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The "Happy Life" Scientist: How To FINALLY Beat Stress, Worry & Uncertainty! Dacher Keltner | E219

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The "Happy Life" Scientist: How To FINALLY Beat Stress, Worry & Uncertainty! Dacher Keltner | E219

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3015 segments

0:00

Life expectancy's been declining in the

0:02

last few years.

0:03

How do we reverse that trend?

0:04

These are the five safest things to do.

0:07

Dr. Dacher Keltner.

0:09

A renowned expert in the science of

0:11

human emotion.

0:12

Discovering ways on how we can improve

0:13

our happiness.

0:14

He's also the author of several books

0:16

including The Power Paradox.

0:18

I read just someone touching you can

0:20

make you live longer and be less

0:22

stressed. Is that true?

0:23

Yeah. There are all kinds of findings

0:25

that speak to this. You have premature

0:27

babies, they used to just put them in

0:29

these little units that warm them and

0:31

they would die. And then they figured

0:32

out they needed skin-to-skin contact

0:34

like you need food and they live. They

0:36

gain 47% weight gain. You know, the

0:38

deepest craving we have is to be

0:40

appreciated by other people.

0:42

If you want to be happy, practice

0:44

compassion. And if you want others to be

0:46

happy, practice compassion. If I am kind

0:49

to you, my act of kindness makes you

0:52

more kind downstream. And then that

0:54

person you've helped actually is kinder

0:56

to another person.

0:57

And they've proven that before?

0:58

Yeah. So like karma is a very real

1:00

thing.

1:00

It's very real. That'll save 8-10 years

1:02

of life. You've got to find a few

1:04

moments just to be kind.

1:06

Are we worse people the richer and more

1:09

powerful we become?

1:10

Yeah. So we've actually done

1:11

experiments, right? You know, it's a

1:13

movie about a child with cancer and

1:15

poorer people show activation of vagus

1:18

nerve which is part of compassion.

1:19

Well-to-do people, less activation. The

1:21

wealthier you are, the more you navigate

1:23

it for

1:24

serious economic policies that hurt the

1:26

poor.

1:26

Jesus.

1:26

And this is where it gets really

1:27

worrisome.

1:31

I just want to start this episode with a

1:33

message of thanks. A thank you to

1:35

everybody that tunes in to listen to

1:36

this podcast. By doing so, you've

1:38

enabled me to live out my dream but also

1:41

for many members of our team to live out

1:43

their dreams too. It's one of the

1:44

greatest privileges I could never have

1:46

dreamed of or imagined in my life to get

1:47

to do this, to get to learn from these

1:49

people, to get to have these

1:50

conversations, to get to interrogate

1:52

them from a very selfish perspective

1:53

trying to solve problems I have in my

1:55

life. So I feel like I owe you a huge

1:57

thank you for being here and for

1:59

listening to these episodes and for

2:00

making this platform what it is. Can I

2:01

ask you a favor?

2:03

I can't tell you how much um you can

2:05

change the course of this podcast, the

2:07

the course of the guests we're able to

2:09

invite to the show, and to the course of

2:11

everything that we do here just by doing

2:12

one simple thing. And that simple thing

2:14

is hitting that subscribe button. Helps

2:16

this channel more than I could ever

2:17

explain. The guests on this platform are

2:20

incredible because so many of you have

2:21

hit that button. And I know when we

2:24

think about what we want to do together

2:25

over the next year on this show, a lot

2:27

of it is going to be fueled by the

2:29

amount of you that are subscribed and

2:30

that tune into this show every week. So,

2:32

thank you. Let's keep doing this, and I

2:34

can't wait to see what this year brings

2:35

for this show, for us as a community,

2:38

and for this platform.

2:46

Dacher,

2:48

could you start by giving me your

2:51

professional

2:53

academic resume?

2:55

Uh

2:56

well, well, that it begins early with my

2:58

parents who were, you know, very

3:01

important in my education and my

3:02

formation. So, my dad is a visual artist

3:04

and my mom taught literature and poetry

3:07

and romanticism and got me interested

3:08

in,

3:10

you know, all ki- all kinds of things

3:11

about the human mind. Um

3:13

and then I was at UC Santa Barbara as an

3:14

undergraduate. Uh and then went to

3:16

Stanford for PhD.

3:18

Subsequent to that, worked with Paul

3:20

Ekman as a postdoc, who's

3:22

kind of a pioneer in the study of facial

3:24

expression. Uh

3:25

and inspiration for the show Lie to Me.

3:28

Uh and then became a professor.

3:30

Uh Wisconsin,

3:32

uh and then UC Berkeley for

3:34

27 years and

3:36

helped run the Greater Good Science

3:38

Center, which is about disseminating

3:41

kind of the new knowledge of meditation

3:43

and compassion and stress to

3:46

uh

3:46

a broad audience. And um have taught at

3:49

Berkeley,

3:51

which I love, for 27 years.

3:53

You referenced there the Greater Good

3:54

Science Center.

3:55

Yeah.

3:56

What's the What's the mission of the

3:57

Greater Good Science Center?

3:58

Yeah, thanks for asking. You know, um 20

4:00

years ago

4:02

uh post 9/11, um you know, we were in a

4:04

world much like post-Trump and uh Boris

4:08

Johnson and others, you know, like are

4:09

we are we fragmented? What happened to

4:12

humanity?

4:14

Um what happened to community?

4:16

Um why are um life expectancies in the

4:19

United States dropping the last 2 years?

4:21

What's going on, right?

4:23

that.

4:23

Yeah, striking, right? Really

4:25

disturbing. Um

4:27

and we had the conviction and there was

4:29

this new science of things like

4:32

if you have strong social ties, it adds

4:34

10 years of life expectancy to your

4:35

life, right? If you practice kindness,

4:40

um it quiets down the threat regions of

4:42

the brain.

4:43

And so we at Berkeley

4:46

in partnership with the journalism

4:47

school kind of had the sense early like

4:50

if we can get this knowledge out, right?

4:52

In actionable

4:54

prose where you read it and you say,

4:57

"Oh, I could teach breathing to my

4:59

my medical team or I could teach an awe

5:02

walk to my neighborhood friends. Uh that

5:05

would be good for the world, you know?

5:07

Um

5:07

I'm I'm super compelled by that.

5:08

Thank you.

5:09

The Greater Good Science Center. Can you

5:10

Let's talk about some of the things that

5:11

you've you've given away in terms of

5:13

knowledge.

5:14

Yeah.

5:14

And some of the sort of discoveries that

5:15

I think would surprise most people. You

5:17

mentioned some of them in passing there.

5:19

Yeah.

5:19

About breathing and awe walks and um how

5:23

you can add 10 years to your life.

5:25

Yeah.

5:25

What Give me some of the top-line um

5:27

more detail on some of those top-line

5:28

findings.

5:30

This really comes into focus for me,

5:32

Stephen, when I speak to medical

5:33

audiences. I do a lot of work with

5:35

health care providers. Um you know,

5:37

teaching medical doctors, residents,

5:40

uh helping programmatically with

5:43

kind of the spirit of hospitals and the

5:45

like. Um I talk about uh awe, that the

5:49

feeling of awe

5:51

um reduces activation in the

5:54

inflammation system in your immune

5:56

system. Your immune system is all these

5:58

cells distributed throughout your body

6:00

that helps you

6:01

protect against

6:03

dangerous elements on the outside,

6:04

viruses and bacteria. And the feeling of

6:07

awe

6:08

sort of reduces the activation of the

6:10

cytokine system, which heats up your

6:12

body. And if your body is always hot,

6:14

that is bad news for your heart. It's

6:16

bad news for your diabetes. And awe

6:19

helps moderate that.

6:22

I

6:24

you know, I teach the work on compassion

6:25

that, you know, 65-year-olds

6:28

who practice altruism and compassion

6:32

have greater life expectancy. Um, you

6:35

know, and and you can go on. Each of

6:36

these

6:37

what used to be thought of as kind of

6:39

new age soft things like awe or

6:43

compassion or breathing um benefit us.

6:46

You know, just simple breathing, if you

6:47

breathe in and out counting to four as

6:50

you breathe in, counting out to four,

6:53

actually increases neural density in the

6:56

this part of your brain, the prefrontal

6:57

cortex, which helps you handle stress.

7:00

What is awe for someone

7:01

Yeah, awe is just feeling an emotion you

7:04

have when you encounter something big or

7:07

vast that's outside of your frame of

7:09

reference right, of reality, that you

7:12

don't understand. That I I think I like

7:14

the word mystery.

7:15

Uh you know, wow, who I can't figure

7:18

this out. And and then that emotion of

7:20

awe stimulates wonder, right? Like, how

7:23

do I

7:24

why do peop- why do

7:26

rainbows exist? What you know, how are

7:29

they produced when water when light

7:31

bends through water molecules? So, it's

7:33

it's an emotion that drives wonder and

7:36

creativity.

7:37

What is the

7:39

um positive net impact on humans of

7:41

experiencing awe? Other than cuz when I

7:42

think of war I think of going to like

7:44

Machu Picchu and seeing those big

7:45

mountains and going what the hell is

7:46

this? This is insane. And I think of

7:48

that as being like a memory. Oh, that's

7:51

fun. That was amazing. I take the

7:53

picture, yeah, put it on my Instagram,

7:55

get the likes, go home.

7:57

Yeah.

7:57

But there's something deeper going on,

7:59

right? In one's physiology.

8:00

Yeah, thank you.

8:02

You know,

8:03

one of the fascinating things, Steven,

8:05

when you're, you know, is when you study

8:07

this complicated realm of emotion, is we

8:10

have these words that we all use to talk

8:14

about an emotion and they're much as we

8:16

have words about, you know, ethnic

8:18

categories or class categories. Oh, he's

8:20

lower class or he's

8:22

he's African-American. Those are just

8:24

words and concepts that may not capture

8:26

reality at all.

8:28

And awe

8:30

suffers from this, which is when people

8:31

talk about awe or they share it on

8:33

Instagram, they show they share the big

8:35

moments of like, I was at the Grand

8:36

Canyon or I was in the Lake District or

8:39

by this cathedral.

8:41

Um, but in point of fact, you know,

8:43

there are a lot of ways in which we feel

8:45

awe

8:47

all the time, right?

8:49

Uh, encountering somebody who's really

8:50

kind in the streets. You're like, "Wow,

8:52

that was really generous."

8:54

So, yesterday on the train, the team

8:56

were coming up to Manchester where I was

8:57

speaking

8:58

and an an elderly lady overheard them

9:00

saying that they were going to climb a

9:01

mountain for charity. The elderly lady

9:04

got up, walked over, gave them £5 and

9:06

said, "I climbed that once. Here's £5.

9:07

Put it towards the the charity."

9:09

Mhm.

9:09

And for all of us, it went into our like

9:11

company chat that that had happened. It

9:13

was a real moment of like an affirmation

9:15

of what it is to be a human and

9:17

kindness, I guess.

9:18

Yeah. And what's stunning to me, and

9:20

this is a a digression, is your story

9:21

just gave me the chills. And that's

9:24

amazing.

9:24

It's incredible, isn't it?

9:25

It is incredible that I wasn't there.

9:27

I've just got the chills myself. Just

9:29

Just you saying you had the chills has

9:31

just given me the chills.

9:31

It's amazing. And that we don't

9:33

understand scientifically the contagious

9:35

power of chills and awe. but you know,

9:38

awe

9:39

it it it's not the stereotype that we

9:42

are led to understand or think about

9:44

with words, it's around us all the time,

9:46

right? The generosity in the train, the

9:48

beautiful clouds, a piece of music, a

9:51

visual design, you know, driving here to

9:52

your studio, all the incredible design

9:55

of London, it's around us.

9:57

Um and so it's there every day and you

9:59

know, Stephen, I

10:01

I'm not a

10:03

I don't know why this happened to me,

10:04

but I've taught happiness to hundreds of

10:06

thousands of people online and in

10:08

classes and the like. I was a grouchy

10:10

kid, stressed out most of my life,

10:13

terrible meditator, but I was forced

10:15

into this job, and you know, serving the

10:17

science of happiness we've been talking

10:19

about, man, 2 minutes of awe

10:23

every other day

10:24

is about as good for you as anything you

10:26

can do, you know, it calms stress, calms

10:29

stress regions of your brain,

10:31

talked about inflammation, it reduces

10:32

inflammation, activates the vagus nerve,

10:35

which is this bundle of nerves that

10:37

wanders all throughout your body and

10:39

calms your heart rate, it's good for

10:41

digestion, so

10:43

you know, it's good news for the human

10:45

psyche. And when we talk about

10:48

giving a little stressed out

10:50

12-year-old, young 12-year-old some awe

10:53

each moment in a classroom,

10:55

we know that's really good for health

10:57

and creativity. So,

10:59

it it's good news in terms of what it

11:02

can bring to us.

11:03

Talk to me about some some science then

11:05

and that supports that um assertion

11:09

where

11:09

Yeah.

11:09

the science shows that everyday awe, so

11:12

like accessible awe.

11:13

Yeah.

11:13

The awe that I could go get out in the

11:14

street or that I could actively go

11:16

practice after listening to this

11:18

conversation has proven to have a

11:20

positive physiological impact on humans

11:23

or their emotions or their behavior.

11:25

Yeah.

11:26

Yeah, you know, this was one of the most

11:28

exciting developments of the science of

11:29

awe.

