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am i doing everything in my power to

live the way i want to live because if

it could be over in a moment i got to

shift my attention to things that really

matter our next guest has quite a resume

a former professional football player

turned lifestyle entrepreneur who was

making millions of dollars in helping

others achieve their dreams new york

times best-selling author school of

greatness please welcome lewis you have

been very very open about the abuse you

suffered when you were five i mean i

knew something was wrong i knew

something was off every single day for

25 years i thought about it i needed to

heal the memories of the past in order

to create a

healthy relationship with myself and

others in the present the challenge is

most men have not been taught how to

effectively communicate their guilt

their insecurities

constantly working on yourself is huge

in intimacy in relationships what is the

single biggest killer of relationships

i'm gonna say something right now that

you're probably not gonna like

so without further ado i'm stephen

bartlett and this is the diary of a ceo

i hope nobody's listening but if you are

then please keep this to yourself

[Music]

lewis

i have to start with a with a point of

gratitude which is thank you so much for

doing this you are and i don't say this

lightly but you are one of the real

inspirations for me in this whole

podcasting content space because you've

been you're like the goat in my eyes

you've you're the guy that did it first

in in our space and did it best at the

same time but not just that when i got

to meet you maybe a month ago in dubai i

was pretty much in awe of a bunch of

things that i noticed about you that

really set you apart one of them was

this real

unbelievable self-awareness which i

talked to my team about before you got

here i said he's one of the most

self-aware guys that i've ever met

because he's done and doing the work and

the second thing is there's actually

probably three things that come to mind

the second thing is your genuine

curiosity about humans on a very

deep level because we'd be having we

were having a conversation at 2 a.m in a

bar and if there was a moment of silence

it would be interjected by you with like

a tell me three things that you're your

biggest failings in life or three things

and i just thought

this is a guy that doesn't want to mess

around at surface level with small talk

and things that don't matter and then

the third point which kind of links to

those two in some way is your

unbelievable ability to speak and

deliver a concept or an idea with wisdom

and a personal anecdote attached in a

way that's captivating to the point that

people don't tune out when you're

talking and i don't i'm not blowing

smoke up your ass but i genuinely was

like i need to learn this

specifically that delivery of ideas and

having seen you on jay's and tom bill

used podcasts i saw it then again and

it's a culmination of all that

self-awareness and practice but there

was something else which you

showed me when we were in dubai having

that conversation at 2 am in the morning

which is where i wanted to start our

conversation today which was the the

screen saver of your phone

that really stayed with me yeah

can you tell me what the screensaver of

your phone is

this is uh yeah i don't know if you guys

for those watching on youtube i don't

know if you guys can see this but this

is a photo of myself uh when i'm

probably about five years old

and

i put it on there a year ago because i

was doing some intensive

i would say inner child healing with a

therapist i was working in in a in

another relationship that i was ending i

was ending a relationship and i realized

that in relationships

in the past i was repeating a pattern of

people pleasing of saying yes to things

that i didn't want to say yes to of

changing and shifting who i

authentically was in order to try to

please or make someone else happy

and a lot of it came from the dynamics

of my childhood from being sexually

abused from having just

a challenging let's say family dynamic

with parents and things like that and so

for years i was never taught on how to

deal with my

inner child

i never was taught how to

heal the things that i was really

wounded as a child and so

having these experiences of intensive

emotional intelligence and therapy

training

on dealing with previous relationships

and then in the current relationship

was extremely helpful for me and my my

therapist said we got to heal that part

of your life

that is attached to a memory of a wound

and unless you heal that you're to keep

repeating certain patterns and so that's

why i have that on there and i'm

actually going to change it to a

different

period of time in my life when i was

about 11 to 12.

that's the next phase of growth for me

is to actually heal that next stage

so that's why i do it what was the world

and the perception of the world that

that five-year-old lewis house saw and

felt what was he feeling and seeing

oh man

he was abandoned he was abused he was

taken advantage of he was unworthy he

was unlovable

and that was what i believed

and so it's hard to create

a meaningful

relationship with myself and with

another person

if that story or narrative or belief was

still there for me which it was

unconsciously so i needed to heal the

memories of the past in order to create

a

healthy relationship with myself and

others in the present

and where did that story come from that

he was unlovable i've heard you describe

yourself even as thinking you were dumb

thinking you you couldn't

you weren't worthy of friendships and

things like that where did all of that

i mean it was all from

real life experiences and results that i

was experiencing so

just getting picked on as a kid feeling

neglected from parents and family

members feeling you know again sexual

abuse that i dealt with

and struggling throughout school my

entire childhood until it took me seven

years to finish college i was in the

bottom of my class in school

elementary middle and high school

and so the narrative was there were real

world results that were showing me that

i was unlovable or being taken advantage

of or abused or these things

and so that stayed with me and this is

why i built a persona

or really a mask i tried to mask it and

defend myself by becoming a great

athlete by getting bigger faster and

stronger so that i could defend myself

against the feeling of being taken

advantage of or abused but that didn't

leave me feeling fulfilled it left me

feeling angry and resentful

when you were you you

have been very very open about the abuse

you suffered when you were five from a

babysitter's son i believe yeah

did you understand at the time that it

was abuse

no i had no idea i mean i knew something

was wrong i knew something was off

but i didn't know i mean as a

five-year-old i don't think anyone

really knows how to

emotionally handle that or emotionally

regulate or understand what's really

happening at that time

but it was something that i lived with

for

every single day for 25 years i thought

about it i thought about the instant

whether it be consciously or

unconsciously it was coming up it might

be a second or it might be minutes long

of a memory but it came up pretty much

every every day for 25 years until

i went through it a

transformational workshop experience

that got me to finally face it and it

wasn't until i faced it

and started to integrate the healing of

that moment that

i felt like i was a prisoner for so long

until it set me free of actually talking

about my shame expressing it

communicating it with my friends my

family and then eventually i did a

podcast about it

which took me about six months to

publish because i recorded it and i

waited six months because i said if

people knew this about me no one would

love me my business is over

i'm gonna have no friends if people

actually knew how shameful

this thing was for me and i think that

was the biggest fear but what i realized

this was back in 2013

i mean the end of 2013 early 2014.

