Yeah, we have a whole culture now of

homosexuals. People who wants to come

and live with you to just eat off of you

until you get tired.

>> Can you tell me about homosexual?

Educate me, Britney, please. Having a

relationship with you, I think, is not

simple. Let's put it that way.

>> Okay. My definition of infidelity is the

exchange of communication. And what I

mean by that is,

>> welcome to Love Maxing with Dr. K, the

show where we talk to real people about

their real dating struggles. I'm Dr. K,

a Harvard trained psychiatrist. And

today we're going to meet Britney.

Britney is a powerhouse. She's a recent

PhD graduate, a professor at a

university, and a full-time mother to

three athletes. And she handles it all

with ease. But she struggles to find

someone who is an equal partner in life.

Like, this is maybe a bit judgmental and

a bit unfair, but like why do you keep

on attracting dead beats?

>> You know what? I've been trying I've

been asking myself this same question. I

don't know. I work with unfortunately

too many young men and young women and

older men and older women to be honest,

okay,

>> who are looking for one of their

partners to be their parent. Talking

with Britney shows us why dating is so

hard right now. You can have reasonable

expectations, but that doesn't make them

easy to meet. But I I don't know if this

makes sense. The people who are

accurately able to assess what it takes

to date you also are accurately able to

assess that it takes a lot. I mean, you

call it the princess treatment, but it's

not the princess treatment, right? I

>> I think what you're asking for is

someone to take care of you every now

and then. This interview shows how

complicated searching for the right

partner can be. And if y'all want more

insight into finding the right partner

or making it work with the right person,

check out Dr. K's guide to love, sex,

and relationships. Let's dive into the

interview. Can you just tell me a little

bit about yourself?

>> My name is Britney. I'm 37. I am a uh I

work in education actually K through 12

and professor um at a university.

>> Um I do a I'm like the jack of all

trades. I do a lot of stuff like um you

know volunteer with my church and I also

am the uh manager of my kids sports uh

team. So I do a lot of things in that

capacity. Um again I am a doctor as

well. I have my doctorate in uh

curriculum and instruction. My biggest

history of background is in social work.

So my bachelor's and masters in social

work. So working with the people,

speaking for the people, advocating,

right? So that's really a big just on uh

my life. U mother of three. I have twin

boys who are 11 and my daughter who is

four. Very active in everything, church,

sports, community.

>> So my first impression sitting here is

that you're kind of a powerhouse.

like I I mean well-educated

um professional

uh you know involved with your kids

extracurriculars, right? So I think a

lot of parents will like

>> send their kids to extracurriculars, but

it sounds like you're kind of in the

trenches with them volunteering for

their sports and you're active in your

church.

>> Yes. So, I mean, you seem Can you help

me understand a little bit about your

energy level and like how you find the

time, bandwidth, energy to do all of

that?

>> So, um I have a theory and that theory

model is you find time for the things

that you want to do.

>> Okay?

>> Right? And you can even apply that to

dating. If you really want to, you will

try. Right? Um but energy levelwise um

because I am a single parent and I take

the boatload of parenting like 100% of

the parenting I'm doing it by myself um

you know you have to find ways to engage

outside of the norm right because again

it's easy for us just to you know go to

school go to work come home right and

I'm a big advocate for sports because I

played it when I was a kid it was my

escape away from you know just the the

the the craziness of the house. Um, but

as a parent, I'm like, you're not about

to get on my nerves, so let me find

something for you to do. Um, and um, you

know, again, I get a chance to watch

you, embrace you, and also, you know,

kind of coach on the side on the

sideline of it as well. So, um, again,

I'm a manager for their track team. Um,

and,

uh, for my twins, and for that, um,

again, it just kind of came about. I'm

really big with organization. And um I

noticed like you know this was a team

they were just now building and just

trying to get everything in line. So you

know they kind of asked me to help out

in certain capacity and I was big like

hey I need to know where I'm going to be

when I'm going to be you know how long

I'm going to be there. Just all of those

things. Again just as a parent it was

just like oh well we can use you for

that. And so going on four years I enjoy

I kind of work the background of it.

Yeah. The background. So all of the the

websites and all of that I

>> Oh wow.

>> Yeah. So, I I I control the our team

app, the website, um parent relations.

So, all of that capacity. Um and again,

like I said, I just kind of coordinate

time of like, okay, I'm working on this

right now. This is for track. I'm

working on this for church. I'm working

on this for that. So, just kind of

shovel those things out. And then when I

shut down, I shut down. I shut down from

everything. I close my room door. Yeah.

>> What What does shutting down look like

for you?

>> Um sometimes it's difficult to shut down

because like again that that energy that

you're hearing now, that's me all day,

right? So I'm like completely drained,

but then there are some days I'm just

like knock

sometimes shut down is just literally um

phones going to the side. Um I'm going

to watch junk TV some not reality TV but

more of u like just whatever shows you

know ever since co I love how they have

all the u all the seasons together so I

don't have to wait the next week to

watch a show. Okay. So, how does time

for dating work for you?

>> So, um it has been rough. I I I've it's

been it'll be four years this year that

I've been divorced. So, um there was

definitely no push to just run back out

there.

>> Um again, I've tried the dating apps.

You can have it. I don't want it. Um

again, like I said, just it's not

genuine, right? Um but then like I said,

the opportunity to kind of go out,

right? and like meet people. It's It's

um kind of rare when you say because

again like I say my kid I I wake up at

5:00 a.m.

>> and I don't get home until like 8 9:00

p.m. depending on the day because of

sports and then teaching. Um and then

Saturday morning sports by the time you

get through playing with the sun,

Houston sun, you're done for the day.

>> Yeah.

>> Sunday you wake up church getting

yourself ready for the next week. So

days just kind of crash into themselves.

>> Yeah. And and so do you mind if I ask

you about your previous relationship?

>> Um sure. Go ahead.

>> So you said it's been four years since

you were divorced. What did that

relationship look like?

>> Um as far as what what do you mean? What

does it look like?

>> Like how how long were you together?

What what were how did y'all get

together? What did the

>> um so we went to college together? We

knew each other like knew each other in

passing but never just as a

conversation. Met each other years

later. I want to say over

probably somewhere over 10 years later.

Um you know kind of connecting on the

the past of going to an H.B.CU the

preview and university. Um you know I

used to I used to work as the sports

administration assistant and he actually

was a a football player. So that was our

initial connection and just you know

just life and then co

>> and then you know co really teach you

about people. It it taught you about it

taught me, sorry, it taught me about,

you know, um again someone's true self

when you're having to be in the house

with them um on the concert because you

couldn't go anywhere, right? Um that

person being your lifeline, you know,

because again there was no no outs. And

so just from that, just learning that

oh, you know, just a lot of things that

claimed to be really wasn't. So um

literally uh pregnant I was in my doctor

program and we got married and divorced

within a year.

>> And then as co progressed sort of you

started to see a different side of him.

>> Yes. Yes.

>> Um are you comfortable sharing what you

saw?

>> Um I mean again the the um the

wait the influence of social media

right? um you know you can be a

different person on there right and so

to you know just to see that oh

Instagram you know um Snapchat Facebook

that you know you don't you don't have

to disclose you know certain things you

know being married being in a

relationship unless you want to so

to find out that there are other people

trying out for a spot that was already

taken it's like oh okay well you can go

back and have that spot

>> yeah so you know this Britney I I

totally understand why like you know

people's reluctance to talk about this.

