Ila, you came here today because there's

something you haven't shared.

>> It's something that I have known since I

was little. It's just something that I

honestly didn't really know how to

formally address for a long period of my

life. We're only on this earth for

however long we are here. And I'll be

damned if I'm not able to be fully who I

am.

Hey everyone, welcome back to OnPurpose.

My guest today is Leila Taylor. Many of

you know Ila from her show, The Secret

Lives of Mormon Wives, where she shared

her journey through motherhood, divorce,

dating, and navigating faith in Utah.

Today, she's opening up about

experiences she hasn't fully shared

before and the journey that brought her

into a new chapter today. Please welcome

Ila to OnPurpose. Leila Taylor, welcome

to OnPurpose.

>> Thank you so much. I'm so excited to be

here.

>> I am so grateful that you're here today.

People know your work. They know parts

of your story. They see you on TV. But

you came here today because there's

something you haven't shared before.

>> And I wanted to give you this space and

ask you what's on your heart.

>> Yeah. It's just something that I

honestly didn't really know how to

formally address for a long period of my

life. Um, and that it's I'm gay and I'm

by and date women and men. And it's just

I think growing up I didn't fit in for a

lot of reasons in my childhood. I grew

up in a very predominantly white area

and being a little black girl, I already

stood out so much to my peers and kind

of took that on a lot more than I feel

like I realized. And I always kind of

had these thoughts and I kind of laugh

about it now cuz I would be watching

shows like Pretty Little Liars and I

would watch like Shane Mitchell kissing

a girl. I was like wait like why is that

like hot? But I didn't know like what

those feelings were cuz I didn't have

queer representation around me of like I

could look at it and be like, "Okay,

like this is normal." And it wasn't

necessarily that I had parents or I was

I was Mormon at one point, but I didn't

necessarily have that pressure to not do

that. I just didn't have people around

me that modeled that. And it's just it's

just something that I for a long time

didn't know if it was just

a phase or something that you know maybe

I'm just curious and I would just kind

of underplay it for a long period of my

life. And I don't know I just feel like

I'm finally in the era that I I'm over

not being truly myself and I'm over not

showing every part of Ila to the world.

And yeah, I'm very proud to be by and

I'm very proud now to be out. And I hope

that if anyone's in a situation that I

am as well that for a long time there, I

didn't know if I could come out and

truly be myself, I hope that they can

feel safe to do so and proud to do so.

>> First of all, I'm so happy for you.

>> Thank you.

>> I can't imagine how good it feels to

>> share it out into the world.

This is the first time you've talked

about it publicly, right?

>> Yeah. I haven't addressed it yet.

>> Why was now the right time for Ila to

share this?

>> Honestly, I went through a breakup at

the beginning of this year and I feel

like for just a long period of my life,

I was constantly living my life for

other people, whether if that was, you

know, being a mom or I was in a marriage

at one point. I was married and I just

feel like I was always fulfilling other

people around me. And it honestly just

caused me to never really focus on

myself and never be able to like really

just sit alone with who I am as a person

and my feelings and kind of just really

get to the root of why I felt certain

ways. And I just kind of always just

pushed it aside. And again, just I was

just like, "Oh, this is just like a

phase. Like you're not actually

attracted to girls. Like you're just

you're drunk at a party and you kissed a

girl. Like it's no big deal. Like you're

not you're not gay. Like just ignore

that." And I just feel like I just never

was in a place that I feel like I could

truly authentically focus on it. And I

think honestly that breakup was like a

blessing in disguise cuz I feel like now

I've been fully able to just focus on

Leila and yeah, just focus on who I

truly am.

>> How does it feel to actually say it out

loud and get it off your chest?

>> Good. Honestly, I just feel like it's

like, girl, this should have happened

forever ago. I don't know why for so

long I was so afraid, but it I mean

there are people that are probably going

to judge me and there's people that

aren't going to be supportive of it. And

luckily for me, like I'm in a position

that I'm surrounded by so much love and

so much support. And I know that I

haven't told a lot of people around me

that I am. So this is honestly they're

going to be finding out for themselves

on this podcast. And I know that they're

going to be nothing but supportive

though. And I know that's not the case

for everybody. And I'm so grateful that

I am in the position that I am that I

can truly be myself and feel the love

and support. And I just wish that was

the same for like everyone.

>> Yeah, you're so right. Who Who was the

first person you told?

>> My best friend Kate. Okay.

>> Yeah. We were actually on a trip

together for Miami Swim Week and I was

getting a text from somebody and she's

like, "Who's who's this person like

texting you and calling all the time?"

And I was like, "Oh, like it's no one."

At first, she thought it was my ex and I

was like, "No, like no, I I I'm don't

circle back with exes. It's not an ex."

But I was like and I finally was like,

"Hey, like Kate, I have to I have to

tell you like it's a girl. Like I'm I'm

by she's like, "Oh my gosh, like I'm so

excited for you. Like that's amazing."

So, I she was obviously the best person

for me to tell first because she's just

she just knows me so well and yeah,

she's very supportive.

>> It must be so relieving when the first

person you tell actually sees you.

>> Yeah. Yeah. I feel like

>> she's just like, "Okay, awesome." Like,

"Cool." I don't know. I just feel like

she didn't really like care. Not in a

bad way, but she's like, "Okay,

awesome." Like, "I'm glad that you know

you're happy. That's all I care about."

>> Yeah. Have you shared this with any of

the other cast members of Secret Lives?

>> No, we've been kind of not in a bad

place, any of us girls. I know that

there's some friendships that are like

in different places than they have been

in the past, but I think right now we've

just been kind of a little separate

since just, you know, going on that

pause from filming and everything like

that. So, I just haven't seen any of

them in person. And I feel like me

coming out, it's not really like a text

of like, "Hey, I'm bye." Feel like I

kind of want to see them in person to

like let them know. So they might see

this before and then I'll talk to them

in person the next time I see them. But

yeah, right now no one no one from the

group knows.

>> Wow. How do you hope they'll react or do

you have no expectation?

>> I think supportive. I don't think that

anyone would not be. I think that I

lucked out with like a cast that we all

have our things and we're all supportive

of each other regardless.

>> That's actually amazing.

>> It's awesome. I'm really I'm lucky for

the group of girls that we have.

>> Yeah, that's incredible. Tell me about

the first time you've realized you were

into both men and women.

