I took 16 000 therapists there's only

three things wrong with every person

that turns up at your door first of all

Marissa up here the worldwide renowned

therapist was royalty International

CEOs and Olympic athletes this woman

definitely knows a thing or two thousand

about how we take control of our

thoughts eighty percent of your success

is down to your beliefs but it also it

damages so many people because if you're

thinking I'm not good enough smart

enough attractive enough your mind's job

is to make your thoughts real even if

it's not true a classic example of sex

so many of my clients couldn't conceive

because their husband didn't have enough

sperm but when men have sex with a

stranger they triple their sperm count

and really damages so many people

because it's an impossible expectation

to live up to so many people have

affairs not because they don't love

their partner because they're missing

out but it's all about what you have

chosen to believe so you've got to

reverse that language and the other

thing that people do a lot it really

messes up your sex life to call your

partner mommy or daddy because

Marissa how do I avoid sugar it seems to

grab me food has memories not the

chocolate it's the feeling you felt when

you couldn't have it and you can give

yourself the feeling without the thing

anyway it's really easy too how should I

hypnotize you so we can change it let's

do it now okay close your eyes

and here's the magic sentence that

changes your life

I got hypnotized in this episode Marissa

hypnotizes me to completely end my sugar

cravings and you're gonna see it happen

and you're gonna find out if it works so

stick around

[Music]

