since starting the Diary of a CO one of

the most popular questions I get asked

is what are your favorite episodes and

what are your favorite guests now I

don't think about it in terms of that I

think about moments and insights so in

this episode we're going to do something

a little bit different I'm going to show

you four moments from the Diary of a CEO

that genuinely changed my life and

changed how I think about one of my core

beliefs that I then actioned that made

my life better

[Music]

in your book that little voice in your

head is this concept of neuroplasticity

oh it says it on the back of the book it

says

um retrain your brain for maximum

happiness this concept that we can

retrain our brain physiologically seems

like

nonsense and I can't change my arm

so when someone you know asserts that

you can actually change your brain you

can change your arm I can change my arm

of course what tattoo no you work out

that's true when you work out you're

building muscles in your arms and that

same exact process is exactly what

happens inside our brains and it's

called neuroplasticity the only

difference is that you don't see it you

don't see it visibly you can see your

muscles growing because that's the

function that they need you know they

need to grow to perform but in your

brain what actually happens again like

computers it's almost as if you loaded a

new piece of software I need a new piece

of operating system uh on on your brain

literally for every one of us listening

uh everyone listening to us to it right

now at the end of this conversation

their brain will be why are they

differently than when it started every

single instance of anything that you do

literally rewires the hardware itself

the neurons that fire together wire

together okay so imagine the old days of

the switchboard okay and

um you know Steve wants to call his mom

so you you know crank your phone and the

operator says uh you know hi how can I

help you and you say can you please

connect me to that number and she would

literally take a wire and Patch you and

your mom's phones together okay after a

while the operator constantly every time

you call you want you ask for your mom

so the operator goes like why am I even

wasting my time on this let me just

patch that wire to his mom all the time

okay so that's exactly what happens in

our brains if you if you perform a sin

give a certain function your brain

starts to build networks that make that

function easier to perform in the future

if you do it one time it becomes a

little easier if you do it 20 times it

becomes permanent okay and there are

there are tons of studies that if you if

you take a simple task like tapping your

finger on the table okay and you're

requested to do that say 20 times every

hour after a few days you'll find that

you're so much better at tapping your

finger on the table and you can do it

much faster you can do it consistently

and you can do it in the background

Gamers know that for certain okay the

problem with neuroplasticity is if you

tell your brain to wire for tapping your

finger it will if you tell it to wire

for solving complex mathematical

equations it may take a little longer

but it will if you tell it to wire for

hating people it will become very good

at hating if you tell it to wire for

fearing the end of the world because of

what the media is telling you it's going

to become very good at feeding the world

I know some of these people I have no

absolutely and you don't want them in

your life the challenge of our modern

world is that we think that this brain

is supposed to be there to make us

successful

yeah okay first of all it's not the

primary function of the brain the

primary function of the brain is to make

you safe okay and then the secondary

function that we push human as humans to

that brain to do is to invent iPhones

and create podcasts and have amazing

things right that's a secondary function

but believe it or not before that

secondary function your your brain is

supposed to make you happy

because happy is the ultimate form for

you to perform in life if you're not

happy you're not as effective as you

could be at achieving survival

think about it huh if you're grumpy all

the time at work people don't like you

you're not focused uh no one wants to

help you you're wasting most of your

time your brain Cycles uh you know

thinking about the negative and so

you're not Innovative or creative and so

on and so forth it degrades your

performance happy is a better place for

you to be at work because it will make

your customers want to do business with

you it will make your colleagues want to

uh you know to help you out it will make

your boss welcome you and their team and

so on and so forth we are social Animals

by definition and we want to have that

in our life and the easiest way to

connect and to open up and to is

discover the world is to be in a happy

place that's a primary function of your

brain

it's hard for some people you know

because we can all think of someone in

our Lives who has

um certain

wiring very stubborn wiring that almost

seems impossible to unwire and the only

thing we all have that ourselves as well

the Saturn wiring in our brains where

something happens and our reaction to

that thing might be uh you know to

catastrophize it's the end of the world

that's like a it feels like it's a