>> I feel like I can't like necessarily

pinpoint those kind of like those

memories that I said that I was like

watching Pretty Little Liars and I was

like okay like huh or just like you know

again like I would have like drunk

moments. I would like kiss a girl but I

would get always just downplay it. But

it wasn't until recently actually that

the girl that I'm talking to right now

DM'd me and then we met up and we hung

out and it was just kind of like that

first kiss of like it wasn't this wasn't

like a drunk moment like this was me

intentionally going into a moment

knowing how I felt about women and the

first time you know actively dating a

woman that I was like okay like this is

what I want to do also. So, I think it

was like that moment that it wasn't just

like a oo gotcha moment and like a this

is where I want to be.

>> Wait, did she just send you a DM hoping

that you would

>> Yeah. Yeah. So, I actually I liked one

of her TikToks that it was like I don't

even know what it was. I think it was

just something it was a thirst trap or

something and I like liked it and she

ended up just sending me like eye emojis

and I was like, "Hey." So, I don't know.

She just went on a whim. She told me

she's like, "I didn't know if you were

cuz I feel like on my page you can't

obviously I feel like no one would know

that I am into girls. Obviously not

until now." She just kind of went on a

whim. Maybe like a gut feeling. And I'm

Yeah, I'm really glad she did. So,

>> wow. That's awesome. Wow. Look at you.

That's like you you haven't even got out

there yet. That's amazing.

>> Did you talk about sexuality growing up?

Like was that a conversation in your

family in your home?

>> No, not at all. I think honestly that's

one of the reasons why I probably got

pregnant at such young young age. I got

pregnant when I was 19 and I feel like

it wasn't necessarily something that

they avoided cuz I feel like there was

like some moments that they would make

small little comments but they never

really sat me down like ever had like a

talk about anything so I kind of just

figured out everything on my own.

>> Wow. When you look back now at that time

>> what do you wish little Ila had that was

different?

>> I think just a little bit more support.

I think I spent a lot of my childhood

hiding things from my parents cuz I was

just really afraid of like their

reactions. just even small small things

like I lost my virginity when I was 15

and that was something my parents

probably still to this day don't even

know and I was very like terrified to

tell them like little small details so

even like these when I started to like

have these feelings and have you know

these thoughts I would have never gone

to them in a million years and I think

that's honestly probably why for such a

long time I felt like I had to stay

closeted cuz I just didn't have the

support system around me that I wish you

know as a child that I did have

>> and was that around the same time as

Mormonism came into your life as well.

>> Yeah. So, I converted to the church when

I was 16.

>> Wow.

>> What was it about losing your virginity

at 15 and converting at 16?

>> I feel like I kind of went through like

a I don't even know, just like a phase

that I was kind of rebelling a little

bit from like probably like 14 to like

right before I converted. And I don't

know, it just kind of set me back on

track for like a second. But I was still

kind of doing I was still like sleeping

with my boyfriends in high school and

stuff like that. It almost just kind of

gave me a little bit of like a moral

compass I feel like I didn't necessarily

have before.

>> I can relate to some degree because I

got deep into spirituality when I was 18

years old and I obviously went and lived

as a monk after, but it became part of

my life so young.

>> I have such a love for the wisdom I

learned and I have such a love for my

teachers, but

>> I'm not as much of a fan of the

institution.

>> Yeah.

>> And it's just a really interesting

experience as I've got older and older

and older. I'm older than you, but as

I've got older and older and older from

that stage, it's just I have such an

interesting relationship at that time in

my life. And I'm like, what what was it

that you were seeking apart from

rebellion? What were you seeking at that

time that Mormonism met or or made you

feel?

>> I think for me, one of my biggest things

just having a very messy childhood where

I didn't have that family consistency

that like a lot of families did have in

the Mormon church. I feel like I spent a

lot of times at my friends houses kind

of avoiding what was going on at home.

And I feel like a common theme I would

notice between all of them was how

strong their families seemed together.

So I think just being 16 and being young

and kind of optimistic about the world,

I was like, "Hey, like I'm missing that

one thing that would make me have a

happy family one day, and that's being

Mormon." So I just it was everyone

around me is Mormon. I think 98% of my

school was enrolled in seminary, which

is like an hour block in your schedule

that you can go and like learn more

about the church. So, everyone around me

is Mormon is like all that I knew. And I

just thought that that was that was the

way that you're supposed to live life.

>> Yeah. When you look back on that, what

what are the lessons that you feel have

really improved your life, bettered your

life, things that have stayed, and then

the things that you're like, I need to

unlearn that, need to leave that behind?

>> I honestly I feel like I didn't really

take a lot away from my experience being

Mormon. I think I would go to sacrament

meetings and I would try my best to like

attend, but I just feel like my heart

was never fully in it. I was really only

just there to fit in and to just have

one less thing that people would notice

was different than my peers, you know,

like already being black and like, you

know, having these thoughts in the back

of my head of like liking girls but not

wanting to admit it. It was just like

one more thing. And I was like, "Hey, if

I check this box off, I'll fit in a

little bit more with everyone around

me." So, I honestly I don't feel like I

really took a lot out of going to

church. I truly would just show up to

say that I was there. And yeah, like but

it pulled me out of a really dark place.

I was dealing with a lot of mental

health issues in high school and

obviously dealing with things at home.

So it gave me a lot of purpose to kind

of keep going and to have motivation

that it was going to work out. So I am

grateful for the church in a lot of ways

just cuz it did pull me out of that dark

place that I honestly don't think I

could have pulled myself out of on my

own. Obviously, there's a lot of things

within the church that I mean, now being

openly gay, like obviously that's not

something that they're supportive of.

So, there's a lot of things that like I

don't love and I wasn't obviously aware

of them at the time when I was little

and converting. Um, but I'll always be

grateful for the positive impact it had

on me.

>> It's such a natural experience when

we're in our teenage years to just want

to fit in.

>> Yes. Exactly. just want to belong to a

place where you don't feel different,

you don't feel otherred, you don't feel

>> like there's something hard to

understand about you. And you mentioned

then, I know you've talked about it on

the show as well, being a black woman in

predominantly white areas, white

experiences.

Talk to me about what that experience

was like for you. Like what were the

questions in your head or what were the

things that you were struggling with,

grappling with internally? I think I

just didn't have a lot of black peers

around me. So, it's just all I saw was

just pretty blonde girls with blonde

hair and blue eyes or green eyes. And I

just think being young and very

impressionable, that's what I honestly

for a long time thought that that was

the definition of beauty. I truly

thought that that was what I needed to

like look like to fit in and for guys to

like me and all those things. And it was

just so sad. I remember one of my like

worst experiences in high school is one

night I actually attempted to bleach my

skin, which is so sad

>> that I even did that, but I just thought

I had to do all these extremes just to

fit in. And I just wish that someone

would have just told me that I was

pretty and that I was worthy regardless

of what color my skin was. And just

because I don't look like people around

me doesn't mean that I'm any less than

them. Honestly, no. But being a mom, I

feel like having little boys of my own

that look up to me, I'll make sure that

they have those affirmations about

themselves that like I wasn't taught.

