This almost killed me. And it's killed

hundreds and thousands of women. If

men's parts were falling off, there

would be a resolution tomorrow. Until

something is done, I won't quit.

Lauren Wasser Model, activist, and

survivor of one of the deadliest

diseases caused by a product millions of

women use today, resulting in losing

both of her legs. I'm the girl with the

golden legs. Lauren,

October the 3rd, 2012,

can you take me to that day? I was just

on my period. [music] It was super

heavy, and I I guess I must have passed

out.

They found me face down on my bedroom

floor. Toxic shock syndrome caused by a

tampon, and I was 10 minutes from death.

I had two heart attacks. My kidneys, my

organs were failing. My feet were

turning black. So, when I finally woke

up, they needed to amputate [music] my

right leg or I was going to die. But,

they're telling me that we cannot give

you any pain medicine.

I have felt every single thing that was

done to me.

For those 8 months, I was alone. Every

day, I was throwing, screaming, crying,

wanting to like think about ways I could

kill myself.

But, there was something in my soul that

was like, "Don't pull the trigger."

Just hold on.

Are you feeling a sense of injustice?

This shouldn't have happened, but

there's nothing on the market for women

that is safe for us. It kills us. This

is my new beginning. Lauren, what can be

done? That's the scary part.

I have to give you a warning.

This conversation is not easy to listen

to because it's so deeply moving.

But, it's important that you do. It's

important that more people know about

the risks that they face by the products

they use every single day. And it's

important that people hear Lauren

Wasser's unimaginable story.

A A that will change your mind, break

your heart, and then put it back

together again. Toxic shock syndrome is

probably something you've never heard of

before, but it can affect anyone at any

time. Men, women, and children of all

ages.

[music]

[music]

Lauren,

what do I need to know about your

earliest years

to understand how you were

shaped, molded, the perspective that you

inherited from that early context and

environment?

I think the idea of perfection, the idea

[clears throat] that physically

looking like that 1% and being, I guess

back then too, being a supermodel in the

late '80s, '90s, that's kind of like the

cool era and that's kind of where

me being around all of these women that

were just flawless and beautiful, um,

kind of set [clears throat] the tone.

And also saw like

you can get away with anything if you're

beautiful as well, which was interesting

to me.

But I was the complete opposite. Like

I am a tomboy, played basketball as my

first love. That's where I I think

really molded and shaped it who I am as

a person and why I honestly I think I'm

alive. I think having to have the

dedication, have the

determination, but also like have to

show up every single day and give it

your all, um,

was something that I didn't really see

anywhere else. Like my dad wasn't there.

My dad, unfortunately, he was

he got caught up in the whole drug

scene, um,

complete drug addict,

um,

basically saw him homeless on the side

of the street when I was younger. Like

my mom and I would be driving down

Melrose

and my dad, I would look out and be

like, "Oh my god, that's my dad."

Like on the side of the street cuz he's

homeless.

He was. He was a big model. But, you

know, Studio 54, that whole era was

obviously drug

mostly drugs. But my mom was like

ahead of her career, 21 years old.

Um 21 years old? She had me at 21.

She was a a big model, wasn't she? She

was pretty big. She was a Stephanie

Seymour and Cindy Crawford and Naomi.

That whole era, you know, um

kind of growing up and around that was

just kind of crazy to see.

She wouldn't even leave the house

without wearing makeup or like looking

like top of the line. Whereas, I don't

give a [ __ ] Like I'll just roll out of

bed and

put on some basketball shorts and and a

vintage tee and be like, "Cool, I'm

out." You know. [laughter]

What if I'd asked you then, say you're

16 years old and I said, "What do you

want to be when you're older?" What

would you have responded to me? Oh, I

thought I was going to be like the Maria

Sharapova, like the WNBA. Like I was I

was

I was set in stone wanting to be like

endorsements,

playing ball 24/7, travel like that was

my dream.

Like that's what I really wanted for

myself.

To be a basketball player? Yeah.

So, that's why it's kind of like just

the irony of like the fact I don't have

legs anymore is like just crazy to me

cuz I'm like I'm an athlete first and

foremost and like that is my livelihood.

Like that's what I know best is movement

is

going outside and going for a run, you

know? I mean, even just

we all take for granted just walking in

the shower,

you know?

So, you're 24 when your life changes.

Mhm.

October the 3rd, 2012. You're 24 years

old.

Can you take me to that day?

When you woke up that day, what was you

know, what was if you can remember the

the plans you had for that day and

um and how that day unfolded.

Yeah, I was uh 24.

Probably the best day of ever in my

life. Super healthy. Um

My period has always been really heavy,

so I've always had to use super

absorbent tampons.

Um

but and my mom had told me about toxic

shock syndrome. She told me obviously

how to use them properly, change them

every 3 hours.

Um but on that specific day, I

like any normal day, I was just on my

period. It was super heavy and

I ran out of my tampons, so I went and

bought a new box and

I just remember feeling

super sick, like almost as if I like the

flu. It was October, so flu season.

All of my friends were getting sick and

I had to go to my friend's birthday that

night and it's just me and my blind

cocker spaniel at the time living in

Santa Monica. So it's just her and I. I

changed my tampon obviously.

And I'm I'm just laying there probably,

I don't know, 30, 40 minutes. I start

feeling even worse.

And I'm like, wow, I'm I'm really

feeling sick. I'm texting with my

friends, you know,

couple hours go by,

change my tampon again. So this is this

is the second time I've changed it.

It's about now like

I don't know, 5, 6 p.m.

And I have to get ready to go to my

friend's birthday, so

I get in the shower, get myself

together, put a new the tampon in.

And as soon as I drive and I walk into

the venue, all of my friends are in

there and they're just like, dude, you

look so sick. And I felt it, like I

finally in that moment felt like this

like whole wave of like

heat and also just

something is not right. And I'm like,

yeah, I think I should probably just go

home. So I drive myself back home. My

mom and I are are close, so we chat

every 5 minutes. We're always in

communication.

And I was like, "Yeah, I'm just feeling

kind of unwell, but I'm I'm I think I'm

okay." And then I get to my apartment

and I'm just like really, really hot.

So, I just take off all of my clothes.

And I just [clears throat] like lay on

the floor with

by my bed with my dog.

And I I guess I must have passed out.

And my mom's frantically trying to like

get in contact with me and she can't get

a hold of me, but she knew that I was

feeling ill.

So, she called um the police to come by

for a welfare check.