The reason I'm asking about it is

because it is like shockingly common.

>> Mhm.

>> I agree.

>> And and like you know so I mean what I'm

hearing you say is that

>> you saw that your husband was not and

not we don't have to go into too much

detail but basically was representing

himself away in a particular way on

social media that was not really honest.

>> Yes. and and you saw that and then you

were like this is not okay and then

that's the end of it or

>> Yes, because the big the biggest rule

for me when it comes to any relationship

and I think everybody has their um their

breaking point or their dos and don'ts,

right? And so my biggest thing is

infidelity like I just there there's

nothing in my brain that helps me wrap

anything around it for it to make sense,

right? I don't believe in it. Meaning

that I don't do it. So, you know, going

into any type of relationship, I

communicate this like, hey, you know, we

can work through some things, but this

right here, I can a deal breaker.

>> Mhm.

>> And and so what's your understanding of

people who are not what's your

understanding of people who don't think

like you?

>> Well, I mean, just being honest, you

know, if you don't feel like you can be

in a monogous, right? I think monogous

relationship, then just be frank because

again, you have to give the other person

opportunity to decide if that that's

what they want. Do they want to be in a

poly relationship? Do they want to be in

a monogous relationship? But you trying

to be someone else, but then also trying

to maintain the things that you're

gaining and maintain the things that

you're gaining and you know all of that

from the other person. It's just not

fair.

>> Okay. And and so makes makes perfect

sense. So you're like, you know, if you

if you want to be Pauly, be Pauly, but

be upfront about it. Be honest about it.

Let the other person make an informed

choice,

>> right? Um, and so since things ended

with um your ex, what so it sounds like

you were not super eager to jump back

into the the dating world? I mean I

think um no it was not um and again like

I have made attempts again it's going on

four years but a lot of it is being like

say just that hiding behind the camera

hiding behind a profile hold hiding

behind a picture versus just you know

being direct and straightforward for

what it is that you want. you know, um,

you know, again, people will post these

things on their profiles saying that,

um, you know, they want someone that

they could, um, what do you call it?

They want someone that they could have a

forever with, right? But then you're

also saying you want a pilot

relationship or that, you know, you want

to be able to explore the field. So,

it's like,

>> do you really know what you want, right?

Um, but then, like I say, you have this

profile of, you know, this person of

things that you may see. I mean, this

profile of this person, but then when

you start talking to them, you start to

recognize that you're not stable. You

don't have a job. You know, you got, you

know, you got all these different things

going on. It's just like, so how can you

welcome someone into your life when you

don't even have a stable foundation to

sit on?

>> So, by the way, thank you for sharing

all this. This is like eye opening. Um,

you know, I I thought it was interesting

you use the word hiding behind a profile

and you shared a couple of examples of

saying, "I'm looking for something

long-term in my forever person, but I'm

into open relationships."

>> So, so do do you find that people are

deceptive?

>> Oh, very much so. Cuz it's it's it's

it's the aspect of like likes and seeing

who all is going to, you know, debate

who's going to take it. And some people

do fall for it, but it's like again once

you start to have that conversation and

starting to to engage with them, it's

like um you're not who you say you are.

So yeah.

>> And can you give me a little bit more

color into that? So when someone like

what would someone what would you see on

the profile and then what would they say

that would signal to you that they're

not who they say they are?

>> So let me give an example. So there's a

app there's a dating app where it moves

with you. meaning that if you're in

Houston and then you have to fly to

Atlanta, right, it would move to at it

would now show you active in Atlanta. So

again, you're if you know that your job

is going to require you to be doing like

a lot of movement again, not really

having a stable foundation of saying,

"Oh, I live here." You know, so it's

just kind of like you're just kind of

just accepting the invitations and the

messages from anywhere because again,

the app is moving with you. Does that

make sense?

>> Yeah. So, um,

>> so someone's job requires them to move

around a lot and they're talking to

people

>> just to travel. Just to travel. Yeah.

So,

>> and they're talking to people in

multiple cities.

>> Yes.

>> Okay.

>> Yes.

>> And, and when they say, "I'm looking for

something long-term." That doesn't that

seems deceptive to you?

>> It's deceptive. I feel in some case and

again so I for for me I just feel like

it feels deceptive in sometime in cases

because

um you just kind of I guess again it may

be a trust issue because I'm not sure

what's going on whenever you you know

you're making that move right you know

and again if you're just there for the

weekend um but you will find like um so

let's just say you were in Houston on

Monday we're chatting or whatever on

Monday your job requires you to go to

Atlanta on Wednesday but I don't hear

from you again till Friday like that

those long periods of times without

communication. So, do you want are you

asking that to be a norm, right? That I

that I am to not be communicating with

you or to hear from you for a long

period of time because that if just

being mindful that whatever it is that

you accept during that dating phase is

you can't be mad at when you decide to

make yourself exclusive.

>> So, whenever that travel comes in, it's

just like, oh, I don't hear from you

again till you're back in Houston.

That's deceptive to me, right? Because

what are you doing that's requiring you

not to communicate? All right.

>> Loneliness is at an all-time high.

Sexlessness is at an all-time high.

Relationships are probably in the worst

state they've ever been in the history

of humanity. And that's why I made Dr.

K's Guide to Love, Sex, and

Relationships. Let's talk about who you

should actually date. Falling in love is

sometimes one of the biggest mistakes

that you can make. You know, I started

to do a lot of research about how to

have like really good sex. Visit

healthygamer.gg/guide GG/guide to learn

more. Good luck out there, mother. Y'all

are going to need it.

So, what would you be looking for in a

situation like that?

>> I mean, whose job really just takes them

completely out of pocket, right? And I'm

just thinking just of like again, you

have to fly, right? You land in Atlanta.

Hey, I've made it. You know, oh, I'm

about to walk into this meeting. Um,

I'll talk to you later on tonight once I

get settled. Those are like little short

like you know little short check-ins,

right? Like those don't hurt but four or

five days

>> and nothing like No.

>> I gotcha. Yeah. And you were about to

say something else. Sorry. Before I cut

you off.

>> Um you know again like you're you're

putting this this thing that okay I'm

looking for I'm looking for these things

in this in this in this woman. I'm

looking for someone who's God. I'm

looking for someone who is stable. I'm

looking like like they're throwing out

all these different things, right? But

they are not right. Again, I can kind of

go back to the essence of stability.

You're staying with a friend. You don't

have a job, but you want a woman who got

a job or who has their own home. Like,

no, you can't ask, don't ask me of

something that you can't produce.

>> Gotcha. So, it's those things again that

comes through conversation, right? That

was like, what's on your profile? We

match, we match, you know, we connect,

we're talking, then all of a sudden I

start finding out life for you is not

what you have on your profile.

>> Gotcha. So, so and I makes perfect

sense. Let me just make sure I got you.

So, you know,

>> someone says, "Hey, I'm looking for

stability." But their own life is

unstable. They don't have a steady place

to stay. They don't have a a clear job.

So, they're sort of asking for something

that they don't provide.

