. They don't know

anything about body language. They don't

know how to connect, and sex becomes

scary. In Japan, there's something like

30% No, higher. I think more like 45% of

people get to the age of in their 30s

and they're virgins. They've never even

had a sexual encounter.

And they just And if you don't give your

body sex, your body doesn't want sex.

So, they could quite happily go through

life completely sexless. That's what's

going to end up happening with sex. We

are becoming less and less and less.

And, you know, the more we go into

virtual worlds

the more I mean, the amount of people

who rely on porn for sex, who can't even

be bothered going out and finding a

partner cuz it's all too difficult.

I mean, we're it's becoming less and

less about the intimacy and more and

more about just the getting off part.

We're now in an AI world as well.

Yes, terrifying. Which is very

interesting. Yes. Because you're now you

know, we've heard about sex dolls and

stuff like that over the years. But a

sex doll that can speak to you with such

depth and reason and apparent emotional

uh nuance and understanding is really,

really scary. Mhm. You can think I was

thinking about I'm thinking about this.

Thinking about all the different ways

that AI is going to disrupt us as like a

the social fabric of society. And one of

the really clear ways that was

you can now have a sex doll in your

house that speaks to you, that comforts

you, that understands your problems,

understands what you're going through,

and can give you unbelievable advice,

will never shout at you, will never

criticize you, and will please you in a

in a personalized way. It will learn how

to please you.

Sounds great, doesn't it? Fantastic.

Let's just swap our partners for that.

No, but that is we're right there. We're

on the we're on the doorstep of that

world.

And do you know what, though? Think

about all the lonely people.

Think about all the lonely people that

can now have a companion. I think Think

about it like that.

Is it a real connection?

If you're somebody who can't find a

companion in real life or you're lonely,

I mean, it's better than a dog, isn't

it? I mean, it's I I I mean, I think

that's got some really nice applications

to it. But it's also got some dire

applications to it. Because then, you

know, ultimately, we'll end up with a

with no population, will we, cuz no one

will be having sex with a real person.

Yeah.

Dave's going to be slightly more less

lonely potentially, right? But

Mhm. if we if we go up that exponential

curve of improvement, we get to a point

where this thing is walking, it's

talking, it is making making your

breakfast, your dinner, your whatever,

then it's satisfying you on demand. And

then you look over at a human and you go

uh

They're going to be more interesting

than humans, aren't they?

That's what I'm saying. They're going to

be more interesting, they're going to be

better in every way at, you know, every

way at

will be more interesting, surely. You

you think?

like somebody like a It's like a yes

person. I don't want a yes person in my

life. I want somebody who's going to

challenge me.

they do?

Yeah. People I think people will choose

the short-term Mhm. without thinking

about the long-term of like connection

and companionship over time and

challenge and different solving problems

and

You'd you know, I think the average

person, if they could be faced with a

with if they were to draw their perfect

partner, they wouldn't say, "I want

difficulty No. and challenge and

sometimes to walk out on arguments and

to be interrupted when the football's

on." Yeah.

Yeah, you're not going to put that in

there. But then I think surely over time

I don't know. I I do worry about AI with

humans and I don't share, you know, like

some people present the argument of

like, "We'll be free to do all these

amazing esoteric things." We won't.

We'll just sit there and look at social

media and get fat and drink and

sit in our rooms watching porn. That's

what we'll do. Yeah, cuz we choose the

like short-term dopamine hit over the

long-term. Yeah, instant gratification.

Gosh, that is scary. That's going to be

a huge industry. Yeah. I mean, it

already is a big industry.

But but these these living AI sex dolls

will be a huge industry.