11:30

Um

11:32

when we started to get this picture of

11:33

the health benefits of awe, less stress,

11:35

a sense of time, reduce loneliness,

11:39

right? Loneliness,

11:41

40% of people in globalized cultures

11:43

feel lonely, right? That is hard on the

11:46

body.

11:47

We started to think about awe

11:49

interventions. Um and, you know, one of

11:52

my favorites uh

11:54

that has compelling health data, if you

11:56

will, is

11:58

um

11:59

a lot of people go for regular walks.

12:01

The UK is famous for its its walking

12:04

traditions, you know, it's one of the

12:05

great cultural strengths, you know, just

12:07

paths and, you know, and walks and, you

12:10

know, and etc. and and uh so, we just

12:13

added one element to

12:15

people's regular walk

12:17

uh and we called it the awe walk, which

12:19

is when you go out,

12:23

pause, take some breathing, deep

12:25

breathing, get synced up with your

12:27

footsteps. This is a classic kind of

12:29

walking meditation approach. And then

12:32

look for awe, right? Look Take a moment

12:34

to look at small things, look at the

12:36

reflection on this cool mug, then pan

12:39

out and look at, you know, the vastness

12:42

of where you are, city or nature, up at

12:44

the sky. That was it, right? And that

12:47

gets you into this awe mindset and our

12:51

participants were 75 years old or older.

12:56

Um at that age, a lot of data suggests

12:59

you start getting more anxious and

13:01

depressed, right? Your people you love

13:04

are dying. Your body's falling apart.

13:06

You are facing your mortality. And the

13:09

awe walk over eight weeks, once a week,

13:12

compared to a really rigorous control

13:14

condition,

13:15

led our 75-years-old participants to

13:18

feel less distress,

13:20

less pain, and more awe and joy in their

13:24

lives. So, it's just this simple

13:26

addition to a daily walk, right? Um

13:30

listening to some music, do it more

13:31

intentionally.

13:32

And and a lot of the studies of awe

13:35

are really simple, you know, just watch

13:36

an awe video, share an awe story, which

13:38

you shared to me that just gave me the

13:40

goosebumps, you know? That goosebumps

13:42

is a register, it's these little muscles

13:45

around hair follicles that are part of

13:46

what are called what are called your

13:47

parasympathetic autonomic nervous

13:49

system, which calm you down. So, share

13:51

stories of awe. So, so there's a ton of

13:53

ways in which you can build more

13:55

everyday awe into your life.

13:56

What's the evolutionary basis for this?

13:59

Um

14:00

the

14:02

you know, in 1978, I think, Richard

14:05

Dawkins published Selfish Gene.

14:07

Mhm.

14:08

Massive book, right?

14:10

You know, if you read that, it's it the

14:12

argument which is true, is that we we

14:15

are the we have these genes that are

14:17

replicating themselves through us. We

14:19

are these machines that replicate genes,

14:21

right? Uh and all of our characteristics

14:24

are ways to do that. And and it's all

14:26

the language is very aggressive and

14:28

adversarial. These genes are competing

14:30

with these genes. I'm competing with

14:31

other people in the game of evolution.

14:34

And there's been this massive shift in

14:36

evolutionary thinking in the past 40

14:38

years, where

14:39

you know, we're just starting to

14:40

discover, you know, around the world,

14:43

people share 40 to 50% of a resource

14:47

with a stranger if asked, just like as a

14:49

default. That's our intuition. Um we

14:52

have neurophysiological systems like

14:54

oxytocin parts of the brain and the

14:56

vagus nerve, which help us sacrifice and

14:59

give. Um we readily

15:03

are contagious in our feelings. Your

15:05

story gave me the chills.

15:07

And then my chills bounced back to you

15:09

and you got the chills. So, we're united

15:10

and connected. And now, you know, it it

15:14

the thinking is we're very cooperative

15:16

alongside violent and rapacious and the

15:18

like and and collective. We're

15:21

hyper-collective.

15:23

Um we synchronize with each other

15:25

physiologically. We mimic each other. We

15:28

collaborate unlike any other primate.

15:30

We're We're That's just who we are. It's

15:33

probably our big strength.

15:34

Um I think because in part um

15:37

hyper-vulnerable offspring needed a lot

15:39

of care, right? To live.

15:42

Food scarcity, warming in the face of

15:44

cold. And we need emotions

15:48

and social practices that make us feel

15:50

like we're collective. And awe

15:53

is it. When You know, it's It's so

15:56

striking, Stephen. I don't know if

15:57

you've had an awe experience in nature

15:59

recently.

16:01

Just being outdoors.

16:02

Oh, yeah. I mean, yeah. So, I went to I

16:04

went to Bali in Indonesia to write my

16:06

book in Ubud. And that's one of the the

16:08

places where I mean, you're in a

16:10

a vast jungle. But also, when you

16:12

whenever you get to the top of a

16:13

mountain, you look out across the

16:14

jungle. And I remember one particular

16:16

moment looking out across the jungle,

16:17

stood on this platform that was

16:19

awe-inspiring.

16:20

Yeah.

16:21

Um but also, I It's quite weird that I

16:23

My My awe-inspiring experiences in that

16:25

country are always just being on the

16:26

moped and going through the countryside.

16:27

Yeah.

16:28

Because there's because it's this It

16:30

feels like the essence of nature.

16:32

There's something about I don't know

16:34

what it is. There's There's just

16:35

realness to it that makes me

16:37

feel like I'm at home.

16:38

Mhm.

16:39

It's hard to explain, but

16:40

And that's

16:41

feel like you're at home, right? And

16:44

it's striking. Think about it

16:45

conceptually like here I am on a a moped

16:48

in nature with you know, the

16:50

the ecosystem's kind of moving into my

16:53

body and my brain. And out of that comes

16:55

the concept I'm home.

16:57

And that's what awe does is it says I'm

16:59

part of this people, right?

17:01

The other time was actually last week. I

17:03

was at Soho Farmhouse, which is a sort

17:05

of like a

17:07

uh like a hotel village they've

17:09

constructed where you can go on the

17:10

weekends to be in nature. And it was

17:12

actually walking back to my cabin. I

17:14

looked up up for the first time. And

17:15

obviously, when you're in the

17:16

countryside, you get to see the stars.

17:18

In London, you don't have that luxury.

17:20

And I looked up and I saw the stars and

17:22

I started talk like having a mental

17:24

conversation about what that is, like

17:25

what I'm looking at. That is a I mean,

17:28

that one over there is a bigger than

17:30

planet Earth and it's I'm basically this

17:33

tiny little into seemingly insignificant

17:35

piece of irrelevant dust. And that made

17:38

me feel a sense of awe.

17:40

The feeling is really

17:42

because I am so small,

17:44

I am part of this bigger thing. Like

17:48

you know, when you don't look up and

17:49

when you're looking down, let's say,

17:51

figuratively,

17:53

there's a sort of an individualism,

17:55

whereas like it's it's me. I am I'm the

17:57

center of the universe. When you look

17:58

up, you realize that you are irrelevant,

18:01

but therefore also part of this greater

18:02

thing, I guess.

18:03

Yeah, thank you for bringing that up,

18:04

you know. And one of the simple

18:05

actionable things that were we've been

18:07

teaching at Greater Good, we we have a

18:08

practice on this is look at the sky.

18:10

Just like look up, take a minute. If you

18:12

ask the average citizen in a city like

18:15

London,

18:16

when's the last time you looked at the

18:17

sky? They're like

18:18

Yeah, I don't see it.

18:19

Yeah, and it's powerful. Yeah, the you

18:23

know, one of the paradoxical qualities

18:25

of awe and and is this

18:28

shift, this transformation in sense of

18:31

self that you're talking about and it's

18:34

profound, which is, you know, in the

18:37

in one of the early writing traditions

18:40

around awe, which is spiritual

18:41

journaling,

18:42

a lot of people, early accounts of awe

18:45

in the Bhagavad Gita and Julian of

18:47

Norwich and you know, the great

18:49

Christian writings, almost every

18:50

spiritual tradition, the Buddha, uh it's

18:53

this like, "God, I'm having this

18:55

ecstatic awe mystical experience. What's

18:57

it like?" And they write about the the

19:00

self just like vanishing, you know.

19:03

Um psychedelics has a rich tradition of

19:05

ego death in it. Carl Sagan, you know,

19:08

has this great statement about space

19:09

like yours, like "Man, when I think

19:12

about the universe

19:14

look at me, I'm just this

19:16

Yeah.

19:17

Yeah.

19:17

I'm a little speck of dust, you know?

19:19

But the self is huge in our minds.

19:21

Yeah.

19:22

And awe

19:24

quiets it. It puts it into perspective.

19:26

And what's striking, Stephen, which I

19:28

you know, it took us a long time to

19:29

figure this out scientifically, is

19:31

it actually feels liberating, you know?

19:34

Oh, it's the Do you know what? When I'm

19:35

stressed, I I remind myself of how

19:37

insignificant I am. Because stress is

19:39

often the like the um the like the fatal

19:43

decision to overestimate the

19:44

significance of your your your problems.

19:46

Like relative to you know, to whatever.

19:49

But the other day I was I was a little

19:51

bit um I was overthinking something a

19:53

lot, and I could feel myself getting a

19:54

little bit stressed. And

19:56

I rem- I reminded myself of looking down

19:59

on a plane

20:00

Yeah.

20:00

over a country, and just how irrelevant

20:01

I am in the grand scheme of things.

20:03

Because of Well, you know, I became a

20:05

dragon on the on Dragon's Den, and

20:07

the podcast became bigger. You know,

20:09

it's it's easy sometimes to fall into

20:11

the trap of when there's a lot of people

20:13

talking about you or writing about you

20:14

to to to think that this is the center

20:17

of the universe in some respect.

20:19

I'm leading a a movement of 2 million

20:21

people.

20:21

but whenever I go up in on a in a plane,

20:23

and I look down, I go nothing that I do

20:25

is really mat- matters in a good way.

20:27

Yeah.

20:27

It's funny cuz it's a paradox. It's like

20:30

I want to be empowered, and I want to

20:31

think that I matter.

20:32

Yeah.

20:32

But at the same time, I I I I like to

20:34

realize that I absolutely don't matter

20:36

in any respect. And I love saying this

20:37

to people because it you can see ego

20:40

square.

20:40

Yeah.

20:41

When you go When you put in context that

20:42

we are as an an individual

20:45

we absolutely don't matter. You know, in

20:47

the in the millions of whatever billions

20:49

of years that the universe has existed,

20:51

we are just this blink. And I'm just

20:53

this irrelevant speck of dust.

20:55

And once I'm gone, you know, give it

20:56

another million years, no one's even

20:57

going to remember.

20:58

Yeah.

20:59

Or whatever. Probably couple the couple

21:01

of years, but

21:02

But that's what's great about art and

21:03

the human mind, right? Is we we need the

21:05

ego and the self, and we need to

21:06

maximize our interests and desires and

21:08

reproductive possibilities etc. status,

21:10

you know, all that

21:12

obsessive stuff. But man, we have this

21:13

great realm of transcendence that awe is

21:17

part of that, you know, and in our

21:19

studies, you know, we we literally we

21:21

took students up to this tower on the UC

21:24

Berkeley campus. They got to look out at

21:27

the and they no longer felt stressed

21:29

about things. We had students look up

21:31

into trees and just admire these We have

21:33

a lot of tall trees on campus in I hope

21:36

you visit it sometime that are beautiful

21:38

and tall and make you feel like you

21:40

know, there we have redwood trees that

21:42

are a thousand years old, you know, that

21:44

oh,

21:45

this little moment of consciousness that

21:47

is so self-critical or

21:52

or stressed or or

21:54

ego maniacal is just a moment in time of

21:58

seven nine billion people.

22:00

It's you know, for me

22:02

personally it was liberating to find

22:04

this in awe like like you're saying like

22:07

this is all this is just one human's

22:09

effort. So.

22:11

Why did you write this book?

22:13

Of all the things you could have written

22:14

about, you're a very smart individual.

22:15

You've studied so many things relating

22:17

to sort of social sciences and how

22:19

humans behave and why we why we do what

22:21

we do, but to commit your life to

22:23

writing a book about this subject matter

22:25

Yeah.

22:26

is writing books is not easy.

22:28

Yeah.

22:28

Takes a long time, a lot of effort. You

22:29

have to promote them etc. Why this book?

22:32

And why now?

22:33

Yeah.

22:35

Thank you for asking that. Um

22:38

Yeah, you know,

22:40

um

22:40

it is hard to write books and we had

22:43

done a lot of research on awe and

22:46

you know, one of the reasons I wrote the

22:48

book was

22:50

um

22:51

you know, I'm now at an age where I've

22:53

been following how we're doing as

22:55

cultures and

22:56

and a lot of the things that have

22:58

surfaced here, Stephen, are true. Like,

23:00

you know,

23:01

people feel lonely, they feel

23:04

um um

23:06

adrift. They're searching They're

23:08

searching for something more meaningful

23:11

than

23:13

elevating a paycheck. And And I felt

23:15

that awe was part of that story.

23:17

That awe gets us to what is meaningful

23:19

to us as individuals at a moment in

23:21

history.

23:22

Um and then

23:24

uh my younger brother died. And he

23:28

um

23:29

he was He was born

23:32

uh I'm 1 year older.