and i thought my i literally thought my

life was over i was like no one is gonna

love me but i i also thought to myself

i can no longer be a prisoner inside

with this information i need to let it

out

and if i can help one man

heal from what they've been through then

it's worth it i'm happy to lose

everything if i can help one man

and it was one of the most

profound experiences and and really

spiritually freeing experiences of my

life was opening up talking about it and

the aftermath was so powerful

for weeks i was getting essays from men

opening up saying

you know i'm married i've got three kids

i'm 55.

my wife and kids don't know and i've

been holding this with me for this long

it happened to me when i was 11. you

know men opening up about all the

different experiences of sexual abuse or

trauma that they face with

the challenge is most men have not been

taught how to effectively communicate

their shame their guilt their

insecurities

there's not many guys that grow up i

don't think you had guy friends when you

were 12 15 18 23 saying you know what

can we just have a coffee and talk about

how shameful i feel about my

my uh my past right now or i don't only

feel that good today let's talk about it

or my body image is kind of off like we

don't do that generally as men we're not

taught how to do that in society but

when you ask women

how often do you meet with a girlfriend

on a weekly basis to talk about your

shame your insecurities the challenges

you're dealing with in your

relationships

struggles at work

whatever it might be

women typically say they they meet with

their girlfriends every week if not

every single day they'll have a

conversation with a girlfriend a sister

a mom about a challenge or just what's

on their mind

but we just haven't been taught that so

i started i really wanted to change the

narrative

and be a model

there was no one that looked like me

growing up that talked about these

things there was no athlete that i

admired that was like on tv saying i've

been sexually abused or i went through

childhood trauma or i didn't love myself

or i struggled with insecurities growing

up i just didn't see that growing up as

a kid

so my goal was to be a model of saying

you know i'm willing to lose everything

if i can help men heal because i truly

believe

a lot of the pain caused in the world is

caused by men who have massive wounds

who are reactive because they don't know

how to handle

or regulate their emotions and so they

react in certain scenarios whether it be

domestic violence domestic abuse war

uh just reactions on social media

causing more stress screaming in a

workplace whatever it might be

driving here in london just people

honking at the horn because they're they

don't know how to handle their inner

wounds their emotional regulation

and i feel like if all humans but men

specifically can continue to learn these

tools it'll be powerful

but we weren't taught this in school

there was nothing in school that was

like

okay emotional regulation 101 class

there was none of this it was just suck

it up be a man toughen up

don't you know we don't talk about these

things so

and i think the world has been shifting

over the last four or five years as well

where it's more acceptable for men to

talk about it with

you know social media in a good sense

allowing men to be more vulnerable and

kind of lifting these conversations up

about mental health so

i'm seeing that shift but i just didn't

see that or have a model when i was

growing up in terms of models when you

were growing up could you tell me a

little bit about the dynamics of your

parents as well because i've heard you

describe the early life

and um

yeah the quote that i read from you was

that they were miserable times and the

tension in the house impacted

you and your siblings yeah i mean

i grew up

it's challenging because my father just

passed away a month and a half ago and

for 17 years he

he got in an accident 17 years ago with

a car accident where a car came up on

his car hit him through the windshield

and split his head open he was in a coma

for a few months

had severe brain trauma stayed alive

miraculously but just had a challenging

17 years where he never fully recovered

so it was a it was an interesting

dynamic with my dad the last 17 years

growing up as the youngest of four

my siblings i feel like probably had it

worse than me

they had to deal with you know 20 year

old

parents my parents were 20 when they had

my brother and then 24 when they had my

sister and then 28 when they had my

other sister then they had me at 31.

so they had to deal you know grow up

with parents who didn't have these tools

either so i have a lot of grace for my

parents because they didn't have the

tools of emotional regulation or how to

communicate effectively or how to

process wounds and i think if you don't

know how to process wounds it's going to

be hard to just interact

without being defensive or reactive or

you know all these different things

passive aggressive

so i grew up for the first 13 years of

my life

in fear

in fear

i knew my parents loved me but there was

this like energy that felt fearful and i

was afraid of my father

he was pretty angry he was an angry guy

and he

would he was super loving but then he

would explode at times because he didn't

know how to process emotions

and he had wounds and so that was the

challenging thing it was it was

confusing and they weren't

loving towards each other so i didn't

feel safe

my brother went away to prison when i

was eight years old for for four and a

half years so every weekend we would

travel two years two hours to go to a

prison visiting room and see my brother

for a few hours so i was exposed to

things that i probably shouldn't have

been exposed to at eight years old until

12

which expanded my mind and my my my

world view and my perception of people

but also it's just challenging to have a

sibling in jail for that long and

dealing with the dynamics of that

yeah it was just a

it was a challenging time but at 13

i begged my parents to send me away i

went to a private boarding school at 13

uh from middle school and high school

and

i couldn't get away fast enough they

didn't send me away because i was a bad

kid i begged them to send me away

because i didn't feel safe at home i

really want to dig into that what was it

your dad's anger

and his anger directed i guess uh

you or your siblings or all of us yeah

all of us but it wasn't all the time you

know so again he was a loving guy he

would tuck me into bed at night he would

play catch with me in the backyard but

then there'd be but then it'd be an

explosion

and we just didn't know when it would be

and so the beautiful part about my dad

is he had a massive transformation when

i turned 13. he started to dive into the

emotional intelligence training

workshops and and seeking

wisdom on how to process his emotions

and he had incredible you know healing

transformation so from 13 to 21 i had

this incredible relationship with my dad

he would fly out to all my games he

would be so loving and supportive he

wasn't angry he wasn't reactive he had

this transformation so it's almost like

i had two lives with my dad the first

half of first 13 years

i loved him but i was also afraid of him

13 to 21 he was like my best friend and

so when he got in his accident when i

was around 21.

