people don't know about

this I had to keep it a

[Music]

secret uh it's really really

difficult

Ronda Ronda you have voted the best

female athlete of all time what was it

that made you the person that sits in

front of me today so when I was a kid it

was tough my dad he ended up taking his

life when I was eight and in school I

got picked on a lot I actually dropped

out when I was 16 and moved away from

home to train full-time but a lot of the

coaches thought that being abusive to

the athletes is what gave them the best

results my first coach just located my

job people don't know about this but I

get concussions all the time and every

time you get a concussion it's easier to

get another one so by the time I got

into MMA I had to be able to finish the

person off immediately it was those

experiences that made me the world

champion and you stacked up a bunch of

records including the fastest ever

win fastest submission fastest title

defense but then that loss to hly just

like

that yeah my whole world turned upside

down I had to disappear for a while and

um you decided to move on to the WWE you

don't have nice things to say about it

Vin man just created a fundamentally

sick environment and I think he still is

running the company to this day

why before this episode starts I have a

small favor to ask from you two months

ago 74% of people that watched this

channel didn't subscribe we're now down

to

69% my goal is 50% so if you've ever

liked any of the videos we've posted if

you like this channel can you do me a

quick favor and hit the Subscribe button

it helps this channel more than you know

and the bigger the channel gets as

you've seen the bigger the guests get

thank you and enjoy this

[Music]