Mhm. I don't think they've quite

perfected the robot bit, though, have

they? Um so, there's a couple of things

happening in in tandem. I mean, Elon

Musk is is is working on his own um

robots at Tesla. We have Boston

Robotics, I believe they're called, who

have been working on robots for a long

time. But um

it's going to move very quickly as as

all all exponential curves do. So, now

we've got the kind of

machine learning modeling um ML MLM AGI,

they call it, artificial general

intelligence stuff moving quickly. The

robotic side, I think, is going to gain

pace because now there's a greater

demand. But it's really, really It's one

of the things I am Did you see that film

Blade back in the day? No. I saw Lars

and the Real Real Girl. Do you remember

that? That was about a guy who had a sex

doll. Oh, really? And the whole village

um sort of accepted it. And then when he

didn't need her, he got a real person at

the end. But no, I didn't see Blade. I

just there's a scene in this film called

Blade where he puts on a headset and

it's set I mean, it was 20 years ago,

but it was set in the

in the future. Puts the headset on and

this headset, you know, is exactly that.

It's an AI that basically gets him off.

And he has the time of his life. And

actually, they sit his cup his partner

sits opposite him and they both put the

headset on.

And they Yeah, actually, I do think I

did see that. Yeah. It's a scary world.

what we'll be doing. We will be doing

that.

I mean, we're kind of going that way

already with porn. And we talked about

this sort of macro decline in sex.

Are you hopeful that we can turn that

around?

Um yes. And I have great help hope with

the young generation of women. I think

this is the first generation of women

who really have probably the least

sexual hang-ups that we've ever had. And

I think that

I mean

young women are much more adventurous

than young men. It's sort of going

in a weird direction, I think, that way.

And all the young women that I'm in

contact with I'm talking about young

women in their 20s, early 30s.

We know that young women are more

bi-curious than men. We know that young

women are more interested in threesomes

with two women than men are.

We know that young women are more

interested in going to a sex club than

men are.

We know that young women are more

interested in polyamory. And they they

don't want several love relationships.

They want

the lovely relationship, and then they

want to be able to have sex with men on

the side. It's not men thinking like

this. This is women thinking like this.

And

I think that it's going to make for more

interesting relationships. And because

the whole women are overturning

everything. Like

the motivation for affairs now has

completely reversed. So, men used to

have affairs for sex. Now most men, if

they're in a good relationship, will

satisfy that with porn, right? Most men.

Um now men have affairs for love and

affection.

Women have affairs They used to have

affairs for love that they weren't

getting from their partner. Now they

have affairs for erotic sex. Sex where

they're not looking after their partner,

they can be selfish, they don't have to

care about whether they hurt his

feelings or say, "Don't do it that way."

They're not going to care about whether

Stephen doesn't like it if he's being

instructed. It's like, "Do that. Do

this." They want that sort of sex,

right? And that's why they're having

affairs. So, I feel like my hope is that

women are going to take the charge and

go forward, and we're going to end up

with sex that's more interesting, sex

that's less doing everything to please a

man, more

equal, you know, "This is what I need.

This is what I want. This is what you

need. This is what you want. Let's work

out the best way to do that together."

Not where, you know, because so many

women still now, that's the thing that

does disappoint me,

is still have sex to please men, still

pretend to have orgasms during

penetrative sex because society's

brainwashed. We have known that women

don't orgasm basically through

penetrative sex since Kama Sutra, which

was written in the 3rd to 5th century.

And yet most men will go, "Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I've heard about that.

I've heard about that. It hasn't

happened to me. I've just been really

lucky." Or my girlfriends, you know. I

mean, it's just like they're faking.

They're faking because the girl before

faked and they feel they have to fake.

And

you know, every depiction of sex is

that, you know, everybody has this

mutual orgasm, simultaneous orgasm

together.

And that's just how sex is. Well, it's

not like that. It's it's totally not

like that at all. Speaking of young

women, in your book Great Sex Starts at

50, one of the things you talk about is

the issue of sort of sexual confidence

and sexual self-esteem. Um talk about

that in the opening chapter of the book.