So, I'm laying on I remember this

because I was laying on my my my bedroom

floor

and I just remember my blind cocker

spaniel

like literally on my chest. And you know

a cocker spaniel, like they're so sweet

and friendly and she was like

ferociously like barking at me to where

like I could feel her like breath and

her like spit almost.

And she was just like so like adamant

about like getting me up, like jumping

on me and stuff.

And then I hear like the knock at the

door.

And I hear police, police open up. And

I'm like, "What? Like what's going on?

Like why are the police here?" So

confused.

But at this time, I was already

accumulating like a 107 fever. So, I was

pretty much like

just not in any shape or form like

making any

real decisions cuz I'm just so

discombobulated of like even what's

going on.

So, I like throw on a hoodie and I open

the door and and the cop comes in and he

looks at me and he's like, "You're

really sick."

And I'm like, "No [ __ ] you know, like

obviously."

And he looks around my apartment and I

think like I didn't even have a chance

to take my dog out. So, then I'm sure

there was like pee and whatever and

he's like, "Um you're really sick. You

need to call your mom." And I'm like,

"Okay." And then he's like so I I

plugged in my phone

and he just [ __ ] left.

The cop just left me.

So, then I like plug my phone in. I text

my mom. I'm like, "The cop just came."

Obviously, I'm really sick, but I think

I just have the flu. And I mean, he's a

cop, so I think if there was any real

urgency, he would take me to the

emergency room. And at that point, I'm

in Santa Monica, and I'm living 5

minutes from St. John's.

Like, you could see St. John's from my

balcony of my apartment. Yeah, this

hospital that saved my life. How long

had you been on the floor?

Probably a few hours. Okay. Um

but she was like

after speaking to her, clearly, she has

that motherly instinct to be like,

"Something doesn't sit well." So, I

said, "Listen, the cop just left.

Obviously, I think I'm okay. I just need

to just sleep this off.

And I'll I'll call you in the morning."

And that was the last we spoke.

Obviously, that doesn't sit well with

her, so she feels the need to get

another welfare check. She gets her

husband to drive her. She was just uh

had surgery, so she was bedridden, and

she was living in Riverside at the time,

which is like

it could take up to like an hour or two

to even get to me. So, she called all of

her friends, all of my friends, called

the police again

to come to my apartment to like see how

I'm doing or get me help or something.

Um so, once she [clears throat] did

that, the cops came again, and it took

them like 30 to 45 minutes to get inside

of my apartment. And they found me face

down on my bedroom floor, defecated

basically myself and everything around

me. I was dying. I was 10 minutes from

death.

They rushed me to St. John's, um

and they were like, "Why is this

healthy, young, 24-year-old girl

plummeting?"

They didn't get it. And

thank God, there was an infectious

disease doctor that was on call, and he

said, "Well, does she have a tampon in?"

And once they located the tampon, and

they sent it to the lab, it came back as

TSS-1, and that's when they were able to

finally kind of get me stable and give

me the things that I that my body was

more susceptible to accepting at that

time, because it was really grim.

And I had two heart attacks. My kidneys,

my organs were failing.

They put me on life support. I had a 107

fever. They

basically gave me a 1% chance of even

surviving.

So. TSS-1

Toxic shock syndrome caused by a tampon.

It's because all of these tampons,

feminine hygiene products that are

available for women on the market right

now if we were to go look,

they have chlorine, bleach, dioxin,

all these synthetic fibers that we place

inside of us at such a delicate time.

And that just gets in your bloodstream

and it slowly kills you.

It's a gateway to everything. And those

specific things are

so toxic.

You know, and then if you're using super

absorbent tampons, the absorbency

way more than just a normal one. And

even if you use a cotton tampon, it's

still sprayed with pesticides.

So there is actually nothing on the

market for women that is safe for us.

Everything has something, some sort of

chemical in it.

So so they you're in hospital, they've

given you a 1% chance of

of surviving, of living. Mhm. And

they've they've told your family

presumably that your chance of survival

is

You haven't well you have a 99% chance

of not surviving. Mhm.

Do you know how your your family had

responded to that?

There was a whole line around St. John's

of like everyone that I knew

to say goodbye to me. Of course my

family too, but like I'm from LA. Like I

I've been around and know everyone. And

to see that kind of response, especially

during that to where like people are

actually coming to say their

their goodbyes and pay their respects is

just insane. Obviously I I don't know

any of that, but that's that's just what

I've been told, but

it's just pretty crazy. And I was, you

know,

in a Well, on life support, fighting for

my life, and

each moment was was very grim.

You were in a coma?

Yeah, I was in a I was on life support

in a coma for like

a week and a half.

Have you

found out when someone while you were in

a coma, in terms of the treatments they

were giving you to try and keep you

alive? So, they gave me um they pumped

me in my whole body full of fluids

because the toxins had taken over, so

they pumped my body full of like 100 lb

of fluid. So, when I finally woke up

from from the coma, I was 200 lb. So,

like I'm tiny, and I woke up, and I was

just like, I thought I literally just

had one of those nights where you just

eat a bunch of donuts and candy and ice

cream, and I was just like,

is this what hap- You know, I just I had

no idea why I was literally in and had

tubes [clears throat] in my throat and

machines everywhere, and my mom

obviously like sitting right beside me,

and everyone freaking out that like I'm

awake.

And but what degree am I awake? Like no

one specifically knew

how damaged or what severity it was

until I could actually like

be awake to to tell them more, to show

them.

But,

yeah, it was it was really touch and go.

The rest of your family, your

grandparents, your brother, were they

around at that time?

Yeah.

Everyone was, all of my friends. I mean,

it was it was really to that point. I

mean, my my godfather and my mom got a

casket.

They were going to plan my funeral.

Like, they was to that point of like

this girl probably will not make it.

And it's a bacterial infection.

Yeah, but it's it's It has nothing to do

with leaving your tampon in too long.

I was changing my with the tampon as as

normal as I've always done, as normal as

you should, as normal as directed. Um,

but again, I think it's about

how toxic these tampons are and how they

sit in our bodies and, you know, it just

takes one of those those toxins to get

in our bloodstream and it starts that

kind of flu-like symptoms, but that's so

vague. That's so

um

Yeah, I just think that could be in so

many things. And and even now, I would

never be able to differentiate

oh yeah, my tampon is making me sick. I

would never think that. But now that I

have all the information and obviously

knowing that like

I'm just the lucky one that got away

with my life.

You know, looking back on it, I'm like,

wow, like that's it's crazy that that

almost killed me.

And it's killed hundreds and thousands

of women

since the '80s, the early '80s to now.

