So, I don't know if you guys have seen

these memes where, you know, there's uh

some kind of comic where a woman is

getting complimented slashharassed on

her appearance and then someone does a

gender swap and then dudes are like,

"Yeah, this would be great. I'd be

totally fine with this." So, today we're

going to talk a little bit about

compliments. We're going to dig into the

science of what kind of attention men

receive, what kind of attention women

receive. And the really interesting

thing about this is as we look at

compliments, we will uncover some very

crucial mechanisms that are driving the

loneliness epidemic and may explain why

the loneliness epidemic is statistically

what appears to be worse for men than

women. And it turns out that there are

some aspects of biology, specifically

the effect of estrogen and testosterone

on oxytocin. So oxytocin is a bonding

hormone facilitates the connection

between human beings. And it turns out

that estrogen facilitates oxytocin's

action. So facilitates the formation of

bonds, whereas testosterone inhibits it,

especially under periods of stress. And

so this is kind of a weird video because

we're going to start with compliments

and we're going to sort of move on to

loneliness. So let's get started with

compliments. First thing to understand,

women receive about 75% of all

compliments. men receive about 25%. The

earliest research on this started in the

80s and then studies through about 2008,

which is the last study that I looked

at. It basically maintained this ratio.

So, first reason why compliments are

core memories for dudes, they don't

receive them much. So, here's what's

really interesting. It's not just the

quantity of compliments, it is also the

type of compliment. So, 75% of

compliments that women receive are on

their appearance. Um, interestingly

enough, the majority of compliments that

women receive on their appearance are

from other women. And the majority of

compliments that men receive are on

their performance. But complimenting

people in today's world is a little bit

tricky because if I compliment a woman

on her appearance, will this be

perceived as unwanted attention or

sexual harassment? Because I certainly

don't want to do that. But on the flip

side, how do I express appreciation for

someone even if I'm not interested in in

them in a romantic way? Or how do I

express appreciation for them if they if

I am interested in them in a romantic

way? And then we get to dudes

complimenting other dudes. So this is a

great example of this from a research

paper where one guy's like, "Hey, I like

your shirt." And the other dude's like,

"Nice. I like your face." So we're going

to talk a little bit about how to

compliment people and also how to

receive compliments. So let's get into

the type of compliments and figure out

which ones are appropriate and not

appropriate. First thing is we can

compliment someone's appearance. So 75%

of the compliments that women receive

are on their appearance. The majority of

appearance-based compliments received by

women are given by women. Right? So

women compliment their appear other

women's appearance all the time. Second

thing is the majority of compliments

that men receive are based on their

performance. Okay? So about 70% of

compliments that uh men receive are on

their performance. Once you enter a work

setting, 68% of compliments that women

receive are on their performance. Right?

So it used to be about 75% were on their

appearance. In the work setting, they

get complimented on their performance a

lot more. That's a good shift. 98% of

compliments that men receive in the

workplace are based on their

performance. So rule number one, if you

are working with someone, you want to

complement their per performance, not

their appearance, unless it's a female

to female relationship where arguably

you can still get away with that, but

generally speaking, don't compliment

people's appearance in the workplace.

Second thing, if you are going to

compliment someone's appearance, a good

way to do it is to take an article of

their clothing or their hairstyle, one

attribute of their appearance, and tie

it to them specifically. For example,

Dr. K, you're rocking that hoodie. So,

we're not saying they're pretty. We're

not objectifying a part of them. We are

actually usually referring to an object

that they have and tying it to them,

making it special about them. The way

that you are pulling off that outfit is

awesome. You're really knocking that

outfit out of the park. You're really

rocking that hairstyle. You're really

like that that beer gut is absolutely

enviable, bro. Okay, so if we want to

compliment appearance, don't just call

someone hot unless you're trying to

indicate romantic interest. You can

still appreciate someone's appearance

without making it threatening or sexual.

Third thing is men especially like this.

You can comment on someone's

possessions. Super safe way to give a

compliment. That's an awesome truck. I

love that grill. That's an epic mouse

pad. I really like that pen. You can

compliment someone's stuff and it tends

to be pretty safe. Next thing that we

got to talk about cuz we got to do

social rehab for the internet is how to

receive compliments. Generally speaking,

the best thing to do is to appreciate

someone giving you a compliment. This is

kind of like parrying a compliment where

it's like someone sends a compliment

your way and then you knock it back by

sending one of your own. And I love this

in in video games because there's this

parry mechanic, right, which is one

attack is countered by another attack.