episode wonda when I interview people I

often ask them to tell me the most sort

of pertinent first event in their story

that went on to shape who they are and

with you from reading through your story

it's quite clear that the first

potentially significant event happened

as you were being

born yeah I uh I was born with the UL

cord around my neck and uh I was like a

zero on the epar scale which is like the

health of a baby when they're born I was

blue like thought I was dead um had to

it took a while to revive me and um I

had uh some damage from that um some

neurological damage which expressed

itself as a motor speech disorder called

proxia which is basically I would have

words formed in my head and try to say

say it but there was kind of Disconnect

between my brain and my mouth and it

would come out differently than how I

said it so um ended up having to do many

years of speech therapy to be able to

get over it and sometimes I uh I

struggle a little bit but uh um I've

I've you know dealt with it well enough

where people don't notice but uh you

know doing things like pro wrestling

promos and stuff where everybody like

will uh scrutinize you for like saying a

single syllable or you know not

producing every single not pronouncing

every single word per perfectly like if

I just stuttered like I did just now or

mispronounced something like I did just

now in a wrestling promo I would be like

hung over it and so um you know there's

little things like that that still

Express themselves to this day but

mostly it's not noticeable now the

umbilical cord was wrapped around your

neck the doctors gave you a zero out of

10 in terms of your health when you were

a baby what age did you learn to speak

properly um I didn't really speak like

in full intelligible sentences until I

was like around 5 or so when they did

brain scans did they notice anything

different in your brain at that point

because of your because of the umbilical

cord incident no no one ever like did a

brain scan or anything like that I got

tested for deafness for a long time

autism um aoia didn't exist as a

diagnosis until after I'd kind of really

gotten over it um it was actually like a

a like a fan a mom and her daughter that

uh brought me like a pamphlet and was

like we've heard your story it's been so

inspirational to us we think what you

had is this thing called a proxia and um

and I was like oh my God this actually

fits everything that we experiened

perfectly and uh we ended up having a

walk for a proxy here I got to like meet

a bunch of different kids and stuff that

were dealing with similar things but

yeah it's kind of like newer on uh on in

the field people being aware of it but I

think that's what made me um delve into

sport so much because um you know with

Judo especially you like communicate

physically with a person you have to put

your hands on another person you have to

talk and interact with that person and

so when I was having a hard time uh when

we moved back to LA like really

socializing with other kids sports you

know specifically Judo made it like kind

of it was like a conduit for me to be

able to like connect with other kids and

have something to talk about what was

home life like for you before the age of

10 I mean I thought everything was

perfect and awesome uh my my dad passed

when I was eight though and um I didn't

know but he had broken his back in a

suing accident when we'd first moved to

North Dakota and um he had like a rare

blood disorder where he couldn't heal

from it and so um he had been receiving

uh diagnoses basically saying he'd

become like a paraplegic in the then a

quadriplegic could eventually die and um

we didn't know that he was going through

this or dealing with chronic pain or

anything like that so he ended up taking

his life when he was when when I was

eight but he'd been going through that

for years but had kept it from us and

so then like my kind of my whole world

turned upside down and then my mom ended

up re remarrying a couple years later

and then when I was around 10 11 is when

we moved to um right in the border of

San mon Venice your father had a

sledding accident he he's told that he's

going to be a quadriplegic soon yes at

some point he broke his back and um his

disease called bardar syndrome makes it

difficult to clot your blood it's like a

platelet you know your platelets are Mal

malformed and uh so he wasn't able to

heal basically and uh they put a rod in

his back to try and help it heal but his

spine was just crumbling away so his

spine was basically like falling apart

he died by Suicide yeah he uh he said he

didn't want his our last memories of him

to be a laying in a bed with tubes

running in and out of him he was in a

lot of pain all the time but didn't like

being you know doped up on painkiller so

he just wanted to go out his own

way did you have any idea that he was

suffering at that time none at

all completely kept it from

us so so one minute he's there and and

then the next minute he's not

yeah how did you find out that he had

died by

Suicide um my mom told me right you know

right after it

happened how how how does a mother

explain that to an 8-year-old

child I mean she's a PhD in educational

psychology so very you know technically

I guess you know she just kind of laid

laid the facts out of this is what

happened and this is what's going on and

we wanted to keep it from you cuz uh she

said that my dad just wanted us to be

kids and not have to worry about it she

told you the details of his his suicide

yeah what impact does that have on you

um I mean in the long run I felt like it

just kind of gave me this feeling that

even if I feel like everything is okay

that everything can come crashing down

at any moment

and uh I guess I like lost any feeling

of security of even when everything's

going great I feel like like the ball's

about to drop you know and

um that's something that I had to like

you know work through till this day and

I feel like mostly I'm I can feel pretty

secure with my life and where I'm at but

yeah it plagued me for a long time you

were close to him yeah I was Big Time

Daddy's girl yeah but part of the speech

therapy was that my sisters were talking

for me and so

uh he had to work uh a little bit of a

drive from the house so he would be um

in Devil's Lake during the week and we'd

come home to my not on the weekends and

so um the speech therapist said I just

spend one-on-one time with a parent so

that I'm forced to speak so my sisters

can't translate my gibberish for me and

so we would it'd be me and him during

the week and we'd come home on the

weekend so he was like you know my whole

world it's um it's almost done

imaginable for an 8-year-old to try and

process that in reality and like the

because I think at 8 years old you don't

understand the concept of suicide or why

you know why a human could die by

Suicide and at that age what is the

story you you tell yourself in the book

you talk you talk about how you would

tell yourself that he's going he's just

gone away on business and that he's

going to return at some point yeah well

that's the only time that he would

really be gone away from the house for

extended periods of times cuz he had

like a business trip or something and so

that was just kind of like what I told

myself to cope for for a while but then

I found out later that uh my grandfather

committed suicide as well so he was a

second generation

suicide your siblings and your mother

the impact of the loss on your dad on

them was that noticeable did you notice

a change in

them my my like sister didn't ever

really want to talk talk about it and I

I think you know my

uh yeah no one really wanted to talk

about it at all it wasn't like the kind

of thing that we would bring up all the

time your mother at this time she's um a

champion in her own right yeah in

everything she um got a perfect score on

the SATs at 16 graduated college at

19 um then she won the World

Championships in Judo the first American

to ever win the World Championships in

Judo while she was working as a single

mother engineer and getting her PhD in

educational psychology wow yeah she's

incredible she when I was reading about

her and doing some research on her she

sounds like a little bit of a superwoman

so I went and found um I wanted to see

her and I found this picture of

her y That's mom she looks like a badass

bad she was the original armar lady she

uh actually tore her knees out when she

was 17 and had to learn how to win

basically just on the ground so um

she was the one that would always win by

armar oh really yeah and she was kind of

like taught me how she did it and you

know I add added to and learned things

as well but it's become like kind of a

family heirloom as the armar

yeah the family

armar I I often think that um our

childhoods and those sort of early

formative experiences and the traumas

that we experience they leave

fingerprints on us in various ways that

follow us for the rest of our lives um

for good for bad bad and sometimes for

ugly when you think about those sort of

first 10 years of your life and the

fingerprints it left on you as an adult

and the person that sits in front of me

today what are those things that are um

most sort of ingrained in you from that

time of your life what's most ingrained

in me from being a

kid um well I think like you know like

losing a parent is a huge format of

event have you ever read a blink by

Malcolm Gladwell no but I've spoken to

him on the podcast but no I haven't yeah

he mentions that uh that kids that lose

a parent before they're 10 actually end

up being uh more successful

statistically later in life and uh it's

like well he he's the one that delved

into into his book but um you know when

I was reading I'm like oh you know I I

could see I could see that that makes

sense in a way and um the the aoia and

stuff like really pushing me towards

Sports and like being physical and and

things like that and being the youngest

of the sisters so you know I was the one

that was that getting beat on at the

house so it made me tougher and want to

constantly be able to like prove myself

as you know not just being a little baby

but deserving of respect and stuff like

that and those kind of like made me into

um the kind of kid that would when I

first started swimming I wanted to win

the Olympics and swimming when I first

started Judo I was like I just still

want to win the Olympics in this now and

um but that was just how encouraging my

parents were you know if they're like oh

you want to swim you're going to you can

win the Olympics and swimming you know