It's still an epidemic that's never gone

away.

Was it by chance that that particular

doctor was on call that day that asked

about, does she have a tampon in?

Oh, I'm I'm so grateful because that

that in itself is a miracle

that there was someone that knows about

toxic shock syndrome and, you know,

understands the dangers and was there

and saw, you know, the symptoms that I

was obviously showing and had even the

idea to to ask or to look or to, you

know,

say this is this could be it. This could

probably why this girl's literally dying

right before us.

But it says a lot that they would ask

that question.

It's it says that there's clearly a long

history of that being

a causal factor for illness if a doctor

would even ask that question.

But the sad thing is is a lot of it it

goes misdiagnosed a lot of the time and

and a lot of people just think it's it's

doesn't happen or it couldn't happen or

you know, it was kind of swept under the

rug by tampon companies because it's a

billion-dollar industry and you know, no

one ever saw someone like myself

survive it and then being able to say

hey like

this is this shouldn't be happening.

Like this almost killed me and that's

why I even shared my story to begin with

is because I wanted women and I wanted

the world to be aware that this is

something that

we shouldn't be taking lightly and that

we need to demand for safer products and

also

demand like why is this still happening

and you know,

obviously then it was 2012 but here we

are at 2023 and young women more than

ever are in danger.

I I read that the doctors were telling

your mother to start praying that you'd

stay alive.

Yeah. And that the doctors were praying.

I think everyone was praying. It was it

was really dark. It was like a

I I feel so bad for my mom because I

can't even imagine to like what degree

she

you know, seeing me in that state and

then every moment is like you know, with

these machines going off, you know,

she's literally sitting on a cot next to

me just staring and hoping that I I'd

even come to, you know, and You were her

best friend as well at that point.

Yeah, and it yeah, it just probably was

so hard.

You start to wake up.

Yeah. Can you talk talk to me about what

happened from that point onwards when

you start to regain consciousness? What

did you hear? What did you see?

Again, I think when I first woke up I

was just it was just pure shock. I

didn't know why I was so big. I didn't

know why I had the breathing tubes and

um the the crazy thing too is I guess

during my the whole time when I was in a

coma, my my feet

were turning black slowly because a lot

of the damage was done when my body was

dying. So all of the blood went to like

my brain, my heart, my my organs and my

everything and so your lower extremities

or your extremities of that don't really

get the blood because you're dying. So,

they're going to preserve

the goods first, if that makes sense.

[clears throat]

Um so, a lot of that damage was

irreversible because I was

I don't know, on my bedroom floor

alone dying for

I don't know, a couple hours, I guess,

you know, and then that time a lot of

that damage was

was done to my lower extremities, but

also

they were it was happening to my hands,

too.

And so, my hands were turning black,

too. And and to this day, there's no

reason why any medical physician can

tell me why my hands came back and I

didn't have to amputate. Like, they were

thinking about amputating my legs and my

hands

while I was in the coma because they

were discolored and, you know, turning

kind of purplish pink and it's pretty

crazy. Like, if I would have woken up

and

had no arms and no legs, I definitely

don't think I would be here. There's no

way. I don't think I'm that strong.

There's there's just no way. But, the

idea of that is just kind of crazy that

And maybe it's because, you know, my

arms were close to my heart and the

blood flow

came came easier that way, but

I think that's pretty crazy, too.

When was the first time you were aware

that there was a suggestion of

amputating anything?

Um

for the first time I was alone in the

ICU at St. John's and it was just me

sitting there

and my feet were just constantly on

fire. Like, it literally felt as though

someone was sitting there just lighting

my foot on fire. Like, the burning

sensation was

insane.

Um and my my right leg was worse than my

left. My toes on my left side were

turning purplish pink. Um but, my right

side, there was a lot more damage, you

could tell.

And so, then the the came in of

basically they they needed to

amputate my right leg to save my life

or I was going to die. And I had no idea

about any of that. So, I'm laying there,

my room is empty

and there is a nurse that comes in and

she's on the other side of me behind a

curtain and I can [clears throat] hear

the conversation.

And she's saying, "I have a a young girl

here who's 24 years old who's

[clears throat] going to need a right

leg below the knee amputation and we

need to get her in bed right away and

into hyperbaric as soon as possible."

So, she's on the phone to UCLA to get me

into UCLA because they have the best

um hyperbaric uh chambers there that

basically it's like 200% oxygen that you

go into and it basically just just like

gets everything moving and the blood

flow to everything and

so, they were trying to get me a room

and I just remember hearing like

I just remember like looking around and

being like, "Is she she's talking about

me?"

Like she's she's saying that I'm

an amputation like and I just [ __ ]

started screaming.

And I was screaming for my mom, I was

screaming for my god I was screaming for

everyone. I was like, "Do not let this

person do not let anyone touch me. Do

not let this Like what is she saying?

Like tell her that's not true."

Like just completely unaware of like the

severity of

the situation for myself.

And

yeah, it was that was probably the first

time where I like even heard the word

amputation.

I can't believe you overheard it. Yeah,

it was like

shocking.

And then from there I think I just was

like, "I'm [ __ ] doomed."

Because like

you know

being able to just

walk and move and obviously being an

athlete and

not having your legs like I couldn't

even wrap my head around that. Like what

does that even look like? You overhear

that behind the curtain.

You start screaming.

What happens then?

I think too, it's like

being able or just being a normal human

being, you never even think about what

that looks like.

What that even entails of having to live

with or having to even,

you know,

put a leg like you just your mind

doesn't even go there cuz why would it,

you know? And

so for me just knowing what that did

look like and what I knew of people

with, you know, prosthetics or

whatever, I just I was like, this is

this is not going to happen like this

cannot happen to me. This is not

reality. This is like a [ __ ]

nightmare that I just really hope is

going to end soon. Does your mother come

running in? You Yeah, she she came

running in and she was just like trying

to calm me, but obviously it was like

she probably knew too, but

it was just a shock. It was just like

how

I couldn't even comprehend like what

that even meant.

Um so then they were like, we need to

get you to UCLA as soon as possible. So

we went to UCLA. Um

And you know what's crazy is like our

health care system is so backwards too,

like

I can look back and say I'm grateful A

that I have health that I had health

insurance, but also that I knew people.

That I knew people in substantial places

and and and

places that could help me.

But if I didn't know them, I wouldn't

have been given those

luxurious like opportunities of even

getting a bed in UCLA if my mom didn't

know so-and-so.

