Hello. It's Saturday night on

Valentine's Day. If you're watching this

video, um you probably are the target

audience for it.

So, someone on Twitter um one of my

simulators actually uh was complaining

about YouTubers never really talking

about dating. Uh and so I felt it was

really only right to step in. That's

right. I'm here from downtown. I'm here

from Mitch and Murray. I'm here on a

mission of mercy.

Um, as funny as it would be to do this

whole video like Alec Baldwin and

Glengary Glenn Ross, um, I do actually

have some advice for you. And looking at

the state of the youth, good lord, do

you guys need some help?

Speaking of Glengary, Glenn Ross, I was

watching that clip earlier. Um, and Mrs.

Simulator kind of just jumped in with a

ah, reminds me of childhood,

which is that that's entertaining. Um,

now why should you take dating advice

from some paranoid balding weirdo?

Because uh despite that, unlike you, I

have a girlfriend, girlfriend wife.

We've been together almost 10 years. Um,

we can't technically marry because her

parents are in the Illuminati. It's a

whole big thing. Anyways, uh I hear you

all going, "Well, that's easy for you to

say. You're a fabulously successful and

influential YouTuber, podcast host, and

Twitter personality." Well, yeah. Now,

uh, but I didn't bag Mr. simulator at

the dizzying heights of being a sealist

internet celebrity making literally

hundred of thousands of dollars.

Yeah, bro. I told you we made it. Never

could have imagined we'd be drinking

Gray Goose now. It's a little bottle.

What time is it? Oh, let me check my

$600 watch.

$600

watch. I bagged her when I was just a

regular balding weirdo. So, we're going

to start with things to not do. This is

written for an audience of males trying

to attract females, but um

I guess a lot of this is sort of

applicable

everywhere. Um do not do the following

things. Do not constantly make

self-deprecating jokes. Really, don't

make self-re [ __ ]

All right, there we go. Uh don't make

self-deprecating jokes. Basically, it

comes off like you're insecure and

you're expecting someone to criticize

you or make the joke that you're about

to make and you're just trying to do it

first so you can take the sting out of

it. It comes off as insecure. It comes

off as um [ __ ] made. Don't do that. Do

not text more than you hang out in

person, at least until you get very

familiar with them. This is the number

one thing that you guys [ __ ] up. All

right? If you get to know someone via

text, you're building up inaccurate

mental models of what the other person

is like in real life while getting to

know them. Then when you hang out, there

is this mutual mismatch between your

mental models of each other and reality

leading to awkwardness.

Get to know each other in person. Do not

date someone based off of their taste in

music or movies or hobbies or whatever.

This doesn't form a relationship. It

barely forms a friendship. Uh to quote

former President Richard Nixon uh from

the secretly recorded White House tapes,

"You know who's going to be a better

friend to talk about music and movies

and video game [ __ ] with than your

girlfriend? A man. an autistic man.

Do not view a relationship as some

needle in a hay stack, perfect match

thing that you need to just find ready

to go. Conversely, these are the things

you should do.

Do view a relationship as a blank slate

fresh save file that you can build with

a compatible partner. Right?

You can have just as fulfilling and

happy of a relationship with

realistically hundreds of thousands to

tens of millions of different people

depending on how boring you are. There's

no such thing as a soulmate. At least,

you know, not in a prescriptive sense.

You your soulmate is someone that you

create that soulmate relationship with.

There are many. Also, if your wife died,

shut the [ __ ] up. I know nobody can

replace her, but that's because there's

only one person that can fit into the

relationship that you two built. You

can't just have someone like put on your

dead wife's skin as a skin suit. Like,

but don't act like there's nobody else

in the world you hypothetically could

have also ended up with. Um, just

uh fronting the comments.

do find someone to date based almost

entirely on if you two have compatible

lifestyles and are attracted to one

another. Everything else can be built or

shared. Um, for example, this is a

little side tangent here. Picking a

partner based off of politics is

genuinely the stupidest and worst thing

to pick someone off of. All right? You

end up dating a coworker and you will be

miserable and fight about increasingly

granular political [ __ ] until you break

up over a disagreement about like the

comparative importance of East to Moore

in 1990s geopolitics. Okay,

I've seen it happen

frequently. Relationships between people

with polar opposite politics tend to end

up the strongest and kind of both of you

mellow out. Like, so Chuds, go find

yourself a blue-haired art school

communist that you can get along with.

Libtards, go find yourself a slick

fascist that turns you on. You will all

be less annoying after doing this. Okay.

Sorry, it it was very hot in here. I had

to take off that suit jacket. Um,

finally, most importantly, the number

one thing that you should do, hang out

in person often and early, as frequently

as you can. Don't date people over the

computer. Look, this isn't a universal

thing. Extenduating circumstances apply.

However, if you are young and want to

have an in-person, real normal, regular

relationship where you live in a house

together and have kids and make dinner

and whatever, do not date long distance

over Discord.

I have seen this sort of I've seen it

sort of work once with two very very

unusual and very specific people and

I've seen it ruin anywhere from three

years to the rest of that person's life

literally all other times.

How did Mrs. Simulator and I meet? Well,

um, ostensibly through college radio,

basically, but in a real sense, because

we were both severe insomniacs and would

frequently be the only person awake and

down to actually like go hang out and

chill at 3:00 or 4 in the morning. We

did that a lot. And then, what do you

know? Now, my increasingly frightening,

evil Judea Happa girlfriend wife is

trying to make me join the New World

Order. uh whole big thing

like and now on to the sort of uh I'

I've got my points addressed here. This

is the important stuff. Um

let's see. What if you're ugly? You're

probably not as ugly as you think you

are. You're you're probably just

insecure. Um if you have acne, go on

Accutane. Uh if you're if you think

you're just weird looking, you're

probably not that weird looking. Like

guys, I'm not exactly look smacking

here. All right. But I've never had an

issue with this because luckily, and I

guess depending on who you ask, um,

unluckily, like there's a reason that

people like clvicular looks, Max,

attraction to guys, as long as you're

not like melted or deformed or like

you've got like a leg coming out of your

head, it's mostly

do they find you confident and

interesting. Let me give you an example,

right? Like women don't really care as

much about the fact that you're balding

as the fact that you're insecure about

the fact that you're balding. I say all

that to make the point that physical

attraction is really kind of a yes or no

binary

thing for women. As far as I can tell,

am I being gender essentialist? Yes, of

course I am. If people want me to stop

being gender essentialist, stop

being gender essential. Like, stop stop

doing the [ __ ] that men do and that

women do. Like, I I'm I'm so tired of

all of this [ __ ] Like, you know,

fun fact, number one way to get a

girlfriend is to already have a

girlfriend.

If women see that you are with a

partner, and like I'm not you're going

to get yourself into some kind of [ __ ]

up Larry David moment if you try to fake

this. I'm just saying that if you

already have a girlfriend, you will get

10 times as many women like hitting on

you. The reason for this is that women

will see that, oh, this is someone who

doesn't have some kind of fundamental

flaw. Like, you've already been socially

proofed. All right? And just that fact

that like the number one easiest way to

get a girlfriend is to already have one.

It's like, yeah, there's there's a

biological lizard brain aspect of this

that is completely ridiculous to try to

fight against and especially to try to

deny. Women don't like when people are

insecure. Just straight up. I can't

really give advice to women about what

men like. I don't I mean, I know what I

don't like when women do, and that's

like the stuff they think men like.

[music]

Tommy right on the grease with the

[ __ ] side out.