it was devastating because now i didn't

have a mentor that now was showing up in

a different way was loving was

vulnerable i saw him cry a lot more i

saw him just be sensitive

so when he got his accident i didn't

have that anymore he wasn't able to have

that relationship with me because of the

brain accident

and this was a time when i felt like i

needed it the most right i went to go

play arena football

i went to go chase a dream i got injured

in at the end of the first season had a

surgery with my wrist

and

at that time was 2000 end of 2007 2008

the economy was crashing in usa

people weren't hiring

those who had master's degrees i barely

graduated with a you know just a general

degree

i'm living on my sister's couch for a

year and a half i've got no money i've

got no mentorship from my father

and so in a sense

it was almost like

this is the weird thing when i reflect

back on it because

i don't think i would be the man i am

today without his accident although i

wish he didn't have the accident

i don't think i'd be in service i don't

think i would care about people as much

i don't think i'd be on a mission to

want to change lives and serve millions

of people around the world i don't think

it'd be doing an interview show or a

podcast i don't think you'd be writing

books or all these things

but something shifted within me

because he was physically alive but

emotionally and mentally not there so i

didn't have that access to a

relationship

something shifted in me where i couldn't

rely on him for money for kind of that

wisdom

i had to

i just had to unleash something new

that was that i didn't think was inside

of me and i don't know if your parents

are still around or if your dad is still

oh yeah yeah

something shifted in me 17 years ago

when

my dad got in the accident and then

something shifted even more in the last

month and a half when he passed

that it's hard to explain i don't know i

haven't really fully processed it it's

still kind of a processing time

and there's some a lot of gratitude and

memories but a lot of sadness tied to it

but i just don't think i'd be the man i

am without his accident because it made

me unleash something inside of me that

was untapped when i met you in dubai

every topic you talked on you talked on

as if you'd processed it and done work

on it and you had a perspective on it

and then when you spoke about your dad

it was

like the end of what we call a

cul-de-sac getting to the end of the

street where there's nowhere else to go

it was like you hadn't the conversation

ended there

and you would look down at the floor

yeah and i knew i'm so sorry to hear of

your loss by the way but i could see

that it was still something that you're

like there was two kind of suspicions i

had one was that

you you were still processing it of

course yeah but the second was that

there was a profound lesson somewhere

there because of the pause you took and

the way that you looked at the floor and

but on every other topic you were like

illuminated it's the best way to

describe it you see what i mean yeah i

think one of the things that it taught

me 17 years ago was that

my dad also felt larger than life i

don't know if your father felt that way

it feels that way as well yeah but he

felt large in life he was extremely

intelligent and smart

he was

a very charismatic he was

resourceful talented he was

he he was a big lover he loved people

and he gave his heart in a big way after

this transformation

and he cared deeply about relationships

like i witnessed things he did that

brought smiles to people's faces all the

time

which is probably a lot of things that

i've like translated in my own life but

one of the things that taught me was

that if this can happen to a guy who

feels larger than life in a moment when

he was on vacation with his then uh you

know partner at the time not my mother

they got divorced but they were on

vacation having a great time if this

could happen in a moment

at any time

then it brought so much urgency to my

life to make sure i pursue the things

that really are meaningful to me

and for years there were things that i

had to do that i wasn't like love i had

to work really hard to get to that place

when i was broke and had no money on my

sister's couch it wasn't like this all

just unfolded perfectly it was years of

effort work late nights all that stuff

but it made me just say what is my

mission what's my intention for this

season of my life and am i doing

everything in my power to live the way i

want to live because if it could be over

in a moment

i got to shift my attention to things

that really matter and so that was a big

powerful shift for me and when he passed

last month

it made it even clearer you know there's

so many

opportunities for someone like yourself

and myself at this stage of our life and

our careers

and a lot of opportunities can seem

incredible here's a big money-making

opportunity here's a cool project i can

do with someone here's these things that

are coming my way

but if it's not aligning to

my mission of something greater

if it's not aligning to my ultimate

level of joy and authentic power then

should i be doing it right now if it was

all over in a day and a month in a year

is this something i would say yes to and

so it's just bringing me closer to that

awareness

that how it could all be over in a

moment and it brings the energy back to

like my relationship with my girlfriend

i'm like

if it was over tomorrow am i doing and

saying what i need to say today and

that's been a powerful thing for me

there's a real

i mean i always reflect on this that

brony ware who was the palliative nurse

who interviewed people in their last

days and the retrospective clarity

people must have in their last days

about what they did and didn't do yeah

right is so so empowering but as you say

there one of the things that terrifies

me is my dad is ill he's like not in

good health and he's

he's outlived his siblings and his life

if you look at it in any kind of

comparative measure was way more

stressful than them and his brother died

of a heart attack and his brother died

younger than he is now so this thing is

haunting me almost in the back room

and the haunting thing is like what

should i be doing now my relationship

with my dad isn't particularly strong

um you know what i mean

how often do you see them a year

through

three four times okay

this my friend jesse etzler made this

example one time to me

uh and to like the audience he said

and his father just passed away actually

a couple weeks ago

and he said my my parents are old

they're in their 80s or something like

that and um you know maybe they have

five or ten more years but it's really

five or ten more times with them if you

only see them once or twice a year it's

not five or ten years if you see them

two three times a year

maybe you have three times if it's a

year maybe you have ten times if it's

four years that you experienced a moment

in person with your dad

yeah hopefully he lives 10 20 years but

two to three times a year is really 20

times left

with your dad

and when we put it in i just got chills

thinking about that when we put it in

perspective like that are we

giving as much as we could to the

relationship

are we

opening up and healing certain things

that maybe aren't aren't healed yet are

we having the conversations that are

unspoken and i think

i feel like i did the best of my

abilities to do that with where he was

at emotionally and mentally

