Hey everyone, welcome back to OnPurpose.

Before we get into today's episode, I

just want to take a moment to

acknowledge this community we've built

here on YouTube. When we started this

journey, the intention was simple, to

create a space where we could all feel

less alone, where wisdom felt practical

and conversations explored what it

really means to live with purpose. And

you turned that into something far

bigger than I ever imagined. The

community we built together became a

place of learning, reflection, and

genuine connection. Now, this isn't a

goodbye to YouTube. It's a new chapter

in how we share these conversations.

You'll be able to watch our full video

interviews on Netflix and Spotify video,

and we'll continue showing up here on

YouTube in new ways as we keep building

this community together. The heart of

this has never changed. It's always been

about helping you live a life that feels

more intentional, more meaningful, and

more true to who you are. I'm deeply

grateful you've been a part of this, and

I can't wait to continue this journey

together. It's just the beginning.

Today's episode felt like the perfect

moment to look back. This is a

collection of some of the most powerful

conversations we've shared over the

years. The moments that challenged us,

shifted us, and stayed with us. Let's

dive in. I think to myself, I'm like,

how can I make Selena's day better?

Like, how what can I do in my day to

make her day better? Because then that

makes my day better. And I wanted to

find a person like that. And I know when

Selena wakes up, like the first thing

she's thinking is like, how can I make

his day better? And we have such a give

and take. Like, I could never even see a

world where I would ever yell at her.

She would ever yell at me. Like, we

don't argue like that. Like, I feel like

I feel like we just have conversations.

Like, there's never an argument.

Sometimes she'll say, "This is so

funny."

>> Oh boy.

>> No, no, no. She'll do this and it's

really cool. I'm feeling a little

irritated and I think I need like 25

minutes. And I'll say, "Okay." And then

I give her her space. And then after

like 5 minutes, she text me. She's like,

"Hey, will you come back and miss?" But

but it's but it's knowing that and we

have the proper boundaries set with each

other. Like I don't have to be on top of

her every second. She doesn't have to be

on top of me every second we're

together. I just want to know she's in

the house so I can say like, "Hey, I

love you." And then go back to what I'm

doing. You know what I mean? Cuz look,

we're both highly independent people.

Okay. But we're both little mushes who

just need to be attached.

>> No, we are so cheesy. It's so fun.

>> Yeah. I love the maturity. I mean,

hearing you both talk about it.

>> Yes. But let's be clear. We are not the

perfect. It's not perfect. But you're

disagreeing. No. No, no, no. But I I

think the maturity of and and I agree

with you. I think I think that's

actually the difference and I'm glad you

brought that up. I think there's a big

difference between maturity and

perfection. Perfection is saying we

never have a disagreement. We never have

to take space from each other. We you

know, which you're not saying. You're

saying, hey, I just asked for 25 space

and then I was like, wait a minute, I

need you. And I think there's a maturity

in that because it requires maturity

from both parts for you to first say,

hey, I need space.

>> For you to say, I get it. I respect you.

And then for you to have the maturity to

say, actually, I want you back. And for

you to be like, not like, oh, I told you

so. For you to be like, I'm here for

you. Like that that's not perfection. To

me, that's maturity. And I think that's

I really want people to get that from

it. That you are going to have

disagreements. You are going to want

space. Like me and Raleigh went through

that. She at the beginning of our

relationship, if we had a disagreement,

and we were the same. We never we made a

rule that we would never raise our

voices at each other because I came from

a home where it was not great. She comes

from a home where her parents don't

raise their voices.

>> But I was just like I never wanted that

in my home. I wanted the energy of my

home to be so sacred and I wanted the

energy of the home to always have a

space where everyone just walked in and

felt like a warm hug. And I was like we

can't argue and then expect that to

happen. But it took a long time for us

to realize that when she at the start of

our disagreements, she wanted space. And

I used to say to her, "Well, if you

don't want to talk about it right now,

that means you don't care about me." And

that wasn't true. She just needed space

to process. So, it took time for us to

mature, for me to realize, wait a

minute, you wanting space is you caring

the relationship.

>> When you start dating someone, you're

not only dating them. You're dating

every single person they've ever dated,

every single relationship they've ever

had in their past, every because you're

getting every piece of baggage that that

person's carried and that what they've

learned through their own personal life,

through the life with partners, with

their parents, with this that and

I had to find a way

to build that trust with her, not make

it feel overbearing and make it feel

real and make her actually believe it.

and vice versa. Like I know that she

fully tr if I say, "Hey, I'm just going

to do this today." There's nowhere in

her mind that's thinking that. And if

for any chance that she I always told

her, I said, "It's okay if you have

moments of doubt in something in a

feeling, always talk to me and I'll talk

you through anything that you may have."

You know, if you say, "Hey, I know this

is a crazy thing. I just had a dream and

I woke up from this dream and I was

upset. Sometimes she'll just say like,

"Please tell me I can trust you or

please tell me you're not doing anything

stupid." And I say, "You can call me

anytime you want." And I'm aware of

her strengths and I'm aware of her

weaknesses. And what I try to do is

surround her with a lot of things to

help her. So, if she's away and I have

to go to a dinner, then a party, then

this thing, then that thing,

>> it's a simple text in between each

things that says, "Hey, babe, I'm going

to this next thing. I'm thinking about

you."

>> Wait, so the album

>> I said, "I love you first."

>> Yes.

>> So, Selena, you said I love you first.

>> Yes. She said it a

>> What made you want to say that? Because

that's a big step. I say

>> I definitely have never been the first.

>> So, this is the first time in your life

you were the first. pass.

>> Wow.

>> I wanted him to also know how committed

I was. And deep down I just felt that.

And I

>> I I was tired of protecting myself. We

had spent enough time together where

you know I felt like this was my person

and I I had the courage enough to say it

but I was very nervous and luckily he

said it back. And the thing that's crazy

is, you know, before you say I love you,

it's like this thing. It's like taboo.

You're scared to say, and then after

you're like, "Oh my god, I can't." Like,

you want to say it a thousand times in a

row. You never want I can't even

understand how I went so long without

saying it to her. I say it 3,000 times a

day to her. And like I I make sure every

day I say, "I love you so much. Like, I

love you a million times." And then I

always tell her how beautiful she is and

how lucky I am to have her every day,

you know. And I

>> That's so annoyingly cute.

>> And I always want No. And I always want

to do that because I want her to know

that every day

>> I don't take any of

>> anything for granted. And I still look

at her and my breath gets taken away in

so many different ways. And I I said it

to her last night. We were sitting we we

were in like the pool or something

together last night and we were just

hanging out and I was just like

you're so beautiful. And I don't mean

that just physically. I'm saying like

you can feel it. There's like a ring

like an aura around her that exudes just

like warmth and it and it just

>> you're like making me want to cry.

>> How do you react in the moment when that

happens, Selena? Cuz Benny, we're

basically the same person. I do the same

thing to my wife.

>> I do that to Radi all the time.

Rally will just pull the funniest face

in the world. Yeah. I was like, how do

you react when when Benny's telling you

all these amazing things? Selena, what

do you say?

>> Because I I say, no, let's be honest. I

also am equally grateful and I tell him

that all the time.

