Oh my god, I hate brushing my teeth at

night. Until you do it for a while, then

it becomes a habit, then it's not a

problem. But make no mistake that

disciplining happens as an action in the

mind. It's not something that you get.

We can decay our discipline so quickly

by not disciplining ourselves. You can

work out for 6 months, you're doing

great, you fall off the wagon once, and

then you stop disciplining yourself,

right? So like we we wonder like why do

I wake up every day and I don't do my

work? It's because you don't treat

yourself with respect. You spoil

yourself. I hate who I'm becoming. How

do I rebuild self-discipline and

self-respect? I'm 23 years old. I've

never had a girlfriend. I still live

with my parents. I'm currently studying

at university. I normally work out six

days a week. Play trumpet in a band.

Have a small group of friends that I

really care about. So, so far normal.

And yet, I don't feel like I'm living

like a a real adult right now. I have a

huge exam coming up in spring and a

paper that makes a big part of my final

grade. I should be studying. Instead,

I'm on my phone. Average of eight hours

a day, YouTube, porn. On a good day, I

get maybe an hour of actual work done.

There's no structure to my days. No real

work times. I just sit at my desk and

let the day pass. When I try putting my

phone away, I still end up wandering

around the house, playing darts, making

coffee for myself. And every so often,

it hits me. People my age are working in

relationships, living normal lives.

Meanwhile, I feel stuck in the mindset

of an 18-year-old on summer break. It

leaves me feeling useless, inferior, and

honestly a bit depressed. I hate that I

can't seem to break the cycle. I want to

change, not only for myself, but also

because there's this girl I really like.

There it is, chat. And I don't want to

waste this opportunity. Oh my god. But I

know I'm not in a place for a

relationship right now. How can I expect

someone to love me when I don't even

love myself? Man, there are two things

that I want to say that are the first

thing that I want to say. So, I don't

know which one to do. So, let's start

with the second one and then we'll do

the first one. First thing to understand

is we have this idea of discipline and

self-respect. And if we look at

discipline, it's a noun. And

self-respect is also a noun. I have

selfrespect. I have discipline. I am

disciplined. And what I've noticed is

that a lot of people who want

discipline, want to have the thing,

there's one thing that we don't

understand. Discipline is not a noun.

Self-respect is not a noun. These are

both verbs. They're verbs. They're

activities. And I want you all to think

about this for a second. at someone

who's developing discipline. What

they're actually doing is an action.

There is a process of disciplining which

we understand when it comes to things

like animals, right? I am disciplining

my child. I discipline you. I discipline

child. I discipline dog. It is a verb.

You have impulse number one and impulse

number two. Impulse that you should do.

Thing you should do, thing that you want

to do. What is the verb of discipline?

Discipline is the action of moving from

what you want to do to what you should

do. It is like literally a movement.

Discipline is a cognitive movement from

one place to another place. It is

disciplining. And when we say someone

has the trait of discipline, right?

Because we talk about discipline like a

trait, like a personality trait, like

it's something that you have. And this

is the really scary thing. And this is

why no one gets a discipline because

everyone thinks it's something that you

get. So like, how do I get discipline?

How do I have the discipline? And then

I'm like, oh yeah, I'm so now that I'm

disciplined, I can just be a lazy

[ __ ] And since I have discipline,

since I have the tiara of discipline

plus 10, I can be a lazy [ __ ] and then

I can just do like the discipline will

take over and then I'll be disciplined

and then I don't have to do anything. If

I'm disciplined, then I can be lazy

because the discipline will take over

and do everything automatically for me.

But disciplining is the action that we

take when we move from impulse to what

we should be doing. This is how we

develop discipline. But don't for moment

think that you will have ever developed

discipline. That's the big scam. We

think we will have it. We think it's

binary. We think once we cross the

finish line, it's done. It's like a

number in your bank account. That's not

what discipline is. Like I've said, one

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else entirely without realizing that

underneath it all, it might actually be

OCD. And because it's so misunderstood,

it gets missed. Another study showed

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get misdiagnosed at first, which means

they don't get the right kind of support

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So, I I want you all to remember that

the mind is not an object that has

things. It is an activity. A thought is

a fluctuation within the mind. An

emotion is a fluctuation within the

mind. The whole problem with motivation

is that it fluctuates. The mind is a

state, not an object. There's the

billiard table and then the billiard

table can be in a particular

configuration. Mind is a configuration

not an object. It's an arrangement.

Certain thoughts, certain emotions.

Disciplining is what we need to do. It

is not what we need to get. And how do

you do discipline? Well, that we sort of

know, right? When you are sitting there

and your mind is telling you, "Oh my

god, I have a paper that makes up a big

part of my grade. I need to be doing

it." And then the mind has an impulse.

What is the verb? What is it that you do

in response to the impulse? You give

into it. You get up and you walk around.

It is the way that you respond to your

thoughts that is the disciplining or the

not disciplining. So on a given day, are

you going to do the discipline or not?

What does doing the discipline mean?