and i would encourage you or anyone

listening or watching to

to ask themselves on a scale of one to

ten how is my relationship with my

father my mother

and

if it's not above a seven

right now

what can you do not about them even if

they're the parent what can you do

to

reach out and communicate

how can you take responsibility for your

part of that relationship

and you just never know in any moment

what if someone's not listening to this

now and they think well my parents or my

dad or my mum or whatever was abusive or

toxic or whatever to me is

i think you got to ask yourself if they

died today would i be happy with how i

communicated how i showed up

and maybe that means you need to disown

your parents for a season of life

because you're not able to get along

but are you still happy if you did that

with everything you tried to do from a

loving calm

healed place it's your healing journey

it's not about what they do or what they

didn't do it's about your healing

journey and i look at it as a gift from

everything i experience from my

childhood you know i don't look at it as

a painful thing anymore you know i'm not

living in fear from the memories of my

past anymore i look at it as god i'm so

grateful that i grew up

feeling insecure unlovable

and really dumb

because i care deeply about loving other

people i care deeply about

being a good listener and showing people

how much i care

i care deeply about wisdom and knowledge

in a different way not just from school

and books but from interactions with

human experiences adventure learning new

skills and hobbies

and just progressing as a human

and i think

you know even from the sexual abuse i'm

not mad at it anymore i'm not hurt by it

anymore

i hope it never happens to anyone in the

history i don't wish it on anyone but i

also know that it gave me an incredible

gift because

i've healed from it i've taken my power

back from that

and i know that it's benefited me now

because i've rewrote in the story

about what it means about me and i think

if we can rewrite those stories in an

empowering way then we are not powerless

we're powerful

to that point of your healing journey

though

you describe your life in these three

sort of sections right you've got the i

think it's the the preteens yeah and

then it's like the team to 22 and then

it's the

is it for and then the 20s and then the

30s right yeah the 20s phase as i read

it as i read through the whole all the

experiences on you you know your

sister's sofa the linkedin stuff you've

done felt a little bit like you were

finding yourself yeah of course yeah and

then post 30s

it's it feels like the work really

started to begin i mean 30 is when

everything started to change because

that's the moment

i allowed myself to be vulnerable for

the first time i just thought i had it

figured out and what i realized is i

knew nothing there were symptoms

of an internal conflict that suggested

to you that you didn't have it figured

out of course yeah

i mean

i mean getting in fist fights on a

basketball court in a in a pickup game

that's supposed to be fun and reacting

so much to

someone jabbing me you know in the ribs

or or smack talking me talking bad or

just like talking trash and being so

reactive

she's getting it like you're

extremely explosive

again it was more of like i didn't heal

a lot of things from my childhood it

wasn't like one thing for my dad or the

sexual abuse it was kind of like

the entire childhood all the stories and

all the examples that made me feel like

i'm not lovable or i'm someone to be

taken advantage of

was still inside of me so it wasn't just

one thing or one experience it was all

of it that was building a case for me to

be reactive and explosive and feel like

uh you know the

the world was just out to get me or

something

and when i learned

the art of emotional regulation that's

when everything started to change and i

learned a part of that at 30

until 37

but in intimate relationships i still

hadn't learned how to

fully love and honor my authentic power

i still gave in because i deeply wanted

people to like me i deeply wanted the

person that i was giving my heart to

to love and accept me

and yet i was choosing people

based on a wound still from

my parents

from my mom you know

giving in from my mom not feeling

probably loved and accepted and kind of

repeating that pattern of her

with my dad i was finding

partners like that and i was

taking on the mother role

like kind of what my mom was taking on

and i was giving in i watched her give

in over and over and over to my dad and

never stand up for who she truly was

you know this is all unconscious it

wasn't until about a year ago when i

started to learn this and process it

so i was choosing partners

that after a period of time

they would get upset at me over and over

of lots of different things they just

weren't happy with who i was or the

actions or decisions or

things i did in my business or whatever

whatever it was that made them feel like

they were

insecure or something same

and so i would say okay

i'll change this to make you happy okay

you don't like me doing this okay i'll

stop doing this okay you don't like me

salsa dancing you don't like me

traveling you don't like me speaking you

don't like me doing okay like whatever's

gonna make you happy because there was

love there and i thought

that when you love someone you'll do

whatever you can to make that love

stay to make it last and so i would give

and give and give

up who i was in order to create peace

and love

and what i was doing was creating

incredible pain

resentment and anger and frustration was

inside of me of the person

of the relationship and of myself

because you were abandoning yourself

abandoning myself over and over again

and i didn't know how to say no

and how how to

be around someone who was unhappy with

me in intimacy i could do this in

business and friends but in intimacy

when there was love

i didn't know how to say no and so i

just gave in to create peace

and what i realized is that

you know i was looking to create to buy

peace by abandoning myself but you can't

buy peace

we must be peace

and if someone is okay with that great

if they're not then maybe you're not in

alignment

and that's okay but i was not willing to

let go of the feeling of love it was a

false love it wasn't authentic love

because authentic love is accepting the

person for who they are

and them accepting you for who you are

it's not trying to change the person if

you're trying to change someone you

shouldn't be with them we should be

elevating each other to grow but if

there are fundamental things about you

that i don't like

and i'm trying to change you why am i in

a relationship with you go find someone

that you don't need to change

and vice versa and so my girlfriend

martha i was like listen

we started dating and i'd done

months of this healing work and finally

started the process and feel this inner

peace i said listen i'm going to be 100

authentic to who i am i'm going to

obnoxiously be myself around you and i'm

letting you know i want to i want to be

so obnoxiously myself

that i i hope you run away i hope you

run away because

i'm never going to change i'm not going

to change for you or anyone else i'm

going to evolve i'm going to constantly

improve grow

i want you to be willing to give me

feedback but i'm not going to change

of something you're unhappy about about

me

here are my values here's my vision