Marissa

I've been trying to figure something out

I've been trying to figure out if we get

to choose our beliefs

and I actually wrote about this in my

book recently and I I feel like you're

the person to ask this question because

I know that our lives are governed by

these beliefs that we have about the

world ourselves and everything in

between but can we choose them I think

so you know when I was here last time

you asked me about my childhood which I

don't talk about a lot it wasn't awful

but it also wasn't amazing but the

beliefs I had then

so totally different to the beliefs I

have now because I chose to give myself

better beliefs because you know you make

your beliefs and then you'll believe

turn right around and make you and then

confirmation bias means you look for

proof of what you have chosen to believe

and you'll find it so if you say oh I

hate cats they're vicious things that

scratch you they're really Aloo for I

don't like dogs they're Barker yappy

horrible things then if you believe that

about a dog and you meet a dog you'll

feel so anxious that that will become

true but if you say oh I love dogs

they're the most loyal gorgeous loving

things then you'll have a different

energy around them

so you should choose your beliefs you

should constantly upgrade update

question nobody where did I get that

from is that true who told me that

belief and even if it's true for them

does it have to be true for me you know

I see a lot of women who say things like

well you know if you're really famous

and Rich you'll never find a guy because

a hundred years ago that was probably

true men didn't go for Rich successful

women because they wanted them at home

but it's not true now so your

grandmother's belief is not your belief

I love my daughter's generation who

don't do body shaming or fat shaming and

have a whole different language which I

think is so refreshing

so you can always choose your beliefs

and you really should constantly check

why do I even believe that is it even

true because so often it's not true at

all it's just something you've been

taught or you've just gone along with it

anyway so in the case of cats then you

know I like all animals but cats I do

think you know the way you describe them

they're a little bit scratchy yeah

sometimes a little bit you know Annoying

not as loving as dogs maybe I'm gonna

annoy a lot of cat people here

um

if that is my belief

if I say to myself okay no cat's a

wonderful they're lovely you know

they're fantastic they don't scratch Etc

I feel like I'm just lying to myself and

I you know this is the case with

self-belief as well I could I could say

that yeah I'm amazing and attractive and

all these things but

in my subconscious mind

after getting I don't know bullied at

seven years old by a kid that called me

fat and whatever else

am I just not lying to myself well I

think you should lie to yourself I think

you should lie to yourself I think you

should lie cheat and steal every day of

your life lie to your mind cheat fear

and steal back the confidence you were

born with so it's imagine you're going

for an exam you go I'm gonna fail it I'm

gonna mess it up I've got a terrible

memory I know when I read that paper my

mind's gonna go blank and I'm going to

blow it

so that's a belief but you could also

say I've got a great memory everything I

studied for this exam is in my head when

I read the paper

the questions are going to come up and

I'm going to remember the answers and

I'm super chilled at exams I'm cool calm

collected I'm going to ace this exam so

if you repeat that over and over again

you see the subconscious doesn't think

it just feels and if you say I'm nervous

I'm so nervous and you the subconscious

feels that then when you're nervous the

Mind shuts down all the blood rushes to

your heart and your mind empties it's

like if you're crossing a road in a

and I don't think should I go left right

forwards back would you just move

because in fear you don't think you move

so when you're scared your mind empties

I remember years ago I was coming home

and this guy was following me and I knew

he was following I knew I had minutes to

get in my door and I couldn't get the

key and I couldn't remember which I did

I'm like oh my God I have all the times

to forget how this key works I lived it

for five years but I was so scared I

couldn't remember how to open my door at

all because when you're scared your

brain empties

so if you go into an exam going I'm

scared I'm nervous You Won't Do Well if

you say

I got a great memory I love exams I'm

excited about this exam I'm so excited

I'm going to be assessed I'm going to do

really well or I'm going to this

assessment I'm going to ace it this

person is going to love me and see that

I'm so smart and my answers will show

them that I know I'm talking about the

mind doesn't go oh come on that silly

the Mind goes okay

whatever you say

you make it real your mind's job is to

make your thoughts real the subconscious

doesn't think it only feels and if your

mind's job is to make your thoughts real

in your job is to think better thoughts

all the time so imagine you're going to

have a needle stuck in your arm

you go oh that's going to hurt and

that's going to be so pain but you could

I always read my phone and if you cough

just as a needle goes in it confuses

your mind and you don't feel it is that

lying or is it just taking your mind

somewhere else

that's the because I I think if I can

choose my beliefs then I can unchoose

beliefs but I couldn't do it again a

single belief I have now that I could

genuinely unchoose I can see it yes but

I think I'd still believe it yeah but

the thing with the mind is there's a

couple of rules of the Mind One is let

me give you a couple that will help you

every thought you think is a blueprint

that your mind and body work to make

real every thought you think has a

physical reaction and indeed an

emotional response and here's another

one the Mind learns by repetition so

when you think a thought a lot over and

over again it becomes real if even if

it's not real so if you think a thought

my neighbor's driving me crazy they're

so noisy I can never sleep I can hear

their television they're getting on my

nerves

it'll become your reality if you say

it's a little bit irritating but I can

put my headphones on I can tune out then

you'll have a different reaction to the

same event you know we don't have to

change events we have to change how we

think about the events it's like saying

oh this commute to work is killing me

you know this this being on this freeway

is driving me crazy but someone else

will go wow I'd love to be on you've got

a car and you're going to a job and

you're getting paid that's my fantasy

dream come true

don't have to change a thing you have to

change how you think about the thing so

that is changing your beliefs and the

belief is really just the thought you

think a lot so you're born as a blank

slate where did you get those thoughts

from who gave them to you so the beliefs

you think you can't change

where do they come from let's do they

know where do the beliefs you think you

can't change come from

so I think one of the recurring beliefs

I've had about myself yes which I think

goes back a long as long as I can

remember to be honest is that I am

fundamentally unorganized unorganized

okay we'll be surprised to hear that

because I'm very I'd say productive my

output is high but the organization of

my stuff even if you looked in my bag it

would be like a jumble sale my house as

well if I didn't have a cleaner I think

it would be you know it'll be like a

bomb had gone off in there I heard you

saying actually on a podcast that when

you go your hotel room is very messy and

it upsets you but not enough to make you

change it you've been listening

no you're right I think there's there's

a habit or something that I've built

into myself where I think I've told

myself it's faster to be messy yeah and

but then the the dissonance or the the

issue that I take with it is that's not

who I want to be I want to be a messy

person I want to be someone who comes

into the hotel room goes into their

suitcase and hangs everything up so that

tomorrow is easier what happens is I

dive into the suitcase pull my gym

equipment out and run to the gym and

it's something I want to change because

it's almost like this concession in my

life where I've gone well that's just

who I am I'm just a messy person and I

think we'll label ourselves and of

course when you do that now you're

making it really say no I can't spell

but my dad couldn't spell and now it's

genetic so every time you say I'm just a

messy person the strongest force in you

and everyone in the world is you must

act in a way that utterly matches up

with how you have chosen to Define you

so if you start by changing that and

saying I love being organized it gives

me such joy to be all I love putting So

when you say it say it say it

it will start to change so if the last

three weeks have been staying in a place

with an amazing gym and I started to a

love working out with really really

heavy weights because you know I got run

over and I started to get muscle

weightage in my leg I was going I love

heavy heavy weights I love it and I was

really a Pilates yoga person but for the

last three weeks I get up and I'm in the

gym at half seven and go I love heavy

weights and I I didn't like it before

but I just I decided to say it over and

over again because when you say State

and affirm something your mind must make

it real so all you have to do really is

to start saying a lot I love being

organized it gives me immense joy to put

stuff away I love it when everything's

in its place and I'm in a hotel and sure

I run when I come back I put my gym kit

in a particular place

and I love that feeling of being super

organized and very quickly it will start

to change because you're thinking a

thought that your mind has no choice but

to make real

but it's also true you know you think a

thought but and you your mind can't help

it it has to make you know we do that we

did that thing with a lemon didn't we

where you think you're eating a lemon we

ever done that what's that what's that

well let's do it now so put your hand in

front of your mouth yeah

imagine you're holding half of a great

big fat juicy lemon close your eyes and

just put that lemon right up to your

nose

and breathe in that amazing lemon smell

because nothing really smells quite like

a lemon

now squeeze that lemon so hard so that

lemon drops pucker onto the surface

stick out your tongue

lick off the lemon

open your mouth really wide and shove

that entire lemon into your mouth and I

want you to start sucking and biting and

chewing all the flesh literally just

bite into that lemon until the lemon

drops burst onto your tongue and your

taste buds pucker and swell as you start

to chew that lemon suck that lemon swirl

that lemon all around your mouth keep

eating the lemon suck it chew it swirl

it around

and then open your eyes