>> I I just it makes me feel like it's not

real. And I'll like sometimes I'll be

like, "This seems too good to be true.

like he's so sweet to me. But now I've

accepted it. I think I I actually love

it so much that it just makes me want to

give him that support and that love

back. So, um it's safe to say I feel

much safer doing that now. And I like

it. I think so many people feel that

when someone's that nice and that's

coming from someone who's like that

myself with friends, family, and

obviously with my with my wife too. A

lot of the time that's seen as a

weakness. Like people kind of look down

on it when someone's that open about

their feelings. Especially I get asked

that a lot when I'm giving relationship

or dating advice. People be like, "Oh

no, but if if I come on too strong,

people get turned off." what this time

was different for you where it's like

he's he's being really affectionate,

he's being really open, but there's a

part of you that realizes that's what

you want and that's what you deserve.

>> What I felt for Benny, it was it was

everything about him was honest. It

wasn't just that he was honest with me.

He was honest about where he was at in

life and um he'll tell me anything that

he's feeling and it made me feel like I

could do the same. But he's the one

person, you know, when you're saying

those nice things to me, babe, that's

like so sweet that I believe to where

I'm not going to believe someone who is

blowing smoke up my butt to just make me

feel good. He's saying it cuz he means

it

>> and I believe it.

>> Yeah, that's beautiful. That honesty

that someone has in every area of their

life, including their bad days, their

tough days, their challenging days. Then

when they're saying that,

>> yeah,

>> whether their day is good or bad and

they feel that way, it resonates with

us. I think we all we all sense that

>> the biggest drug, it's not cocaine, it's

not heroin, it's not uh Molly or

opioids. And the biggest drug is fame.

>> And now it's more accessible in

different doses.

>> It's the it's the biggest drug. And the

reason why it's the biggest drug because

it's a drug that makes you feel like you

are powerful and like everywhere you go,

anything you want, everything you want.

It's it's a thing. And if you can't

handle this thing, the consequences

attached

>> Yeah.

>> to when that thing is removed are

severe. Nobody prepares you

for the world of fame. M

>> there is no handbook. There is no

outline. There is no guide by guide.

Step one to step 10. There's nothing.

You get it and yesterday you weren't and

today you are.

>> And tomorrow you're not.

>> Well, no, we're done. People get shell

shocked.

>> That to me has always been the point of

no return.

>> Yeah. At the end of the day, this can

wear off if and when however sees or

decides and if that were to happen.

Well, what am I? Where am I?

It's all going to it's all going to send

it back to are you happy with who you

are and what you did? Are you at a point

where you are okay?

>> Do you know you and are you okay with

you? If you are not, it'll break you.

your energy is incredible and and just

the depth. What I love about this and

this was my vision with the show and

you're helping me achieve that which I'm

very grateful for is I don't think and I

love that you've been doing this more

and more with the audible with

heartto-heart like we're getting to see

your depth. We're getting to see the

mind behind you. Again, as we said

earlier, we like to limit people. We

like to limit people into like you just

be a comedian or you just be a race car

driver or you just be a actor. And it's

like we're starting to realize that like

you said, you're not just watching

someone's life on TV. There's a human

here. There's there's a story here. And

we're getting that with you. Do you

think it was was this something was this

an epiphany that you had before the

accident or was it that this really

because in your audible when you talk

about like how when it's just silent,

>> you figure out what really matters. Like

when I heard that, I was just thinking

like our neardeath experiences. You were

told when you came out of it, you should

be dead and you're like, well, I don't

remember anything. Does that feel like

that was a moment that there is a

massive awakening or were you already

kind of working with some of this?

>> No, I I had a I was always a transparent

and authentic person, but

>> you definitely change.

>> That's what you you definitely change.

And by the way, still changing. I'm not

sitting in front of you. Yes. As a

unflawed man. Like I I am my dad's child

and my I'm my mother's child as well.

There's nothing more humbling

than a quiet room. There's nothing more

humbling than the realization

of

what is really like necessary.

>> What you take for granted and what we

don't think twice about. It's not until

that's compromised that the true

appreciation for life. I feel like can

sometimes be had. I don't want to speak

for everybody because I think there are

some people that truly do

get it and that truly do thank whatever

their space um or version of a higher

power is daily for life and for what

they do. Um, you know, I believe in God,

so I'm I'm not as spiritual as some may

be, but I'm very thankful for the life

that God has allowed me to to live and

the opportunities that I've been able to

embark upon. But I got a lot more

appreciation

after

life was almost gone,

>> right? Like, do you really appreciate

your toes?

>> Do you really appreciate your fingers?

Like do you really think about your

movement, your joints, vision, smell? Do

you really think about how fortunate

and and lucky you are? It's the only

time where I get a little where I slow

up,

>> right? And when when I'm slowing up,

it's because the reality of that was

significant. I really almost died my

kids and all that. Like what? as I'm

moving so fast. I didn't even have

everything dialed up for if said thing

were to happen, what what Oh, because

I'm I'm out here. I'm just roaming. I'm

out here aimlessly living and I'm moving

so fast. I've yet to grasp the true

concept and reality

>> of responsibility immediately. Let me

get my responsibilities in order because

if that had have been

>> Mhm. There would have been a lot of

people with their hands up as to what,

how, when. Fame is great. The lights are

great. Kevin Hart, Kevin Hart, Kevin

Hart, number one, number one, number of

one. I was in that room

is my goddamn wife, my brother, my kids.

You look around,

you got a lot of friends, you got a lot

of people that love you, but then you

start to, well, what really matters?

That's when my mindset started to

change.

That's when you go, okay, my approach to

just me and working on me, it needs to

be different.

I've contradicted myself a lot since,

you know, I want to slow down. I'm going

to make sure I give my family more time.

I have. That doesn't mean that there

can't be more.

>> The day-to-day battle of am I giving

enough? Am I Guys, you know how much dad

loves you. I'm here. I'm like, you know,

always working to make sure I do more,

but is it enough? Mhm.

>> Am I a workaholic? Okay. But that's not

a bad thing because I'm You love to

work. Yes, you do. That's a passion. You

get You got something that you go after

every day. That is a driving source for

me. I'm not in the business of letting

that go. But boy, you better put your

hands on these people and make sure

>> you better make sure that you are giving

the time that you said you would when

you were in that time of solace. Okay.

All right. I'm constantly talking to

myself. I have these conversations all

the time. That's the beauty of taking my

little runs. The beauty of working out,

being in the gym, you talk to yourself.

>> You better talk to yourself.

>> You better have conversations. Figure

out a ying and yang of good and bad. For

me,

it was about personal evolvement after

that accident

>> and still trying. Man, it's the biggest

battle. It's the big the biggest battle

is just doing right all the time. M

that's a battle.

>> I used to value I mean

stuff.

I live in an area where there would be

fires a lot and there was probably four

times we had to fully pack up the house,

everything out, houses catching on fire,

property caught on fire, like really

close to losing everything. first time

packed up my entire shoe and bag closet

and a lot of them cuz they were memory

stuff from my dad, stuff in high school,

but all designer stuff also videos,

photos, whatever. Digitized everything.

Put everything important somewhere else.

Second, pack up the designer stuff, but

leave some leave some of the clothes.

You know, I don't really need all the

clothes, but I packed a hotel for

months. bags and every designer thing

that I had had to come. Third time,

leave all the bags and shoes. I don't I

don't need them. We got all the We got

all the photos. We got all the my little

blankie when I was little, you know, the

kids stuff. Fourth time leave,

everything. Me and my babies, that's all

I need. You know, I have all my photos

digitized. I have everything digital.