23:34

We had this wild childhood, you know, of

23:36

like born in Mexico and

23:38

raised in the late '60s in Laurel

23:40

Canyon, a very experimental place,

23:42

wandering the foothills of the Sierras,

23:44

and

23:45

and uh

23:46

he was

23:48

my source of meaning in many ways in

23:50

life. Um

23:51

and he got colon cancer and died.

23:54

And it was brutal and horrifying. And at

23:56

the moment of his dying

23:58

uh the last night he uh sitting by his

24:01

bed

24:03

and um and he he was my moral compass in

24:06

life. You know, he really He was very

24:08

courageous.

24:10

Super kind. Uh really only cared about

24:12

like devoted his career to the least

24:16

uh resource kids in the country, these

24:18

poor poor kids. And um

24:20

when I was watching him die

24:22

uh I had an awe experience. I was like

24:27

you know, what is going on? He seems

24:30

really calm.

24:31

He's heading into a space I don't

24:33

understand. I saw like pulsating light,

24:37

you know, that was uniting everyone

24:39

around him in this sense of reverence

24:42

and

24:44

the sacredness of of his life. And uh

24:47

afterward um

24:49

I was uh knocked into a really profound

24:53

state of grief where um this is about 5

24:55

years ago.

24:56

Uh I couldn't make sense of the world.

24:59

You know, I could do my work. Um,

25:02

but I just didn't I was lost cuz he was

25:05

a very important voice to me.

25:08

You know, and I was waking up, wasn't

25:09

sleeping, panicky, and and I like a lot

25:12

of people in grief, I was like,

25:15

you know,

25:16

hallucinating. Like I would see him,

25:18

follow a guy in the streets, like, and

25:20

it wasn't him.

25:21

I'd wake up thinking he was there. I

25:23

felt his hand on my back a couple times.

25:26

And uh,

25:28

it was weird. I was I I had this

25:31

epiphany in this really bad state of

25:33

mind.

25:34

The worst I've ever felt, like,

25:36

um, I got to find awe again, you know, I

25:38

have to my brother,

25:41

you know, he and I went dancing and did

25:44

wild things and backpacking and, you

25:47

know, just live this life of awe. He was

25:49

my source and he was gone.

25:51

Um, and so I wrote the book, you know,

25:53

and I I dug in and

25:56

just started writing about him.

25:58

Uh, and he features prominently in the

25:59

book, you know, what he meant to me and

26:01

how I grieved his loss and then worked

26:05

up the science too.

26:06

So, in many ways, you know, what we're

26:09

observing in our our globalized culture

26:13

is is this

26:15

the problems of capitalism, the search

26:17

for meaning, the you know, rising the

26:20

reduced life expectancy US, rising

26:22

anxiety, depression.

26:24

And I was kind of in that state. You

26:26

know, suddenly like, "Wow, my career's

26:27

good, but

26:28

uh, you know." And so,

26:30

um, knowing a little bit about the

26:32

science, I was like, "I've got to do

26:33

this myself and go get it."

26:36

Did you find that awe again?

26:37

I did. It it it

26:39

it it took

26:41

a lot of work, you know, I was in a

26:43

really tough place and uh,

26:46

you know, I

26:48

um, I just was I just started anew,

26:51

like,

26:52

"Where do I find meaning? And I find

26:54

meaning working with prisoners.

26:57

I don't know why, you know, um but just,

27:00

you know, being in prisons,

27:01

volunteering, helping with a formerly

27:03

incarcerated.

27:05

I challenged myself to

27:08

find awe in places I wouldn't ordinarily

27:10

find it. Like just to open my mind,

27:12

like, "Woah, I'm at a symphony, you

27:15

know, I love African music and Sona

27:17

Jobarteh and, you know, and here I was

27:19

in the symphony not understanding it but

27:21

starting to feel it. Um you know,

27:23

nature's easy for me. I've always

27:24

backpacked and gone into the mountains.

27:27

I had a lot of spiritual conversations,

27:28

you know, of like, "I'm not a religious

27:30

person."

27:32

And I was like, "What is this? You know,

27:34

why why mystical awe?" So

27:36

and what it gave me, I think,

27:38

with respect to my brother's death, is

27:40

an openness, like

27:41

we don't know what life is. We don't

27:43

know where it goes. We don't, you know?

27:46

Uh and it opened my mind to a lot of new

27:48

sources of awe.

27:50

There's almost an injustice I heard in

27:52

that story because of the way you

27:54

characterized your your brother and his

27:56

behavior.

27:56

Yeah.

27:57

For him then to have

27:59

passed early from cancer

28:00

Yeah.

28:01

feels in many respects to me like the

28:02

opposite of awe or

28:05

you know, the universe being

28:06

uh

28:07

compassionate or fair or whatever. And

28:10

that

28:10

Yeah. Yeah. It hit me hard, you know, it

28:13

was uh

28:14

and that's well put. Like for the first

28:16

year,

28:18

you know, you you ask these questions,

28:20

like, "Why would a guy

28:22

who teaches speech therapy to the

28:23

poorest kids in the United States go and

28:26

is it with a teenage daughter and a

28:28

young family? Come on, you know, come

28:30

on." And Donald Trump is, you know,

28:33

indestructible and you're like, "The

28:35

world is [ __ ] you know." And and I

28:37

grappled with that

28:39

uh

28:40

very hard.

28:41

And then I was, as you well put, I was

28:45

in this antithesis

28:47

state of awe, I was like nothing meant

28:49

anything.

28:51

You know, it was all pointless.

28:53

I could sense nothing bigger about life

28:56

that mattered.

28:57

And that's why

28:59

you know, that's why I said, "All right.

29:02

I have this career that allows me to

29:05

do these investigations." And we're all

29:07

investigating. We're all

29:08

searching for these things in music or

29:12

moral beauty or being in collectives or

29:14

sports. And I just threw myself into it.

29:16

And And uh

29:18

And you know, frankly, um

29:21

it, you know, the idea of everyday awe,

29:24

which is very important in the book. We

29:25

can find it anywhere.

29:27

You know, on the train with the act of

29:28

generosity. That is now it just feels

29:31

alive all the time.

29:35

What What's kind of the three lines of

29:36

gratitude? Because when you were talking

29:37

about the old walk

29:39

Picked up the the this

29:41

um mug, the silver mug we have in front

29:43

of us.

29:43

Yeah. And you started admiring it. It

29:45

almost sounded a bit more like gratitude

29:46

to me.

29:47

Yeah.

29:47

And even the the the study where you had

29:49

the elderly um participants do the walk

29:52

and then sort of self-report I'm

29:53

guessing on how they felt.

29:54

Yeah.

29:54

It sounded like nature also gives us a

29:56

sense of sort of gratitude for our

29:58

lives, for the world we're living.

29:59

Yeah.

30:00

What's the distinction or difference if

30:01

there is one?

30:01

Yeah, what a terrific question. And

30:03

there's a

30:05

deep philosophical tradition um of David

30:08

David Hume, Scottish philosopher,

30:11

um Charles Darwin, uh Martha Nussbaum

30:14

more recently, a Chicago philosopher

30:15

that

30:16

we and it really animates a lot of this

30:19

conversation, the work I've done is like

30:21

we have these amazing emotions that are

30:23

like deep intuitions about the world

30:25

that are good for us and good for the

30:27

world. You know, compassion, take care

30:29

of people who are vulnerable. Awe, you

30:32

know, connect to others to face vast

30:34

mysteries. And gratitude, uh Adam Smith,

30:37

the great economist, felt like this is

30:39

the emotion that holds societies

30:41

together, gratitude. The feeling of

30:43

reverence

30:44

for things or like, "Wow, this is really

30:46

important and sacred."

30:48

of things that are given to you.

30:51

And that is key. Like, "Oh, my friend

30:54

helped me with my work. Um my work

30:57

colleague brought me lunch.

30:59

Um you know, my my child did the dishes

31:01

tonight." You know, "Whoa.

31:03

Um I feel grateful."

31:05

Gratitude, really close to awe as as you

31:09

intuit, but it tends to be different in

31:11

that awe tends to be about vaster

31:13

things. Like, you know,

31:16

uh you almost get into a car crash or

31:19

you get into a car crash, you almost

31:20

die, and you're like, "Ah, I'm just I

31:22

feel awestruck that I'm alive, you

31:24

know."

31:24

And then awe has more mystery

31:27

to it. You can't understand it.

31:29

Like music or

31:30

Right. Like music Yeah, exactly. You

31:32

know, music rushes into you

31:35

and you start crying, right? And you're

31:37

like, "Oh my god."

31:38

So, what's a recent experience of that

31:40

for you?

31:41

Of music?

31:42

Yeah.

31:42

Um it would be

31:44

Where you just start sobbing and, you

31:45

know, or not sobbing.

31:46

Oh, sobbing.

31:47

Or chills.

31:50

It would be We do this live show for

31:52

It's called the Driver Seat of Life, and

31:53

we toured the country last year. We did

31:55

three nights at the Palladium, then we

31:56

took it to all these theaters. And I'm

31:57

stood and there's a house gospel choir

32:00

of about 40 people behind me for the

32:02

whole 2 hours while I'm speaking.

32:03

Yeah.

32:04

And I mean, Jesus.

32:05

Yeah.

32:06

They sing a lot of like religious songs

32:08

as part of the the message that I'm

32:09

conveying. And I mean, every night I'm

32:12

you know, I'm crying. It's funny cuz I

32:13

rehearsed it. I rehearsed it. I

32:15

practiced I practiced it. But then with

32:18

the people there, the audience of 2,500

32:20

people and the choir there, I would cry

32:22

every night.

32:22

Yeah.

32:23

Which is bizarre which is strange,

32:24

right?

32:24

Isn't it striking?

32:25

It's a it's sense of connectedness,

32:26

maybe. I wonder why in the live show,

32:29

when there's thousands of people there,

32:30

then I feel the most intense emotions

32:32

Yeah.

32:33

versus when we're in rehearsals.

32:34

Yeah.

32:36

That's a complicated question. But your

32:38

examples tell us, you know, that you the

32:40

vastness of that experience of like,

32:42

"Wow, there are sound waves that I'm

32:43

producing

32:45

and that are moving bodies. I see this

32:46

pattern of movement, and I am part of

32:49

that." And as the poet Ross Gay says,

32:51

these boundaries between self and other

32:54

become very porous. You're like, "Whoa,

32:56

we're all one organism." That's awe,

32:59

vast, and and I don't understand why.

33:01

Gratitude is more, you know, you're at

33:03

the show and

33:04

you know, somebody looks you in the eye

33:06

and smiles and and you feel like they're

33:08

grateful for you. It has this more

33:10

readily understood economy to it almost

33:12

or um

33:14

and why, you know, in writing about awe,

33:18

um

33:19

the you know, there are some things that

33:21

are intuitive like, "Oh, nature makes us

33:23

feel awe." And people's moral beauty and

33:25

kindness, your story on the train.

33:28

But how in the world music

33:31

sound waves hits our ear, produces a a

33:35

neurochemistry in the brain, and the

33:37

next thing you know, you're crying, you

33:39

know, and feeling one.

33:41

That's amazing to me. And we still I

33:43

don't know if science will ever answer

33:45

it, you know, it's it's just the

33:47

transcendent power of music, and you're

33:48

lucky to share it.

33:49

Do you have any insight into the

33:51

positive impact that gratitude has on us

33:53

based on any sort of studies that have

33:54

been done?

33:55

It's huge. And you know, Stephen, like

33:58

when I following and teaching the

34:00

science of happiness literature for

34:02

25 years, you know, at UC Berkeley, I

34:04

started teaching a happiness course. I

34:06

think it was Harvard and us were the

34:08

first 25 years ago in tracking like,

34:11

"What are the What are the things you

34:12

can count on?" You know, and when I go

34:14

out and teach happiness, um it's very

34:17

humbling.

34:19

Like you asked me in some sense um a

34:22

related question to have a parent come

34:24

up to me

34:25

and say, "You know, my son is massively

34:27

depressed and suicidal. What do I do?"

34:30

You know, and obviously you go see a

34:31

therapist and you've considered

34:32

medication, but

34:33

the happiness literature can point to

34:35

like

34:36

these are the five

34:39

safest things to do. Social connection,

34:42

uh develop some way to

34:45

use your body to calm down, breathing,

34:47

yoga, sports, whatever. Uh and gratitude

34:51

is a winner. And I think awe is up there

34:52

now, too, but you know, gratitude, um

34:55

practicing gratitude

34:57

uh benefits the cardiovascular system.

35:00

It helps people who have heart heart

35:02

vulnerabilities.

35:04

Patients, they do better.

35:06

Uh it is uh very good for your place in

35:09

social networks. Like, I join a group.

35:13

I'm I'm worried. I'm socially anxious.

35:14

What do I do? Practice some gratitude,

35:17

you know, say thank you and uh show a

35:19

little appreciation to people. You will

35:20

have stronger social ties. Uh we did

35:23

research showing it's good for romantic

35:25

bonds, you know, the

35:27

if partners simply say on occasion,

35:30

like, "Hey, thanks for doing the

35:32

dishes." or "I appreciate how you the

35:35

jokes you tell." or "I love your music

35:37

selection." it helps, right? So, it's

35:39

it's

35:41

a safe bet for a happier life.