and so I was just always fed that

expectation that I could do everything

and at sort of 10 years old you moved to

Santa Monica um and you had your

first attempt and try at Judo is that

right yeah I um well I was swimming

here but I wasn't so much into swimming

it's kind of

boring and uh I didn't like waking up in

the morning and jumping in a cold pool I

didn't blame me yeah so after a little

bit of that I was like h

I want to do something else and my mom

uh she trained here in the 80s back when

she did Judo and so she went to go visit

a bunch of her old teammates that had

all gone and opened up clubs of their

own and I went and tried it and I

remember my first day I didn't even have

a hair tie my hair was all over the

place crazy and I was like trying to

figure out how to do Judo and uh I had

the most fun that I ever had cuz I love

that there was no one way to do it if it

you know if it worked it was right and

it was kind of like mentally intriguing

you have to figure it out you're like

solving a puzzle or like having a

conversation with the other person you

know and so um because it was so like

mentally engaging I think that's why I

liked it so much and uh uh when I won my

first tournament I got that feeling of

winning that I didn't quite get in in

swimming I was one of the top kids in

the state but I wouldn't like really win

swimming meets and so um first time I

won something I got like addicted to

that feeling I guess so I actually

dropped out of school when I was 16 to

be able to train and do Judo full-time

and move away from home to train

full-time what was your mother's opinion

on you doing Judo seeing as she was a a

champion in Judo herself when her

daughter turns around and says mom I

want to do Judo

too um I mean I can't really say how she

felt but I mean I was kind of like

identified as being like a prodigy of

Judo pretty young and uh

she wanted to kind of take an outside

role of making sure that I was training

with all the right people at the right

time she wasn't the person that was on

like she of course taught me everything

that that she could and um but she

didn't really want to be that

overbearing coach Mom on the match you

more of like was like you go here train

with this person you go here train with

that person was like the overarching

like architect of my career and

everything like that you um you went to

your first tournament and you win the

tournament with instant wins ions I

don't know what an ion is but ion is

like if you throw someone flat on their

back okay right so you win that first

tournament people start considering you

to be this child prodigy in Judo what

was it about when you look back on

yourself now with all the wisdom you

have what was it about you that made you

Excel above your peers Judo what was it

about your character something that you

did uh I mean there had to be some sort

of genetic Factor cuz like my mom and my

dad are both like good athletes um but I

think yeah part of it was personality

wise but I just really wanted to win I

had that I cared why I mean winning felt

good but I also it really hurt for me to

lose I hated like my first tournament I

lost I like locked myself in a room for

like a week I was so upset but I was

willing to get my heart broken I was

willing to care about something so much

that my heart would be broken if I

didn't you know achieve it and I don't

know I think I felt like the idea of

being better at something than everybody

else like made me special somehow it was

like proof and it was also it wasn't

like I was dragging myself through doing

it to be great at something because

that's what it was I I really enjoyed

like mastering the art of Judo like

figuring it out it was like endlessly

intriguing to me at the time and I

remember when I was

16 I like realized while I was you know

doing nawaza which is fighting on the

ground that the end of one move was the

beginning have another one and that's

when I moov from like trying to memorize

all these separate techniques to trying

to um combine them into like a path and

like a web and I um I didn't come up and

you know naaza and Judo is not the focus

of the sport really um maybe it's like

20% of the time people spend on the

ground maybe less but it wasn't like

Gracie Jiu-Jitsu where they like show

you like oh this is the way and this is

the structure and I was very open-ended

and so I was kind of like I had to

create like my own like system basically

my own fighting style and everything

like that and that was I think the most

interesting to me that I was like

creating a philosophy and everything and

Concepts and how how did I piece

everything together and so um I think

that was the most interesting part I I

could train for hours and hours and

hours and hours and not realize that I'm

tired because I'm trying to piece

something together um but I also I think

we call it like opposite add where I

like fixate on things for like hours on

end and I can't get off of it and uh but

if you tell me to like run you know I'm

like oh my God the whole time I'm like

okay I'm tired I'm tired I'm more tired

than I was but if you tell me like if I

had to try and figure out how to like do

a certain punch a certain right way or

do a certain throw a certain right way I

would do it for hours on end trying to

get it absolutely perfect and not

realize all that time had passed so and

sometimes that's like a negative thing

or I'll fix dat on something like

something stupid I did like several

years ago and not be able to stop myself

from thinking about it but it's also the

same thing that would keep me training

on a single technique for hours on end

just trying to get it right and my mom

said when I was a kid I would draw the

same picture over and over and over

again I would I remember it was like a

bunny in the middle and there was like a

bush a bush and a tree and a tree and

each side and like a sun with the cool

glasses right my mom would be like what

why do you keep drawing this picture

over and over thousands of times I would

draw the same drawing

and uh she said my answer was that I'm

just trying to get it to match the

picture in my head I couldn't understand

why when I thought of a bunny and a

bushes and all this stuff and I drew it

it didn't look exactly like a bunny and

so I would keep drawing it over and over

and over again to try and get it and uh

I guess that's like you know my

personality I guess it's something that

I can't really control for For Better or

For Worse and is that perfectionism is

that how You' kind of Define that this

sort of obsessive um

pursuit of making the thing perfect as

you see it I don't think it's so much

perfectionism as it is Mastery I want to

like master and understand something

completely it's kind of like an

unfinished puzzle you

know cuz I can live in squalor like I

don't think like the perfectionism of

everything around me is really uh um so

so important but yeah being able to to

understand something completely is

something that nags me if I don't

completely understand it I have to like

keep going back to it big jimm you go

and train with big Jim at 16 years old

you leave home at 16 years old and go

and train with big Jim who's Big Jim and

why did you go and live with him what

for eight months roughly oh God mean on

and off for like years I was up there

um uh well Big Jim was one of the best

coaches in the country and he trained

his son little Jimmy who had just won

the 1999 World Championship as in Judo

and um I know Judo is not that big in

the US so the places that are good at it

and have good coaches and good people to

train with are few and far between and

um Pedro's Judo was one of those

places yeah leaving home at 16 is

um is unusual to say the least yeah what

impact did that have on you it was tough

it was hard I remember being homesick a

lot um I was really isolating you know I

uh all I did was train all day there

wasn't any other kids my age I was

always around people older than me um

you know part of being like a sport

Prodigy is no one your age is on your

level you know so I was always training

with people older I also at the same

time felt like I was in the middle of my

Montage to do something like amazing you

know my um I thought I was going to

shock the world and be the first

American to win the gold medal in Judo

at 17 and so no it was worth it to me

and at this time you're 16 you're you

have your first experience with what we

call

bulimia you talk about this in the book

where because of the pressure for to

make way almost every week you struggled

with bulimia for the first time can you

what do I need to understand about that

because I I don't understand what bimar

is in my in Full full entirety but I

also don't understand the circumstances

that would lead a 16-year-old to make

decisions

to that would be categorized as Bic

um well basically I had to be await on a

deadline very often and it's not really

a weight that I could healthily stay at

and so I would have to cut weight to get

there and um I just it started to give

me like a really unhealthy relationship

with food where I would like hoard food

while I was cutting weight like candy

bars and stuff like that and then after

I made weight I would like Gorge myself

on it like I didn't know any I didn't

have any um resources to help me out

with it and so uh it just kind of

spiraled into a

disorder and that sort of would mean um

throwing up your food after you to eaten

it on occasion

MH yep I remember the first time I did

it was uh I had like a childhood coach

or something took me out one day and he

like basically like forced me to have a

chocolate shake and he was like no you

got to have a chocolate shake come on

it's fine you train it all the time you

need to relax you have a chocolate shake

and I felt like so guilty about the

chocolate shake that I and I had to be

like make weight or something like that

weekend or something I there's no way I

would be able to make it and so like uh

I made myself throw up the chocolate

shake and it was actually like it was it

was cold it didn't hurt it was that bad

you know and I was like oh well it's

that wasn't even that terrible and so uh

I thought it was like a one time thing

but the next time I like ate two to much

and I felt like really guilty about it

it just became like you know the panic

button of if I ate too much and I had a

deadline coming up where I had to be a

certain weight I felt like it was the

only thing I could do and I was a little

girl that was growing you know I like

grew 4 in and like doubled my weight in

a short period of time and so I just