here's my lifestyle this is what i'm

going to be doing i'm not going to

change this stuff just letting you know

and it's been a beautiful journey

because it's amazing just to see what

it's like having authentic trust and

someone receiving you for a hundred

percent who you are and feeling like i

can be myself i've never felt this until

now it's beautiful

it's such a

important conversation because it's

crazy man you described the reasons why

in your trauma that that made you a

people pleaser and do you know what's

really interesting is when you told me

that you were a people pleaser

um i couldn't believe that i'm like what

you big tough athlete man people pleaser

carrick you know what i mean but it just

it goes to show that that sort of that

trauma in us yeah um

is kind of agnostic to to our mask or

absolutely you know certain

and i when you told me that because we

had a little bit of this conversation

just a hint of it in when we met in

dubai

i realized that i've been a people

please actually but i never thought i

was in all of my relationships i think

the significant reason why they failed

is exactly what you've described i've

gone in trying to compromise everything

really oh my god

just just to keep them and try and keep

them happy um with me and in the short

term that day fine

you go any kind of mid to long term time

horizon and it's resentment

you know i take full responsibility for

every relationship i've chosen and been

in and stayed in

because

i could have gone out of any

relationship at any moment

but i was afraid and i lacked the

really the self-confidence to step away

because i was afraid of losing love

but it's not real love if it's

inauthentic if you're having to change

who you are to make someone happy i just

don't feel like that's real love

i'm all for

making adjustments in alignment with

certain things but it shouldn't be

changing your core essence of who you

are to make someone happy that's not

real love

you said something to me which um really

puzzled me because i've never heard it

before which was when i said um i

started talking to you about what things

i should be compromising in my

relationships and you went no compromise

i mean

for me i don't believe in compromising

who i am

yeah if you're like listen

this week i want to go to this place for

a restaurant and next week you can

choose that's i guess a compromise of

like activities yeah yeah but not

compromising your core values and your

authentic power if we are compromising

our authentic selves

we are essentially saying

screw you to our creator you've created

us for who we are and no i don't want to

be this way for one human being because

it doesn't make them feel good or makes

them unhappy or they're afraid or scared

as opposed to who can i be

if i'm 100 myself in life

and i'm not saying like if you've got

flaws

adjust those and prove those like i'm

all willing to improve and adjust all my

flaws but if it's something that's at my

core is my personality i'm not changing

for anyone

why i want to be changing for one person

that just doesn't seem like a good i

don't know situation and i've done it

for too long and with with martha your

current partner yeah um you had a

conversation very early on about your

unwillingness to compromise your core

values yes and my priorities and your

priorities yes

so tell me exactly what you mean by your

priorities yeah how that was received

man i told her probably like three

months in as we

i knew in the first night i met her i go

i wanted to be single i was like just

got done this healing journey get out of

a relationship i was like i really want

to be single for like a year and just be

single

and i met her

before that time and i remember thinking

uh crap there's something unique and

special here on a different level more

than just

sexual attraction there's a spiritual

connection there's something deeper that

i can see a vision of something

incredible

that i couldn't do on my own right

and i was like let me just string this

along as far as i can before i get

committed right let me just give it some

space not jump into this thing too fast

like let's just take it slow

and after about three months i said to

her i go listen i'm gonna tell you

something that i don't think you're

gonna like and i said this many times to

her i go i'm gonna say something right

now that you're probably not gonna like

and i don't think any woman wants to

hear this from a man i'm just letting

you know and she's thinking i'm about to

drop a bomb or something and i'm like

you may not want to continue dating me

after you hear this

she was like what is it you know she's

freaking out

i go

you will never be my number one priority

never

and i had an explanation i said listen

my number one priority needs to be my

health

because without my health i can't fully

show up for my number two priority which

is my mission or my calling from god oh

god he wasn't even number two louis and

i said you're not number one and you're

not number two

you're number three

and no woman wants to hear i'm the third

priority in some man's life they need to

make me number one i need to be thinking

they need to think about me all the time

i'm number one priority otherwise i'm

out of here

and it's not that she's not a number one

top priority but health needs to come

first

at all times that doesn't mean all day

i'm doing my health it's just i need to

make sure every day i'm taking care of

it this is a top priority if this is

number two number three number 10 i'm

not going to be good for you in our

relationship i'm not going to have

energy i'm going to be more

moody so i need to make this a priority

first

for the second priority which is my

mission my calling from god the universe

the world whatever you want to call

whatever's speaking through me

into the existence because if that is

not a high priority for me then i'm

going to be unhappy because i'm gonna

feel like there's something calling me

in the world and i'm not doing it

because i'm giving more time and

attention

to one person

but if i'm healthy

and working on myself if i am putting

energy and time into my mission

then you're going to have the most

incredible relationship of your life

because i'm going to be of service to

you in such a high beautiful authentic

way

that you're going to be feeling like

you're the number one priority

but you just have to be an awareness

that this is where i'm coming from and

it doesn't mean i'm not going to be

spending all my time with you and i'm

free and we're not going to have an

amazing life

but you got to be aware this is my

priorities and the crazy thing is

right when i finished she said that's

the most amazing thing i've ever heard

because that's exactly what i've been

looking for

i've been dating guys with no purpose

none of them had a purpose they made me

their purpose

and i was like no what's the thing you

want to do in the world what's the

calling you have and none of them had a

calling

they had stuffed activities they had

hobbies but it wasn't like a main

calling in the world

and she was like you're the perfect

match for me

because you have a mission to serve the

world and i'm cool with that were you

trying to scare her off in a previous

relationship i was trying to scare her

off by saying

i'm never going to change who i am based

on a previous release based on

five previous relationships it was based

on every relationship before where i

abandoned myself to try to make one