>> Exactly.

>> And and I can totally see how, you know,

you would sort of have to do that,

right? Because I, you know, if if your,

pardon my language, if your isn't

together, then

you can't advertise that, you know.

>> Yeah. We have a whole culture now of

homosexuals. People who wants to come

and live with you to just, you know,

come live with you, eat off of you until

you get tired.

>> Can you tell me about homosexual?

Educate me, Britney, please. Um,

homosexuals are individuals who um

they're looking, they're praying on that

person to take care of them in in

whatever capacity, whether it's living

with them, you know, um, you know,

feeding them, all of those, but they're

they're they're actually living with

you.

>> I mean, do you have any insight to how

someone becomes a hobosexual? Like, do

you have any thoughts about that?

>> I don't get it, but they do it.

>> It seems like it's really important to

be independent to you. Um,

yes. I I I would say independence is

important to me. Um,

>> maybe control is a better word.

>> I don't know. I guess kind of give me

more insight. What do you mean by in

control?

>> Yeah. So, I mean, so I was just looking

at the stuff that you valued

>> cuz I because you said like, you know, I

I want to be able to open my own door. I

want to be able to, you know, have my

own space. Like the thought of being

dependent on someone.

>> Oh, yeah. you know. So, so that's why I

kind of like I was sort of thinking

about you're looking at these

homosexuals and you're like there's like

really no respect for them, which is

fair enough, but then there's also like

complete confusion about how someone

could be like that, right? Maybe

complete confusion is too strong.

>> No, I get what you I get what you

>> but I was like like how do you think

they get that way? And you're like I

have no idea.

>> I don't know.

>> And so as I was listening to just the

examples that you were saying, I I was

noticing how allergic you are to

dependence. Mhm.

>> You know, and I don't mean that in like

a psychoanalytical way.

>> I get it. I do understand where you're

going.

>> You don't want to be beholden to anyone.

And also, you don't want other people to

be squatters taking advantage of you.

>> Yes. And so, so, and when I think about

dependence, like, yes, I I could say I

do not I do not enjoy having to wait on

someone to give me, you know, to give me

things, right? meaning that

>> um like I said I'm hungry you know and

I'm communicating this like okay well we

got to wait till this time I'm like I'm

telling you I'm hungry now right but on

a bigger scale it's more or less of um

I think like say as much as I've gotten

to the point of

um the independence you also reach

survivor mode right and you get to that

point where it's just like you have to

do it on your own if you want something

done the correct way you do it if you

want um if you want certain things, it's

your job to strive for it, right? So

again, I don't understand the homosexual

um aspect because it's just like what do

you want? If you want to be stable, if

you want to have this job, if you want

to have these things, then why are you

waiting on the next person to give it to

you? Um but dependence is definitely

something that I struggle with. Like I

do not enjoy having to wait on someone

to

I guess come through. And again, like

it's one of those things where like if

you tell me you're going to do

something, right, is let's say you tell

me you're going to do something like and

you've already given me the word, you

know, I can sit back on it, but if you

don't follow through, then something in

me is just like Britain, you should have

done it yourself. Does that make sense?

>> Lack of trust then. You can't you can't

trust what they're going to say,

>> right?

>> Yeah. So, I I I noticed um

I I have a couple questions about some

of the language that you use. Okay. So I

I I think it's quite I I feel like I'm

getting something really important from

you.

>> Okay.

>> So So one is you use this phrase, you

know, whatever you accept early in the

relationship is going to be like what

like this,

>> right? So so so can you tell me about So

it feels to me like you've learned.

>> Oh, I've learned a lot.

>> So so so you you know and that's that's

the feeling I get sitting with you. I I

get a feeling of wisdom.

>> Yeah.

>> You know, this isn't just like what you

get in your PhD. This is like Yeah.

You've been through life and you have

learned some really important lessons

and I hear it coming out in your

language.

>> Okay.

>> And and so can you tell me where the

story of how you learned? Okay. Whatever

you accept on week one is what you're

going to get

>> later. Can you

>> and sometimes you don't really see it on

week one or whatever. But once you

acknowledge that this is something that

this person is doing and you don't like

it, but you don't speak up and say

nothing and then it just flows, meaning

like time passes by and then all of a

sudden you want to make a big hur out of

it. It's just like but you didn't say

nothing then, right? And so, you know,

just kind of go back to that aspect of

infidelity, right? And so people have

many different um definitions of

infidelity, right? people's some

people's definition may be once they've

slept with someone or kissed someone. My

definition of infidelity is the exchange

of communication. And what I mean by

that is, you know, um it's not no one

like if we're in an exclusive

relationship, it's not another female's

job to be checking on you, asking you

how, you know, how you doing, how's your

day going, do you need anything? Now,

we're not talking about mama, grandma,

cousin. we're not talking about, you

know, any familiar kin relationship, but

another female who again may be seeking

to, you know, go somewhere further with

you. Um, so again, like I've had that to

where, you know, I've seen text messages

and, you know, social media u messages

um asking about the day like they can

literally tell me where this person is

and oh, I'm going to meet you there. And

I'm like, that to me is cheating. It's

infidelity because it's like why how how

have you why have you given this person

this type of access to you? H

>> how did you how did that become

infidelity for you?

>> Because it's entertaining. It's

entertainment. Like you're entertaining

this person by constantly going back and

forth engaging in a conversation whether

it's a quick meet up to oh we want to

get you know your co-workers want to go

get Starbucks together. like it's still

access to your life that I should be the

only one possessing. So, um it just kind

of came over time was just like oh you

kind of see it as you know that's not

well for one for me I didn't see some of

the things at all but once I saw it you

know just kind of seeing the progression

of it where it goes to you may see a

message once once that week then all of

a sudden it just starts to grow into

three times and then it just become a

constant thing to where this person just

feels comfortable texting and

communicating with you or you know even

the meetup. So again, that even if you

haven't even made to the sexual act,

that right there is considered

infidelity because you're giving this

person access to you that they shouldn't

have when you've already made the

decision to be in an exclusive

relationship with one person.

>> Yeah. Well, so I I was curious because

you use this word entertaining.

>> Yes.

>> So what do you mean by that word? Cuz I

I I think what I'm trying to get a sense

of is

>> it's clear to me that you're picking up

on something.

>> Yeah.

>> That like moves it into the camp, right?

But even when I offer this scenario, and

here's what's kind of confusing to me,

and I and just because it's confusing to

me, I think this is where we understand

each other, right? Cuz I think you're

picking up on something,

>> but the the the odd thing to me is when

you talk about exclusivity, like, and I

sort of think about, okay, well, the

maximum exclusivity is to be married.

>> Oh,

>> right. So, it's it's kind of weird

because

>> and I'm not saying you're wrong or

anything. This is just what I'm having

trouble understanding.