35:43

You know, this I've come to learn that

35:44

there's so many forces in our day-to-day

35:46

lives that act against gratitude and um

35:50

stifle its presence. But in the context

35:53

you've given there, whether it's in a

35:54

social group or at work or in a

35:56

relationship or even with yourself, I've

35:59

come to learn how important it is to not

36:02

rely on gratitude just showing up, but

36:05

to try and create a system for frequent

36:07

gratitude. Now, one of the things that's

36:09

been a real unlock for me, my companies

36:13

over the last couple of years, is in

36:15

every company that I run,

36:17

we have a gratitude chat. Yeah. So, it's

36:20

just a channel Yeah. And it's open.

36:22

There's really no instruction, but it's

36:24

funny that we we we created the channel

36:27

first at Social Chain and then in my

36:28

current companies

36:30

and when you just create the channel,

36:31

what happens is gratitude pours in.

36:33

Yeah. So, today there'll be I I can

36:35

guarantee at some point today there'll

36:37

be a message in there that says, "Thank

36:38

you so much, Ross, for going and getting

36:40

me that cup of coffee um that I didn't

36:43

ask for, but you knew that I needed it

36:45

or whatever." Or, "Thank you, Jack, for

36:46

helping me lift that box upstairs." And

36:48

it pours in and and it's such a simple

36:50

thing to do, yeah, but it creates this

36:52

insane um

36:56

um

36:57

hard to understand amount of like

37:00

connectiveness

37:01

and appreciation. And I imagine for the

37:04

individual on the receiving end of the

37:05

gratitude

37:06

um

37:08

a sense of like worthiness or or

37:10

respect

37:11

respect or

37:12

Come on, yeah.

37:12

And it's such a small thing to do

37:14

It is.

37:14

that I think every company should

37:15

consider, which is having a a system to

37:18

move gratitude friction free across your

37:20

organization.

37:21

Yeah.

37:22

To back bind it together. But in your

37:23

personal in your relationship, the same

37:24

thing.

37:25

Yeah.

37:25

Like you can rely on it being a you

37:27

know, your partner helping you with the

37:28

bags or helping you with your packing or

37:30

whatever. But it would it's great to

37:33

also in a relationship have a a system

37:34

for

37:35

Yeah.

37:36

gratitude.

37:36

And what I love about your system,

37:37

Steven, you know, I've taught gratitude

37:40

in a lot of organizational contexts and

37:42

sometimes people force it like, you

37:43

know, "Okay, let's see what we're

37:44

grateful to

37:46

for each person in the in this you know,

37:47

this meeting." And it's like, "Oh god,

37:49

you know, that's tricky." But to allow

37:52

it to be spontaneous and intuitive like

37:54

you did, right? And let it flow. That's

37:56

that's the strong

37:58

source and and manifestation of

37:59

gratitude. And it reminds us, you know,

38:02

in Western European thinking, probably

38:04

largely Western European male thinking

38:07

has been so hostile to emotion.

38:09

Uh this is what I was saying when I said

38:11

there's so many forces acting against

38:12

it.

38:13

Yeah, and it's just like

38:15

why would you ever say thank you? It

38:16

makes you weak. It makes you vulnerable

38:18

and the like, etc. Um but

38:21

there are a lot of great thinkers from

38:23

David Hume, Adam Smith, Charles Darwin,

38:25

you know, early a lot of the East Asian,

38:28

you know, contemplative philosophies

38:29

like

38:30

our best human tendencies come out of

38:33

emotions of gratitude and express them.

38:36

Um, and and I think that your example

38:38

speaks to sort of a a big shift

38:41

culturally and

38:43

what do we do with these emotions at

38:44

work? They're really vital to our sense

38:48

of connectivity and community.

38:51

Makes me think a lot about

38:52

relationships. And I know this is

38:53

something you've written about

38:54

extensively. The the role that romantic

38:57

relationship plays in health outcomes,

38:59

etc., etc. But then I also was I was

39:02

pondering this idea of monogamy broadly.

39:04

Yeah. Whether So, my kind of question is

39:06

kind of two-fold is are we meant to be

39:09

monogamous? Yeah.

39:11

And also

39:14

this I'm thinking a lot about how the

39:16

relationship dynamics in monogamy is

39:18

changing in some in some ways eroding.

39:20

Yeah.

39:21

I was reading some stats around marriage

39:22

and how people are getting married less

39:24

and

39:25

you know, having less kids and all these

39:26

kinds of things. So, what's your

39:28

thoughts on all of that? Are we meant to

39:29

be monogamous? You've done a lot of

39:30

research on apes and you've talked a lot

39:33

about them in your in your work. But are

39:35

we meant to be monogamous?

39:37

And if so

39:39

how does that relate to the fact that

39:41

being in a relationship extends our

39:42

life?

39:43

What a terrific question. Well, you

39:44

know, anytime that you pose these

39:45

questions, right, you have to remember

39:47

um, you know, and I always approach

39:49

things from an evolutionary framework.

39:51

You know, which is humans are many

39:53

different kinds of individuals, right?

39:54

There's massive individual variation.

39:57

And when I, um, you know, and there's

40:00

cultural variation. So, some cultures

40:01

will be less monogamous, others more.

40:04

Um, yeah, I think that I think that, um,

40:07

the the safest answer we can offer and

40:10

it and it's dispiriting and I teach it

40:12

to my young students at Berkeley is, you

40:14

know, I hate to tell you this, but

40:15

you're in love right now, but odds are

40:17

very good that that's not going to be

40:18

the last relationship you're in. And so

40:20

we tend to move from one semi-committed

40:23

relationship to another. Mhm. Um so

40:25

serial monogamy or uh is is is what many

40:30

believe to be kind of our default

40:32

orientation. There's variation around

40:33

that. Some

40:35

are more polyamorous, others are really

40:36

fiercely monogamous given genetic makeup

40:39

and cultural makeup. Um

40:42

my belief is

40:45

um and and your generation is really

40:47

bringing this to the fore, which is that

40:49

the old model of single monogamous

40:53

relationship for 60 years

40:55

uh probably is not working. When you

40:57

look at divorce rates, 50%.

40:59

Those people who stay together, half of

41:01

those marriages are really pretty

41:03

unhappy. So it's it's not working. You

41:05

look at certain cultures, I I was

41:08

struck, Stephen, recently I was

41:10

you know, the Scandinavians always do

41:12

really well in happiness measures,

41:14

right? And I was like and I just Google

41:15

like

41:16

you know, what is the um

41:19

is sort of living configuration,

41:21

romantic relationship configuration in

41:23

Sweden. Sweden has really high rates of

41:26

people

41:27

co-parenting but not living with the

41:28

parent, right? And that may be a model

41:31

to be moved not not living with the

41:32

partner, sorry.

41:33

Mhm.

41:34

Um and so I think that we have

41:38

many kinds of love.

41:40

Uh one of them being a monogamous love.

41:43

Um it it puts a lot of pressure to uh

41:46

with this old kind of romantic,

41:49

chivalrous, Victorian ideal of like

41:52

that's the only person. I don't think

41:53

that works, right? And so we're we're

41:56

moving towards more flexible

41:57

arrangements

41:58

where we express many kinds of love and

42:00

and it comes with a lot of

42:02

complexity. So I when I teach

42:05

love

42:07

I say there are all these kinds of love,

42:09

right? Walt Whitman

42:11

loved friendship, You know, I I mean,

42:15

friendship love and in a lot of the

42:17

data, friends

42:18

give you more happiness than any kind of

42:21

relationship, right?

42:22

Oh, I shouldn't say. I shouldn't say I

42:24

agree. My girlfriend is somewhere

42:25

upstairs.

42:27

You're young, man. You got You got time.

42:28

I'm You know, I understand. I

42:30

understand.

42:30

So, the I think this this model of like,

42:34

you know, singular devoted all-consuming

42:38

romantic love has misled us. And we need

42:40

varieties of romantic love, which your

42:42

generation is creating, which is

42:43

exciting. And then we need to remember

42:45

the other forms to to have the rich

42:48

life. And then you get at that, you

42:50

know, I got the right social

42:52

configuration to give me those 10 years

42:53

of life expectancy.

42:55

I've always been going back and forth

42:57

about marriage because I understand that

42:59

some people say marriage is a

43:00

a system that allows for the rearing of

43:03

kids. Um,

43:05

it's a it's a form of commitment, which

43:06

changes things in the relationship. But

43:08

the

43:10

But I have always wondered if there's

43:11

another way.

43:12

Yeah.

43:12

That's more, you know, where which kind

43:15

of

43:15

I don't know. It's a controversial

43:16

topic. Is there another way? Like, I'm

43:18

not even sure me and my partner would

43:20

get married, but I'm sure we'd make some

43:22

kind of commitment to each other, but

43:24

you know, I'm not sure involving the law

43:26

and church and all these things in the

43:27

in the process is necessarily

43:30

conducive with a productive outcome.

43:32

I know. And not only that, but just

43:33

think about like, you know, I'm going to

43:35

be Wait, I'm going to do everything from

43:37

physical exercise to streaming movies to

43:41

cooking food with one person, right? Um,

43:44

you know, it's interesting, Stephen.

43:46

Um

43:47

the there's this really striking

43:50

literature. You know, one of the raw

43:52

facts of our evolution is our offspring

43:54

are very vulnerable. They're the most

43:56

vulnerable offspring of any mammal on

43:58

the face of the earth. They take 7 to 8

44:00

to 20 years just to I even say like 55

44:03

years to, you know, to even be

44:05

semi-functioning as an individual. But

44:07

what that meant is love

44:10

in our our hominid evolution was

44:14

distributed in communities, right? And

44:16

there's this concept called

44:17

allo-parenting, which is

44:19

we all kind of take care of young ones,

44:22

even if they're not our own. We're all

44:24

affectionately related to each other in

44:26

that work.

44:27

We're all There's much more sexual

44:29

fluidity in that dynamic that probably

44:31

reflects the truth of today that we

44:34

don't face with this Victorian ideal of

44:37

singular romantic love.

44:39

And and maybe your generation is moving

44:41

us toward

44:43

that that

44:45

sort of more communal approach to love

44:48

uh of And it's complicated, right? It

44:50

involves different ideas about sexuality

44:53

and different ideas of caregiving,

44:55

um but probably healthier. And I hope it

44:57

happens.

44:58

Why why won't it work?

45:00

And why doesn't it work? Cuz I you know,

45:02

when we think about polygamy or um pop

45:04

being polyamorous. I don't know the

45:06

difference, I've got to be honest.

45:07

Yeah.

45:08

They sound similar.

45:09

Polygamy, multiple wives. Polyamorous,

45:11

multiple people you love.

45:13

Okay.

45:13

Yeah.

45:14

So, when we think about those polys

45:16

Yeah.

45:16

um it it seems impossible in the modern

45:18

world to

45:19

to execute a poly situation

45:22

without jealousy and all the other

45:25

[ __ ]

45:26

Yeah. And you know, I grew up raised

45:28

around hippies. You know, my parents

45:29

were counterculture. I grew up in Laurel

45:31

Canyon in the late '60s, very wild

45:33

place. And I saw a lot of this as a

45:35

young kid, and it was comical. You know,

45:37

it's like, who You're fighting over the

45:38

dishes and I don't get to sleep with my

45:41

wife tonight? That's

45:43

He gets my my roommate does? Ah, you

45:45

know. It's hard, you know. Um yeah, uh

45:49

you know, and a lot of things get in the

45:51

way. I think that, you know, I I forgive

45:53

me, but you know, I think of the US and

45:55

how much

45:56

of United States culture is designed

45:57

around, you know, the nuclear monogamous

46:00

family

46:01

Mhm.

46:01

of, you know, single homes,

46:04

suburbs, driving in a car, um you know,

46:08

really structured around that and and

46:09

maybe that's

46:11

poor design. It doesn't seem to fit our

46:13

evolutionary past of being

46:15

in these, you know, these collectives

46:18

that are sharing in the raising of

46:19

offspring and um and sharing in

46:23

to a certain extent in romantic

46:24

partnership, so

46:25

Are you married?

46:26

Yes.

46:27

You've been married for a long time?

46:29

Yeah, through

46:31

uh

46:31

90 I think it's

46:33

33 years, something like

46:34

Wow, dude.

46:35

Yeah.

46:36

Important context.

46:36

Yeah.

46:37

So, you know, cuz some people might, you

46:39

know,

46:40

think that um you were like

46:42

anti-marriage or anything like that, but

46:44

you're clearly I can see from the ring

46:45

on your finger.

46:45

No, but yeah, but I grew up around a mom

46:48

who, you know, she

46:49

taught women's literature and feminism

46:51

in the '70s and, you know, that early

46:54

feminist critique of marriage is right.

46:57

Mhm.

46:57

You know, early on it women did a lot of

47:00

the work.

47:01

It constrained them. It cost them in

47:03

terms of job uh mobility, and so

47:07

I've always questioned it. And then I

47:08

think the evolutionary literature we

47:10

talked about is like, "Wait a minute.

47:12

Maybe love is more distributed. It comes

47:15

in many varieties.

47:16

Mhm.

47:16

And that's how we get this love work

47:19

done, so

47:21

I'm glad you guys are questioning it,

47:22

seriously.

47:24

Yeah.

47:25

luck.

47:25

Yeah, we we The good thing is we're

47:27

really like we're really open to new

47:28

things as in we're open to like

47:31

building new systems for our

47:32

relationship in the modern world based

47:34

on how we feel. We're We're very good at

47:36

being um resistant to like social

47:38

pressure to to follow a a conventional

47:41

path.