We got our passports. We're good.

>> Yeah. and that like evolution of like

they had to go in and get all my

designer stuff or I'm not leaving my

house, you know, it's going to catch on

fire. And now I'm like

>> nothing is worth it. Nothing is

important.

>> And I think that comes from life

experiences,

scary experiences, things shaking you to

your core to make you realize that

nothing is important. You can't I know

everyone says this, but like you can't

take it with you. None of it is

important.

>> Yeah. There's a beautiful Islamic

proverb that says detachment doesn't

mean that you own nothing. It means that

nothing owns you.

>> And I feel so often we become owned by

>> our dreams, our desires, our pursuits,

our things.

>> It doesn't mean that we have to give

them all away or we don't have those

things. It's just if and when we have to

let go.

>> Totally.

>> Are we willing? Are we able to let go?

>> Totally. Even with work stuff, I mean,

it doesn't just have to be the material

things

>> like you said, like your dreams. And

it's okay to be able to let go, but work

so hard to like the opposites are okay.

>> Contradicting yourself a little bit in

those ways.

>> Yeah. You know, it's like in in

relationships, you can love a person,

miss a person so much, but still have

the wisdom to know they're not your

person, and you're better off not

together. That like opposite connection

with everything, I think, is really

important to have that awareness in

everything in life, relationships,

material things, all of that.

>> Yeah. I I I I officiated a wedding a few

years ago and someone came up to me from

the audience and and said to me,

Jay, I realized from what you were

saying that they' just gone through a

breakup recently. And they were saying,

Jay, I realized that I love that person,

but we didn't like each other anymore.

>> And it was that essence of like there'll

always be that deep love for each other.

>> Yeah. Yeah. But we just don't

>> like family, you know, like you love

people and

>> but it's okay to to feel a protection of

a person but then also protecting

yourself and realizing when you have to

>> and when it's time and it's okay to feel

all of the opposite emotions. You know,

I think as long as you're really well

aware

>> and go through the motions and feel

things and don't hold things in, it's so

important. Whether it's, you know,

breakups, deaths, I've always been

really clearheaded

and like gone through the feelings, gone

through the emotions more in those

relationships,

more in those lifelong

relationships that you hope for. And

then also be okay and calm and realizing

I've always been someone like okay my

dad died what why is this happening what

was his purpose here and how are we

going to grow and learn from this

experience

and I always said that like right when

he passed and I was felt it and super

emotional about it and you know cry all

the time when great things happen that I

wish he was here but also I had of

wisdom at like a younger age to

understand that this is like a part of

our journey and a part of our like

evolution and this happens and this is

why you have to hold on to relationships

even more precious

but

don't let things destroy you at the same

time we live in a very busy chaotic

world lots of noise

distraction I mean how many times have

you heard people say oh you know social

media and like all the you know people

can't walk down the street without

listening to music. Everybody has to be

visually stimulated all the time. Like

there is no peace. There is no quiet.

We're we're not comfortable being quiet

with ourselves and

looking inward and asking ourselves why

am I here? What am I doing? Or what is

my intention in this specific choice I'm

making right now? Whether it's about my

work or the way I'm raising my children,

decisions that I make about everything

really.

>> Yeah. I have to ask myself. And if you

don't have a spiritual life, you're

never going to stop and ask any

questions. You're just going to plow

through life. And if you just and and

you're going to see everything that

happens to you as just a random event.

And I don't believe that anything is

random. I think everything that happens

to us is meant to happen to us um to

teach us some kind of a lesson. But you

know, the question is, are you aware

enough? Are you awake enough? Are you

interested enough to find out what that

reason is? Like why did this happen to

me? What is my lesson? I don't want to

go through life seeing everything that

happens to me as random. But I also

don't want to go through life as a

victim. And I've had a pretty

challenging life. And it's easy to fall

into the trap of feeling sorry for

yourself or like being a victim or, you

know, why why isn't this happening to

other people? Why is it happening to me?

Why don't I have what that person has?

I'm sure you know the expression

comparison is the killer of joy. So, you

know, it's like to you got to to get out

of that game. You have to have a

spiritual life. You just have to.

>> You're reminding me of

something beautiful that I came across

called the third space theory. Have you

heard of it?

>> It's this idea that as humans around 50

years ago, we had three spaces. So we

had work, we had home, and then you had

a temple, a synagogue, a church, a

community center, or a third space. And

the point of that third space, it's kind

of what you're saying, was a place that

you could look back at work and home,

and you could reflect on your life, you

could take stock, you could introspect.

But as time's gone on, what's happened

is we lost that third space. We stopped

going to temple, church, community,

whatever it may

>> self-reflection,

>> a place of self-reflection.

>> And we ended up with working home. And

then after the pandemic, we lost work.

And so now we're in one space and we

don't have a different vantage point to

where we are anymore, which is what I

think you're saying.

>> Go back on even one more step. That to

me is like a prison. Get if you get if

you remove the spiritual life, spiritual

practice, you remove the workplace, then

you you're in the home and then removed

once more from home is you're looking at

your phone.

>> Which is even takes you out of home.

>> It's a great point. Yeah.

>> So, where are you? You're nowhere.

>> We're living in the virtual world. Yeah.

We're living in the virtual world. Not

even in the material world. We're just

>> Yes. But a virtual and a virtual world

is not a bad world. But if you don't

have consciousness, there's really no

point to living.

>> Yeah. It's Yeah. So it's it's it's

interesting to think about that because

I feel like everyone can relate to the

idea that if we all had we need physical

spaces to sometimes make us do internal

things.

>> Yes. I mean some kind of ritualistic

behavior h has to happen.

>> What have been your rituals? I'm

intrigued. What I'm curious what are

your spiritual practices and rituals

that have been so supportive and

emblematic of your journey that have

kept you going at the times as you said

there were so many times you could give

up or things could go wrong or you kept

pushing and you kept they kept you

locked. What were they? What are they?

>> Well, one really important thing is

studying. Making time every week to sit

down and study. I mean you can study

the Bible, you can study the poetry of

Cahil Gibbran or you can study the

vadas. You you know

>> and you did that right? You actually

studied different traditions on your

>> I mean to be honest before I discovered

Cabala I I was looking for answers. And

>> why do you think that was? Why were you

looking for answers? Because I had

everything that

people would assume would give you

happiness. I had successful career. I

had fame, fortune, monetary things,

physical things, but I wasn't happy. And

I naturally sought out, well, when I was

a dancer, I had a roommate. She was a

Buddhist, and she would get up and chant

every day. And so I was very intrigued

by that. Like nothing bothered her. You

know what I mean? Everything bothers me.

Everything bothers me. I'm, you know,

I'm a Leo. I'm I'm Italian. I'm very

dramatic. Um I wouldn't say she was

peaceful all the time, but I was just

struck by her confidence

>> and her um knowingness that everything

was happening for a reason. She never

got upset about things. And this is in

the beginning of my career when I was

living in New York and I was broke and a

lot of crazy things happened to me,

really scary, traumatic things. And I

would always ask her, her name is

Mariana, I would always say, "What? Like

why are you like never upset?" So I

attributed that to her spiritual life,

but it didn't speak to me. And then

later on, I started practicing yoga,

Ashtanga yoga, and my teacher Eddie um

Stern, he still has a

>> love Eddie. He's great. you know Eddie.

