A lot of people are obsessed with how

athletes think. We ask them in

interviews and things like that. How do

you handle doubt? How do you handle work

ethic? Because we are looking at our

lives and we struggle with all of these

things, right? So, today what we're

going to do is listen to an what an

athlete says and break down the

psychological mechanism of what they're

doing, why it works, and how to

implement it. Let's start with one of

the greats of all time, Michael Jordan.

>> Leroy Smith, he started the whole

process with me because when he made the

team and I didn't, I wanted to prove not

just to Leroy Smith, not just to myself,

but to the coach who actually picked

Leroy over me.

I want to make sure you understood you

made a mistake, dude.

>> So, Michael Jordan is notorious for

trying to prove other people wrong and

taking things personally. And this is

where I'm going to start out of the gate

by saying I think this is a non-optimal

strategy, okay? So, generally speaking,

I think when we talk about performance,

I advocate for like an ego-less

approach. I advocate for trying not to

prove things to other people. And why is

that? So, if I think I'm better than

you, right? I want to prove to you that

I'm the best. So, I'm going to practice

really hard and I'm going to show up and

we're going to compete. And then what if

I lose? Right? What What does What

impact does that have? If I put all my

eggs into the basket of I am better than

you, I will prove to you that you are

wrong and I am right. And I work really

hard, but you're also working really

hard and maybe you're better at it than

I am. And then what happens if I lose?

So, I've worked with a lot of people who

are very outcome oriented. I want to get

straight A's. I want to be number one. I

want to be the best. And I personally

think this is sort of a like a lose-lose

strategy because

if you try to be number one and you fall

short, you fall short of your goal, this

can sometimes result in negative

motivation. For most of us, it results

in negative motivation. And it's tough

because in your brain you're like

investing a lot of energy for a

particular war reward, but if you don't

get the reward, the behavior is often

times not reinforced, right? So, I

studied really hard to get an A. If I

get a B, I feel disappointed and I'm

less inclined to study again. This is

what happens with most people. And even

if you win, that can also result in

problems. So, a friend of mine was

a first-year law student at at Harvard

Law School and I asked him, you know,

what's what's it like being there? And

he's like, it's awful. And I was really

surprised because this is like really

competitive, a lot of people want to go.

And then I kind of asked him like,

what's what's so bad about it? And he's

like, one of the worst things that you

can do is take a bunch of kids who used

to be the smartest in the class and then

make them average overnight. So, there

are some weird things that can happen

when we focus on being the best. We can

suddenly we'll keep on climbing until

we're average and then that's a blow to

our ego, right? Because our motivation

is I'm striving to be the best, striving

to be the best, I am the best, I am the

best. And then suddenly like I rise

enough to be average and then now I feel

like I'm not the smartest. In fact, I

feel the stupidest. Like when you

graduate from Harvard Law School or

Harvard Medical School at the bottom of

your class, you're still a Harvard

graduate, but you feel like a complete

idiot. So, we also see a lot of problems

like imposter syndrome and stuff kind of

crop up when you sort of have this

outcome orientation. But I think there's

a there's a bigger and more subtle

reason why like I don't like Michael

Jordan's strategy. So, sure, it can be

very motivating, right? I'm going to

prove them wrong. Like that's a very

powerful motivator. I'm going to show

them, one V one me mid, bro. One V one

me mid. I think the reason that that may

work for Jordan is because he's Jordan.

Like you get what I'm saying? Like I

have I have worked with so many people

who are like, I'm going to be the best.

I'm going to show the rest of the world

how I'm better than them, but they're

not Jordan.

>> [laughter]

>> And then we get to another really tricky

thing, which is how much of Jordan, how

much of who Jordan became, he wasn't

born that way, right? So, he's like he

believed in himself, I am the best. I'm

this I'm prove this guy wrong. I'm prove

that guy wrong. I'm prove that guy

wrong. And then he succeeded in all of

those things. So, this is what's so

tricky about this the Jordan strategy is

like it's not clear to me, you know, if

is he Jordan because he believed that or

can he get away with believing that

because he's Jordan? And honestly, like

I don't know, right? So, this is why

we're kind of di- diving into this

because as a psychiatrist is arguably

someone who's an expert in the mind,

like I'm not sure which one it is.