did you start pumping out saliva yes I

did and so here's a question was there a

lemon no there was no lemon that's true

there was no lemon you could also say

yes which is also true they're both true

no there wasn't but yes there actually

was where was it where was the lemon

that was making you make saliva in my

head in your head yeah it wasn't

anywhere else it was in your head just

do another one put your own right arm

out towards me and just swing your arm

behind you as far as it will go and have

a look at where it's going just look

behind you to notice where it is bring

it back I think you went up to like the

third book on that bookshelf I want you

to imagine close your eyes and tell your

mind my arm's gonna go a third further

I'm now like a bendy Barbie and Ken doll

my arm is so flexible it's going first I

want you to imagine all the muscles in

your right arm becoming super flexible

like cooked pasta

open your eyes

put your arm out and say to your arm

you're going a third further now you're

like a pretzel you're super flexible go

a third further swing your arm back and

just watch as it goes a third further

now look at how far it's gone

um you are only up to the third book

before so what happened then

um I

just believed my arm was going to go

further and it did yeah and you see and

for men I get men who say you know I I

can't please my wife I can't get an

erection I can't keep it going and and

she's going to leave me and if I tell

them other things you know you're a

great lover you can maintain an erection

for 20 minutes or 10 minutes or the

average is about four and a half minutes

that starts to happen they don't do

anything else they said listen to

recording that says you have longer

erections you can have a great sex life

you can wait until your partner orgasms

and it all becomes true because every

time they say but I can't do it it's all

over in a minute I can't please her or

him

they actually make that real but when

you just change a thought you know

there's a song called Love Changes

Everything by climbie Fisher but

actually thoughts change everything

when you think of thought it's such a

game changer

erections yes

it's so interesting because in my

friendship group with my male friends

we've spoken about

sex life libido

erections a lot yeah

um we've all struggled in different ways

at different times with this and it it's

one of the areas in life where it's so

clear to me that thoughts are the

problem and the solution yeah because

again if a man thinks about sex looks at

pictures looks at a movie and gets

aroused you get a very physical reaction

straight away even if there's no one in

the room with you so that's a classic

example of thinking a thought about

being aroused turned on feeling sexually

attracted and your body makes it real

even there's no one there and it can be

at a wedding coming event it can be

highly embarrassing for Guyton to get an

erection in the wrong place but if you

think a thought

I'm turned on here the body means it

does it for women too but it's not so

obvious for us we can kind of hide it

but yes it's a thought I can't do it I

can I'm gonna fail I'm going to succeed

do you work with people often that have

sexual dysfunction all the time is it

becoming more popular or more prevalent

in your view

I think people are more able to talk

about a lot of women countries I can't

orgasm I'm I can't orgasm at all I don't

know what to do all my friends having

massive orgasms but me the more I try

the harder it is

I don't think that's true apparently our

grandmother's had more sex than us but I

think now we have all this pressure we

watch porn we watch other people talking

about their amazing sex we think oh I'm

not like that but it's very easy to make

your body super orgasmic but I think

before we didn't talk about that my

grandmother would have never talked

about

orgasms or having a design a vagina or a

Brazilian even know what that was so

we're in a different generation now

where

you know every year there's another way

to hate your body even your genitals

have got to be perfect now and I think

it's so much pressure for people I've

got to look like a porn star have sex

like a porn star and porn really damages

so many people because it's such an

impossible expectation to live up to

seems that pressure as it relates to sex

it's the enemy yeah of course especially

for I can only speak from a guy's

perspective because that's what I've

ever been but if there's ever pressure

in the bedroom there is zero chance on

getting an erection of course because

comparison is a thief of joy

and we're so busy comparing ourselves to

porn stars and someone who looks like

the Kardashians who has a perfect body

and everything's perfect it's not really

like that have you ever worked with men

that have um sexual dysfunction issues

yeah a lot of them with premature

ejaculation erectile dysfunction all of

it I've got a friend who I would say if

it was me okay because I feel like I I

like to be honest everyone's got a

friend it sounds like I'm talking about

something like talking about myself but

there's a couple of things I'll talk

about from my own perspective in the

sexual department but

um my friend was in a relationship he

was in the relationship for a couple of

years and then halfway through the

relationship

he could no longer keep an erection and

he was talking to me a lot about it and

then he ended up ending the relationship

because he had convinced himself it was

impossible to change that and in fact I

know a lot of guys that struggle with

this and there was a point where I was

one of them where I just seemed to get

this thought in my head

about sex

and I struggled to

to keep an erection but also just to

keep myself hmm

to want sex yeah

there's gonna be people listening to

this right now that are in that

situation where something has just

changed every time they go to bed it's

just this high pressure situation yeah

um they they can't get an erection

therefore they're avoidant of having sex

what do you say to those people

you know it's really interesting because

we we want intimacy we think I want to

fall in love with someone that finishes

my sentences that knows when I'm hungry

that knows I'm having a bad day that

just knows me inside out and loves my

very soul

which is wonderful but what great sex

requires this mystery what eroticism

requires it's not intimacy at all so in

the beginning even for the first it's

all new you don't know what they're

going to do how they're going to do it

it's all very exciting it's all new and

so for men especially you know it's

great maybe for the first two years and

then it's like oh like one of my clients

said every time my husband comes to bed

with just his pajama top on and they

want sex but it's so unromantic I mean

he just doesn't bother to put the pajama

bottoms on it's like oh God is that his

idea of foreplay I mean how many people

say you know it's always every Saturday

morning before we go and do the food job

and it's so predictable

many people have affairs not because

they don't love their partner but

because they're missing out so you have

intimacy which is like the love being in

love and knowing each other and loving

each other and you know not caring if

your wife's got her period or your

husband's got a bit of bad breath or

their tired or they've got a cold you

just love them anyway but then you have

eroticism which is amazing sex great sex

neuroticism really likes mystery

suspense bit of edginess bit of

naughtiness bit of the unknown and they

don't go together they really don't go

together at all but there is one thing

that makes them go to and that's called

fantasy there's a bridge that links

eroticism

to intimacy into eroticism and it's

called fantasy well I think oh isn't

that being unfaithful to my partner sure

I shouldn't fantasize but

actually Fifty Shades of Gray which was

not a great book at all but it taught

people a lot about oh I can fantasize I

can read this book and I can pretend I'm

Anastasia with Mr Gray

and it that perfected so well because it

allowed people to fantasize and so if

you have a relationship of 30 years I

mean I'm great friends with John and

Missy but to be married for 35 years

there are a couple that created a life

book they live in Hawaii but they talk a

lot about how they have a very erotic

sex life after 35 years it's like red

hot but they understand it's all about

but a mystery bit of drama bit of

suspense I'm very lucky that my husband

I travel all over the world so we never

have all Saturday night Saturday

mornings have sex then go to Sainsbury's

that's just not in our agenda so we

always have a bit of newness going on

but for men even if you love your

partner so much when it becomes

predictable

it's like

the throw goes you know that song about

where's the throgon I've lost the thrill

the thrill isn't there so you have to

put a bit of work back into making your

sex life thrilling and moving it away

and so it's it's hard when you love

someone but you know everything about

them and they about you and it's like

well there's no newness here obviously

you know I go on holiday we have great

sex why is that well you're not thinking

about the laundry or anything else you

can just really let go and you're in a

different place and you can be someone

else

like you often hear about people going

on holiday like girls do Ibiza and going

wild and then they would never be like

that at home because it gives you a

chance to be someone else

so sometimes

in your sex life you have to take that

chance and use drama mystery suspense

edginess just like I was telling one of

my clients I went home I went home and

said to my husband dominate me so what

shall I do she went well dominate me

said yeah but watch as well that's the

point don't ask me what how can you

dominate me if I have to tell you what

to do I want to feel overpowered by your

maleness when you say well what shall I

do you're more like a girl and a boy and

I don't like that because of course

Opposites Attract especially in sex even

if we're a same-sex relationships

Opposites attract

and that's very exciting we're building

together a long time they try to make

their partner like them

and they forget that Opposites Attract

so if you keep trying to make your

partner like you

and they can try to make you like them

then you haven't got the Opposites

attracting anymore and then it kind of

disappears and the other thing that

people do a lot I mean My grandmother

used to call her husband dad or daddy

and that was a bit weird but that was

maybe her it wasn't a sexual thing she

said come on dad get out of the way and

what do you want for tea dad and they

they had no sex at all she thought there

was the most disgusting thing in the

world but the minute

your partner becomes mummy or daddy and

many women and the best of attention say

things like have you taken your vitamins

today

you know where a code's going to get

cold did you pay the bill I knew you

wouldn't do that you're becoming either

