Alrighty, chat. It's that time of year

where maybe you've failed at your New

Year's resolution. So, when the new year

rolls around, everyone makes

resolutions. And if you look at the

science of behavioral change, we run

into something really, really scary,

which is that the way that we make New

Year's resolutions actually runs

contrary to what the science shows us

works for sustained behavioral change.

It's almost like New Year's resolutions

tend to shoot us in the foot. So to

begin with, let's start with a couple of

basic statistics. 77% of people stick

with a New Year's resolution for about 1

week. Okay? So 23% of people don't even

last a week. About 50% of people fail at

the 1 month mark. And only about 20% of

people make it after 1 year or about 2

years. Which means that 80% of people

ultimately fail in their New Year's

resolution. What do we know about the

people who succeed? It turns out that

the way that we make New Year's

resolutions may actually sabotage us

from succeeding in the first place. So,

here's the first big mistake that people

make. They decide to do it with a

friend. So, this is the way that this

kind of thinking goes. Hey, I have

trouble sticking with things. You know

what would be great is if I rope in one

of my friends and we decide to do it

together. I'm gonna find an

accountability partner. So, here's the

subtle psychology that makes that really

hard. Why do you find an accountability

partner? Because you can't do it

yourself. And if I'm finding an

accountability partner to keep me

accountable mentally, where is my

responsibility for my own

accountability? I'm outsourcing my

accountability to a friend. And what we

actually see in New Year's resolutions,

it's kind of like this. This is the

analogy that I sort of like. Imagine I

have two bales of hay that are leaning

against each other, right? So if I take

two pieces of wood or two bales of hay

and I lean them against each other, they

both stand as long as they're both

standing. The problem is that if a

single one falls, then the other one

falls too. And what we see very

practically, and I see this all the time

in addiction psychiatry with sobriety

packs, is like me and my girlfriend, we

both use opiates and we're both going to

get sober together. That sounds great

and sometimes it works, right? Maybe 19%

of the time with New Year's resolutions,

but the real problem is that if one

person fails, the other person fails

with them. Not only are you outsourcing

your accountability, you are opening

yourself up to be dragged down by your

accountability partner. So the research

actually shows that working with someone

having a partner doesn't show any

benefit until after 6 months. And this

is sort of an interesting kind of

statistic that we can kind of tunnel

down more into. The way that I

understand it is that if the two of you

don't screw up for 6 months, then the

two of you can support each other after

that. But the first six months is

actually where we see the largest drop

off in sticking with New Year's

resolutions to begin with. Just because

having an accountability partner doesn't

work doesn't mean that support isn't

useful. Here's a really interesting

study that compared three groups of

people. One group that has no support,

one group that has limited support, and

one group that has extensive support.

The really crazy thing is that the group

with no support and the group with a ton

of support actually have the same

failure rates. The best group is the one

with moderate support. Now, why does

this happen? I think it once again comes

down to the psychology of

accountability. When you have someone

who's working with you, supporting you

for 12 months, you start to become

dependent on that person and it ends up

the the the benefit of that extended

support essentially washes out, right?

So, at what point do you go from getting

supported to becoming dependent? There's

another really great study that sort of

tunnels down into this point because I

think the point of support is a little

bit complicated. There's another study

that really tunnels down into the best

way to provide support. Okay. So, when

you have people who are non-resolvers,

these are people who have failed to

follow their New Year's resolution, it

turns out that periodic telephone calls

may facilitate people from progressing

from thinking about doing something to

actually doing something about it. And

here's what's really fascinating. This

study found that 54%

of their initial pool of non-resolvers

move from contemplation to action within

4 weeks. Right? Right? So within 1 month

54% of people who are not resolved to do

anything moved to actually doing

something within 4 weeks with simply

three telephone calls. When I designed

our coaching program, it was precisely

along these guidelines. It was looking

at the research and understanding that

people don't need help for 12 months. In

fact, helping you for 12 months making

you dependent on your coach isn't

actually helpful. It can become harmful.

Instead, a time-limited weekly

intervention that supports your forward

momentum, but doesn't make you dependent

is what actually leads to the highest

amount of behavioral change. Second big

thing that people with New Year's

resolutions miss. Failure is on the path

to success. So, one study found that for

people who stuck with something for 2

years, they failed an average of 14

times. So, one of the biggest mistakes

that we see in people who make New

Year's resolutions is not that they

screw up, it's that they throw in the

towel when they screw up. So, if you

were trying to make a behavioral change,

give yourself 14 chances before giving

up. That's what the data actually shows.