47:41

Yeah.

47:41

So, even with Valentine's Days and

47:43

things like that, we have a conversation

47:45

about like does this make sense? Like

47:46

why would we do this? And what's more

47:47

important?

47:48

Yeah.

47:48

Which a lot of people don't. I've been

47:49

in relationships before where

47:51

you you you don't hit the perfect like

47:54

social cue to show up or give flowers or

47:56

whatever, and you get like a [ __ ]

47:58

an essay and you're, you know,

48:00

a bad guy for that day, but um

48:02

Going back to one of the points you

48:02

said, you were talking about how men in

48:04

particular struggle to show

48:06

express those emotions.

48:07

Yeah.

48:07

Um and you know, stereotypically we're

48:10

not as uh affectionate and kind as as

48:14

our female counterparts. One of the

48:17

things that you talk about is

48:18

the difference in social class.

48:20

Yeah. Yeah.

48:21

And how things change.

48:22

Oh, man.

48:23

Are

48:24

are we

48:26

worst people the richer and more

48:29

powerful we become?

48:32

Because your research seems to show that

48:35

Yeah.

48:36

I would say yes. Um and I'm sorry to say

48:39

that, you know, it's it's uh

48:41

you know, we um

48:44

uh

48:46

I got interested in social class um

48:49

actually living in England. You know, I

48:51

lived in England in 1978.

48:53

Um and you the United States is very

48:56

blind to social class. We're now more

48:58

aware of it, Bernie Sanders, etc.

49:00

Rightfully so, 1% critique.

49:04

You know, '80s, '90s were just blind to

49:06

it. It was a more egalitarian time, and

49:07

I lived in Nottingham, England, very

49:09

working-class town in a very tough time

49:11

in England's history of, you know, coal

49:13

strikes and the like, and it was tough.

49:16

And and the English

49:18

had this

49:19

um

49:20

just much more sophisticated

49:22

understanding of class and

49:23

differentiations between

49:25

on the dole and working class and posh

49:27

and, you know, all these categories. I

49:28

was like, "Wow, class is everywhere. It

49:30

affects how people speak and dress and

49:33

eat and so forth."

49:34

And so, we started to apply social class

49:37

to what we've been talking about, like

49:39

the compassion, awe, gratitude, and

49:41

empathy, kindness, sharing, altruism,

49:45

and just, you know, across um

49:47

studies and and, you You largely in the

49:50

United States, so I think you could

49:51

question whether this applies to Holland

49:54

or UK or Japan where there there's less

49:58

inequality, I might add. Um, you know,

50:00

as you rise in wealth and privilege, you

50:03

share less, you feel less compassion to

50:05

images of suffering.

50:08

You know, you see an image. This was a

50:10

striking study to me of, you know, it's

50:12

a movie about a child who has cancer.

50:15

And poorer people show activation the

50:17

vagus nerve, which is part of

50:18

compassion.

50:20

You know, causes you to like want to

50:21

help. Well-to-do people, less

50:23

activation. Uh, they feel less awe. As

50:27

you rise in the social class hierarchy

50:29

in the United States, um,

50:31

uh, are more impolite. And so, that was

50:33

part of my power power paradox book was

50:35

that story about class. I, you know, I I

50:38

hesitate, I worry about like am I worse

50:40

person?

50:42

And I you I'd rather use your earlier

50:44

language of like, what are the

50:45

structural conditions that get in the

50:47

way of this?

50:48

And you think about, you know,

50:51

rising in in wealth and privilege and

50:53

class as introduced you you create a

50:55

life

50:57

that makes it harder to be kind. You

50:58

know, that you're people are assisting

51:00

you with things and

51:02

um, you don't come into contact with

51:04

suffering.

51:05

You know, you're living in a

51:06

neighborhood in the United States or

51:08

probably UK where it's like,

51:10

you don't see it, you know? And so, you

51:11

it doesn't train those tendencies.

51:14

And you know, frankly, um, Stephen, I,

51:17

you know,

51:18

I think this is increasingly true in the

51:20

UK,

51:21

but in the United States, uh, you know,

51:23

with one in six people impoverished,

51:27

uh, life expectancy is dropping,

51:30

you know, 6 700,000 unhoused people in

51:33

the United States. Where I live,

51:34

Berkeley, California, everywhere you go,

51:36

you're

51:37

bumping into somebody who doesn't have a

51:38

home.

51:39

I I think it's our central failure it in

51:42

the US is

51:44

how

51:45

privilege

51:47

has short-circuited our our better

51:50

human tendencies.

51:52

How do we know that

51:55

it's the increase in wealth and social

51:59

class

52:00

that is causing us to become

52:03

less kind, um, less empathetic, less

52:05

compassionate, or it's just

52:08

[ __ ] go further.

52:10

Yeah. Yeah.

52:11

There's a distinction there. Like maybe

52:12

these people were always [ __ ] and

52:14

that's why they became successful or

52:16

rich or wealthy or whatever or or in a

52:18

higher social class.

52:19

Yeah. I I mean, there are two And that's

52:21

a critical question, right? And And

52:22

people have long championed this idea

52:24

that, well,

52:25

maybe all of this, what it really tells

52:28

us is you if you practice our

52:30

compassion, you don't rise in the ranks,

52:32

and you don't gain wealth and the like.

52:34

And there are two rebuttals to that

52:36

idea. The first, which I chart in the

52:39

Power Paradox, which people still don't

52:40

believe too much, but uh, on balance

52:43

today,

52:44

um,

52:45

people who practice empathy, who listen

52:48

and and share resources, practice

52:51

gratitude, rise in the ranks. They they

52:53

do better in social hierarchies. Um, and

52:55

that replicates in a lot of contexts.

52:58

And And really what happens is, this is

53:01

why I call it the Power Paradox, is

53:03

once I have everybody's

53:05

respect and,

53:06

you know, wealth and the like, then it I

53:09

tend to misbehave, right? In the ways

53:11

we've talked about through a lot of

53:13

different, uh,

53:14

uh, forms of unethical behavior. The

53:17

other rebuttal is we've actually done

53:18

experiments, right? And you can take a

53:20

middle-class individual,

53:22

and you can get them into the mindset

53:25

like, "Hey, you're actually

53:27

have a lot of advantage vis-à-vis most

53:29

of society" through simple

53:30

manipulations, right? Just think about

53:32

how you compare to a lot of poor people,

53:35

and they're like, "Oh, I'm doing really

53:36

well."

53:37

And that simple shift in mindset leads

53:41

to

53:42

reduced compassion, reduced empathy. So,

53:45

you can you can actually move people

53:47

around where you give them the sense

53:50

that they're privileged and it tends to

53:52

undermine these these tendencies.

53:54

Jesus.

53:54

I know.

53:55

That's [ __ ] horrible.

53:56

It is. And you know,

53:58

um I worry about it. I worry about it a

54:00

lot. What um you know, the the kind of

54:03

poor distribution of

54:05

privilege in the United States and

54:06

increasingly UK and other countries is

54:08

doing to the social fabric. It's it's a

54:11

problematic.

54:13

It's interesting cuz there is there's

54:14

kind of a long um prevailing stereotype

54:16

that rich people are

54:18

like bad. Like they're like less

54:20

compassionate, um less empathetic. And I

54:23

and I always wondered whether that was

54:25

just I don't know. Was it true? Was it

54:28

um was it Was it people being jealous?

54:30

Was it um just too much of a broad

54:32

generalization? Was it, you know, based

54:34

on the the acts of maybe a few?

54:36

Yeah.

54:36

But you're telling me that the science

54:37

supports the fact that generally the

54:40

more the richer you are and that the

54:42

higher you are in terms of social class,

54:44

um the less compassionate less less

54:46

empathetic you are as a human.

54:48

Yeah, and you know, and it is that I

54:50

mean, that's the broad argument. I've

54:52

given you a couple of findings here.

54:54

There are all kinds of other findings

54:56

that speak to this.

54:57

Jesus.

54:57

Um you know, one This is one of my

54:59

favorites is, you know, in these um

55:03

these epidemiologists who are studying

55:04

broad trends in social behavior

55:06

discovered this accidentally. They're

55:08

interested in who shoplifts as a a

55:10

teenager in the United States.

55:13

You know, a basic unethical tendency,

55:15

really costly for businesses in the

55:16

United States. Is it the rich or the

55:18

poor?

55:20

Well, you know what who I who I would

55:22

assume it would be,

55:23

but I feel like I'm wrong.

55:26

It's the rich. Rich high school kids in

55:28

the United States are more likely to

55:29

shoplift, right? Um

55:32

and that's striking. They've got their

55:34

parents' credit card. They can buy

55:36

whatever they want and they violate that

55:39

social rule. This is where it gets

55:40

really worrisome.

55:42

Uh my former student Michael Kraus did

55:44

really nice work

55:46

on US senators and US policy makers.

55:50

You know, American politicians are rich.

55:52

They increasingly so.

55:55

And he was simply interested in does

55:57

your degree of

55:59

privilege or wealth predict

56:01

regressive policy preferences like let's

56:04

not give resources to schools for the

56:06

poor.

56:07

Let's not fund, you know, Medicare.

56:10

Let's really move wealth through

56:12

taxation policies to the well-to-do.

56:15

And the wealthier you are, the more you

56:17

you preferred and advocated for,

56:20

you know, serious economic policies that

56:22

hurt the poor and benefit the well-to-do

56:25

who already have, you know, in the US

56:27

the 1% they have enough. They have more

56:29

than enough, right? Why not share a

56:31

little? So, it's deep. And I think And

56:35

then you look across history,

56:37

European aristocracies and you know, the

56:40

Popes and so forth and it's it's I think

56:42

it's one of the you know, frankly,

56:44

Steven, and I hate to say it, you know,

56:46

Lord Acton,

56:47

uh

56:48

you know, power leads to abuse and

56:50

absolute power absolute corruption. Our

56:53

power is corrupting. Um it's a pretty

56:55

safe law in human behavior.

56:58

I hate to say it.

57:00

Mhm.

57:00

It's because you're rising in prominence

57:02

and facing a new life and you better

57:04

watch out.

57:05

I was thinking most of the time you're

57:07

talking, which is like, how do you avoid

57:08

that? How do you avoid

57:09

Yeah.

57:10

How do you avoid the uh that

57:13

scientifically supported tendency to

57:15

become an [ __ ] with with the more

57:17

wealth and power you accrue?

57:19

Um I guess my my assumption was just

57:21

being conscious of the fact. Yeah. The

57:23

first thing. But also just like there's

57:25

probably act things you could do

57:27

actively to remain

57:29

uh

57:30

aware of your own

57:35

insignificance to maybe not the word,

57:36

but like the fact that everybody is

57:37

exactly the same.

57:38

Yeah. That's like the the way I describe

57:40

it.

57:40

Yeah, I mean, I think that there's an

57:41

awareness dimension to this that you've

57:44

suggested.

57:46

There's an ethical practice of like, how

57:48

do I create more gratitude in an

57:50

organization if that's what we care

57:52

about, etc.

57:53

Um

57:54

How do I counteract my own biases then

57:55

as well? So, how do I put you people

57:58

around me who represent and we're

58:00

thinking here I'm thinking here about

58:02

governments that represent the entirety

58:04

of the population, not just the rich

58:05

private school right colleagues that I

58:08

might surround myself with, which has

58:09

often been the case in government.

58:10

And that is hard to work against, right?

58:12

That is a deep sociological process that

58:14

like, you appoint the cabinet member

58:16

from Oxford or whatever and and you're

58:18

in trouble. Yeah, you know, it's it's

58:21

uh

58:22

It is

58:24

uh you know, a lot of economists, a lot

58:25

of the work coming out of

58:27

uh you know, spirit level UK, this is a

58:29

central challenge of of the structure of

58:32

our societies today is this this

58:34

increasingly unequal distribution of

58:37

privilege and wealth and all that goes

58:39

with it.

58:39

Do people that are wealthy and in a

58:42

higher social class live longer? Because

58:44

I say that because the the attributes of

58:46

becoming less empathetic and rude or all

58:48

these things seem to be the antithesis

58:50

of social connectedness and all of these

58:53

things. And you even said earlier that,

58:54

you know, wealthier people experience

58:56

less awe. Yeah. And all of those things

58:58

are

58:59

um

59:00

uh

59:01

are associated with living longer. Yeah.

59:03

So, one would assume that if you become

59:04

rich and powerful, you're then there's

59:06

also then also a risk to your life

59:07

expectancy.

59:08

Yeah, that's terrific. That's a really

59:10

striking question and we don't know.

59:13

Um and I think your reasoning is right

59:14

on the point, which is wow, you

59:16

have less friends, you have

59:17

Right, privilege knocks out these these

59:19

these important tendencies that help

59:21

with inflammation and vagal tone and the

59:23

like. Um

59:25

rich people do live longer.

59:27

That's robust. Yeah, yeah, and food you

59:30

eat and so forth.

59:32

You know, opportunity for health, you

59:34

know, yoga, all the things that benefit

59:35

us.

59:38

Rich people, this is interesting,

59:40

surprised me, rich people are less

59:43

likely to experience anxiety and

59:44

depression in the United States. Yeah,

59:47

interesting, isn't it? We think so

59:49

lonely and anxiety producing to be at

59:51

the top. No,

59:52

mental health issues are really

59:54

concentrated in the poor for obvious

59:56

reasons. Working two jobs, riding the

59:58

bus, you know, schools are

60:01

under-resourced, etc.

