I'm Dr. Orion Taban and this is Psychax

Better Living Through Psychology and the

topic of today's short talk is why you

were lied to. So this is an experience

that almost everyone has had at some

point in their lives. They feel hurt and

betrayed that they were lied to by

someone that they cared about. In fact,

this experience can hurt so much that

people have taken to applying special

psychoralistic terms to it. It's not

just that they were lied to, it's that

they were gas lit and manipulated, which

is a form of narcissistic abuse at the

hands of a personality disordered

individual, etc., etc. And obviously,

this can occur, like there are malicious

bad actors in the world. However, the

ubiquity of this kind of language just

doesn't match up with the prevalence

data as previously discussed on this

channel. So, I think that a lot of this

talk is a kind of exaggeration designed

to communicate just how painful the

experience in question was to the

individual involved as opposed to a

accurate description of objective

reality. In any case, if this has

happened to you, I'm here to explain why

this experience was so painful and what

to do about it moving forward. Here

goes.

The bitter truth. The reality that we

would prefer not to acknowledge is that

this experience is not especially rare.

In point of fact, you are lied to all

the time. I don't know how else to put

it. You're lied to by your government.

You're lied to by your teachers. You're

lied to by your parents. You're lied to

by marketers and influencers and social

media. You are being lied to all the

[ __ ] time. And the fact of the matter

is that the vast majority of these lies

don't hurt. Like they don't hurt you

emotionally like the lies of that one

person.

Maybe you understood that you were being

lied to like the town liar lies, right?

But more likely you were just not that

interested in those lies. They didn't

speak to you as it were. So it was easy

for you to brush them off. But if lying

were like inherently painful, then all

lies should hurt. And we know that that

is not actually the case. Certain lies

hurt far more than others. And you might

think, well, the lies that hurt are

those that came from people I thought I

could trust.

But even that might not be entirely

true. Like your grandmother, who you

trust would never hurt a fly, might have

told you that you were a handsome little

boy and that any woman would be lucky to

have you. And I doubt that you were

crushed by her betrayal. Like, Nana, we

both know that that's not true.

I thought I could trust you. Now I don't

know what to think. Was everything a

lie? etc., etc. So I think this

criterion is also insufficient to

explain what's going on here. So what is

the cause? In my opinion, the reason why

certain lies hurt and most lies don't is

that the lies that hurt are the lies you

wanted to believe.

That's where you're most vulnerable. And

your vulnerabilities are precisely where

your greatest sources of potential pain

lie. And I'm not saying this to rub salt

in your wound. That is that you were in

large part complicit in the pain you are

currently experiencing. I'm saying this

to help you get stronger and potentially

prevent something like this from

occurring in the future.

Look, we all have our Achilles heels,

places where we're especially vulnerable

to being hurt. Now imagine if Achilles,

the Greek hero, took that self-nowledge

seriously. Like all he had to do was put

a little plating on the back of his

ankle and he would have been

indestructible. We don't want to ignore

or deny our vulnerabilities or pretend

they don't exist. We want to accept them

and make reality based accommodations so

that we can confidently move forward

with life. Make sense?

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So, the lies that hurt are the lies we

want to believe. And what are the lies

we want to believe? Well, the specifics

vary from person to person, but in

general, the lies we want to believe

have to do with our ego ideal.

Your ego ideal is the version of

yourself you would like to feel that you

are. I'll say that again. Your ego ideal

is the version of yourself that you

would like to feel that you are. Lies

that pertain to your ego ideal are going

to be the both the most tempting to

believe and the most painful to reveal.

Look at it this way. The harshest

criticisms occur when our own self-t

talk comes out of someone else's mouth.

That is these criticisms really hurt

because on some level we believe them to

be true ourselves or at the very least

we lack accurate self-nowledge in that

department. So the criticism creates a

worm of doubt that forces us to question

who we thought we were. If you didn't

believe the criticism was true or if you

had already accepted that truth about

yourself, you probably wouldn't react so

negatively. So criticisms are generally

painful to the extent that we perceive

them to be true over and above whether

the criticism is like objectively true.

By the same token, the lies that hurt

the most generally aren't clothed in the

guise of personal criticism. Far from

it. They typically take the form of what

you most want to believe to be true

about yourself. These lies hurt because

initially

they don't. They feel really good. Why?

Because they pertain to your ego ideal.

Wow. I've I've never met a guy like you

before. I think that I found my

soulmate. You're the only one for me

forever and forever. And look at that.

Suddenly someone thinks that you are

unique. Someone thinks that you are

attractive. Someone thinks that you are

lovable, etc., etc. What a feeling,

right? When these self-concepts

associated with your ego ideal get

activated, you finally finally get to

feel the way you've always wanted to

feel about yourself. Hooray.

So, what's the issue? Well, it turns out

that there are several issues. Actually,

in the first place, anyone who can

succeed in making you feel the way

you've always wanted to feel about

yourself is going to be able to lead you

around by the nose. You'll be so easy to

manipulate. And if you're not careful,

when you eventually realize that these

kinds of statements were, shall we say,

likely strategically employed for their

instrumental value, you're likely to

feel as though you were the victim of

some bad person's malicious deceit.

Though this is far from the whole story.

Truth be told, you probably played

yourself.

And of course, up to the point of that

disillusionment, you'll likely become

emotionally dependent on this person,

and he or she that giveth has the power

to taketh away. Ideally, you want your

self-concept to be founded on such

accurate self-nowledge that neither

praise nor criticism has the power to

influence you. Otherwise, you're going

to be on an emotional roller coaster.

high on life when you hear what you want

to hear and thinking of ending it all

when you hear what you don't. Suffice it

to say, but as an adult, no one no one

should have that much power and control

over your emotional state. So, what's to

be done? Well, I would highly encourage

you to fearlessly examine what it is you

would most like to hear. Not so that you

can simply reject it out of hand should

someone say it to you, but so you don't

simply fall for it hook line and sinker

either. The things you would most like

to hear are probably different from the

things I would most like to hear and

vice versa. This is because these things

have a lot to do with our personal

psychology, life experiences,

programming and backstory, etc. And the

idea would be to keep these

vulnerabilities in your awareness so

that you can consciously practice

patience and discernment when they

become activated. This is also an

invitation to greater self-awareness

because once you really deeply

understand who you are and really deeply

accept what you understand then both

praise and criticism tend to lose their

power and this is a good thing. These

things are like waves on the ocean. They

come from somewhere else and they

potentially have the power to take

things way off course. The less you can

be influenced by either praise or

criticism, the more you can choose your

own path according to your will, your

values, and your reason. And that's a

very good thing. In any case, that's why

you've singled out specific lies in your

personal story as being especially

painful. So my advice to you is to take

your power back by acknowledging your

role in your pain. Learn the lesson this

experience is trying to teach you about

yourself and move forward into a future

where you appropriately account for your

own vulnerabilities.

What do you think? Does this fit with

your own experience? Let me know in the

comments below. And please send this

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website. There are also my books, The

Value of Others, in which I explore the

economic model of relationships and my

psychological novel, Starry Night, in

which I explore the final weeks of

painter Vincent Van Go's life. There's

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consultation calls with a wonderful

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value to be found there.

As always, I appreciate your support and

thank you for listening.