>> I keep seeing comments, Dr. K, how do I

apply this to a situation in my life?

That's literally why we [music] created

a coaching program. Our coaches are

certified on an evidence-based

curriculum designed to help you get

unstuck. This involves analyzing your

patterns, increasing [music]

your understanding, and working with you

week to week to help you develop a plan

to [music] create lasting change. So, if

y'all are interested, check out the link

in the description below. And so, let's

take a look at a different perspective.

So, here's Kobe Bryant.

>> I always think that there's two types of

players, players who love to win and

players who hate to lose. Which one are

you?

>> Uh I'm neither.

I'm neither. Uh

meaning that, you know, I I I play to to

um

to figure things out. I play to learn

something, right? Because I think if you

if you play with um with a fear of

failure or you play with um

the will to win or that supersedes the

fear of failure, I think it's a weakness

either way.

>> And this is something I've seen a lot

with the athletes, esports athletes that

I've worked with, is that, you know,

some people are motivated because they

just really, really, really hate losing.

And they work really hard so that they

never lose, or they really, really,

really love winning. I personally like

Kobe's approach to this, which is that

you don't focus on the winning and you

don't focus on the losing, which can be

so confusing.

>> Because if you if you play with the fear

fear of failing, you'll have the

pressure on yourself to play, you know,

to capitulate to that fear. If you play

with the sense of I want to win, I want

to win, then you have the fear of what

happens if you don't. But if you find

common ground in the middle, in the

center,

then it doesn't matter. You're unphased

by either, right? And that enables you

to really just stay in the moment, stay

connected to it,

and not feel anything other than what's

in front of you. So, you know, I try to

just be dead center.

>> And so, Kobe also alludes to something

that we just talked about, which is that

if you are afraid to lose, you are going

to have some amount of fear. And if you

strive to win, you also have some amount

of fear, because what if you don't win?

And so, in both of these cases, if we

look at the mechanism, if you love to

win or hate to lose, both of those come

with a side of fear. And then, how does

fear impact that performance? And Kobe

highlights what the mechanism of loving

to win or hating to lose actually comes

with, which is fear. So, there's a fear

of losing if you hate to lose, and then

there's a fear of not winning if you

love to win. And so, the problem with

this strategy, if you're striving to be

a winner, striving to be the best, or

striving to no longer be a loser, is

that they both come with a side of fear.

And then, the mechanistic question is

what impact does a side of fear have on

your performance? And it's beautiful,

because he stitches this together.

So, let's think about fear for a second.

Fear is an emotion that causes you to

project into the future. You are

worrying about a problem that could

happen. If I lose, then what? So, then

at the highest levels of performance,

you cannot afford fear for a very simple

reason. The moment that you start

thinking about if I don't win, then

what? Then 1% even 1% of your cognition

is not focused on the now. You are not

thinking about the shot that you have to

take. You are not thinking about what am

I going to play right now? What is the

next move that I want to make? A

percentage of your mind is focused on

solving problems that don't even exist

and comes away from solving problems

that you are actually dealing with. And

so, what do I see as a psychiatrist? The

more anxiety someone has, the more they

frankly suck at life. Their performance

drops and I don't mean that in a brutal

way. Their performance drops in any

given thing. If I'm afraid that this

person I'm super into this person, we're

on our first date. Oh my god, I'm afraid

that they won't go on a second date. So,

what am I doing? I'm no longer in the

present. My cognitive resources are no

longer attending to the problem at hand.

And literally fear destroys people's

lives because they're spending so much

energy solving problems that don't exist

and may never come to pass while

ignoring or not focusing on the problems

that are right in front of them. And we

can see from Kobe that if you want to

perform at this level, you cannot afford

even 1% of your energy solving fears

problems. And so, let's take a look at

another clip.

>> Winning a gold medal is absolutely

incredible. There's nothing better than

standing on the podium listening to your

national anthem play. But for me, I'm

somebody who I knew that I had seven

other events after the first day. So, I

have to throw that in the back of my

head to then get ready for the next

race. Every day is Every day is a new

challenge, right? A day that we can

prepare ourself even more. I have to

make sure I'm eating the right amount,

I'm sleeping the right amount, my body

is as fresh as I can possibly be. So,

that means sitting in an ice tank,

getting massages, getting stretched. All

of these small things that end up adding

up. We would call it putting money into

the bank.