critical mommy or loving mummy

and then we have the opposite some men

are very controlling so you can't have

that you're not going to have that they

become controlling Daddy and the minute

your partner is in any way mummy or

daddy you can't have sex with them

because who wants to have sex with their

parents that's really weird and many

people don't realize how as they say in

a long relationship they take on the

role of critical parent blaming parent

judging parents

and then you have no desire left so

you've got to be very careful not to let

that happen and especially when you have

children and then you say mommy can you

get Andy a um

tissue Daddy can you get Susie her gym

bag and even though you don't mean it

you're now saying mommy daddy people do

that with their pets even Daddy get um

take Toby for a walk or mummy take and

it's like it really messes up your sex

life to call your partner mommy or daddy

so interesting it is isn't it even when

you were saying then about the lady that

came home and said to her partner

dominate me and he went how no he said

what shall I do yeah which is like it's

it's the antithesis of domination but it

kind of speaks to

10 years of him just trying to please

her you know yeah but also there is bad

Community she should have said hey you

know what you do you do the sandwich you

go hey you know we've been together for

seven or eight years and we're great but

you know I've got this thing I would

love you to dominate me like this I'd

love you to pretend to be the postman or

the gardener or I'd love you to pretend

to be someone it would really excite me

if you could do that because then it

would just be exciting and then they go

oh okay I get it I've got to pretend to

be the postman or the gardener or

and I was a lot of women who couldn't

conceive and this is where I learned

this from so many of my clients couldn't

conceive because their husband didn't

have enough sperm but when men have sex

with a stranger they triple their sperm

outtake and when women have sex with a

stranger their cervix to suck up the

sperm so when I realized it's a great

book called sperm Wars it tells you all

look I thought okay so I wrote them like

I said okay this is what you've got to

do you've got to go home

pretend you're I don't know when I asked

you would ask and your husband but you

mustn't speak because that's going to

ruin it and then have sex but make have

some kind of go to a hotel of course the

men love it has to talk no no talking

just act out this fantasy because he

will triple his sperm outtake your

cervix will tilt and it's like it's like

IUI it's like um you have more sperm and

so many might have said well I got

pregnant you know I've tried all this

over going up the road to the whole day

and pretended he was like the plumber or

anything at all

and that word we got pregnant like that

because he made so much more sperm and

so isn't that interesting that wasn't

about fantasy it was about how can you

get more sperm how can you become more

fertile what can you do and these were

just silly little things that help men

and women who were trying really hard

over had a low sperm count get pregnant

why does that happen why does the sperm

count triple in the cervix tilt well

let's imagine you know that we're in a

tribe and there's some people there

and nature the human species must go on

so for men when they impregnate the same

person over and over again they've made

her fragment many times but a new person

if you get a new person pregnant

straight away that's how the human race

continues you know one of my friends was

telling me this story about in New

Zealand with the Rams and he said you

know you would buy the male Rams and

you'd drive them to the field and they

could smell the film as they started

ramming the door that's why they called

Rams and when you finally get there you

open the gate and they charge out they

have sex with every female when they

come back they've lost half their body

weight in a really bad way but they have

to have sex with every single female

and every you

so it's just an evolution rate of making

sure the species goes on so what does

that say about monogamy

but this is not nature doesn't care but

nature cares about this species

continuing nature doesn't care about

monogamy that its role is to make sure

we continue but yes of course we want to

be monogamous so what do you do we use

that very thing if if being with someone

new excites me and gets me going why

can't I pretend my partner's someone new

and of course you can you can do all

kinds of great things you can introduce

newness don't always have sex in the

same place at the same time it's a

little tiny bit of effort but do

something to make it new and exciting so

you would recommend spending time apart

as well yes I mean I've been with my

husband for

15 years we've only spent 11 days apart

and we work together so you know that

thing about living over the shop so we

work together we're together all the

time but we have a great sex life

because we both understand what makes it

tick which isn't necessarily being a

part but yeah being a part's great too

because you can't wait to come back to

that person a lot of people will listen

to all of this and think God I'd love

I'd love to do that I want him to turn

me into a maid and tie me up and

surprise me or whatever but

if I even mention this to him he would

look at me like I've got you know a tail

or look at me like I was weird well part

of having a great relationship is doing

for the other so I if I said to my

husband I'm not hungry so we're not

eating I'm not tired so we're not going

to bed I'm not cold so the heating's not

coming on he'd look at me like I was mad

because part of that is I'm not really

hungry but you want to go out for dinner

we'll go I don't really want to go to

this event or I don't want to watch go

to a football match but it's important

to you so I will go because in a

relationship if you do for each as if

your partner says

I would love you to put a little Maids

out and run around with the dust it

would be so amazing I don't want to do

that isn't that drug do you think well

maybe I could just try it once if I

don't like it and never have to do it

again maybe it would be red hot it's not

about being objectified

so if you love someone

and assuming their fantasy isn't

dangerous or painful or super weird why

not just see if you can do it and then

then you can say hey if I do that you

can do this because it's trading all the

time and there's nothing wrong with that

that's the same thing my house if I'm

tired my husband will say I'm going to

make you something to eat or I'm going

to drive it I'm going to do that for you

because he loves me and I'm the same

with him but people think oh I shouldn't

why should I have sex I'm tired why

should I do that and the worst thing I

don't want sex anymore so you can never

have sex again either which is very

weird because why would you condemn your

partner to no sex ever just because you

don't want to have sex and imagine if

it's the other way around because isn't

a relationship doing for each other even

if it's not really your thing

I think this is fascinating I looked at

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to ask on this because I'm just thinking

about all the conversations I've had

with my friends recently about sex and

their relationships and I've got another

friend who is in in a relationship it's

become a sexless relationship he's

staying with her I think because

because she's really nice but why has it

become sexless

um

that's a good question that I wouldn't

know and without asking him but I'll

tell you what he's he's told me he's

told me how much he wants to have sex

with other people

and he actually described it as like a

Temptation that he just he is like as if

he's possessed he says every five

minutes someone will walk past and I

think about having sex with them like

he's absolutely obsessed with it but not

with her not with her

um she wants to settle down because

she's at an agent's phase of life where

she feels that she kind of needs to

hurry up that's what these are just

words that I'm repeating that he's just

told me and so he feels a bit stuck

where he's got this partner who wants to

settle down he clearly doesn't want to

settle down and he's thinking about

having sex with everyone else and he's

not having sex with her and that's how

he's escaping he probably doesn't want

to settle down have children but feels

he should sounds like he wants to be

become a successful and now he's

thinking about having sex that's his way

out you know oh he can't say to her look

you know I love you but I'm not ready

for that that five years down the line

for me so his mind is doing it he thinks

he wants to have sex with everyone but

her and his mind because of his time

thing because his mind is saying you're

not ready you're not ready you know

often we have dreams that say oh I'm not

ready or wow I thought I wanted to do

this but my dream said oh no you don't

want to do that at all but the desire

he's with other people is his body

saying you are not ready to be with her

you'll be with anyone else but her and

you should really just tell her the

truth and say look

I'm not at that stage you're at I'm I'm

just not ready for that yet because you

see when the you can't open your mouth

and say I'm not ready or I'm not

comfortable I'm not happy the body goes

I'll do it I'll do it for you and I see

that with all my clients not just

sexually when you can't say

one of my clients told me years ago that

he got fired from his job and he

couldn't tell his wife that every day

picked up his briefcase and went and sat

in the park and then he got really sick

and then she said you're so sick you

can't go you'll have to resign he went

okay

and he never had to tell her that he'd

lost his job because the body made him

so ill he would have lost his job anyway

so you know I love this expression the

feeling that cannot find his expression

in tears will make other organs weep and

so he's got a feeling that he can't

express and when you can't open your

mouth and go

I don't want to do that the body said I

do it for you and it finds really

peculiar obscure often really unhelpful

ways of doing it for us

how does he know though that

it's a case of him not being ready or

even in my case when I was 24 25 years

old I just self-sabotage any sign of

commitment so let's talk about that so

let's go back to your 24 years old oh

for my entire I mean it starts at 14. so

it's a 40. yeah 14. you're 24 and you

fancy people and you're a very good

looking guy and you've obviously had

some relationships tell me about the

self-sabotage

it started with Jasmine

Jasmine was with a guy called I probably

shouldn't name him but I'll call him

John

Jasmine and John Jasmine and children

they were in a relationship I really

fancy Jasmine she's gonna hear this but

she knows already fancied her for about

three years pursued her doggedly from

like 14 till 17.

