I'm Dr. Orion Taban and this is Psychax

better living through psychology and the

topic of today's short talk is staying

at home. So men and women seem to be at

perpetual loggerheads these days with

respect to this issue. Both sides have

been functionally trying to convince the

other to stay at home with the kids for

decades. Conservative men seem to be

looking for tradives, who I assume are

women who wear frocks and stay at home

to bake pies and raise babies. These men

argue what a sweet deal that is for

women. No awful commute, no frustrating

grind, no managerial obedience, just you

and the most meaningful and fulfilling

thing you'll ever do in your entire

life. What's not to like? On the other

hand, modern women have been launching a

somewhat dubious counter campaign to

normalize the stay-at-home dad. A man

who cleans and does his share of the

housework. How sexy. He's definitely

getting laid more often than that

selfish, emotionally unavailable

executive who expects his wife to

perform all the physical and emotional

labor around the house. Don't worry

about the social stigma. We women think

it's so hot. So, who are we to believe?

Well, in general, people's behavior is a

much more accurate and reliable guide as

to their values than their words. And I

think it's safe to say that if staying

at home with the kids was really such a

huge good deal, then both men and women

would be fighting for the privilege to

do so themselves.

they wouldn't be trying to convince the

other party to do it. So I think we have

to conclude that in reality neither men

nor women find the prospect of staying

at home with the kids to be all that

attractive which of course goes a long

way toward explaining the modern family

system. Nobody wants to do it. And

maybe, just possibly, that could be

because it's actually not nearly as

meaningful or attractive as either side

makes it out to be. I don't know,

possibly.

Let's get real. Taking care of children

is a very difficult job, but it's a

different flavor of difficulty than the

difficulty people ordinarily experience

in their workplace. Of course, the first

6 to 12 months is a physically and

emotionally draining time, even if the

children are good eaters and good

sleepers, which of course isn't always

the case. But mothers are typically on

maternity leave during this time. So,

we're not really talking about this

period. We're talking about the time

after the critical infancy period when

women can and are generally expected to

return to work. And there are two real

difficulties with staying at home with

the kids during this period, namely

boredom and isolation.

First, let's talk about boredom. Yes,

when a baby giggles joyfully during a

game of peekab-boo, it can feel like the

most precious moment in the entire

world. But a good deal of relating to

babies and children is repetitive and

vapid.

Children are concrete thinkers who

largely lack insight, depth, and nuance.

And it obviously takes years just to get

rudimentary verbal communication online

at all. and they love to experience the

same things, the same movies, the same

songs, the same stories over and over

and over and over and over and over and

over again. This is a big part of how

they learn. However, spending the better

part of Wednesday's day alone with such

a person for months or years at a time,

which is typically what would occur in a

nuclear family, is hardly intellectually

stimulating or emotionally satisfying.

And this, I believe, is a big part of

why parents nowadays ship their kids off

to daycare before they're even a year

old. Mothers, irrespective of whether

they work or not, have become their own

surrogates, at least in part to escape

this staltifying arrangement.

Introducing [music] my innovative first

novel, Starry Night. Step into the world

of painter Vincent Van Gogh. genius,

sinner, prophet, madman. Relive the

final 10 weeks of his life in [music]

this breathtaking tale of art, love,

loss, and meaning, and challenge what

you think you know about life and

relationships. Once you see through

Vincent's eyes, the world will never

look the same again. Starry Night. Order

your copy today. The links are in the

description.

And this ties into the second great

difficulty associated with staying at

home with the kids. It's isolating.

Now, this didn't used to be the case. It

didn't used to be the case because a

people were having more children, which

basically meant that some of the child

care was forced onto the older siblings

and there was a plethora of

relationships to navigate within the

family unit. And B, more women were

having children earlier. And this meant

that instead of sitting at home alone

with baby, women could get together with

their friends and talk and laugh and

socialize and share the child care. And

I'm intentionally focusing on the mother

here because for better or worse, babies

have never heard of feminism. Infants

and young children absolutely

need their mothers more than they need

their fathers. This changes as children

grow with fathers becoming hugely

important around the age of seven and

beyond. But mothers are definitely more

important in the first few years of

life. It has been argued that there is a

mimedic dimension to motherhood. And I

think that's right. As I've discussed

elsewhere, women want what other women

want. Until a couple of generations ago,

women wanted to become wives and

mothers. In large part, because that's

what they saw all the other women around

them doing. Just look into any high

school yearbook from the 1950s. At least

half of the women declare that their

goal in life is to become a wife and a

mother. And back then, it wasn't nearly

as lonely to be a mother, even in the

age of the nuclear family. Why? because

all the other women you were friends

with were also mothers. So on some

level, becoming a mother was one way

that women could retain access to their

social circle instead of the opposite in

today's day and age. On the other hand,

women today do a large part of their

socializing at work. And I think this is

actually an underagged reason why women

over and above the financial

considerations are loathed to stay at

home. This is where they get to be a

part of something. It's kind of hard to

feel like you're a part of something

when it's just you and a toddler all

day. Now, I do think that a big part of

the whole tradife push is an attempt to

exert a corrective influence on a social

pendulum that has swung way too far in

the other direction. While it's

certainly true that staying at home

isn't some kind of paradise that is as

joyful as it is meaningful,

it's also certainly true that for too

long we have collectively idolized going

to work as the pathway to empowered

independence to which every modern woman

should aspire. Remember, most women

today need their employers about as much

as their grandmothers needed their

husbands.

I'll say that again. Most women today

need their employers about as much as

their grandmothers needed their

husbands. So, you'd have to take a

fairly narrow view of self-sufficiency

to see this as an improvement.

My point here is that there are pros and

cons to both. There are benefits and

liabilities to staying at home. And

there are benefits and liabilities to

being typically an employee. And it's

important to consider the whole picture

when making appropriate reality based

decisions about people's lives. Staying

at home is as much a prison as it is a

day spa. And the real advantage or

disadvantage to anyone here is going to

be the delta between the actual lived

experience of working and the actual

lived experience of raising children.

But do me a favor. Let's stop pretending

that each side is doing the other a

favor by letting them stay at home all

day. If that were true, both sexes would

be fighting to get out of the workforce,

not to stay in it. What do you think?

Does this fit with your own experience?

Let me know in the comments below. And

please send this episode to someone who

you think might benefit from its

message. I know you know someone who

needs to hear this because it's word of

mouth referrals like this that really

helped make the channel grow. Other

value propositions. Anyone looking to

join my free weekly newsletter for which

I write original content or book a paid

one-on-one consultation with yours truly

can do so on my website. There's also my

bestselling book, The Value of Others,

in which I explore interexual dynamics

and my private member community, The

Captain Squarters, where, among other

things, I host bimonthly group

consultation calls and host Q&A with

invited guests from all over the

internet. It's a lot of fun. Check them

out if you are so inclined. The links to

everything are in the description below.

As always, I appreciate your support and

thank you for listening.