couldn't stay at a lower weight so um

but you have all this outside pressure

to be able to maintain the the same way

even though as an athlete you're growing

and putting on muscle and even getting

taller so it was kind of like fighting

nature I read in your book that they

called you

missman yeah in school it wasn't cool

for you know little girls to be muscular

back then and so uh before I dropped out

at 16 you know I

uh I was really muscular and um people

would like grab at my arms and make fun

of me all the time to the point that I

would just kind of like I would wear a

zipup hoodie all the time no matter how

hot I was I always Tred to like cover up

my arms or how muscular I was which is

one reason why when I got older that

trying to like fight that that uh idea

that being muscular or was masculine was

something that became important to me

because that you know if you were a

teenage girl in the early

2000s it was a a pretty unhealthy

standard that was presented to us so

yeah I uh I didn't fit the the very

narrow scope of what was considered

attractive at that that time and um and

now it's like considered like really

cool for you know women to have muscles

now all the model models have like

stomach definition and stuff like that

and like are doing boxing and all this

stuff and want to look toned but um that

that wasn't the case back and that

wasn't the case back then that was

something that I got teased for a lot by

18 you leave home and you go off to um

you leave home as you say because you

felt like you wanted to have some

control over your life um and I think

you on route to the Olympics at this

point you were thinking about going to

the Olympics at 21 years old you

actually competed in the Beijing

Olympics and were the first American

women to get an Olympic

medal and then what I found really

shocking is that you made $6,000 from

from winning that medal at the Olympics

yeah after I got taxed on it $1,000 and

got taxed on it actually bitched about

it so much in the media when I was doing

MMA that they got rid of that tax but

still you would only get

$110,000 is there like a bit of a

through line in your story that starts

very young about this idea of um the

importance of validation and respect

from other people this kind of bit of a

chip on your shoulder that was driving

you yeah I think it it started out of

something that drove me and then it

ended up being something that held me

back that I had to kind of shake myself

from but you know I also benefited

greatly from it so I'm not saying I

regret anything but I know that it

wasn't like a sustainable model for for

me to you know be happy in the long run

CU I spoke to Tim Grover who trained

LeBron and um Kobe and he said the same

thing to me he said you know when he's

talking about Kobe and all those years

training him to To Be A Champion that

our dark side and our light light side

are interconnected when he's talking

about our Dark Side he's basically

saying like the trauma the the difficult

things about us the things that we would

probably keep in the shadow if we could

um they end up creating the greatness

that we see on our screens and it's like

you can't separate out the two you can't

just have this person and not this

person unfortunately but like he he

makes the case to me that we all have a

dark side and unfortunately it's it as I

say it's responsible for our light side

I I see that throughout your story this

sort of Journey to understanding that

part of you and as you say in your book

like liberating yourself from it um

which is really interesting because I

feel like I've been through this trying

to been I've been trying to do the same

thing in my life I've been trying to

take back the control of some of it

because as you said there it can lead

you to the top of the mountain and then

it can sometimes bring you down the

other side or it can make you miserable

at the top of the mountain I think I had

to get to the top of several mountains

to realize that like the mountain

climbing wasn't really going to be what

made me happy and I had this idea that

if I like if I collected or hoarded

achievements that somehow well someday

they would all add up to happiness that

I would be able to like I did this thing

so now I could be happy forever like my

idea was if I'm like the first American

to win the Olympic

in Judo then I will be happy for the

rest of my life and it's not it it it

didn't really work like that like I

could yeah achieve these great things

and it would make me happy for a time

but your life goes on past that and so I

kind of had to um figure out after

hoarding all these bucket list

experiences that um that I would

actually end up just forgetting at times

like someone had to remind me the other

day remember when you flew with the

Thunderbirds I'm like oh yeah

and and then and then they didn't equate

to to the actual happiness and I had to

um I thought that if I like could make

my past into something that i' I'd done

all these great things that it would it

would dictate my future but I had to

kind of figure out that like making

myself happy with every day that I'm wi

that that I'm living individually is

what I needed to do and there's no

amount of accomplishments that you can

like add to you know your your trophy

shelf that are going to acquaint to

being happy forever in the future it

just it just is impossible and it sounds

like you you were living with a bit of a

secret throughout your sort of early MMA

career and the fact that you had what

appeared to be a bit of a concussion

based brain injury of sorts because in

your book you talk about how you realize

that in inspiring if someone hit you

pretty hard in the head you'd end up

seeing

Stars yeah I mean I people didn't really

know about CTE back when I was doing

Judo and um I get concussions all the

time and just be told that you know hey

I my head hurts I have photo Vision I

would say it like stuff like that and

then' be like just stop being a [ __ ]

and like keep training and so um I would

get you know dozens and dozens of

concussions and never be allowed to stop

and I would have to keep training

through them and the symptoms would

persist for weeks so the point that I

was experiencing concussion symptoms

more often than I wasn't for 10year Judo

career I mean that's the kind of thing

that like you know leads to CTE all

these football players that we we're

dealing with were having concussions

repeatedly and not being allowed to rest

and so by the time I got into MMA like

this is the kind of injury that

accumulates over time you don't you know

it doesn't go away every time you get a

concussion it's easier to get another

one and so by the time I got into MMA I

um it was really easy for me to to get

concussion symptoms and um i' I'd rested

for a couple years you know so at first

it wasn't so bad but it it just got

worse and worse and worse with time even

if I'm winning a fight and you know 14

seconds and the other person doesn't

touch me there's uh 50 rounds of

sparring that went into that training

camp and you're wearing like a headgear

and gloves which are meant to protect

you cosmetically but these gloves are 14

ounces and you're wearing this head gear

so your brain is you know suspended in

fluid the the larger the thing is like

it's a 14 o ounces it's easier actually

to give you a concussion um when you're

sparring and it's the kind of thing that

I just didn't want to like say anything

about you know I didn't want and I

didn't want to address it myself or any

kind of weakness in myself and I just

kept telling myself that I you know I

just have to be perfect and not allow

these people to touch me I have to

create this fighting style that's so

efficient

that I don't take any damage and um it

got to a point where I fought Sarah

McMahon and she barely tapped me and I

obviously had a concussion afterward I

couldn't bear to look at the lights I

had to have everyone turn the lights off

and

um I was looking for a way out you know

cuz I know I couldn't sustain that

forever um but yeah it's got to it got

to the point where if I got like tapped

at all um with the you know said the

point say Stephanie McMahon slapped me

and gave me a concussion you know and uh

the you know a woman

then that has never been a fighter in

her life and even you know is uh passed

her slapping Prime if she can slap me

across the face and give me a concussion

you know I shouldn't be fighting anymore

did you keep this a secret I had to keep

it a secret from everybody um my coaches

Dana even like myself I just didn't want

to face face up to it I just thought

thought that I could keep it going

forever and

so that like I think was the most

frustrating thing to me that like in

my uh my first loss I got tapped in the

beginning and I'd fallen down the stairs

a week or so like maybe a week or so

before that knocked myself out falling

down the stairs at my house and then

didn't say anything went into the fight

anyway had a horrible weight cut had the

wrong mouth guard with that which didn't

have the protection on the back of the

bottom teeth

so the first time she Taps me my teeth

get knocked loose and I'm out on my feet

like when I say out on my feet it means

that like like I have no I have no depth

depth perception basically and I'm at a

very limited capacity of what my brain

can

um the information that it could give me

and so I knew that if she knew that I

was hurt I wouldn't be able to defend

myself and so I had to keep

coming forward without knowing how far

away she was and not being fully you

know hold of my facilities just to keep

them the fight going hoping that I would

recover but I just couldn't and so I

think that that's one of the things

that really dug like dug at me for so

long that so many people were like

saying like oh Rhonda's game plan was

bad or whatever this and like they

didn't know that like I wasn't like

present I I was like just trying to

survive I couldn't see how far away she

was I

um it wasn't like that was my game plan

or anything like that I was like

completely disabled and uh when I tried

to fight again and I was like okay I

give myself a break and I'll make sure

the mouth goge is perfect and this time

I'm not going to knock myself out right

before the fight and all those things

and the same thing I just got tapped and

I was I was out you know even if I was

out on my feet I was

out so I just like just didn't have the

hardware to continue fighting and a lot

of people would say like oh you're a

[ __ ] quitter you're this this or that

and and it's really difficult because i'