really 18 and there was a day where like

Jasmine gave me a chance finally she was

in a relationship with this guy called

John

um and on that day

I got terrified and I

kind of remember persuading her out of

it even though I'd pursued her for years

and then as I look through my early sort

of twenties the same sort of recurring

Behavior pattern showed up where I would

any sign of commitment I would come up

with a reason why I couldn't commit sure

I'm busy I need to become a millionaire

this will get in the way of my work so

what you were doing was the oldest trick

in the book you pursued Jazz when she

wasn't available she was with someone

else when she became available you

thought oh no because now she could

reject you now she could say when she

was with someone else it was a dream I'd

love to get that girl wouldn't you have

the chance it's like oh

she could find out I'm not worthy she

could find I'm not good enough sorry I

can give you context as to how it felt

the idea of commitment felt like prison

of course yeah you've said that before

and so of course if your end goal is

commitment is prison

being stuck with one person is prison

your mind says I've got to get you out

of this so it's all fine to have flings

but the minute commitment comes up you

back out because that's going to jail

you don't want to do that so that's

really normal when you say things like

oh I'm going to be tied down I'm nailed

down oh that's it now no more fun and

people say things like you two are one

now and

may all your promise be little ones and

and sometimes we don't like that it's

like oh I don't like that idea and all

the vows about to love honor and obey to

forsake all others we think do I really

want that but you were adamant that you

didn't want that that a relationship was

prison so when you tell your mind I

don't want it

the Mind must get you out of if you say

oh god I've got to give that speech I

don't want to do it I want to do it I

want to do it don't be surprised on The

Daily speech you wake up with chronic

diarrhea a terrible cold and migraine in

your mind because she said you didn't

want to go

and I'm so cool I got you out of it

because the mind listens every thought

you think it listens to it's like a

genie your wish is it come answer your

wishes I don't want to be in prison of

commitment I'm happy to date but when it

gets a little bit serious the Mind goes

let me get you out of this

and we don't do it in logical ways you

know self-sabotage procrastination and

nothing more than the fear of either not

being enough or not wanting to go where

you think you're going you know there

are people who apply for a job get it

and they never turn off on the first day

or think God I work that and I don't

want to I thought I wanted this I don't

want it I thought I wanted that person I

actually don't want them

and so for you the thought that a

relationship is prison

so powerful that it would make every

relationship unravel including Jasmine

so now let's go back to your friend

yeah so how does he know that

it's not just some like I don't know

unresolved traumatic issue that's

stopping him and being avoidant of

committing to that individual or if that

individual is not right and I think it's

the the case with like jobs and

relationships and everything in our life

how do we know that it's not just some

trauma response that we're having or if

the thing we're avoiding or rejecting is

actually not right for us

when you think okay my life without this

person would it be better or worse so

rather if I have an argument with my

husband we don't argue a lot but I

always imagine my life without him and

it's so much worse in my life with him

occasionally annoys me he's got some he

can put get a tea bag and have it

everything is a kitchen in like three

minutes flowers say wow how do you do

that I just don't understand how you can

do that

but you have to pick your battles in a

relationship and when he really annoys

me I just think okay imagine if he

wasn't here and that I thought oh no I

wouldn't like that maybe not here for a

couple of hours but forever so you know

because of how you feel but you see

you know we're all taught this you know

you found your other half but you're not

a half you're a whole you can't find

another half to complete you because

you're not half a person but a lot of us

are taught you know you're going to find

the handsome prince it's going to live

happily ever after well that that isn't

true there's never one person ever that

could complete you or meet or your needs

and so you have to be a realistic in a

relationship you have to put your needs

into three parts okay I've got a need

my husband must always tell me where he

is he must call me he must tell me when

he's if it's two in the morning I don't

know where he is I don't like that he

must be honest honesty is a

non-negotiable need for me

so that's a need that has to be met need

for tidiness

is that really important I can do it

myself

you know by the time I have an argument

with him about the Tea Bag I've already

put it in the bin and put a bit of

bleach on the kitchen counter and it's

all done so the second lot of needs you

might have to meet those needs the need

to have a tidy kitchen the need to have

I don't know organic groceries delivered

maybe you can do it as soon as you've

got to pick your battles and the third

set of needs you just got to give those

up some needs are just not important

enough to fight about now my daughter is

an artist

and artists are very messy and if you go

look at the mess and go what mess I

can't even see it so with my daughter

the need to her to have a tidy bedroom I

learned to shut the door don't even go

in there if I go and they go well she's

happy do I need to have a happy daughter

or a tidy daughter's bedroom a happy

daughter was actually more important so

some needs you must have your partner

meet some you've got him even some just

give them away it's really not not worth

arguing about

you reminded me when you talked there

about

thinking about meeting Prince Charming

and Perfection I went into a Bookshop

the other day

um as I sometimes do just for

inspiration you know and I bumped into a

lady who recognized me

um actually took a photo of her because

the conversation really stayed with me

it's not it's not often that I take a

photo from with someone else I say

please can I have a fight with you just

so I remember this conversation and what

she said to me in that conversation was

reminiscent of many other conversations

I've had she was a a woman she's just

over the age of 30. I think she was 32

31.