Or if my godfather didn't make this call

or do you know what I mean? And it's

like that shouldn't even be a thing.

Like everyone is a human being.

Like there's no this or that for for

life and that was kind of like really

after all of this, I was like, that's

really sad that

I I know, life is kind of

picked apart like what matters and who

matters and when it matters and

what you

what cards you can

pull together, you know? Um

So, just getting to UCLA and in

and there and getting a room and being

able to like have that specific health

care and that attention, especially when

I needed it,

was honestly heaven-sent

because I wouldn't have gotten what I

got had I not been in connections with

the people that I knew.

But yeah, just getting to UCLA and

immediately getting into hyperbaric and

trying to see, you know, the severity of

the damage and if it was possible to

even get any blood flow.

Um but and it would be weird because I'd

go into the hyperbaric chamber and it's

like this huge It's probably like the

size of this room. And you could

probably fit like four or five people in

it.

And they'd just wheel me in and I'd

probably have to take some of my crazy

anti um anxiety medicine because it's

like

it's like going to the depths of the

ocean, you know, they have to turn the

thing and they can't open it for

anything. Like otherwise your your lungs

would lungs would explode and it's like

it's pretty serious. And then having to

like see your feet slowly just

mummify or your you know, your toes turn

black and

you know,

this one doctor I remember she said

something like

yeah, you can just go home and you know,

your toes will just fall off and

you know, like

this is before I got to the doctors that

I needed, but that was like kind of the

the [ __ ] that I was presented with

of like people coming in and saying

like, oh, well, you know, this is just

what's going to happen and after that

happens then we'll figure it out. It's

like, excuse me?

And then like making a call and being

like, this is absolutely like insane. No

way is, you know, that happening or

You just go home and your toes will fall

off. Yeah, as if that's like just the

thing.

[clears throat]

You come out of the hyperbaric chamber.

Your

I guess the hope was after coming out of

the hyperbaric chamber that there'd be

some kind of movement in your feet or or

something, right?

to do it like three times a day for

hours on end. It was not just like one

thing. It was just trying to see

especially immediately how my body was

responding and if it was responding and

if there was any way they can salvage

anything.

And at that point gangrene had set into

my right leg and it was moving really,

really fast. So, that's when they were

like, we need to amputate like now.

And if they hadn't? Then I would die.

Because the infection would spread from

the right leg up around the body. So, it

was like cruising up my right leg, but

it somewhat was starting in my left

foot, too. So, my my toes

and my heel were really badly severely

damaged. So, from that, but then I had

my whole left

leg. But on my right side, it was like

slowly creeping to where it was turning

purplish pink and

yeah, they were like it's this is going

to move quick and it's going to move to

your heart and you're going to be dead.

So,

I really didn't have an I didn't have an

option. A doctor said that to you? Mhm.

With your mother there? Mhm.

And they were like, you have a 50/50

chance of

ever walking again as far as keeping my

left side because my toes would need to

be amputated. My heel needed to be

debrided and

knowing this now, but like your heel is

probably the most important part of your

entire body because there's nothing on

this planet that is

able to take the beating that it takes

on a daily basis, whether it's standing,

running, the pressure,

anything. Um that fat or that specific

skin, you can't buy that on the market.

There's nothing on the planet that can,

you know, you can just grow it back or

replace it or,

you know, do a a transplant or something

of that sort. It doesn't exist.

So, that was a huge concern for the

doctors and as far as like me being able

to

go back to normal life and being able to

just walk normally, even if I didn't

have toes, which is people can do, but

the heel was a a huge like concern for

theirs.

And me personally, I was like

and God rest my my godfather, I wish I

would have listened to him, but he was

like, you should probably just do both

and move on with your life.

And just kind of like,

you know,

just keep trucking. But like,

I couldn't even

fathom what that it looked like. I was

like,

there's no way. There's no way. I was

like, I have to do this slowly. I'll

have to like maybe just do the one and

then see what happens, but like there

was no way I could go in there

definitively and be like,

just take them.

So.

When it becomes clear that that's the

path forward, what what's your initial

response to the doctors when they come

with a definitive answer that this is

the the path we have to take? How do you

receive that? How does your mom receive

that?

Oh, I was just like,

just obviously just a nightmare, like

crying, screaming, freaking out.

Um, you know, especially when I'm

presented with the papers

to have, you know, them do the procedure

to take my life. I mean, my take my legs

and and it felt like my life because

that's all I knew of like

being an athlete, you know, being a

model, looking a certain way. Um,

everything I knew about myself was

completely just out the door. I mean, I

was 200 lb. My head was shaved because

my hair got matted cuz they were trying

to save my life and obviously no one

gives a [ __ ] about your hair when you're

dying.

Um, and

you know, here I am

in a hospital room and being told that,

you know, I'm going to enter this

operating room and come out a completely

different person and losing a part of

myself.

Um, it was just it was so surreal and so

scary.

And, you know, then I had like

people coming in with prosthetics and

like showing me how they're how they

live their lives and you know, my God my

grandpa is from the army. So he was

like, you know, you're just like these

guys that go and get blown up and

and at that time I was so like depressed

and it was such a dark time that I was

like, I'm not. I didn't sign up for

this. This is not what I asked for. Like

I didn't sign something saying,

okay, these are the possibilities. I

could die. I could lose limbs. Like I

was like, this is this shouldn't have

[ __ ] happened. You know, let alone

like I'm 24 years old.

And now I'm having to lose a part of

myself and

it's something I can never ever get

back. I can never grow it back. I can't

go to a surgeon to get it. Like this is

this is going to change my life forever.

And you have to sign that paper.

And I had and I had no choice because

otherwise again it was my life or was

was my leg.

Did you consider not signing it?

No.

I was in so much pain.

I was in so much pain I can't even tell

you. Like I don't even know how I made

it.

Like

of course like I was drugged up so much

and and I think that was how obviously I

got through it but just

to to have to actually process what was

about to happen I don't think I fully I

mean gathered until

I got down and they were like, I signed

the papers and they're like, all right,

today's surgery day and like wheeling me

out of my room

down to the floor and like me holding

like a stuffed animal and just screaming

and crying and like

feeling like I'm doomed.

You know, and then my mom is like

freaking out and everyone's crying and

then they write on your legs like yes

and no. So like them writing yes in

black marker on my leg that I knew that

was going to

go and then you know, seeing it on my on

my left leg of amputating my toes and

debring my heel.

It was Yeah, it was just It was a lot. I

don't even think I really processed

that. And then when they were wheeling

me away, I just screamed for my mom to

like not let them take me and

that was

yeah.