>> So, if we listen to Michael Phelps, you

know, he has [laughter] a really

fascinating take. He's like, "You know,

I can't get caught up on winning a gold

medal because I have to compete for 7

days after winning a gold medal." And I

love this attitude because it it's kind

of like insane, right? It's like when

winning a gold medal isn't enough, but

that's the reality of his life. And I

think the really weird thing is it's

actually the reality of ours as well.

So, now we get to another really

interesting motivational trap, which is

trying to win and trying to achieve

something. Because the whole internet

will tell you, "Oh my god, like strive

to achieve, be number one, bro, be the

best, be the smartest, be the Here's how

you be an amazing startup founder,

here's how to make $10 million

in 10 seconds, right? Here's how to get

a 10-in dick." Like [clears throat]

there's all kinds of stuff that we're

like, "Just achieve, do better, more, a

better, more, bigger cars, bigger tits,

bigger dicks." Like all of it, right?

And so, there there's something really

interesting about that. If you strive to

achieve, once you achieve, you have your

goal and the striving will disappear.

So, even winning, and I've seen this

before, you guys may have noticed that

in sports or e-sports or whatever, there

are many more one-trick ponies. There

are many more people who have happened

to win once than there are people who

have win like tons of things, right? If

you look at all of the Olympic medalists

in swimming, the number who have earned

fewer medals than Michael Phelps or even

a single medal is going to be way

greater than the number of people who

are like Michael Phelps who have won

again and again and again and again. And

that's because so many of us are

oriented towards this outcome of

winning. And I see this as well in weird

places like midlife crisis, right? I'm

going to strive to achieve, I'm going to

get a good job, I'm going to do this,

I'm going to build a career, I'm going

to get a house. And then you wake up one

day and you've like achieved everything

that you wanted. You wanted all of those

things, and the wanting of those things

is the source of your motivation. And

one of the worst things that can happen

to you is you can actually get them. And

we see from Michael Phelps what the

solution to this is, is to focus on the

action itself. Focus on the preparation.

Focus on the present. We hear this time

and time and time again. What does

focusing on the present mean? It means

working on a daily basis, devoting

yourself on a daily basis. Because when

we orient ourselves to a particular

outcome, this is kind of weird, but if

you pay attention to yourself, right? If

I want to achieve something, if I'm not

focused on the present, what I'll look

for is shortcuts. So, if you look at

like how you literally spend your day,

many of us spend our days trying to

avoid work while getting something.

Right? Most of us are happy to like

cheat a little bit, or collect a salary

if a company forgot to stop paying us.

We're We're happy to do all kinds of

things, and I'm not saying that any of

those things are necessarily bad, right?

But I'm sort of saying like I want you

to pay attention to how you focus on

doing the minimum and getting the most.

Because if your goal is an outcome,

oftentimes the way that our brain is

wired is minimum effort, maximum reward,

right? That's why all of us are beating

ourselves up that we didn't invest in

Bitcoin, or maybe you did and you're

Bitcoin billionaire. All of All of us

are wishing oh, we invested in Tesla and

bought Tesla options, or invested in the

SpaceX IPO. We all wish that we had made

one decision that with no effort would

given us have given us everything we

want in the world. But I want you to

think about how crippling that would be

for your motivation. Just a little bit

of self-disclosure, so I went through a

midlife crisis recently. And one of the

things that I realized I started

meditating like hardcore again. And one

of the things that I realized is like

you know, cuz I'm I'm a successful

startup founder, arguably, but I'm not

making a ton of money, which is neither

here nor there. And then I sort of

realized, oh, like this is the

universe's way of like keeping me

motivated. And I realized that the worst

thing, because I am a degenerate, I was

addicted to video games. I've been so

lazy and unhealthy in my life that if I

won the lottery tomorrow and I had a

hundred million dollars, I don't know if

I am strong enough to keep making

content.