never had been more skilled as a fighter

I'd never been better in my life but I

just you know I just neurologically

wasn't capable of continuing it to fight

at that level and I couldn't say

anything about it then because I wanted

to go and do pro wrestling and they

already have their own controversy that

they had to deal with with uh wrestlers

having you know CTE all kinds of damage

from concussions and so it's such a

volatile subject that I

just I couldn't say anything about it

and I couldn't say anything about it

leading into my my my last fight because

then I'd be basically telling the other

person that um you know the putting a

Target on my head literally so I just

had to stay silent about it for years

and let people make their their own

assumptions about me and um you know it

was it was tough because like

in some ways like I've never been better

as a fighter I've never had a better

grasp of everything than I ever had I'd

never been faster stronger everything

else but you know you only have so many

hits that you can take and unfortunately

I took the vast majority of them as a

kid doing

Judo I want to make sure I completely

understand the context of the what it's

like to get a concussion and to live

with a concussion that ends up

compounding to make it even more

sensitive you you you take those big

hits when you're younger they they ask

you to fight through the concussion by

the time you're in the UFC you've

developed this incredible style where

you basically get people out of there

instantly I mean in the leading up to

your fight with Amanda Holmes I think I

remember the commentator saying at the

time that you'd knocked or you'd

submitted everyone within sort of 30

seconds of the fight starting so your

your style had kind of adapted to become

I'm going to get this person out of

there immediately that yeah that wasn't

an accident that was the goal that was

the goal the goal was I had to be able

to finish the person off immediately

because that was the only way that I

could fight is to not take any damage

because if they had hit you in the head

at that point there was a risk that you

you would get a concussion and you were

aware of that risk but your coaches

weren't no were any of your coaches

aware of it no was Edmund aware of it

yourbody I didn't tell anybody I didn't

it was one of those things I just didn't

want to

like face up to that to having any

weakness in myself and also like like

Edan would have made me stop I didn't

want to stop I didn't want anyone to be

making that decision for me I didn't

wanted to tell the company that I was

having neurological symptoms cuz then

they wouldn't let me continue to fight I

didn't want those decisions to be taken

out of my

hands in your book you talk about the

relationship you had with Edmund and it

wasn't always great in terms of his

approach to coaching you talk about how

he would physically strike you during

training but more potentially even more

he would emotionally abuse you during

training I mean

honestly I

can't think of single coach

that I had like a great like a like a

great relationship with like this is

like a lot of the coaches were of that

like Bella Cori kind of generation of

like they thought that being abusive to

the athletes is what gave them the best

result and that was kind of what was

like in Vogue at the time so

um and like that as an athlete you're

just kind of like all right well this is

what I have to deal with in order to be

the best and especially with like

these these Sports where you have no

other choice like this is the national

team coach and you have to get their

approval and put up their [ __ ] to be

able to to fight at this level and so

like Edmund

was I think not as bad as previous

coaches so that's why I um put up with a

lot cuz I felt like I at least had a say

that I could I could talk back the other

coaches would just you know um like

little Jimmy my first coach literally

like dislocated my jaw as I was a little

kid I threw him once in front of

everybody and and laughed because I

thought it was awesome and he threw me

on the benches on top of the table at

everybody else's in front of all these

people and uh you know Big Jim had like

grabbed me by the throat before to like

drive his point home that women can't

defend themselves and so this is like

behavior that I've been conditioned to

tolerate since I was like a little

girl and um Edmund was of that same like

Eastern European kind of like school of

thought of like you have to be like

really tough and in order to bring the

best out of people and um what does that

do to your emotions though because we

develop you know at the age when most of

us are developing our emotions you're

having yours suppressed and you're being

made into this really quote unquote

tough

person I think it kind of taught me from

a young age to just

like how to diffuse like coaches that

were like getting out of hand and to not

because if I st stood up for myself it

would just make it worse and so it just

kind of like taught me to like okay I

got to like get this person in a good

mood all the time or I had to like

butter them up or I have to like

strategically find my way to like out

out of being bered or something like

that and so um I think it's not so much

one individual that's a huge problem I

think like the whole system is the

problem and that it really reinforces

these like in these power IM balances

that are um inevitably taken advantage

of that all these coaches have free

reign of their little their little

foms and

um a lot of these athletes don't have

any other option and so like I don't see

how like in school you can have like a

teacher someone comes in to watch the

teacher teach to grade them on their

teaching like nobody does this for

coaching and you know so I would hear

these stories about like these Sumo

coaches that like would kill their

Athletes Training them and I'd be like

yeah you know I could see how that going

happen and it's just it's it's not one

person it's not one sport it's

everywhere and there's

like I can't say that I have all the

answers for it but I can say that like

coaching in general creates a really

like unhealthy power like in inbalance

that what I was

able how I was able to take my

relationship with my coach Edmund and

take it from off the rails back on track

is to to have very distinct boundaries

you know a lot of times your coach is

someone that you're you know is tough on

you but they're also like they care

about you they're a parent they're a

brother they're they're a coach too but

a lot of times it it becomes like an

overbearing family member and a coach

and you can't be both that's why my mom

didn't want to be my coach she didn't

want to have to be my mom and my coach

because being both of those at the same

time is inevitably

unhealthy and

when we put boundaries in place of like

okay this is what your job is and you do

not do anything outside of that

then you know I training was better than

ever our relationship was better than

ever but I think like a lot of these

lines and these boundaries get blurred

and they need to be very you know very

defined in order for for it to work out

and how were those Lines Blurred with

your coach um just just

he was crossing them in terms of the

things he was able to say and do yeah I

mean a lot of it was like he just wanted

to know where I was all the time and um

like I needed to be constantly available

and and stuff like that and uh or else

it would like end up turning into like a

big argument or something like that and

I would just end up just trying to like

do anything I could to not get in an

argument and

um but yeah like I had to like make a

rule at one point I was like you're not

allowed to FaceTime me cuz I don't want

you to just FaceTime me and know where I

am at all times and what I'm doing cuz

like it's my [ __ ] business it's my

privacy and it was just he was always

trying to push that

boundary um now was always pushing back

and stuff like that and um but I was

like I don't know I A lot of times I

like I'm like I just want to train like

I don't I would be just trying to like

plate him because if I like just stopped

talking to him and an argument then it

would end up leaking into training the

next day and so it just became like

really like taxing of like my my energy

in general but like I mean I can't

really think of a single like coach

relationship that I that I had that was

like perfect but it worked you know

that's the one problem that I'd always

had like debating I'm like well it's

working I'm getting better and so you

would just put up with it because

there's there was no perfect option out

there you said at the very start that

you were very very close to your father

and then when your father the past these

other men that almost take on what

someone could like into a fatherly role

are all

coaches yeah yeah no I mean they were

all like uh what was it in in Kill Bill

that was talking about uh that bill lost

his father early so he collected father

figures yeah I collected them um none of

them were as good as the

original but yeah I think that that

constant need for you know um validation

from a father fig it was something that

I was constantly like pursuing but um

you know that like that philosophy of

coaching of you

know you see like the like the Russian

figure skaters the gymnast that never

smile because they've been like beaten

into iron that was basically the

philosophy of all the coaches that I had

they would see someone like B coroli and

be like oh my God like he was their Idol