person happy and create peace in an

environment because there was never

peace

and it's my responsibility is my

decisions by choosing these

relationships by staying and by not

leaving sooner and so it's never because

i just wanted to fix the relationship i

was like okay how can we make this

better what mask have i got to wear

exactly yeah and so

man it's it's

liberating and freeing and the only way

this works

is because

this sounds bad i want to say something

probably sounds bad

i think my girlfriend would be

okay with me saying this but

the only way this works

is i'm willing to walk away at any

moment

i don't want to walk away i want to be

with this woman she's incredible she's a

gift in my life

but if it's not in alignment with her

values her vision her lifestyle

my values my vision my lifestyle and we

don't fully accept who we are then we

shouldn't be together and i want the

best for her and i want the best for me

so as sad as i would be i'm willing to

walk away at any moment if it

compromises

giving up who i am

and

it brings me peace because i'm not

attached

i'm committed

i'm holding it loosely you know i've got

my hands wrapped around the relationship

but i'm not suffocating the relationship

i'm not squeezing it to death i'm like

okay you can

you want it you don't need it yeah i

want it i'm committed i'm all in

but i'm not going to change who i am

yeah to force it

i had a few words to say about one of my

sponsors on this podcast my girlfriend

came upstairs yesterday when i was

having a shower and she said to me that

she tried the heel protein shake which

lives on my fridge over there and she

said it's amazing low calories you get

your 20 odd grams of protein you get

your 26 vitamins and minerals and it's

nutritionally complete in the protein

space there's lots of things but it's

hard to find something that is nice

especially when consumed just with water

and that is nutritionally complete and

that has about 100 calories in total

while also giving you 20 grams of

protein

if you haven't tried the keel protein

product do give it a try the salted

caramel one if you put some ice cubes in

it and you put it in a blender and you

try it is as good as pretty much any

milkshake on the market just mixed with

water it's been a game changer for me

because i'm trying to drop my calorie

intake and i'm trying to be a little bit

more healthy with my diet so this is

where heel fits in my life thank you

hill for making a product that i

actually like the salted caramel is my

favorite i've got the banana one here

which is the one my girlfriend likes but

for me salted caramel is

the one

when you talk about priorities i was

trying to in my head think of a

a use of words that might be more um

received better and it's funny because i

was thinking about this table i was

thinking there's

this table

now has two levels right the first

foundation of this table you could call

health right without that nothing else

can sit on the table the second

foundation could be mission and then the

relationship sits on top of both and

it's enabled by the foundation of my my

health and my mission absolutely man i

think if you kind of flip it it kind of

sounds better

like because effectively you're putting

your health at the bottom which is yeah

well sources still your foundation but i

completely get that because at any time

in my life where i've abandoned my my

sense of mission

i can only do that for a short period of

time i can only fake that before i start

to lose orientation in my mind and you

resent yourself you represent the person

you present the relationship and you're

like

you're not in love as much with the

relationship because you feel like

you're not it's not lifting you to your

highest calling amen and i think

the beautiful thing about martha in our

relationship

i think should be open with me talking

about this

but every relationship i've been in i

was like i wonder what it would be like

to start therapy in the beginning when

everything is perfect so with martha i

said in the beginning i said listen

i'm doing therapy every two weeks i did

this for the last year on my own

individually i'm going to be doing it

for this next year and years just as

emotional accountability for myself in

life business friends family like

anything i need to process it's just

good for me to clean

the energy

and not let things pile up

and i said i'd love for us and she was

doing this individually i said i'd love

for us to do this together as we start

to develop our relationship when things

are great

and actually see if we are in alignment

and so two weekends ago we did a five

hour session together with my therapist

talking about expectations agreements

values

dreams vision

and just processing anything we needed

to process

and it was such a powerful experience

that

when things are going good to continue

to talk about vision casting what we

want to build together not when things

are going bad and it's really to talk

about things that maybe

we haven't fully been comfortable

talking about yet and putting it out

there

as opposed to hiding things or waiting

for things to come out later

and it was such a powerful five-hour

experience i mean it's very emotional

and you're processing a lot and we're

we're diving in deep exercises eye

gazing talking about things like

it's an emotional

relationship workout yeah you'll save a

lot of time and headache by going to

therapy when things are great as opposed

to when things are bad it's like that

prevention versus reaction

once it's read his ugly head and there's

been some bust up you go to the gym

not because you're sick but because

you're healthy yeah to stay healthy

you know not what not when your weight

to get sick now i need to go to the gym

yeah

and i think who does that in

relationships i don't know anyone who's

done that you hear people say like

before marriage we do like a pre-marital

maybe

relationship training with the churches

or like a therapist but that's after a

few years usually

i just wanted to experiment

i have no idea where it's going to go

but i feel like um something's

something's happening underneath the

surface by both of us doing this

together when things are good men just

don't do this stuff lewis i'm thinking

about my guy friends and i i can imagine

some hesitancy towards them 100 because

they just not it's all the things you've

described they've won a mask of

toughness we put them we keep keep the

emotions in the back room you know what

i mean and and also do you know what you

know what as well guys don't love

conflict with love fun man so they would

probably see

that as oh my god i'm going to get told

off oh my god she's going to give me

[ __ ] for that thing i do it's so hard

man what you've described there that

doing the

making the roots go deeper

again something i have to thank you for

because we had a conversation about

vision values and lifestyle oh and when

i got back from dubai how'd it go

i had a conversation with my girlfriend

and she was all for it so

on that table there and i said i spoke

to louis and he talked about vision

values and lifestyle so we sat there one

night on the weekend

lit a candle we were making some like

pottery stuff and we said after we've

done this we'll just write down our

visions values and lifestyle and we'll

go through them one one by one so like i

speak on one you speak one that's

beautiful it took about three hours and

there were tears oh my god moments of

joy

[Laughter]