And it's just honestly taught me how to

be a better mom.

>> Wow. Talk to me about the process of

even trying to bleach your skin. Like

how did that

>> even come about?

>> I just again me just being little. I was

like 10. I thought that if I drew a bath

and I put a bunch of bleach in it and

then I sat in the bath and scrubbed, it

would like cause my skin to lighten. I

just think I I was just very young. I

didn't know how that would work, but

just anything I could possibly do to

like fit in, I wanted to try to do. I

mean, even just like my hair, I went on

to this on my show of me kind of just

finally like owning me being black and

experimenting with my hair, but my whole

entire life growing up, my mom taught me

that my curly hair was just hard to

manage for her. So, the second that she

could, she started straightening my

hair, and that's all I knew for a long

time was just, okay, just straighten

your hair. Like, don't if it starts to

get curly, like straighten it really

quick. again like you don't want people

to know that your hair is like actually

naturally curly and has texture and it's

something that I hid for a long time. So

I just think any part of myself that

would show that I was black I was so

afraid to and that breaks my heart to

say but I think it's caused me to do a

complete 180 now being even though it

did take me 25 years to get to this

point that I'm so incredibly proud to be

black and to represent a huge community

of the world on the show. I feel like

I'm in such a unique position being the

only black cast member and I'm just

really really proud to be able to

represent a lot of people.

>> Talk to me about that journey from was

it a sense of shame? Was it or was it

just a sense of feeling otherred and

different

>> and then how do you even get from going

there to actually developing a sense of

as you just so beautifully said a sense

of pride a sense of representation a

sense of I actually am standing for

something and that's more important than

fitting in. Talk to me about that

journey that you've been on.

>> I mean, it was hard. I think again, I

would just shy away from anything that

made me feel different. And I honestly

think the biggest shift for me was

having my own kids cuz they're a quarter

black. But either way, they're still

black. And I don't want them to feel the

things that I felt. And just seeing them

and, you know, seeing how beautiful they

are and, you know, I want them to be

proud of themselves and proud of every

single part of themselves. And I can't

do that if I'm not proud of me. And I

think that was where the big shift for

me happened. And yeah, I mean, it was a

hard thing. I remember the first time I

wore a wig, I was like, "Oh my, take it

off. Like, I hate this." I just, it felt

so foreign to me. But I think the more

I've been doing it and the more I've

just been fully just loving myself. I

like love it and I love, you know, just

owning me fully. I love hearing about

how your kids have inspired you to

>> to want to stand on your own two feet

and really represent who you want to be

and what you believe in and for them to

experience that and it's fascinating how

when you're caring for a little person,

there's almost like all of these lessons

and reflections that almost make sense

almost immediately.

>> I feel like it just honestly alters the

way you just handle life and you go

forward and just Yeah, it changes the

way you think about a lot of things. You

got pregnant at 19.

>> What was your emotion like when you

first find out?

>> Oh, terrified. I actually have kind of

like It's funny now in the moment. It

was not funny. I was obviously not being

safe with my boyfriend now or ex-husband

now. Um, and I knew what, you know,

would potentially happen if we weren't

being, you know, safe. But I didn't

think it was a possibility that I would

actually be pregnant. And I went to an

urgent care because I thought I had some

type of weird stomach bug and they're

like, "Is there a possibility that

you're pregnant?" I was like, "No,

there's there's like literally no way

I'm pregnant." Like, "No, no, that

wouldn't happen." And they ended up

testing me. That's how I found out was

in an urgent care on my own by myself in

Provo, Utah. And it was the most

terrifying day of my life at that point.

I didn't have a lot of family support. I

was kind of not isolated in Utah, but my

boyfriend at the time was like all I

really like had. So when I found out I

was like, "Okay, like I don't know what

I'm going to do at that point." Like I

didn't know if like I should move

forward with pregnancy. I don't know if

I should put the baby up for adoption. I

didn't know if I should marry this guy,

date this. I didn't know what to do. I

think I had so many questions in my head

and didn't know how to proceed. But I

they changed my life, both my kids, for

the better. And I'm so so grateful to be

their mom. But it's definitely a

terrifying experience to get pregnant

when you don't really have the support

around you at such like an young age.

How did you decide that marriage was the

option and not to actually open yourself

up to other experiences or explore?

>> In my head, I felt like I almost messed

up some steps by getting pregnant before

we were married that I was like, "Hey,

at least like let me give my family like

a chance of us being together." I think

coming from a broken household and

experiencing divorce and kind of the

very toxic dynamic my parents had

growing up with each other, I wanted the

opposite of that for my kids. And I

think just being so terrified of being a

single mom, I was like, "Okay, like I I

have to marry him." And now I'm a single

mom. So obviously that didn't, you know,

pan out exactly how I was envisioning

it, too. But I'm still happy that we

gave it a shot. I think that obviously,

you know, divorce isn't easy and it's

not fun. Um, but if we wouldn't have

gotten married, I wouldn't have had my

second baby. So I think everything

happens for a reason.

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can feel better and live better. It

feels like you've lived so much life.

>> Yeah.

>> In like such a short amount of time.

>> Whether it's conversion, whether it's

becoming a mom, whether it's

>> moving from dating to marriage. Like

there's so many. I mean,

>> when you look back on it now, do you

kind of go, God, how did I even do all

of that?

>> Oh yeah. Sometimes I'm like, I don't

know how I'm still standing. But I think

it made me who I am. I wouldn't take

back anything that I've experienced in

my life. I feel like truly I've been put

through those challenges to be able to

help other people. I say this all the

time, but I feel like having a platform,

you're put in a position that you can

use your platform for good or bad. And

truly, if I'm able to just help one

person by sharing my story, I feel like

that's why I do what I do. And yeah, I'm

just everything has led me to where I am

today. And I wouldn't change a thing.

>> Yeah. You've said that at one point your

marriage became manipulative. Yeah.

>> Was that something that was always there

and you kind of ignored it and didn't

notice it or was it something that kind

of came later on?

>> No, unfortunately we had a very toxic

relationship from the start. I just

think that we never really knew each

other on a deeper level. I think it was

very surface level for a long time and

then when we got pregnant it was just

kind of we felt like we had to get

married like I said. Um, and I just

think we never had the proper foundation

of a relationship to be able to, you

know, withstand being married and, you

know, taking on challenges that you

obviously occur that occur when you're

married. So, I think it was always

there, but I was so scared of being a

single mom that I was like, "Okay, this

is this is what I have to do." Like,

make your husband happy, you know, take

care of the home, have the babies, take

care of the babies. And that's kind of

all that I was doing for that time that

I was married. So, I just think I

ignored everything. You were saying a

few moments ago that you didn't want to

be a single mom. That's why and you were

like, I deserve to give this a shot,

which is why you got married.