>> [laughter]

>> Right? I look at this and I realize that

my my I know that I'm financially

successful and I'm comfortable and all

that kind of stuff. Like that's not an

issue, but if I had been one of these

like billionaire startup founders that

had taken all this capital and like

could retire at the age of 43, which is

how old I am, like man, I would be

working so little.

Right? All of my lazy tendencies would

take over. And what we hear from Michael

Phelps is he's not what what the root

the way to get rid of laziness is to

focus on the present. Every day is

action. Every day is work. Whether you

win or whether you lose, we separate

ourselves away from that. We sever

success and failure from our actions and

we're just going to be doing the work on

a daily basis. And the next clip we're

looking at is from Tom Brady, who I

think really exemplifies this.

>> Through my work with Greg Harden, the

sports psychologist,

he would say, "When you go out on the

practice field and you run a two-minute

drill and they put you in there in

practice, you treat that drill

like it's a game-winning drive against

Ohio State. Like I don't want to hear

this, it's only practice. I don't want

to hear it's like didn't matter because

don't nobody was watching. It needs to

matter as much to you on that practice

field as it does when you do it on the

game field." And it was a like

eye-opening experience.

>> So, Tom worked with what sounds like a

sports psychologist who was very good.

And he taught Tom one really important

thing. He's like, "Every time you're on

the practice field, there's no

difference between the practice field

and the real game. Okay? And so this is

really important, right? And we're sort

of seeing a theme here, same theme as

Michael Phelps where he's like, whether

you're prac- on the practice field or

you're in a a championship game, no

difference. You are going to give 100%

on a daily basis. Now, Brady focuses a

little bit about how that protects him

from the nerves of a championship game,

which is something that I've seen a lot.

Y'all, if you guys watch sports or

e-sports, you may notice that there's

some players who choke, right? Where the

pressure gets to them. You have to be

able to withstand the pressure, which

Phelps talked about as well. So, how do

we train ourselves to withstand

pressure? We train ourselves by making

no difference between a championship

game and an everyday practice. And this

is what I see with so many people that I

think is like a huge problem, right?

It's such a fundamental thing, is they

don't live every day with maximal

effort. There are some days where we

have to force ourselves to muster up

effort. And there are many days that we

try really hard to exude the minimum

effort. So, Brady's saying when the gap

between game day and practice is zero,

that is what leads to optimal

performance. But if you look at the way

that we live our lives, we actually try

to separate it out. Oh yeah, when I go

to work, I'm going to work really hard

so I can get it all done and then I can

come home and I can veg out. But I want

my weekends. I only want I want to work

one day a week. I want a life of luxury.

I don't want to work hard. And when I'm

forced to work hard, I'll work hard. Or

I want to work in a burst, right? I have

ADHD and I get ADHD hyperfocus and I

want to get everything done in 12 hours,

then I want to veg out for a month. I

love that that approach as well. Appeals

to me, right? It appeals to us, but it's

not what works. Now, what a lot of

people will say is, but I can't do that.

I can't give 100% every day. I'm

exhausted. Giving 100% once a week

exhausts me. Giving 50% 5 days a week is

so tiring. And this is where we get to a

really important mechanism that I think

is a little bit between the lines, which

is conditioning and deconditioning. So,

if you look at athletes, what they're

focused on is conditioning. So, you may

say, "Oh my god, if if I treat every day

like game day, I would be ragged." But

that's only until you start doing it,

right? So, if I sort of think about the

just a simple idea of like going to the

gym. If I am deconditioned, a small

workout will feel exhausting. But the

more that I do it, the more that I

literally engage in conditioning, the

more I am able to handle immense effort

on a daily basis. Right? So, if we think

about the human body, the human body is

designed for a 24-hour cycle, for the

most part, arguably 25 25 26 27 28

hours. But basically, we're designed to

reset on a daily basis. If we look at

the animal kingdom, we'll see that they

all reset on a daily basis, for the most

part, right? And then you may say, "But

in my life, like I can't afford that

because I mean, I've been there, right?

We have 24-hour calls. I've done 30-hour

shifts at the hospital, and you can't

like reset immediately after that."