and she was actually in that book shop

looking for a book that would help her

solve her romantic and relationship

issues she said to me which is a message

I've had before from close friends of

mine I'm over 30 now I'm looking for a

guy I've never been in a relationship

I've been working very very very hard

and she says she's excelling in her

career people have told me to that I

just need to go to the gym and work out

and I've tried that

um and I still can't find this person

and the other sentence I remember she

said I don't want to settle and I've got

people close to me in my life many

people that have are in almost identical

situation so much so that I sent that

photo with her to those people and said

I've just met you in a Bookshop and it

helped me to actually understand them

better because to know that there's many

many people that are in that situation

then they've got this kind of societal

clock yeah that's saying you better do

it quickly yeah

what would you have said to her to help

her so I just said first of all what are

you doing people said I'm looking for

love okay that's great where are you

looking where are you going they go well

I go to yoga any men there not really oh

you reminded me of something she said

she said I've tried dating apps those

don't work people tell me to meet people

in public but how'd you do that yeah so

people tell me they're looking for love

all the time I'm looking for love where

are you looking describe your weekend I

went to yoga anyone in a yoga class not

really and then I went to my friend's

house and then I went to a book reading

for any man there not really and then I

went out with all my girlfriends we all

looked the same we all went to the same

bar a lot of competition so actually

you're not looking for love at all

because you're going to places where men

aren't

and then men say I'm looking for love

where are you going I mean the weight

were many women there they're all in the

yoga class so if you really want to find

love you've got to be proactive first of

all sit down and think what kind of

person do you want I mean what qualities

do they have what are you looking for

you know normally say I'm I'm looking to

buy a house but I've never I've never go

to an estate agent and look at the

brochures I just think the house will

turn up I'm looking for a job I'm

actually going to yoga I'm going to I'm

not going for any interviews we'd say

well you're not really looking for a job

are you when I look for a house I've got

brochures coming in I'm going to look at

I'm going to look at houses till I find

the right one so if you want love sit

down and think about what you want make

a list don't return to six pack and

gorgeous or ten I think of the qualities

what is this person like and then

decide what is that person looking for

you might have to up your game a bit and

then think about where is this person

they're not in yoga but they're

somewhere and once you've decided that

you're worth love that's the the most

important bit and you can put yourself

around people you'll find love easily

but we're so busy trying to

change ourselves so you have to take

some time because the only thing you

need to do to find love is first of all

every day so I'm worthy of love I am

worthy of being loved I deserve to be

deeply loved and I am worth it and if

you think oh when I say that I feel

really stupid then say it more until you

don't feel stupid to think no actually

it's sinking in now so I'm putting

lotion on my skin it is going in it is

having an impact so say it state it

affirm it a lot I deserve love I'm

worthy of Love who couldn't love me I'm

deserving of love and then

when you've got that part right and you

know that if you don't think

I hope when I go on a date I'm good

enough for them well what about thinking

are they good enough for you so you've

got to

reframe that don't keep saying I got to

make myself I've got to chase love

pursue love get in shape to find love be

perfect to find love you've got to find

love just by being you so work on

knowing you're worth it that's some 80

of your success will come down to having

an unworth IT mindset think of the

person who think of where they are and

then get out of the yoga and go to the

weight room if you're a girl if you're a

guy get out of the weight and go to the

yoga put yourself around the people you

want to be with and you'll end up with

them she did say a line to me which I

just remembered which is I've started to

think that there's something wrong with

me yeah and it's there is a clear

pattern in the people who are in that

situation that I know that have started

to engage in vocal negative self yeah

and self-disparagement and apps of

course there's so much like going to a

Chinese restaurant with a menu that's 20

people think oh I don't even know what

to have now there's so much variety I've

I've now I've got to page 20 I forgotten

what was on page one if you go to a

restaurant with a little man you think

okay I'm gonna have that so apps with

masses of variety lots of people I mean

they show you a good thing how many

people are looking for love just like

you so you're not weird or a freak

apps are good to show you wow all these

people good looking people are looking

for love

but maybe come away from the apps and

and start to talk to people you know

talk to people

thinking as you're talking about dating

apps I've never been a prolific dating

app person because I've been busy but

also I'd never had success on them until

people knew who I was sort of in a

public capacity and then you can't I

can't use them anyway so but going back

10 years I do remember using dating apps

swiping through and you'd see like

really beautiful people and like oh I

want that one you'd swipe right on them

and then the ones that would swipe left

and you were just you know they were

just not the ones you were looking for

yeah and because you understand the

value of anything by the context in

which you see it by seeing

50 Beautiful People yeah but then

getting the ones that are less than even

if there was less than people it's not

not not waste not a nice way to describe

them the ones you didn't deserve yeah

um

are perfectly okay because you've seen

them in a context where you've seen

supermodels yeah you're never going to

Value them yeah of course and also you

know I was thinking about

people that are going on those dates

that are searching for Mr Right or Mrs

Right

are we less valuable when when we're in

search of something yeah definitely

that's the problem right well it's it's

one thing is to say Hey you know I'm

I've got a great life and I've decided

you know I'm ready to be with someone

amazing I want to share my life with

someone who wants to share that I'm

quite I'm okay if I don't find them

I got a great life but I'm I'm kind of

open to finding the right person now is

rather different to needy I need someone

to complete me I don't want to be on my

own I hate being alone I I need to find

my mate my partner so you almost need to

be at a level where you you're happy and

you've got a great life but you want to

share it rather than I'm incomplete

without that person there's something

wrong with me people just say to me why

are you not married I'd say I don't know

just lucky I guess because I hated the

option of what's wrong with this I

always have that pattern I don't know I

guess I'm just very lucky from the age

of 20 to 25 yes everyone I pursued

romantically once I'd even got past the

commitment issues

didn't want me

and I always reflect on it and go

when I really wanted someone there must

have been something I was doing yeah

they knew that you would jump them they

they knew that you had a commitment fear

that sort of probably came out of your

poor so of course they jumped you before

you dumped them because your behavior

and some of the things you did or said

or even didn't would have let them know

that you had a commitment fear and so

they just got out before you did even

they wouldn't they weren't even I got

rejected a lot in that face from like

2025 and I reflect on it and go how come

those five girls that I pursued I really

wanted that like you know I'd start

listening to Adele and think of them

like you know went into the frenzy all

of them

rejected me

if it wasn't it was all of them they all

picked up something from you because it

was one you go oh well it was them yeah

because I thought I've had five wives a

lot of disappointment have they had five

husbands no

well then it was you I was talking to a

client I've had five wives they all

disappointed me I said well you were the

disappointment because they couldn't all

disappoint you you must have wanted

Perfection which he did and you can only

ask for Perfection if you're offering

Perfection which none of us can offer

only conclusion from that chapter in my

life was there must be like a thousand

micro Expressions that these people are

picking up on that actually indicating

that I'm low value yeah and I do you

know I couldn't fake it I read all the

books about you know I read this book in

this matchmaking book and this book

called The Game the mystery method I

watched all the documentaries and the

only reason it changed in my life was

when my actual opinion of myself changed

yeah of course because you didn't value

yourself and you know if you have this

belief I'm not good enough and you fake

it people pick it up they know

instinctively they can't help it because

it's at a level Beyond communication

where you have a low sense of worth

people pick it up and when you have a

high sense they pick it up too but when

you fake it you're still faking it so

that's why you've got to get to that

level of hey I'm so great when I was in

I was in Zimbabwe just before I met John

and I was they put me in a honeymoon

suite

and it was an amazing place they could

say oh this is so sad you haven't got a

husband they don't understand that why

have you got a husband this is not

normal and I thought you know I'm so