but the conclusion was exactly what

you've described there was all these

little things

i'll give you some detail give it to me

how we when we go to sleep at night i

like to go to sleep a certain way so i

like something playing she likes silence

oh but you haven't talked about it

probably hadn't talked about it wow and

it was one of the things just about like

our sleep routine we're obviously gonna

have to sleep in bed for many many years

and we hadn't discussed it and i knew it

was conflict i was getting in bed and

knowing if i play this she's not gonna

be happy but she might not say anything

and so just talking it through and going

look babe the reason why i listen to

something when i go to sleep is because

i've had 29 years of doing that when i

lived in the countryside in plymouth i

had a radio in my room and the kid in me

found comfort in hearing a voice when i

went to sleep you've had 29 years of

doing it another way we've got to ask

ourselves is it really a problem

and we and that was the discussion like

is it a problem if i say if i put an

airport in

because i'm not going to compromise

right and

if you you know you won't even hear it

is it really a problem and then we

discussed why she thought it might be a

problem does that impact her intimacy

well intimacies are suff you know and

eventually we came to this conclusion

and it's not an issue anymore and it was

an issue in our relationship for about a

year it was that niggling little you

could feel the contempt and resentment

slowly building and you guys were a long

distance too right so so it wasn't like

you weren't sleeping it wasn't every

every every day for months no so you

like a couple weeks at a time

yeah but when you're gonna be more

together consistently it could be a

problem yeah that's one of the list of

about 30 things that we

we addressed and worked through and more

than anything coming out the end of that

exercise which is something i've never

done with any partner i've ever had i've

never even had the conversation you just

crash no you don't i didn't learn this

until like two years ago yeah you just

just you just get on with life right you

just

try to keep having fun experiences and

avoid conflict the conflict i've had so

many uncomfortable conversations with

with martha that

it's like a muscle you got to practice

it and every time an uncomfortable

conversation comes up

i have to breathe i'm like oh man i feel

tense yeah i don't want to do it i don't

like it i don't think anyone likes it

but the more we do it here's the thing

we've created a safe space where

and the reason i don't like to do it or

haven't like to do it until now

is because every time i would have an

uncomfortable conversation before the

partner i had could not handle it

so i'd say here's how i'm feeling and

they couldn't handle it or there'd be an

explosion or reaction or something so it

didn't make me feel safe to have the

uncomfortable conversation so i would

avoid it amen and with martha i said to

her listen

like the first one come from a

conversation i go

she asked me a question about something

that was kind of like

i can't remember exactly what it was but

i remember like hmm should i tell her

the truth or should i

cut us a little bit of the truth you

know and i go

do you want me to be 100 honest with you

and she said yes always i go are you

sure you want me to be 100 honest she

said yes and i go okay let me ask you

one more time

and the reason i'm asking is because

i've never met someone who can hold the

space for my honesty

without

reacting or crying or screaming or

running away

so are you saying you're you're

emotionally available to hold the space

for my honesty and truth she said yes

i'm a grown woman i go interesting okay

well here it is

she was like

thank you for your honesty

and it built a

one step okay let me try this again one

more time and make sure she can really

handle it

and the more steps of her holding space

for my honesty my vulnerability and not

exploding or reacting makes me feel like

okay i can say anything and she may not

like it it may be uncomfortable but

she's not explosive and that's a

powerful

thing of how can i

be comfortable in the discomfort while

also feeling safe that's

huge

and you've got to learn to practice that

yourself in a relationship and not be

reactive if a partner is telling you

stuff about their past you don't like or

what they did or this and that you got

to be okay and practice it and they've

got to be and that's where

constantly working on yourself is huge

in intimacy and relationships

and if one person's doing that and the

other person isn't there's going to be

conflict yeah

do you have a trainer when you work out

yes

have you had a business coach in the

past

or mentors

would you stop getting coaching in

business even though you've been so

successful

you want to stop even though you've got

all this money and businesses and

startups and investment

you know dragons then

you'd keep hiring a coach or have a

mentor

in business

why would we not do that for our

emotions and our heart

it is the most powerful

energy that we have emotions and our

heart

and yet

we have a stigma around having a coach

or mentor or a guide or a therapist

whatever you want to call it of

emotional regulation and accountability

and people make so many mistakes in

their lives

by not having that

regulated

their reactions can have consequences

for years

people go to prison for one reaction

people lose their entire business for

one reaction people lose their marriages

because of one emotional reaction

this is one of the most powerful

currencies in the world in my opinion is

having

power over your emotions

not stuffing your emotions not saying

they don't exist not acknowledging them

but expressing them in a healthy

way and in a healthy environment

and when we learn that and i've been

learning that over the last couple of

years it's been an incredible shift in

every area of my life

and i also just feel an incredible sense

of peace i'm not saying that

i'm always going to be perfect in the

future around this

but showing up to someone twice twice a

month

and processing makes me a whole lot

better

you just reminded me of something that

really stuck out to me when i first met

you

was

when we were sat there and you're doing

it again today you've done it three

times today

is

you would say something

and then you'd say

and that's my responsibility

so even when you were talking about

previous relationships you've been and

whatever else

you would not blame the other person you

would like aggressively not blame them

in a in a really remarkable way so you'd

say this happened this happened this

happened this happened

where any other human being i've ever

met was was in their right to attribute

the blame to the person and you would

always end the sentence as you've done

three times today with and that's on me

or and that's my responsibility yeah

why

because i chose it i chose those

experiences i chose those relationships

i chose the environment i chose those

people i chose to stay

and it's my responsibility on how i show

up and how i

react how i respond and how i

stay or leave but even when someone was

toxic or whatever to you you say that

was on me it's my responsibility because

if someone does that

and i stay with them that's on me that's

me not standing up for myself it's me

abandoning myself that's not on them

they're living their life they're doing

what they do naturally

it didn't line up with me

but i stayed so that's on me i can't

expect someone else to change i can't

expect someone else to respect my values

my vision and my lifestyle

they have theirs and they're showing it

through their actions

and their behaviors

and so for me if i'm able to witness

that and be aware and not have the false

sense of love

and be attached to the false sense of

love that i'm feeling i'm having this

feeling about this person and i want to

get back to this healthy environment

with this person

i got to learn to let that go and that's

why i say i can hold love in my hands

loosely

committed and excited about it

but if it's not meant for me i shouldn't

hold on to it and abandon myself and i

think i did that too many times so

that's 100 my responsibility can you run

me through then because i know there's

gonna be people that people listening to

this that i've just had we both done

this exercise and it was amazing and

they're gonna they're now thinking what

is the values part what is the vision

problem what's the lifestyle part yeah i

think the values is really about well

for me the values is like okay

i value health in my life

i'm i'm gonna be focused on my health

i value my mission my team my business

like that's a conscious mission

i value spending time with friends i

value all my hobbies and activities

that's salsa dancing that's traveling

that's all these different things i

enjoy doing

i value

conscious conversations

like i want to have conscious

conversations i can't have superficial

conversations i literally met someone

this morning before i came here

um

who was a part of a big company here in

london

and within two minutes i probably like

shouldn't do this but

i don't know if all british people are

this way and it's not a bad thing but

it's very good with like surface talk

you know oh how was your how was the

flight and uh what was the world order

some

or whatever it is you know and it's like

which is fine but i just can't handle it

after a few minutes so right away i i'm

the person saying next to me

i was like how's your marriage you know

i just i was like how long have you been