But we don't want to parry compliments.

What we want to do is appreciate them.

So a lot of times what happens is we

feel really embarrassed when someone

notices something nice about us. And

then what we do is we have to reverse

uno them. I really like your hair. Oh,

well, I really like your hair. I feel

really uncomfortable receiving that

compliment. So, I sort of reject it and

turn the tables on to you. Instead, what

you can do is appreciate their

compliment. This is the right way to

receive their positive energy and give

positive energy back. Oh, I really love

the way that you, you know, you're

rocking that sweater. And then you can

appreciate that by saying, "Yeah, I

actually like looked at three or four of

them. I wasn't sure which one to get.

Thank you so much for noticing. Right?

You can say something like that. You can

appreciate. Thank you for noticing. I

appreciate you noticing. Thank you.

Thanks. Thanks a lot. Thanks, bro. Okay?

So, you can just appreciate it. That's

really good. Next thing is that if you

do feel embarrassed, that's actually

totally fine. So, here's the cool thing.

If someone compliments you and you feel

embarrassed, that is their way of

knowing that the compliment worked,

right? You're not confused. You're not

upset. They tickled you. They tickled

your emotions in a really nice way. So,

you feel better about that. Now, this

becomes really important because, you

know, there are tweets like this one

where people will say, "Yeah, 50% of the

loneliness epidemic is because dudes are

completely uninvested in social

interaction." And many of us as men are

not taught how to compliment people. But

the broader question still remains that

why is it that men receive so few

compliments? Why is it that when we

receive a compliment, it feels like a

core memory? And why is it that it is so

hard for people to connect? But it turns

out that biology has a huge part to play

here. Relationships have never been

easy. Anytime you interact with someone,

you're dealing with their unique soup of

emotions, expectations, and even

traumatic baggage. And the fact that

we're all texting now and dating apps

are a thing is not making things easier.

That's why we developed a coaching

program to help our community with

modern relationship problems. Working

with a coach can help you build skills

like setting boundaries, communicating

effectively, and navigating conflict.

So, if y'all are struggling with your

relationships, check out the link in the

description below.

So, from a big picture standpoint, I

want you all to think about this. When

we see a systemic effect, right? So if

all men, not all men, but if a lot of

men, if a majority of men or a

significant minority of men struggle in

forming relationships, chances are there

is a systemic reason. It is not

individual responsibility. There is

something going on with the way that men

are conditioned, our biology that

results in this thing. And unless we

understand those systemic factors, we

can't place the responsibility on an

individual dude to solve a systemsbased

problem. What I think a lot of people

don't realize is how hard it is for men

to form bonds. How we're biologically

impaired literally at forming bonds,

especially we're when we're under

stress. So this is a really fascinating

study. In their analysis of gender

differences in coping, Lucknow at Al

found that the largest difference arose

on seeking and using social support and

combined significance of their effect

was significant beyond the p value of

this is an astronomical p value. Y'all,

of the 26 studies that tested gender

differences, one study showed no

difference and 25 favored women. This is

really important to understand. When

women are under periods of stress, they

cope with that stress by forming bonds.

But the question is why right? So what

is different about women as compared to

men? And this is what's really

fascinating. So estrogen actually

induces oxytocin transcription. So what

does this mean? This means that when we

have estrogen floating around, it

actually causes us to create oxytocin

and has a synergistic effect with

oxytocin. And oxytocin is our bonding

hormone. So what we see is that the

female sex hormone is directly

responsible for the formation of bonds

and for the drive to form bonds. Whereas

if we look at testosterone, the higher

our testosterone levels are, this has an

inhibiting effect on oxytocin. When men

are under periods of stress, we actually

don't respond by forming bonds with

other people. We actually see a

hyperarousal. So we tend to be problem

solvers. We tend to focus on solutions.

We also bear that burden by ourselves.