Right? So, there's there's absolutely

things that make this difficult. There's

no question about that. Your boss is

demanding, you have to work over the

weekend, like now you're exhausted on

Monday morning, you know? And by the

way, weekends are like the most terrible

invention in humanity because weekends

are when we allowed ourselves the right

to burn out during the week, right? Like

it's kind of crazy that we said, "Oh

yeah, like we're going to work you so

hard that you need 2 days of recovery."

And then it's like back into the meat

grinder. But we're still stuck with this

basic issue of like, "Sure, the world is

this way, but what are we going to do

about it?" Right? Cuz this is the world

that we live in. And what I tend to find

is that the more that people decondition

themselves, and this is where you've got

to figure out what works for you, you

know? Like, what is it that you can do

that will help you do more work on a

daily basis. So, in my case, like I also

work a ton, and this is where like some

people like, "Oh my god, Dr. K's turning

into a hustle culture influencer. Oh my

god, dude. Oh my god." And it's like I'm

not trying to be a hustle culture

influencer. What I'm trying to share

with y'all is like, there is a way to be

very productive on a daily basis. And a

big part of that is conditioning, right?

So, I tend to work really hard on a

daily basis, work 6 to 7 days a week.

And I'm not saying this because like,

"Oh, like I'm great. Like, oh my god,

you guys should do what I do." But, kind

of yeah. I mean, like

>> [laughter]

>> It's like, look, if y'all want to work

hard, right? If you want to work in in

ways that are engaging for you, you have

to work hard. So, one of the key things

that I've learned is like devoting

yourself to not separating out an easy

day from a hard day. Giving your 100%

on a daily basis for things that are

small and things that are big increases

your capacity to give 100%. So, I did

something just a little bit of

self-disclosure again. I did something

kind of interesting recently where when

I was growing up, my mom used to say,

it's a Gujarati phrase, "Vat utarvanu."

Which means I do things half-assed. So,

like if I try to throw something in the

laundry basket and it lands on the

ground, I don't pick it up. If

something, you know, like I'll leave

some I'll leave my dishes, I'll leave

them in the sink, or I'll leave them on

the table instead of rinsing them and

putting them in the dishwasher. I

realize that there are a thousand little

things that I do that are like

half-assed. And I realized like how much

this is hurting me. That if I can't even

bring myself to do this small amount of

work because I feel tired. But, I'm not

like so tired that I can't rinse

something and put it in the sink. And

what I realized is that I was actually

conditioning

laziness into me. That I was half-assing

some things and then my mind got used to

half-assing things. And then I started

thinking to myself, how can I half-ass

this? I tried to half-ass more and more.

So, recently about a year ago, year and

a half ago, I stopped doing that. I

noticed this thing that pissed my mom

off, pisses my wife off as well, which

I'm sure there's some Freudian analysis

to. I'm going to stop half-assing

things. I'm going to put my keys where

they go. I'm going to put trash where it

goes. I'm going to put things properly

in in the in the laundry basket. I'm not

100%, but what I noticed is when I

started half-assing things for myself,

my capacity to whole-ass things

increased. I was training myself. And

so, the more that you give 100%, the

more you will be able to give 100%. The

next clip that we're going to look at is

from Tiger Woods. And this one in a lot

of ways may be the most controversial

clip that we look at, not because it's

Tiger, but take a look.

>> Golf is a microcosm [music] of life.

There's going to be ups and downs,

there's going to be challenges, there's

going to be ebbs and flows, and

ultimately,

when it comes right down to [music] it,

we determine our own fate. As tough as

that may be to accept sometimes,

it's not being afraid of it, and it's

okay. It's okay to feel uncomfortable.

I've been asked this question

numerous times.

>> [music]

>> And so, the really scary thing is that,

you know, he's saying we control our own

fate. But, literally, if you look at

like research about people's sense of

agency in the world, for some

generations of people, like is in like

certain age groups, we're at an all-time

low for belief in agency. So, 50% of

people under the age of 30 in the United

States who are adults, who have jobs,

live with their parents. We have some of

the lowest rates of home ownership. We

have the highest rates of loneliness. We

have, um, you know, low fertility rates

all over the country. And and you know,

people are feeling like they are out of

control in their life.