married for you know and she was like

i've been married for like six years and

i go

what's three questions you wish you

would have asked i literally did this i

go what's three questions you wish you

would have asked

the day before you got married that you

didn't ask because i'm just fascinated

by people you know i'm curious i'm like

how amazing has marriage been how's it

been has it been healthy have you had

challenges is there anything you wish

you would have changed or talked about

sooner

and right away she's like opening up and

like being vulnerable and i was like

sorry to put this on you right now but

i'm just fascinated

because i want to learn from everyone

and um

so i was like i want to have conscious

conversations it's one of my values so

we have these deep intimate talks all

the time

and so i write down a list of all my

values the vision is this is the vision

for my personal life so personally i

want to be

working out i'm going to be healthy as

an individual my vision is my

my mission which is building a conscious

business to serve millions of people to

help them improve the quality of their

life and this is a major priority to me

this is my one and two priority this is

my vision and also our relationship

vision which i think

is extremely important to talk about

with your partner

here's the vision i have for our

relationship for these

these couple years and for the future

this is what i see

with flexibility nothing's set in stone

but this is what i see what is your

vision for our relationship because

maybe her or his vision is different

one person wants to have kids the other

person doesn't one wants to get married

the other doesn't one wants an open

relationship the other one doesn't want

that one wants their family around every

weekend the other one's like i don't

want to be around your family every

weekend

so what is the vision of our shared

relationship

and then lifestyle i love

you know

traveling do you like to travel

i love to watch these types of movies i

like to eat these types of foods i like

these types of experiences this is a

lifestyle that i live

if you have a completely different

lifestyle that's going to be hard for us

if you like to do none of those things

if you like to stay at home every day

where i want to go out and network with

people and travel

that's just going to be a top we're

going to be butting heads a lot and

there might be

maybe it works but it might cause some

friction and distance in the future so

are we in alignment of values vision and

lifestyle it doesn't have to be 100

perfect but is there alignment in each

category and i think the more alignment

you have

the more potential for a better

healthier relationship

and on things like work this is

obviously a big one for ambitious people

when they um

when they're running a business they're

career driven they're vision or mission

driven and they have a partner

i want to know from a work perspective

what kind of conversation you've had

with martha and vice versa because i

know you're a guy that travels a lot

does a lot of speaking is very you know

in pursuit of yourself and your

potential

so how do you then balance like being a

boyfriend being present going on dates

and stuff what's the

conversation when i first met her i said

one of my values is alone time

like that's one of my values as well is

having

alone time having enough space in our

home so that i can go in the room and do

what i want to do and watch sports or

chill and you can do what you want to do

and i feel like we have space

it doesn't mean i don't want to be

around her all the time but i also value

my space and alone time and so does she

so it's having those conversations

and with with business i said listen if

you can come on any trip like you're

more than welcome to come i'd love for

you to come

but she's doing her own thing she's

traveling as well back and forth from

atlanta so

um and she'll be filming two movies

later this year and gone for two months

at a time so i'll need to travel at

those times and she'll travel with me

and that's the season of our life right

now

and you're anticipating another season

at some point i imagine

at some point yeah i mean it may evolve

may change in the family and all these

other things so it's like when that

season happens

there may be less travel for her how do

you feel about that about what about the

next season that family because there's

a smoke on your face which is why this

is something that i say to her i go

listen i'm really

intentional about building a deep strong

foundation let's keep building a strong

foundation and everything else will

follow

if i feel a sense of peace i feel a

sense of safety in this relationship

just like you

then all these other things are going to

happen naturally and they'll probably

happen fast

naturally once we both have a deeper

foundation and just experienced life

more so have you historically had a

commitment challenge 100 man 100 percent

well actually i haven't had a commitment

challenge because i've always been

committed i've been in very long-term

community relationships

but i've had a commitment challenge in

seeing

around family and kids because i never

trusted the person i was with fully so i

couldn't see myself having kids with

them and i kept

waiting to see something to shift

to where i felt like

this was kind of where my head would go

this is maybe weird but i would say if

something ever happened to me could i

trust this person would take care of my

kids

and i just never felt that because i

never felt like i could trust him with

me like again

i take full responsibility and

accountability because i chose people

that didn't accept me fully that weren't

happy with who i was

and so that's on me

and

i never felt like i could go to the next

level with any of them because i was

like something's off inside and i feel

like

ah i'm changing who i am to make them

happy and they're still not happy

so i can't have kids with i can't see

myself living like this for you know 20

years with someone so

and that kind of trauma that niggle is

is that still inside you there somewhere

as you think about it i think it was in

the first maybe a few months of us

dating

but i don't feel like it is anymore yeah

i feel like every day i create more and

more peace and connection and safety

and she's just an incredible person like

she's just a

great human being and trustworthy and

so it's like even if something happened

to me she could be incredible you know

incredible mom so

of all the things you've learned from

your good and bad relationships if you

were to have if i had to if i said to

you that what is the single biggest

killer of relationships what would your

answer be

uh i would say the biggest killer of

relationships

is being out of integrity with your

authentic power and abandoning yourself

to create peace

in the relationship because

if one person's doing that

or two people are doing that

there's some type of codependency

there's some type of

wound on why we're doing that that's

creating that so for me

the biggest killer is not healing

that's the biggest killer whatever

wounds we have

be on the healing journey it's not it's

not going to happen overnight it's not

like a moment it's a journey of healing

and i think

the more people are willing to dive into

their heart and their emotions

and whatever

insecurities wherever they feel

triggered

that's where you need to lean into

because that trigger's going to come up

into relationships big time if you

haven't healed it so it's the emotional

healing i think it's one of the most

powerful things it's funny i interviewed

a brain surgeon

who'd done over a thousand brain

surgeries and studied the brain and he's

also a

phd in neuroscience so he studies the

mind and thoughts and he's a brain

surgeon

and i said what's the number one skill

do you feel like human beings should

learn to master

and his answer was beautiful he said

emotional regulation

i was like i 100 agree

because if we don't have the power to

regulate

our feelings around a situation and

environment

something that happens in events then

that event has power over us as opposed

to us over that moment

and if it has power over us to where we

react so strongly

we need to ask ourselves why am i so

triggered

where is that one that's a wound

somewhere where is that wound and how

can i start the healing journey i'm not

saying that things are gonna happen in

life and you're never gonna feel

something

but just not react and be overwhelmed

emotionally to where it takes you away

from love and takes you away from your

mission but if something is so strong

that it causes you to lose sleep for

three days or causes you to

react in a negative way it's pulling you

away from

your heart from love and from your

meaningful mission i think we just got

to get back to okay why is this

stressing me out how can i process this

and integrate healing in a healthy way

so that when life happens it doesn't

pull me off my mission

and that's

something i've experienced for the first

time in the last three months is really

like life has happened in a big way for

me

it's

sidetracked me a little bit but it's not

pulling me off like i'm i'm needing to

face it and deal with things and process

but it's not like defeating me to where

i feel like i'm exhausted

and

that's because i'm holding myself

emotionally accountable and doing the

work

if i if someone's listening to this and

they don't have a therapist they don't

have the resources or whatever to have

therapy how else can they go about

developing the self-awareness required

for that emotional regulation journey