certain set of worrying where trigger

and then the brain goes through the

circuitry and it goes catastrophe Panic

yeah and yeah and the answer to that I

found was to actually guide that person

or yourself if that's yourself to the

opposite of your wiring so if my if my

wiring is to look at everything and see

what's wrong with it I should

deliberately force my brain to look for

what's right with it so uh you know I uh

when I was when I was coming here it was

very busy in the morning and so I came

late if you remember and my brain's

immediate reaction is oh what's gonna

happen I'm gonna be late for Steve right

that's the immediate reaction of the

brain because something is wrong so it

looks for what's wrong

I could also say and what is good about

that what is good about being a little

late you know he's been recording for

the last few days so it may give him a

little bit of extra time do you want to

know the truth I was so happy you were

late because I was late right so I was

doing upstairs reading that I was

reading the book and I was thinking I

just hope he's like 15 minutes late

he's not coming here perfect so I

carried on going and carrying on going

and Karen I'm going and I just finished

as you arrived yeah so it's perfect time

you see that that is the truth huh

that's the truth that your brain tries

to deny you from seeing and

interestingly you can train your brain

so so basically what you can do is for

every thought for every negative thought

that your brain gives you task it with

the task of giving you a positive one or

two positive ones nine I say nine yeah

because in reality if you look at life

around you more than 90 of life is okay

for the your brain to contribute more

than that as negative is not fair

right so if literally if your brain says

hey by the way this studio is a little

warm what else is about the studio my

friend Steve is there the lighting is

perfect the crew is amazing the you know

the coffee is is not that bad you guys

get got me honey I can go on for hours

right and and the idea is by training

your brain to look for that what are you

actually doing you're firing the neurons

together prostitute so and exactly your

your your book basically says it is the

answer the answer is when you find

gratitude what what that gratitude

Journal that you keep ever that you kept

for years every day what was it telling

you it was training your brain to look

for what's right

that your brain every night that you did

it was like okay it seems he's gonna be

asking to call his mom a lot more often

it seems he's going to be asking for

good things a lot more often I might as

well observe them I might as well find

them and so yes

you said some people are impossible to

rewire they're impossible to rewire if

they've been practicing a certain wiring

for 21 years it's not going to take 21

seconds to rewire anyone including me

and you it will take 21 days let's say

for your brain to recognize I need

different work and it will take maybe 21

months for your brain to say and I don't

need the old wiring anymore okay and the

game here is can you actually keep doing

that can you keep tapping your finger in

a way that trains your brain that this

is the wiring that you need

like can I keep going to the gym and

working on my absolute guns yeah believe

it or not the research will tell you

that a big part of being athletic is

wiring of your brain not your muscles

for your brain to be able to say I will

go even if I feel a little tired I will

go even if I feel a little uh busy I

will go and I will do the right

exercises even if the last push is a

little painful a lot of people will hear

that and go what's the evidence for this

what's the evidence for neuroplasticity

is there science oh there is a ton of

science behind neuroplasticity any

anything from between neuroplasticity

and neurogenesis is when you know

neuroplasticity is to rewire

um the connections between the neurons

and neurogenesis is to actually create

new or new neurons when if you're hit

with a ball for example and part of your

brain is damaged how we can recreate

that right if you have a stroke and how

you create recreate that and ample

evidence one of the very famous stories

is Matthew Ricardo when we spoke about

him in the beginning Matthew's brain

looks different than the average human

brain his insula is much bigger in

relative comparison his prefrontal

cortexism is bigger and and it it fires

more often it's simply because of the

constant neuroplasticity of I need you

to meditate I need you to stay quiet I

need you I mean some of the of of of

Matthew's Journeys would last four years

in isolation I would meditate for four

years maybe be in isolation in Hermitage

for four years right and and so at that

level your brain starts to do very

different things and by the way that's

not unusual now many farmers around the

world live in isolation for a very long

time believe it or not you and I when we

when we spend a long time on airplanes I

I chose a long time ago to not watch a

lot of stuff on that on you know I maybe

watch one movie but not the entire trip

the other bits of Silence that's

actually a form of of meditation I uh

you know my my absolute wonderful friend

Jamie Nelson the photographer if you

know him he photographs indigenous

tribes and the way he does it is he