That means sitting there and noticing

that my mind wants to do this and my

mind wants to do this. Then I'm going to

do the discipline. I'm disciplining. I'm

going to take that thought and I'm going

to say no and I'm going to do this. Now,

you will say, "But Dr. K, that is hard."

Yes, it is. Just like any other verb,

playing the violin is hard until you

learn how to do it. The first time you

play a violin, not going to be easy. And

here's the problem. When we scroll for 8

hours a day, what what are we actually

doing? We are decaying our disciplining

capability. We are becoming rusty. So,

this is something that's really scary

about the development of discipline, how

easy it is to lose. So no, most of the

time when we talk about skills

acquisition, skills acquisition persists

for a long period of time, right? So if

I learn how to play the violin, even 10

years later, if I really learn it, it'll

stick around for a while. Here's the

scary thing. I want you all to think

about the time scale that disciplining

happens. So within one day, if I'm not

disciplining myself, how many rounds of

discipline am I giving up? Like a

thousand, 2,000. I want to do this. I

give into this. I have this thought. I

ignore it. I'm going to keep watching

one more episode. I feel like eating

Cheetos. I feel like eating popcorn. Let

me order pizza. We can decay our

discipline so quickly by not

disciplining ourselves. You can work out

for 6 months, you're doing great, you

fall off the wagon once, and then you

stop disciplining yourself. And why does

that happen? Why is it? Have you guys

noticed everyone's like, "Oh my god, I

have trouble getting started." What we

don't talk about enough is how many

human beings on the planet are good at

doing something not just for a couple

weeks but for a couple of months and

then they lose it. I was working out for

6 months. It wasn't just like a weekend.

I was being pretty consistent. I was

going to therapy for a couple months

there. I really was practicing and

learning the violin. Then what happened?

That's the right question. What

happened? What was the verb? What

happened is that for those six months

you were disciplining yourself. the way

the verb the cognitive action that you

took in response to an impulse changed

and then you stopped taking those

cognitive actions and once you stop

taking those cognitive actions once you

stop disciplining yourself it's like oh

my god I was gardening for 6 months and

my garden was beautiful and then I

stopped gardening and then what happened

the garden is now overrun with weeds why

don't we say it like this why don't we

explain it like this because this sounds

effing exhausting. But what y'all need

to understand about life, there's this

idea, you know, I sometimes hate these

ideas like fire. Like I'm not against

the concept, but there's something about

So fire is financial independence and

retire early. So most human beings on

the planet want to be done. I want to be

finished. I want to retire. I want

everything to be done, and then I want

freedom ahead of me. As long as you are

locked into this idea of being done, it

will be very hard to progress. Now,

there's a lot of people who love this

idea and it gives them the motivation

and discipline to move towards a

financial goal. And I think like it's

cool. Like, by all means, go for it. But

I want you all to be careful about this

idea of I want to be done with the

garden. I want you to understand that

you as a biological organism are in

homeostasis or in equilibrium that every

day you need to eat. Every second, every

few seconds you need to breathe. Every

day you need to take a piss. There's no

being done with food. There's no being

done with breathing. You are a living,

breathing biological organism that

requires investment to stay still. You

are fighting against the force of

entropy. This is what it means to be

alive. A rock does not fight against the

force of entropy the way that something

with a cell membrane and a cell wall and

mitochondria do. To be alive is to act

constantly. This is your lot in life.

You can stop acting when you're dead.

You can stop acting if you are

inanimate. Understand this is life. Now,

we can get upset about it. We can whail

about it. The good news is it's not

nearly as bad as we think because the

human organism is adaptable. Life is

adaptable. So, it feels bad at the

beginning. Oh my god, I hate brushing my

teeth at night until you do it for a

while, then it becomes a habit, then

it's not a problem. Disciplining is

something that you can get used to. But

make no mistake that disciplining

happens as an action in the mind. It's

not something that you get. This also

helps us with self-respect. Here's the

other thing. People think self-respect

is something that I have. Self-respect

is not something that you have. It is

something that you do. So if I take the

minds of two of my patients, one of whom

has self-respect, one of whom does not

have self-respect. What is the

difference between these two people? Can

I biopsy them? Can I X-ray them? What is

the nature of self-respect? Self-respect

is the way that you respond to yourself.

It is an action, right? I respect

others. Notice the word respect. I

respect the environment. I respect our

planet. I respect this space. It is a

verb. Here is what self-respect is. It

is the way that you respond to yourself.

When you work really hard and your boss

passes you over for promotion and says,

"Yeah, I'm going to give it to this

person instead." And you don't respect

yourself, you will accept that. Your

mind will say, "Okay, looks like you

didn't deserve it. Fine." The way that

you respond to yourself, the way that

you stand up for yourself, I want you

all to understand. Standing up for

yourself starts in here. Sure, you stand

up for yourself when you speak certain

words, but be precise. Okay, this is

really important. Those words start with

a thought. And this is the sequence.

There is thought, there is response to

thought, and then there is action.

Self-respect is not about the initial

thought. It is about the way that you

respond to your thought. Your first

thought when somebody else gets the

promotion is, "Oh my god, this guy is

doesn't work as hard as I do." And then

this is where the self-respect comes in.

