So, the other day my wife is like,

"Look, I want to go to dinner with these

people. I know you don't like the

husband very much. I know it's going to

be hard for you, but I'd really like to

go." And I said, "Oh, no. It's not that

big of a deal. You know, I used to

dislike him, but then I worked through

that and now it's totally fine." And

then she was like kind of confused by

that. And she's like, "What do you mean

you worked through it?" And I was like,

"Yeah, I disliked this person, but then

I went through my process and now we're

actually it's totally fine. Like, I'm

totally cool with them." And she's like,

"This is the kind of stuff that you

should really make a video about. How do

you go through a process and stop

disliking someone? We talk about

conquering a lot of emotions like

sadness, regret, how do I overcome

grief, how do I overcome anxiety? But

dislike or hostility is one of the

emotions that most of us never even want

to conquer. Maybe if you're in anger

management, you get in trouble with the

law, then you need to work on your

hostility. But for most of us, disliking

someone is one of the most addictive

emotions that we experience. If we

dislike someone, we won't interact with

them as much. We won't let them get away

with the crap that they usually get away

with. Dislike is one of the emotions

that we think helps us a lot because it

motivates behavior. I hate my job,

therefore I'm going to quit. I'm

starting to realize how much I dislike

my friend, therefore I'm going to cut

all ties with them. So, we become

reliant on dislike and we're actually we

love it, right? Think about the things

in life that you dislike, the things

that you hate. Oh my god, we're in

latestage capitalism or I hate this

particular group of people or this

particular political party. And it's so

damn addictive. But it turns out that

dislike is actually one of the most

harmful emotions. And even if you use it

as motivation to move you in the right

way, it's not going to work. And the

reason for that is very simple. See,

anytime we use an emotion to motivate

our behavior, the problem is that the

emotion will fluctuate over time, right?

Dislike or hatred is maybe a little bit

different. The emotion will go up and go

down. That's just the natural nature of

emotions, right? So, I'm angry today,

I'm going to uninstall this

video game because it's so annoying. And

then a couple days later, I'm less

annoyed with the video game, so I

reinstall it. So, we tend to rely on

dislike as a motivation, but that tends

to lead to inconsistent behavior. Now,

I'm going to tell you all a story. So, I

had a a patient once who really disliked

his boss and really disliked his job.

So, he worked in finance and then you

know the the his boss would be like,

"Okay, we're traveling to Europe to do

this big deal and boss liked to do

cocaine. Boss liked to engage with

prostitutes and and my patient just was

not into that." So, sort of dislike this

guy. But the straw that kind of broke

the camel's back was one day boss says,

"Hey, we've got a client meeting at 8:00

a.m. I need you to be at the office at

6:00 a.m. I know it's early. I want to

go over the presentation between 6:00

and 7:00 so that everything is buttoned

up." Boss is supposed to look at the

presentation the day before got busy.

Who knows with what? Maybe said cocaine

or prostitutes. She's like, "I need you

to be there at 6:00 that we can go over

everything, be ready by 7:00. We're

going to leave at 7:00, go to the

client's place." My patient being a very

very good banker shows up at 5:50,

right? 10 minutes early, proceeds to

wait for 40 minutes because boss is

late. Boss shows up on the 48th floor of

their building, is flustered, is late at

6:30. He's like, "Hey, I'm sorry that

I'm late." Boss has keys to the office

because this is before the reception

people and things are there. So, my

patient has been waiting for 40 minutes

outside of the office. That's bad

enough. Then boss says, "Give me just a

second. I really need to go pee." runs

down the hall and uses the bathroom

while my patient is waiting outside,

doesn't even have the courtesy to let

him in, and instead decides to go pee.

This is the kind of thing that my

patient absolutely hates. And you may

have people in your life that you

dislike because of these reasons because

we love to dislike people. Disliking

people is a huge problem and it costs us

so much that we don't even realize

because dislike is one of the most

addictive emotions we have. So there's

something called the hostile attribution

bias. And basically the more you dislike

something, the more hostile you are

towards it, the less clearly your mind

functions. There are huge biases that

start to enter your mind when you

dislike someone. And if you've ever been

on the receiving end of someone's

dislike, once the professor or teacher

or parent or one of your friends decide,

someone in your social group decides

that they dislike you, winning them over

becomes incredibly difficult. They start

to see all of the things that you're

doing in the wrong light and it feels

like you can't win. Here's the crazy

thing. When you dislike someone, there

is an equal level of cognitive bias. And

we don't quite realize how crucial this

cognitive bias is. It shapes our

perception. So it shapes even the way

that we pick up particular bits of

information. It shapes the way that we

interpret that information. It even

determines what our solution space is.

So when you dislike someone, there may

be certain methods that you can use to

actually solve problems with them which

your mind will not let you see. And most

importantly, dislike shapes our

behavior. And generally speaking, all of

these effects are in the negative

direction. Hey y'all, if you want to

learn more about different mental health

concepts, check out Dr. K's guide. How

does experience shape us as human

beings? How do we strengthen the mind

itself as an organ? So, it doesn't

really matter what studies you look at.

