Start by recognizing that your

personality is social anxiety. This is

you. This is the first most important

step that you can take. This concept of

the real me is the one of the most

damaging concepts because it implies I

want you all to think about this. It

implies that the perfect product is

there. I just need to get to it. I need

to get rid of all this stuff. But

there's the perfect me. The perfect me

exists. If you're socially anxious, what

happens is we make ourselves small and

then we project their dislike of us to

make ourselves smaller and then we try

to disappear and then we end up where

our real self doesn't show up. This is

real self too. Do you ever feel social

anxiety has killed your personality? At

my core, I'm witty and goofy and it's my

favorite thing about myself. My social

anxiety has gotten so severe I feel like

I've lost all my personality. At work, I

can hardly think of anything to say and

will often be quiet for hours while all

my colleagues chat with each other. When

I do talk, my voice gets shaky and no

one listens to me. I can never think of

a single joke during the conversation

when I was once so witty. And I feel

like my colleagues think I'm the most

monotone, boring person on earth. And it

makes me so sad. Only my mom and sister

know my fun funny funny and funny side.

Can anyone relate? In the early days of

my psychiatric training, we used

something called the five axis system to

diagnose people. Axis one was disorders

that happened to you. Axis 2 is

personality disorders. The way you are

is messed up. So I want you all to

understand the difference between these

two things. So depending on how I was

raised, I can develop a personality.

Right? So this is the way I am. It is

not something that happens to me. So if

I have a narcissistic personality

disorder, I have an insecurity that is

baked in. Is not something that happens

to me. So I have an insecurity. I think

I'm pathetic. I think I'm a loser. And

so I have this narcissistic defense

where if anyone points out that I'm a

loser, I'm going to tell them you're

wrong. And I'm going to get them to

stop. I want to win awards. I want

everyone to show me how great I am

because I don't feel good on the inside.

And early on in my psychiatric training,

they explained to me that this is

different from depression. Depression is

when you have a normal personality

structure. And when someone has major

depressive disorder, there is a change.

So this is the normal way that they are.

But then they change and then they have

a sense of negative self attitude.

That's the technical term for it. They

feel like they're pathetic. They're

losers. They just have a negative

attitude towards the self. It can take

all kinds of different shapes and sizes.

The key thing is they think negatively

about themsel. And the whole point of

major depressive disorder is that it

fluctuates. Here's your real

personality. And the depression is

layered on top. And when it's active,

you become a different person. You don't

become a different person. Your mind

alters its functioning. You're still the

same person. And as we've learned more

and more about psychiatry, we've started

to realize that these distinctions are

somewhat artificial. There's avoidant

personality disorder, there's social

anxiety disorder. The overlap between

them is pretty big. And so in the most

recent version of diagnostics, we've

gotten rid of this axial system. We've

said it's all basically one bucket. So

here's the question that I have for you.

You exist and there's a funny and witty

version of you. And then you go to work

and there's a quiet, monotone, and

terrified version of you. Why do you

assume that the witty version of you is

the real you and the socially anxious

version of you is not the real you? Why

isn't it that the socially anxious

version is the real you and the overly

relaxed version of you is the fake you?

Where do we get this idea that there is

a real us and a notreal us? This is the

real me. Oh, but I just stop being the

real me over here. So, this is the

really nutty thing. There's a lot of

science that sort of supports this,

right? This idea that this is the real

me and this is not the real me. And if

we look at things like trauma responses,

if we look at things like you know

serotonin imbalances or whatever. So we

can look at like social anxiety and what

happens in social anxiety and I I want

to be technical here. Okay. So I enter a

particular environment. There are

certain stimuli from that environment. I

go to work. There are co-workers. I see

co-workers. When there is a particular

stimulus it triggers a reaction. So that

reaction is I start to think about what

I'm saying. I overanalyze what I'm

saying. It triggers certain changes in

my brain. Not changes in my brain,

activations in my brain where I start to

see ambiguous stimuli. So I walk past

someone and they don't say hi. So this

is an ambiguous stimulus. Maybe they

dislike me, maybe they like me, maybe

they're occupied, maybe they're thinking

about what they need to get from the

grocery store on the way home. Maybe

they have a a song stuck in their head

that they're trying to get stuck out get

out of their head. But we take an

ambiguous stimuli and our brain

interprets it interprets it in a

negative way and then we have certain

behavioral manifestations. Not just

what's on the inside, but then that

manifests with monotone. I'm not going

to talk and we say this is not the real

me. This is the activation of our

sympathetic nervous system. Fight,

flight, freeze. This is the survival

mechanism of our brain and our body.