Yeah, he's amazing.

>> I got quite caught up in and competitive

about like first series, second series,

third series. But one thing I noticed is

that a lot of people would come into his

his practice, his studio where he

taught, and they wouldn't even do the

poses. They would just go and sit in

front of the statue of Ganesha or light

candles or prayer. And I realized and

Eddie pointed it out to me because

sometimes I would have injuries. I would

or I would be traveling and I couldn't

practice yoga. and he'd say, "Look, are

you breathing?" And I'd say, "Yes." And

he said, "You're practicing yoga." So, I

realized that I was too still too caught

up in the physical poses. And he's like,

"No, you don't understand. You're

missing the whole point. The poses are

just something that you do to breathe

through to calm your nervous system down

and to bring you back to your center."

And that really spoke to me. You know,

you always get asked when you're like

promoting these big films like, "So, do

you guys hang out on set?" And like, "Do

you guys hang out?" And like, "Are you

all friends?" And everyone sort of like

nods enthusiastically. But the truth is,

no one has seen each other outside of

work. Like, very, very, very rarely.

Mostly because the schedule is insane.

Everyone's so tired that when they get

any time off, you're going straight back

to your hotel room to try to like claw

in any piece of rest that you possibly

can. And like I don't know like it

friendships

require time and trust and presence and

those things like very rarely come

about. They they can and they like do

occasionally but it it's more of a more

of a you know solar eclipse than a than

an everyday situation. So yeah, but you

have to pretend. I think that's the part

that starts to feel icky after a while

is like you you have to pretend that

you're all best friends. And what's so

sad and and I I know this isn't just the

case for me, but like I think people

wish they were.

>> I think we wish we did have those real

connections and we did have that real

support. And so having to pretend that

something exists that you actually

really want but don't have is like

>> it's like pretty grainy in the wound,

you know? It's like it's pretty like

tough pill to swallow to have to act out

something that you wish were real but

isn't real.

>> Um and I think that's the part that

starts to kind of

>> Yeah, I can only speak for myself but

those are definitely the moments where

I've been like this feels dark like is

anyone else like this feels dark. Um

>> and and there's such a real reminder

that it's still work and it's almost

like asking anyone who works at any

company and saying, "Hey, do you hang

out with your team after work every

night?" And the answer is probably no.

Yeah. No. Everyone's go home to their

family. And maybe you've got a couple,

of course, you got a couple of friends

at work. And it's wonderful if you have

a friend at work that you work out with

or see after hours, but you're not

hanging out as the whole crew. It's it's

very unlikely.

>> 100%. and and it and it is that reality

check of no but this is also just work

>> and their their character stories are

not their personal stories and it

doesn't and that's why I wanted to go

back you mentioned there you talked

about how Harry Potter had a family feel

>> and I wanted to ask you like how did

that come about in the first like what

what was where where did the auditions

come from like how did that become a

part of your life

>> yes so I did not go to a performing arts

school I'd never done anything. I never

acted professionally, but they came they

they did like a basically countrywide

search to find Harry, Hermione, and Ron.

And so they asked my school if they

wanted to submit any students who love

drama who wanted to audition. And so I

was one of I think about 12 students

that was asked if I wanted to audition.

I don't know. It was weird. I had this

weird weighted fated sense of destiny

pretty much from the moment that that

they said they mentioned the audition. I

remember I brought I think maybe like

seven different Beanie Babies with me

along and like all these different like

lucky talismans and I loved the world

and the books so much. My dad had been

reading them to me before bed when I

would spend the weekends with him and on

long car journeys. We'd often drive back

and forwards to France and that's how

the time would be passed. And so I was

just like loved the world, loved

Hermione. And for me it wasn't so much

about acting so much as it was that like

I just the books meant

so much to me personally.

>> Did you feel like it was destiny for you

or did it feel like did you always feel

like it was going to be this?

>> I always

>> obviously the books were already you

know

>> I always felt like Hermione was I knew I

was never auditioning for anything else

like I knew it was her. I don't know. I

don't know how to explain it. Something

felt right about it. And

my yeah, my poor parents because if I

hadn't have got it, I think they knew

how crush I ended up doing nine

auditions over a period of over a year

and a half, which for a 9-year-old is

>> a long

>> a massive commitment. But I was I loved

her. I loved it. I really did. What I

try to do is just try to be still

>> and understand that things come and go.

Emotions come and go. The important

thing is to accept them all, to embrace

them all, and then you can choose to do

with them what you want versus being

controlled by emotion. You know, a lot

of times I've seen players, even myself,

you know, when I was younger, being

consumed by a particular fear, um, and

to the point where you're saying, "Okay,

no, it's it's not good to feel fear. I

shouldn't be nervous in the situation."

Like, not and it does nothing but grow

versus stepping back and saying, "Yeah,

I I am nervous about the situation.

Yeah, I am fearful about the situation,

but what am I afraid of?" And then you

kind of unpack it

>> and then it gives you ability to look at

it for really what it is, which is

nothing more than your imagination.

running his course, you know.

>> Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. I love that

because what you're saying is that when

you're dealing with something, it's

almost like how can I get to the root of

it?

>> Yeah.

>> Because sometimes what we're dealing

with, like you're saying, it's an

imagination and illusion. It's not

really

>> it's not it's not really a thing, you

know, like you think about game-winning

shots and

>> or game-winning free throws and people

go to the free throw line and they're

nervous about it. Well, what are you

really nervous about? If you unpack

that, okay, you you're nervous that

you're going to miss the shot. All

right, so you miss the shot, then what

happens? People are going to be

embarrassed. You're going to be

embarrassed because thousands of people,

millions of people see you missed a

shot. All right? And then what? People

are going to talk bad about you. Okay?

Right? And so you're looking at it go,

are those things even important?

You know what I mean? If that is my

fear, like what what is you're worried

about letting your teammates down? Okay.

Have you let them down before? Oh, I'm

sure in practice and things of that

nature, right? They're still there.

>> Yeah.

>> You know, and so when you're able to

unpack it, you kind of look at it for

what it is, which is really nothing.

>> Yeah. I love that breaking it down. I

think that's so important. And I think

everyone who's listening or watching

right now, next time you're facing a

fear, next time you're going against

something, do that. Like literally

unpack it. Don't just settle for your

first answer because the first answer is

rarely the right one.

>> Yeah. Don't hide from it. You know, you

got to be able to look at it and, you

know, and and and deal with it head on.

>> Yeah. I love that, man. And and you talk

about that because you talk about, you

know, when you talk about missing uh

five throws, you talk about uh getting

over yourself.

>> Yeah.

>> Right. Like getting over yourself. How

did you get that mentality of just being

like, I need to get over this. Like, I

need to get over myself.

>> You know, trial and error.

>> You know, you grow up and you make

game-winning shots and it's awesome. And

you come back the next day and miss a

game-winning shot and it's misery. And

then the next day comes and you're back

playing again. And you understand that

life has this cyclical nature where

it's, you know, what you do on Monday is

fantastic, but then Tuesday is a bad

day. But guess what? There's Wednesday.