Cuz the self-respect will say, "Yeah,

you're right. You should say something."

And if you don't have self-respect, you

will take that initial thought and then

you will bury it. Not bury it, that's

not right. You will work it down. I

don't know how else to put this cuz this

is some weird cognitive stuff, right?

You will have some thought of I deserve

more and then this other thought will

come up. It is an action. The way that

you respond to your thought. No, you

don't. If you deserved more, you would

get more, [ __ ] You need to work

harder. If you want more, you need to

work harder. Stop being a loser. Stop

being a whiny [ __ ] about it. Have some

self-respect. It's not self-respect. The

opposite. Self- abuse. Have some

self-respect. Wrong. The way that you

are talking to yourself is not

self-respect. It is not respecting you.

So, this is the the thing that is like

everyone's like, "Okay, I have

self-respect or I don't have." No, it's

the way that you respond to yourself. If

you want to be someone who has

self-respect, change the way that you

respect yourself. What do do you treat

yourself in a respectful way? Chances

are you don't. Respect doesn't mean

allowing of indulgence. See, we indulge

those people that we want to win over,

not the people that we respect. We treat

ourselves like we're pathetic. We treat

ourselves, we indulge ourselves, we

spoil ourselves. That's actually the

right word. I was fumbling around for

it. That's really what it is, right?

Right. So, like we we wonder like why do

I wake up every day and I don't do my

work? It's because you don't treat

yourself with respect. You [ __ ] spoil

yourself. Oh, you want to do this? Oh,

does widow baby want another cupcake?

Have another cupcake. Have two. I love

you so much. So, I'm going to give you

whatever you want. You're you're daddy's

widow baby. And if your daddy's witter

baby, you you want to play dots. You

don't want to do your work, don't do

your work. Play dots and then spend

time. Oh, now baby's feeling bad. How

about you watch a little bit of porn and

have a little bit of a tug? Go give your

go tug it out, buddy. Play dots and then

jerk off and then have some coffee and

then take a walk. Then watch a YouTube

video about how to develop selfrespect.

Is that what you need? Do you need

another YouTube video about

self-respect? Yeah, you do that, baby.

Oh my god, you're hurting so much. Oh my

god, life is so hard. That's not

respect. It's indulgence. Nothing's

wrong with that if you're okay with

where it leads you. Like, if you're

happy with where it leads you, fine. And

I'm not saying don't ever spoil

yourself, right? Remember self,

respecting and disciplining are verbs.

Spoiling is also a verb. I'm not saying

don't ever spoil. I'm saying be careful

about the quantity of action that you

take. And if you change the way that you

relate to yourself, if you change the

way that you act towards yourself, you

will end up with what other people call

discipline or self-respect. Last thing,

this is the second thing. Remember I

said I want to start with two things.

Here's the second thing. 50% of people

under the age of 30 are living with

their parents. Being an adult is

happening later. Being an adult looks

different. What real adulting is today

is trying to figure out how to do and be

what an adult was 50 years ago. That's

honestly the problem of the modern day.

What used to happen is you used to be

born into this world and then it was

like a [ __ ] water slide. Like you

just start at the top, get popped out of

the uterus, slide your way into

adulthood. Doesn't work anymore. Slide's

busted. Get stuck somewhere. No more

water. Slide is busted. Real adulting is

figuring out how to be what you think an

adult should be. That's what adulting is

now. And I know that sounds weird, but

like think about it for a second, right?

So what's the difference between a child

and adult? A child doesn't try to be

anything. you are adulting when you're

trying to figure out how to be an adult.

But being an adult is different now.

Being an adult is now trying. It's

trying to achieve something that has

become way harder to achieve. And the

problem is that we look around and we

see all of these other people who seem

to be getting their stuff together,

which is fine, but you're not them. So

instead of trying to be them, focus on

being you. You're 23. You're behind. I

finished school at 32, right? I'm doing

okay now. Your mileage may vary. Some

people will be like, "I still haven't

finished school. I'm 40." Okay. Well,

that's your life, right? It's still,

this is where once again, we get back to

this idea of like the what is the way

you're going to treat yourself. And it's

okay. Everyone's behind now. Being

behind is normal, which is like the new

normal. Like me being it's that's what's

so terrifying about like I see all

struggling. Like I'm lucky. I was I was

born when the water slide still worked.

So I make it down to the bottom and I

look up. I'm like, "Oh [ __ ] water

slide's broken." I was of the generation

thankfully and I'm like I'm right on the

cusp cuz some millennials got screwed. I

got lucky. I was like the last like the

millennials are right on the cusp of the

generation that like sort of got screwed

but things were like functional enough.

And now I look up and it's hard for

everybody and that's okay. I mean it's

not okay but like you're not different

and don't worry about I mean you should

worry about it but like trying to figure

out how to be an adult is really what

adulting is today. So I know it's hard.

I see how hard it is. I'm trying to

help. Thankfully, other people are

trying to help. The good news is that

everybody has this problem. So, this is

the problem of the day.