Okay. What's going on, man? So, it's

wave night, right?

>> Yeah. You can call me Darren, though.

>> Okay.

>> Yeah. Before that, I want to give a

quick shout out to uh Coach Allen, uh

Coach Jana, and uh HD community leader

Soma. I don't know if we're on stream,

but I just wanted to do that.

>> Yeah, absolutely. Thank you for doing

that.

>> Coach Allen, Coach who?

>> Jana.

>> I don't know if I I think I've met Coach

Jana a couple of times. I know Allan

really well.

>> I know.

>> Okay. And then and then uh yeah, S does

awesome stuff on the Discord. Yeah, he's

amazing.

>> And and you've done S's meditation stuff

or what? He does meditation.

>> Not Psycho Soma. The other one. The

>> Okay. There's there's another S. Okay.

Okay.

>> Fitness guy.

>> Okay. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

>> Yeah.

>> Okay. Yeah. Thanks for the shout outs.

>> Yeah, for sure. They they brought me

here really. I don't think I would be

here if uh it wasn't for their

encouragement and coaching and

everything. So

>> awesome, dude.

>> Um so my question it's uh I don't really

know how to phrase it completely, but

>> I just started dating like a month ago.

Like really? I'm 27 and I just started.

So, I met someone that's like pretty

similar to me. Um, she's actually a

therapist, too. Uh, not two. I'm not a

therapist, but I did HD coaching stuff.

So, I feel like sometimes when we talk,

we get into like this weird space where

it's like, "Oh, there's a problem now.

We have to like fix it." And it's we

literally just been on a few like dates.

I guess I feel like that gets in the way

of our communication a bit. Absolutely.

It's just it's just so it's just so

bizarre cuz like and it's also cuz we're

both so similar. We're both like I

watched your your video on flirting and

I I think we're like the sincere type of

flirts where we just like talk about

trauma and I'm like okay like how far do

we go?

>> Yeah.

>> So I I really feel like there's like

this huge like wall that I can't like

that I'm just like really scared. So I

don't really know what to do. So I was

wondering if you had any advice.

>> Yeah. So tell me what the wall is and

what you're scared about. Let's start

there. like I'm afraid of being like too

too intense. It's funny cuz on our

second outing she like kind of just told

me straight up like so like I'm a little

too much sometimes. But I'm afraid of

like asking too deep of a question when

I don't questions when I don't really

know her that well yet cuz I mean it's

just so bizarre. I literally just met

this person but it feels like I've known

her forever but I don't want to like

pretend like I do I guess.

>> Okay. So when she says you're too

intense, do you have a sense of what

she's picking up on?

>> Yeah. So like I I guess she said like

I'm very like perceptive of like her

needs and stuff and that I try to like

do everything right.

>> What an [ __ ] dude. Oh my god.

>> Right. Just like accept my my generosity

or whatever. Just let like So she's like

chill out. Uh basically. And I feel like

that just happens all the time in

regular conversations. So, last time we

saw each other on Monday, she started

like talking a bit about her past and

then I was just like listening and being

affirming, but I made sure not to do any

of the coaching stuff that I learned.

Like that's like the dark magic, you

know?

>> Yeah. Good. Good. You should not use the

dark magic. It It backfires if you use

it on a romantic partner, by the way.

>> Really? Yes.

>> Oh, that makes a lot of sense.

>> Yes.

>> Yeah. I'm so glad that I asked that

then. But yeah, I'm just like, how does

it backfire, though?

>> Yeah. Okay. So let's talk about you the

utilization of the dark magic. Okay.

So one of the reasons that Kriy and I

are still together is that I started

being with her far before I became a

psychiatrist. And and so you know one of

the weird things is that see when you

get trained in people you learn the you

know you know it's the dark magic right

like it's it's weird. It's like you have

a

>> I mean you're you're do you play video

games?

>> Yeah.

>> Okay. So you're like like you know once

you learn the dark magic you're like map

hacking but in in interpersonal

relationships and it's kind of OP. But

there's there's there's a couple of

things about you know coaching and

psychiatry which is that this kind of

map hacking is only okay in a

relationship where you are designed to

map hack right they don't know what's on

the map. I don't know if you play any

games that have map hacks, but like

>> like you know they don't know where

things are and you are specifically in

the role of helping them figure it out.

>> So one of the things that I found is I

mean I I you know there's there's some

evidence that when you're like a

psychiatrist for your kids that that's

not super healthy for them. So a

psychiatric awareness is really good but

like I don't therapize my children. So

one thing that I So and using the dark

magic will backfire because it won't be

a rel it it'll be a coaching

relationship. It won't be a a romantic

relationship. So then what'll happen is

once it once it becomes a coaching

relationship weird things will start to

happen. There will be a power dynamic.

That's one example. Another example is

like they will detect that you are using

the dark magic on them and they will not

like it. It's not that it doesn't work.

>> Yeah.

>> It's that they can feel it happening.

Right.

>> Yeah. And and then they don't like it.