So, are we just supposed to live our

lives like this the whole time? you

know, versus just standing like this and

understanding that it's really just a

journey of

>> evolution every day. It's just constant

improvement, constant curiosity,

constantly getting better. The results

don't really matter. Uh it's the

figuring out that matters.

>> Yeah. And we all get obsessed about the

results.

>> Yeah.

>> Like we get obsessed about like the

output,

>> not the input of not figuring it out and

not like changing things. What you said,

trial and error, like the experimenting.

Yeah.

>> We forget to do that.

>> It's unfortunate, man. Like I I've seen

a lot of players um especially now, you

know, in youth basketball dealing with

that. Um you have players that are like

bigger and faster and stronger and you

know their coaches are just coaching

them for results. You know, we're just

going to use your size that cuz you're

bigger than every other 12-year-old out

there to dominate today, but they're not

growing,

>> right? So they're just based on that

result, but they're not focused on

growing this young child.

>> Yeah. into becoming a better athlete and

through that teaching them how to become

a more well-rounded person and we're

missing that.

>> Yeah. See what you've said there just it

I want to ask you this and I'm not

saying cuz I you know like you know

yourself best and you know how you've

got there. So I'm asking it from a place

of humility of learning. When I look at

you I'm like you know your superpower

isn't just your work ethic. Your

superpower isn't just like figuring

things out. Your superpower is like you

think strategically. Like that's a very

strategic thought of saying this person

could be this in the future if they were

developed as a whole individual

>> rather than just like let's use them for

the short term.

>> Where did you develop that from that

ability to see beyond to think deeper to

to reflect deeper? Where did that come

from?

>> Well, I had to do that because you know

I grew up growing up in Italy. Um when I

first moved over there it was you know I

didn't speak Italian. I didn't have any

friends. you know, I had the game of

basketball and through sport and playing

soccer, I was able to make friends and

build connections, but it was a lot of

time spent alone and and when I came

back to the States, I wasn't the most

athletic kid, you know? I was really

scrawny, like really really skinny and

had like major knee issues cuz I was

growing. So, I was the dorky kid with

high socks and big old knee pads.

>> It's fashionable now.

>> It's fashionable now. It wasn't then. It

wasn't then. And and so um I had to look

long term because in the here and now I

couldn't compete with these kids. I mean

there's kids that were like 12 years old

with beards. Like I can't what am I

supposed to do with that? Like they're

they're doing windmills and dunking

backwards and I'm happy to like tap the

backboard, you know? So I had to look at

it from a long term cuz I wasn't going

to give up on the game,

>> right?

>> So I had to say, okay, this year I'm

going to get better at that.

>> Next year this and then so forth and so

on. and then patiently I was able to

catch him.

>> The quote is, "If you have a problem

with me, text me. And if you don't have

my number, you don't know me well enough

to have a problem with me."

>> That is so good.

>> And I think that that is such a great

piece of advice because as a celebrity,

you live on this stage. You live out

there. You kind of give out a version of

yourself that you want people to see.

>> And that can be the version of yourself

that they can have a problem with or

they can love. And there is a, you know,

I feel like I'm quite authentic in my

public persona, but I just try to really

care about what my family thinks, what

my friends think, what the people in my

local community think. I live in

Kingston. I know everyone that lives

there. I can't walk 5t without bumping

into one of my mom's friends. So, yeah.

So, it's something I've been working on.

I try my best to not let that stuff

affect me. It does.

>> Yeah, of course.

>> I'm not cold-hearted or anything like

that. It does affect me, but I just try

to to move on and focus on the

positives.

>> Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. What What

was the Did you ever see your dad deal

with everything and you thought, "Wow,

that was incredible." Like, was there

anything specific that you remember that

like seeing him like tackle something

and you thought, "Wow, that really

impressed me." Even if it was something

really small in hindsight.

>> I think the thing I admire most about my

dad is his resilience. You know, he's

someone who has had an incredibly

successful career in his earlier life

and then later in life, his career sort

of plateaued and he struggled and he's

never stopped. He's never given up. He's

still gigging to this day. He's still

writing books. He has a patron. He has a

podcast. He's constantly grafting to get

to where he wants to be. And I think

being a young kid and seeing your dad

continually working as hard as he can to

kind of put his best foot forward for me

has been a huge drive for my work ethic.

I'll give it 100% or I'll give it

nothing. And I think a lot of that has

come from my dad and seeing him deal

with that. The funny thing about my dad

is you talk about doing a bad gig. I

must have seen him 20 times. I've never

seen him do a bad gig. He always seems

to absolutely rip it. Um but maybe

that's just cuz we're in the audience.

But he um but no I I I owe a lot to my

dad and a lot of the teachings are

things he's told me and things I've just

witnessed him do.

>> Yeah. And was there ever a piece of

feedback or a rumor or something you saw

that did affect you where you actually

thought well or at least made you stop

and god I'm trying to see the positives

but this one's tough like like this

actually made me have to pause and

figure it out. Something that did really

upset me. I was in New York. I was

shooting the crowded crowded room and I

was having a really hard time with the

job just because of how taxing it was,

the emotional capacity that I was having

to get to every day. And

I decided to delete my Instagram because

I just felt like I was so addicted to

this kind of false version of my life

that it was just taking over. I would be

on set working, I'd come and sit in my

chair and just scroll, scroll, scroll,

scroll, scroll. And it was it was

becoming a problem. I was just obsessed

with it. And I was obsessed to find out

what people were saying and how people

what they thought about me. So I decided

to make an announcement which

unfortunately we have to do and say that

I'm taking a break from social media.

And I and I tried to position myself and

say like I'm taking a break from social

media because I feel like my mental

health will benefit from it. And the

thing that really upset me is the press

ran with that and they tried to make out

that I was having this mental breakdown.

And what upset me was if I was having a

mental breakdown, that's not for you to

report on. They they they took the story

in the wrong direction. And they try

they painted again this negative light

on mental health. Rather than saying,

"Oh, he's doing it. It's okay that he's

doing it, so we should all feel okay to

do it, too." They were saying, "Oh,

look, he's not the perfect happy golucky

kid you think he is. He's having a

nervous breakdown in New York." And I

think that that was a really unfair line

of journalism, let's say, because I just

think it again kind of painted people

looking for help in the wrong light, if

you know what I mean.

>> Yeah.

>> Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. It almost

sounds like you were actually

preemptively

going, I'm doing this so that I don't

>> go in that direction. Totally. At least

I'm not trying to put words in your

mouth, but it's like it's almost like

I'm proactively seeing that I could end

up in a position where

>> I might have a breakdown. I don't want

to be in that position and so I'm

responsibly saying, "Guys, I'm taking a

break in order to protect myself."

>> 100%.

>> Yeah. Which makes a lot of sense and

actually is quite admirable again.

>> Totally. And that's kind of what the

message of the show is about. Like the

the message of our show is that asking

for help should be something that we

celebrate. If you're struggling, if you

need help, if you feel bad and you wake

up and and you go to a friend, a

therapist, a teacher, an employee or a

colleague and say, "I'm really

struggling. I need some help." That

should be something that we give you a

pat on the back. Like, I would love to

help you. That I'm I'm delighted that

you asked me. And that for me, that

announcement was kind of my olive branch

and the press ran with it how they ran

with it. But to be fair, it kind of gave

me a great drive to finish the crowded

room in the way that we did to like if

you're not going to listen to my

personal message, then you have to

listen to the message of my show.