When you're being chased by a tiger, are

you the real you? Are you witty? Are you

funny? When you are fighting for your

life, when you get mugged and someone's

attacking you with a knife, are you the

real you? Or is that a fake you? Now,

pathology, illness, is in psychiatry is

when we say, "Okay, we don't like this

part of us." That's fair enough. If you

don't like it, it's interfering with

your goals. That's totally fine. Like I

understand that that needs to be fixed.

It needs to be changed, but that doesn't

mean it isn't you. Social anxiety is

your personality. This is one of the

hardest things to understand. We don't

like to think this way. But this is

actually it's a revolutionary way if

you're trying to conquer your social

anxiety. And this is where we look at

some of these things like radical

acceptance. Literally evidence-based

stuff. Start by recognizing that your

personality is social anxiety. This is

you. This is the first most important

step that you can take. And what I mean

by this is the reason I laid it out that

way is because this is like a technical

thing about personality. This is what

personality is. So let's define what

personality is. We're not saying we're

not going to change it. We're not saying

you can't change it because you can

change your personality, which is

absurd. I don't know. This is what I

mean. It's like there's the real me and

then there's the false me. And I want to

be the real me and I don't want to be

the false me. How about instead we say

this is the real you and we can shape it

in this way. This concept of the real me

is the one of the most damaging concepts

because it implies I want you all to

think about this. It implies that the

perfect product is there. I just need to

get to it. I need to get rid of all this

stuff. But there's the perfect me. The

perfect me exists. I'm so witty. I'm so

funny. That's the perfect me. I want to

get rid of this [ __ ] And I just want

to be that guy. That's the real me. This

is the false me. And if you look at

studies on radical acceptance and

dialectical behavioral therapy, you

begin to realize that the moment that

you start to believe there is a

fantastical person, the perfect version

of yourself. You open yourself up to all

kinds of problems like addictions. Oh my

god, dude. I'm not addicted to

marijuana. I just get to be me when I

get high. I get to live life the way

that everybody else gets to live life. I

get to be my authentic self when I'm

high as a kite. It's the real me that

comes out, not the part that's socially

anxious. That's not the real me. I get

disinhibited. The true, the deeper real

me gets to come out and all this noise

on the top isn't the right me. I love

that idea, man. That sounds so

beautiful. Turns out it's wrong. Hey

y'all, if you're interested in applying

some of the principles that we share to

actually create change in your life,

check out Dr. K's guide to mental

health. There are actually two sources

for anxiety. One is cognitive and one is

physiologic. For the majority of people,

reassurance becomes something that you

become dependent on. You're not really

dealing with the root of the anxiety and

it sort of becomes a self-fulfilling

prophecy where the more socially anxious

you become, the more awkward you appear

and then it kind of becomes this vicious

cycle. So check out the link in the bio

and start your journey today. Let's

understand what personality is. I'm not

saying we're not going to change. I'm

not saying you can't be witty and funny.

What I'm saying is there's a different

way to get there. Remove the delusion

that there's a real you and that there's

a false you. Instead, accept that all of

this is you and all of this can be

worked on. Be clear there. Okay? Just

because I'm arguing against the model

does not mean that I don't dis that I

don't agree with the goal. Agree with

the goal. We just have to understand how

it actually works in order to help you

get there. Personality is three things.

the way you perceive the world around

you, the way you internally react, and

the way that you interact with the

world. That's literally what personality

is. Perceptions, reactions,

interactions. So, if I take two people

with different personalities, the whole

point of personality is in the exact

same situation, these two people will

behave in different ways. I take two

human beings who both get a B on a test.

The reality of their situation is the

same. They both have a B. The way they

perceive that B is different. The way

that they react to that B is different.

The way that they change their behavior

is different. One person says, "I got a

B. Thank God." Another says, "I got a B.

Oh shit." The reality is the same. The

way we perceive the world around us, the

way that that perception evokes

reactions, relief, and then the

behavior. I'm going to study exactly as

much as I did for this test. Oh my god,

I didn't study nearly enough. the

reality is the same. The human being,

the personality determines the way that

we react to our circumstances. So let's

start with the understanding of the

whole reason and this is like literally

what we do in treatment, right? We take

people with social anxiety and we help

them rewire. So when you are at home and

you your mom or sister walks by you and

doesn't say hi to you, how do you

perceive that information? When you're

at work and someone walks by you and

doesn't say hi to you, how do you

perceive that information? What is your

internal reaction when your mom or your

sister expresses dissatisfaction with

your work product? Hey, this pie is a

little bit burnt. How do you react? Oh,

my bad. I'll do better next time. Let me

try to focus on that. Because your

reaction is based on this idea that they

love you and you know that they love

you. But when you receive feedback,

constructive feedback about your work

product at work, what is your reaction?