>> So, like, you know, so there are

sometimes people say, "Okay, I'm talking

to this person." And then there are

people say I'm dating this person and

then again being married, right? Like

those are three different levels. And

I'm quite sure that people probably

throw many other things in there. So

talking to someone is just talking to

them like we like you have no you and I

have no ties to each other. meaning that

you know if you want to go and you know

communicate with every chick on your

social media list like we're just

talking like I like we haven't had that

conversation that is going to be

exclusive exclusively us right and that

is the

>> but that's that sounds like that would

not be okay to you

>> the talking phase

>> I mean no I don't I think the talking

phase just needs to be communicated that

hey we're just talking I think for me

I'm just big on communication so if

we're just talking then we're just

talking right so again I'm we may not

hang out as much or anything of the sort

um but again we're just talking to

>> Can I clarify what I meant by that so

what I'm noticing talking to you Britney

is that

>> is that there is

>> I think what you know is like fair and

acceptable okay

>> right which is like in the rules of the

talking phase like obviously someone can

talk to somebody else there isn't many

other like that is the rules of that

game. And what I'm noticing with you,

and maybe this is what we're kind of

getting to, and I'm could be wrong here,

which is why I'm putting it out,

>> is that on an emotional level,

>> that doesn't seem like that's your vibe,

right? Like that that really doesn't

seem like I would be I think, and you

almost sort of indicated this, that

>> learning to talk to more than one person

at a time is something like you really

had to learn and and kind of grow into,

right?

>> And that it feels quite unnatural.

>> It does. Yeah. And and so when I said

when you're not okay with, I don't mean

and and this is something that I've

observed with the people that I work

with is that the current culture of

dating feels really unnatural to like

50% of people.

>> Okay.

>> Right. And and I know that I I think I'm

in the same bucket of like even if

that's the rules, like I'm not saying

that it's not okay to do that. I

understand that that's the rules of the

game, but I don't like the rules of the

game.

>> Right.

>> You know, and and that's kind of the

sense I'm getting from you. And that's

what I meant about you're not okay with

it. Not that you're controlling or you

wouldn't allow it or things like that. I

think you've clearly indicated that

you've kind of had to adapt.

>> Yes.

>> But that it doesn't feel natural,

>> right?

>> Um and then I I guess the other question

that I I had was I was trying to get a

sense of you know there's some kinds of

messages that you kind of see as like

okay they're entertaining something

>> and I wanted to understand what you

meant by that.

>> So if we speak about the aspect of

marriage right so I'm married to this

person you're entertaining someone. so

entertaining to someone is scheduling l

like meetups. Like why are you trying to

go meet up with another female and

you're married, right? Um you know or

>> what what does a meetup mean?

>> Um what is the word they use now? Um

>> like does that mean just like physically

meet someone like meeting someone for

coffee or or or

>> like a hookup like Yeah.

>> Okay. I was like

>> no like a hookup.

um you know basically the the act to be

sexual with them right um so

>> okay yes go ahead I mean so I I that's

why I'm trying to understand the

language because like to me like I I

don't know exactly what you mean by

entertaining but and is that something

that's explicit or is that something

that you're kind of reading between the

lines

>> oh it's direct

direct

>> okay can you give me an example of what

that language would look like

>> I mean it's not too much different than

it was years before like hey let's meet

up at this hotel. Hey, my wife is going

to be out of town this weekend. Hey, you

know, the kids are going to be gone.

Like, that is very direct.

>> Wow. Wow. Wow. Okay. Okay.

>> Wow.

>> Okay. So, so I mean that's quite

explicit.

>> Mhm.

>> Yeah. Okay. That that wasn't super clear

to me.

>> My bad.

>> No, no. I It's It's It's really not. I

It was just I you know I I I don't know.

I don't I don't know what the kids are

saying nowadays. You know what I mean?

>> So, like I think terminology has

changed. The world has changed. I'm just

trying to catch up.

>> Yeah, I'm Same here.

>> I know. And And so tell me a little bit.

You said you said men are reluctant to

communicate. Can you share a little bit

more about that?

>> I don't I don't know if I

overcommunicate.

>> Okay.

>> Um but I'm just I'm big communicator,

right? meaning that if I'm and again

this is something that I had to learn

because naturally although you know I'm

here I'm truly an introvert meaning that

I can leave out of here go home and

don't say nothing for the rest of the

day and be just fine with it right um

but I just think that in order for you

to really know what you want what you're

seeking and you know how that other

person is feeling you have to how the

other person is feeling you still need

to be able to communicate ask your

questions right I just feel like

sometimes men are reluctant just just

communicate you what it is they're

feeling, what it is they're thinking.

They ball it up for so long and then it

explodes and just like but you never

said anything, right? Um but you know,

in the aspect of like say again with the

dating like it's kind of like you know,

oh well since she's not said anything,

her body posture is not you know I'm not

reading you know that she wants to go

the next step or anything like you get

what I'm saying? It's like you're you're

making assumptions versus just

communicating what it is that you want,

what it is that you're seeking.

>> Can you tell me a little bit about this?

like um you know this sounds like

another life lesson that you've learned

about

>> like you didn't say anything or there

was a lack of communication. Can you

tell us a little bit about how that's

how you

>> I guess I mean I'm trying to think of a

better way to say this but I can't. How

you've been burned by that? I get the

sense you've been burned. Like can you

tell me a story?

>> You know um let's just say we had a date

planned and um again for me as a single

parent like I there's it's not just

going on a date. There's preparation,

there's making sure kids are, you know,

um there's a sitter, you know, and then

I have to make sure that food is made.

So, like there's work that I have to do

before I can even get to the door,

right? I gota

>> and then a pretty big investment.

>> A very big investment.

>> Yeah.

>> And then only to get to the door or get

to the car and then oh, we need to

cancel

like nothing like you know. And so um

for me like I it's just it just kind of

in the beginning you used to be like

okay and just g you know why you know

just gone back in the house and you know

just let it be. Um but now I'm like

uh oh sorry

>> no so so before we get to now what

happened next? Oh. Um I mean it so

because I said okay, it made him feel

like it was okay. That oh it's not a big

deal. And so it was just kind of like

the night just went on, you know. Um

whether we whether we talked or not

because I didn't make a big deal out of

it, he didn't see it as a big deal. And

so it got to the point where it kind of

continuously started I mean it kind of

continued, right? um where it was just

like all last minute, you know, changes

in the plans and again just kind of like

>> like what

>> I mean just like whether it was going

out or meeting up somewhere or um

>> like would it be like last minute

cancellations or like I'm running late?

>> It' be last minute cancellations or even

like uh yeah, I would say most of it is

just really just last minute

cancellations.

>> Okay. So if it happened once it's likely

to happen again. I wouldn't I I would

say it needs to be a pattern, but I'm

just saying because I was just so

content or like just okay like I didn't

like ask the questions like why or um

you know hey like it took it's a process

for me to even you know go on this date

like you understand that it took a lot

of work for me to get here. you you know

you don't do you understand like what I

have to go through to even ensure that I

am this person presented for you and you

can just last minute counsel like that

took that's a toll on me

>> and and now you communicate those

things.

>> Oh I communicate big time.

>> What what does that look like?

>> Um so uh like I gave I gave an example

how a guy asked me on a date we planned

it like two weeks in advance cuz he

wanted to go like that same night and I

was like hey it doesn't work that way

for me. I do have children. They have

stuff planned. So, you know, but hey, I

do have an opening on this day. And so,

we planned it out. Um, paint everything

out to the tea. Um, even like we were

texting before, uh, I even left out the

door. Key kids was all set up and

straight. Walk out the door, driving

downtown Houston on get there. And we

get there. Um, again, he's still he's on

he's at this point on the phone with me.

not it's still just having a

conversation looking forward to uh

seeing each other and get there riding

the scooter. So again like the date has

started and uh he was like well hey I

need to go and pick up my nephew my

sister just called me um I do like to

resume this date and I'm just sitting

here like so what am I supposed to do?