would go and

and spend a few months outside their

premises you know their Village if you

want in silence you know camping out

there he doesn't speak their language

he's just sitting there waiting for them

to accept him and then he would start to

you know communicate to them in sign

language because it doesn't speak their

language and he's one of the wisest

people I know and I and I said how did

you become this wise I never studied any

of those things and the reality is is

because he's in constant reflection and

meditation he's sitting out there and

he's spending hours and days in

reflection and meditation right because

you're sitting alone all of those things

are our habits and all of us have the

chance to do it I mean so you you could

be on the tube uh for a commute of 40

minutes a day and you could be in that

commute cursing life and that's a very

good 40-minute exercise to work and

another 40 minute going back or you

could be spending the 40 minutes in

gratitude you could be first for you

know uh

the 40 minutes listening to music could

be doing whatever what you will do for

40 minutes a day will rewire your brain

it really is like a paradigm shifting

thought that our brains are in this

constant growth and evolution but when

we look at as you said my muscles are my

muscles are changing State size growing

more fibers to achieve their objective

in a different way and of course my

brain is as well and when you think

about that it's really liberating

because you realize that you're not

stuck with who you are absolutely not so

let's choose what which parts of it are

we going to grow I think that's the

whole point and we grow it with our

actions and our thoughts repetitive

actions thoughts and memories believe it

or not one of the interesting things is

if you take a memory in the past yeah

and you think about it over and over and

over it's as if you're hap it's

happening over and over and you're

growing the neurons that are needed or

you're growing the connections between

the neurons that are needed to trigger

that memory think happy memories okay if

you sit next to your partner and focus

on one thing that they do and go like

they say do this they do this they do

this they do this and forget that they

do a hundred other things that you you

love and appreciate 8 your

neuroplasticity is making you completely

obsessed about that one thing and you

can only see that one thing and

eventually you know some of my friends

after a breakup I go like so what

happened then they'll say one thing it's

like just you could they obsess about it

over and over because your brain is

growing to say he needs to think about

this right I'm gonna make it easier to

think about this I'm gonna make it

faster

more accessible one of the things I've

heard you talk about a lot is your your

journey and your

evolving relationship with sex and

sexuality and how that changed from when

you were very young through the period

when you were drinking a lot

um till today can you talk to me about

that Evolution and what you've learned

about those topics

that might benefit me yes absolutely

so

I'm going to

sort of keep referring to my sobriety in

that period of my life because it was so

transformative

and it revealed so much to me so much

that I could have never imagined at the

time so something that also happened

when I got sober I think this was about

a year into my sobriety

I realized just how much sexual shame I

was holding so much of it and I

initially sort of wanted to fix it

wanted to do something about it what are

some surface level things that I can do

what can I read what can I sort of dive

into how can I deal with it from where I

am now as a 25 year old but I quickly

realized that I actually had to trace it

back to see where it even comes from and

I realized just like so many things it

did come from my childhood being raised

in a Christian home

I learned again not directly more so

indirectly that being a sexual being was

not something that was off God it was

not something that was supposed to be a

part of who I am pleasure was never

discussed sex was never discussed even

Intimacy in general I never saw my

parents hold hands I never saw my

parents hold hands I never saw them kiss

I never saw them hug I never saw any

sort of affection but I knew that they

loved each other I knew that they cared

about each other but affection and

intimacy I just never saw that not for a

moment when I sort of wanted to really

understand where a lot of the sexual

shame was stemming from or just

I'm also even outside of sex intimacy

intimacy feeling very disconnected to

other people when it came to intimacy

but also from myself

I realized that I could only be

expressive as a sexual being if I was

drunk or if I was high if I was in that

place where of course my inhibitions are

low but I had no insecurities I didn't

have to feel like I'm doing something

wrong I didn't have to feel like my

pleasure was wrong but then when I got

sober all of those things came to the

surface and then I I had to look that in

the eye so that also became something

that I started sharing over time as well

I was sort of sharing my journey with

sobriety I then started sharing the

things that were revealed as a byproduct

of me getting sober and sexual shame was

a huge one was a big part of that my