It turns out that meditating for about

20 minutes a day is what we're shooting

for. And if you want to go further with

meditation, we just added a feature to

help you build a consistent practice no

matter where you are in your journey.

With meditation tracks, you can set

goals and track your progress through

beginner, intermediate, and advanced

paths. Each practice builds on the

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developing a routine, you're leveling up

your meditation skills along the way.

Get Dr. K's guide and meditation tracks

today at healthygamer.gg/guide

or click the link in the description

below. Now, back to the video. The more

dislike and hostility that you have

towards someone, the more it will affect

your cardiovascular system and is

associated with all kinds of negative

physical health outcomes. Dislike is

also associated with things like

rumination. So, I know this one sounds

kind of weird, but even if I'm disliking

this person over here, it turns out that

disliking this person will affect my

mental health in all of these other

categories. So, this is where things get

a little bit tricky. But the more that I

dislike someone, the more cortisol I

have floating through my system, the

more my stress system is activated,

right? I don't like them. And the

problem is that that cortisol lasts in

our body for about 24 hours and shapes

our thinking, shapes our ability to see

in non black and white. So cortisol

basically makes our mind function in a

black and white sort of way. And if you

look at people who are hostile and

engaged in a lot of dislike, they have a

lot of difficulty seeing nuance. They

have a lot of difficulty seeing shades

of gray and they have a lot of

difficulty solving problems effectively.

So even though we're addicted to

hostility and disliking things, turns

out really doesn't help us. So how do we

deal with this? This is where a lot of

the research on hostility and disliking

someone also talks about forgiveness. So

here are a couple of studies that

analyze the role of forgiveness, self

forgiveness in reducing hostility, being

able to forgive other people. And this

is where I have to depart from the

literature a little bit. Even though

there are a lot of good studies that

show the value of forgiveness, in my

mind, there is a separation between

forgiving someone and not disliking

them. So, I think we get actually all of

the health benefits from removing the

dislike without even necessarily

forgiving them because a lot of the

people that I work with will sort of

fall into this trap of, okay, I hate

this person now I have to forgive them.

But once I forgive them, I'm opening the

door to their crappy behavior. So they

sort of oscillate between forgiveness

and dislike, forgiveness and dislike.

And then it doesn't end up working well.

And I think the reason it doesn't work

well is because of the fundamental way

that emotions work. So if I am relating

to you in an emotional way, if I let my

emotions dictate how I react to you, if

that emotion changes, my behavior will

change. And this is what's really

tricky. A lot of times that forgiveness

is actually driven by guilt. So I

dislike you. I'm never going to talk to

you again. Now I feel guilty. Now I feel

bad. Now I feel some degree of

compassion for you. And I'm controlled

by that emotion as well. So I forgive

you. I let you back into my life. And

then you end up hurting me in the same

way again. So many of the people that

I've worked with really don't want to

forgive. I've had plenty of patients who

have suffered all kinds of abuse. And so

forgiveness seems like something that is

like really really hard to do. But the

real problem with forgiveness isn't the

forgiveness itself. It's the behaviors

that we start tolerating when we forgive

someone. So I have this process that I

go through to stop disliking someone.

And I find that this process is really

helpful not only for me in my own mental

state, reduces my rumination, reduces my

stress, hopefully improves my

cardiovascular health, but it actually

allows me to deal with the person way

more effectively. And the reason for

that is because I'm looking at them with

a tranquil mind. Right? So internally,

I'm not letting my dislike color my

perception. I see them for who they are.

And this is what's really interesting.

What I try to do is be as judgmental as

possible without disliking them at all.

So I want to judge their actions

dispassionately. I want to be able to

look at their behaviors and their

patterns and not get bent out of shape

because they're behaving a certain way.

I even do this when I play video games,

right? So, if I'm playing a game of Dota

2 where people are like doing things

that are really stupid, if you dislike

this person and you let your dislike get

in the way, it actually narrows your

solution space. You don't see how just

because this person is feeding in a

particular lane, you don't see how,

okay, the reason they're feeding in a

lane is because they're bad. And since

we're all at the same rank, everybody is

bad. And if they're feeding in a

particular lane, there's a good chance

that the enemy will also make stupid

mistakes. Once you see things in a

dispassionate and clear way, it allows

you to actually navigate the situation

in a healthier way. So, how do we go

through this process of removing dislike

from the equation and seeing things more

clearly? So, this is where I cultivate

some degree of compassion and now that's

a loaded word too because compassion

doesn't mean tolerance of behavior. So,

how do I go through this process of

removing dislike? So I start with sort

of a karmic perspective and what I sort

of try to remind myself as a

psychiatrist is that most human beings

are doing the best that they know how to

do. Now you may be thinking about the

people in your life that you you think

oh they could be doing a lot better

right they could be trying a lot harder

but as a psychiatrist I've seen that

most of the people that I work with the

reason they don't try harder is because

they actually don't know how to try

harder. So, I want you to think about

the stuff that you could be doing.

