All right, chat. Today we're going to

talk about why you should lower your

expectations, but never settle. So, a

lot of times the advice that we get when

we're looking for a job, when we're

looking for a romantic partner is lower

your expectations. Lower your

expectations. And this comes from the

internet. This comes from your friends.

This comes from your parents. This comes

from even mental health professionals

like psychiatrists. But when we hear

this, we don't want to do that, right?

Because if we lower our expectations,

we're going to be left with the drags at

the bottom of the barrel. we're going to

just accept like the worst crap out

there and I want more than that. So, I

believe you should absolutely lower your

expectations, but don't lower your

standards. What's the difference? So, we

have to be a bit technical here. An

expectation is literally a prediction of

the future. Like, if I leave for the

airport during rush hour, how long

should I expect it to take to reach the

airport? Right? So an expectation is

literally your brain's capacity to make

a prediction about the future. A

standard is a completely different

thing. This is sort of the minimum or

midpoint of what you will accept. A

standard is what is good enough. Right?

So if I am hiring let's say a maid to

clean my house once a month. What is the

standard that I'm willing to accept?

Okay. So one is about what I'm willing

to accept and one is about what I

predict. And the issue with expectations

is first of all I think it is a good

idea to lower them and then people are

also wondering how. So we're going to

talk about that. So let's be precise

about what an expectation is and where

it comes from. So if you look at sort of

eastern contemplative practices they

will say that peace begins where

expectations end. And in many videos and

streams and stuff like that I've talked

about having zero expectations. But

let's be clear about where an

expectation comes from and why it's so

important. Right? So if we should have

zero expectations which is not what I'm

saying. I'm saying lower them. Then why

the hell does our brain expect so many

things? Okay, so this is where we got to

understand why we've evolved

intelligence. So basically our brain

exists, this is simplified. Our brain

exists to make future predictions,

right? That's like how organisms

survive. Let's say I'm a impala in the

Serengeti and I'm drinking from a

watering hole and I I'm drinking from

the watering hole and I make prediction

drinking from this watering hole is safe

and then a crocodile jumps out at me.

Now if I was wrong in that prediction I

could die and let's say that I happened

my reflexes kick in I jump back

crocodile doesn't survive and then next

time I mean sorry crocodile survives but

I survive everybody survives in this

scenario next time what is the

prediction what should I expect the next

time I go to the watering hole right I

should expect that there will be a

crocodile there this is why we have

developed the capacity to make

predictions this is why it is so this is

why it is so easy for the mind to have

expectations because expectations are a

crucial survival mechanism. So in the

scenario of this impala, the key thing

here is that the impala made a

prediction, right? It had an expectation

and it turned out that that expectation

was incorrect. So this is vitally

important because if the impala does not

learn from this mistake, if it continues

to make the same prediction, it'll die,

right? That's what ends up happening. So

when we make a prediction and that

prediction ends up being incorrect, we

need to adjust that prediction and this

is where lowering your expectations

comes in. So as a psychiatrist, I work

with people who have all kinds of

expectations and these are like brutal

expectations. My dad or mom will show up

at my graduation. They will show up.

They love me, right? They will make

sacrifices for me. They will listen to

me. My parents don't have borderline

personality disorder anymore. like one

day they will provide me with the love

and support that I I want. When I loan

money to a friend, I expect that this

this uh this friend of mine will give me

that money back, right? They'll pay back

the loan, but I've loaned them money

three times and I'm not able to and

they've never paid me back. So,

literally, and there's a lot of evidence

that shows that mental illness is

correlated with maintaining

expectations, like literally. And a lot

of the psychological interventions that

we do like things like psychotherapy is

to help patients lower their

expectations. Let's make accurate

predictions of the future. Okay? And why

is it important to make accurate

predictions of the future? So now we're

going to get tunnel down into a little

bit more neuroscience. Okay? So I want

you all to go back to the impala. So

let's say I'm the impala and I make a

prediction that this is safe and then it

ends up not being safe. Okay? How does

the brain enforce

moving the safety calibration down to

here? Right? So, how does the brain

ensure that I will change my prediction?

It makes this gap hurt. Right? So, when

we have an expectation, I believe that

my dad will show up at my graduation.

And when they don't show up, how do I

feel? It hurts me, right? It hurts so

much. And why does the brain punish me

for an inappropriate expectation? It is

to try to get me to change my

expectation. Let's start living in

accordance with reality. I keep seeing

comments, Dr. K, how do I apply this to

a situation in my life? That's literally

why we created a coaching program. Our

coaches are certified on an

evidence-based curriculum designed to

help you get [music] unstuck. This

involves analyzing your patterns,

increasing your understanding, and

working with you week [music] to week to

help you develop a plan to create

lasting change. So if y'all are

interested, check out the link in the

description below. So literally,

scientifically, neurologically, a lot of

our suffering in life comes from this

prediction error. The gap between what

we expect and what we get, that is like

the size of the pain that we experience.