>> Yeah.

>> So, it kind of went hand in hand. I just

wanted to do dry January and all I could

think about was having a drink. It's all

I could think about. I was waking up

thinking about it. I was checking the

clock. When's it 12? And it just really

scared me. I just was like, "Wow, maybe

maybe I have a little bit of an alcohol

thing." So, I sort of decided to punish

myself and say, "I'll do February as

well. I'll do two months off. If I can

do two months off, then I can prove to

myself that I don't have a problem."

Two months go by and I was still really

struggling. I felt like I couldn't be

social. I felt like I couldn't go to the

pub and have a lime soda. I couldn't go

out for dinner. I was really, really

struggling. and I started to really

worry that maybe I had an alcohol

problem. Um, so I decided that I would

wait until my birthday, which is June

1st. I said to myself, if I can do 6

months without alcohol, then I can prove

to myself that I don't have a problem.

And by the time I had got to June 1st, I

was the happiest I've ever been in my

life. I could sleep better. I could

handle problems better. Things that

would go wrong on set that would

normally set me off, I could take in my

stride. I had so much such better mental

clarity. I felt healthier. I felt

fitter. And I just sort of said to

myself like, why why am I enslaved to

this drink? Why am I so obsessed by the

idea of having this drink? And I would

look back and recognize that I would go

to events for for work and, you know, I

can't enjoy myself until I've had a few

beers. And I just felt so much pressure.

And this is one of the things why I've

sort of distanced myself from the rugby

community cuz so much of it is about how

much can you drink? Let's get you as

drunk as possible. And it's honestly

been the best thing I've ever done. I'm

a year and a half into it now. It

doesn't even cross my mind. I found

amazing replacements that I think are

fantastic ones that are also really

healthy. I found this one beer that it's

full of electrolytes and it's, you know,

the carbohydrates in it are long-lasting

energy. So, like having a beer is now

actually like a really healthy thing.

I'm really lucky that all my friends are

super supportive about it. I've never

run into that scenario where my friends

are like, "Oh, go on, just have a beer.

Like, you're fine." They've always sort

of really supported me. And I don't want

to be that person that's saying to

people, "You should get sober. You

should get sober." If I could encourage

someone to drink less, then that's

great. But I I don't want to start

getting into the world of you need to

stop drinking because I just it's it's

not for me to say. I went on my own

little journey. I'm really enjoying it.

I'm delighted that my mom's has also

given up. She's loving it.

>> And it's been amazing. I can't believe

the difference that I feel from not

drinking. Yeah.

>> I feel amazing.

>> That's amazing, man. I love hearing

that. And I love hearing that. It's been

great for you, right? I think that's

that's the point. Not everything has to

be like, "Look what I did. You can do

it, too." It's kind of like, "No, this

is just what's been great for me." Do

you think it was partly that attitude

for you at least in the beginning where

it's like, "Well, look, I can drink. I

drink a lot. It comes from my mom jeans

and it doesn't affect me." And then all

of a sudden you realize, well, wait a

minute. It's more than that because I

think there is that like I was like that

as a young man as well. Like for me it

was it was easy to drink. I I didn't

drink

>> daily. For me I drank a lot more

socially and I love playing drinking

games with my mates and that was really

what I enjoyed the most probably.

>> And for me when I quit I could just

quickly see how it just got me into

doing things I would never do if I

wasn't drunk. So for me for me it was

more that. But yeah, I wonder for you,

did you find that it's there's a really

fine line between like, oh, I know I can

drink a lot and then all of a sudden

you're kind of addict not addicted

beyond that.

>> No, addicted, mate. I'm happy to say

like I was definitely addicted to

alcohol, not shying away from that at

all. I think anyone that wakes up and

has not wakes up, anyone that has a beer

every day is probably got a little bit

of a problem. But yeah, you're right. I

I would drink and drink and drink and

drink and then you would just reach that

moment where you're like, "Wow, I

shouldn't have had that last beer." and

you wake up the next day and you have a

terrible headache and you're suffering.

I I bought one of those rings that will

tell you about your sleep.

>> Yeah. Or a ring.

>> Yeah. And it was amazing cuz I couldn't

sleep. I was like, why can't I sleep?

I'm working 14 hours a day. I'm doing 2

hours in the gym. I'm eating really

healthily and I can't sleep. What's

wrong with me? I bought this ring and it

was booze. It just it was completely

affecting my sleep. And since I've given

it up, I can sleep anywhere. You know,

it's also interesting as well going on

nights out and having a great time as

the sober person and then getting to

that point in the night where people

start, you know, spitting in your ear

and everyone's, "I love you, man. I love

you so much." And you're like, "Yeah,

brilliant. I love you, too. I'll see you

tomorrow. I'm going to bed."

>> I love being that person now. I love

seeing my friends on the golf course at

8:00 a.m. in the morning, feeling fresh

and ready to go, and they're sort of

crawling out their car. And

>> so, yeah. So I I I am over the moon to

be sober. I love it.

>> There are three pillars of adult

friendship based on research that are

also going to help you understand that

when people come and go in your life,

99% of the time it's not personal and

you actually haven't lost them as a

friend.

>> One of the three pillars is missing. So

the three things that need to be

required to have a friendship happen are

the same three things that were around

all the time when you were a kid. Number

one, proximity. Proximity matters

tremendously. Proximity means who are

you actually physically next to? In

fact, they've done research, Jay. If you

and I were in a dorm and we lived across

the hall, I don't I don't remember the

percentages exactly, but it's like 90%

chance we're going to be friends.

>> Interesting.

>> The poor person at the end of the

hallway, 10% chance that we're going to

be friends with them because of

proximity. Even a matter of 50 ft makes

a difference. And so when you were

little, you were in proximity to people

your age all the time.

>> All day.

>> Exactly. The research also shows that to

have as an adult a kind of casual

friend, you need to spend approximately

70 hours with somebody.

>> To have a close friend, 200 hours.

>> Mhm.

>> So when you're an adult, that creates a

big problem because who are you spending

all your time with once you're 20? The

American Times study shows that it's

with people you work with. So why aren't

we best friends with people at work?

because you had proximity and you're

spending a lot of time together. But

here's the thing, timing.

>> When you were little, you were in the

same timing of life with everybody.

>> Yeah.

>> When you hit your 20s and it's now

individual,

everybody's on different timelines. Some

of your friends are getting married.

Some are going to graduate school. Some

are now pursuing jobs. Other people are

moving out of the city into the city.

Everybody's timing is now different. And

this also explains why you're almost

never best friends with people at work

because the timing is off. You're

sitting next to people that are in very

different times of their life. You may

like them a lot and you may be friends,

but you never spend time outside of work

because they're at home with their

family and you're going out with your

buddies your age on the weekends. And

then that brings me to the third thing

that needs to be present for a

friendship to truly click. And that's

energy.

>> And the thing about energy is it

changes.

And you can have fantastic energy with

somebody and then if you decide you're

not drinking anymore, the energy is off.

>> Yeah.

>> If you decide to get really focused on

fitness, the energy is off. If you have

very different political beliefs, the

energy is off. It's not personal.

>> It's one of these three pillars. And it

has helped me so profoundly, Jay, to

realize that people come and go. And

it's a beautiful thing. And you should

let them.