happy and I thought I'm re as a second

time in a month I was also teaching in

comedy but being a honeymoon suite again

that really was the best room in the

house and it was a big honeymoon so I

thought well you know what I love being

in here I didn't think oh this is so sad

and so the second I was at honeymoon I

was thinking you know what if this is as

good as it ever gets I'm on my own in

this amazing place in Zimbabwe in this

amazing with two baths outside and two

showers and two of everything I'm okay

I'm really happy and I was married 10

months I didn't even know John well I

knew him but we weren't dating because

you have to get to that level of

thinking

yeah I came home I knew John our kids

went to the same school I came home from

Africa in September met him in October

we were married the following August but

I got to that level where I was so happy

being just being by myself

the I didn't chase him or think oh my

God I need this it was just like oh here

you are and how do you know you and

you're a great guy and it all worked out

perfectly but you have to get away from

the neediness or I'm running away from

it avoiding it or desperately looking

for in your case looking for thinking

it's a prison you have to be at a level

of I'm ready but I'm happy anyway and

then from 25 to 30 the next five years

the thing that changed in my life was I

became

um what other people would call

successful she had business success now

it's funny because someone will look at

that and go okay well for the next five

years from 25 to 30 you had money so it

attracted people whatever right yeah but

I know that that's not the full story I

know that I think the success

changed my beliefs about myself of

course it did I just think I stood

differently and I of course you did and

you had a sense of self it's not that

I'm rich but it's like I've created this

I'm worth something your sense of

self-elevator because of what you've

done and achieved and you grew up a bit

too and so your sense of self went up

and people like people with a strong

sense of themselves it's very attractive

it's actually very sexy confidence is

really sexy a sense of who you are is

very sexy for men and women so without

knowing it that's what you got and from

25 to 30 in that period I no longer had

that issue I felt that I could attract

someone that I wanted if I pursued

someone I thought I went into it

thinking you know the choice is going to

be mine yeah and uh the least humble

where I possibly can and I fell in love

with someone and I've been with them

ever since I was actually working with

someone who won the lottery and he was I

said you know what happens when I won

the lottery women became more orgasmic I

said you know that happens all over the

world when men win the lottery their

girlfriends become more orgasm yeah I

don't understand it and it was he

couldn't understand it it was a bit of a

joke that of course they became more

orgasmic because he became so attractive

to them because he'd won the lottery

so that was very funny makes so much

sense so people are going to hear that

and go so you can't think that's what I

I came to learn from that 10 years ago I

say it's all my friends now I give them

I give them I give them this uh oh

everything I know about some of the

books I read about how to be high value

and then I tell them the story that

between 20 and 25 yeah I read all these

books and I still couldn't do anything

about it so reading the books is not

enough because you can't fake it and I

say to some of my best friends and it's

one of my close girlfriends I said um

it's almost like there's a thousand

little micro expressions of low value

that we we give off in language is just

it's a new form of communication versus

the like thousand tiny things we don't

know we do which which tell the person

that we don't value ourselves we have no

self-esteem and we're not confident if

you're looking for self-asseme anywhere

outside of yourself you're not going to

find it if you're looking for

self-esteem out there with the jasmines

of the world or someone unless you're

looking for in here you're never going

to find it so stop looking out there

self-esteem is not out there it's in

here and just spend some time saying hey

um I can elevate my sense of self-worth

self-value self-image you see

self-esteem means if I say Stephen I

hold you in the highest of esteem that's

what I think of you but self is

important I think of me

and what happens is we start to poke

holes in our self-esteem by saying I'm

not good enough I'm not rich enough

smart enough attractive enough qualified

enough

and you've got to go back and go no I I

can raise myself see my matter just the

way I am I matter I'm enough I'm lovable

and you know my dad always had the job

of any school is to raise the kids

self-esteem that's more important than

learning Latin or Sport and all schools

their job is to raise kids up and

parenting too your job as a parent is to

raise your kids selfish but nobody

teaches us that we think oh no it's

organic broccoli and making you safe and

making you learn Mandarin to send you a

good school no your job is to raise kids

with good self-esteem

and then they'll have relations with

who've got good self-resum if it only

will work on self-esteem the world would

be so much better how would you have

what would you have done with 20 year

old Steve if he'd come to you and said

listen Marissa I've pursued all these

women they all seem to not value me yeah

well I would have gone right back to

look at what was happening when you were

growing up what was going on with your

mom and dad where did you get these

beliefs from what happened to you you

know it's not what's wrong with you it's

what happened to you should never say

what's wrong with you what happened to

you in your formative years what did you

see growing up with your mum and dad

what did you see so if we look at you

know Paul McCartney Who Loved Linda and

all his children have got very secure

relate Stella's got four children

amazing parent Mary he's got three

children but they're very happy they've

stayed with us because they they learned

what they live you learn what you live

what did you learn what did you live

that you learned which was that marriage

is a horrible place you can't escape

from it's punishing

it's not a place of sanctity or love or

support something completely different

I also think I just learned that I was

at a very young age that

think maybe that I learned that I was

unlovable at some some level because I

think

about being a black kid in an all-white

area where your house is like

dilapidated I think that's the right

word well you can't never brought anyone

home never brought a girl home in the 16

odd years that I lived in Plymouth never

brought anyone home no one knew where I

lived I had this like constant shame

yeah shame and I showed up as if I was a

confident kid like you know it was an ax

yeah and you weren't home feeling a

scent you see

one of the I taught 16 000 therapists

all over the world and I teach them so

there's only three things wrong with

every person that turns up at your door

only three things one of them is I'm

different so I can't connect the next

one is I want something that's not

available to me and the third one is I'm

not enough

there's a lot of versions I'm not smart

enough good enough but when you told me

that little boy who was a black kid in a

white world living in a shambolic house

never bringing people home

straight away you're saying I was

different and if I'm Different I can't

connect because we connect by being the

same because I like Postman pets so do I

I like pasta so do I I like Barbie so do

I oh you're my friend but when you're

different you can't connect so you you

first had that first thing I'm different

so I can't connect what I want

being the same as all the other kids is

not available to me and if you think

you're unlovable then you have to think

you're not enough but of course that's

what you felt the truth is you're deeply

lovable just the way you are but it's

very hard when you don't feel it so when

you you know your feelings the most real

thing you have and we're always trying

to use logic but logic doesn't work

because in a battle between emotion and

logic emotion wins every single time so

the emotion of being this kid who felt

different not enough not the same you

can't logic that better yes you can

achieve a lot and work hard and be a

millionaire remember John Lennon said

the thing you can't hide is when you're

crippled inside and so you're trying to

fake it till you make it but then you

just end up feeling like a big fake you

have to go back and look at okay I felt

different but here's an interesting

thing if our greatest fears to feel

different it must have been on the same

as everyone because that's our greatest

fear to be different we used to be cast

out for different vanished for being

different but actually if you fear being

different all right that means you're

the same as everyone because you've got

the same fears

and what wasn't available now you've

made it available many years ago

and you're deeply level and more than

enough that you have to kind of go back

and look at that old scenes again but

that's not me anymore of course it's not

me so just stating why it isn't you is

actually one of the most

transformational things you can ever do

as we're so busy looking for how it is

us you know here's a rule of the Mind

whatever you look for

you will find whatever you focus on you

get more so when you look at how it's

still you or still there or still

bothering you

then you'll find it and interesting I

think when you look at the mess in your

room you remember the shambolic house

and that's why it bothers you not

because it's messy because you were

brought up in a shambolic house now you

come back and think oh look at this room

I've recreated the same instead of

saying actually I'm in a five-star hotel

there's a maid next door it's a little

bit messy it's not shambolic but you see