>> Am I supposed to just stay here? And he

was like, "It's just not going it's not

it's only like 15 minutes from here."

And I said, "Okay, that's 15 minutes

there and 15 minutes back." And that's

if Houston traffic has not taken over. I

say, "But that's still kind of So I

asked the question, did you know that

there was a possibility that you was

going to have to go pick up your

nephew?" And he was like, "Yeah." I

said, "So why didn't you communicate

this prior to, you know, um today, you

know, prior to the date?" And so he was

just like, "Well, again, she didn't give

me a time frame, but you knew what time

we were going out, right? So it's at the

end of the day, it's like you didn't

take into consideration what I needed to

do and what you know, my plans that I

had said that I may have had may have

moved um to ensure that we got here and

only for you to tell me that you want me

to sit downtown 30 to 40 minutes and

wait on you." No, sir. And literally, I

did not talk to him after that day.

>> Yeah. So, I mean, I'm I'm I'm

envisioning a scenario where it's like,

okay, if I've got a date and my sister

calls me and he's like, she's like,

"Hey, I may need you to pick up my

nephew." I'd say, "Okay, I've got a date

that's between 6:00 and 9:00. So, if you

need me to pick him up, I can do it

before 6."

>> Yes.

>> So, that's what you're looking for from

>> Yes. That's communicate. That's very

direct. And again, like I I don't I

don't understand how that is hard,

right?

>> Yeah. So, I'm curious. I'm so curious

about that. How do you think it is that

you're encountering so many people who

don't seem to know the basics?

>> You know what? If I had to answer, I

could tell you, but I don't know. Like,

and like I say, like the way that I

like, again, I cons I consider myself a

communicator, a good one at that. So, it

and like I say, I've had instance where

again, people always ask me, well,

people have asked me out on a date on

the same day. I'm like, hey, I can't,

you know, I would love to, but I can't,

you know, so I don't understand. I don't

know. Help me.

>> So, Britney, I I have a question for

you. It's kind of um it's a little bit

of a harsh question, maybe. Okay.

>> Okay. And let me know if it feels out of

line to you. I mean, honestly, mean no

disrespect by it. Um what do you think

it's like to date you?

>> I think it may be a little tough. Um,

and the only reason why I say that is

because

when you become for me becoming a single

mother, like I not only think for

myself, I have to think for my children,

right? And what I mean, I'm not saying

like I'm in school with them, right? But

it's just like I I I am the

schedule holder, right? The chef, the

maid, the chauffeur, like I am all of

these different roles, right? And so for

someone to come into my life, they need

to understand what that looks like,

right? Meaning that time is not always

available, right? I can't just drop

whatever I'm doing to just go out on a

date. And I'm not saying that I don't

want to spend time with you, but what

I'm saying is that for me, like things

have to be scheduled, right? Um, so you

seeing all of these highlights of things

that you like, right? that the these

guys seeing things that they like and

they are feeling like, oh, we can just

come in and just and I'm like, no, no,

you're I would think that you would have

a sense of responsibility to take some

of the load off of me, not add to it.

>> I think I'm starting to understand.

>> Okay, I have a couple of thoughts that I

just love to share with you. I I sort of

had this list of questions. I still want

to ask those questions, but I'm really

getting excited about the direction

where this is going

>> and and I may be a little bit more

challenging towards you if that's okay.

Please let me know if you feel

disrespected. It's honestly not my

intent. My intent in this moment is

>> figuring out

>> what it's like first of all to be a

single mom,

>> okay,

>> in dating and the challenges that y'all

face because they seem astronomical.

>> So here's my first thought.

So dating you in the way that you want

to be dated,

not saying that you don't deserve it or

anything like that, is like a pretty big

mountain to climb, you know? I I I think

you're asking for a lot. And I'm not

placing judgment on that, right? But

like,

>> you know, cuz cuz you do have to invest

a lot, right?

>> Right. So So going on a date, which I

can totally empathize with. I I totally

get what you're saying.

>> You have had to car you've had to do the

work of two,

>> right? And you're not going to let your

kids,

you're not going to let the standard to

which kids be raised drop by even 1%

because there is one parent doing it. I

feel that from you very strongly.

>> Church, extracurriculars, mom's managing

the website, you've got a PhD, you've

got a background in social work. So you

have to do it all. You are superwoman,

>> right?

>> Yeah. A and so entering into a life that

you have had to craft is not easy,

>> right?

>> It's almost like so if people really

understand

what a relationship with you looks like

and what it takes,

>> they're able to estimate accurately what

it takes.

>> Yeah.

>> And what it takes is a lot.

Therefore, if you're if you're more

accurate at estimating, it's going to

lower your willingness to enter. Does

that kind of make sense?

>> Lowering the men the men's willingness

to enter.

>> Yeah. So, so like let's say like I'm

listening to you and I feel like I have

a pretty good sense of what we're

talking about, right?

>> So, so it's like I mean it's a lot. It's

going to be

>> um the time that I get with you is going

to be very limited.

>> Okay. the time that I get with you is

going to be fourth on the list,

>> right? So, first is going to come your

kids,

>> then is going to come your job, then is

going to come some combination of the

stuff that you are not willing to

sacrifice for something temporary.

>> Okay?

>> You kind of get what I'm saying,

>> okay? and and and let me know if this

this

>> well I mean

I guess I'm trying to well the aspect of

fourth on the list because even with

that like say a lot of that just like

the communication

the the communication is never avoided

through any of this like stage right

meaning just because I can't meet up

with you like every week right doesn't

mean that like I'm not giving my all

with being able to find that time to

speak with you right um and even if the

date Or even the meetup could be in

passing. Hey, I'm on my way to go and

get the kids, but I have to pass here.

Like, hey, let's meet here for a 30

minute. Like, sometimes those little

things could be thrown in there, but it

just does it won't look like a 3, four

hour date every time, right? Okay. But,

but the communication throughout this

whole process is still happening.

Whether it's text, it's calls, it's

FaceTime, all of that is still there.

Especially with the way the technology

is now, like it's still there. Um I

think the the challenge that I'm seeing

is that sometime there's a lack of

creativity right there's a lack of

creativity in understanding okay well

she may physically can't be there but

how can I still reach out to her or

speak with her in the means of not being

face to face on occasions right but then

I also communicated that there sometimes

there are seasons right so there's a

season there are seasons in my life

where the kids are not in sports right

>> sure

>> so my evenings on the weekdays is maybe

more free, but then can you accept that

following season when hey I'm go go go

go mom. Does that make sense?

>> Yeah. Absolutely.

>> So it's that.

>> Yeah. So so I I I can see I mean I think

that that sort of so I think the people

who understand how to plug into your

life,

>> right? Someone who is able to make those

calculations plan in that way

>> understands what that looks like.