And

I found it really compelling that it

really interesting that

women

view them selves differently when they

look in the mirror, which has a libido

impact. Body image is terrible. They've

just done a study which looked at

two decade 20 years of studies. So, they

did a study on all the studies on body

image. And it turns out that it impacts

every single area of sex,

regularity of sex, enjoyment of sex,

arousal, desire, orgasm. And it makes

sense that if you don't like your body,

you're not going to want anyone to look

at it or touch it. It is the biggest

problem with women today and their sex

lives is that often, you know, this is

the other thing with your friends,

you know, have they just had babies? Has

their body changed? You know, are they

not feeling so desirable? You know,

desire, I think, feeling desired by your

partner is much more important to women

than, you know, anything else. If your

partner looks at you and they, you know,

like, "God, you're so hot, you're so

sexy." That is the biggest turn-on of

all.

And if you're feeling not great about

yourself and your mindset is so much

down on yourself that you think, "I

don't even How could he possibly look at

me and think that I'm attractive?" Then

you'll never feel that you your partner

could fancy you to death, but you're

never going to feel it because your

brain's just gone, "Nope. I am not

sexually attractive anymore."

So, that is a real problem. It's a real

problem. And do you know what the

solution is for that?

It's not to go off and get a facelift or

get your hair done or lose weight or go

to the gym more. Though, actually, going

to the gym more is one. Exercise is

really good for your sex drive and for

your self-esteem.

But the other thing is that cures body

image is um is actually to have sex

more.

If you have sex more often and your

partner enjoys it, your brain goes on a

subconscious level, "Well, you know

what? It can't be that bad because he's

having sex with me or she's having sex

with me, whoever's having sex with you.

They're enjoying it." And so, you it

start your brain starts to make sense of

it all and go, "Okay, right. You know,

this is

I'm obviously not as undesirable as I

think." And it starts to sort of become

better and more able to be dealt with.

So, the more you have sex, the better

because it gives you confidence. And

sexually confident women

women who think they're good in bed. So,

increase your skills as well. If you're

worried if that you're not a great

lover, read up on it. Buy some of the

books. Go online. Look up technique. You

know, cuz technique is very important.

And the better lover you think you are,

the less you worry about what you look

like in bed. We all know that. Sexually

confident women win all the time. And

sexually confident women

put on weight the same way other people

do as they get on in life, etc., etc.

You know, their bodies are different

after pregnancy, but they don't focus on

that. They're like, "Hey, I'm a

brilliant lover. Who cares? You know,

he's not looking at that. He's just

thinking how fantastic I am."

So, it's more about increase your

confidence as a lover, exercise more,

and I mean, then the obvious, take

yourself off of social media, stop

comparing yourself to other people, all

that sort of stuff. But it's it's

difficult. It's very difficult. And I

think men suffer from this as well.

That's so unbelievably true, especially

um

especially the part that it also relates

to men because I've got multiple

accounts from female friends of mine

that are in a heterosexual relationship

that have told me their partner won't

have sex with them with his top off or

with the lights on. Um and also the

point there about how you solve that

body confidence issue, that

confidence comes from the evidence you

get from doing the thing. Yeah.

And also, if you are worried about your

body, when you're having sex, close your

eyes.

Like, close your eyes and think about

what you're feeling. It's about what it

what you're feeling, not like how you're

looking. Because if it's stressing you

out and you're looking and thinking, "Oh

my god, he's looking at my thighs. He's

looking at this." Just close your eyes

and go into yourself. Or, become more

active. That's the other way to overcome

body issues. Is if you're really active

in bed and you're like looking at your

partner and you're talking dirty and

you're making lots of eye contact that

way, anything to sort of take yourself

out of yourself is good. You either go

into yourself and focus on what you're

feeling rather than what you're looking

like, or you sort of become way more

active. That also works. Three things

that boost sexual self-esteem easily in

your book.

Initiate sex to feel more powerful. Yes,

absolutely. Initiation is such a big

thing on so many levels. And if you

don't ever initiate sex with your

partner, you're essentially saying, "I

don't actually enjoy having sex with

you. I'm only having sex with you

because you've asked me to have sex with

you."