Now, there's a subtle bit of psychology

there where if you sort of tell

yourself, "Oh my god, like if I have

patients who are addicted to heroin and

they're like, oh, Dr. Okay, are you

telling me that I can relapse 14 times?

Like, oh, I've got 14 misses. Okay, well

then I've got 14 options. Let me go on a

bender this weekend. I'll get my

together next week. And then, oh, I've

got 13 left. Let me go on a bender again

this week. Right. Oh, and oh, Dr. K, by

the way, you said I can screw up 14

times, right? So, if I'm going on a

bender for one weekend, what's the

difference between one weekend and one

week? Right? It still counts as one. So

you have to be a little bit careful

about the way that your mind will take

this information and sort of say, "Okay,

that means I get to screw up." That's

not what I'm intending to tell you. What

the data actually shows is that the

process of behavioral change is fraught

with missteps. That it's the people who

stick with it over time. Those are the

people that really succeed. So don't

give up. And even if you screw up once,

twice, three times, four times, five

times, six times, seven times, eight

times, nine times, 10 times, stick with

it. That's the point of sharing this bit

of data. So now we come to the mediest

part of the research, which is what is

the difference between the 19% of people

who stick with it and the 81% of people

who don't stick with it. So the first is

that people who stick with it prepare to

make a change. They don't spontaneously

make a change. So, it's not like you

wake up on December 31st and you're

like, "Oh tomorrow is New Year's.

Time to make a resolution." The people

who make a change, think about it ahead

of time. And this is the key thing. They

are ready to make a change. So, there's

another bit of data here which is really

interesting. The desire to make a change

has no bearing on your success to make a

change. So, wanting something, this is

insane, I know, but wanting a New Year's

resolution really bad or wanting to do

something, I really, really want to get

in shape actually does not affect your

chances of success. The question is, are

you ready to get into shape? So, the way

that this looks in addiction psychiatry

is we'll often times designate a quit

date. We're not quitting today. Some

people will go turkey. Addiction science

gets a little bit more complicated

because there's different stuff going on

in the brain. But generally speaking,

setting up a time ahead of time,

designating a quit date correlates with

success with sobriety. So what you

really need to do is think about it

ahead of time and then really ask

yourself, am I ready to pay the price to

make this change? People who focus on

that are more likely to succeed. Second

thing that is really, really, really

important is a belief in self-efficacy.

So once again, it's not how much you

want something. It is your belief and

whether you are capable of achieving it.

This is critical for success in

behavioral change. So this is where

things get a little bit tricky because

often times in New Year's resolutions,

we want to make changes that we want a

lot, but we actually don't have the

faith in ourselves to achieve. So I want

to get a six-pack by the summer. Turns

out that this is actually sabotaging

you. So take a step back from what you

want. Now the way that we want to do

this successfully is by using something

called a smart goal. This is a really

really simple framework, arguably

evidence-based, but it's not super

evidence-based, but I find it to be

really helpful. So a smart goal should

be specific, it should be measurable, it

should be attainable, it should be

relevant, and it should be time bound.

So let's go through this and show you

all examples of what works and what

doesn't work. I want to get in shape.

that is neither specific nor measurable,

right? Instead, what we want to do is

focus on things that we can actually

measure. I want to go to the gym three

times a week for 1 month. I want to go

to the gym three times a week for 2

months. I want to stop eating after 10

p.m. Right? So, these are things that

are specific that you can actually

measure. It becomes very clear whether

you are achieving it or not achieving

it. And then we get to attainable, which

leans into self-efficacy. So, in order

for you to access self-efficacy, it has

to be something that you believe you can

do. So, does three times a week sound

like you can really do that? Instead,

what can be far more successful is for

you to scale back your goal to let me go

to the gym once a week, right? Focus on

things that you can actually succeed in.

And the reason for that is that this is

where we get to some more interesting

psychology. When we look at people who

fail at their goals, often times they

fall short. They experience a lot of

negative emotions. They start to be

overly self-reflective. So, this is

what's really interesting is that

there's a certain amount of

self-reflection that you need, but if

you get too stuck in your head to try to

solve the problem instead of actually

just doing the thing, that correlates

with a greater level of failure. So, we

want things that are attainable. Next

thing is we want things to be relevant.