And especially when it comes to things

like loneliness, like this kind of makes

sense, right? Because literally,

technically,

I cannot control my loneliness. My

loneliness requires another person to

fix. Like, it is the one thing that is

like, I can't just be like, "Oh my god,

now I'm no longer lonely." Like, let me

hug myself. This is what's really scary.

Hugging yourself doesn't release any

oxytocin. So, oxytocin is a emotional

bonding hormone that make alleviates our

anxiety, makes us feel safe, you know,

calms down our amygdala, calms down our

stress signal. But, it requires another

human being to hug you in order to get

that oxytocin release. So, how is it

that someone like Tiger Woods believes

this, right? And this is where there's a

a very common narrative right now that

we sort of live in a patriarchy, that

there are the people who have power and

the people who do not have power. And

the reason he believes this is because

he's one of the people with power. Like,

of course, people with power have

agency, but we don't have agency.

There's the powerful and the powerless.

Powerful will have agency, powerless

don't have agency. And I'm not disputing

any of that, right? That's

absolutely true that some people have

more power in this life than others.

But, what we're focused on today is the

psychological mechanisms of beliefs on

this on your life. And what I want y'all

to think about is if a human being

believes they have agency in life, what

impact does that have on their life? And

if a human being believes they are

powerless in life, what impact does that

have in life? Now, be clear, I'm not

talking about an objective measure of

power, wealth, or agency. I'm talking

about the belief in your own power. And

what I see Tiger doing that I encourage

many of my patients to do that I try to

do myself is to take the lion's share of

responsibility

in my life. And this is what's so hard

is because when I work with patients who

feel powerless, and oftentimes are have

very small amounts of power. This is

what's so devastating about it is if you

believe you are powerless completely,

then there's kind of nothing that you

can do. The hardest part of my job is

for someone who believes they are

powerless to try to carve out the 5%

where they do have agency. Sure, you

don't have agency 95% of the time, but

you do have agency over this 5%. And to

lean into that, because that's your only

option. And you can even use the an

analogy of like playing a video game

where your teammates suck, right? How am

I supposed to win when my teammates are

so bad? And you are correct that you

can't control the skill of your

teammates. But if you believe that you

can't win, and this is like very well

known, right? So you can take any advice

for climbing rank in any video game. And

it's like focus on what you can control,

and then you will climb. The more

responsibility that you take for the

game, the less you blame your teammates,

and the more that you focus on improving

your own game, you will climb. This

literally is what separates people who

are platinum from bronze, right? High

rank from low rank. And this is also

what separates amazing athletes from

mediocre athletes or washout athletes.

This is what separates people who have

control of their life, they are deluding

themselves into believing that they have

control. But that belief in agency

shifts the way that your mind thinks. It

looks for things that you can do instead

of spending cognitive energy on all of

the things that you can't do. And this

is something that I can absolutely

attest to. Once you you taking

responsibility for as many things in

life as you can. That responsibility

comes with some degree of power, right?

It gives you a road forward. So, I'll

share one last example with y'all. So, I

recently was trying to help someone find

a job as a programmer. And and the

person came to me and they said, "The

programming market is terrible right

now." And this is true, right?

Programming, we have the highest level

of unemployment of CS grads that we've

ever had in the United States. All of

the big tech companies are laying off

thousands of people. People are starting

to use AI to code instead of

programmers. There's no question that

the state of the world is bad. So, this

person was saying it's hard to find a

job. Can you help? And I said, "Sure,

maybe I can pass your resume around."

But then I I noticed something kind of

interesting. So, I I asked, you know, I

asked around and stuff. And then I

noticed that this person had a lot of

problems on their resume and on their

portfolio. That even though the world is

a bad place, there were a lot of things

that they can improve. And this is the

key thing to understand, right? If you

are looking out at the world and you are

saying, "Oh my god, things are so hard

right now." That is a separate question

from can you do anything? Sure, the

amount of things that you could do could

be lower. Sure, your chances of success

could be lower. But is there anything

that you can do? And this is what

separates top athletes from people like

me and you. We focus on the 99 things

that we're not able to do, and they

focus on the one thing that they can do.

>> Mhm.