So if we lower our expectations, a

couple of really important things will

happen. we will no longer be as hurt and

our outcomes will actually improve

because the predictions we are making

will be more accurate with the world

around us like I won't be late for my

flight if I accurately predict that I

will encounter rush hour traffic okay so

we should lower our expectations and

there is one really simple way to do

this which is make a prediction like

literally literally sit down and ask

yourself what should I predict about

this situation. I've asked my boss for

time off three times and they always

like hem and haw and it takes them a

month and I have to chase them down.

What should I predict about this

situation? Okay, literally don't worry

about what you want. Don't worry about

you know what you need. Don't worry

about what will leave you unsatisfied.

Literally just make a prediction about

the future. Now let's talk about

standards. So this is where we want to

separate out what we predict will happen

with what is acceptable. Right? So if

you have a boss who may not get back to

you about your vacation request, that is

still unacceptable, right? So that's a

standard that you should not violate,

but don't add the additional pain of

making an inappropriate expectation

hoping that they will be different this

time. Which by the way, so now we got to

talk about this as a little bit of a

quick aside. If prediction errors are so

important, if like aligning our mind

with reality is so important,

why is it so hard to do? You right. So

like if my dad has never showed up for

one of my basketball games, why do I why

the do I think that he'll show up

this time, right? What the hell is wrong

with my brain? So this is where

unfortunately we are evolved human

beings, which means that remember the

gap between what your expectations are

and what happens. This is where we this

is where pain is, right? This is the

size of the pain. So then our our brain

has a has a slight problem which is that

when it experiences pain, it has

compensatory mechanisms, right? These

are things like narcissistic defense,

denial, right? when someone attacks me

like, "Oh, this your drinking is a

problem." Like, "Oh my god, it's a

problem. It's a problem. It's a

problem." Let's deny it because that

that the realization of that pain is so

great that our our brain literally has

compensatory mechanisms to put our heads

in the sand and ignore the pain. Okay?

That's why we do this. That's why this

is so hard to lower your expectations.

At the same time, what we really want to

do is still focus on just literally

making a prediction about the future.

And when you make that prediction,

there's a good chance that that

prediction will hurt, right? So I I'm

thinking about a patient who, you know,

had a kid and married to a gamer and

they had this like hope that their

boyfriend addict fiance addicted to

video games would change when they had a

kid, but like they didn't change, right?

The kid didn't actually magically change

the the problems. And accepting that

ahead of time and and helping that

patient accept that like really really

hurts. So we have to sort of accept the

psychological pain when we make accurate

predictions. So let's get to the issue

of standards. So this is where I think

generally speaking you shouldn't

compromise your standards, right? So if

you want a partner who is available and

supportive and attractive like you

should not compromise on those things.

But there are situations where standards

are too high. So let's talk about that.

So I know we said don't lower your

standards but in some people I think

it's important to lower your standards.

And I know you guys hate that. I know

y'all are like, "Oh my god, like I don't

want to lower my standards. I want what

I want." But we'll get there. We'll get

there. We'll help you. We'll help you

figure out how to achieve that in a

second, okay? But let's be clear about

sometimes people's standards are too

high, right? This is not what they

expect. This is what they are willing to

accept. And my favorite example of this,

I've seen like, you know, shorts about,

you know, people who will ask people on

the street like, "What kind of partner

are you looking for?" And then they

tally up all those things and they make

a statistical analysis and they're like,

"This is insane. You're looking for a

person who's literally one in a

million." Okay. So, how do we know if

our standards are too high and if we

should lower our standards or we

shouldn't lower our standards. So, this

is where there are a couple of things

that lead to standards that are too

high. And one is something called a

compensatory standard. When I got an

when I get was getting lots of Fs, I was

chain failing classes back as a freshman

in college. My standard was to get an A,

right? Because I needed to compensate

for failure with a really high standard.

I need to make up for that failure. So

that is not a good idea because then you

create a situation where the standard

that you have is unattainable. Right? So

the minimum that I'm willing to accept

since I got an F, I have to get an A.

And if in the first two weeks of my

classes, if there was a single B, if I

got a B on my first exam, I would drop

the class, right? And then I've spent a

bunch of money, I spent 3 months not

advancing my degree at all. That's why

it took me 5 and 1/2 years to graduate.

So sometimes our standards are too high.