They're like, "Hey, like like it's funny

cuz we joked about this, right?" But

it's actually not funny. Which is like,

"Oh my god, you're such a thoughtful and

caring perceptive person and a good

listener, you asshole." Actually, yeah.

>> Mhm.

>> Right. Cuz she doesn't want you to do

that. And this makes sense because now

you're kind of screwed, bro. You're not

really, but let's be clear about where

you are, which is that now you are

really good at utilizing the dark magic,

but you haven't stumbled through

relationships between the ages of 17 and

27. So, you don't know any other kind of

you need to use the the warm magic, the

pink magic, not the dark magic.

>> I should uh put on my magical sunglasses

then.

>> There you go. Right. Yeah, you should

wear those glasses. I keep seeing

comments, Dr. K, how do I apply this to

a situation in my life? That's literally

why we created a coaching program. Our

coaches are certified on an

evidence-based curriculum designed to

help you get unstuck. This involves

analyzing your patterns, increasing your

understanding, and working with you week

to week to help you develop a plan to

create lasting change. So, if y'all are

interested, check out the link in the

description below. So, the tricky thing

for you is going to be that for you to

be so good at one thing and then to go

back to being a novice is going to be

really hard. Yeah, it has been.

>> Right. But but I I I think that that

that's where I the other problem is I

mean maybe you're you're in love with

this person.

>> I I I don't want to say that cuz if she

watches this then she's going to be like

>> right. Okay. So So you don't want to say

it. I I know. But we can all tell,

right? So and and then

>> and and then dude, I practiced the dark

magic, dude. I I was there. I was there

when the old magic was written.

>> Right.

>> Yeah. Oh man. What was I expecting?

Right. Yeah.

>> Well, that's a good question. Okay. So,

so and I think I think that there's

hesitance around that, which is healthy

because this is your first relationship.

There's a decent chance that you this is

really is the one, which I I hate to

say, but

>> this is the first one.

>> I know. It was faded, dude. You were

waiting for her. This is what this is

meant to be.

>> Oh, god. No, don't say that.

>> No, I I I know. But but like what you

you want us to not consider that

possibility?

>> Yeah, it's just it feels like scary. But

>> it it is scary and maybe this is just

the first person that you've come

across. So there's a lot of like

emptiness which this person is filling

in some way. You're projecting a lot.

All that stuff is true too, right? But

you have to have a nice differential of

like this could be the one and this

could be this is your first real

relationship and you're 27 years old.

So, like you don't even know what the

one looks like. This is some kind of

weird like projection or whatever, which

could also be the case. But don't for a

second delude yourself into thinking

this isn't the one because then if you

start thinking that way and you shove

that away, right, then you could really

be screwing things up.

>> That's what I've been doing.

>> Shoving it away.

>> Yeah. Like um when I when I see her and

it's just like cuz cuz we're still in

this ambiguous state that's like

difficult for me to challenge cuz I feel

like I have like an anxious attachment.

So, I have to like the way I described

to my therapist was like as far as

escalation of relationship, it's like

I'm up here when I see her and then I

kind of have to like go back down. But

like I don't know where she's at. She

could be up here or whatever, but I keep

putting myself down like keep shoving my

feelings down cuz I don't want to be too

intense like I said earlier.

>> Yeah. So, I I I think I think that's

where there's there's like there are

other moves.

>> Mhm.

>> Playfulness is really useful in a

situation like this, right? So you have

those feelings and it's not that you

need to shove them down. It's that you

need to let them out. Okay. So So I'll

I'll I mean I used to do this where

where I mean I was hopelessly in love

with my my wife and and didn't realize

it for a while. But you know when I

would go on a date like I would just

>> Yeah.

>> Right. And and then you could and then

be playful. Right. So like speaking of

learning, am I being too intense now?

>> Yeah.

>> Is is this me being intense? Is this too

intense for you? other variables if I

can interrupt.

>> Yeah, please.

>> Well, she's just coming out of a a

relationship. So then it's just it just

feels the dynamic feels weird because of

that.

>> Yeah. So you're running a thousand

calculations a second in your head about

this, aren't you?

>> 100%.

>> Right.

>> I think a thousand's uh putting it

pretty low.

>> Okay. So So I I I think this is where

there's something you got to learn,

which is how to be, right? So, it's not

about doing right or doing wrong, which

is ultimately what you're if you pay

attention to your internal thought

processes, you're trying to not screw up

because she's especially told you you're

trying to she said, "Don't be so

intense." And you're like, "Okay, I'm

not going to be intense."

>> Okay. How do I not be intense?

>> Playfulness. Playfulness.

>> Yeah.

>> Right. So, so you're you're running

calculations now, right? This is an

anxious experience. You're about to come

on. Oh my god, I didn't realize I needed

to pee. Right.

>> Mhm. And and there's genuiness, there's

authenticity, there's playfulness. You

put on the glasses, right? That's the

right energy. You have it within you to

perform the pink magic. You need not

only use the dark magic, right?