So it has to be like relevant to you

here and now. There should be some the

way that I sort of think about it is

when I'm working with a a coaching

client, one question that I'll ask is

I'll ask them, okay, what's your goal

for today's session? And they'll say, my

goal is to figure out what I'm going to

do in my relationship. And then I say,

okay, fine. Then the next question that

I ask, which is really, really

important, is why is this goal relevant

for you to solve today? something about

asking that question, making it relevant

to you here and now shapes your

motivational circuitry in a positive way

because goals that we have that are not

relevant to us here and now. These goals

like oh I want to like write a book one

day. The problem is when that goal is

very far away. If I have a goal that

takes 5 years to do, what's the harm in

delaying a week? There's 274 weeks left

to finish. Like I can absolutely delay.

So make it relevant to the here and now.

And the last thing is make it timebound.

So this is where we get to another

principle of behavioral change which is

not focusing on how much you want

something but focusing on

implementation. So when, where, and how.

Those are the questions that you need to

ask yourself for a New Year's

resolution. So it's not just I want to

go to the gym once a week. On what day

are you going to go? Are you going to go

in the morning? Are you going to go when

you're coming back from work? when,

where, and how are you going to

accomplish the thing? The last point is

that the goal that you're choosing may

actually sabotage you. So, we know that

there are two kinds of goals. There are

approachoriented goals and there are

avoidance goals. So, this is a little

bit different from once again addiction

psychiatry because in addiction

psychiatry sometimes the goal is more

avoidant. But what we know from the

science of behavioral change is that we

basically want to choose approach goals.

And a lot of times in New Year's

resolutions, we pick avoidance goals. So

what's the difference? It's basically,

are you moving towards something or are

you moving away from something? So

here's an example of an avoidance goal.

I want to stop eating fried food. I want

to cut out sugar. I want to stop doing

this. Avoid doing this. I want to stop

feeling a particular way. I'm not going

to feel anxious anymore. I'm going to

stop being lonely. I'm going to stop

being a shut in. So these are avoidance

goals where you're basically moving away

from something. An approach goal is when

you are moving towards something. So an

approach goal is I want to go to the gym

once a week. I want to make a point to

socialize for lunch once a week. So one

goal that I had when I was a freshman in

college and I didn't know anyone is I

had a goal where I was not going to have

lunch with the same person more than

once a week. So this ensured that I was

meeting lots of different people,

distributing my time, not putting all my

eggs in one basket. So an approach goal

is moving towards something. Now, why is

this important? The psychology behind

this is fascinating. We're not 100% sure

about this, but this is what I've seen

just working with people for the last 11

years. Okay, an avoidance goal is

stimulated by a negative emotion. So if

I say, "Okay, I'm not going to be

lonely. I'm not going to be a shutin.

I'm going to leave the house." It may

sound like it's an approach goal, but

it's actually an avoidance goal. So

here's the problem. That goal is

motivated by a negative emotion. Which

means as the loneliness rises, it

crosses a certain threshold and then I

act. Then what happens is once I leave

the house, then my loneliness decreases

and then my motivation disappears. And

if my motivation disappears, I slide

back towards the house. Okay, this is

the problem with avoidance goals is that

they basically trigger action only when

you're failing at the goal. And when you

succeed, now the driver that motivates

you is gone and then you don't do it

anymore. Right? So, oh, thank God I left

the house. Now I'm no longer lonely. And

so you kind of slide back towards being

at the house. Approach goals are the

opposite. When you succeed in an

approach goal, it's not moving from 100

to zero, which is what a lot of

avoidance goals are, right? So, I'm

trying to get rid of something bad. And

once I get rid of something bad, then

I'm just sitting at neutral. approach

goals are different because I'm moving

from zero to 100. I am actively doing

something. I'm going to the gym. I chose

to go to the gym. It's not about losing

weight. It's about becoming stronger.

Okay? It's about exercising more,

improving my health because when I

achieve that thing that is rewarding.

Now I'm trying to do something that

gives me a reward and when I get a

reward that will reinforce the behavior.

And literally what we see is that people

who select approach goals, this is all

about the selection of what you're

doing, are more successful at sticking

with it than avoidance goals. We all

want to make changes in our life and you

should understand the science behind

behavioral change to optimize your

chances for success. And one of the best

things that you can do if you can't

manage it on your own or if you want to

increase your chances of success is work

with someone else. And that's exactly

what our coaching program is for.

You

do it.