relationship with sex has evolved a lot

yeah over over time I think it was early

in my early years influenced by porn yes

for many people so me too that's the way

I went into the game trying to be those

those male porn stars right

and I think over time and I think

there's this wider issue in our society

specifically I've got to be honest with

men yes

um

what they think that what they think sex

is in terms of this kind of

very aggressive often dominating

transactional

um encounter yeah and then there's you

know again I'm just I'm just talking

freely I don't give a [ __ ] whatever

please do please but I'm seeing a lot in

my in my close friends they're all in

relate they're often in relationships

not all of them where they're having

problems with

their sexual relationship with their

partner they're basically saying things

to me and I'd say this is crazy I'd say

75 to 80 of my male friends are saying

my partner doesn't want to have sex she

doesn't like having sex yeah and I was

there at one point too my partner said

that to me at 1.2 yeah and I took it on

face value I thought they don't like sex

what I came to learn

is that wasn't true but that what what

I'd learned to be sex and what I was

bringing as sex this kind of aggressive

you know whatever

was not yes the language that they spoke

right and I feel like I'm surrounded by

men that need to start seeing sex as a

language because then you can ask

yourself well actually she's speaking

Spanish and I'm speaking English that's

why it's not she doesn't like English

she just doesn't she speaks a different

language yeah I mean yes that's a lot

I'm just dumping that on YouTube no that

resonates so and I'm I'm really glad

that you said this because I think

you're speaking something that is on so

many people's minds or something that

they've just never really put language

to and a big part of my

Awakening if you will and really

addressing that sexual shame is because

I also learned sex from porn at 10 years

old 10 years old so by the time that I

had sex for the first time when I was 14

it was very much like a porn performance

to put it very simply and I speak to so

many people men and women about this

very specific thing a lot of us learn

that we should perform that sex should

be driven by orgasm and ejaculation and

this sort of production if you will

which is not actually accurate for most

people when it comes to what really

actually feels pleasurable especially

for women so I started to realize when I

got sober that every time that I was

having sex for example I faked every

single orgasm it was all a perform I

didn't know much about my body because

I'd learned from porn and because the

men that I was with had also learned

from porn we were just in a performance

and no one's actually talking about it

right so in time times when I was in

relationships and I made myself think I

don't want to have sex I don't want to

have sex anymore it actually was not

that I didn't want to have this type of

pornified sex that's what I actually

meant so what you just said is really

important and I realized that's when I

found tantric sex actually yeah that's

when I found tantric sex around 2018

because I realized that I had always

felt like sex was being done to me yes

that I was not a part of it and that is

how most women feel I I felt like I

needed to apologize

yeah because that's what that's what I

came to learn yeah was that the the

reason why the person I was with had

turned around to me and said I don't

like having sex is and when we got

talking about it after I acted like I

mean let me be clear the first time she

said that I did not understand my little

Neanderthal monkey brain went uh like I

was emasculated by it yeah it made me

feel what is this something that I was I

didn't know

ended up breaking up but this person got

back with this person a year later

when I was maybe a bit more mature I

apologized and I said I want to have a

conversation and I also said to her that

I'm going to be here regardless of

whether we have sex or not yes and then

she could she had a safe enough space to

start talking to me about it and what I

discovered is she'd been with

should I had three previous boyfriends

over the course of seven years

her view of sex was this person comes

and takes from you treats you like this

object and he was with him for five

years treats you like an object takes

what they want from you and then he was

actually going and cheating on her as

well right so Not only was he taking he

was then like hurting her and that cycle

just repeated her relationship with what

sex is was really really toxic she

didn't like that yes she didn't want

that anymore yes and that's what she and

me probably referred to as this word sex

so it was kind of like learning a new

language of sex and what it actually is

that meant she went from the place of

like I don't have sex anymore

to absolutely loving to have sex yeah I

didn't think it was possible I thought

if they don't like sex dump them yes you

know I'm gonna go find someone else

right that will let me take yes and you

know what you you've articulated that so

beautifully in terms of

sex being a language and it's going to

look different for every single person

because something that I realized is

that I could tell when I was with a man

sexually I could tell if they were sort