Your mother during this period, she's

watching her daughter be wheeled away.

She's You're 24 years old. You've You've

built a life on modeling and athletics.

She's watching you be wheeled um away to

have an amputation that day. What's

What's her state of mind? What's her

sort of visible

um

state? Broken.

Completely broken, completely shattered,

completely just

couldn't believe that that was even what

was happening. And And it all happened

so fast because obviously,

you know, it's it's my livelihood. It's

It's Am I going to survive this? Let

alone,

do I have time to make a decision based

on am I wanting to keep my leg or not?

It wasn't even an option.

It was chaos. It was complete chaos.

What did she say to you before you um

you get wheeled into the operating room?

"I love you." And she I just remember

her like grabbing herself cuz she was

like obviously screaming and crying, but

like trying to like not hide it from me,

but like she couldn't even look at me

being wheeled back because she knew.

You know, it was like she just had to

like turn and just like cry and scream

and hold it in as best she could to be

strong.

Um

but yeah, me screaming for her obviously

didn't help and I just felt like there

was no control. I I couldn't even just

get up and [ __ ] run if I wanted to.

That's the irony of it. It's like I was

literally physically stuck,

no matter what, and I was just having to

do this.

And it it was Yeah, it was horrible.

She She kissed your your leg.

Mhm.

And my feet. She kissed your leg and

your feet. Mhm.

Before you're wheeled in. Mhm.

[clears throat]

I mean, as a mother, know, your newborn

baby and toes and feet and seeing, you

know, it's you just never would think

that that would ever happen.

Especially to your child or your your

loved one.

I can't imagine what she was going

through um cuz we often, you know, we we

often think about the person who is

going through the medical condition, but

the people around them, especially

people someone as close as your mother

who is your best friend and you've

you've lived your lives together since

since you were born. I can't imagine the

the the sort of trauma and the

you know, the uncertainty that she was

living with as well. Like

have you have you had conversations

subsequently about with her about what

she went through in those moments?

[snorts]

No, I mean, it's sad because I feel like

God has blessed me so much. I'm so

lucky. Not only to just be alive, but I

have everything I can need and more and

I I forget every single day that I don't

have legs. Like I don't even think about

it. The only time I think about it is

when I got to pee in the middle of the

night and like, you know, going in the

ocean. Like there's certain things I I

can't do to can't just run in there cuz,

you know, I have metal and I have screws

and I have bolts and so like rust. But

like I don't even think about it. Never.

And I don't even think about what

happened, the trauma I and a lot of

that, you know, maybe it's true like I'm

suppressed and I've just kind of moved

on, but really I'm just the happiest

human.

But when I am with my mom, it is

something where she's so fixated on the

trauma, right, of what happened and

I think it's lives with her more so than

me.

And it's sad because I hate that.

Because I wish that she can just live

her life and know that and live and know

that like I'm more than okay.

Like God's got me and he's had me this

whole time. Like you don't have to

worry.

But I think as a mother and knowing the

[ __ ] that I don't even [ __ ] know that

she she to go through, and she had to

make. I mean, she was like writing down

everything, calling everyone.

You know, making sure that I had the

best of the best, making sure she like

took the notes and and the nurses and

the doctors and I mean, she was amazing.

And so, I know that she definitely saw

and felt

way more than I could even

understand or

you know, gather from her and and and I

just hope that one day she can let it go

because

I have, you know, and I just I want that

freedom for her.

Have you spoken to her about this?

Yeah.

But, I think it's just

it's just hard. I mean, I I can't

imagine

what she must have felt and seen and

you know,

it was it was hard.

It was every day was like, are we going

to make it?

You know,

it was it was a lot.

You You come out of the operating room.

How long were you in there?

Uh I don't know how long I was in there,

but I was in there for a while and I

just remember waking up and the doctor

coming to me and he's like,

um

basically my heart freaked out during

the operation because I had two heart

attacks when I first went into the

hospital, so my heart was already kind

of freaking out and not in the best

state. And then through the operation, I

think some complications or something

happened. So, I woke up and I'm sitting

there

and I won't look at my leg. I didn't I I

probably didn't look at my leg for

months. Like, I couldn't even

acknowledge that that even happened. So,

I just remember sitting up and being

like, not even acknowledging it. The

doctors were coming in and talking to me

and they're telling me that I had, you

know, some sort of complication.

And they're like, so Lauren, for the

next 24 hours, we cannot give you any

pain medicine."

This is right after I had my leg

amputated, like chopped off.

And he's like, I guess basically because

of all the medicine and stuff, it like

something about they couldn't

I don't know. My my It was about me

staying alive and not like having my

heart like freak out and have another

another heart attack or whatever. I

don't really remember the gist of it cuz

clearly I

was so like not even really present, but

when I heard those words, I was just

like,

"What?" So, literally for 24 hours, they

put me in my own little room,

and I I felt every single thing that was

done to me.

I was throwing [ __ ] I was screaming. I

was crying.

I felt like a shark had just [ __ ]

ripped through my leg. [clears throat]

And

yeah, like no my mom couldn't be in the

room. Like no one could be cuz I was

just screaming and crying and just

freaking out because like not only was

that traumatic enough having to like

have my leg chopped off, but then to

have to

really feel what was just done to me

and have like have to actually just

deal with it was on another level.

And that's something like a lot of

people don't know, but

that was really crazy.

It's just unimaginable. It's just like

You You've used the word God quite a few

times. Mhm.

Were you religious before this happened?

And are you religious Are you still

religious now? Yeah, I definitely I

definitely was

I mean, I'm not like

you know,

I just I believe in a higher power. I

believe I believe in God. I believe

that,

you know, there's something definitely

directing my steps. Like I would not be

here if

there wasn't There's no way I would be

alive if there wasn't a purpose for my

life. And there is definitely obviously

now I I can say that, but like going

through all of that, um

I think there definitely was a moment

when I was pissed at God and didn't

understand why this had happened.

Um

but

I know that in the process of like

going through depression and suicide and

and even having those thoughts,

every morning when I'd get in the shower

and I'd have to get on like a little

stool in the shower. I'd wheel myself to

the shower, which is another thing. I

was in a wheelchair for 8 months, which

is

crazy. Um

and my foot My left foot was still

questionable. I didn't have the right

leg, but that's kind of just where I was

after I left the hospital. But every day

I would wheel myself into the shower,

get myself on a stool, and just [ __ ]

scream and cry and just yell at God. And

wanting to like think about ways I could

kill myself and my life that day.