>> I can't then fathom how hard it was when

you're like, well, this isn't working.

It's toxic. It's manipulative, but the

only other option is being single. What

was the final

straw that made you go, "No, it's okay

to accept this fear." The reason I'm

asking is there's a beautiful piece of

Zen wisdom that says that we'd rather

accept the pain we know than the pain we

don't.

>> And so the pain you have right now when

it's toxic and manipulative, it's like,

>> well, that's better than leaving and

being alone. And a lot of people stay in

jobs, relationships with parents, family

for so much longer.

>> Do you think you stayed too long? And

what made you shift finally? What was it

that really made you go, I'm willing to

accept the uncertainty?

>> I honestly I don't think I stayed for

too long. I feel like I truly wanted to

step away from the marriage knowing that

I gave it my all and attempted as much

as I could to, you know, put in place

more healthy coping mechanisms when

they're going through fights and like

all these things. I feel like I just

wanted to make sure that like I really

gave it my all. And I think my final

straw was just the word divorce would be

held over my head a lot. And I think he

just knew that that was my biggest fear

coming from a broken household and

seeing that happen in front of me as a

little girl. I think that that was just

terrifying for me, that concept. And it

was kind of a way to get me to fall into

line of like where I think he wanted me

to behave. And I think he just said it

for the final time that I was like, I

can't keep begging you to stay with me.

I know my worth and I know that like I

am a good partner and if you can't see

that, then like it's okay. Um, and I'll

always have a place for him in my heart.

I think that he is a phenomenal dad.

Truly one of the best dads I've ever

like seen and witnessing him love my

boys is amazing. But I think in terms of

just us working out as a partner. Um it

just wasn't for us. But yeah.

>> What was his reaction when you told him

that?

>> Like the he was actually the one that

brought it up and normally I would kind

of fight back and I was like no don't do

this. Like let's talk this out. Like

let's go to therapy. Let's do this.

Let's do that. But he just said it for

the final time that I was like okay yeah

like you're right. um probably go pack

your stuff and we'll start to figure out

like the next steps. So, I think his

reaction wasn't what he expected me to

do. I think he normally he was just used

to me just begging and graveling and

wanting this to work and all the things.

So, I think when I finally was like,

"You're right. Like, let's let's make

this happen." I think it probably caught

him off guard. But, I mean, I think he

had to have known deep down like enough

would have been enough at some point.

>> Gosh. When you finally left and were a

single mom, how did it feel compared to

how you thought it would feel to be

free?

>> I think there was so much good around

it. Like I wasn't in a toxic

relationship. And you know, like me and

my babies got like this fun little night

routine that we would do every night,

but there was also so much hard things

that came at the beginning of my single

motherhood journey.

>> Tell me about this.

>> Yeah, I didn't for a little bit there. I

didn't have an income. This was before

the show came to be and before I started

making money on brand deals. And there

was time periods that I was borrowing

money from family and I would be grocery

shopping and I would buy $30 worth of

groceries for the whole week. And my

kids would get food, but I would eat

like their scraps after they ate cuz I

couldn't afford to buy that. And I was

getting eviction notices flopped on my

door. And this was right around the time

that we started filming for the show.

So, while all this was happening behind

the scenes and I was terrified to let

anyone know cuz I was so embarrassed

that I was like mad at myself. I was

like, "You should have just stayed

married. At least at least married, you

had food on the table. At least married

your lights weren't getting shut off. At

least married you could pay your rent."

So, it was almost like a shame thing

that I was Why did you do this? You

should have just stayed with him because

now look at you now. And I was trying to

almost keep up a facade cuz I was just

embarrassed to tell the girls. I don't

honestly even think that some of them

know this to this day of like how badly

I was struggling at the beginning and

then I was showing up to filming every

day trying to slap a smile on my face

not letting anyone know what was

happening behind the scenes. So I think

yeah my start of single motherhood was

not good and I'm very very grateful to

be in the position that I am now. I

can't even put into words how grateful I

am for the show and for the people

around me like my team that you know

they believed in me from the start and

have been by my side throughout all of

this. Um, it Yeah, it was definitely a

rocky start, but grateful for it though.

It taught me a lot.

>> God, I had no idea.

>> Yeah,

>> that I mean, you're saying it with a

smile on your face right now, but

>> yeah, I think it just taught me a lot

and it taught me to be very, very

grateful for what I have. I will never

ever take for granted the position that

I'm in. I think it will never feel real.

even just doing small things that coming

today to do this podcast and being able

to like buy a flight for myself. That's

something that, you know, when I was at

the start of single motherhood, I

wouldn't have ne never been able to do.

And yeah, I just I'm just so so grateful

and I feel like that's why I'm able to

look at it, you know, positively now is

that I've seen how hard it can be and

I'm just really grateful that I got to

the other side.

>> Talk to me about a night during that

time which was the worst night. like the

memory that when you think about it, you

were at rock bottom.

>> I don't even know. There's just so many

nights that I would just sit there just

thinking and questioning how I was going

to keep going for The Boys. And there's

times that like I was debating just

texting my ex and being like, "Hey, like

I need you to like take the kids and I

might need to go move in with my

sister." Like I just at that point I

didn't know how to continue on the road

that I was on. And it was scary cuz all

I wanted to do is just be a mom for them

and to show up for them because that's

what they deserve. of their innocent

little babies. They deserve to like not

have to worry about where their next

meal was coming from. And it was hard

and it was scary cuz I just also just

didn't want to tell anyone around me cuz

it was just a lot of embarrassment. And

I shouldn't have been embarrassed. I

wish I would have asked for help from

more people. But I think I'm such a not

prideful person, but it's just so hard

for me to ask for help. I think growing

up I never asked for help from like my

parents for small things. When I was

dealing with my mental health issues, I

really had no idea when I was dealing

with my eating disorder issues. I had no

idea. So, I think I've just been like

ingrained since a little girl to just

kind of like shut your mouth and suck it

up and it'll maybe work out. And yeah, I

think just yeah, there's just a lot of

nights of just I didn't know how I was

going to move forward.

>> Yeah, thank you for sharing that. I

mean, I I feel like we don't realize how

easy it is to end up in a position like

that and how difficult it is. And that's

why so many of us will stay longer in

relationships or wherever we are because

the alternative is a path that you're

like,

>> why did I do this to myself? Like, why

am I putting myself through this pain?