Theoretically, you could be doing

potentially way more stuff, but you

don't try harder, right? You sort of try

in a really like you try really hard,

but from the outside, it may not look

like you're trying very hard at all. And

I've realized that this is like

universal for the human condition and

that most human beings on the planet do

about as well as they know how to do.

I've worked with some people who are

incredibly narcissistic, incredibly

sociopathic, and I used to dislike them.

Now, what I've discovered is through

some degree of compassion, I recognize,

okay, this person hasn't done the

personal work that they really need to

do to fix this narcissism to sort of

learn how to relate to people in a

healthier way. And as long as they are

not going to do that, I cannot expect

them to have compassion towards me. I

cannot expect them to have empathy

towards me. that even though this person

is behaving in a very inappropriate way,

once I recognize that every human being

on the planet has their own karma, they

were born in a particular place with a

particular set of genetics. They were

raised with certain expectations. They

were shaped by their experiences and

they have result it has resulted in this

mess of a human being. I can expect them

to behave in a narcissistic and

sociopathic way because that's who they

are. Now, I want you all to pay

attention to a couple of subtleties

here. When I take this attitude, it

helps me interact with them even better.

The first thing is that my expectations

become really, really, really low

because I made a judgment, right? With a

clear head, I've sort of said, "Okay,

this is what this person is capable of.

I'm not going to expect more from them."

So, when I take this attitude and I

think it is somewhat compassionate and

there's some amount of forgiveness, I

sort of forgive them for being the

person that they are. And I can even to

a certain degree forgive their actions,

but it doesn't remove my judgment from

the equation. So, let's come up with a

long-term plan to remove ourselves from

this person and the equation. And this

is the key thing. If y'all struggle with

developing long-term plans and following

through with those long-term plans, the

number one reason is your emotions. Any

plan that we make based on an emotion

will fluctuate with our motivation. And

so if we want to be able to follow

through and solve our problems, we need

to remove emotion from the equation. And

dislike is at the top of the list. So

how do we do that? So very concretely, I

want you to think about one thing or

person in your life that you dislike.

And I want you to think about all of the

circumstances that made them this way.

And then what I want you to try to do is

recognize that okay, this person maybe

even is being an on purpose.

It's not that they're like have no free

will, but they have lived a life where

they have learned to be where

they are rewarded for being So

why would I expect them to be any

different? And once you realize who they

really are or what the situation really

is, I want you to take a deep breath and

sort of have some compassion towards it.

Right? So how do you practically do

this? Like I said, start with sort of a

karmic perspective. Recognize that this

person is the way they are. They're in

they're entitled because they've

lived a life where that kind of behavior

has been rewarded. Maybe their parents

were somewhat narcissistic, so they

inherited a set of genes. They are

surrounded by people who tolerate this

behavior, so it just gets worse over

time. But even then, if you sort of

think about it, the things that you

dislike about them have been selected

for in their life. So once you sort of

notice that they are the way that they

are that this is basically in their

nature and even if they have the

capacity to change for whatever reason

they have chosen not to which is fine.

They get to live their life the way they

want to live it. You get to live your

life the way you want to live it. Once

you have that sort of weird sense of

compassion or acceptance once you

realize who they are think about your

situation dispassionately and start to

develop a plan. How am I going to deal

with this person? I'm not going to wish

they were different, right? Because that

doesn't really help you very much. It's

not a good way to go through life

wishing the people around you were

different. This is the way that this

person is. Accept it as a fact. Do it

dispassionately. You don't have to get

buttth hurt about it. Now, the question

is, how are you going to deal with this

person? And this is where there are all

kinds of things that people are stunned

by. You may have to tolerate some amount

of interaction with them, which is fine.

But you're going to tolerate that

interaction every day. You're going to

go into work. You're not going to like

them very much. That's just who they

are. But you're not going to let it

disturb your tranquility. Once you

realize that your life does not have to

be shaped around this dislike, that's

when you find real freedom. That's when

you start to develop long-term plans and

the capacity for followthrough. And the

most important thing about this is that

when we dislike someone, people are

usually aware of it on some level. And

so oftentimes the people that we dislike

will alter their behavior to rope us in

in some way. So your boss realizes they

are being a little bit of an So

they say, "Hey, you did a really great

job, but here's a huge bonus. You know,

you're a really strong worker." Even the

people that you dislike will sometimes

do things that are kind to you. But if

you were letting the dislike navigate

that relationship, then that force will

go down and you'll let them back into

your life. So often times what I tend to

do when there are people like this is

the people that I dislike will

frequently as I start to distance myself

and move away, start to live my own

life, they will reach out to me. They'll

be like, "Hey, do you want to do a

collaboration? I've got this great idea.

Do you want to do a partnership? Do you

want to do this?" And you're like, "Hey,

that sounds like a really great idea.

Let's talk about it. Hey, I'm sorry.

This is not something I have the

bandwidth for. Good luck to you.