60:03

But to your point, and it's interesting,

60:06

the effect of wealth on happiness is

60:09

much smaller than people think. People

60:13

think, you know, in particular in a

60:15

country like the United Kingdom or you

60:17

know, Great Britain or US, like

60:20

oh, once I make a lot of money,

60:22

it'll be bliss and happiness and

60:23

contentment. That turns out not to be

60:25

true. It's a weak relationship. And I

60:27

think part of the reason is,

60:30

you know, when you you gain in

60:32

resources, you don't have these raw

60:34

feelings of compassion as often or God,

60:38

I'm grateful for that gift, right, that

60:40

you gave me or this is awesome, this

60:43

person's courage or how they overcome

60:46

overcame obstacles. And so that

60:48

diminishes

60:49

how wealth could make you happier. So I

60:52

think it's at play in some of these

60:53

phenomena and maybe in others.

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I've now been a Huel drinker for about 4

62:00

years, roughly. So much so that I ended

62:03

up investing in the company um and I

62:04

play a role on the board of the company,

62:06

but they also very kindly sponsor this

62:08

podcast. And to be honest, I've never

62:09

said this before, but Huel believed in

62:10

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CEO, Julian, um

62:14

told me before we even launched the

62:15

podcast how successful it would be and

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62:19

absolutely have a huge amount of

62:20

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62:22

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62:23

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62:25

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schedule. And let me know what you

62:41

think. Send me a tweet and a DM. Tag me.

62:43

Let me know what you think. Back to the

62:44

podcast.

62:46

You talked about how life expectancy has

62:47

been declining in the last few years.

62:50

Why?

62:51

Yeah, you know, in the United States um

62:54

and I don't know the data in the UK.

62:57

Um

62:59

and and it's um it's it's really related

63:02

to inequality

63:03

and opportunity and the poor

63:06

distribution or

63:07

uh of of opportunity and resources is um

63:11

there have been these amazing findings

63:14

uh related to what's called death by

63:15

despair.

63:17

And

63:18

certain populations in the United

63:20

States, um very poor white people, large

63:23

group of the um

63:25

large subculture in the United States,

63:28

are often forgotten in the cultural

63:31

discourse. They're poor. I grew up

63:33

around these people.

63:35

Very poor, don't eat good food, schools

63:38

are not that good, you know, uh work is

63:41

uncertain.

63:42

And they and they feel disrespected in

63:45

some sense. And those that subculture in

63:48

the US

63:49

has been killing themselves, you know,

63:51

with opiates and you know, drinking and

63:56

drug addiction and suicides and the

63:58

like. And it's a serious problem. And

64:00

it's part of that statistic.

64:02

And then I think that, you know, if you

64:05

think about

64:06

the problems of contemporary culture

64:09

concentrated in the United States of

64:13

lack of civility, rage, self-focus, a

64:17

lot of things

64:18

that undermine our physical health

64:20

through the mind,

64:22

um that probably is part of this story,

64:24

too. Too much stress, too much

64:26

loneliness,

64:27

um not enough music and joy and shared

64:33

communal experience, um

64:35

we

64:36

are struggling. Um and and that's part

64:40

of probably that statistic, too.

64:42

And so that's why, you know, as I

64:43

mentioned, like the Surgeon General

64:45

Vivek Murthy, a very smart team, looking

64:47

at these kind of processes and saying,

64:49

"How do we build community?" You know,

64:51

and they're they've got a big program

64:53

now. So,

64:55

it is alarming. And that statistic

64:59

is important for thinking thinking about

65:01

where we are.

65:02

I looked at the life expectancy on

65:04

Google a couple of years ago. And I I

65:06

could see that it was basically going up

65:08

every single year. And then there was

65:09

these 2 years. I think it might have

65:10

been last year or the year before. This

65:12

was, I think, before the pandemic. Um

65:14

there was these two years where it had

65:15

dropped both in the UK and the US

65:17

Yeah.

65:18

in a row.

65:18

Yeah.

65:19

Um and I was trying to understand why

65:21

that was, and I heard some social

65:23

commentator say that there's this

65:24

epidemic of purposelessness.

65:26

Yeah. Yeah.

65:27

And describe that as leading to the

65:28

opioid crisis, but also suicides and all

65:30

these other behaviors.

65:31

Yeah.

65:32

Um

65:33

is that is that a good way to in your in

65:34

your view to define it, like this

65:35

epidemic of purposelessness?

65:37

Yeah, it is. You know, thanks for

65:39

bringing that up, and you know,

65:41

purpose, a lot of people now call it

65:43

meaning, right? What

65:46

vague term, has many different

65:48

definitions, but it's,

65:50

you know, I as an individual, how do I

65:53

connect to things that are larger than

65:54

the self, that don't have to do with

65:56

income or status or directly, but like,

65:59

what's my point here in my brief life on

66:03

Earth?

66:04

Um you know, what am I going to serve?

66:05

What's the big cause that I'm part of?

66:09

And this is really emerging

66:12

in the science of happiness as a central

66:15

focus of, you know,

66:17

um you know, we we know well uh how to

66:22

find income, we have good ideas about

66:25

sensory pleasures, what's good to eat,

66:27

how do I drink wines, what's the great

66:29

coffee and the like,

66:30

but we've lost sight of meaning. You

66:32

know, churches and religions used to

66:34

give that to us, you know, and religious

66:37

participation's on the decline in the

66:38

West, dramatically so for people your

66:41

age.

66:41

Mhm.

66:42

Um where they gave us a big picture of

66:44

life, and now,

66:45

you know, young people

66:48

are hungry for it, and they're

66:49

challenging

66:51

a lot of the

66:53

the approaches to happiness that that

66:56

don't give meaning, you know, new

66:58

conceptions of work, like, I don't have

67:00

to stay at one career if it isn't

67:01

meaningful, new conceptions of romantic

67:03

relationship, and so,

67:05

I think, you know, I think a lot of

67:08

different perspectives are saying this

67:09

is

67:10

one of the crises of our times is

67:13

meaning. Is what will be the big thing

67:15

you're devoted to?

67:18

If you were to follow

67:19

you answer that question?

67:20

Uh, which question?

67:21

What are you devoted to?

67:23

I'm devoted to so many things. I'm

67:24

devoted to this, this this podcast and

67:26

the show for so many reasons, for for

67:28

very selfish reasons, but those selfish

67:29

reasons happen to be selfless.

67:31

Yeah, a lot of them.

67:32

Um, you see what I mean? Like, doing the

67:34

podcast and you know, helps helps the

67:36

people some of the people that listen

67:37

because they come up to me in the street

67:38

and they tell me all the time wherever I

67:39

go. And the stories they tell me are

67:41

like, uh, I remember I was at, um,

67:44

Old Trafford

67:46

uh, 2 days ago, the Manchester United

67:48

stadium, and a guy who was the he said

67:50

he was the nearest survivor to the

67:52

Manchester, um, terrorist attacks.

67:54

Mhm.

67:55

Um, approached me in his in his

67:57

wheelchair and told me that of the

67:59

impact this has had on him.

68:01

Yeah.

68:02

And I literally had to walk like I took

68:04

the photo with him, walked, um,

68:06

like 2 m out out into this, um, this

68:09

balcony, and I remember feeling just

68:11

overwhelmed with emotion.

68:12

And it was this wonderful reminder of

68:14

like

68:15

how why I do this.

68:17

Yeah.

68:17

For for both the listener, but also for

68:19

me. So, this is something that I'm

68:21

increasingly devoted to because of those

68:22

experiences. And thank you to that young

68:24

man, he's tweeted me about for doing

68:25

that cuz I I needed I needed the

68:26

reminder. So, I feel like you need the

68:28

reminders sometimes often.

68:30

I'm devoted to my relationship with my

68:31

partner, my dog, my family,

68:33

Yeah.

68:34

um, my team,

68:36

and I'm I'm devoted to myself. I'm

68:39

devoted to like my my, um, health, my,

68:42

you know, of both my body and my mind.

68:44

Yeah.

68:45

I think that's what I'm devoted to. And

68:46

I think I'm devoted to, um,

68:49

the the the yeah. Probably answered this

68:51

in the first piece, but the good the

68:53

greater good of like the collective. So,

68:55

Yeah.

68:56

you know, um,

68:57

Yeah.

68:58

And you know, it's so interesting, you

69:00

know, Steven, one of the reasons that I

69:02

got really excited about awe

69:04

as an emotion to study, a brief state

69:07

that you, you know, you go out and you

69:09

see the the moment of generosity that

69:10

you saw or look at the sky or, you know,

69:13

think about a big idea, that idea of

69:14

space or infinity is is it does bring

69:17

people

69:18

it kind of moves people away from

69:20

transactional considerations. So, in one

69:22

of our studies, look up into the trees,

69:25

you feel awe, you're less interested in

69:27

money,

69:28

you're less focused on the self, and

69:29

you're you're really more focused on the

69:31

greater good. Like, what how do my

69:33

actions promote

69:35

healthier societies?

69:37

Um, and and I think that, um, you know,

69:40

a lot of of young people are raising

69:43

questions of meaning right now with

69:45

climate crises and economic inequality,

69:48

the state of democracy. Like, what is

69:51

the point? You know, when, you know, you

69:54

think about conversations from the last

69:57

century and the centuries before, you

69:59

know, in reading for awe, people would

70:00

use words like the soul.

70:02

Yeah.

70:02

And spirit. And like, this is what I'm

70:05

really about in life. Uh, and we've lost

70:08

sight of that, you know? And so,

70:10

hopefully with this book, people,

70:12

how whatever language they want to use,

70:13

they're asking questions like,

70:16

what am I devoted to? What's sacred?

70:17

What is what

70:18

Why do people suddenly care? It seems

70:20

like this young generation, I'd say

70:23

millennials and Gen Z, they all

70:26

want to change the world. Yeah. Now,

70:28

they don't necessarily know what they

70:29

want to change.

70:30

Yeah.

70:30

But they want to be involved in the

70:31

process of And I This is literally a

70:33

quote, and I say this because of the

70:34

amount of young people that have come up

70:35

to me various times, DM'd me, and said,

70:38

I said like, what do you want to do?

70:39

They they they'll say things like, I

70:40

want to change the world.

70:41

Yeah.

70:42

How do you want to change it?

70:43

And they're like,

70:44

They don't know. They don't know, but

70:45

they want to be involved in changing the

70:46

world. Now, I've always wondered if this

70:48

is like virtue signaling because it's

70:50

good for social media. Probably.

70:52

Probably, right? Or there's been some

70:53

inherent change, you know, from my

70:56

father's generation to my future kids

70:58

generation and my generation where we

70:59

suddenly are these great philanthropists

71:01

and we want to

71:02

Yeah.

71:03

change everything and make it better.

71:04

Yeah. No, it's exciting for me. I mean,

71:05

you know, the and there are a lot of

71:08

good findings on this that when Thatcher

71:10

and Reagan hit in 1980, and that's when

71:12

I was 18, right? We had this big return

71:16

to materialism. And you think about the

71:17

movie Wall Street being iconic. Greed is

71:21

good. And that truly

71:23

that was the idea, right? Of like, the

71:26

point of life is selfish genes and

71:29

maximizing my wealth. And we had this

71:31

massive, you know, shift in Wall Street

71:33

and that became our ideology. And that's

71:35

been documented sociologically. Like in

71:38

my generation,

71:41

you know, suddenly coming out of the

71:43

'60s and all the social revolutions of

71:45

those times, now young people are

71:47

allowed to say, "I want to make a ton of

71:49

money. I want to live in a big house. I

71:50

want to, you know, I want to drive

71:53

whatever car." And your generation is

71:55

reacting against that big pendulum

71:57

shift, right? And suddenly it's like,

71:59

"Hey, that didn't work. Look at the

72:01

Amazon. Look at economic inequality.

72:03

Bernie Sanders, right?

72:05

Um what about climate crisis? Greta

72:07

Thunberg, right? Suddenly new model and

72:11

it's

72:12

it's coming."

72:13

But it's not because of social It feels

72:14

like that social media and the internet

72:16

has played a huge role in making us this

72:18

like one connected mind.

72:19

Yeah.

72:20

And we know from our sort of

72:21

evolutionary past that we we prefer

72:23

members of the the tribe tribe

72:26

that serve the tribe, that are good, you

72:27

know, that are I think there's a there's

72:30

a a term you use when we're talking when

72:31

you're talking about gossip.

72:33

Um how we will gossip against people who

72:36

are not doing good for the tribe,

72:37

essentially.

72:38

Yes.

72:38

So, we know that like being part of the

72:40

tribe and serving the tribe and being

72:42

you know, empathetic and caring about

72:44

others is a good trait. Now, we're all

72:45

connected on these glass screens as if

72:47

we're one brain.

72:49

And we're rewarded with these likes and

72:51

these retweets when we do good.

72:52

Ridiculous.

72:53

Yeah.

72:53

So, if I if I you know if I do something

72:55

really really good for society or

72:57

whatever, um then I'm rewarded with I

72:59

don't know comments or likes or whatever

73:00

or you know everyone claps and I feel

73:02

part of the tribe.

73:03

Yeah.