>> Right. And and so and and I I get what

you're saying. I I think there's there's

another point here about communication

where I'm just thinking about if I can

like disclose a bit. You know,

when I think about a romantic

relationship, I'm with you that three to

four hour dates are not in the cards on

a daily basis, that you have

responsibilities, you've got a life. And

I see how you go the extra mile in

communication to maintain that

connection. Right.

>> In between those times, right? Right.

>> Um I think the challenge is

maintaining the connection. What I want

to do is hold your hand every day.

>> Okay.

>> You know, like when I think about a

romantic relationship and and I'm just

sharing my personal opinion. I totally

get that that you're and I I can see how

you really do go the extra mile in every

dimension. Mhm.

>> Um, and that that's sort of the best

that you can do. And I I'll also get the

sense of the bind that you're in that

you can't make compromises on the life

that you've built for someone who's

temporary,

>> right? You're asking someone to to plug

themselves into what you already have

going on. But I think as you get older,

like the plugins are different because

your your your mindset is different. In

the 20s, yeah, you want to hold heads.

in the 30s, you're just like, "Wait, is

what's you know, are you working towards

your 401k and retirement funds?" Like,

we don't have time to be holding hands.

You know, it's it's I think the age of

what you date is different, too.

>> I'm with you.

>> Okay.

>> So, I I think the the reason I wanted to

go down this track is because I I I was

trying to figure out like this is maybe

a bit judgmental and a bit unfair, but

like why do you keep on attracting dead

beats?

>> You know what? I've been trying I've

been asking myself this same question. I

don't know. And I I I I've had this

conversation with my dad. I've had this

conversation with my friends. And it's

just like what is it? And like I say, I

really feel like it's the people the

people who see me are the people who

want to just come in and rest like like

they see peace. They see peace in my

life. They see like functionality. They

see the things that they want and they

just want to just come and just think

they just going to come sit on the couch

like we have in this conversation. It's

very rare that I meet someone who

actually is trying to like working on

their own projects, working on

themselves and want to like, you know,

kind of already have their thing going.

Like I don't know. It's very very rare.

I I have no idea. But yes.

>> Yeah. So I I think I think you stumbled

on one thing that I think is very uh you

know because there are the homosexuals,

right? So I I think there's a group of

people who look um so I I work I used to

say predominantly with young men but I

think that's changed but I I've worked

with a lot of young men who are addicted

to video games and pornography

>> okay

>> and so these are like you know 25 28 31

35 living at home

>> um unemployed you know mom and dad are

still paying the bills and things like

>> not okay not okay sure uh but but you

know I I I work with unfortunately Too

many young men and young women and older

men and older women to be honest. Okay.

>> Who are looking for one of their

partners to be their parent?

>> Yeah. No. Yes. So, yes. So, they look at

your life, they see your stability,

>> they're like, "Oh my god, here's a woman

who's organized, right?" So, so I don't

cook and clean. Yes.

>> Yeah. I don't have to do that labor,

right? And which a lot of times it's

it's really interesting how I had to

learn how to do it because I wasn't

taught how to do it. It was actually

kind of interesting that that we were

how I was socialized and how I was

raised. That's a we can get into that if

you want.

>> Honestly, if you want to talk about it,

I'm happy to share. But

>> so I think that's a piece of it. I think

you attract the homosexual.

>> Yeah.

>> But I think the second thing is the ones

who literally and I think this is the

it's a bit tricky and hopefully I can

explain it. But so when I look at your

life, I I see that it's

having a relationship with you. I think

is not simple. let's put it that way.

>> Okay.

>> Requires a fair amount of planning,

requires a fair amount of organization,

requires a high level of communication.

>> And I think once if I have the ability

to know that, right? If I know that,

then I can appropriately communicate. I

can understand that when when the when I

have a date with Britney and it's

scheduled two weeks out that she's going

to get a sitter, she has to cook dinner

for her kids that she is going to be

paying $150 to even attend the date.

>> Yes.

>> Right. Like so in order for me to have

basically in and in psychiatry we call

this frontal lobe like the ability to

plan and execute like long-term tasks

then I if I'm accurately able to assess

that I'm also accurately able to assess

what it takes which is actually quite a

bit

>> whereas if I'm if my frontal loes are

underdeveloped if I'm kind of this happy

go-lucky like live by the moment

>> free flowing people then I don't

understand

>> no they don't

>> and if I don't understand how what I

what it takes to date you. And I'm not

trying to be judgmental there.

>> Um,

if I don't understand that, then it

won't then I won't run away from it.

Does that make sense? And run away maybe

is a strong word, but like like I I I

think that when I'm sitting with you,

>> you seem very capable. And I I really do

what I get from you the the most

powerfully sitting with you today is

that you've had to carve a life that

normally takes two people and you're

carrying that on your own. Mhm.

>> And and that's a lot. I mean, it's an

amazing achievement. Um, but I I don't

know if this makes sense. The people who

are accurately able to assess what it

takes to date you also are accurately

able to assess that it takes a lot. And

the people who are unable to assess it,

don't see what it takes, are the ones

who are more likely to give it a shot

because they don't realize, okay, this

is going to take a lot, right?

>> Does that kind of make sense?

>> Yeah. And I I mean you can also just put

it in simple I mean in lame's term you

can put it in please help me

>> you can just put it in lame's term is

that you know

>> yes I've built this life and again it

it's came with sacrifices blood sweat

tears like this wasn't easy you know

doctor program is it's not your friend

right um but just to understand like you

have to come with seek you have to come

knowing that you want elevation on your

own right and there are some people who

do not want to elevate in life they are

okay with where they are they are

content with how their life is going.

Those are the people that I typically

meet. But when we talking about the

aspect of elevation, to meet someone

who's like seeking to grow in different

aspects of their life because again

that's what we're doing as we're aging.

We're we're supposed to be still growing

like still wanting things for oursel. So

when you think about the aspect of

wanting I mean see still seeking

elevation if you to meet a guy who's

still wanting to elevate their life in

any type of capacity I feel like they

would understand it because again they

understand that they need to plan those

things out for themselves that you know

they there's no there's no book that's

going to tell you how to do it you know

as much as we you know talk to our

friends it's just like we still got to

put in the work.

>> I'm trying to get a sense so another

thing that I'm sort of getting from you

is a fair amount of rigidity. Now, that

is a that is a word that I think has a

negative connotation and I use it on

purpose.

>> You said my face.

>> Yeah. No, I mean I I I I used it on

purpose and and and hopefully um and and

I I sometimes share things that have a

negative connotation. I I respect you. I

honestly do and I hopefully you're

getting that.

>> But but I I I'm noticing how things are

a certain way, which I you know, I I see

it coming out in ways that are

absolutely positive. So, you have to be

highly organized. You wake up at 5 a.m.

You get home at 8:00 p.m.

while it's not clear who was financially

supporting your kids during that time.

You were

>> right. So working and getting a doctoral

degree at the same time is hard enough

without kids.

>> Exactly. I know.

>> So So I I and and I totally see that.

And part of what I do in my job is see

things that are adaptive and

maladaptive.

>> Okay.

>> Right. So that's where that rigidity is

coming from. So, you have to be highly

organized, but I'm noticing that that

you're and the more I talk to you, I

think, you know, it seems to make sense,

but I I get a certain sense from you

that

>> it's hard for you to see things in a

different way. Not that you won't adapt.