of

if it was like a script almost like a

play-by-play like this is exactly the

method we do this we do that switch into

this switch into that it wasn't sort of

flowing and very intuitive as to what's

actually needed in that moment which

reminded me of porn and I would also

realize actually and this is something

that I've spoken about so much because I

ended up um starting a sexual wellness

company called Cherry Revolution over

time

and I realized that even some of the

positions I would get in

were very much like porn because certain

positions in porn are like that because

the camera is there not because it's

comfortable because that's the shot for

the viewer to be able to see it so when

I started to see that I'm starting to

replicate this in my most intimate

private moments but we're both doing it

I made myself believe that I didn't

enjoy sex so then drinking and drugs and

everything that came with it I felt like

those were the moments that I could be

fully expressive without needing to

perform which is very interesting

because you would think it would be the

opposite that I would then perform more

but I felt as if I could actually speak

my mind if I didn't enjoy something can

we try this can I do this instead or I

just want to give or I just want to

receive can we be slower and then when I

was sober I felt like I couldn't say

those things because if I say to you as

my partner I might be emasculating you I

might be embarrassing you you might

think something is wrong so I would just

perform and you're performing as well

and then it just causes a huge

disconnect so tantric sex was the first

thing that I came across that made me

realize and really articulated that sex

is actually not a specific destination

did you know that you can actually enjoy

sex without uh ejaculation that you can

have a full body orgasm that you can be

very slow that foreplay can be the main

thing that you do that you can

experience orgasm without penetration

just so many different ways of

articulating that experience of sex and

it's just that an experience

and that changed so much for me it's

such a sort of a narrative violation for

so many people who've spent their whole

life watching porn and then yeah

recreating it this idea that you can

have an orgasm from touch

that you can use energy to to cause

someone yeah orgasmic pleasure and yeah

um

yeah I just that's it's a really

important topic that I think people need

to talk about a lot more and I think

just just saying to someone that's

listening to this that might be in a

relationship where they're not they're

in a sexless relationship yes just

proposing the idea that what if you both

just speak there's just say there was

ten languages what if you're just

speaking the wrong language right you

know what I mean and what approach would

you then take you're probably trying to

learn the language yes yes and also

communicate to them what language you

speak and see and see how you can be

bilingual I guess yeah you know what it

it reminds me of um are you familiar

with Love Languages and and that that

whole thing yes I realized that a lot of

people

expect someone to give in the way that

they like to receive you know so no one

really says okay how do you like to

receive love how do you like to give

love and the moment that I started

asking those questions even though I

believe I [ __ ] cringed in the

beginning I'm like really if I get it

but you get used to it yeah and if they

run off good food yeah it's Stephen it's

been a game changer to just ask the

person that I'm dating or my current

partner to be like how do you like to be

loved how do you like to receive love

and how do you like to give it

um because just those simple questions

can change so much and then you can use

the same with sex what do you like and

what do you not like what have you

changed your mind about what do you like

to do now and again or maybe not so much

sometimes

um how much time do you need how does

your arousal actually work and I know

that some people might not know how to

answer these questions for themselves so

it's actually very good to start asking

yourself those questions before was

speaking about it with someone else

because I think we get into

relationships and make so many

assumptions based on all individual

experiences and our world view and we

expect the person we're with to reflect

the exact same thing back to us but we

don't we don't ask questions

I watched a lot of interviews of you

before you you arrived here today and I

think in pretty much all of them you

said I'm a normal guy I'm a regular guy

and I get that I get that I understand

what you're saying however well it's not

false modesty I don't want to I'm not

going to let people build builds me into

something I'm not you know and I think

as I get older I know the frailties more

and more and I'm not ashamed of them you

know I mean it's it's okay many mistakes

many many sort of it's okay otherwise

Things become all too

you know that how it's it's hard to

relate to you know but you you got

through SAS selection just I got through

all this [ __ ] just you know and people

turned turned to you and said things and

as they turn back and quit right that

that for me is a filtering process of

something yeah whatever that something

is resilient all it is is something we