73:03

So has social media made us these

73:06

philanthropic warriors that are seeking

73:09

for ways to like virtue signal our our

73:11

goodness.

73:12

Yeah.

73:14

You know, I

73:15

I mean there's one argument in that in

73:18

general any act of virtue and and way of

73:22

promoting the greater good becomes

73:23

co-opted and exploited by people who

73:25

have power, you know, and and there's a

73:27

critique, you know, I hate to say this,

73:28

but you have a lot of nonprofits that

73:30

they

73:31

kind of they create these virtuous

73:32

organizations and pay people good

73:34

salaries and don't do a lot in the world

73:36

and that is a critique out there. And I

73:39

think it could be even more robustly

73:42

uh levied against the digital virtue is

73:45

like it's

73:47

I you could say it's meaningless. Let's

73:49

take that hypothesis, right? Oh, we we

73:52

turn acts of generosity and kindness and

73:55

appreciation that you saw on the train

73:57

into digital things that don't affect

73:59

anything, right?

74:00

Black Lives Matter where everyone was

74:02

told to post a black tile on their

74:03

Instagram on a Tuesday.

74:05

Like I did a post about how um

74:08

how much that misses the point in many

74:10

respects. If we're trying to deal with

74:12

systemic racism, posting a black tile on

74:14

a Tuesday really does nothing to address

74:17

and

74:18

evoke the conversation that needs to be

74:20

had.

74:20

Yeah.

74:21

But it was like an easy quick

74:24

cool way to say I'm a good person.

74:26

It's

74:27

And to do very little thereafter, you

74:28

know.

74:28

And if it's not changing hiring

74:30

practices or pay practices or school

74:32

admissions, it is BS and it's a and and

74:36

probably counter works against social

74:39

progress.

74:39

I had a cool during that time from one

74:41

of the biggest brands in the world who

74:43

who asked me on a conference call, um

74:46

there was five of them, what should we

74:47

do?

74:48

You know, we need Do Do we Do we do a

74:50

donation? What What What should we post

74:52

on our Twitter channel? Like, what

74:53

should we do and say? And part of, you

74:55

know, it was the five executives of this

74:57

huge company. And I said, "I think the

74:59

the most important thing is actually to

75:00

get your home in order first. It's

75:02

startling that there's five white men on

75:04

this phone call right now talking about

75:06

um, race relations

75:08

um, and inequality. I think it's it's

75:10

it's better not to be the

75:11

contradictions. It's better to get your

75:12

home in order first before you start

75:15

You know, and that's not I mean, there's

75:16

for You can almost see the the

75:18

expression in their faces. It's like,

75:20

"Oh, that's the hard

75:21

That's the hard thing."

75:22

Well, get to work.

75:23

Yeah, exactly. It's much easier just to

75:25

do a donation, right, in these

75:26

situations. I want to talk about um,

75:27

compassion. It's a word I've I've

75:29

struggled to understand if I'm honest.

75:31

Yeah.

75:31

Because Like, what does it mean? Does it

75:33

mean being nice to people? What is

75:34

compassion?

75:35

No, you know,

75:36

um,

75:37

compassion is

75:40

um, the feeling of concern about other

75:42

people's suffering.

75:44

Okay.

75:44

And and then taking action, right? Uh,

75:47

Empathy? Is that

75:48

Empathy is

75:50

I feel the same thing as you. I

75:52

understand your mental states. If you're

75:54

in pain, I feel pain. Compassion is

75:58

you're in pain and I want to I want to

76:00

make your circumstances better. I want

76:02

to lift up your your well-being. Um, so

76:06

it's interesting um, compassion is a

76:09

very dynamic emotion. It's an empowered

76:12

emotion. It isn't Nice is great, you

76:15

know, it's politeness and civility and

76:17

being considered. I think we

76:19

uh,

76:20

we need more niceness in the world and I

76:22

think we often I think the connotations

76:24

of the word nice

76:26

uh,

76:27

sort of devalue how powerful it is, but

76:29

compassion is

76:30

powerful. It is the state of wanting to

76:34

lift up the welfare of other people who

76:35

suffer. Um, and what's striking about it

76:38

and and I love the neurophysiology of

76:41

this and the the which really speaks to

76:43

you its power which is that

76:46

I can see

76:48

somebody suffering, dying, cancer,

76:51

uh flesh wounds, crying in pain. And

76:55

when I lock into the compassion

76:57

response, certain regions of the brain

76:59

are activated that are different than

77:01

empathy, the vagus nerve is activated,

77:04

and it's it really just throws you into

77:07

altruistic action, right? So,

77:09

um and that's why you know, when the

77:12

Dalai Lama

77:13

um you know, who's now one of the most

77:15

prominent spiritual figures in the world

77:18

says,

77:20

"If you want others to be happy,

77:22

practice compassion.

77:24

And if you want to be happy, practice

77:26

compassion."

77:28

That gets to it, right? Like, man, if

77:30

you can stay close to compassion,

77:32

you and other people and the greater

77:34

good will do well. It's a really dynamic

77:36

emotion.

77:37

Is there scientific evidence that proves

77:38

that you will become happier if you're

77:41

compassionate to others?

77:42

Yeah.

77:42

And what does that scientific evidence

77:44

show and prove?

77:45

It's amazing, you know, and it it begins

77:48

with a study by Liz Dunn, famous study,

77:52

replicated in many different cultures,

77:53

which is you give people some money and

77:56

they can give it away to a to help

77:58

somebody or spend it on themselves.

78:01

Giving it away boosts happiness more

78:02

than spending it on yourself.

78:05

Um there's research. I love this work in

78:08

Contagion has been part of our

78:09

experience here where

78:11

um if I am kind to you, Stephen,

78:15

um this is kind of extending from the

78:18

study,

78:19

uh that boosts my life expectancy, it

78:22

shifts my physiology, it shifts my

78:24

stress. But, I love this work where if

78:27

I'm kind to you and then the

78:29

experimenter watches you in your next

78:31

interaction, you're kinder to that

78:34

person, right? I'm not around. My act of

78:36

kindness makes you more kind downstream,

78:39

and then that person you've helped

78:41

actually is kinder to

78:44

another person in a subsequent

78:45

interaction. So, you know, the

78:47

you've proven that in studies.

78:48

Yeah, and really nice research on the

78:51

contagiousness of altruism and

78:53

compassion. Um yeah, it is like

78:57

gratitude, it's one of these big

78:58

winners, you know, if I There's a loving

79:01

kindness practice

79:03

where

79:04

comes out of East Asian traditions where

79:06

you just calm yourself, get into some

79:09

deep breathing, find a quiet safe space,

79:12

and orient kind phrases to other people.

79:15

I I May you be filled with loving

79:17

kindness. May you be safe from inner or

79:19

outer danger.

79:21

Well in body and mind.

79:23

Uh at ease and happy. And that simple

79:26

practice, 2 minutes, right? Uh

79:29

just calms the amygdala, threat-related

79:32

region of the brain,

79:33

activates reward circuitry. So,

79:36

you know, um you know, you talked about

79:39

and you asked about what are these

79:40

structural conditions of our busy lives

79:42

that get in the way of of the good life,

79:44

and

79:45

you've got to find a few moments just to

79:48

be kind.

79:50

I was blown away um when reading your

79:53

your work and watching videos that you

79:55

produced about um

79:57

so many things. The one of the real

79:59

startling things is

80:00

the the power of touch.

80:02

Yeah.

80:04

I read

80:04

I read

80:05

read

80:06

um that if you pat a kid on the back in

80:07

the classroom, that child is three to

80:10

four five times more likely to try hard

80:12

problems on the blackboard, and that

80:14

touch can make you live longer.

80:16

Mhm.

80:17

And be less stressed, just someone

80:19

touching you.

80:20

Yeah.

80:20

Is that true?

80:22

Yeah, I mean, it's you know,

80:24

touch

80:25

in a lot of mammalian species, including

80:28

humans, is just connection. It's it's

80:31

identity, it's I'm with you.

80:34

You know, you think early in life we are

80:36

constantly being held and in

80:37

skin-to-skin contact with our

80:39

caregivers.

80:40

It's foundational. It's where my sense

80:42

of me and you

80:44

connection emerges.

80:46

The physiology of touch is mind-blowing.

80:49

You know, our hands are incredible.

80:52

They're spectacular

80:54

um you know, evolutionary adaptations

80:56

that can do all kinds of things

80:57

including touch. Our skin, 8 lb,

81:01

billions of cells, our immune system is

81:03

in the skin.

81:04

You know, it registers touch in many

81:07

different ways from the sexual to the

81:08

friendly to the cooperative. Goes up

81:11

into the brain and says, "Man, you're

81:12

being touched in this way."

81:15

Uh and and that has direct effects on

81:18

your immune system and your vagus nerve

81:20

and your heart rate and the health of

81:22

your body. And so, you know, early

81:24

discoveries

81:25

um you know, you have premature babies,

81:28

they're going to die.

81:30

And and they used to just put them in

81:32

these little, you know,

81:34

um sort of units that warm them and had

81:37

them sort of be comfortable and fed, and

81:40

they would die. And then they figured

81:41

out you got to

81:42

hold the the premature baby. They needed

81:46

skin-to-skin contact like they need

81:48

food. Right? And they lived. They gained

81:50

47% weight gain. Um and then, you know,

81:53

there are there are just studies time

81:55

and time again.

81:56

You know, nice hug, lower cortisol. Uh

82:00

nice embrace with somebody, elevated

82:02

vagal tone.

82:04

Um the studies that you referred to of,

82:06

you know, patting kids on the back, they

82:07

they do better in school. Um

82:10

you know, and it's so interesting, parts

82:12

of

82:13

English culture,

82:15

you know, Victorian culture,

82:17

Western European culture,

82:20

they came up with the idea like touch is

82:23

sexual. It's you got to get it and it

82:25

is, but only certain kinds of touch are

82:26

sexual. There's a lot of friendly touch

82:29

we need, right? And it just shut it

82:30

down.

82:32

And now it's coming back. It's uh thank

82:34

goodness. It's it's good for us.

82:35

We We talked before we started filming

82:37

about the study with the rhesus monkeys.

82:39

Yeah.

82:39

I can't remember that the who the

82:40

researcher was, but

82:42

Yeah.

82:42

I was saying to you that

82:43

Harlow.

82:43

Harlow, that was it. Yeah. Um how that

82:46

was mind-blowing to me at 16 to learn

82:48

that they put these monkeys in these

82:49

cages. They had like a pretend wire

82:51

mother, so a mother made out of like

82:53

metal. And then they had another one

82:55

made out of like cloth. And

82:58

like a mother made out of cloth, which

82:59

was essentially a teddy bear.

83:00

And there was huge variance between the

83:03

outcomes of those kids, right?

83:04

Yeah. I mean, if you deprive those

83:05

monkeys of the nice touch,

83:07

they they don't learn how to behave

83:09

socially effectively. You know, if you

83:12

give them a choice between a wire

83:14

uh monkey mother and that provides milk

83:17

and then a terry cloth one, they always

83:19

hang around the terry cloth one, right?

83:22

They just love the social contact.

83:24

If you deprive non-human primates of

83:26

touch, they

83:28

they are almost schizophrenic or

83:31

psychopathic or they're just like

83:32

Personality disorders.

83:33

aggressive, they can't handle social

83:35

interactions. You know, orphans deprived

83:38

of touch, famous orphan studies.

83:41

You know, in humans, same thing. They

83:42

just like they don't become human in

83:44

some way. Or they are human, but they

83:47

have trouble with social contact. Yeah,

83:49

you know, I mean, part of the

83:51

questioning of that you're engaging in,

83:54

Stephen, of the literature is like,

83:55

well, what can I do just to live a more

83:56

meaningful life?

83:57

Mhm.

83:58

And you know, from gratitude to kindness

84:00

to find some ah, man, you know,

84:03

if you're not hugging people you love,

84:05

if you're not if you don't have a rich

84:07

language of touch with your friends,

84:10

you know, I learned it playing pick up

84:11

basketball. Basketball, which is the

84:13

I believe the most

84:15

fascinating sport in human history, it

84:17

has this amazing language of touch, you

84:19

know? And it's it's unique to the court,

84:21

right? You're fist bumping, chest

84:22

bumping, and the like. I If you're not

84:24

doing that with your friends, you're

84:25

missing out on one of the great

84:26

languages of human

84:28

kind, which is to be in contact with

84:31

each other. So, you know, parents,

84:34

you know, when you have kids,

84:37

and I hope some of your listeners are

84:39

are doing that, you know, it's this

84:41

mystery, like,

84:42

should they take naps on my body? Should

84:44

we How should I hold them? Should I

84:46

carry them in public? Am I indulging

84:48

them? And I think the more friendly,

84:50

kind touch the better. So, we're moving

84:53

back to where we began evolutionarily,

84:55

and I think it'll be a good thing.

84:57

What if I'm touching a dog?

84:59

Does that have the same same effect?

85:00

Yeah, I mean, dogs evolved because we

85:02

love them, and they love us, and there's

85:05

all this new amazing dog science where

85:08

This is one of my favorite studies, and

85:09

touch releases oxytocin,

85:12

which is this little chemical that

85:14

floats in your brain and your blood, and

85:15

it helps you be kind to other people and

85:17

cooperate. And they're now studies from

85:20

Japan showing

85:22

you may do this with your dog, Steven,

85:23

where if you look into the eyes of your

85:26

dog,

85:27

you your dog will have a surge of

85:29

oxytocin,

85:30

and you will have a surge of oxytocin.