>> And you should really, if you have a

friendship that starts to dissipate,

right? Ask yourself before you blame

them or you blame you, are any one of

these three pillars

missing?

Are we not near each other anymore?

Is the timing of our lives off? Is there

just something about the energy that

hasn't clicked? Because you can't force

those things. But what I found is that

when you recognize that those are really

important factors to your connection to

someone else that if a friendship starts

to fade for me, it's so easy to say let

them. And I don't wish anybody bad. I

literally wish people well because the

other thing that I've learned and you

know being 56 I've had a lot of friends

come and go in different phases of my

life that you would be startled by how

many people from your past that you no

longer quote consider friends cuz you

haven't seen them in a very long time or

things just got weird if you actually

called them they'd pick up the phone.

>> They would. if you texted them. The

research shows that when you get a

surprise text from somebody that you

haven't heard from in a long time, the

amount of joy that you feel. And so, I

want you to consider if you're very

lonely right now, that there's actually

probably hundreds of people from your

past that still consider you a friend.

>> Mhm.

>> And if you take the approach that I'm

talking about, which is friendship is

your responsibility. You need to go

first. Let me create the friendship and

the connection that I want. And you can

start by literally

taking a look through your past and

thinking about people that you remember

fondly and just sending them a text.

>> And you will be startled by what comes

back

>> because they're there. They haven't

actually gone anywhere. The connection

is still there. And often times, even if

you've had somebody where something's

been off, again, let them

>> Yeah.

>> And wish them well. And there will be a

time, I promise you, where the timing or

proximity or energy comes back around

again.

>> It took me a while to learn that, you

know, there's no way we could be

everything to each other. We have

different interests, different goals.

There was a stage in my marriage where I

thought that's what a partner was

supposed to be. You know, you should

call me all the time. We should talk all

the time. We should be each other's best

friends all the time. Our marriage got

better when I got better about that

because I think he already had that

independence. This this notion of I love

you. I don't even if I don't talk to you

today that to me is like I don't need

that. I felt like I needed more of that.

>> But as I got older, right, it got more

mature, more clear about my own goals, I

realized that I, you know, he can't be

responsible for my happiness. I have to

be responsible for that. I have to

define it for myself. I have to learn

how to achieve it. My husband is

definitely a part of that. But he is not

the he I cannot put him in the center of

my happiness.

>> That freed me up to let him be him and

let me be me. So I have friends who give

me things that my husband doesn't give

me. I have girlfriends. One distinction

that we have is like I'm a talker. All

right. When I sit down with my

girlfriends, we can talk for days. I

mean, literally for days. We can take a

break for lunch, but we can talk. You

know, my husband's not he can talk, but

he he will come by a friendship session.

You know, 9:00 in the morning, I have a

friend staying with me, and he's like,

"What are y'all talking about?" It's

like, well, we're just now getting into

our kids, and we're going to talk about

each one of them separately for like an

hour, right? He's like, I I couldn't do

that, right? He can't be that for me.

>> But I have really good, mostly

girlfriends who give me that, you know,

that we will dissect life to the bitter.

We will ring everything out of every

subject. And he's like, I think I'm

done.

>> Yes. Yes. I was like, "Well, you can go

be done cuz I've got her and we just got

started. We're going to we got 12 more

hours to go, right?"

>> And and that's so beautiful to hear

because I think especially when we're

young, we think that that person has to

be all of that and and from the

beginning and or they'll become it.

There's the other fallacy of like, "Oh,

well, I know who they could be and who

they could become." How much of that did

you feel you had to disconnect and

detach from of like what this person

could be to you? Obviously, not in the

world, but

>> I had to disconnect from all of those

beliefs, right? Um, and every couple is

different. I found I I know people who

are each other's best friends. They like

to travel together. They walk and hold

hands. And I I have friends who are in

relationships where they talk like every

hour.

>> I'm like, are you talking to him again?

nothing changed. You know, it's up to

the individuals to define that for

themselves.

>> That's the key word. Yeah.

>> For Barack and I. And I think you should

be clear about that because the other

thing is that when we hold on internally

to an expectation of the other person,

we don't even share it. So now we're mad

that you haven't even fulfilled

something I never even told you I

needed. You know, that takes time and it

takes work. Which is why marriage is

hard, right? because you'll have the

tendency to live in your head and live

out the image of what you want them to

be and you haven't even communicated

that to them. That's just one little

fraction of the challenge of marriage

and friendship and all of that. It's

hard. It takes time, but it's worth it.

>> Absolutely. Yeah. I think those

check-ins are the hardest. I I know that

there's there's four check-ins that I

try and keep a good habit around with my

wife that have really helped me. One of

them is every day I'll ask her like,

"What was your highlight today?" or

"What did you learn today?" Something

something positive, something like

what's what's the best thing that

happened to you today? I want to know

because it's so easy for us to get so

busy in our days, not see each other all

day, not speak all day. And days can go

by like that too because we're also

traveling.

>> Then every week I try and ask her like,

"How can I what can I help you with this

week?" Like, "Is there something coming

up that I just need to be aware of?"

Sometimes it's just information. And

that gives me an opportunity to also

tell her, I've got a really stressful

week coming up. Just know that I may not

be at my best this week. I'm just

letting you know.

>> Uh every month I'm, you know, checking

in with her and trying to just say to

her like,

>> "What's what's your big focus for this

month?" Like, you know, what's what's

the big thing that you're working on?

Then every year is easy, like, you know,

what's your goal this year? A resolution

or whatever. And I find that those

questions and sometimes every quarter

I'll ask a question which is the hardest

one but it's like is this relationship

going in the direction you want it to?

>> And if it isn't what are you willing to

do and what am I willing to do to get it

back on track?

>> Because I find so often like if you just

don't talk about that deep intimacy

you're just going on different tracks

and that's why 5 years later you're like

well I don't know you anymore.

>> Yeah. Yeah.

>> And so I find that like staying in close

contact, but one of the biggest things I

read which I wanted to try with you was

the Gotman talked about how the number

one skill or habit in relationships and

they looked at couples who'd stayed

together the longest and they found it

wasn't date nights, it wasn't vacations,

it wasn't any of this stuff. It was

learning how to fight.

>> It was knowing how to deal with

conflict. And most couples obviously we

all go, "Well, we're never fight or

we're never going to fight." But it's

inevitable. So I came up with these

three fight styles and I wanted to know

>> okay

>> how you see yourself and how you see

President Obama or how he would see him

himself. And so here the three fight

styles are a venter which means I want

to fix and solve it right now. You like

to vent but you're really trying to fix

and solve it. The second one is you're a

hider. You need time and space to think

about it. Just want to go spend time by

yourself. And then the third one is the

exploder where it's like I want my

emotions to be heard, felt, and seen

before we take time apart or before we

try and solve it. Which one are you?

>> Okay. So, I've changed over early on in

our relationships, I was more of an

exploder.

>> Wow.

>> I think he has been always been a fixer,

>> right?

>> The venter. Yeah. Fixer. Yeah.

>> So then I would be explosive and then

want to hide, right? It's like I want to

explode. let me have my emotions and

then give me a moment. Yes.

>> Right. And he's like, "We've got to fix

this. We've got to, you know, shut this

down. We got to I will figure it out.