can control it's not a filtering of

talent it's not filtering if you're

you're brilliant you're through you're

not through you know it's a genius of

selection for the Special Forces it's

all about heart and spirit and we can

all have that that's not a god-given

talent that's a that's a muscle that

builds with walking through the door of

failure time and time again and keep

getting back up you know so I like that

as why I say I'm an ordinary person as

well also say just to so many things

because you know yes I passed oh yes you

reached the top of this man or yes you

do but it's always just and that's okay

you know and it's also Often by standing

on the shoulders of many Giants who've

helped me you know many many times you

know if I think of ss selection you know

that time there were so many times where

somebody somebody just kind of believed

me in a critical time you know it might

be something where the two corporals

running something good we want that guy

do on you know a bit of luck falls on

his side somebody backs you you know or

you know you you I don't know just the

more I look back on so many so-called

achievements the more I see

the hand of good people in critical

moments but as you know you have to win

the hearts of those people in the first

place but also the role of just that

dogged determination to keep going and

that's not

a thing of being brilliant it's just

trying to keep going often sliding

another step back but keep moving

forward

and you say that to you know I've got

three boys now three teenagers and I

think if you said to them what one thing

does your dad say to you day off day

before you go to school

it's always just

you know don't give up don't never give

up be kind you know be determined but

never give up and they roll their eyes

but you know what one day they'll know

that it's a key thing a key thing of

life you know you don't have to be the

best to do your best

did that resilience muscle as you call

it grow over time of course it's just

like like everything it's like the

little little Seas to the mighty Oaks

you know how do we build it just inch by

inch and uh and that's a great thing

because it's not something only some

people can have you know it's Universal

for us all we can all become people

think it's a god-given gift to someone

be resilient resilience is that muscle

and you build it by failing and trying

to stay positive and and trying to get

back your feet and going again you know

I look back and I remember being uh

really excited about being picked for

the fourth eleven football team as a

linesman I wasn't even in the team you

know and it was like my job was to bring

on the oranges at half time you know but

it was that and I remember my dad was

the only dad on the side of the pitch

cheering me on I thought it's so

embarrassing he's not I'm not even in

the team and dad said you know he's come

to kind of

but actually those little steps of like

I'm going to do this I'm going to bring

on those oranges and you know you're

never gonna forget it's gonna be great

and ink into tiny little things

but having to fight for things you know

it's how often do we see at school

though the the school hero

actually in life

doesn't always do that brilliantly and

why is that it's because they've got you

know schools rewarded that

they've never tested this

you know where little Johnny who doesn't

have that doesn't get the awards

is the linesman brings on the oranges

yeah whatever it is drugs doesn't even

get noticed and everyone's anything but

never gives up and keeps doing his best

and still doesn't really get noticed but

doesn't matter but when he leaves school

this might not be the biggest thing but

this is like ninja-like you know that

that resilience muscle inside is strong

and as you know and as I know in life

that's the one that is gonna carry you

further and and the Unseen people at

school often do better in life it's like

don't peek too early don't peek at 14. I

certainly didn't I sat here with um

Eubank I've been thinking about this

idea of resilience and what it really

means and as we sit here today my

current hypothesis is basically

resilience is the story it's kind of

this contract you have with yourself

this self-story about who you are and in

those moments when no one is looking I I

was talking to Eubank about me being on

the running machine and knowing I've got

two minutes to go because I said before

I started I'd run till 45 minutes but my

legs are hurting and they're cramping

and I could give up and walk away and No

One's Gonna know because no one's here

but what I I alter my own self story in

a way and I send a message to myself

that I am the type of person that gives

up when it's tough so is it really do

you relate to that and is this kind of

like you're crafting this story about

who you are to yourself with every small

decision you make doing the linesman job

you said I'm going to do it the best I

possibly can and although it's not what

I wanted I'm gonna I'm gonna give it

everything I can and not give up yeah

yeah does that relate and also I think

the thing of giving up is that you know

what is that thing a temporary pleasure

long term yeah that's not true you know

and and for me I just I I developed a

thing where

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whenever people quitting or complaining