what your brain is looking for is what's

the same and it will always find it but

if you look for what's different

you'll find that too so when you have a

brilliant brain which we all have and

you definitely have a so that you've got

to talk yourself out of it not into it

you're talking yourself into how the

messy room is the same as a messy home

and it bothers you greatly because it

feels out of your control which it was

when you're a kid living in that house

don't talk because I haven't talk

yourself out of it oh yeah I have

created a mess but hey I'm a super

successful guy I'm busy someone's going

to come in and clean all of this up and

it's not the same it's vastly different

but our mind is always looking for

what's the same because it loves what is

familiar after all you know if you were

two-year-old kid living in the prayer

and you wanted out on the Prairie you'd

only eat the berries you already knew

you wouldn't eat anything unfamiliar

because it would have killed you so our

primitive brain wants to go back to what

is familiar back to what is known back

to what is comfortable

I was on there just before I actually

came in the door earlier

um and it said that the dietless life

resolves the underlying cause of

overeating

I let me confess I am someone that works

out pretty much every day I'll work out

today

although I'm going to that Fred Again

concert so that might be difficult

that's a workout I work out pretty much

every day of the week

um the thing that's holding me back is

once in a while I'll get into a little

bit of like a sugar spiral what I mean

by that is I'll eat some sugar and then

the next day I'll eat some more sugar

and then the next day I might have

something very addictive yeah I've

actually given up alcohol I've not told

anybody but I've given a power call

completely but this sugar thing seems to

be something that I'm like I'm like

battling with it will happen you know

once a month and then it could last for

like a couple of weeks where I just

start eating things that I'm like why am

I eating that and then I'll get control

again of the ship

how do I avoid sugar I don't like it I

don't want it I actually when someone

hands me something like the first thing

I check is the sugar contents don't want

it in my life anymore I've made that

decision like oh goodbye but it seems to

grab me so your mind always goes back to

what something means so let's talk about

little Steve and what did sugar and all

the sugar Retreats mean to you when

you're a kid what did they mean

well in our house we weren't allowed

them and we didn't have them yeah

probably the only family again because

of money issues that we didn't have any

nice things in the fridge yeah so I

would go to the corner shop after school

and I would steal as much of the sweets

as I possibly could and then how did you

feel so let's close your eyes a minute

okay just remember be that little boy

you've just stolen them you've just got

them it's okay that you took them most

kids do that what do you feel like when

you've suddenly got them in your pockets

or you're eating them what's the feeling

I feel in control

I feel like my friends I guess so keep

your eyes closed and imagine you now

you're grown up Stephen and suddenly

it's one evening and you want this

sugary stuff and you want it the next

day and the next day I want you to say

this when I say when I can't have sugar

when I don't have sugar say it

repeatedly we don't have sugar when I

don't have sugar I feel like that little

kid who is deprived of sugar I feel like

that little kid that was depressed and

that makes me feel

out of control because

just said the word because it makes

people out of control because because I

lived in a house where I didn't have the

ability to get the things I wanted sure

so you can open your eyes now so the

adult you you see it's not the chocolate

it's the feeling you felt when you

couldn't have it so when people go on a

diet this is what happens I can't have

any of that stuff I can only have

lettuce and they have this traffic light

red everything's banned

Amber okay and green is like lettuce

salad carrots grilled fish and you think

yeah but I want all the red stuff it's

the mind says if I can't have it I want

to I want it so much

so again you've got to talk yourself

saying hey you know I can have chocolate

every day for the rest of my life it's

always I can have it and I can have it

in abundance I can have a breakfast

lunch and dinner and here's the magic

sentence that changes your life I'm

choosing to say no and I'm choosing to

love it I mean my parents are a bit like

that no sugar sorry

I'm choosing to say no to chocolate and

I'm choosing to love it I'm choosing to

say no to kids treats and I'm choosing

to love it I think one of my clients

who's a billionaire who goes on his boat

on his yacht and takes all these things

like Refreshers and sherbet stuff

because he wasn't allowed them as a

child and even his own chef

that makes him happy because it's

something that was forbidden and so when

he gets it he thinks oh I feel so

thrilled because it did that when you

look at it made you happy so you're

looking for the feeling not the thing

and you can give yourself the feeling

without the thing anyway

so as you can remember I feel the same

when I want it and I feel the same when

I get it but could I get the feeling

without having it of course you could

it's really easy too

should I should I hypnotize you back to

that little boy that wanted the sugar so

badly so we can change it

would you like that should we do it now

let's do it now okay being hypnotized is

really easy I'll show you what you do

okay it's about the eye so if you look

at me you're going to look up like that

breathe in

breathe out

take another deep breath keeping your

eyeballs up every time you blink deep

powerful hypnosis is coming upon you

breathe out and just one more time keep

your eyeballs up and this time

the more you blink the deeper you're

going to hypnosis as you exhale keep

your eyeballs up close your eyelids down

and I'm going to tell you Stephen that

your eyelids are locked shut glued shut

seal together your eyelids are glue

tight try to open your eyes find their

locked shut

go deeper

try to open your eyes find they are

glued tight go deeper and one more time

try to open your eyes by they are fused

together go deeper deeper deeper

your mind Stephen knows exactly what

chocolate and children's sweets

represent to you

I'm going to count back with some five

to one your brilliant mind is going to

take you right back easily powerfully to

a scene

that is all to do with why as an adult

you keep going back to Sugar the minute

you get that information it's going to

be such a game changer and of course you

can't relive anything it's not possible

you can only review you can't relive

being that little boy but you can review

it

and anything you go about even if it's

sad you're going to look at it with

fascination with Insight with innate

understanding of how those scenes then

shaped you today so let's go

so you're about seven describe what's

happening in this scene

I'm sat on a grass hill

have these

these boring

sandwiches in My Lunchbox I want you to

it's very important to feel the feeling

you're doing fantastic when you say I'm

looking at my lunchbox I'm seven years

old and I feel so disappointed

I'm looking at

The Lunchbox I'm seven years old and I

feel so disappointed

is there anything you can do to change

the lunch box

no I

I could steal some money from somewhere

to buy the things I want or I could swap

or steal some other food or something

how else is that little kid feeling

buying

sugar or getting it mix

me feel

makes me feel powerful sure you know

there's always been that kind of

underlying thing because I could never

have it yeah as an adult it's kind of

like an expression of like my my new

autonomy yeah like you know I can have

whatever I want

so now I want you to go back to the

little kid sitting on the grassy bank

with a just winning lunch I want you to

say to me that's not me anymore because

you need to tell me exactly why justify

and tell me why that's not you so repeat

after me that little kid on that little

kid on the grassy bank with a

disappointing lunch box that little kid

on the grassy bank with the

disappointing lunch it's not me it's not

me and will never be me ever again and

we'll never be ever again because

because

I can have whatever I want now you're

not seven your mother doesn't provide

your lunch every day does she no and if

she did and you hated it couldn't you go

out and get whatever you want yeah I

would say that's not me that's not me

I'll never be seven I'll never be the

disappointing lunch ever again are they

disappointing lunch I'll never be seven

having less than other people ever again

I'll never be seven having less than

other people ever that can't be me that

can't be me I can have whatever I want

now I can have whatever I want and what

I really want and what I really want is

to be indifferent to sugar

I want you to think of the words that

little kid needed to hear

you know better than me that when you

were seven eight nine ten what you most

needed to hear what you most needed to

feel that you were the same that you

were equal you had everything others had

and I want you to repeat some of those

words you can do it in your head or out

loud what are the missing words you've

never heard and always wanted to hear

you have the same

resources and money and value as all of

your friends so say that little kid you

have the same money you have the same

amount of money the same resources same

resources

same stuff everyone else has the same

stuff that everyone else has you're

smart you're smart and as you grow up

as you grow up you create everything for

yourself you create everything for

yourself

you see chocolate doesn't free you from

feeling that you can't have it it

actually reminds you far from solving

your issues it reminds you of that kid