>> When did you start to be open to the

idea of dating again and meeting someone

new? And how were you starting to

navigate that? Honestly, I dated pretty

quickly after me and my ex separated. I

think for a long period of my life, I

used to seek validation and other people

really bad. And I think it was almost

like because I had those, you know,

those abandonment wounds that I, you

know, suffered from from when I was a

little girl. I just always put my self

worth into how other people viewed me

and how other people perceived me. And I

think I would put that a lot into my

partners. So, I just feel like I never

really knew how to be alone. And that

honestly it would like scare me like I

don't have someone that I can like rely

on all the time. Not even just like you

know physically or like you know

financially. It's more just like

emotional like I didn't want to be alone

with my thoughts. I didn't want to be

alone in general. And I think I would

just always jump into relationships and

I feel like I would see comments on life

people like oh just she's in another

relationship other every other season.

Like I actually like you guys are right

for that. Honestly, there was a long

period of my life that I just felt like

I couldn't be alone with myself. And

that's, you know, that led me to not be

able to be authentic to me because I

didn't know who I was for such a long

time.

>> Do you think you feel more comfortable

being alone now?

>> Oh, yeah. I feel like I honestly value

my alone time. I feel like that's how

how I've been able to come, you know, to

the conclusion and, you know, finally

accept that I am by. And I wouldn't have

been able to do that if I was with

somebody. So, I really do value my alone

time. I feel like it's given me a lot of

perspective and just yeah, being able to

find out who I am.

>> What was it about being alone that gave

you that confidence to look within and

actually be comfortable with saying that

out loud?

>> Yeah, I think again just not living for

other people and just being able to

fully

focus on me and I don't know, I feel

like Yeah, just not having to do things

for other people's approval I feel like

really helped me. Yeah. It's only when

you switch off all the noise from

outside that you can actually hear your

inner voice.

>> And then when it gets louder, you

realize, oh, that's what I should have

been listening to all along.

>> Not listen to all of these other

opinions and ideas and expectations and

everything else everyone wants me to do.

But you're so right. You have to find

that alone time. And

>> I often ask people how many months in

their life they've actually spent alone.

And when I say alone, I don't mean

>> dating, pursuing with someone. I mean,

where you weren't thinking about that.

>> Yeah.

>> And it's quite shocking to me that if

you speak to an adult, they'll be

they'll be like weeks like people are

constantly looking for relationships or

in one and you don't actually get the

space to do what you just said.

>> 100%. Yeah. It's it's hard to be alone

and it's hard to be like alone with your

thoughts and to be able to just feel

emotions, especially like post breakup.

there's people that, you know, rebound

and do those things to kind of like, you

know, mute those thoughts that you have

and all those things. And yeah, I just

think it's very, it's really good to be

alone sometimes.

>> One of the story lines on the show is

this idea that you're not satisfied by

your male sexual partners.

>> Was that difficult to say out loud? Like

were you scared to

>> I honestly when I said it in the moment

I was just I forget that the cameras are

there half of the time and I'll just be

like oh I'm just like with my girls and

I just shared something I didn't think

it would have the impact that it did

until the season came out and I had so

many DMs of women being like I haven't

and thank you for sharing this and

making me feel less, you know, alone in

that situation. And yeah, I just didn't

think it was going to be such a big

thing for me to share. And probably a

good thing that I didn't realize that in

the moment cuz then I probably like, "Oh

my god, no wait, cut that." But I'm I'm

glad that I did cuz I feel like it

opened up a really big conversation for

people that have dealt with that.

>> Talk to me about that wider conversation

because I think it's almost like all

those men are going to feel terrible

about themselves obviously.

>> Yeah. I mean, it wasn't I did get some

comments like that of people being like

like I feel so bad for her exes and like

that wasn't my intentions to like throw

them under the bus. Yeah. And be like,

"Yeah, you like never made me." It was

more of just like kind of breaking that

taboo that I think especially I don't

know if everyone feels this way but I

think for me dating men for so long I

would view sex as I needed to make sure

the man always was pleasured every

single time and like I don't really

matter as long as like they're good and

taken care of and like it's good and

like that's all in my head I thought sex

was for such a long time and it opened

up that conversation that I feel like a

lot of people felt the same way and

Yeah,

>> it's such a fascinating conversation

because of how patriarchal society has

wired us, how porn is wired us.

>> A lot of that is so wired that way and

geared that way that sadly it naturally

ends up resulting in how we feel sexes

in real life. And I think men are kind

of trained in that way and conditioned

to think that. And then like you said,

women end up getting trained that way.

>> And then you end up in this position

where until someone calls it out.

>> Yeah. And I didn't realize that it was

like a thing. I just I was like I I

didn't even know what it felt like cuz I

have never experienced that. And knowing

that like people are like, "Oh no, like

my boyfriend makes sure that every

single time I do, I'm like, what are you

talking about?" Like I I just never

experienced that because I just didn't

think that that's how it worked. And I

think it also relates back to what I

said earlier like I didn't have like the

birds in the bee conversation with my

parents. Like I didn't know how any of

that worked. And I think that probably

led to that as well of me just having

like this

>> preconceived idea of what sex was in my

head for such a long time.

>> It's almost like when you were pregnant

from having sex was the first time you

actually

>> honestly. Yeah. Cuz like I knew what it

was. Like I know like how sex should

like end, but like I just didn't know

like the details I guess.

>> Yeah. Yeah. Sex education in America

obviously isn't doing any good.

>> Yeah. at school. Like it's I think about

that all the time. I'm just like how is

it that it's taught so poorly in schools

and no one really has a clue?

>> Yeah. I didn't get any sex classes

growing up.

>> Oh, you didn't? Not at all.

>> Not one. Yeah.

>> So I I think it just

>> is that because of where No.

>> I think maybe where I grew up was again

like very predominantly Mormon. And I

just think that again people a lot of

people think that if you don't address

it then like people won't be curious

about it. But I think if anything it at

least from me and my perspective being

you know very young and having sex for

the first time I think it made me more

curious if anything. So I think me going

now being a parent like I want to

address these things with my kids and

address and be like we're all going to

have those urges and like this is what

you do if you're in this situation and

like teach them how to have safe sex and

all the things. So again, I think all my

experiences in life have just really led

me to rewire my brain on how I want to

be a parent and hopefully, you know,

other people same thing cuz I think

yeah, my faults, not that they're

faults, but I think those experiences

have led me to want to kind of do things

differently.

>> What's the Mormon approach to sex?

>> Don't have it until you're married.

>> Okay.