85:32

So,

85:33

so it's like all of this social stuff

85:36

that's so simple of eye contact and

85:37

touch

85:38

brings us good things even with our

85:40

dogs.

85:41

It makes me kind of realize two things.

85:43

The first is that men tend to be

85:45

stereotypically much worse at that.

85:47

Yeah.

85:48

Much worse at touch. We don't We do the

85:50

like the macho hug where you like

85:52

on the back, you know, like where you

85:53

pat them on the back. It's like, "Get

85:54

the [ __ ] off me."

85:56

Um, we're we're less good at even things

85:59

like eye contact and sort of emotional

86:01

engagement. And then you look at the

86:03

stats around male suicides and all of

86:06

those, you know, drug addiction and all

86:08

those things are significantly higher.

86:11

I believe the stats say that the biggest

86:13

killer of men under the age of 40 is

86:14

themselves in this country yeah, by

86:16

suicide. Um,

86:18

And they really need feel as like they

86:20

need to be a reversal of that. The

86:21

adjacent point is the just the one we

86:23

talked about earlier, which is just

86:24

loneliness.

86:25

And now it kind of makes sense as to why

86:29

if you are lonely, you have a

86:32

significantly worth worse health

86:34

outcomes. Um and a shorter life

86:37

expectancy cuz you're not getting the

86:38

compassion, the touch. You're not You're

86:40

probably experiencing less awe or

86:41

gratitude, etc.

86:42

Yeah.

86:43

Um

86:44

And I feel like we have to we have to

86:45

talk about how we fix that. Like you

86:48

know cuz some of the saddest moments I

86:50

can I think about when I've had private

86:52

conversations are men coming up to me

86:55

after like a talk on stage and

86:56

whispering to me that the part I said

86:58

about me being lonely when I was like

87:00

23, 24 and I'd given everything just for

87:02

this business, coming to the office

87:03

every day, sacrifice friendships,

87:05

family, relationships.

87:07

I'll have men come up to me and whisper

87:08

to me that that was the part that they

87:11

um

87:12

it

87:13

needed to hear the most. But then asking

87:15

me what they can actionably do to fix

87:18

that. Yeah. As if they don't want the

87:19

the the group around me to hear that

87:21

they are lonely. Yeah. And they want to

87:23

do something about it. They are sat on

87:24

their computers, often playing video

87:25

games or on the internet, um

87:28

struggling to attract, you know, maybe

87:31

the opposite sex or the same sex or

87:33

whatever whatever they're interested in.

87:36

And it feels like it's going in one

87:38

negative direction generally. I mean the

87:39

stats kind of support the fact that

87:41

we're getting lonelier and lonelier.

87:42

Yeah.

87:43

Yeah, I mean those are such deep

87:45

insights.

87:48

And

87:49

really worth thinking more concretely

87:51

about what to do. I I think that the

87:54

you know, kind of the the gender

87:56

complexities here are really striking,

87:58

right? Men live significantly fewer

88:01

years than women in most Western

88:04

globalized cultures. And and I think

88:06

you're on a really interesting

88:07

hypothesis, Stephen, which is that

88:10

you know, if the gender stereotypes and

88:12

these rigid concepts and then the lives

88:14

we lead don't allow us to hug and feel

88:17

grateful and feel empathetic, it it

88:19

countervails that and there those are

88:21

gender stereotypes, right? Oh, if I

88:24

practice compassion at work, I'll be

88:25

weak and I won't rise. That's not true.

88:28

That's a gender stereotype. And it it

88:30

denies men

88:32

um disproportionately this opportunity

88:34

for these emotions, right? And that's

88:37

that, you know, with new conceptions of

88:39

gender, new ideas about work is changing

88:41

dramatically, uh that will shift and I

88:43

think it'll be good news um for the

88:45

health of men. Um and and then

88:48

loneliness

88:50

um loneliness in some sense is the

88:53

deprivation of everything we've been

88:54

talking about. It's that you don't get

88:57

to hug somebody like you would like to

88:59

every day and that you don't hear the

89:01

words of appreciation. William James,

89:04

you know, the deepest craving we have is

89:06

to be appreciated by other people. You

89:07

don't hear it. You don't hear the thank

89:09

you. You don't get to go out and feel

89:12

awe with somebody

89:13

uh or feel kindness. Um you know, so I

89:16

think we have to

89:18

think very actively about building these

89:20

emotions into those contexts. In the

89:22

United States,

89:24

there are 35,000 long-term care

89:27

facilities.

89:28

The elderly in the United States,

89:31

a lot of them live alone, you know. Uh

89:34

if when people from India

89:36

see how we treat the elderly or people

89:38

from Mexico,

89:40

it's just like the unhoused. They're

89:41

like, "What are you guys doing?" You

89:43

know, you're taking the vulnerable

89:45

and and sort of shunting them off alone.

89:48

But the but these emotions point to

89:49

really direct actionable things to do,

89:52

right? With awe practices and

89:54

compassion. So, it gives me hope, but

89:56

we've got, you know, I think in part

89:58

historically

89:59

we took these prosocial emotions out of

90:02

our lives,

90:03

right? And now we got to build them back

90:06

in.

90:07

And if we do, it's good for not just

90:08

ourselves, but it's good for the

90:09

recipients of those emotions. You know,

90:12

hugging hugging my dad or hugging my mom

90:14

or hugging anybody is is a mutually

90:16

beneficial um behavior in terms of all

90:18

the, you know, life expectancy,

90:20

happiness, reduction in stress.

90:23

And not only that, but you know, I just

90:24

heard 50% of US healthcare expenses are

90:28

on the last 5 years of life

90:30

when a lot of those people are living

90:31

alone and feeling lonely. And there are

90:33

simple ways to address that as we've

90:36

been talking about. So it's there's a

90:38

bottom line that's really relevant here,

90:40

too.

90:41

And then the the really the the bit I

90:43

imagine a lot of people will, especially

90:44

those that are much more spiritually

90:46

inclined, will love is the

90:47

idea of that karma and how, you know, if

90:50

I hug one person or if I'm kind to some

90:51

person or express that gratitude or

90:52

compassion, it has this sort of

90:54

cascading knock-on effect.

90:56

Yeah.

90:56

And how they go through the day. So like

90:58

in that sense, karma is a very real

90:59

thing.

91:00

It's very real. Yeah.

91:01

In every respect, even in the in the

91:03

the concept of gossip, where how you

91:05

treat someone will spread. I think you

91:06

said in your your book that um

91:10

when we treat someone badly,

91:12

people on average gossip that bad

91:14

treatment to 2.5 people.

91:16

Yeah.

91:18

Which is, you know, which is slightly

91:19

terrifying. But it's but it makes sense.

91:22

Um

91:23

Yeah, you know, it's in part of our

91:26

theme in our conversation is how we're

91:27

all connected and united in these these

91:29

superorganisms, some people call them,

91:31

through practicing gratitude and sharing

91:33

resources that spreads through uh these

91:35

social networks. And then the the

91:37

complement is also true, which is you

91:39

know, and and as much as I don't like

91:42

gossip and I didn't like being gossiped

91:44

about, it's a human universal. It can be

91:47

horrifying and and we've got to worry

91:49

about it, like online catfights and it

91:52

escalates.

91:52

Yeah.

91:53

But we study these social groups and and

91:55

the thing that people really gossip

91:56

about is when you're not kind, right?

91:58

They're like

91:59

look at what that that A just said these

92:00

harsh things. that spreads through the

92:02

network and it it

92:05

tries to keep those problematic

92:07

tendencies in check. I guess that's a

92:09

good thing.

92:10

It's like a community sort of regulation

92:12

tool.

92:12

Yeah.

92:13

Thank you so much. I've had a wonderful

92:16

brilliant time over the last week

92:17

learning more and more about all of your

92:19

work and reading and watching your your

92:21

content in great detail. This book is

92:22

absolutely fantastic. Um it's very

92:25

challenging, but it's this this concept

92:27

of awe was one was not one that I'd ever

92:30

thought of before.

92:31

Mhm.

92:31

You know, you think about these other

92:33

sort of emotions, gratitude, compassion,

92:34

there's a lot written about them, but

92:36

I've almost never heard someone talk

92:38

about the topic of awe as a very

92:41

accessible, but very profound, powerful

92:43

human medicine, I would say. And the way

92:46

that you do that throughout your book is

92:48

um is incredibly important and I've as I

92:50

say, I've really never encountered a

92:52

book quite like it. So, I highly

92:53

recommend everybody goes and gives it a

92:55

try and the the reviews on the back by

92:56

people like Adam Grant and Steven Pinker

92:58

are

92:59

I mean, they speak for themselves. So,

93:00

thank you for writing such a brilliant

93:01

book and thank you for having such a

93:03

brilliant, eye-opening conversation with

93:04

me today. We have a closing tradition on

93:06

this podcast where the last guest asks a

93:09

question for the next guest.

93:12

Huh. Okay, funny.

93:14

Um the question that's been left

93:16

for you

93:18

is

93:21

do you think

93:22

obesity

93:24

is a choice?

93:29

I I I don't. Um

93:33

it's a terrific question, right? And

93:35

obesity is I think in the US, I think

93:38

the latest estimate is 56% of US

93:40

citizens, probably pretty comparable

93:43

here in the UK.

93:44

Um and man, when I think about the food

93:47

that we

93:49

put in our bodies,

93:51

the lack of activity that are not cho-

93:54

chosen, right? That depend on what kind

93:56

of soft drink that's readily available

93:58

and cheap, and how fast food is so

94:00

cheap, and provide us provides us a

94:02

certain kind of high. To me, that says

94:05

that it's mainly not a choice of the

94:07

people eating,

94:08

but it is a choice of the policy makers.

94:10

So, I would

94:12

make that

94:13

argument.

94:15

And there is some sort of three lines

94:17

between the conversation we've had today

94:18

about stress, connectedness, and all of

94:20

those things as it relates to food and

94:21

diet and and eating, which is again

94:24

social constructs and

94:26

And access to awe. Um there is a

94:28

movement parks, living near parks.

94:30

London is one of the greenest cities in

94:32

the world. Living near parks boost life

94:34

expectancy, I think through awe.

94:36

Uh there's a movement in the United in

94:38

California

94:39

that everybody should be 10 minutes

94:41

public transport away from a park for

94:43

free.

94:44

Um 360 million people

94:47

uh went to the national parks in the

94:49

United States last year. So, there's a

94:51

lot of

94:52

with this stress profile that we've been

94:54

talking about culturally, there are easy

94:56

solutions, and one and one pathway is

94:58

through being outdoors with awe.

95:02

I want to close then just on that point

95:03

about a sort of an adjacent point to

95:05

what you've just said, which is about

95:06

and you also talked about prisoners

95:07

earlier. I read once upon a time, when I

95:08

was doing some research for one of my

95:09

books, that um

95:11

prisoners who had a exposure to

95:15

nature

95:15

Yeah.

95:16

were significantly less likely to become

95:18

depressed than those that were like

95:19

basically looking out at concrete.

95:21

Yeah.

95:21

Um

95:23

which is mind-blowing to me.

95:24

It is.

95:24

The thought that just seeing nature can

95:26

have a massive impact on our our chances

95:29

of depression and anxiety.

95:30

Yeah.

95:32

Do we need to put more of that stuff in

95:33

prisons then?

95:34

We do. We do. And that, you know, you've

95:35

been challenging me, Stephen, like, all

95:37

right, what do we do?

95:39

Just look at a hospital, put some nature

95:41

in it, right? Look at a prison. Prisons

95:43

are horrifying in the United States.

95:45

Norway has more open prisons with views

95:47

and so forth.

95:48

Uh different recidivism rates. So, I

95:51

take from this science and I'm really

95:53

grateful to you for profiling it, you

95:55

know, in such a

95:57

uh

95:58

a scholarly and thoughtful way. Like, we

96:00

got to use this knowledge, and prisons

96:02

is a nice application.

96:04

But, even in our own homes.

96:05

Yeah.

96:05

You know, we most of us are living in

96:07

these white boxes in big cities, and

96:09

those that that live in social housing

96:10

unfortunately are living in even worse

96:12

conditions often.

96:13

Yep.

96:13

Um and nature is somewhat of a

96:15

privilege, it seems.

96:17

It shouldn't be.

96:17

Especially in the home environment, just

96:19

having some plants. I have zero in here.

96:21

I have loads upstairs cuz I have a

96:22

girlfriend and she's just she's very in

96:24

touch with these things, but she's she's

96:25

filled my house with with plants, but

96:27

that's a simple thing we can all do to

96:28

be happier every day is just have a bit

96:30

more nature in our in our environment.

96:32

It's not a bad first step.

96:34

Okay, thank you so much.

96:35

Thank you, Steven. It's been an an honor

96:37

and a a pleasure.

96:42

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Interactive Summary

In this episode, Dr. Dacher Keltner, an expert on human emotion and the Greater Good Science Center, discusses the vital role of emotions like awe, compassion, and gratitude in human health and longevity. He explains that modern societal issues, such as loneliness and a decline in meaning, are contributing to health declines, and offers actionable strategies—such as 'awe walks' and fostering social connection—to combat stress, improve physical health, and restore a sense of purpose.

Suggested questions

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