and so they're all trying to like

emulate that beating the emotion out of

you this is something that I that I've

always wondered about you because you

you've always had a

Steely um

exterior you know no you have especially

when in the in the fight in the UFC days

I watched some of you your Clips to

remind myself of your fighting days

before this and you know that you came

in with that face that that face and um

just in interviews around that time and

so on and this is why I asked the

question about emotion and how as

because you got into this at such a

young age and you're dealing with these

men who call you you know you're lack

lacking discipline if you miss weight

and all of these kinds of things

um you go through that the loss of your

father the unprocessed grief I'm

wondering what happens to Ronda Rousey's

relationship with her own emotions I

mean I was always really emotional

actually as a fighter I would cry on the

mat all the time all the time I I cried

on the mat like every practice for years

straight and I would get yelled at for

crying you get yelled at for crying I

yelled at for crying so I would cry and

then I would cry because I was crying

and I would cry because I was being

yelled at for crying and um yeah I just

uh but it wouldn't be because something

hurt it would because you know something

I was frustrated by something I couldn't

I got thrown or I couldn't make

something work I was trying to make work

and I would cry out of frustration and

my uh mom said I had a tournament where

it was full double elimination so I

ended up winning the tournament but I

lost a match earlier in the day and

every single match I would come out

crying bow in throw the other girl on

her ass beat her bow out crying come

into the next match still crying beat

the [ __ ] out of the other girl B out

crying the whole day crying until I beat

everybody beat the same girl that beat

me twice in order to win on top of the

podium number one crying still because I

lost that first match earlier in the day

and so yeah I was always very

emotional I was extremely emotional as a

fighter and in training and everything

like that and that was something I was

constantly trying to like battle was

like if you get thrown in a tournament

don't start crying because that was just

something that would happen to me all

the time very yeah and that it's so

funny people think that I'm like yeah

this emotionalist robot whatever I fight

it took a long time to to be able to get

there to stop like crying in the middle

of a match wow yeah Dana says he's never

going to allow women into the UFC to

fight but then Dana changes his mind and

he changes his mind because of you

effectively so in September 2012 I

remember the I remember it very fondly I

remember where I was when I watched the

first um woman fight in the UFC Dana

says that he's signing the first ever

woman fighter in the UFC lady called

Ronda Rousey and despite saying a year

earlier that he wouldn't but he called

you a game changer and so you did end up

changing the game and you became UFC

champion between 2022 and

2015 you won 15 fights back to back most

of them finished within seconds you

stacked up a bunch of records including

the fastest ever win fastest submission

fastest title defense

turnaround and you were voted the best

female athlete of all time in a 2015 PN

fan pole and Fox Sports called you one

of the defining athletes of the 21st

century part of that sort of 15 fights

back to back was you know when I think

about that period is the amount of times

you were fighting was really unusual

you're fighting I think there sometimes

you're fighting three times in nine

months which is kind of unheard of for

anyone in the UFC I mean there's

Fighters today that seem to just fight

once a year why were you doing that why

were you fighting so frequently I was

fighting that frequently because that's

how often Dana called and I told him

that you no if you sign me I will be

there to fight whenever you need me and

I never said no and so anytime that I

got an offer or anytime one of the guys

got hurt or fell out I was always the

one that would fill in and um you know

if there was like a I always fought on

like uh Fe like februaries and augusts

and November like the worst times of the

years is to fight because that's when

they needed somebody to come in and pick

up the numbers so I wasn't somebody like

like holding out to only fight on the

fourth of July card or New Year's card

which are the best you know viewer um

the highest view of the year I um I

would do whatever was best for the

company because that's what I promised

the role that I would fulfill that was

like the deal that I made when I came in

and um you know nobody else has to do

that but I felt like I I owed it to Dana

I I I promised him I would be there

anytime that he needed me and I was if

you could go back and give yourself

advice on that day when you signed your

UFC contract now you could time travel

back to that Ronda and give her a little

bit of advice whisper in a what would

you say I wouldn't change anything you

wouldn't change anything time travel is

not possible and I led myself to where I

am now and I'm happy with where I'm at

so I wouldn't [ __ ] with it when you got

the news that you're going to be signing

for the UFC as the first ever woman to

fight in the

UFC how did how did that feel um

validating really yeah and I was just

really excited I just felt like I was in

on a secret that the whole world didn't

know and they were just starting to find

out and throughout that period while you

were the UFC champion you take up acting

and you you feature in a couple of films

like the Fast and Furious The

Expendables Etc was that something that

you always had planned or is that

something that just arose as an

opportunity uh the movie stuff just kind

of arose as an opportunity um but you

know once it became a possibility I was

like of course I could be the next Bruce

Lee you know of course I could do great

at this and um uh I felt like I was good

like performer and you know great

physical performer as well and I could

combine the two in a way that nobody

else could so I went after it with the

same kind of confidence I went after

everything on the 14th of November 2015

you had UFC 193 where you were lined up

to fight Holly Holmes in Melbourne

Australia I remember where I was when

that fight happened I I didn't miss many

UFC fights and I still don't miss many

but it was a really sort of um a huge

turning point for a number of reasons

you were

indestructible basically that's how the

whole UFC community and I think the fan

base saw you but in that moment as you

said earlier on there was an initial

contact and I watched the clip again

earlier on there's an initial contact I

think it was with um Holly holm's elbow

if if I can't remember if I remember

correctly and then you talked about

having this sort of issue with dep death

percept depth perception because of that

initial contact and that's actually what

I see in that clip I see from that first

sort of strike that there is an issue

with kind of understanding where where

um Holly is and that fight ends in a

head kick from that moment when you

leave the O the

Octagon how does how does your life and

perception of everything change because

it's interesting the way that you were

built up to that you were I was going to

say the top of the mountain and you up

in the clouds at that point like it was

it was framed to everyone that you were

fundamentally indestructible

you know and that's kind of what the

marketing machine does it does to

everyone they're fundamentally

indestructible but to everyone with from

mamad Ali to my friend Israel um in the

UFC everyone has their day where we find

out that everyone is a human being to

some degree from the moment you leave

the UFC what is life like from that

point onwards when you get back into the

medical

room um extremely

depressing you know that was my whole

identity was uh uh being champion and

defeated and um it's just like Soul

crushing really was it was I was just

kind of like forced to face music before

I was ready to and I knew that

um it was going to catch up to me at

some point but I was

more think upset that there were so many

people out there that were like reveling

in

it and um

and I don't know it just felt so like

unjust in a way because I just felt like

it was

just there's so much of it it just

wasn't my fault you know I just couldn't

like my brain just couldn't take what I

asked of it anymore and my body took as

much as it could until it literally

broke and I gave everybody everything

that I had and

um and that wasn't enough for them they

they hated me for not having

more so I mean it was tough it was um I

saw a whole bunch of people that I

thought were friends just you know turn

on me and

um it was uh really eye opening in a way

though you know

to who TR who had CH who to who true

friends are and what is what true

happiness is and that outward validation

wasn't it

and so I think maybe he might have saved

me in a way from going down the path of

trying to like chase that high of

everybody's you know approval

forever but um so I guess it was

liberating in a way in the long run if I

was a fly on the wall that night when

you left that octagon what would I have

seen a lot of

crying you

know

um I had to get my lip sewed up the

muscle underneath and then the the

skin I remember I was so out of it that

I like bit off a chunk of my lip and

spit it out like it was like a piece of

chap like you know like a chapped lip

like that's how out of it I was I was