Let's talk this through." Um,

>> and I love that about him, especially as

a man, you know, he is somebody that is

not afraid to put his emotions out. He's

smart and so he knows me. So, he's like,

he won't let me pretend like there's

nothing wrong because he knows I know

there's something. you're a little off.

And um but I've had to learn that

exploding on a fixer, it doesn't feel

good to them, right? It just, you know,

it feels good for me.

>> Yes.

>> But it doesn't feel good for him, right?

But he's learned that as a hider

>> that I do need a little more time.

>> Right. If I'm exploding,

>> I can't be rational enough to talk

through your fixing. and you and if you

want to fix it, then I've got to be in a

rational place.

>> So, let me hide for a minute so I can

get myself down to a fixer place.

>> Yes.

>> I think that's been the trajectory of

our sorting through learning how to

argue.

>> If you can't explain something simply,

you don't understand it well enough.

Simple communication is not a sign of a

lack of intelligence. It's a sign of

deep understanding.

as a speaker, a leader, a communicator,

a manager, whatever you may be, if

you're able to be concise, simple, it

will be so much more powerful. Remember

this, confusion creates resistance.

Clarity creates cooperation.

If someone doesn't understand you, they

can't support you. Good communicators

ask if they were understood. Bad

communicators assume they were. Good

communicators aim for understanding. Bad

communicators aim to be right. Notice

the difference. Principle three. People

don't argue with facts, they argue with

threat. Here's a powerful insight. Most

disagreements are not about facts.

They're about identity and safety. When

people feel embarrassed, judged, or

blamed, their brain stops listening. Let

me say that again. When people feel

embarrassed, judged, or blamed, their

brain stops listening. How many times

have you stopped listening when you felt

that way? Now, think about all the times

you spoke that way and thought it would

affect someone. I know I've made that

mistake. I constantly feel that if

someone really understands what they got

wrong or they were really made clear on

the mistake they made that that would

make them listen more. But actually

we're not listening to that because it's

not factual. It feels like opinion. It

feels personal. It feels like an attack.

Research in conflict psychology shows

that once someone feels threatened, they

prioritize self-p protection over

understanding.

This is actually mind-blowing. When you

think about all the interactions you

have, home or work, when you make

someone feel attacked, they're only

thinking about protecting themselves.

Effective communicators lower threat

first. At work, here's what I'm seeing.

Tell me if I'm missing something. At

home, this matters to me and I want to

understand your side. These phrases do

one thing. They create safety. Remember

this. People don't need to feel

corrected. They need to feel considered.

Once safety is present, truth can land.

Before sharing feedback, before saying

something that's hard to hear, before

you're about to have a difficult

conversation,

first set safety. Second, make sure that

anything you're saying is coming with

the intention of safety and choose your

words that really align with that energy

because you want to have an impact. A

lot of people say, "Well, I should just

be able to say what I want and people

should understand." Well, if that's what

you want, then that isn't a relationship

based on care. It's not a relationship

based on love. It's not a relationship

based on connection. It's a relationship

based on you wanting people to

understand you, but not taking the

moment to understand them. I think this

can all change for us. It can all change

when we prioritize principle four.

Questions change everything. One of the

most powerful communication tools is

curiosity. Research from negotiation

psychology shows that asking open-ended

questions reduces defensiveness and

increases cooperation.

Statements trigger resistance. questions

invite collaboration. Instead of,

"You're not listening," ask, "Can you

tell me what you heard from what I just

said?" Instead of, "This isn't working,"

ask, "What do you think would make this

work better?" Questions shift the

dynamic from opposition to partnership.

Here's a phrase that instantly

deescalates tension. Help me understand.

That sentence creates space where

conflict used to be. There are so many

challenges with the growth of AI. There

are so many risks that it presents. But

one of the things that I'm grateful it

has done is that it has brought humans

back to asking better questions. We grew

up at a time when answers were

everything. Now we know answers are

everywhere and all of a sudden questions

and prompts are the key to our

intelligence. The better you are at

asking questions, the better results

you'll actually get from AI. So that's a

great way for us to test whether we know

how to ask good questions, whether our

questioning and curiosity ability is

actually improving. That's the goal. If

you can do that, you will actually lead

your team, guide people, move people in

a much stronger way. Manifestation is

clarity about what you want and what it

takes. Manifestation is writing it down

and then building it step by step.

Manifestation is persistence when

motivation fades. Manifestation is

aligning your choices with your values,

not just your wishes. If you just make

it about your wishes, if you just make

it about what you're writing, if you

don't ever make it about the how, right?

People say start with why. Really

important. You should know why you're

doing what you're doing. You should know

what you want to build. But if you don't

know how you're going to get there, it's

almost the hardest thing, right? If you

don't know how you're going to get to

the party on a Saturday night, if you

don't know how you're going to get to

your vacation destination, if you don't

know how you're going to build that

company, it becomes a lot harder. Spend

more time figuring out the how. And

you'll know that you're making momentum.

You'll know you're making progress.

You'll know you're moving in the right

direction. See, the thing is, I really

want you to get there. I really want you

to experience the joy of building

something you love. I don't just want it

to remain a dream in your mind and your

heart space that never gets to see the

light of day. Myth number four, the

universe rewards wanting. If I want it

badly enough, I'll get it. It does not

work that way. Desire is fuel, but

direction is the map. Without it, you

spin in circles. Have you ever

desperately wanted a job, relationship,

or whatever it may be, but you had no

strategy? Desire without direction is

like stepping on the gas with no

steering wheel. The reticular activating

system, also known as RA, filters what

you notice. Define a goal and your brain

literally starts spotting opportunities.

For example, once you think of buying a

red car, you see them everywhere. So,

here's the step. Each morning, write

down three things you want to notice

that day. Maybe new clients, learning

opportunities, or ways to connect. Your

RA will tune in. This is so important.

If you have a goal to write a book,

start a podcast, build a company, ask

yourself, what is it that you need? I

was talking to a friend the other day

and I'd said to him how important it was

for him to show up to networking events.

I said, "If you're out at those events,

you're going to meet people. People are

going to see you. You're going to get to

connect with them." He was avoiding it

for months and months and months. He

finally went to one and he was shocked

at what it felt like to be front of

mind. When you're present, you get to

have the conversations you would never

get to if you weren't there. So many of

us avoid the actual action even though

in our mind we're wondering why is this

business not taking off? Why is it not

starting off? Because we're not

positioning ourselves in the places that

we need to be. Remember, you don't see

things as they are. You see them through

your own fears and hopes. You don't see

yourself as you are. You see the story

you keep repeating about who you are.

You don't see the future as it is. You

see the version you believe is possible.

So many of us have the wish, we have the

want, we have the desire, we don't have

the direction, we don't have the drive.

And where does that drive come from?

Comes from picking something that you

really value. I mean, everyone would

want to be financially free. Everyone

would want abundance. Those are things

we all want. But what does that look

like for you? How does that manifest for

you? When I say that, what I mean is how

do you envision that? How's it unique to

you? And how are you going to get there

that's unique to you? If you connected

with today's episode, check out my raw

and honest talk with the one and only

Cardi B. She opens up about overcoming

depression and how she balanced rising

to fame and creating a life for her

children.

>> Well, you can tell me I'm I'm a bad mom.

I'm a great mom. If I'm good at

something as being a