It's not just the effect of estrogen and

testosterone and oxytocin. The brains of

men and women when we're faced with

stress also behave differently. So the

hypothesis that stress responses in men

may be primarily characterized as fight

or flight is supported by the

observation that RPFC right prefrontal

cortex activation and left orbital

frontal cortex activation with stress is

predominantly observed in the male

brain. What this research basically

shows us is that when we are under

periods of stress men and women respond

differently based on the hormones in our

body. Okay. So when women are under high

levels of stress, they tend to tend and

befriend. Estrogen mediates an increase

in oxytocin production and also acts

synergistically with oxytocin, allowing

us to form bonds with other people.

Hence that paper that we looked at

earlier where 25 out of the 26 studies

that we looked at, women tend to cope by

forming social bonds. Now the problem is

that testosterone has the absolute

opposite effect. When men are under

periods of stress, they engage in a

fight orflight response where

testosterone increases, cortisol

increases, and this actually blunts the

effect of oxytocin, which results in men

isolating. And this is a biological

effect. Now, this is where I think a lot

of people will jump to saying like,

okay, like men just need to change,

right? This is where like the subjective

experience of men doesn't matter. men

need to compliment each other more,

which I totally agree with, by the way,

which is why we taught y'all how to

compliment. Okay? But I I I want to

point this out because I think in if you

guys want to fix your gender dynamics,

both with your own gender and the

opposite gender, with the gender that

you're attracted to, I don't care. If

you want to improve your relationships

with the people around you, you must

understand their experience of the

world. The biggest mistake that I see

right now is we are judging other

people. Men are judging women. Women are

judging men based on our experience. So

when we see a woman receiving lots of

compliments, we think to ourselves, I am

starved for compliments. This is

amazing. I don't understand why this

person is complaining. And when men say

this kind of stuff like, I would love

this. I don't think they understand the

experience of a woman in today's world.

Okay, so let's look at some scary

statistics. The first two items, cat

calls, whistles, and stairs, and

unwanted sexual attention were reported

to be experienced once a month by 32 and

40% of the sample. Strikingly, 31%

reported experiencing cat calls,

whistles, or stares from strangers every

few days or more. Over one-third of

participants reported hearing offensive

sexual jokes, or sexist remarks from

strangers once a month. In addition, 36

reported being the victim of unwanted

touching or stroking once a month. So, I

think this is where like what a lot of

dudes I think miss about women's

experiences are the frequency. So, if

you think that the amount of uh

attention that women receive is okay,

we'll get to why you think like other

reasons because you're so starved, but

if you think it's okay, I think the

thing that people are usually missing

here is the frequency. So, I want you,

if you're a dude, I want you to imagine

someone that you're not attracted to.

And what would the effect on your

psychology be if from every few days to

once a month this person stroked you,

made sexual advances, stared at you,

touched you in ways that you don't want,

and you're like, "Okay, I can handle it

once." But imagine if this happened

every few days to one month. What effect

would that have on your psychology? On

the flip side, if you're a woman who

thinks that men can just form bonds, I

want y'all to really appreciate how

difficult this is for us biologically.

It is easy for you to form bonds. It is

natural for you to form bonds because

based on the estrogen levels in your

body and the oxytocin levels in your

body, what feels natural to you, what

feels intuitive to you is to bond with

somebody else. Whereas we are actually

wired in the opposite way. What feels

natural to us is to isolate. And this is

where like I'm going to avoid a pitfall

because this is the point where a lot of

people may be drawing what I would call

a false equivalency because here I am

talking about female sexual harassment

and here I am talking about male

loneliness and I'm not saying that these

two are equivalent in any way, shape or

form. My point is that we take for

granted based on our own biology. Right?

So like my favorite example of this is

parents who have never experienced

depression who tell their children to

just get out of bed. But if y'all have

never experienced depression, you have

been moving through air your whole life,

which I know sounds weird. So when I get

up and I walk around, I literally move

through air. There is no resistance for

me to get up and walk to the door. When

I have patients who have depression,

walking to the door feels like moving

through mud. feels like walking through

molasses.

There is a fundamental subjective

experience that makes it so hard to just

get out of bed and walk to the door. It

literally feels like a profound amount

of resistance. And unless you understand

that this is the experience of men when

it comes to loneliness, their natural

inclination, their biology is telling

them to isolate. Their biology is

telling them to handle things on their

own. Their biology is literally telling

them to fight or to run away. Don't tend

and befriend. And until we understand

that, we will never understand why

compliments are core memories for dudes.