>> Yeah. Yeah. But then still kind of the

point of sex a little bit when you're

Mormon is just to procreate,

>> right? not really for the enjoyment. I

don't know, maybe some people would like

argue differently with that. But I know

like a lot of members of the church that

don't even have like toys or like they

things like that like they it's just

literally just to make babies for some

people which is unfortunate cuz I think

it's you know a great thing and

>> and do people actually follow through

with that

>> with

>> like are there are people in the church

actually stay strict to that?

>> I think so. Yeah. Like a lot of people I

know,

>> you know, the first time they have sex

is when they get married and

>> they get pregnant really fast and all

the things, which I also think is, you

know, that's what we're taught is to

just make babies. So

>> I saw in a lot of religious institutions

the opposite where it was there was the

rule of no sex before marriage. And then

there was the same as what you're

saying, only for procreation, but the

majority of people were still having

sex. They just wouldn't tell anyone.

>> So then there was like this shame and

guilt attached to it. and everyone's

pretending.

>> Yeah.

>> But saying that they're not because

that's what the standard is. And it's

fascinating to me how you kind of get

stuck in these

anti-authenticity loops

>> where you think you're being authentic

because you're trying to live up to this

ideal,

>> but then no one's actually living up to

it and we're all pretending we are. So,

>> I've always found it so interesting how

humans because this isn't about it

actually isn't about religion or God.

It's how humans can gather to kind of

set a standard and people either pretend

to live up to the standard or they don't

know what to do with it.

>> Yeah. And they fake it. Kind of keeping

up with the Joneses, I feel like, is

like a phrase that we have in Utah that

everyone, you know, we all have our

secrets and like our things that we

don't share. And it's just kind of to

keep it that facade that you, you know,

are this perfect member.

>> Yeah. When did you let go of that

wanting to be the perfect member?

>> I haven't been active probably for

four or five years now, but when I was

married, u me and my ex would go

sometimes like here and there, but we

weren't really active members either. It

was again kind of the same thing to kind

of keep the facade up and you know keep

with what we thought we had to do. But

when we separated, I was like, "Okay,

like I finally am like I'm able to not

have to keep up this facade that I know

that I tr truly don't believe in," which

was Yeah, that was nice.

>> How did you decide that you were finally

ready to start dating women?

>> I don't know like there was like an

exact moment that I remember like it

just like dawned on me. I think

just it felt right. Mhm. But did you

feel like there was you said earlier

like there was this sense of

>> like you you should have done this the

whole time

>> like is there a sense of like lost time

or that I held myself back?

>> I think everything played out how like

it was supposed to. I think obviously I

wish I would have, you know, came out a

lot sooner, but I also think I was going

through so much that it would have been

still swept under the rug like it did

for so long. I just think a lot of

things just were not more important in

that moment, but just took precedence a

little bit, like becoming a single mom

and like things that I dealt with in

childhood and all those things. I just

think it just never felt like the right

time to like just dive into it. And I

think honestly just like the concept of

coming out in general is just kind of

something that I've never really

understood. And obviously like I can

hold space for people that like are

taught either in their homes or like in

their religions that you know love is

between a man and a woman, but I think

the concept that we're all just born

straight is something that like I've

never been able to fully like

conceptualize. And coming out and just

having to say like I like girls and boys

is just I never could see myself like

sitting down at a podcast and saying

this, but I also understand like the

position that I'm in that there's so

many people that look up to me and

maybe, you know, resonate with my story.

And if I can help someone feel just more

comfortable to be able to be true to

themselves, then I want to do that. But

yeah, I feel like I just never could

picture myself like coming out in this

way, I just thought that maybe I would

just show up with a girl one day and

people would be like, "Oh." And I'd be

like, "Yeah, what what about it?" But

yeah, so I just think I just never had

like an idea in my head of like when it

was going to happen. I just think I just

always thought it was going to happen at

some point.

>> What was your like biggest fear in your

mind with what it would feel like to

come out? Like what was the thing that

you were like, I keep getting close.

>> Yeah. I'm about to say it. I'm about to

act on it, but I this keeps blocking me.

>> I think it was just so foreign for me

because I, you know, dated for men for

so long, my whole entire life. And

that's all I knew. Like I obviously had

like, you know, experiences with women,

but like I never in depth, you know, got

to know women on like a intimate level

and all those things. So I think for me

for so long it was just very foreign and

scary. Um, but I think, you know, you

can't get over that without getting

through it. And I think I just was like,

"Hey, like you know that you are. Stop

being like scared of like the whatifs

and like the unknown and just you could

just got to dive in." So,

>> yeah. What What surprised you about

dating women compared to men?

>> Oh my gosh. Everything. Not like

surprised me, but like already just like

more like emotionally aware about

certain things and very patient. I feel

like at least who I'm talking to right

now, she's just been very understanding

and kind of letting me take this at my

own pace because it is just so foreign

to me and it is so so new. Um, and yeah,

I just think the level of like

understanding and just like being there

for me. Yeah.

>> How do you feel about certain people who

may disagree, may not be happy about it,

may have different views? Like I'm sure

you've thought about that and had to

think about it being so public and

>> yeah I think I have tried to like play

by the books you know in certain ways. I

feel like looking back on like my

experience even on the show, I feel like

season one and season two, I tried so

hard to do everything right and I still

had people that hated me. And now, you

know, being more vocal and being more

outspoken, I still have people that hate

me. And I just think we're only on this

earth for, you know, however long we are

here. And I'll be damned if like I'm not

able to be fully who I am. And if you

don't like that, then that's okay. And I

can understand if like you were raised a

certain way and you have certain values

and standards maybe. But I think for me,

I just Yeah, I just it shouldn't bug you

if people choose to love whoever they

want to love. I think it's just it's

nobody's nobody's business at the end of

the day.

>> Yeah. Is there is there any of it that

does affect you or get through to you? I

know. I know. For me,

there's always there's always something

that kind of just like creeps through

and you're like, "Oh, man." Like, I just

I wish like I always say, I wish I could

sit everyone down and tell them what my

intention was and how I feel and who I

am. And if they got to spend like an

hour with me, then maybe they'd feel

different. But is there anything that

ever just like gets to you sometimes and

you're like, "Oh, this keeps me up at

night." I think the only insult that

people can ever say to me that like

actually like is like that hurt a little

bit is anything to do with parenting. I

think that's like the one thing that I'm

like I'm so protective over my baby. So

that's something that like I didn't get

growing up and I think that's the one

thing that will always just kind of hit

home is if someone says something about

like my parenting. I think everything

else like looks say what you want to

say. Now if I'm being gay and that

offends you say what you want to say but

I'm like my babies don't say anything

about them ever.

>> Yeah. I feel and I feel like the

internet is good at talking about

everyone's babies and mothering

motherhood.