I like those moments for me it was like

okay there's all the all the chat and

the bravado is always there at the

beginning I was full of that but bring

it down put the squeeze on you know we

like grapes and squeeze us you see

what's inside bring the squeeze bring

the squeeze now we see characters see

what people are like and for me it just

became whenever I saw people quitting or

complaining especially complaining you

see it so much just in the military you

see it on big Expeditions you see it

even when we're filming TV shows for

people you know when it gets hard you

know and you're hungry and you're scared

and you're up against it and you're

dehydrated you know those are the

moments and for me it just became a

trigger when everyone's complaining and

giving up it's a time to give more you

know just you don't have to give more in

the early times just wait till this and

that's how you separate yourselves in in

business and in life and in relationship

you know in the big moments you know

look at a relationship when it's when

you're under that wheel down everyone's

throwing it you know are you gonna

really throw that nasty comment or gonna

hold it and just try and be gracious and

kind in those big moments you know and

and I like that it wasn't

you know it wasn't complicated to think

about Under Pressure it was just like

when everything's going wrong that's

that I'd give more rather than give up

and I held on to that in many difficult

moments you know across many different

Arenas and um

and has helped me you know I remember

this guy said to me once said and you'd

do anything for another 10 seconds I

like that you know when it's you're in

that moment you keep going another 10

seconds

that makes you different though

you've got to admit because most people

don't want another 10 seconds yeah well

it hurt it hurts I'm not saying it's not

going to hurt it's going to hurt but

that fire inside it's in us all you know

it's just you've got to dig sometimes

but it's it's a great truth to know that

it's there when you dig you know it is

there and uh and I think as you say once

you get used to this and you start to

practice it the muscle gets stronger and

then you almost seek out tough types you

know this is a chance to to shine you

know and as you say that's how you

separate yourselves in life you know

you're going to reach these points but

but in those big are you going to go

this way how are you going to act in

those big moments and it's always what

separates you know reaching those

Summits for not reaching those Summits

when you look back on the person you are

now and the tremendous wisdom that

you've just demonstrated just speaking

to me just then

do you recognize

the Mel that was couldn't get out of bed

was feeling depressed couldn't find you

know described herself as you as you did

as being lazy do you recognize that

person and what's at the very essence in

the engine room that drove that change

was it

passion

was it finding your calling

um because I know you weren't this part

you couldn't have been this person oh

dude it's also been 31 years I mean come

on I've had I've like basically been

changing for as long as you've been

alive for crying out loud so true and

also human beings are designed to grow

but not everybody seems to because you

have they don't understand being stuck

yeah interesting see

being stuck is one of the most universal

feelings of The Human Experience and

nobody understands what it is

what is it oh it's amazing when you hear

this it's like

so remember how we've talked about how

uh the human beings have this crazy

amount of natural intelligence wired

into us and inside your body we've

talked about one of the signals anxiety

anxiety is a signal that means pay

attention

that's why you go into fight or flight

you're in an alert mode okay

that's all it is it's a signal an alarm

system and your body has a sophisticated

system of signals and alarms

and they're all tied to fundamental

needs

anxiety is tied to your fundamental need

for safety that's why it's a signal

let's talk about your most important

fundamental needs let's go right back to

psychology 101 Maslow's hierarchy of

needs

uh you need food or else you die

so when you need food what is the signal

that your body sends you when you need

water what is the signal cost when you

need

um a

air yeah you're catching your breath

when you need rest what do you feel

when you need connection what do you

feel lonely

human beings are designed to grow

when you stop growing what do you feel

stuck yeah I was gonna say stagnant but

I guess stuck is yeah or stagnant we're

still

trapped I guess is yeah

feeling stuck is a signal that you've

stopped growing

that's it

and when most people feel stuck since

they don't understand that it's tied to

a fundamental need for growth

we believe it's an existential crisis

and we blow up our lives

for most human beings what actually will

get you feeling like you're not stuck

is having something in the future that

you're looking forward to

or taking a class where you're learning

something or changing a routine so that

you try a new class at the gym learning

anything gets you back in touch with a

fundamental need it makes you start to

feel like things are moving and from

that place of feeling a little bit more

empowered

you'll be able to make better decisions

about what big things need to change in

your life

and is that you would also describe that

as a moment where your life has like an

absence of purpose

I think about I think about

various examples Olympians that come

back from the Olympics and they they're

like 80 chance of depression after

they've you know and then I think about

people who have lost purpose in their

lives for whatever reason been fired

from their jobs or whatever all people

that are in jobs that are uh you know

absent of purpose completely a feeling

of being stuck and and then you

certainly talk to us about the

importance of goals and Ambitions going

forward when humans don't have that

forward ambition or that thing to look

forward to in the future and their

current situation lacks purpose

they become very um psychologically

disorientated either way I'd describe it

um I act I have a different take on

purpose

um I think everybody's purpose is

exactly the same

I think your purpose

is to share your true self

to be fully seen

and for the Olympian when you are

training and you're in that Arena

that is an experience of being seen

and for most people that are lacking

purpose they feel profoundly invisible

and being seen

fundamentally comes back to whether or

not you even see yourself

and when you start to feel empowered and

you start to see yourself and meet you

where you are

what happens is every day that you're

able to stand with yourself to accept

where you are to give yourself the

compassion to give yourself the support

and the love and the respect and the

worthiness that you deserve you're going

to go out into the world and share more

of yourself that Olympic Athlete is

sharing more of themselves

and so I think our purpose in life is to

come back home to ourselves to reconnect

with ourselves and to empower ourselves

to go back out into the world and share

our stories and share our experiences

and share our full selves with the rest

of the world and look if I can save

anybody the heartache and the headaches

that cause myself

that's a life well lived

you know if I can laugh at myself along

the way if I can punch a wall and drink

a gin martini and then share with you

like okay this and then get out because

how I got out of that

because I could have been in that cycle

The Old Mill would have been there for a

month

everybody's out to get me I never get

recognized why even bother it doesn't

matter

and

it allows me to share in real time

that I feel all the [ __ ]

