I'm Dr. Orion Taban and this is Psychax

Better Living Through Psychology. And

the topic of today's short talk is an

ordinary life. So this is an episode for

anyone out there who is thinking of

settling down in the conventional sense.

Getting married, starting a family, this

type of thing. In my opinion, there is

absolutely nothing wrong with this

lifestyle.

But there's nothing absolutely right

about it either. Like anything else in

life, it comes with a series of

trade-offs, benefits, and liabilities.

This kind of lifestyle can do some

things well and other things poorly. So

it's for each individual to look inside

him or herself and decide whether this

is the kind of life that he or she will

thrive in rather than simply take it for

granted that such a life will provide

them with what they're looking for.

After such an examination, some people

will say, "Yeah, I think this will work

for me." While others will say, "Oo, no,

I don't think that that's a good fit."

And that's okay. We don't need to force

everyone into a single way of being.

The most important thing to understand

about marriage and family is that they

are very ordinary things. And I'm saying

this without judgment. They're ordinary.

And that means that the more ordinary or

conventional you are as a person, the

more likely this type of life is going

to make sense to you. The way I think

about it, settling down and starting a

family is a little like living in the

Shire. At least in its ideal expression.

We see Sam Wise live out this dream when

he comes back from his great adventure,

works up the courage to ask out Rosie,

and eventually settles down to sire 13

children with her. Yeah, 13. You can

kind of imagine their life together. The

pitterpatter of little footsteps, the

cozy bustle of their little hobbit hole.

Rosy's cooking dinner for everyone while

Sam is out happily working in the

garden. And overall, there's a sense of

warm togetherness pervading the entire

domestic scene. Again, absolutely

nothing wrong with this. In fact, Sam

and Rosie seem to do a lot of things

right. For instance, their marriage

appears to be very simple and humble.

That's right. As I've stated previously,

marriage is fundamentally a very humble

institution. A lot of marriages fail

because they are made to carry more

weight than they were ever designed to

support. People want and expect their

relationships to provide them with more

than they can reasonably deliver. That's

a problem. And when people like Sam and

Rosie accept this fact and settle into a

simple life together, there can be a

kind of quiet grace to this arrangement.

It's peaceful. It's loving. It's low to

the ground. A marriage like this

requires the extinction of certain big

passions and grand visions as they are

functionally incompatible with this type

of life. But if you can settle into the

gentle rhythms of this arrangement and

if you don't want or expect much more

than that, then this can be a very

comfortable and satisfying situation.

However, you also have to understand

that Sam had no great ambitions in life.

That's part of the reason why he could

carry Frodo when necessary without the

ring tempting him. There was no real

wellspring of yearning or ambition or

talent within him. So, he couldn't give

the ring much to work with. Sam was a

good person with a good heart, but his

heart was full of very ordinary desires

and very humble ambitions. You kind of

get the sense that the most he ever

wanted out of life was to marry Rosie

and work in his garden. And this might

make Sam sweet or even wise, but I'm not

sure this was a choice. Like, I don't

think he could have been otherwise. He

didn't have to struggle against some

great ambition or passion to arrive at

this wisdom. That was just the way he

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It should kind of go without saying, but

an ambitious person is not going to be

able to live in the Shire. It's going to

be too comfortable, too benal and

incipid, too boring and constrained.

Passions and ambitions and great works

absolutely take people away from their

marriages and their families. Now, this

doesn't necessarily lead to the

dissolution of these structures, but it

inevitably creates tension. attention

that will require energy and attention

and tolerance to accommodate. And some

people will be able to make bigger

accommodations because some people are

more flexible than others and some

people won't. But even if greater and

greater accommodations are successful,

at some point you have to ask yourself,

what's the point? Like is all this

trouble worth it? Maybe there's a

different structure, a different way of

life that would require fewer

accommodations and still provide the

support and opportunity to live your

desired lifestyle. Like that could be a

much better starting point for such a

life than a traditional marriage. We

don't often talk about this, but a

long-term relationship is essentially a

prolonged compromise.

And I'm not just talking about the big

compromises like where you live or who

stays home with the kids. I'm talking

about the constant daily unremitting

compromises

of on your time, your attention, and

your energy. In such a relationship,

your time is no longer entirely your

own. You can't just pursue your own

interests and passions and goals without

considering the needs and well-being of

your partner. at least not without

consequences.

Among other things, this means that it's

very difficult to get pure undivided

solitude and pure undivided focus when

you're cohabitating in a marriage. Now,

many people, especially if they're more

ordinary or conventional, will see no

great loss in surrendering their

solitude. They might be getting out of a

relationship in order to get away from

themselves. In fact, this is very

common. But anyone more extraordinary or

unconventional, and I'm using these

terms without judgment, is going to feel

the forfeite of these things acutely.

The fact of the matter is that it's very

difficult, if not impossible, for

extraordinary people to do great things,

some of which might profoundly benefit

humanity

and devote sufficient time to their

marriages to be a good spouse.

Consider Albert Einstein. Einstein was

married for a time. Imagine devoting

your life to unraveling the mysteries of

the physical universe while

simultaneously contending with a wife

who wants hours of your time and energy

and attention every day or else she'll

become, I don't know, petulant or

withdrawn or aggressive. But Al, you

were formulating your special relativity

theory last night. Tonight I want to go

to dinner with the van schnuffles and

then you promise to take me shopping.

Like can you imagine? Can you imagine?

Thank god Einstein divorced his wife.

Thank God he gave up on an ordinary

life. He was not an ordinary man and an

ordinary life apparently threatened to

suffocate him and he wisely refused to

die.

Not only do I think that the ability to

pursue his goals with an undivided

attention was likely more satisfying for

Einstein himself, it was absolutely more

beneficial to humanity as a whole. Now,

most of us are not Albert Einstein,

but most of us aren't Sam Gamji either.

Most of us exist on a continuum between

these two extremes. And it's for each

person to make an honest, humble

assessment of where he or she exists on

this continuum. And getting this wrong

is going to be associated with a lot a

lot of pain and suffering.

My hunch is that throughout history,

it's been far more common for

extraordinary people to have been

shunted into ordinary relationships than

the other way around. Consider how the

world might look today if these

extraordinary individuals, men and

women, whose names we'll likely never

know, hadn't had their talents and

ambitions compromised away in

conventional marriages. Most likely,

they would have been happier and their

efforts would have redowned to humanity

as a whole. As I've said before,

marriage is good for some people. It's

good for the ordinary person with

ordinary desires. It gives them a

structure, a container to satisfy those

needs and desires. However, marriage is

just not very good for others. It's not

very good for the extraordinary person

with extraordinary desires. And that's

okay because most people are not

extraordinary by definition. So thinking

like this isn't going to lead to the

collapse of civilization or something.

Most people are ordinary, but not all

people. And it's your job to be real

honest with yourself about where you lie

on that continuum. And if you're lucky

enough to find yourself in a

relationship with an extraordinary

person, do everyone a favor, yourself,

the other person, and humanity as a

whole. And don't try to force that

extraordinary individual into your

prosaic little vision of life.

What do you think? Does this fit with

your own experience? Let me know in the

comments below. And please send this

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There are also my books, the

best-selling The Value of Others, in

which I explore my economic model of

relationships and my psychological novel

Star Night, where I explore the final

days of painter Vincent Van Gogh.

There's also my private member

community, The Captain's Quarters, where

I host, among other things, bimonthly

group consultation calls with a

wonderful group of folks. Check them

out. All of these resources, the links

to them are in the description below. A

lot of great value there. As always, I

appreciate your support and thank you

for listening.