Oh my god, this person thinks I'm

terrible. So, here's the key thing to

understand. And there are personality

disorders and social anxiety. I think

there's some good evidence to suggest

that these two things are are separate,

right? That there is a social anxiety

disorder, there's an avoidant

personality disorder. Those two things

are not the same. They have different

diagnostic criteria. What I'm talking

about is not the diagnosis and treatment

of a psychiatric illness. What I'm

talking about is this perception that

there's the real you and there's the

flawed you and you trying to be the real

you all the time. What you need to

realize is they're all you. What you

need to realize is that even in your

social situation, your brain has been

programmed and activates a different

script. It's not that one is you and one

is not you. It is the scripts that your

brain is activating. They're all you.

Social anxiety is your personality. Is

that a problem? Absolutely. But here's

the key thing. Everyone thinks

personality is static. And this is

important to understand. If we think we

have a perfect version and we go hunting

for it all the time, that is different

from understanding that we are wired a

particular way and we need to change our

wiring. Right? One is something that

requires wiring and effort. The other is

something that requires hunting. How do

I bring this finished product out of me?

And this is what I've seen as both a

coach and a clinician. The wiring way

seems to work better. Now, there's

avenues to use the hunting way, which we

can talk about if you guys want, but

generally speaking, I think accept that

social anxiety is the way you are. This

is part of your personality. Your

personality, the way that you respond to

situations is by perceiving ambiguous

stimuli is negative, is by reacting in a

particular way, is by behaving in a

particular way, being obsequious. Oh,

no. Really, I'm great. You're so

awesome. You did such a good job. Can I

do anything else? Can I get you this? Is

this okay? Is this okay? Do you love me

yet? Do you like me yet? Do you accept

me yet? Can I be kinder and kinder and

you can accept me more and more? And

when we engage in these interactions, it

does not help us. It actually reinforces

things because they say, "Yeah, you are

great, but I did all of these 10 things.

You asked for ranch dressing. Here's

thousand island dressing and French

dressing. And I know you like your

salads this way, so I did this for you,

and I did this for you, and I did this

for Will you love me and accept me now?"

And they'll say, "Yeah, this is great.

Thank you so much.

you're doing a great job and we think

this helps us. It doesn't help us

because what did we have to do in order

to get that? Now, the actual answer is

absolutely nothing. But when we

overperform

in order to get someone to like us and

we get that positive feedback, what are

we reinforcing? Overperformance is the

only way that I can get acceptance. When

you have to overperform to get

acceptance, you will continue to be

socially anxious because look, they

don't accept me. They accept this

pretend version of me. This this isn't

the real me. This is me doing a lot of

extra stuff and the real me would have

gotten rejected. So, I have to do all

this extra stuff. When you're inducing

someone's love, you will never get

confidence. So, how do you feel relaxed?

What's different about your mom and your

sister is that you don't have to induce

their love to receive it. And that's

where the confidence comes from. So if

you're someone who's struggling with

social anxiety killing your personality,

step number one, understand it's not

killing your personality, that there are

parts of you that are activating which

are activating certain scripts. There's

a relaxation script and there's a stress

script. They're both part of you.

They're both critical for your survival.

You can try to activate the relaxation

script, but often times there is a

reason why we don't do that

automatically. So, first question you've

got to ask yourself is what makes it

hard for me to activate relaxation.exe.

Second thing you can do is literally

adjust each of those steps. This is so

interesting. Very few people train

themselves to question their perception.

We always talk about training our

willpower, training discipline, training

emotional regulation. We never talk

about training perception. Most of

medical school is not about treatment.

It is about training your perception.

What do you hear when you oscultate?

What do you feel when you percuss? When

your patient comes in and says, "Oh my

god, you're the best psychiatrist on the

planet. You're so amazing. I've had 16

psychiatrists before you, but you came

along and you're Dr. K, and you're

amazing. Oh my god, you're the best on

the planet. You can save me when no one

else can. You're so great, Dr. K."

