I'm Dr. Orion Taban and this is Psychax

Better Living Through Psychology. And

the topic of today's short talk is what

do you want to have for dinner? So in

this episode, I'm going to be examining

some of the ways in which men and women

perceive the value exchange in their

relationships differently so that people

can learn to navigate these dynamics

more successfully. And I thought one of

the easiest ways to exemplify some of

these differences is by means of a

conversation that almost every man has

had at some point with his girlfriend or

wife. Namely, what do you want to have

for dinner? An innocuous little

question, right? But one that can reveal

so much if we choose to look. First,

let's run through the way that this

discussion stereotypically unfolds. The

man asks, "What do you want to have for

dinner, sweetie?" And the woman

responds, "H I don't know. What do you

want to have for dinner?" Now, the man,

being a man, takes this question at face

value and typically begins to list off

places that he wouldn't mind eating at.

That's what she asked him, right? But no

matter what he comes up with, it seems

the woman finds a reason to reject his

suggestion. And this of course tends to

make the man frustrated as from his

perspective, not only is the woman being

of no help whatsoever, she is actively

being a hindrance in the service of his

goal. Until finally the man, out of

options and increasingly exasperated,

might suggest a restaurant he thinks the

woman might want to eat at. at which

point she will respond, "Well, if that's

where you want to go, let's do it."

Okay, so have you been in this situation

before? What the hell is going on here?

The issue is that the man and the woman

are approaching the underlying value

proposition very differently. Contrary

to popular belief, both parties are

actually approaching the conversation

rationally in the sense that they both

see it as an information gathering

exercise. The main difference is the

information that is being gathered.

The man, for instance, thinks he's

attempting to gather information on what

the woman wants to have for dinner. And

we of course must forgive him for

thinking this as the question he asked

the woman was, "What do you want to have

for dinner?" The man with his focused

and explicit communication style asked a

direct question and expects to receive a

direct answer on the level of the query.

His expectation is that if the woman

just told him what she wanted to eat, he

could then provide her with that option

and she could then be happy. at having

received what she wanted. It's almost

quaint the way men think sometimes. And

this all makes total sense to the

rational masculine mind. And of course,

the man has a point. Like the sooner we

exchange accurate and explicit

information about our desires, the

sooner we can stop talking about them

and start satisfying them, which is much

more pleasant and enjoyable. In light of

this, it can seem bewildering that women

enjoy a reputation for being superior

communicators when they can't apparently

so often find it difficult to provide

accurate and explicit information about

what they want or need.

But the woman is gathering a different

sort of information entirely.

consciously or not, she's attempting to

gather information on what she means to

the man in question, on how much he

values her. The discussion about dinner

is just a necessary pretext, as this

type of information can be more

accurately collected through indirect

means. In much the same way that doctors

listen to your lungs while making you

think they're listening to your heart

because awareness that they're listening

to your lungs will change the way you

breathe. Women can't really collect

information about a man's valuation

explicitly and directly. And this is

tricky because this indirect information

can be more revealing, but it can also

generate a host of misunderstandings

when women extrapolate beyond the

available evidence.

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In any case, it kind of goes like this.

It's nice to get what you want. That's

satisfying. And it's certainly better

than not getting what you want or

getting what you don't want. But it's

absolutely

more satisfying to get what you want

without asking for what you want than it

is to get what you want because you

asked for it. This is true for both men

and women. Think about it. The joy of

friendship, for example, is largely

based on the delightful realization that

there's someone in the world who

actually wants to spend time with you.

If you are potentially to one day

discover that your friend never really

wanted to spend time with you, but just

hung out with you to make you happy,

I doubt you would feel very grateful for

his sacrifice.

It's not enough to get what we want. We

have to feel like the other wants to

give us what we want. This is why one of

the most socially acceptable responses

to thank you is my pleasure. It

completes the fiction that the person

receiving the good is relieved of even a

debt of gratitude as it was the givers's

exquisite pleasure to serve. which of

course makes the exchange feel much

better to the person receiving the good.

It's kind of like the difference between

asking for someone's Christmas wish list

and just like plunking down your credit

card and handing over the shopping bags

and taking the time to find and choose a

thoughtful gift that would delight the

person in question and resonate with his

or her particular circumstances. Like

[ __ ] that sounds wonderful, doesn't it?

But of course, that's very hard to do.

It requires time and attention and

consideration and effort. Which is why

if a man were to do this, he would only

do this for someone that he highly

valued.

Anticipating a person's needs and

desires is the highest expression of

service. Think of a high-end restaurant.

The waiter is going to refill your water

glass before you ask for water. If you

need to ask, it's kind of already too

late. And it suggests that the waiter

hasn't been tracking that table very

closely. And if you're a regular at that

restaurant, the Mater D will know your

seating preference and your favorite

wine and your dietary restrictions, etc.

So, in a way, the women are also right.

They like the men want to get what they

want, but they don't want to get what

they want just because they want it.

They want to get what they want and feel

like it's what the men wanted to give

them. I want you to want me, right? And

it's easier to preserve this fiction if

direct explicit communication is not

used. Furthermore, accurately predicting

what she wants indicates that the man in

question has deployed sufficient

resources, time, energy, attention into

the relationship, which provides

important though indirect information

with respect to his valuation. I'm not

saying this is good or bad. I'm just

explaining the situation.

Now, not only is getting what you want

more satisfying when you feel as though

the giver authentically wants to give

you what you want, it also conveniently

relieves you of any obligation to the

giver. After all, if you're just doing

what you want, why do I need to be

grateful even if coincidentally what you

want to give just happens to be what I

want to receive? Like there is no

compensation necessary for those who are

doing what they want to do. There is no

sacrifice here and there's certainly no

need to reciprocate in the future. After

all, you were just following your own

pleasure. Right?

All of this is to say that the optimal

outcome in the woman's mind is that you

have deployed sufficient resources to

accurately predict what she wants to

have for dinner. And that this

prediction is presented as being

isomorphic with your own desires, which

increases her pleasure and relieves her

of reciprocity.

Now, this might not be entirely

conscious, but my point is that the

women are right.

All of this is better than simply

getting what you ask for. It's just that

it requires a lot on the man's part,

attention, effort, and energy that

frankly might be better allocated

elsewhere. Responding in this way is

expensive for men. Which is why when he

doesn't do so, she doesn't feel valued

because that cost is being spent

somewhere else. Right? It's an insult

because he is d deprioritizing her needs

in the resource allocation calculus of

his life. And that's the information the

woman is hoping to gather in this

exchange, which after all might be more

important than what's for dinner.

Of course, this isn't to say that men

should just go around giving women what

they want so they can feel valued.

Far from it. Because to make matters

even more complicated,

women's attraction will likely decrease

if you do so.

W Turns out women are a bit complex, but

that's a topic for another episode. My

work here to reveal the gendered

perception of value in conversations

like this is done. Make of it what you

will.

What do you think? Does this fit with

your own experience? Let me know in the

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