And every day that I did that, something

inside of me was like, "Just hold on."

There was something that just like

in my in my soul was like, "Just hold

on."

And

I mean, it all makes sense now, but

for those moments, it was definitely

like

hard.

Just hold on. Mhm.

Yeah. And I And trusting the process,

and trusting and believing that like,

you know, this madness is just

temporary.

And this is

It'll all just make sense. Just Just

hold on, kid. Just like

don't don't don't pull the trigger.

And you you seriously considered that

during those times?

I mean, obviously not pulling a trigger.

I didn't have a gun. But if I did have

access to one, I'm sure I probably

wouldn't be here.

I It was It was to that extent of like

every day

you know, waking up and just couldn't

even believe or even know how in the

hell I got to where I was.

You know, 200 lbs, head shaved, one leg,

another leg that's questionable.

Um just the excruciating pain that I was

in.

And just life continuously moving,

right? Everything's happening and I'm

just having to stand still, sit still,

and and be present with this nothingness

but just darkness. And

it was my mom and I and my little

brother. And I [clears throat] just He

would be the first one coming home every

day.

And [clears throat] every time I thought

about killing myself, I always thought

like

he would be the first one to find me.

And

and obviously my mom, too, but like not

having them have to live with that for

the rest of their life.

I think really was like I couldn't do

that.

So.

Obviously, it never happened, but it was

it was for sure

an every moment thought.

Especially like

[snorts]

and just being in so much pain and like

having every part of yourself removed.

Sorry, I don't know

why I'm crying, but

[snorts]

yeah.

When I hear your story, I it you know,

and this is I think why I asked the

question about faith in God is it feels

just like the deepest injustice.

Mhm. You know, it feels just like such a

deep injustice and it feels that for for

that to happen to you

it my my head just goes, you know, like

like how is this how is this fair?

And then to hear the suffering that you

endured from then after I just I just

can't understand a world where someone

puts a a tampon in and then they have to

endure such suffering.

And it just it's hard to make sense of

like even for me hearing it I just can't

make sense of a world where that that

could happen to someone.

What what what are what are your

thoughts at that moment about this point

of injustice? Are you feeling a sense of

injustice? Are you asking yourself the

questions?

I think back then I was so

concerned with every moment and

surviving every moment and trying to

just live.

Um that I didn't really think of

how [ __ ] up this is.

That you know, I I'm doing a a

documentary and so I have like 90 hours

of

footage that was

filmed during this whole process because

I was going to die because of damages,

because of the reality of just

documenting

everything that I had to go through and

the trauma of it all.

Um

And when I look back and I and I see

myself my my 24-year-old self especially

in that state

it's really sad because I'm like I was

so innocent and I was so young and I had

this

entire life and journey ahead of me and

it was like

how did I deserve that?

Just

crazy. Like I didn't do anything wrong.

I was using the product as I should. I I

did everything I was supposed to

and you know

it's just crazy that that is so powerful

and toxic.

And it's and and and again, it's almost

sad because again, I'm the lucky one.

That I'm here being able to speak about

this.

Um but there are so many women that

you'll never see

you'll never hear their stories, you'll

never see their faces, you'll never hear

the trauma they experienced because

they're no longer here.

And so it's my duty to

A share my story, but B inform the world

that this is

this is

inhumane.

And it's just it could easily be

prevented.

But again, it's greed, it's it's cost

efficiency, it's money.

You know, it's um you know, I always say

in my interviews, if men's dicks were

falling off tomorrow,

that wouldn't happen.

So why is it women are having to fight

for everything? Let alone what we do

with our bodies, let alone with the

products that we are given

for something that we are just naturally

having to do every month for a

40-something years.

You know?

Why are we not a priority? Like why are

we not

protected and upheld to the stature of

of men? We're we're we're 50% of the the

population.

And also, we make life. We create life.

It just seems so crazy to me.

But again, we're in 2023 and and

those men are still making decisions

about what women do with their bodies

and their choices on on how they,

you know,

approach what they want to do with

themselves and their lives. It's it's

crazy.

You come out of hospital, you're in your

wheelchair bound for 8 months. Um you're

you're you're living at home at this

point? Yeah.

With your mom mom and the

mom and my brother, yeah.

What impact does it have on your

brother? He's He's 10 years younger than

you, so he's what, a 14, 15-year-old

kid.

Um he is now first hand

He's He's got a first sort of person

perspective to real trauma and suffering

in someone he loves. And at 14, you

know, uh

I can't even imagine. I mean, I think

that's also why there's a lot of

um

I think it's hard. I've realized in my

situation that everyone that was with me

in those moments,

it was so heavy and dark for such a long

period of time. Again, like you said

prior, it's not just about me going

through the situation. It's It affects

every single person. It's like a domino

effect. And everyone's going to deal

with it differently.

Um and a lot of people, especially then

being so young,

you know,

just have to go through even that with

me, not even experiencing first hand,

was traumatic. Mhm.

You know, so let alone my 14,

15-year-old brother who's having to see,

you know, their sister in this state,

you know, and then having to be so

depressed and so angry and

just pushing and

punching everything away from me as far

as I could because I didn't want to be

here anymore.

And him having to experience that, I'm

sure has taken a toll.

And it makes me sad because it's it's

It's just This whole thing is is is just

so dark and

it just goes back to, yeah, it just

affects everyone differently. And And

I'm lucky that I've been able to get to

this place because

you know, I've I've done a lot of the

work. I've had to actually sit with

myself and deal with it, but

it's hard to go there. It's hard to to

dig deep and to have to face

the reality of of what you faced,

especially in those moments.

And who knows when that will be and if

that will ever be, but

you know. What for those you mean for

those around you? Yeah.

They'll also go sit and do the work.

Yeah, and like I think too it's like to

see me in such a place now where I'm

okay. I think a lot of people forget

like

that I that I went through that too.

Like they just see me now and like

everything's great, but and I see myself

now and everything's great, but again I

I'm at a different place when

a lot of people still have to maybe sit

with the things that I maybe wasn't

aware of or

I was in a coma or what you know, the

decisions and and the talks that were

happened when

you know, it was

it was

crucial

to my well-being and to even if I was

going to survive or not.

When when you came out of hospital and

you spent your the next 8 months in a

wheelchair in real pain Mhm. um

depressed Mhm, very.

What were your prospects for life in

your own from your own perspective? What

were you thinking your life was if you

thought about the future if at all?

What was the future for you

in those moments?

have one.