>> And if I'm not careful and I haven't

trained my perception, I'll be like,

"Oh, yeah. Tell me I'm great. Oh my god,

tell me about all Oh my god, I'm going

to be empathic and compassionate. Tell

me about all these other psychiatrists

that are so bad. Tell me about how they

screwed you over. Oh my god, I'm going

to be compassionate. I'm going to

reflect. That's so unfair for you.

You're so unfair. You're tragic. Oh my

god, such trauma. And everyone in the

medical system has screwed you and I'm

going to be different.

You want me to be your hero, I'll be

your hero.

>> Instead, we train our perception. Oh

[ __ ] This is idealization. This is

splitting. This person could have

borderline personality disorder. Today

I'm getting the positive side. Soon I

will be number 17 on the list. Train

your perception. Recognize that your

mind perceives certain things.

Specifically with social anxiety, the

money is on ambiguous stimuli. When

someone doesn't speak with you, when

they don't say hi, what's the

differential diagnosis? What are the

reasons they could not say hi? Have you

ever considered this that they're

socially anxious, too? And when they

walk in the room, they see you observing

them like a hawk and they're like, "Oh

my god, this person is pissed off.

They're not smiling at me. I better try

to be small cuz I don't want to piss

them off more." So, they don't say

anything to you. Two socially anxious

people walk into a room and they walk

out out each feeling like they're a

piece of [ __ ] when they're terrified

that the other person doesn't like them

and all they want to do is tell the

other person how much they like them,

but they're afraid to. Number two, what

is your internal reaction? Just because

you react away doesn't mean that it is

real. Take a deep breath. Go for a walk.

Really think through things. Number

three, behave in a way that moves that

that makes you live the life that you

want to live. Don't behave in a way to

try to make them feel a certain way. So,

when someone comes in and you're afraid

that they don't like you, what is the

life that you want to live? Do you want

to say hi to people who walk into the

room? Yes or no? Is that the kind of

life that you want to live? Do you want

to behave with them in the way that you

behave with your mom or your sister?

Then behave that way with them. But they

may not like it. Absolutely. So then if

you get data, right, we want a

differential diagnosis for the ambiguous

data that they interpret. But here's the

cool thing. When people usually don't

like you, I know we're sort of living in

a world where people are everyone's

ghosting and they don't actually tell

you that they don't like you. But here's

a key key tip. If you're afraid that

people don't give you feedback when you

do something wrong, the number one

reason for that is that they don't think

you can accept feedback. Why didn't you

tell me this is coming out of nowhere? I

feel like I'm being blindsided. Yeah.

The reason you're [ __ ] blindsided is

because when I do tell you, you react

like this and then you disincentivize me

from telling you. People will give you

feedback. And the funniest of the

version of this is like when people are

really anxious, they'll ask for

feedback. Hey bro, can I have feedback?

Am I doing okay? Am I doing okay? Yeah,

you're doing fine. You know why they

tell you you're doing fine and then you

end up getting a B or you don't get

honors in the rotation? Because every

time they tell you you're not doing

fine, the anxiety takes over and then

they have to deal with that [ __ ] for a

while. So they can't afford to give you

negative feedback even though you're

asking for it. The way you receive

feedback determines whether people will

give you feedback. And so the cool thing

about social anxiety is if you're really

bothering someone, they will let you

know. If you're socially anxious, what

happens is we make ourselves small and

then we project their dislike of us to

make ourselves smaller and then we try

to disappear and then we end up where

our real self doesn't show up. This is

real self too but that other self can

show up. You need to behave in that way.

What is the what is the way that pay

attention to the way that you perceive

your mother, the way that you perceive

your sister? Pay attention to the way

that you react when they do or say

certain things towards you. How are

those two things different? take a piece

of paper line down the middle when mom

or sister does this when people at work

do this right and there's some

modifications that you have to make some

things are not appropriate I feel like

my real self when I'm with my wife and

when she says hey all look your hair

looks great today and I'm like take me

now let's go to the bedroom I'll show

you other kinds of hair that's not

something you want to do at work right

so

a little bit of a difference there like

I think there's

There's a long way. There's a big gap

between those two things, right? You

don't have to like duplicate your atome

self at work, but you also like there's

something in the middle there that's

pretty healthy. And then when HR calls

you in for sexual harassment, you will

receive that feedback with grace and a

plum. Hey y'all, hope you enjoyed

today's video. We talk about a bunch of

topics like this on the channel, so be

sure to subscribe for more. If you're

already subscribed, GG, and we'll see

you in chat.