And I think this is a really common

misconception cuz I I think I have a

feeling that if you had someone

>> that that you are actually willing to

compromise.

>> Mhm. I I don't get the sense that you're

like a hard ass.

>> No, I'm not.

>> But I I think it's really hard for you

to see things from somebody else's

perspective.

>> Okay.

>> So, just as a simple example, when you

talk about texting is communication,

um I consider texting to be a burden.

>> Okay.

>> Okay. Um and I think a lot of maybe it's

dudes, I don't know. I'm not sure if

there's a gender divide here, but and

what I'm sort of thinking is I'm I'm

sort of putting myself and I've talked

to like men, you know, and it's like,

you know, do I want to text someone for

two weeks in order to see them for one

date?

>> Well, I mean, I'm not So, when we go

back to that aspect of texting, texting

is a form of communication. So, I'm not

saying that I'm texting you just for two

weeks straight. Like, no. Again, like I

said, the creativity, the FaceTime, the

calling on the phone and texting, like

all of those things are again will work,

right? And again, like I said, if we if

we schedule a date, we schedule a date

to where again it may not be within that

same week just depending on what their

schedule is. But, you know, if a option

becomes open, then you know, it becomes

open. But it's like, you know, it does

suck sometimes saying no, right? That

you don't that I don't have the time.

But then it's just that part of just

like I don't have to answer to nobody,

you know, or I don't um I don't feel

obligated to respond, you know? It's you

know, so when you when you think about

that part of dating,

>> what do you mean you don't feel

obligated to respond?

>> Like

there's just certain times where it's

just like again just kind of going to

that that first where you just talking

to someone like I don't if I just don't

feel like responding I just won't

respond. Like meaning like I just don't

feel like talking. Like I have moments I

just just because my mind is always on

the go. I just have moments I just don't

feel like talking. Right. And so because

I'm not dating, I don't feel obligated

to do anything. Does that make sense?

Like I don't

>> So So it makes perfect sense. And that

actually Sorry. Go ahead.

>> No, no. I'm just saying like because I'm

not dating like because I'm like not

dating now. It's just like you built

like I've built this this this

I don't know what you want to call it,

but it's like I'm doing things on my own

terms. I know what time I'm getting

home, right? Like I like I know all

these things because I've been doing

them for so long. Like it's become a

pattern. So it's like thinking about the

aspect of dating, it's like uh like I'm

having to do something different. So I

think that has kind of getting into your

own

>> What is that? Ugh. Uh, it's just like,

well, I got to change it like like,

yeah, you're just like, I I'm okay right

now, you know? And

>> so to kind of working with trying to get

out of that and going into dating is its

own barrier, too. You having to get out

of yourself because you've been so used

to just doing things on your own terms.

>> So, I'm what I'm hearing there, let me

just make sure I got you. What I'm

hearing there is like,

you know, you've had ups and downs and

right now things are working. Dating

means disturbing your peace, losing

ground on the chance that something will

happen down the road that will be

better.

>> Yes. Or someone wasting your time. Yes.

So you're Yeah.

>> And and and so that that I think comes

through a lot. I think it it speaks to a

really common challenge that people

have, right? Which is that early on in a

relationship, you have to have a really

good reason

>> to sacrifice your stability.

>> Mhm.

>> The thing I I got to be I'm going to

share my own reaction for a second. So,

you know, when you were talking about,

oh, it doesn't have to be text.

>> It can be FaceTime. It can be this. I

was like, oh my god,

>> what?

>> So, here's my my here's a different

perspective. Okay.

>> Okay. And this may not be I'm not saying

like I speak for men or whatever. This

just could be me, okay?

>> But like, you know, I'm thinking about

when I was long distance with my wife,

>> okay?

>> And we weren't married then. But like

>> when I'm in a committed relationship,

when I'm already in a committed

relationship, that is what makes me be

okay with that level of communication.

>> Okay?

>> Right? So that intensive communication

without,

for lack of a better term, payoff. And I

don't mean like just sexually or

anything like that, right? So I'm with

this person to be with this person.

>> And it's not I I I and this is what's

hard. I'm not saying I I speak for men

or anything like that and this could

just be me, but it seems like there's a

pretty high communication burden

>> um early in the relationship and that

communication is really important to

you.

>> Okay.

>> You know, what do you think about that?

I can see where you're coming from and

like I said in the aspect especially

with like long distance dating because

that I mean that is definitely hard.

I've tried that once. Um yeah. So I

definitely get that. I just think that

it comes with the territory. I I I don't

know any way to kind of

I don't know any way to really sugarcoat

that. Right. It comes with the territory

because again it's not me stalling,

right? It's not me saying that. It's

again like there are other people who

are involved and those other people are

my children right so you know especially

with aspect of dating they still come

first they come first right so

>> there's no way to kind of go around that

right

>> well so I'm I'm a bit confused about how

so just a quick thing just to flag for

you so it comes with the territory that

is that rigidity that I was noticing

right That's the way it is. And I'm not

I'm not disagreeing that that is the

right judgment to make. Like I'm not

making a value judgment. I'm simply

pointing out that,

>> you know, sitting with you

>> and hearing the phrase. So like imagine

you're dating someone and they say it

comes with the territory.

>> Yeah.

>> How would you respond? Like how would

that how would that phrase if you heard

that make you feel?

>> I mean, for me, you have to be more

specific in whatever that territory is,

but that's still allowing that person to

make a decision. Do they want to be in

that territory?

>> Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely.

>> But you're communicating that, right?

Like if I know that you take care of a

um

>> if you take care of one of your elderly

parents, right? And again, you have

someone during the day while you go to

work and then you got the night shift.

>> Again, your availability is cut short.

>> Yep.

>> I have to That's me making Yeah. But

it's me making a decision like

>> am I okay with certain evenings not

being able to see this person because of

you know his current responsibilities.

This is my responsibility. We're not

talking about kids who 18 who's sitting

in my house doing nothing. We're talking

about kids who are still in grade

school. Absolutely. So again like that

open communication allows the other

person to determine do are you do are

you okay with this? Makes a lot ofense.

Can you can you navigate this life?

Understanding that we may not be able to

see each other throughout the week like

that. But I do still want to get to know

you. Yeah. So the compromise or not even

say the compromise, the the other part

of it is still saying like I still want

to get to know you. Although these

things could be a barrier, right? Well,

I don't want to say that it's a barrier,

but just could be

>> No, I think that's the right phrase.

>> Could be as a barrier, right?

>> But I mean, I think could be a barrier.

And I I I totally get that you're

>> transparent about it, right? So like

like you don't want to

>> be deceptive,

>> right? and and say like, "Hey, I'm down

for whatever whenever. I'm flexible."

No, you're you're letting people know

what the territory is.

>> But I'm also saying that my situation is

not the only situation, right? So, what

I'm saying is like me being like me

being a single parent and having to take

care of my kids, you know, there may be

other situations out there that comes

with, you know, taking care of an

elderly parent,

>> taking care of someone or even

>> example, by the way.