I feel like

>> I get it's so I can't imagine how hard

that is as a mom or a dad or a parent.

Like I can't imagine how difficult that

is because everyone's kind of telling

you like this is the right way and

that's wrong and

>> yeah,

>> I mean that seems exhausting.

>> Yeah. I think parenting is just it's

such a one-off experience for every

single person. Like every child is

different, every parent's different. And

there's no textbook for how to parent

properly. There's no textbook of how to

handle situations of, you know, how to

just be a parent. It's hard. It's it's

challenging every single day. It teaches

me new things about myself that I didn't

even know before. And yeah, I think

that's the one thing that I'm like just

parents, we're doing our best. And

ultimately just as long as your kids

health and you know mental health is

being protected in the day and they're

happy and healthy that's all that

matters. So

>> you've you've mentioned that for your

kids right now. You've talked about

health and mental health a couple of

times. Like what do you do for yours and

your kids health and mental health? Like

what are the priorities?

>> Definitely a lot of affirmations. I

didn't really hear a lot of that growing

up. I feel like I honestly had very

negative selfworth. I don't think I

know. I had very negative self-worth for

a long time cuz I felt like I heard the

opposite a lot growing up. Even just

small things like my mom would be

looking in the mirror and she's like,

"Oh, I'm so fat or this or my dad would

say, you know, mean comments to my mom."

So, I just felt like I never heard

positive selft talk about themselves or

others around them. And I think my

biggest thing for my boys that we do

like affirmations that like I have them

sit in front of the mirror and say like,

"I'm handsome and I'm smart and I'm

loved and I'm cared for and like all

these things that kind of just like set

their mind already of just being

grateful and loving themselves." I think

that that's just so important and that

honestly can set you up for success in

your life in so many ways. Whether

that's, you know, your career path,

school, um, confidence in sports, you

know, confidence in relationships, just

so many things. I just think that

uplifting yourself is so so important

and so undervalued.

And I just think that that's like my

biggest thing with my boys. I just want

them to love themselves and love

everyone around them and just be good

people.

>> That makes sense. And when you said

selfworth, I was wondering, talk to me

about the moments in your life where you

experienced low selfworth.

>> A lot of it stemmed from, like I

mentioned, just growing up just being

the only black kid in a room full of 30

students and I'm the only only kid there

that's black. I think that triggered a

lot in me just not valuing myself and my

individuality. But I think also I

struggled with an eating disorder um

throughout high school and then it

resurfaced here about probably

a year ago and I feel like I'm kind of

in remission from it right now. Um, and

I'm really really proud of myself for

getting that to that point again. But I

think I've always had a very jaded

perspective of, you know, my worth and

my image and all those things. And I

think I'm finally in a position that I

am realizing that like again those those

negative selft talks can affect my

children and they view their mommy as

beautiful and kind and you know all

these good things and I want to be able

to say those things about myself back

and I try to look at myself as like a

little girl that I would never like see

a little girl saying there be like

you're ugly or you're fat or no one

likes you at school. Like I would never

do that. So, I try to talk to myself as

if I was like that little girl.

>> I have such a concern for young women

right now, especially in terms of what

they're exposed to online, the name

calling, the criticism of women's

bodies. It just it just feels like we

we're going backwards.

>> Like, we haven't gone in the right

direction.

>> And I can't imagine what it feels like

to be a mom and have kids. And whether

they're young boys or young girls or

>> young children that are having to grow

up right now and be exposed to all of

that, I'm like, I'm sure you feel so

protective. But also, what do you do?

>> Yeah, I think it's inevitable, but

hopefully setting them up with the right

tools to handle those things properly, I

think, is what I'm trying to do for my

kids. I think I don't think I would have

maybe not experienced the things that I

would have or I did. I mean either which

way I couldn't change the circumstances

of where I grew up. But if I had those,

you know, coping mechanisms that were

healthy, I think I would have been able

to overcome those a lot better than I

did. Um, so I think just being able to

instill those in my boys and, you know,

in everyone, I think that that's how you

get through those things is just being

able to have the proper tools to handle

them.

>> Yeah, it sounds like you're investing in

all the right stuff. I mean,

>> you can hope, right? What I find

phenomenal is just it just shows us that

as soon as you feel responsible for

someone else, you realize how valuable

it is what you put in your mind, your

body, and everything else,

>> right? Like that's what it comes from.

As soon as you realize that your actions

affect someone else, you start to take

so much more accountability and

responsibility for everything you eat,

consume, read, listen to.

>> Yeah. Honestly, even though even on that

too, like having a platform as well. I

think that there's so many, you know,

young women, men that watch our pages

and watch the show and I wouldn't want

to affect them and have my poor choices

affect them as well and they, you know,

mirror those. So, I think being in the

position that we are, um, all of us

women on the show, I think that again

using our platforms for good is it's

beneficial for like a lot of people.

>> Yeah. What's your if you could say this

is what I want to use my platform for

right now, what would you say it is?

>> I think owning single motherhood and

being proud to be a single mom. Um,

owning being a black woman, owning being

a woman, um, and now owning being a by

woman. So, yeah, I think just being

truly authentic to like who yourself. I

hope that that's what people take away

from my page.

>> Yeah. Have you spoken to your partner

and potentially even your children about

your new relationship?

>> They aren't really involved with it

right now. I think obviously I'm still

kind of exploring and kind of trying to

navigate this. So until I feel more

steady cuz it's not like I'm going to

change my mind like I know that I am. Um

I think I'm just going to kind of just

handle it on my own until Yeah. until

the time feels more right.

>> Yeah. And and what's co-parenting like

in the situation you were talking about

how your ex is a great dad and so good

to the boys. Like what does that setup

look like for you right now?

>> We're just finally in a place that the

emotions have died down. You know, the

initial adjustment period of like

getting into a good swing of things with

co-arenting has finally like set in. And

I think that at least I can say from my

behalf, I just I want the best for him.

Um, and I think we're in a really good

place with co-arenting that we just we

want the boys to be happy and we're

doing that, you know, coincide next to

each other. And I think that, yeah,

we're in like a good rhythm, which is

nice.

>> Yeah. If there's someone who's listening

right now and they're struggling to come

out, they're struggling to leave a toxic

relationship, what would you say to

them?

I think for me personally, I think I've

just been in survival mode like my whole

entire life. Whether if it was surviving

my childhood, surviving becoming a

single mom, surviving now single

motherhood, surviving my eating

disorder, surviving just all these

things. I just feel like I've just

constantly been in fight or flight. And

life is not meant to just be survived.