I I definitely

I think that's also why I was so

suicidal is because I had this life, you

know, I had everything at my fingertips.

I was able to do everything and

anything. Um and there were so many

goals that I wanted to achieve and to to

I just wanted to live my life. I just

thought like

I just had so many hopes and dreams that

in that moment of like sitting in my my

my darkest room because I didn't want to

see the world. I had it like completely

blacked out.

Um and I had to sit with myself and like

seeing myself

in a wheelchair. I mean people who are

in wheelchairs are my heroes because I

don't know how they face a world that's

not meant for them. It's hard. It's so

hard to go

outside and to go and just do the

simplest things and to maybe looked at

differently.

Um just things that we as people who are

able to just be able-bodied or have

prosthetics or move or or whatever, how

that challenges them.

You know, and then face the world that

kind of just looks at them and and kind

of doesn't in a way. It's it's hard.

Like I don't think if I had to be in a

wheelchair would I be that strong

mentally.

It takes a a really strong person

mentally to be

to live that type of life and and I

hold the utmost respect for anyone that

has to live in a wheelchair or be in a

wheelchair because you're [ __ ] a

rockstar and so strong.

And for those 8 months I was just like

there's no way I can live my life like

this. There's no way I can

It's just not accessible. The world is

not accessible.

I learned that. It's just not.

And it's it's

And then you're just looked down upon.

Which is just crazy because

you're really so strong

to have to, you know,

just face the world every day. What is

that like? You said you looked down

upon.

What did you learn about the way that

people in wheelchairs are are viewed?

people with disabilities in general, I

think it's just like there's just like

stigma of

incapable.

Because you maybe look a certain way or

because you're confined in a certain

space or

the world is not built for that. The

world is is built for

you know, running, walk, stairs, you

know,

a shower even. Just step like people

forget that there are people who can't

do those things. And they're a lot of

time left out.

And

and in those moments I've learned that

because I've faced it myself.

I think in my journey it's interesting

because like I've had to face so many

different

parts of life and lived so many lives

for maybe short about of time, but at

least in those moments I've been able to

relate and to live with maybe some

something that someone does have to live

with forever.

And how strong you have to be and what

it takes every day to face the world.

You know, that isn't really made for you

or accepting of you or

you know, just because you you look a

certain way, you're immediately judged

or or just seen as you can't do it and

that's not true.

Were you going outside during that 8

months?

Barely.

I hid myself. I I didn't even like

um

yeah, maybe just like

somewhat get my dog outside. My mom

would kind of forced me, but

I wouldn't. I would just definitely want

to stay in my own little world as dark

as possible and just hide. As dark as

possible?

Yeah, because I didn't I I didn't want

to see the outside because I couldn't go

outside. Like I used to look at people

with legs and and be so pissed because

I'm like, why do they have their legs

and I don't?

Because you're so depressed and so like

just in this zone of like you don't want

to live anymore, let alone like you're

angry at the world because

just of life because you can't live it

the way that you used to.

And

yeah, you just you just it was just a

really dark time of trying to figure out

again

why am I here? What am I doing?

Is there a place for me? I I didn't

think I'd ever be accepted by the

modeling world at all, let alone looked

at.

Let alone find love.

Genuine love.

Um I

Again, I didn't even think of life. I

just thought of how can I get out of

this misery?

And that's why I was like just

contemplating suicide daily.

Every day I was just like, "How can I do

this?"

It's It's really um It's really

It's really just really hard to think

about when you see no light at the end

of the the tunnel for such a long period

of time. Like, there's never been been

through hard things in my life, but I've

There's always been a glimmer of light

even at the end of the tunnel.

And to be in a situation where you're

waking up every day

and there is no light at the end of the

tunnel as far as you can see.

But, carrying on regardless.

Well, also my my foot was questionable.

So, I'm having to go to wound care.

[snorts]

I'm having to go to hyperbaric every

day. My whole entire world

shattered and I'm just sitting there

with the pieces and then I'm just in

excruciating pain. I mean, the pain that

I

lived with for even 7 years before I

made the decision to amputate my my

second leg, I had Because I was so

young, my body was overproducing so much

calcium that my bones, even though I

didn't have toes anymore, my bones were

literally protruding out my skin, like

pushing and trying to basically

fix the damage

by like growing new toes, but it's

impossible.

So, I would have to go in and they would

have to amputate that. So, I'd have to

get my that cut out of me as well.

I had to do the that surgery twice.

I'd have to go to wound care every

every Monday, every other Monday, um

because my heel was so badly damaged

that again, like I told you with the

skin, there's no skin on this planet

that's strong enough. So, I had to do

apple grafts, which is which is

basically baby foreskin.

Um because that's the only skin that's

tough enough.

And they did two transplants of that on

my heel and then hyperbaric to try to

get, you know, everything to kind of

come together. But, even doing that, I

would my sweat glands were really

damaged. So, I would sweat and then the

they would just kind of

get really hard and stay there and I'd

have to surgically get them removed

every Monday.

And I was just like in so much pain

because there was no fat pads even on on

the bottom of my where the toes would

be. So, I'm just on bone. So, every time

I'm stepping, I'm just like it's just

excruciating pain.

It just felt like um you know when you

have a toothache? Mhm. It's like that

consistent

throbbing pain that you can't get rid of

obviously until you go to the dentist,

but that was something that I lived with

for 7 years.

It's crazy.

I don't know how I did it.

But I just thought that I had my whole

leg and I just I'm I'm that type of

person that needs to exhaust all of my

options before I make

a decision and that's something that I

just had to do.

But in a way I wish I would have taken

my Godfather's

advice in that moment of being like just

take them both because yeah, I can sit

here now and say that that probably

would have been the best answer, but

what if I survived and not killed

myself? I don't know.

But I think gradually doing one and

learning how to live and to

adapt and you know,

just how to have a prosthetic in general

and to all the capabilities and things I

can do, I had to kind of learn as a slow

process in a way I think.

That was my life for 7 years. I don't

know how I did it.

How did you do it?

I did it my face, also knowing that I

have this purpose that I have to, you

know, scream out in the highest mountain

that I possibly can find and yell and

and get people to pay attention and

I think realizing that I'm just the

lucky one really gives me the fight for

these next generations to come to not

allow this to ever happen again to

another soul

and to hopefully change the world to

where that this is not an issue anymore.

And it may take my entire life, but that

is my purpose. Quick one before we get

back to this episode. Just give me 30

seconds of your time.

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Thank you. Thank you so much. Back to

the episode. Did you get therapy during

that period, those eight months? Was

there any sort of psychological support?