>> Yeah. The dark magic is so powerful

though. It's tempting.

>> It is. And so learning to step away from

it is difficult, right? So, so the power

of the dark side is tempting and and

that's what

>> So, I guess I' I've been doing things

right then by not using it, but I just

don't know what to do. So, I'm just kind

of sitting.

>> So, so I I think you have to open

yourself up to making mistakes, right?

You have to signal to her to some degree

that you're trying and and I think it

really is being a little bit like

detached that this feels like the one,

but hey, it may not be. So, you're not

going to push that away, but you're also

going to have sort of like and there's a

cultivation and Allan can help you with

this. S can probably help you with this,

too. and Jana I just don't know as well

as the other two but to just be and like

there's a chance like I we we know you

have feelings which I won't name any

further but and and and and the thought

of heartbreak is really really scary

right so you don't want to screw it up

and that's going to cause you to run a

calculation and then it's going to be

hard to just be but like just be I I

would say if you spend time with her

right I mean it's fine that she's

intense but the intensity so there's a

certain kind of intensity that she's

going to be okay with I would predict I

don't know I've never met her not all

women are the same

I think is is one bro talking to

another. The intensity of using the dark

magic to map hack her soul. Not good.

The intensity of being head over heels

in love with her and letting that

playfulness, that boyishness, that joy

of being in her absolute presence,

right? That absolute joy of just like

being in her presence. And you know,

it's kind of like like, hey, can you

stop smiling so wide? And you're like,

I'm trying really hard, but this is the

highlight of my day.

>> Just like let it out then. But let a

certain part of it out and and give it

that painful playful twist, right? You

don't you don't want to be like, "Oh my

god, we're meant to be together. I have

foreseen it and I feel it and oh my god,

your body is my body and I complete you

and you complete me and I want to wrap

myself all around you and I want you to

wrap

don't don't let that out.

>> I thought you couldn't hurt me through

the screen, but you just did."

>> Yeah. Well, that's you know, it's it's

okay. It's okay.

>> Yeah. Sometimes sometimes like you know

you'll fall harder first and you're

maybe opening yourself up. I mean you

may screw things up and that's okay too.

Like this is part of your journey and

try to have a little bit of perspective

and and like m bro like I'm behind you

to fail spectacularly and like that's

okay. Like I'm so glad you're a part of

this community. I genuinely mean that.

Like I want you to I I want you to admit

to yourself how you feel and that this

could be real and this could be the one.

And like like don't run away from that.

Like that's what we're here for. We're

here to help people like you find the

one and to embrace that. And you've been

alone for who knows how many years and

now you have a chance to not be alone.

And so like run for it, right? Like like

that's amazing and beautiful and embrace

that. And also recognize that you can

embrace it without shoving it onto her.

That is what intensity is.

>> Yeah.

>> You know, and and and be a little bit

like not don't be a dick, but don't go

into therapist mode with her. go go into

like, you know, it's not your job to

help her with her problems. It it's your

job to give her a break from her life.

That's the way you should think about a

date, right? It it's like you're not

there to fix her. You're not there to

coach her. She's got her own problems.

She can handle things by herself. But

when she spends time with you,

>> there should be a microcosm of joy,

playfulness, and and fun, right? You

should be you're she is the highlight of

your day. treat her in such a way where

you become the highlight of hers.

>> Yeah. Yeah. That's I think I have a hard

time like just existing. So it always

feels like I have to do something.

>> Yes.

>> Um so yeah, it's just I don't I don't

know. But I'll do my best because it's

like it just puts me into fight or

flight just existing. And in the past

I've always ran away. That's why this is

my first. So

>> how do you feel about that?

>> Um excited. a bit ashamed of my past.

But yeah, I don't know. It is just

completely different for me. Um, it's

kind of scary, but

>> yeah, I can see the terror. I think

scary is an understatement, right? It's

it's really scary. And like give

yourself a pat on the back and like

understand that like this is what I

mean, you're doing it, bro. And it it

it's scary. I I can't take that terror

away from you. All I can encourage you

to do is like keep moving in that

direction and it you will be grateful

for it, right? like it's going to be

painful and it's going to be scary. And

by the way, like you know, it's hard to

not do things which is like I don't know

if you're familiar with the Dao like

Lasu and and right. So like the Dao is

like I mean not doing things is actually

the primary challenge that most human

beings face. So you're in good company

and like you'll get better at it and

it's scary and that's okay and we love

you and we got your back.

>> Thank you. I appreciate it. And you

know,

>> yeah,

>> if you get married, you better invite

somebody from HG.

>> Oh, shoot. I think my internet dropped.

>> That's okay.

>> Sorry.

>> It's all good.

>> Yeah.

>> No, there we go.

>> Yeah, but Okay. Thanks, Dr. K. I think I

think I got it. I think we got it. So,

>> you got you got this, fam. And if you

don't, we're here to pick up the pieces.

Okay,

>> sounds good.

>> All right. Take care, buddy. Have a good

one.