I've been studying human psychology for

[music] more than 15 years and there's

one realization I've had that strikes me

as perhaps the most important. That's

that while we seem similar to each

other, our minds are radically

different, there are at least two big

reasons why we tend to overestimate how

similar people are to each other. The

first is social conformity. We all learn

to behave in similar ways around other

people. Imagine, for example, that

you're at a wedding with a 100 people

there. You look around and you notice

that everyone's behavior is really quite

similar. Pretty much everyone's going up

to the buffet to get something to eat.

Pretty much everyone is chitchatting

with someone else. And when speeches are

being given, everyone is sitting quietly

and listening. But the similarity in

behavior around other people doesn't

imply that what's going on in people's

minds is at all similar. Social

expectations squash the range of our

behavior that limits our ability to see

people's differences. The second big

reason we tend to underestimate people's

differences is what's known as the

typical mind fallacy. The idea that we

assume other people's minds act or think

or process much like our own. So when

we're trying to understand how someone

else would feel in a situation or think

in a situation or behave in a situation,

we naturally go to our own experience

and we think how would I feel or think

or behave in that situation. This means

that we tend to think other people's

minds work much more like our own than

they really do. Let's go back to that

imaginary wedding with 100 people. If

you look around, you'll be able to

notice some external differences. For

example, you might notice that one

person has an impeccably tailored suit,

whereas another person clearly got

theirs at Goodwill. You might also

realize that one person probably has a

cat. But the big differences are hidden

in people's minds. They're not things

you can externally observe, though there

will be little external hints that tell

you a little bit about what's going on.

Maybe one of the wedding attendees was

showing pictures of their latest travel

and you noticed that they had a lot of

pictures of them in the mountains. This

could be a hint that this person tends

to be high in their experience of awe.

This could be very different than

someone like myself who's never

experienced awe in their life. My brain

seems, as far as I'm aware, incapable of

it. We often assume that everyone has

the full range of human emotions. But

our research suggests this isn't the

case. In fact, in one of our studies,

17% of people said they never or almost

never have experienced awe in their

life. I used to believe that I

experienced awe. But that's because if I

was with another person and they were

experiencing awe, let's say at the side

of a big mountain, I would think, well,

that's a really big mountain and that's

very beautiful and that's an amazing

thing and used to assume that's what awe

meant. But actually, I was just mapping

that experience onto the closest

experience that I was capable of. And

that's what most of us do when we're

missing an experience. We try to relate

it to the closest thing we have

experience with. But talking more with

people who experienced awe. I finally

realized I've never felt what they're

describing. Suppose that during the

wedding speeches you notice that one of

the guests seems a little bit

distracted. You assume because that's

how your own mind work that they're

probably thinking about their work. But

what you don't realize is this person

has obsessivempulsive disorder and

they're obsessed with the possibility

that they may have HIV. Now, to be

clear, they definitely don't have HIV.

In fact, they never even come close to

contracting it. But their obsession

keeps them constantly thinking about

HIV, hour after hour, day after day,

month after month. Later on at the

wedding, you notice someone dancing on

the dance floor, having a fantastic

time, and you think to yourself, "Wow,

that person really loves to dance." But

you're actually totally wrong. This

person doesn't normally love to dance.

They actually have bipolar disorder, and

they're currently in the manic phase.

And because of this, they're brimming

with energy and they think nothing could

go wrong. Everything's fantastic. They

believe they don't even need to sleep.

But in 2 weeks, they're going to be

absolutely crashed out, lying at home

all day long feeling depressed. You

notice another person on the dance floor

and he really has impressive moves. You

assume that he too likes to dance. And

this time, you're actually correct. But

what you don't realize is the

motivation. This person has narcissistic

personality disorder. They spend much of

their effort in life trying to garner

attention and admiration. And what they

realized is that becoming a great dancer

is a great way to get people to pay

attention to you and give you

admiration. So, they're trying to make

sure that everyone at the wedding sees

what a great dancer they are. Now, I

know you might be thinking, why does

everyone at this wedding have such an

unusual mind? Well, the reality is that

many people there will have more typical

minds, but even typical minds tend to

differ from each other more than we

often acknowledge. In addition, if

there's a hundred people at the wedding,

it's actually not that unlikely that you

have a bunch of people that have

conditions that only 1% of people have.

For example, you might find one person

with narcissistic personality disorder,

one person who has OCD, and one person

who's bipolar. Okay, back to the

wedding. The person you've been seated

next to is a cousin of the bride, and

she seems very well put together and

very nice. She doesn't have an unusual

condition, but that doesn't mean that

she doesn't have an unusual mind. What

you don't realize is that she's

incredibly socially controlled. She's

constantly aware of the social

impression she's making on other people,

much more than the typical person is. In

fact, she's not only aware of what

emotion you're experiencing, but she's

aware of what exact facial expression

she's using at every moment. She's going

to make you feel exactly what she wants

to make you feel. Not for a nefarious

purpose, but simply because that's a

learned behavior that she's had since

childhood to help control her

environment. As the night starts to wrap

up, you end up in a conversation with

one of the groomsmen near the open bar.

He seems like an incredibly normal

bloke, boring even. But what you don't

realize is that his experience of

reality is almost entirely alien to

yours. [music] In fact, he's never

experienced empathy, guilt, or remorse

in his entire life. He's never

experienced love, and he's never

experienced fear except in this sort of

my body's revved up and ready to go kind

of way. He does experience anger,

though. And if you were to try to

aggressively control him, [music] you'd

probably deeply regret having done so.

He has antisocial personality disorder,

also known as sociopathy, but he's never

been diagnosed. He's high functioning

and he's successful as a corporate

lawyer. Despite how normal he seems,

what guides his actions is radically

different than what guides yours. So why

does he seem so normal? Well, that's

because he's been working his whole life

to try to blend in. He's been learning

from movies and conversations to figure

out what to say when, so you don't

notice that he's different. You can see

more examples of this in my interview

with a sociopath on the Clearer Thinking

podcast. For example, if someone says

their dad passed away, you know

instinctually how to behave. Your

emotions tell you what to do, but he

doesn't have that emotional response.

Even at a wedding of 100 people, you're

likely to find an incredibly diverse set

of human minds. But we can also think

about who's not at the wedding. What

sort of mind are you unlikely to meet?

For example, schizoid personality

disorder. People with this disorder tend

to have no interest in social

relationships. Unless you're their

family member or you work in a cubicle

next to yours, you probably don't know

anyone like this and you're almost

certainly not going to meet them at a

wedding. If you want to learn about ways

that your personality is unusual, check

out our free Ultimate Personality Test.

It's based on data from over 150,000

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