but I don't like to stay there and this

is not toxic positivity

it is important when you're disappointed

to allow yourself to feel disappointed

it is important when you lose something

to give yourself the grace to grieve for

as long as you need to it is important

to have a good cry to have a good scream

to draw it's important to feel the highs

and the lows you're meant to feel it all

but you can shorten

the length of time you stay down

and what always helps me is I just kept

saying what I what I've said

a couple times during this I I say to

myself

I refuse to believe

that if I'm a good person

and that if I'm working hard

I refuse to believe that this doesn't

work out

I refuse to believe that I'm not going

to be okay like I know

that This Moment's going to pass and I

know that I will look back on this

moment five years from now and I'll see

exactly what I was meant to learn and

redirecting your focus to what actually

matters

and the fact that you believe in your

heart that you got the mindset you got

the work ethic you got the ability to

figure this [ __ ] out and to keep going

and that eventually if you do what's

meant for you is going to find you you

will be rewarded for all this in the way

that you're meant to be rewarded

that's amazing it's an amazing feeling

because you can pick yourself up no

matter what happens I spent so long

being dysregulated

having a nervous system that was

constantly on edge like what it felt

like to be me

any moment in my life whether it was

sitting in a classroom or I was sitting

at that law firm bait stamping or I'm

sitting as a young mom with postpartum

depression or I'm sitting in yet another

job I don't like

is it felt like being in a car

at a stoplight that had a green signal

and the emergency brake was on and the

gas was floored and I was going nowhere

like just the engine revved and the

sense that I needed to go but not being

able to go

and

when I finally started to get control of

my own thinking

when I finally started to understand

anxiety and how to quiet it in my mind

and then how to quiet at my body when I

finally got serious about understanding

trauma

and healing it in my nervous system

first

through EMDR through therapy through

guided MDMA sessions

I finally had the experience

of being in my body

and being safe and being okay

and I hadn't had that in a really long

time and um

I'm so

aware of when I'm not in my body now I'm

so aware of when my nervous system

starts to go on edge

that my tolerance for staying there is

zero

because I live for far too long feeling

on edge anxious dysregulated

self-loathing that when I dip into that

space and everybody you dip into that

space once a day if not like I used to

live there and so when I start to dip

into that dysregulated anxious on edge

intense space

it's like get this out of my body we got

to get back into my new default which is

grounded centered in control of what I'm

thinking what I'm gonna do next

and it's a fluid situation

but you just gave me the insight as to

why it's so quick for me now

because I've made a commitment to myself

that after spending 30 years that way

40 almost that I don't want to live

another year that way another week that

way another full day that way now do I

have things that happen in my life that

are

tough that that put me into a mode where

I'm anxious and on edge and of course do

I disassociate when I get really awful

of course but I now have the tools

to bring myself back into my body

to give myself the encouragement the

Assurance the support that I need

so that I can face whatever is happening

and know that I'm not only going to be

okay

I'm actually going to be awesome

eventually

quick one as you might know crafted are

one of the sponsors of this podcast and

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the really wonderful thing about crafted

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people will be surprised when they hear

that they'll probably assume that all of

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what's the point when you can achieve

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jewelry that's high quality and costs 50

Quid that's why I buy crafted quick one

for many years people have been asking

for a coffee flavored Hill and quite

recently he'll release the iced coffee

caramel flavor of their um ready to

drink heels and I've just become hooked

on it over the last couple of weeks I've

been on a really interesting Journey

with huel which I've described and

talked about a little bit on this

podcast I started with the berry ready

to drinks then I moved over to the

protein salted caramel because it's 100

calories and it gives you all of your

essential vitamins and minerals but also

gives you the 20 odd grams of protein

you need and now I'm balanced between

them both I drink mostly the banana

flavor ready to drink I've got really

into the iced coffee caramel flavor of

fuels ready to drink and now I'm

drinking that as well as the protein

make sure you try the new ready to drink

flavors that the caramel flavor is

amazing the new banana flavor as well is

amazing and obviously as I said the iced

coffee caramel flavor has been a real

Smash Hit so check it out let me know

what you think on social media I see all

of your tags and Instagram posts and

tweets about you

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oh

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my God

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