biting and Che like spinning out chunks

of like fles in my lip and people

judging me for the decisions I was

making while while in that state I think

is what bothered me the most it wasn't

so much that I lost it was just that

people thought that I didn't know how to

fight and um you know if I was at my

full capacity I don't think anyone could

ever beat me but I

just you know I was

spent I I was running on fumes for so

long that I didn't have any fumes left

and

um and the moment that I ran out of

fumes was um you know broadcast live to

billions of people everywhere who all

had their own assumptions about it and

none of them are right and I felt like I

couldn't speak up or say anything and on

honestly like whoever I tried to talk to

they didn't care

about um helping me communicate what I

was trying to communicate they just

cared about getting as many clicks as

possible so I couldn't trust anyone to

speak through so I feel like this book

was the only way that I could really

communicate everything that I'd been

holding on to for years because I

mean yeah it was really tough but I

literally fought until I couldn't fight

anymore

and maybe that's not enough for a lot of

people but I feel like I created the

most efficient fighting style that ever

created that that was that's ever

existed and um I had to realize that

only people that are truly great can

recognize greatness I wanted to be so

great that only that even an idiot

couldn't um deny it but

um but then I realized after going into

pro wrestling that retiring undefeated

and taking the equity that I had with me

wouldn't have been what was best for the

sport even though I know that I'm better

than all these girls and by [ __ ] long

shot and I always will

be taking my Equity away from me so that

everybody is knows that wouldn't would

actually tarnish my legacy it wouldn't

make everybody take the the women after

me seriously and so it it had to happen

for the for you know the the betterment

of the sport but you know sometimes it

it still stings a little bit that it's

you know I'm not recognized as the

greatest ever what I know I am but my

mom said all the time really quick you

have this picture here that she didn't

care if everybody knew she was the best

in the world she only cared if she knew

she didn't care if that nobody knew who

was the first American world champion of

Judo back in 1984 it was important to

her and um

I think like somewhere along the way um

I it started to matter more what other

people thought than what I thought and

so um I think being being forced back to

to that was actually the best thing that

could have happened to me I don't think

people realize the extent of they see it

as kind of just a game you fighting they

see it's some kind of game that they're

watching like they're playing on Xbox or

Playstation but I don't think they

understand the extent of the devastation

on a human level that you kind of

experience after that loss and I think

until you did that interview with Ellen

where you revealed that you'd gone back

to your changing room and you had the

sort of this sort of suicidal ideation

about the

future most people didn't realize the

extent of it until then did you

literally have suicidal

ideation in the days and hours following

the fight no it was basically like

instantly when I came backstage

uh but you know

um suicide is the kind of thing that

becomes more prevalent if you know it's

in your family and I've literally had

two generations of suicide ahead of me

it's just something that um it's always

a like a an option in your mind once

it's shown to you you

know um but I think that the fact that I

was with Trav then my husband now

that I just didn't want to like take the

pain that I had in me and give it to him

because that's what how I experienced

suicide was like okay it's you get to

relieve yourself of that pain but you

have to you passed on to everybody else

and um my my you know but my dad was

dying anyway he wouldn't have been able

to prevent his his death and he was you

know physically suffering every day and

so that so I understand that

and um I didn't feel like I had that

same kind of justification that I wasn't

going to die anyway so um I was going

going to live for him and for my family

so that they wouldn't have to to to take

the pain that I was feeling onto

them was that the hardest moment in your

professional

career professionally

yeah was it the hardest moment in your

personal life no losing my dad was

course you went on to fight Amanda Nunes

as at UFC 207 in 2016 and the the fight

um ends again and after this you come to

the decision that your time at the UFC

is over and you decide to to move on to

the WWE there's a sort of a two-year Gap

I believe between about a one-year gap

between the Nunes fight and the WWE

announcement what happens in your life

in that Gap um I was mostly just being

sad I was just like sad and high and

playing video games and eating

Crepes I mean everybody wants to rush

you through grieving things but you know

I think it's important and so I took

that time to myself I was also just so

worn out from you know like I said

Running on Fumes for years on end and

like literally dragging myself out of

bed every morning and like having to dig

deep every second of the day that I just

you know wanted to dig deep and just

disappear I had you know Paparazzi and

all kinds of crazy [ __ ] happening at the

time and I

just just like didn't want to be famous

anymore

so um it was always more of a tool than

a goal and now that I didn't have fights

to promote I didn't need it anymore but

I guess it wasn't done with me so I kind

of had to like um disappear for a while

to be left alone were you doing anything

professionally during that period we

just at home um I mean I

um oh just at home I feel like I just

needed to

not give

anymore I don't think anyone can

understand how exhausted I was and how

much it had been asked of me for so long

that I just needed to rest I needed a

mentally and physically

rest and um but people of you know dug

deep enough to make it to two Olympics

and win 15 fights in a row you know not

people a lot of people understand how

much effort that takes and um just

sounds like numbers when you say it but

when you live it it's just like I

literally had nothing left in me I could

barely get out of bed so I

mean it's not the kind of like tired

that you can take a long sleep from and

wake up refreshed you know like it's

like the kind attire that takes like a

year to recover from is that is that

depression in your yes so you could you

could call it

depression um but you know I I didn't

see anyone get

diagnosed your your husband was there

throughout that period with you yeah he

was there the whole time he was the one

supplying the

Crepes yeah he's amazing he he really

was you know helped drag me out of my

own hole

and I'm very much like you know like a

Gollum cave creature in general like I

just will

like not not leave my my little Den um

but he's like very much a social

butterfly and he would make sure that

like okay you need to go out and

interact with human beings and I'm like

no which you know it's always kind of

been how I was I I always struggled

socially and stuff like that um which is

why I got into Judo was to be able to

like socialize and just be able to talk

and communicate and so um I just kind of

reverted back to like my my hermit

Tendencies and yeah Trav literally had

to like drag me out of my hole and um

I'm glad you did but um yeah I would

easily SL slide back into the Misty

Mountains anytime I was allowed did he

understand what you were going through

psychologically in that period were you

able to communicate it Tim um I think he

understood to an extent like he uh he

had a different kind of incredible story

where he started fighting at 26 and then

was the number one contender in at the

UFC in as much time it is it took me to

be the number one contender in the UFC

so he was like incredibly naturally

talented but he hadn't been you know

um pursuing a goal of athletic greatness

since he was six the way that I had and

so um just the disappointment of you

know never going never winning an

Olympic gold medal and never being able

to retire undefeated and those kind of

like lifelong goals um I don't think a

lot of people understand that but he

also was still like so supportive and

there for me you know and he never got

fed up with me moping around and

literally crying over like eggs if I

like know broke the Yol and be like I

can't even make you eggs you know and

like just being like that for like yeah

over a year and stuff and his like he's

just such incredible love patience it

was just like there for me all the time

and just like bring me in and hold me

when I needed it even if he didn't like

understand why I was so sad he was like

there for it anyway so yeah he's the

best thing that ever happened to me I

love him so

much but yeah he might not have

understood it so much but he was still

there for

me you knew you're going to get me at

some point I told you I'm emotional no I

no it's often in those moments um our

hardest moments that we

realize as you said earlier who we've

got around us but also the value of

certain people in our lives I think in

my hardest times in my life that's

that's following those times is when I

realized who really really mattered and

my partner in particular through my

hardest moments I've you go through the

the Dark Canyon of these tough times in

life and you emerg that person walked

through it with you and you go [ __ ]