Yeah, definitely. I had a lot of that.

Um

and it's interesting because during that

process, obviously it was I was so dark

and so

just not wanting to be here, but the one

consistent thing, which is the irony of

it all, is like

my grandpa telling me about the um the

veterans that that come back and and all

this stuff and just me being like, "No,

no, no, I I don't understand that. I

don't understand that comparison."

Then my therapist at the time was

working at the VA and she was like, "You

know what? You should really come talk

to some of these guys and see,

you know, how how they're living their

lives." And I was just like, "No, this

is not the same." Cut to

my prosthetic guy, Peter Harsh, who's

incredible. He's down in San Diego.

He's an angel. Like he's

just the best at what he does.

Who is he? His name's Peter Harsh. What

does he do?

Uh he's my prosthetist. Prosthetist? Um

but he's like the best in the world and

literally an angel. I got recommended to

go down to him because I'm an athlete,

and I, you know, I'm young and I'm

active, and I want to live my life, and

so he would be setting me up for that

lifestyle that I would want, and he's

the guy to see. So, I got recommended to

go to him, but in that time period of

having to sit kind of like like this,

but around a table and his office or his

facility,

he's dealing with a lot of the veterans,

and he's the one that gets them and

fights the VA to get them

taken care of. And it's just so

interesting that I've had to sit in this

chair amongst all of these amazing

individuals,

and hearing their stories and learning

about the fight and and just

the resilience of them, and finally

seeing what everyone was kind of saying

as far as the comparison, or like you

are just like them,

and me never understanding, but the

common denominator when I look around

the room is

we didn't kill ourselves.

We are alive. We chose to live.

And we all had that moment in our

journeys, however we lost our legs,

to want to give up, to want to pull the

trigger, to want to end it all.

And we fought to be in that chair, and

that was like

it just came so first full circle for

me.

And it was just like this beautiful kind

of like aha moment of like

roll with the punches of life,

regardless of how they come at you. It's

It's about, you know,

how you react to it.

What's your choice going to be?

And to know that we all made that choice

is like,

you know,

incredible. No an easy choice to make,

there is it? That acceptance you

describe.

No.

I think that's kind of That's kind of

what I'm I'm really I'm really curious

about is the journey one goes on where

they at first they try and fight the

thing that's happened to them, And then

that whole contemplation around the

injustice, why me, this was preventable,

this is unfair. You're looking out your

window you said and seeing people with

legs and I read that you were even

annoyed at the sunshine. Mhm. Um, you go

through that chapter which is

it's a real it's a conflict, right? It's

a conflict with oneself and the nature

of what's happened and then at some

point you arrive over this other side

where

you use the word acceptance. You kind of

accept it and you make as you said a

choice. You realize that there's a

choice you can make. Mhm. Um,

that whole journey because you know,

whether someone's had an amputation or

not, there's so many people in their

lives right now that are something's

happened to them. They're feeling that

sense of injustice. Um,

you know, they're going through the

motions of blame or or guilt or whatever

it might be to try and understand how it

was avoidable, but

the journey from that place, the

conflict place to this acceptance,

what you know,

what does it take for us to get to

acceptance faster?

I guess is my question because

acceptance seems to be a much happier

place. I mean,

Time. Time.

Time.

You can't rush it.

You have no control over it.

And I think that's when

it's those moments when you have to sit

in it, sit with it,

feel it, feel every part of it,

and you have to figure out what are you

going to do with what you have and what

you've been given.

And you know,

I had to do that. I didn't have a

choice. I didn't want to be in a

wheelchair and I saw you know, my only

option was a prosthetic.

But how was I going to

you know, make it cool or make it me or

make it, you know, something that I

could feel like

all right, like

this is my my new self. This is my new

chapter. This is my new beginning. It

was more so like I needed to see it as a

challenge first because that's how my

mind operated of like, Lauren, you have

no other [ __ ] choice. You're either

going to

be depressed and kill yourself and end

it or you're going to get the [ __ ] up

and

figure out what you're going to have to

do to survive and live the best life

that you know you deserve.

And

it was just a slow process. Slow like I

wish I could put the fast forward and be

like what I know now I knew back then,

but it's impossible. I every part of my

journey and everything that I've been

through has gotten me to this place.

Every every part has shaped me and

molded me into who I am right now.

And a lot of that had to do with me

doing the work and processing and again

seeing that our physical beings is

nothing. Doesn't matter. [clears throat]

It's like a shiny object.

But you can be the most beautiful

person, but you can be the most sad

unfulfilled

ugly person, you know? I mean, it just

it doesn't mean anything. It's about

what you do on this planet, not just for

yourself, but for others.

How can you leave that impact?

You know? And that's kind of like how I

now live my life every day is because

again, everyone is is fighting something

every day. And a lot of those wounds you

can't see. It's mental. It's it's trauma

that you'll never speak about or talk

about or

whatever, but you are internally having

to deal with and face on a daily basis.

And

I think if anyone sees me

if I'm just getting out of my car, if

I'm walking to get coffee or

I'm laughing, I'm hanging, whatever you

see me on the cover of Google me,

whatever.

And you see

that I didn't just wake up and get here.

That I too had all of those feelings.

That depression, that state of mind of

not wanting to be here.

But not allowing that to define me and

to divine the future that I knew that I

could have for myself.

You got to see that even though things

were very small, those

those

big celebrations of

even just getting up the next day even

though you don't want to or you know,

facing something super hard or

pushing yourself out the door when you

don't want to or you know, not taking

the pills that are in front of you and

ending it.

That waking up the next day is a new day

that like you made it from that point.

So it's just about gradually building on

to that.

Every every little little challenge is a

success that you've overcome.

And it adds up over time and then soon

enough you'll be in a place where you're

like looking back and being like wow,

I did that.

And I think that's the beauty of like

life

and

the darkest times really mold us for the

people that we're supposed to be.

It's so incredible because you know,

we've everyone in their own lives feels

like they've overcome something, right?

And the degrees in which the mountains

that they've overcome are all different

sizes and that's why your your advice

there is

unbelievably important and powerful

because

it is

life advice for us all. It's not um

someone who has an amputation advice in

that I saw as you were speaking I saw

all of the struggles I've been through

in my life and the process, the things

you were saying about time,

a community, you meeting other people

that have been been through hardships

that you can relate to and that making

you feel like you belong and you're

understood and your plight is is um a

human plight. You're not you know,

broken or or or

or there's nothing wrong with you. This