And people argue about that. It's like,

"Well, his sex drive's way bigger or,

you know, higher and all that sort of

stuff." It doesn't matter. You really

need to have a thing where, you know, if

if your partner's got a much bigger sex

drive than you, you need to say

something, "Look, okay. It's really sexy

being the person who's the sexy one in

the relationship. That's why, you know,

it's great. It's nice to be that person.

But I want to be the sexy one in the

relationship. So, hold off on initiating

for a while and give me a chance to

initiate so that I can feel more

powerful." And it's it's such a great

dynamic that. That power dynamic in in,

you know, relationships is really

important that you have to be sometimes

the dominant person, you have to be the

submissive person. And if you swap

around, it makes for a much more

interesting sex life. But if you don't

initiate, I mean, it's a real cop-out to

never initiate sex. I really do think

so. And when women do it who don't often

initiate sex,

what often happens is that they'll be so

subtle that the man misses the point

completely. It's like, "Well, I gave him

this really sexy kiss." And it was like,

"Yeah, and? Yeah, anything else?

Anything else that went with that?" And

and he didn't even, you know, and now

I'm not going to do that again. It's

like, "Oh, for God's sake, just be

really obvious about it."

Be really obvious about it. And going

back to initiation, just be aware

that how you initiate sex

will influence whether or not your

partner says yes. So, if you initiate

sex the wrong way, your partner might

say no to sex because you just

approached it all the wrong way.

Whereas, if you approach your partner

that you know has got a responsive sex

drive by talking, cuddling, connecting,

whatever she wants could be, you know,

she might want you to

initiate sex like that. But you know,

and getting her in the mood the way she

wants to be in the mood, not the way you

would like her to get in the mood, but

the way she wants to be in the mood,

she'll probably say yes to sex. So, a

lot of people saying no to sex isn't

that they don't want sex, they're just

being approached the wrong way and

they're not being warmed up the right

way.

So, if you can solve those two basic

things, it can change everything. Feels

like there's something really fun-

fundamental here that we we assume sex

will take care of itself. It never Oh my

god. Writing all those sex books, when I

go to a dinner party, people either want

to sit next to me or they go as far away

from me as they possibly can because

they're terrified. And the people who

say to me, "Oh God, but I don't need a

sex book."

I'm like, "Yes, you do. You're the

person that needs a sex book. I've

written 17 of them and I'm still

learning about sex. There is so much to

learn about sex. How can you think you

possibly know everything about sex

without ever educating yourself?" And

it's changing. Of course it is. But

people who think that they're born great

lovers, they don't, you know, I mean,

the female response system is

complicated. Who knew what a clitoris

was back in the day? You know, like

they're difficult to stimulate.

Actually, they're not that difficult.

You just give it a vibrator and then

they're fine. But um you know, it's not

easy being a great lover. And can I just

say one more thing about orgasms is we

worry too much about orgasms and how we

get them. There is no right way to have

an orgasm because everyone thinks the

right way to have an orgasm is during

intercourse with your partner and

preferably then climaxing at the same

time. Simultaneous orgasms hardly ever

happen for a start. They're always

faked.

So,

the easiest way to give a woman an

orgasm, I mean, great women who can be

very easily orgasmic if you use the

right finger technique, if you give her

the right oral sex technique. But the

thing that is most expert at stimulating

the clitoris is vibration.

Most women can have an orgasm within 3

minutes with a vibrator. So, we have

this big orgasm gap problem where men

are having lots of orgasms during

partner sex, women aren't having very

many orgasms during partner sex because

they don't understand each other very

well, because sometimes people just just

can't relax with another person there,

right?

So, the solution is to put your hand in

the bedside drawer and bring out a

vibrator and she would have an orgasm

every single time the same way you have

an orgasm every single time. Why don't

we all just do this? It's the easiest

solution in the world. But we don't.