hell this person now I understand how

much they mean to me sometimes it takes

that to understand what someone means to

you um and it certainly sounds like that

moment crystallized what Travis means to

you in your life as well yeah I think

when we first got together we went

through so much stuff that would have

driven anybody else apart but it really

just brought us all brought us brought

the two of us closer together and I'm

just so glad that we were with each

other when we were going through the

hardest times that we didn't have to go

through it

alone what is the WWE come in so that's

ultimately what sort of I guess pulled

you out of your little cave there but

yeah I I had to get out of the cave and

in front of like a crowd of thousands of

people alive of course which is really

funny because I really don't like it I

don't like being in front of crowds and

a bunch of people and I hate public

speaking but I just love the stuff that

I get to do while doing it you

know um but yeah I like kind of my

friends uh the the four hseen Shea

Jasmine and Marina that were like of

friends that I made I mean I knew Marina

back from Judo and I met cha and jasine

through MMA and like we really became

like really close in that group and you

know for me for how hard it was for me

to like socialize and make friends like

these were like my girls you know and

they all started getting into pro

wrestling and um I just started doing it

for fun and it was just so fun and like

it wasn't a competition it was everyone

working together to try and do something

great together and so it reminded me

more of like you know like filming

action movies and doing fight

choreography except for it was kind of

like in its purest form where you have

to tell the story like the movie you

have like the movie part and then

there's a fight and then the story and

like usually the fight is like separate

from that and I feel like pro wrestling

is like the the purest form of combat

storytelling because you can only tell

the story through the com that I was

just fascinated with that especially you

know want to be Bruce Lee and um and it

became that thing that like I started to

fixate on and wanted to be better and

better at it and just would um go into

training and lose track of time and

realized that I've been going for 5

hours kind of a thing and um and I love

that feeling of being lost in something

uh told my friend I was telling somebody

like passion is my passion I'd just love

to be passionate about things and you

know know I guess that flow state is fun

and I just love being in it and um so um

yeah then I started just training for

fun and then

um then uh ended up you know getting I

didn't really get an opportunity to go

to WWE I was kind of like hey guys I

want to do

this and then they were like okay um and

yeah then just kind of snowballed into

cuz at first I was like okay I want to

have a baby soon

and it'd be kind of cool to go and do

some pro wrestling for a couple months

before I go and have my baby and then it

just kind of like snowballed into this

whole beast and this whole like other

life that I didn't know that um I was

going to have but it was very much like

like a calling much more than a Pursuit

if that made sense you know once upon a

time if you had a business idea it was

exceptionally difficult to get going but

now in the age of Shopify it is

exceptionally easy as many of you will

know Shopify are a sponsor of this

podcast if you don't know Shopify it's

an exceptionally simple web platform for

anybody that's got an idea that wants to

transact on a global scale so things

like these conversation cards which we

sell we've sold using Shopify and it

only took us a couple of clicks to get

going so why did we choose Shopify for a

number of reasons but I think one of the

big ones which goes unappreciated is

their checkout system converts 36%

better compared to other platforms and

here's what I'm going to do to remove

the cost for you if you go to

shopify.com Bartlet you'll be able to

try Shopify for

$1 a month I've seen Shopify completely

change people's lives and for many of

you I think it could change

yours one of the things that surpris

surprised me and again it's because if

we only get to see this sort of 2D

representation of someone on a screen

whether they're you know through your

wrestling career or UFC career which is

kind of like it's kind of like all of

it's kind of like acting the press

conferences the bravado is in your book

you talk about how comments online and

com newspaper comments and stuff would

get to

you I mean you know starts off like

that but yeah um at first you know um

when everything was going great it was

like I would look at my comments like

the morning newspaper I'd wake up in the

morning and look at my comments I look

at my tag photos and it's so

unhealthy but um but after my first loss

I quit cold turkeying which I feel like

that was one thing that I needed to do

was to like not constantly need that um

outside validation and stuff like that

especially from the internet and social

media and stuff and I was kind of like

spiraling in a way and and kind of like

giving that way too much stock in my

like emotional you know State and stuff

stuff like that and um and then pro

wrestling you're literally in front of a

a crowd that is like the embodiment of a

comment section in front of

yourself um but um you know that's also

why I really uh enjoyed being a heel

which I you know wish they would have

let me be a heel more often because um

that's why I feel like I was happy

happiest when I wasn't trying to plate

to the crowd purposely try to you know

piss them off and get a rise out of them

and not trying to um constantly you know

um Pander I was surprised to hear about

the WWE that they kind of rewrite the

script last minute and that it's not I

don't you think of such a big business

you imagine they got script writers and

the scripts are written you would think

it wouldn't be an absolute cluster [ __ ]

[ __ ] show and you would be wrong

wow yeah yeah it and it's so needlessly

dangerous like no one can is like a lot

of times people can't rehearse things

have changed last minute a lot of times

you see them outside they're performing

they've only talked about it and they're

doing it for the first time so a lot of

these injuries happen because people

just weren't able to rehearse and the

company doesn't give a [ __ ] because

we're all Expendable to them did you

feel Expendable to the UFC to the WWE

yes yeah I think you all we all did and

they they made sure to make us feel that

way why they made sure to make you feel

that way yeah so that you wouldn't get

above your station or something or so

that you would just do whatever you're

told yeah just do whatever you're told

just take it and you're all contractors

at at the WWE as well so you're not

employees you have to pay for your own

health care and all these kinds of

things from what I read in your book yep

which is pretty crazy I mean that would

never be allowed in uh where I'm from in

the UK and it's sort of Vince McMahon's

Kingdom

yeah well I mean supposedly he's out now

because they you know caught him paying

py company funds so he can show on some

girls head in the office and you know do

a threesome with her Johnny laurenitis

but um his cronies are still there and

so when that stuff started coming out

and Vince was gone before he was still

basically just calling it in and running

the company and um but yeah like Bruce

Pritchard who's there now who's still

like the head of creative or whatever

title they gave him um is basically just

taking orders from Vince and still

running the company through him and so

when Vince was uh

uh resigned formally because of all

these like sexual allegations and stuff

that were coming out um he was still

running the company informally and I

think he still is to this day you don't

have a a whole lot of nice things to say

about these people I mean depends on who

the girls in locker room I absolutely

love them the people at the top running

yeah I mean Stephen Triple H I think

they're honest ly doing their best but I

mean I think that Vince McMahon just

created a fundamentally sick environment

and uh I think if if Ari is going to be

able is going to be able if Ari Emanuel

who bought it out from WME is going to

be able to actually make this

multi-billion dollar dysfunctional

organization into one that functions

he's got to clean out all of Vince's

cronies he's got to completely clean

house and uh remove Vince's influence

completely but um you know no one's

asking me

but that's just what I experienced when

Vince was gone he was still running the

show through um you know people that

he'd hired in the past Bruce Pritchard

being number one of them Bruce

pritchard's still there I believe yeah

John laurenitis took like he he was uh

he was cut loose because he got named

specifically in in the Scandal but uh

yeah Bruce pitchard is literally I'd

never heard him say a single one of his

own opinions he'd only said that Vince

says this Vince says that Vince says

this Vince says this Vince Vince Vince

Vince and so he's literally just like

you know I I called him Vince's Avatar

that's basically what he is you returned

to the UFC after you left in

2019 um you were there till from 2017 to

2019 and um in 2017 you is when you got

married with Travis I couldn't figure

out from the from the dates I didn't

think the date was in your book but at

some point during this journey you you

start trying to have children mhm um

something I'm trying now with my partner

on that process as well and you talk in

the book about a really heartbreaking

incident where you're filming a TV show

with 911 the TV show

911 um and there was a a fight scenes

and various stunts in that movie and a

day after that you suffered a

miscarriage yeah I um well I found out I

was pregnant right before the show

started filming and then I um my finger

got chopped off from a boat door falling

on it and

um but you know the we got we went and

checked out and there's you know the

baby seemed just fine uh but then I

miscarried a couple weeks later so I

kind of always felt like that was my

fault that I wanted to keep doing

dangerous stuff while I was pregnant

because I thought it made me cool and

then

um and then I was just like depressed

and like drinking and smoking not taking

care of myself and then got pregnant

right away again and then we never even

saw a heartbeat that time but I wasn't

expecting anything more cuz I just

wasn't taken care of myself so you had

two miscarriages two miscarriages yeah

and then I went through IVF four Cycles

to IVF to be able to get eight embryos

CU we wanted to have like three or four

kids and the first one that we used um

actually worked that that's you know