Um, but whatever it is, like you're

communicating, hey, you know, I do want

to get to know you, but here is a thing

that's going on right now. You know, are

you going to be okay with it or not? And

again, like maybe you don't, maybe if

you don't even know now, let you know,

some time pass and as we are, you know,

trying to navigate this through text,

FaceTime, um, or, you know, to where we

can't actually meet up, are you still

okay with it? you kind of doing those

check-ins because I think the the the

worst thing to experience is being

ghosted because the person just did not

want to communicate versus just, you

know, like just saying like, "Hey, I'm

just really not comfortable with it or

hey, I'm struggling with this." Right?

So, um I'm just saying that me being a

single parent may not be the only thing.

And like when I and maybe catch me if

I'm wrong, like when I think about the

aspect of gamers, like they spend hours,

>> hours, right?

>> So, Let's say if I run into a gamer,

right? Someone who who gaming is their

lifestyle and but I happen to meet them

outside somewhere maybe at somewhere to

get drinks, right? And we just we

kicking it up, you know, we're getting

drinks or whatever and you know, we

exchange numbers, we want to continue

the conversation. It was a good

conversation. You know, tell telling

someone that you're a gamer that doesn't

it doesn't automatically

um give the thought that somebody's

spending 12 to 15 to maybe 20 hours a

day. like it doesn't give you that

thought because I could tell you I'm a

gamer. I own game st PlayStations and

you know my Nintendo Switches, but I

play them when I have the time, right?

So the definition of a gamer could be

different in the in the eyes and the

ears of a person who's hearing it,

right?

>> But you know, so as as that conversation

is going, but then it's just like, oh

well, hey, I need to hit you back cuz

I'm playing this game.

What you mean? Like wait, you're you're

you're taking away time for me because

you're playing a game. Because again the

definition of it may not have

>> if someone were to say that how would

you understand that?

>> I don't know. Again my facial expression

was just like what you're you would

rather spend time playing a game than

actually like talking to me or whatever.

So I would be confusing like at that

point you need to explain to me that

gaming is something that like that's

your form of income you know or that is

how you you know do certain things. So

from that it's just like at that point I

make a decision. Hey, like well me ask

the questions. What does gaming look

like for you? You know,

>> is that what you ask?

>> Huh? No, I'm giving you a whole

scenario. This never happened.

>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, no, but but

I

>> But that is what I would ask. Like, what

does gaming look like for you? You know,

is it just like same thing with people

who does day trading? What does day

trading look like for you? You waking up

at 3:00 a.m. and then you may not go to

computer till 9 9:00 a.m. So, I know

those first six hours a day, I can't

talk to you because you, you know,

talking with your people. So it's again

it's the communication and again you

giving that person the opportunity to

accept you know if they want to.

>> Britney, what are you looking for?

>> What do you mean

>> like what are you looking for?

>> Um

>> it's super clear what you're not looking

for.

>> Um so if we go back to the beginning

conversation um of like me being active

um I'm looking for someone who's

God-fearing right? you know, active in

the church, you know, like

>> um

>> I am a Christian and you know, someone

who looks to God for answers. They look

for, you know, the men of the community

of God, uh the community of the church

for answers, right? So, whenever we're

having our disagreements, you not, you

know, looking for your homeboy who

believe that, oh, you should be have a

whole bunch of chicks lined up like no,

right? Um but even with that again

someone who understands that it took a

while for me to build this life and

build it to the point that there is

peace.

You have to bring peace with you too.

Someone who is self-driven

um you know

I would say career driven as well. And

again like I said I understand certain

career like certain things happen where

you may have to change a career but

you're working on it right.

>> Yeah. What I'm really getting from you

is is direction.

>> Yeah.

>> Like someone who has direction.

>> Yeah. Like I've been I've been driving

this this this uh this Suburban. I want

to hand over the steering wheel.

>> Really?

>> Yes. I want to be a passenger princess,

too. I want to be able to like, you

know, well, hey, you know what? Uh I'm

going to go and the boys got a game

today. I'm going to go and I'm going to

go to the game. I'mma pick them up now.

I bring them back home. Like I get a

chance to go home and just sit. Sorry, I

hit the mic. You know, like I get a

chance to get me time, too. like I I

have no problem

>> handing over the wheel, but the times

that I have have let me know that again

that dependence thing has been an issue

because when I do hand over the wheel,

it ends up back in mine.

>> Yeah. Tell me about that.

>> So, I guess the way to kind of condense

it is you thought you saw what you

wanted and when you recognize that once

you got there that it requires

consistent work because again it's easy

to do the work in the beginning. It's

when life starts to happen, whether

it's, you know, family issues or work

issues and then you're trying to

navigate that and then trying to figure

out everything that's going on at home.

Like some people just really struggle

with trying to navigate different like

aspects, different aspects of their life

that may be challenging challenging

aspects of their life and they just

like, you know what, well, she got that.

Let me just make sure let me get this

together. And I'm like, oh,

>> can you can you give me an example? I'm

I'm having trouble

envisioning.

>> So, let me let me let me throw the next

cat out of the bag.

>> Okay.

>> I've been married twice.

>> Okay.

>> Okay. So, um in relation to my first

marriage, it was like the moment that

tragedy would hit, whether it was like

losing a job, losing a parent, you know,

automatically it was just like, well,

Britney's going to take care of it

because I'm let me deal with this one

thing. Like,

>> like what? like let me deal with losing

you know let me deal let me deal with

grieving on my own let me deal with the

whole aspect of my job whether as you

know just that's the only that's the

that's the only tunnel that they see not

worrying about like you know how it

impacted like how those same situations

impacted the household to where again

that both of us can work on that you

know again like yeah you lost a parent

but you know that was a father-in-law to

me too you know we hung out we spent

time together we've had conversations.

So, I'm grieving as well, but we still

have to be functional, right? And so, I

think about that or um

>> Can I ask one or two questions about

that? Go ahead.

>> So, so like what I'm getting the sense

of is not that they like became a

>> just hanging out on the couch, but that

they sort of started isolating, maybe

throwing themselves into work,

>> um

>> throwing themselves into whatever it is.

It could be throwing himself into the

grief, you know, or Yeah.

>> And and so there wasn't a sense of

togetherness. None.

>> When tragedy struck.

>> Yes. So when tragedy struck, it was just

like, okay, I'm going to deal with this

component. Britney's going to deal with

all of this. And again, that is going to

be that now becomes a barrier because it

was just like

when you think about what you were

already dealing with, what you were I

mean, what was already like what was

already dispersed as partnership like

what someone like the responsibilities

that this person have now has also went

down the hole, right? So meaning like he

was picking up the kids, now I'm back to

picking up the kids. So now that me time

that I once had is now gone or you know

us going together to family events now

went to me taking the kids to family

events. Now my family is giving me the

the the 21 questions about why they are

not there, right? Like you now start

taking on the burden of the issues that

has come about and they their sense of

reality is gone.

So this is so interesting. Um cuz you

know

>> part of the reason we're doing this is

because like I want to understand

>> okay

>> and what's fascinating about this is my

wife has complained to me about this

>> okay

>> this very thing

>> okay

>> that you know there's a lot of like

shared responsibilities that I don't

think about that she kind of takes care

of. So it's really interesting to hear

and I haven't really understood that

100% until actually listening to you. So

thank you for that.

>> No problem.

>> Can you tell me a little bit about like