And if they're too high, they create a

problem. The first is they set us up for

failure, right? So, if I'm getting

straight Fs and I'm shooting for A's,

that gap is huge. What's what would be

way better is if I set a standard for a

C. Like, bro, let's focus on passing and

then we can work our way to an A. We

also see this a lot. I see this a lot in

like the incelss and and people that I

work with where it's like a lot of

people will ask, why don't the incelss

date the fem cells? Like, y'all are all

alone. You're looking for command. You

should just date each other. Like, it's

problem solved, right? But but this is

the challenge is a lot of people have a

very very very high and arguably

unattainable standard for the kind of

person that they want to date. And this

is where like we don't want to

compromise on that, right? So let's talk

about how to achieve high standards. So

this is where I think like getting to

where you want to go, right? Even if you

want to shoot for the moon, I say shoot

for the moon. But don't confuse your

goal from the standard which is what is

good enough which is the median of what

you are willing to accept from your

expectation. And when you separate these

three things out you will be be able to

navigate life better. Right? Because I'm

going to expect very little but I'm

going to continue to aim for my

standard. And once I achieve my standard

then I'm going to iterate towards what I

want. So, we've got a relationship guide

coming out or maybe it's already out

that navigates all this stuff and helps

you figure out how to find happiness in

a relationship. So, let's break this

down. Okay, so first thing is let your

expectations be accurate predictors

based on past data. So, if you text

someone on a dating app, the likelihood

that they don't respond is pretty high.

The likelihood that they flake is pretty

high. So, set your expectations

accordingly. Second thing is work

towards what your goal is. Don't set the

goal as the standard. This is how people

achieve excellence. They don't start out

of the gate being excellent. They start

off doing the minimum and then doing

better and then doing better and then

doing better. How do you get to diamond

rank or platinum rank or ultra

challenger mega rank in any particular

video game? You start at the bottom and

you slowly work your way up. Okay, so in

terms of relationships, for example,

like a lot of people are interested in

this and this and this and this. This is

where like generally speaking most of

the successful and happy relationships

that I've seen involve two things. They

involve someone that has some kind of

spark. There's some kind of emotional

connection, right? Which is really hard

to create, but we talk about it in the

guide. And the second thing is a

willingness to change. So the

relationships that the person that you

start to date today is the person that

you're going to be dating 20 years from

now depends really on one variable,

which is what is their willingness to

change. This is how you move from a

standard to a goal. Okay? You accept the

minimum and then you work your way up.

So in the case of something like a job,

you know, this is where like if this is

not an acceptable place, polish up your

resume and look for a different job. It

doesn't have to be perfect because if

you're looking for a perfect job, which

I've had problems with. I mean, I've had

uh patients who will do this, right? So

I had a a patient who had a PhD,

graduated from an Ivy League

institution, one of the top institutions

in the United States, and then the job

market was really bad. So they weren't

able to find a job like the first year,

the second year, and then it became year

number three, and then year number four.

And many of their colleagues were like

in leadership positions at startups and

things like that. And so then like then

they were four years out of postphd have

no work experience and they refused to

apply for entry- level positions because

they're like I have a PhD from Stanford.

I'm I deserve to be a senior VP or a VP

of development product development at

this kind of company. I won't accept

anything less. Right? So they're

unwilling to start with the minimum

standard and work their way up. Now

here's the thing that is also really

confusing which we have to talk about

because I know you guys don't want to do

that, right? like, "Oh my god, Dr. K, I

don't want to do that. I want I want to

find the perfect person from the

get-go." So, here's one last thing that

I want to share with y'all, which is

what you are happy with, what brings you

contentment, and what you want are

actually independent of each other.

Literally, the circuits in the brain

that lead to happiness and contentment,

two different circuits. The serotonin

circuit, simplification, right? Because

neuroscience is complicated. the

serotonin circuit which leads to mood,

contentment, peace, things like that. So

when we have high serotonin levels and

the endockinabonoid circuit. So

literally the the circuit of liking

things is different from the circuit of

wanting things. So hideonics are

endockinabonoid. That's how much you

like something. And serotonin, which is

generally mood, peace, and contentment.

Wanting stuff is dopamine. Okay, so this

is the last thing that we're going to

kind of talk about. I don't know if this

makes sense. Wanting something is a

prediction of perspective. of enjoyment.

Liking something happens after the fact.

Do you all get that? Like, I can want a

burger, but my enjoyment of the burger

happens after I eat it. This is really

important to understand. So, this is

what's really messed up. The things that

we want are not necessarily the things

that make us happy. And the best example

for that is multiplayer video

games. I want to play a good game of

Dota. I want to play a good game of

League of Legends. I want to play PUBG.

I want want want. But when I do it, it's

not even fun. Like, what the hell?

Right? And this is what's really scary

as a psychiatrist who works with people

who want all kinds of things. The things

that you want, you may not even like.

And the things that you like, you may

not even want. These are two independent

variables. So, it's okay for there to be

a gap between what you want and what's

the minimum you are willing to accept.

And you may be amazed by how happy that

makes you.

Are you doing it for me?