Young men are better at it. They'll

often say, "Oh, you know," and she'll

say, if women are honest and they'll

say, "Look, you know, that was

fantastic, but I kind of missed the

moment a bit, which you can as a woman.

Can I just use my vibrator or can you

use the vibrator on me?"

Sorted. But we have this like, "That's a

cheating orgasm." Yeah, or that it takes

something away from what sex is supposed

to be.

But it's a solution. I'm not saying have

all your orgasms like that. But just

maybe now and then have the vibrator in

the bed. And why is it inferior? If you

can have all that intimacy, if you've

had the oral sex, you've had the

intercourse, you thoroughly enjoyed it,

but it just hasn't given you that tip

over.

What I mean by that question about this

fundamental belief that kind of sex is

supposed to take care of itself. And I

think that's why we don't talk about it

enough. We don't research about it

enough. We don't um try put invest in

making it new and exciting and different

and all the things you've said is

because we just just cuz at the start it

kind of takes care of itself, doesn't

it?

it does, yeah. First couple of months

and then All the sex hormones are there

driving us, driving us without even us

having to think about it.

And then we you don't think about sex as

something you've got to work on and and

talk about and invest in and buy stuff

for and, you know, change all the time.

I've already got a job. You know, I

don't

I know.

Well, unfortunately, that's what you

have to do if you want a good sex life.

It's it's it's what you do. And the

thing is, it makes me laugh because we

put effort into every other thing. You

don't like eat the same meal every

single night. You find it buy a good

cookbook and look up recipes and

experiment with different things. And no

one goes, "Oh, that's terrible. That's

so much effort. I don't want to have to

do that. I want to know how to cook a

three-course cordon bleu meal without

even looking at a cookbook."

Well, in the movies, they never do

There's no movie where they sit and talk

about sex. What did you like? Like you

liked it when I did that. In the movies

they they come in the door and they pick

him up and they put their hands back and

they rip the dress off.

You know, and then Do you know what? I'm

the worst person to watch TV with cuz I

shout at the television. Honestly, there

was a thing called Dr. Foster. Did you

watch that? Suranne Jones was in it and

there was this couple. They'd been

together 10 years.

They woke up on a Sunday morning, right?

Sunday morning, just woke up. She's of

course full makeup, lingerie,

everything.

And next minute he's like throwing her

against the wall. They're having sex

standing up and you know, like all the I

thought, oh

for God's sake. This is a couple 10

years in. It is not happening like that.

And then even me who knows that this

doesn't happen, this is not the norm.

I'm like a little bit like and I always

turn to poor Miles and I say, you

realize that's not true. You realize

this is not a real and and he's sort of

you know, like sitting there going, yep,

yep, I do know.

Like cover your eyes.

Don't have unrealistic expectations.

Don't think you're missing out on this.

And because it's sad because people try

and they think that that hot sex at the

beginning should last a lifetime. And

when it goes and you think the next

person you meet is this going to last

forever. This is this one's going to

last forever. And then of course it dies

down and dies down and dies down and

you're like, damn it, I've got the wrong

person. You haven't got the wrong

person. It's because all the sex and

love hormones have stopped working.

That's the only way to keep having sex

the like that. The only way to keep

having that beginning sex over and over

is to swap partners. Constantly.

Constantly swap partners and you can

have that over and over again. It is

impossible to have the type of sex you

have at the start when you're fueled by

all these chemicals

at the end of a relationship or during a

relationship. Anything over 2 years it's

very You can have satisfying sex, great

sex, exciting sex, but it's not fueled

by the same hormones. So you cannot

recreate that. And if people knew that,

no matter what person you end up with,

then they would stop leaving perfectly

good relationships in search of

something that's not ever going to be

found.

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I've talked in this conversation as if

sexless relationships are unhappy

relationships. Yes. But that is not

true, is it?