You're supposed to enjoy life and you're

supposed to live it to its fullest. And

I think to do that, you have to be

authentic and fully yourself. And it's

scary and it's hard to do that. But who

are you living your life for if it's not

for yourself? And I, you know, it took

me 25 years to fully be completely proud

of every single part of myself. And I

wish it happened sooner, but I think

everything happens for a reason. So I

just think if you're out there and

you're you're afraid or you're scared,

be more scared of not being who you are,

>> I think, is like my piece of advice.

Yeah.

>> How old are you now?

>> 25. You're very wise and strong.

>> Thank you.

>> You're so coherent. I'm like, what?

Like, how? Like, how did you just say

that? Like,

>> thank you.

>> It's unbelievable how much life you've

squeezed into 25 years.

>> I know. I'm like, I need a little bit of

a break. I don't know. I'm like, a

little bit less challenges, please. I'm

just kidding. No, I'm I'm grateful for

everything that I've gone through. I

think it made me who I am.

>> Yeah. But also, it's like you're saying,

I wish I learned it sooner, but I'm like

25 is

>> pretty early to have some of this.

There's so many people out there that

are 65 and they still haven't come out.

So, I think I'm very grateful that I

felt safe enough at this point to do

that and I hope that for everyone.

>> Yeah. Did you talk to other people who

had come out and asked them about their

experience? Like have you

>> No, not really. Honestly, like no one

really like knows. I just think again

like I mentioned earlier, I think my

thing was for a long time I just I

didn't know how

to do it and I just thought that one day

I would just date a girl and just be

like, "Hey, this is this is my

girlfriend." And just, you know, see how

people would react there. But

>> I the platform that I have just I want

to be able to help people that are in

similar situations. And I think that's

why I wanted this to happen the way that

it is right now to just be able to help

people. Are there any other friends that

you know that have come out or people

that you

>> Yeah, I have so many friends that are in

the community as well and the people

that like do know have been like nothing

but supportive and just like so excited

and they're just like you're connecting

with another soul. It doesn't matter if

they're a guy, if they're a girl, it

doesn't matter. We just want you to be

happy.

>> Yeah. What What are you most excited to

do now that you're out and

>> Oh my gosh.

>> able to say out loud

>> make out with her in public and not have

someone be like, "What is going on?" Is

that Leila from Secret Life with a girl?

Just Yeah. Just be able to be like fully

me and own it.

>> I'm sure after this hopefully you feel

safe and you know I think I think that's

what I always wish for people when

they're making big changes in their life

and

>> making these moves is that people feel

safe. I think that's something everyone

deserves for their choices. When people

are not breaking the law or doing

something wrong or

>> it's almost like can people just feel

safe for their choices that are true to

their soul and their heart. And I I

really hope Ila that you feel safe

>> and that you know you get to explore the

life and experience the life that you

really really want.

>> Thank you. I appreciate that so much.

>> Ila, we end every episode of On Purpose

with a final five. These questions have

to be answered in one sentence.

>> Okay.

>> And so Ila, this is your final five. Uh

question number one, what is the best

advice you've ever heard or received?

>> Your love for yourself has to be

stronger than your desire to be loved.

>> That's great advice. Who told you that?

>> I think I just saw it on like Pinterest.

actually, but I feel like it's like it's

a really good one and I think it applies

to a lot of things. So,

>> say it again.

>> Your love for yourself has to be higher

than your desire to be loved.

>> That's great. I love that. Great piece

of advice. That's an awesome one. Never

had it. Uh, second question. What is the

worst advice you've ever heard or

received?

>> I think it relates probably back to

what we were talking about earlier that

I used to be in a toxic cycle of

constantly, you know, putting my work

into other people and being in a lot of

relationships. I think one cheesy saying

that when you're going through a

breakup, I feel like people throw this

around like casually. They're always

like, "The best way to get over someone

is to get under somebody else." So, that

one, I'm like, "Oh my gosh." No. Take

time to yourself, girlfriend.

>> Pick up a book or something. A hobby. I

don't know.

>> That's great. That's awesome. What a

great answer.

>> Uh, okay. Question. You You're killing

these. You're You're killing these.

People usually struggle with that one.

That's a great answer. Uh, question

number three. How do you define a good

friend? who I think someone that loves

you through all stages,

>> every phase of life.

>> In every phase of life. Yeah. Every

chapter, every challenge, just

everything. Yeah.

>> Uh question number four. I'm going to

add two parts to this. Uh repeat after

me and finish. This is about

overthinking. So, repeat after me and

finish the sentence. I think I think too

much about

>> I think I think too much about

perception and how people view me.

>> Is that something you're still working

on right now?

>> Yeah. I think that's something that like

in the space that we are in, I think

that's something we see every day, you

know, people's opinions of us and it's

hard to not take things to heart. But

I'm just yeah, stepping into an era that

I just want to be authentically me and

you either like it or you don't. So

>> yeah, good for you. I love that. Okay,

fifth and final question. We ask this to

every guest who's been on the show. If

you could create one law that everyone

in the world had to follow, what would

it be? You're not allowed to convert to

Mormonism until you have a greater

understanding.

>> Wow. Just kidding.

>> No, that's you can't No, I like the idea

that you can't I I get the point you're

making is you can't make a commitment to

something without actually

>> knowing enough about it.

>> Yeah. Because was it was it you I'm

assuming it was easy as it was.

>> It was five lessons you have to do and

then you disagree at the end if you want

to and I had no understanding of a lot

of things. I feel like I get the

question a lot of like oh do you not did

you not know about the history of like

this about that and I was like no they

did not teach me that in my lessons

they're teaching me like very minimal.

So yeah.

>> Yeah. I mean that's all history

everywhere I feel like everything they

teach. Yeah that's uh that's a good

answer. Uh Leila Taylor, thank you so

much for your time, your energy. I'm so

grateful you came all the way here. I'm

thankful to have this conversation with

you. I feel so lucky and

>> uh appreciate so much that you chose us

to share this big news. And as I said, I

really hope you feel safe. I hope you

feel uh the love of our community and

everyone else that sees this podcast and

hope you feel the support. I know that

>> the GLAD Awards in LA are my favorite

event

>> of the year. Like the community is just

unbelievable. I know every year when I

go to that event or every time I have

been, sorry, not every year. Every time

I go to that event,

>> honestly, the community is just the most

fun. I don't know if you've ever been.

>> No, never. I hope you get to go. Yeah,

it's awesome. Thank you so much. Thank

you.

>> If you're feeling inspired by this

episode, you won't want to miss my

conversation with Wicked's Cynthia

Arivo.

>> We are afraid to let a person go, and we

need to be okay with letting people go.

We don't know what path people are

walking on when they walk into our

lives. We might just be a stepping stone

in their path just like stepping stones

in their